A/N at the end, it's important! Don't miss it!
Chapter 29 – The ruse
It was silent in her private bedroom at the upper levels of the Temple. No wind, no chattering animals or people, no noise at all could be heard in the dark. It was a little bit unsettling because it was not something she was used to. Back when she was on the road, there had always been noises that sometimes kept her awake at night. Or at the Northern Water Tribe, when there were always people on the streets doing whatever they did at ungodly hours.
This silence kept Milah awake and that was why she left her little cot and made her way down, to the balcony she had spotted earlier that she knew would have a great view over the mountain range. The new moon was approaching them and because of the extreme cold that had settled she knew it was a clear night.
Luckily, several torches were lit on the way to the lower levels or otherwise she surely would've lost her way. This was her second night here – the first night she had slept like a babe, considering she was so fucking tired of the whole day, including her mental breakdown in the afternoon – so she had already spent a whole day in the building, but in the dark she was sure she wouldn't even find her way back to her room.
She opened the doors to the balcony and wasn't prepared for the other person that was standing at the railing. He turned around upon hearing the door squeak behind him and raised his eyebrows in surprise.
''What are you-''
''Couldn't sleep-''
Milah and Amim both said and cut off at the same time. Amim puffed out a little laugh and beckoned for her to come stand next to him.
Milah spoke up again after walking up to him and leaning with her elbows on the railing. ''What are you doing here?''
His eyes were dark without any clear light nearby. The stars alone weren't enough to light up their faces. ''I couldn't sleep.''
''Me neither,'' she answered and let out a tired sigh. ''It's so quiet here. It's unnerving.''
His hands were gripping the stone of the balcony as he turned away from her and stared out over the landscape. Silence ensued for a moment and all that could be heard was their soft breathing.
Amim started talking again, making Milah startle for a moment. ''I haven't spoken to you yesterday, but Turaq told me that he saw you cry when we were at the bathhouse.'' He gave her a knowing look.
The Waterbender swallowed, not wanting to bring up the pain that was ever-present in her heart. ''It's nothing.'' It was the same she had said to the Water Tribe warrior just two days ago.
''I know it's not,'' he answered in a whisper. ''You don't have to lie to me, Milah.''
The sincerity in his voice brought out the tears again. ''I know that. I really do.'' She took in a deep breath to steady the lump in her throat. Her hand unconsciously drifted down to her abdomen, trying to soothe herself with the knowledge that she wasn't entirely alone in the world.
''It hurts,'' she settled on whispering and tried to gulp down the sob that came with it.
Amim's warm hand found hers that was gripping the railing harshly. The action made the swallowed sob come out of her mouth, making him step closer to her so he could pull her in his arms, which she let, craving the human contact.
''It hurts because I miss him,'' she whispered hoarsely in his tunic. He caressed her head softly. ''I miss him so much and I still love him, Amim. I still love him.'' Her shoulders shook while her crying ensued.
The images came floating before her eyes again. The way he had patted her head lovingly, or the stupid smiles they had shared across a room, or the way they had fought and fought time and time again back when they were still denying their love for each other. Or the way she held her stomach, as if she could already feel the little spark of life growing inside of her, not knowing if she could share this joy with the love of her life one day.
Because Zuko was and would always be the love of Milah's life. Just as she would always be his.
''I understand,'' Amim simply answered and pressed a kiss on her crown. ''I know.''
Milah sniffled for a moment before slowly pulling away from the man who was holding her. ''Thank you, Amim.'' She looked up at his face.
He gave her a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. ''You know you can tell me anything, right?''
She nodded, not knowing how to feel about that.
They were both silent again, basking in the complete quiet until Milah broke it again. ''I just don't know what to do with this whole… situation.'' She tugged at one of the strands of her hair, rolling it around between her fingers. ''I'm just so, so afraid of what the future might bring for… for my child- God, that sounds so unreal. I'm pregnant, Amim. I'm fucking pregnant and he won't even know who his father is. He'll grow up without his father and I don't know what to do-''
She cried again and put her hands on her head to shield herself from Amim's watchful eyes. He didn't pull her into a hug. Instead, he wrapped his right arm around her middle and stood next to her in silence. He let her cry out all the tears that had been saving themselves up until that moment. He didn't see her cry often, although he could understand that her raging hormones could have something to do with it.
