Chapter 18
Entering the conference room, I was seeing two men sat at the far end of the table. They both looked up and at me as I entered and then stood up. One looked a lot older with greying hair and glasses while the other was younger. Both were wearing cheap suits as though that would make them appear more respectable. I suppose it beat the jeans and shirts that Joe would wear.
"Miss Plum. I'm Detective Sorenson and this is Detective Michaels. We need to ask you some questions"
I felt Ranger guide me to a chair as the two men sat back down and was preparing myself to tell them all about the bank robbery.
"I went to the bank to"
I watched as Sorenson raised his hand to stop me talking so waited patiently for him to ask the questions.
"Miss Plum, where were you at 1 o'clock this afternoon?"
That was not a question that I was expecting and couldn't understand why he was asking me that.
"Miss Plum"
That he hadn't told me exactly why he was here to talk to me was doing more than confuse me.
"Here. I've been here all day. Why?"
"Can you corroborate that?"
I looked to Ranger because to me it seemed that I needed to be able to prove that I was here all day.
"Our work areas are monitored 24/7. I can provide you with videos along with witnesses who saw Miss Plum working. Why would you need to know Miss Plum's whereabouts?"
I was looking back and forth between Ranger and Sorenson, that feeling of panic fluttering inside my stomach. What the hell had happened that the police were here asking me where I'd been. Did they think that I'd done something?
"Detective Morelli was shot and killed in his home"
Joe was dead? I was completely shocked with what Sorenson had said. Why would they need to know where I was? Then it hit me.
"You think that, you're here because"
I couldn't say it out loud but to me it seemed that they thought that I had something to do with Joe's death.
"Miss Plum, we're aware of your history with detective Morelli and that you were with him after you were injured. According to people that we've spoken with you were planning to be married until you ran away. Talk is that you didn't appreciate what he was doing for you"
I rested my head in my hands because this was the Burg gossip attacking me again. I knew that I had to at least try to explain my side of the story though from how Sorenson was looking at me I doubted that he'd believe me.
"Joe and I finished weeks ago, but he was still hoping for a reconciliation. I refused and then after I was hurt, he somehow had me removed from the hospital to his house"
"I know that. He was insistent that he needed to keep you safe"
"Detective Sorenson, Miss Plum has an alibi for the time that you asked. I suggest that if you need to talk to her again then you do so through her lawyer"
I knew not to say anything more, what would be the point because it seemed that Sorenson only believed what he'd heard through rumors. I was aware of Ranger handing something over to the detective before they left the room but couldn't summon up the strength to move. That Joe was dead seemed unbelievable. Who would want him dead? Stupid question really because I was sure the list of villains was a long one. So why come here to question me? Did they suspect that I had something to do with his death?
"Babe"
I looked up to see Ranger sat watching me, wondering what the hell to say to him. Even in death Joe was still fucking with my life and I felt awful that Ranger was once again bailing me out. A lawyer, shit I needed to call Albert and call in a favor because for some reason I had a feeling that I was going to need one. I pulled my phone from my pocket eager to get in touch with him but was stopped when Ranger took the phone from my hand.
"Who are you calling?"
"Albert, he's the only lawyer that I know and can afford"
"That's sorted. My lawyer Kendrick will help to sort this out"
I knew that I was frowning because I had no idea who Kendrick was. Then it dawned on me, Ranger was organizing a lawyer for me.
"I can't afford him"
The response that I got from saying that was a kiss on my forehead before he whispered those words that he'd said so many times to me before.
"No price Babe"
I put it down to the shock of why the police had been here as the tears prickled my eyes. I knew that wasn't really the reason and as Ranger used his thumb to wipe a tear from my cheek, I was sure that he knew as well.
"Is it my fault?"
"Is what your fault?"
Joe was dead, something that I was trying very hard to come to terms with. On the one hand I had hated him for what he had done to me, but I would never want to see him dead.
"Is he dead because of me?"
I felt Ranger's hand cupping my cheek and looked into those deep dark brown eyes hoping he'd tell me the truth.
"No. You're feeling guilty because you hated what he'd done to you. His death has nothing to do with you or anyone who knows you"
In other words, his death was a coincidence and any notion that was going through my head that it could have been someone that I knew was just stupid thinking. Yeah, I remembered what Bobby had said when he'd found out how I'd been treated.