''You're not alone in this,'' he whispered after she seemed like she had let out all of the tears. ''You have Katara and Sokka, although they're not here right now, but after this is all over, they'll be by your side every step of the way. You also have your father and your gran-gran and pops. Hell, I think that even Aang and Toph will be there for you should you need them. And of course, you also have Turaq and Marok.'' He was silent again before he opened his mouth, looking into her eyes. ''And you have me. You'll always have me, in whatever way you need me. I'll always, always be there for you. I'll never leave you as he did, Milah, I promise, I won't.''
Milah stared at his face, trying to find any insincerity in his eyes, but she didn't. She knew he was being truthful and she still didn't know how to feel about it. She did, however, understand what he was offering. He was offering her what Zuko couldn't give to her. Her child could grow up with a father, although not his biological father. No, Amim would love and cherish her child as if it was his own and try to make her as happy as he could.
But she couldn't accept the offer. Not when she knew that there surely would be someone else out there for him. Amim's soulmate existed, she was sure of it. He deserved to be loved by someone so fiercely and beautifully as he loved her.
And, for more selfish reasons, she couldn't accept the offer because there was no chance in hell that she wouldn't try to fight for a chance to speak with Zuko someday. To let him know that she was pregnant, that he would have a son – or girl, who knew?
She wasn't ready to let go of the hope that still blossomed somewhere deep inside her heart.
Zuko was walking down the stairs of the Palace towards the great front gates when servants opened them, sunlight greeting Zuko's face the morning after having spoken with both his sister and his father. He had only been back in the Fire Nation for a couple of days and already felt the nostalgia of running through the exact same corridors when he was just a child.
Back when his mother had still been not too far behind him.
He let out a sigh when he stepped through the gates into the fresh morning air, basking in the familiarity of being back… home. Zuko actually didn't even know if he could call the Fire Palace home anymore. Not when he felt like his home had been stripped away from him – by himself.
Zuko thought of Milah every minute of every day. It was a never-ending train, destined to make the same run and stops in his mind for eternity. But Zuko didn't mind. He wasn't planning on getting over his Waterbender.
No, the thing Zuko had shared with Milah was for life. And the Prince knew that there was no one else for him. No matter what his father had said about Mai. It would not happen.
It would not.
That was why Zuko was walking over to her house at that moment. Why he was enduring the curious stares of the population of the capital. The lingering eyes on his hideous scar.
Luckily, Mai's house was not far and so he found himself knocking on her door rapidly, wanting to disappear from the far too nosy people of the Fire Nation. Mai opened the door with her usual bored expression.
''Prince Zuko,'' she merely greeted him. He gave her a crooked smile in return before stepping over the threshold to escape the gazes locked onto his back. Thankfully, she let him in without a struggle.
''I'm sorry to barge in on you like this,'' he awkwardly said to her after she had closed the door. She led the way into the living room and sat down on the couch.
''It's fine,'' she answered while picking up an orange from the fruit basket on the side table. ''What can I do for you?''
Zuko hesitantly remained in the door opening of the living room before sitting down after Mai had waived him over with a lazy hand. ''Well, I went to see my father yesterday.''
She raised one eyebrow. ''Congratulations.''
He gave her a dry look. ''He told me about our… engagement.''
Mai choked on a piece of her orange and stood up immediately, making her way over to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. It was rare to catch the woman off guard and so he followed her reluctantly. ''He said he had made arrangements with your father and that we were to be wed. Soon.''
Mai held up a finger, gulping down her glass of water before turning around to speak. ''I thought you already knew.''
Zuko's eyebrows almost shot off his head. ''Wait, you knew? And you didn't tell me?''
''When was I supposed to tell you? Before or after I had thrown myself to you?'' Mai pursed her lips.
''You could've told me as soon as you knew. Then maybe I could've done something about it.'' Then maybe he could've gone to his father sooner and pleaded for him to end the engagement. He feared it was too late now.
Mai looked at him for a moment. ''You mean you don't want it?''
Zuko made a choked sound. ''You mean you do?!''
Mai shrugged. ''I don't know. You're better than any of the other suitors my father has lined up for me. They're disgusting. You… not particularly.''
He couldn't help but puff out a laugh with that statement. ''You mean you want a loveless marriage with me?''
''You say that as if you think people like us ever get a love-filled marriage. You need to grow up if you still believe in fairy tales, Zuko.'' Mai gave him a knowing look, making him wonder if maybe she had been the one to tell his father about Milah. ''Besides, we have always been friends. This'll be no different. Not really.''
Zuko sighed. ''It's not like that, Mai. You know what I mean.''
''I don't think I do,'' she answered. ''Or maybe the rumours are true after all. Maybe you really had been married to her, that Waterbender.''
Zuko remained silent, but didn't avert his eyes from hers.
''Were you in love with her?''
He didn't know what to do. For some stupid, illogical reason he found himself trusting his childhood friend, even though he knew that it was unwise to do so. Mai was one of the best friends of Azula, and if his sister would ever learn the truth about what he was about to propose… it wouldn't end well for either of them.
''I love her more than I love anyone else in the world.'' And it was true. It was so true, that Zuko's heart stuttered in his chest, his fists clenched and he sucked in a sharp breath. ''And we were married once. I gave her my mother's ring and she was my wife. And I've lost her. I've lost… Milah.'' Speaking her name out loud hurt more than he imagined and his mouth run dry as if he had swallowed a bag of sand.
Mai's eyes faltered for a second, making the sadness and worry shine through for a moment. ''Zuko, I…'' she started and let out a sigh. ''I'm sorry.''
He shook his head. ''It's not your fault. It's no one's fault but mine and I can only hope that she's safe somewhere without me, finding love with someone else that can make her happier than I ever could.'' His stomach hurt.
Mai just nodded at his words and silently poured herself and him a cup of lemongrass tea. Zuko still didn't understand why he had been so truthful to Mai about the whole situation, but it felt so goddamn good to finally talk to someone about it after weeks of thinking it over and over again by himself.
And so he told Mai everything. And Mai listened until the sun had started setting and the room was filled with darkness, making Zuko flick a hand so all the candles in the room sprung to life with fire. And the two of them continued talking all night long until the both of them fell asleep unknowing of the time, but feeling like something had changed between them.
When Milah woke up the next morning, her father announced that they would be travelling back because they had no time to lose. The inventor had packed all of his stuff, including his material needed to build the engine Sokka had so… clearly drawn out for him. Luckily, Turu knew fairly quickly what the meaning was of the painting. Milah still didn't have a clue.
Just a little after noon, they had arrived at their ship again. Turu, Teo and a few other men and women had gone with them. Some of the residents on the Northern Air Temple had wanted to come and fight, but a lot of them had wanted to stay home, too afraid of the Fire Nation to stand and fight against them. Milah understood this, of course, but she didn't relate. In fact, she had bugged her father for weeks now that she wanted to join everyone in the fight on the Day of Black Sun. She would be around four months pregnant at that time, but it wouldn't stop her from going and fighting in the war. Not when all of her loved ones were sacrificing their life for the cause.
Milah didn't know if it made her selfish. Of course she had another person to think about when such matters occurred, but still she couldn't just sit by and watch her family fight, or worse… get killed in the field. No, she would do anything to prevent that from happening. She had already lost Iroh and… Zuko, to the war with the Fire Nation. She couldn't bear lose anyone else.
One day passed. And then another, and another, and then a whole week went by until they reached warmer climates and she stopped wearing the fur-coated jacket she had gotten from Bato. Amim always kept her company, ensuring her every need now she started to crave stewed sea prunes more than anything. And ever since the cook had heard of it, he had been making stewed sea prunes just for her every evening. She was forever thankful for it, especially since the new moon was approaching, meaning that she felt weaker now her connection with the moon had weakened as well.
Milah woke up to the sound of a tapping on her door. According to her calendar which she kept on her wall near her bed, it was almost two weeks ago that Aang had gone off with her siblings and Toph, hoping to find a firebending teacher and more useful information for the invasion.