"Let's go upstairs. You're probably hungry and need to relax"
I couldn't disagree with that, though I wasn't sure how easy it would be to relax after this meeting with the police. I was shocked that Joe was actually dead, and in a way, I felt guilty that I wasn't more upset. On top of that I was so worried that the police suspected me of killing him. Hell, I'd only ever killed anyone in self defense, I hated the idea of aiming my gun at someone and pulling the trigger. My gun, could someone have used my gun to shoot Joe? My breath was moving in and out of my lungs so quickly I was struggling to keep up. As my vision began to blur, I felt my head being pushed down and hearing Ranger next to me.
"Breathe Babe. Everything will be okay, there's nothing to worry about"
But there was, wasn't there. The rest of the evening passed in a blur as thoughts went through my head. I couldn't talk about it out loud because then the worries would be real. After playing with my food on my plate I made my way to the bathroom afraid that I'd throw up. A bath was what I wanted, to melt away in the hot water, so that was what I did before disappearing into the bedroom. Ranger had been brilliant with me, never pushing me to talk or trying to calm me down. I think that he realized that I needed time on my own just to work through my emotions.
The images were there again, the shadows that seemed to haunt me and to be honest frightened me. Voices and faces were just a blur as they continued to taunt me. Hands moved toward me, but I just couldn't move away from them. It was as though I was frozen or caught up in quicksand. I couldn't move away from them and that feeling of fear was so strong as I felt the pain ripping through me.
"Babe, it's okay, you're safe. No one is going to hurt you"
A voice that sounded familiar and a fragrance that was enticing had the voices slowly quieten and the images disappear like whisps of smoke.
"You're safe Babe, I'll always be here for you"
Ranger, I could hear him and sense him close to me. The warmth from his body felt like a warm blanket around me allowing me to relax, to drift back into a safe and comfortable slumber.
I woke with a start wondering what it was that had woken me. Maybe the daylight was showing through the drapes, but it still seemed far too early for me. I turned when I heard Ranger's soft voice and was surprised to see him talking on the phone. I expected him to be getting up to attend to an emergency so didn't quite know what to expect when he moved me closer to him and gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. I wanted to know what that was all about when he smiled and gave me an explanation.
"The hug and kiss are from Santos, and this is from me"
After which his mouth sought mine, tender to start with, teasing at my lips until I gave him access after which I became lost in the sensation. I'm sure that I moaned as the sensations deepened sending my mind into a frenzy and feeling heat begin to coil deep inside of me. As we pulled apart with our foreheads touching trying to regain our breath it occurred to me that I had no idea what that was all about.
"I don't understand"
I asked as I frowned trying to find an explanation for the phone call and then the two very different kisses.
"Santos wanted me to give you a hug and a kiss because they've just delivered Jeseppi to the FBI and that no one got hurt. The second kiss was from me"
"Really?"
I didn't know how to feel about the news, relief that I'd been right with my thinking and where it had taken me, pride in myself that I'd followed my instincts and I suppose a sense that I was part of the team responsible for bringing in Jeseppi when no one else could. It also gave me the confidence that, yeah, maybe I could do the job that Les was asking of me.
"Proud of you Babe"
Meant so much coming from Ranger, he had always been the only person who had supported me by saying that. Joe never had, he had constantly berated me, regardless of my successes he had never once acknowledged anything that I'd done well. As for my mother, well, I was sure that I had always been a disappointment to her because I just couldn't conform to her expectations.
I probably had a large grin on my face as I settled my head back onto Ranger's chest, but then I remembered dreaming. Well not dreams, nightmares.
"I woke you, didn't I?"
I felt his arms close around me, pulling me across his chest which to be honest was where I usually ended up when I slept with Ranger.
"You were having a bad dream, so I knew that I needed to help you. I'll always be there for you Babe"
I felt awful that I'd been so restless that I'd disturbed Ranger.
"That's the first time for ages"
I moaned out loud, so disappointed that the nightmare had come back.