The tapping ensued. ''Yes, yes, coming!'' she grumpily shouted to the person at the door and got out of bed with a groan. She was more tired than usual lately and her stomach felt bloated, so it wasn't easy getting up every morning. Especially since she was always expecting the rush of vomit to come up at any minute, but she was lucky today; everything stayed down.
''Please, don't rush for me,'' Amim sarcastically commented on her when she opened the door for him. She just yawned in his face before opening the door for him some more to let him in. He gave her a chuckle when she flipped him off before stepping behind the partitioner to dress herself. She always had trouble with her chest binding, especially since her breasts had grown a full size and were sore as hell, so before realising what she was asking the poor man she had already shouted at him.
''Amim can you please help me put on my underwear.'' She sighed when she failed to clasp the thing behind her back for the fourth time. It was silent for a moment before a deep laugh sounded from behind her.
''You understand that that is probably the weirdest thing you have ever said to me, right?'' he laughed while taking the piece from her hands, clasping it with ease since he had better access. Milah sucked in a breath when her breasts were pushed against her body painfully, but endured it. Since she still wore her underpants, she turned around to grab the oversized shirt laying over the partition.
''Woah,'' Amim breathed next to her. ''Did you notice you're showing already?''
She was confused for a second but glanced down to her abdomen to see her protruded stomach. Her hand went to it, caressing the soft skin there as if she could feel the child already. ''No, I haven't, actually.''
''Well, now you know. How far along are you now, anyway?''
She thought for a moment, thinking back to when Zuko and she had been really happy and ignored the pain it brought her. ''Two months now, I think?''
Amim stepped back for a second, letting her put on her shirt and pants. ''Time flies.''
She laughed at that. ''You could say that. It seems like forever ago when we first met.''
He nodded, still looking at where her stomach would be if it wouldn't be concealed by the cloth. Milah saw the look in his eyes and understood what he really wanted to do at that moment, so she stepped up to him, took his hand and guided it underneath her shirt so she could put it on her bare stomach. ''Here,'' she whispered, looking at his large, warm hand on her skin. ''I don't feel him yet, but the midwives always said it can start around month four or five, so it'll be a while 'till I can feel that.'' She felt his thumb rub a small circle on her skin, making her take in a large breath.
''It's amazing, right?'' he softly said, not taking his eyes off where his hand was put. ''If only he knew…''
She knew instantly who he was talking about, making her take a step back so his hand fell off her. ''But he doesn't.'' The pain intensified.
''No, he doesn't,'' he answered. ''And I'm here, and he's not. Milah, I… I can take care of you. Both of you. Once this is all over, we'll go somewhere. Just the three of us. Away from everything. We could have a life.''
She closed her eyes, the pain now reaching its peak. ''Amim, I…''
He shook his head, which she didn't see. ''You don't have to answer me now. Just… think about it. I'm not asking you to marry me. I'm just offering you an option.''
She nodded slightly, biting her lip. Milah sincerely didn't know what to do. On one hand, she wanted to take up on the offer. It was easy, to have a life far away from everything with him once the war was over. Her child would have a father, she wouldn't have to be alone and she would be with her best friend.
But on the other hand… it felt wrong. Very, very wrong.
''I'll think about it,'' she settled on saying and gave him a small smile.
In the middle of the night, Zuko was walking inside the prison cell his uncle was being held in. He had just assaulted the prison guard whose footsteps could still be heard from down the hall, where he scurried away from the Prince.
''Uncle, it's me,'' he greeted Iroh. His cell was dark and filthy. Moss and mould covered the moist walls and the smell was making his eyes water. It hurt him that his uncle was treated this way. That his father would allow this to happen to his own brother.
He once again wondered if he had made the right choice back in the catacombs.
His uncle turned away from him once he heard the familiar voice. A scowl covered the old man's face. Anger flared up in Zuko's chest because of this.