"Tell me about it, Babe, the nightmare"
I would have closed my eyes if they hadn't already been closed. I wasn't sure that I wanted to tell anyone what plagued me because I had no idea what it meant. Were they memories or figments of my imagination? I had no idea, but I knew that they frightened me to death with the feeling of panic and total helplessness that came over me.
"Hands, reaching for me, and voices but everything is blurred. Faces that weren't there but the way that they made me feel. Then pain, so real"
The tears were back again so I quickly wiped my eyes hoping that Ranger wouldn't notice. Describing what I saw in those nightmares didn't even come close to how it made me feel. That feeling of losing control, being powerless.
"Shush, go back to sleep. I'm here with you"
Waking up again I was aware of the soft fabric underneath my head and realized that I was hugging a pillow in my arms. The brightness in the room had my eyes coming open confirming that I was on my own in the bed and that it was probably later than I realized. I moved quickly out of the bed desperate for the bathroom before pulling on a robe and heading into the living area. The apartment was very quiet and looking around I found that it was empty. Ranger must have got up and left me to sleep. I padded into the kitchen to find a domed plate sat on the work surface and was delighted to find a couple of croissants with a pot of jam and cream next to them. Investigating further the coffee machine was sat ready to deliver a much needed coffee. As I drank my coffee I thought back to the night before and the nightmare. Maybe the whole Joe thing and the thoughts that I'd had were responsible for it returning. I needed to push all those thoughts to the back of my mind. Move forward and get some sort of control back.
I was surprised that it was nearly 9 in the morning which meant that Ranger had probably been up for hours and was off somewhere working, so I sat and savored my breakfast before showering and dressing. I knew that I still had some files to look at and with that thought came the memory from during the night when Ranger had woken me up with the news from Les. That lifted my spirits and had me feeling quite enthusiastic to tackle the new files.
For a change I used the stairs to go down to five, once again reminding myself that I needed to pick up with a new fitness regime and wondering when Les was going to have me start any training. The floor was fairly quiet with the hum of machines and the occasional voices as I made my way to my new office. Opening the door my eyes instantly landed on the brown package in the middle of my desk. I'd forgotten all about that but was now curious with what was inside. A note was sat next to it telling me that it was free from anything hazardous with no evidence of where it had come from. I knew that Ram would have done a thorough job in examining the parcel so now I had to decide what to do with it.
I picked it up then went and sat on the couch debating whether or not I wanted to open it. In my own mind I was almost certain that the only place that it could have come from was the elderly man in the bank. Of course, that raised the question of why he would have slipped it into my pocket. I carefully unfastened the string and began to unwrap the brown paper thinking that whoever had wrapped it up had done a very neat job. As I removed the paper, I was surprised to see that I was looking at a book.
I ran my fingers over the surface appreciating the smooth texture of the brown leather but not seeing anything written on it to identify exactly what the book was about. Carefully opening the book to the first page revealed that it wasn't a printed book but contained neat script writing. I'd hoped that maybe the first page would reveal the name of the owner and was disappointed with the single word written in the middle of the page and underlined. Atonement.
It seemed a strange title to use so now totally caught up with wanting to know what was contained in the book I sat back on the couch and turned to the second page. I didn't stop reading until the words ran out totally confused with the content. Someone had written a series of short verses that really didn't make any sense to me. Each verse was separated by a blank page but as I compared the first verse to the last, I could see how the writing had changed. The neat black script words written in what looked like ink to me was almost a scrawl by the end. Yet again there was no name to indicate who the author was or why the verses had been written. I wasn't even sure if this was an attempt to write poetry or the inhibited thoughts of a deranged mind. What it didn't give me were any answers.
1
I take a deep breath, take in the day
Allow all that is bothering me
To disappear
The heartache, the crying, the fear
Never let it overpower me
I'm stronger than I think
I got this, I promise
Don't ever allow it to drown me
Never sink
2
Forgive the rain, the volcanos that erupt
Forgive those bad days
That can haunt me and such
Forgive the ghastly wind
If it tries to blow me away
Forgiveness, isn't always easy
Yet, it is the right thing to do
Forgiving not for the other person
But forgiving for me
Others may let you down
Yet no need to worry
3
I would just like to say
For all the times I was sad
For all the days I ruined
When I caused pain or was mad
I will do whatever it takes
To forgive myself of my mistakes
To put right those mistakes
Before it's too late
4
I have denied it time and again
That I have done any wrong
I have caused pain
My words and actions I cannot justify
Words may not be enough
To put things right is where I will have to start
Forgiveness, redemption is what I want
5
I have lived with this heavy burden for a while
Of painful memories that made me forget to smile
I have kept this grudge for a lifetime
And my heart has grown cold as ice
It is time to set this bird free
And move on with my life
For those things that I did wrong
I hope that I can mend this
7
I feel the truth
Not because anyone asked me to
I understand where it's coming from
Take what I've done and own it
Say sorry and see it through
Then expect to see a difference
In how I feel
8
To truly forgive I have to believe
That honesty lies inside of me
Actions speak louder than words I have heard
If it happens again, it will be my last word
For months I prayed
Disappeared into oblivion
Even tried to ignore what had happened
But then something changed
God picked me up
And showed me the way
9
I'm like an abused dog
Trust is hard to regain
One person can really screw it up
Then comes an old friend
Yet I was still fearful and unwilling
Little by little, the dog is coaxed out from hiding
Finally beginning again
Then one day the bad owner shows back up
But the dog is not afraid
A threat is thrown
The dog slowly walks away
As if to say he is no longer owned
No longer afraid
By those with power.
10
Please
I'm sorry, ok
I'm sorry
I know I messed up
Will I ever be able to forgive myself
What do I do
Seriously I'll do anything
11
Can one truly forget
Is that a possible choice that one will not regret
Forgiving is said to set one's mind free
of all the chaos of the memory
It is truly a mystery of life
One that no one believes comes without a sacrifice
12
I want to forgive myself
I truly do
but no matter it is just hard to go through
Mind racing up and down
hands shaking all around
The forgiveness is for me
but sometimes I just do not believe that to be true
13
I felt the pain when I realized
I was hurt heart deep
I can't keep a bitterness in my life
Can I accept my forgiveness without
It's healing for me to let it go
And forgive I will, but forget I
Will not
14
I've had good days,
I've had bad ones too
Throughout it all, this much is true
I don't want the bad to erase the good
If I could, I would avenge
If I could, I would put things right
Am I a coward
15
I didn't mean to hurt
Sometimes I do forget
To think before I act
But please know
That this much is true
Even though I have messed up
I need to put this away
16
Forgiveness is an action of the heart
It can easily be seen
You can remember if you wish
But make sure you have let go
This will provide healing for your body
And open up doors that only few know of
17
Grown like weeds mistakes
Might I ask for forgiveness in what I have done
Forget that I have fallen short
simply see that I am here waiting in the clear
Can you see the sky above full of stars
shining bright
18
I admit the fault is mine
time is running short
Hear the words I have said
so that I can return to who I was
19
I offer my hand, my soul raw
from wrongs I have done
Take this offering
to start anew
Agonizing day and night on how to make this right
these words are my gift for me
20
I'm sorry
My heart is filled with much regret
I hope that it can be seen
21
I didn't mean to injure and offend
I hope these words bring some relief
What's past is past
Now to move ahead No more denying
22
I should treat me like dirt
Can I forgive myself
for all the mistakes I've made
Forgiveness is letting go of pain
Admitting fault takes bravery
Only the strongest can find it in themselves
Another chance at their lives
23
Like deserves a second chance
Or at least, one last dance
sorry comes in all
kinds of forms
a hug a word
sometimes a tear
it can hurt
and even anger some
but once done
forgiveness can come
a heart can open
a tear can fall
but for some or for all
forgiveness can come
24
I trust some time or another soon
My heart will stop
I trust my heart will one day
Have the capacity to pardon me
25
Forgive me
When I ask with enthusiasm yet thank with nothing
Pardon me
When I acclaim the activity yet overlook the idea
Excuse me
When I shout out for help yet not for happiness
Excuse me
When I use words to tear down and to devastate
Excuse me
When I recollect the hardship however overlook my reward
Pardon me
When I supplicate sovereign of harmony however live by the sword
Pardon me
When I shrivel from death yet neglect to live
Pardon me
When I'm speedy to outrage however ease back to excuse
Pardon me God