''You brought this on yourself, you know. We could have returned together. You could have been a hero!'' And it was true. Milah had left them and there was nothing else for him. She had taken everything with her. The only thing left to do was go home, to his father and sister in the hope that he would find happiness again, somehow, after tasting its sweetness. ''You have no right to judge me, Uncle. I did what I had to do in Ba Sing Se, and you're a fool for not joining me.'' His chest started to burn upon hearing his own words. He was so, so angry at… everything and nothing at the same time. Angry that he had left Ba Sing Se, the only time he had ever experienced peace and serenity, angry that he was now back home without her, and angry because… ''Milah left us, uncle. She left us. I had nowhere to go! She took everything! I'm… I'm just… nothing now! There is this emptiness and I don't know what to do, uncle. I just…'' His throat clogged up and he felt his eyes go moist.
Iroh just remained silent at the words. If his nephew really believed that, if he really believed that Milah would leave them, would leave Zuko, then… he feared that there was no hope for him after all.
''You're not going to say anything?'' His anger climaxed and before he knew what he was doing, he had kicked a nearby stool and fired a blast at it, destroying it in the process. ''You're a crazy old man! You're crazy! And if you weren't in jail, you'd be sleeping in a gutter!'' He regretted his words instantly, but turned around and left anyway. It was clear that Iroh wasn't interested in talking to his nephew.
At the first light of dawn, the Crown Prince was already standing before the door of Mai's house. He raised a hand to knock, but the door already opened. Mai was standing in the opening with a large yawn on her face while trying to wipe the sleep from her eyes.
''Really, Zuko, we're going to need some rules on this… thing. For starters, you may not come to visit me before noon. I like my sleep.''
Zuko snorted but nodded. He and Mai had come upon an agreement. They would act in love with each other in front of everyone just so everyone would get off Zuko's back about Milah, protecting the Waterbender in the process. In turn, Mai would receive a higher position at court and hopefully, Azula would lay off her back as well, since his sister apparently pestered Mai day in and out about why her and Zuko hadn't a relationship yet.
A win-win situation, so to say.
When both of them entered the living room, Zuko grabbed an orange from the fruit basket and started peeling it, not having had breakfast yet, and sat down on the couch. ''I agree with the rules thing.'' He thought about it for a moment. ''So, no calling upon each other before noon, that's the first rule. Second rule, no kissing.'' Zuko couldn't imagine kissing anyone else than Milah, not even for this little ruse they were concocting.
''Agreed,'' Mai answered, having laid down upon the chaise longue at the opposite side of the table with her eyes closed. ''But holding hands and… touching each other-'' Mai's face turned into one of discomfort. ''-would seem inevitable to make this seem real.''
''You're right,'' Zuko sighed and figured that occasionally holding hands probably wasn't so bad.
''I know,'' she said and put her hand on her eyes so the sunlight that streaked through the window was blocked out. ''I think that establishes it.''
Zuko thought about it for a moment. ''We should have frequent dates. If we were to act in love then I would want to see you often. Same counts for you.''
''You're right,'' she agreed.
''I know,'' he retorted sarcastically, making a small smile appear on Mai's face, one he rarely saw. ''How about I'll pick you up this afternoon and we'll have a picnic on the crater?''
''But then no one will see us. What's the point in that?''
''I'll make a big show of it in the Palace.'' He would make sure that all of the staff knew about the date. Maybe he'd even seek out his sister to tell about it.
Mai was silent for a moment, but got up eventually and looked at him with drowsy eyes. ''Sounds solid. Now get out. I'm going back to sleep.''
''I'll be here at dusk,'' he said before he was kicked out.
''Yeah, yeah, I'll see you then,'' she muttered before shutting the door in his face.
For the first time since coming here, he felt like things were going to be okay.
A/N: I want to clarify that Zuko and Milah's story are not in the same timeframe! Milah is currently two/three weeks ahead of Zuko, since Milah's days on the ship were not really interesting to write about, I decided to just skip ahead a couple of weeks until they hit the Northern Air Temple. Next chapter, I will make the timeframe right again so they are both in the present. Just thought I'd let you know since it's probably confusing, haha :). Secondly, I want to thank the user Val for leaving me one of the most beautiful reviews I have ever gotten! I love you all, my faithful readers and reviewers.