"Now, I bet you both are wondering why I brought you into my office, instead of just giving your assignments up front in the briefing room." Bogo said as Judy and Nick sat before his desk. Nick looked nervous, while Judy took no real notice of her partner's anxiety.
"Well it is a bit unusual for you to do this sir, as far as I know I've only been in here to report things directly, and of course the incident with Duke Weselton and Little Rodentia… are we getting promoted? Are we getting a special assignment? I'd even be happy with a free toaster!" Judy asked, bursting with excitement.
"The second one, we'll talk about the promotion later… also, Hopps. Why would you WANT a free toaster over a promotion, or any kind of special assignment?" Bogo asked.
"People like free things sir. And I've seen the inside of her apartment… it'd only be properly big to rodents. Now what's the assignment?" Nick asked, still looking anxious.
"Well… it's rather odd to say the least." Bogo said.
"Does it involve talking ducks trying to start a hunting season for rabbits and for some reason I'm naked, along with the rest of my family?" Judy asked.
"What? No it-"
"Then I'm sorry to disagree sir, but my childhood fever dreams are probably weirder then this case… oh! Sorry for interrupting sir." Judy said apologetically, Bogo simply rolled his eyes.
"There's a vigilante in this city, goes by the name of Spider-Ham." Bogo said as he dropped a file on the desk. They contained pictures of what was clearly a pig in a blue and red costume with a web pattern.
"Ah, I've read about this pig… many consider him a hero, with the notable exception being the owner and CEO of the Daily Badger. Seriously, Jameson mainly uses his podcasts and his business overall to rant about how much he hates the guy." Judy noted as she looked over the files.
"Yes, well Mayor Swift-Hoof wants to know more about Spider-Ham. Not just Jameson's rantings, but he wants to meet the mammal behind the mask." Bogo explained.
"Fair enough, who is he? Where did he come from? Why does he call himself Spider-Ham? Is he more spider then pig, or the other way around… somehow? How does he take his coffee? How does his webbing not break under his weight? Is he even really a pig under that mask, or some other mammal with a natural girth like that? What must it smell like in that costume?-"
"Wilde, this is serious." Bogo said seriously.
"What isn't to you buffalo butt? Besides, these are important questions to ask." Nick quipped.
"One of these days you're going to grow out of that stupid nickname. Regardless, your assignment is to find Spider-Ham, capture him alive, and uncover his true identity." Bogo said.
"With all due respect sir, isn't capturing Spider-Ham going to be more then a bit tricky then just two mammals to work? Especially seeing as he uses some kind of web-like substance to swing about skylines, and that would require a helicopter to get a solid beat on him if we do find him." Judy asked.
"Yeah, I mean I've played enough Moorosoft Flight Simulator to know how a helicopter works, but… well this would require someone who's officially qualified in flying a copter, a flight school education and everything. Believe me I checked, playing video games does not get you a flying license of any kind." Nick said.
"I know… unfortunately most of the officers in the city are… well busy. With their own assignments, and frankly you two are the only available officers to handle this." Bogo said.
"Right, we hunt down a weirdo in a costume who apparently swing's. While you goof around with that Gazelle dance app, or play 'Judy and Nick make WooHoo', or whatever it is you do in here when you're not actually working. See you chief!" Nick said in a chipper tone as he left the office.
"I'm sorry about his behavior sir, I'm certain the work you do is important." Judy said in embarrassment as she left the office.
About a minute later, Bogo was playing with some old action figures. Specifically they were of a rabbit in a futuristic princess dress, and of a fox wearing roguish space attire. "Oh Nick, it simply isn't done. We're from two different worlds!" Bogo said imitating Judy's voice. "True, you're an alien princes and I'm just a simple fox trying to make his way in the universe. But Judy, you know the love that we feel for each other is real." Bogo said imitating Nick's voice as he made the two plastic toys kiss.
"See any flying pigs Nick?" Judy asked as she drove the police cruiser.
"Not yet Carrots… not even the rare red and blue spider pigs… I swear the only way this assignment could be any more boring would be if Bogo wanted us to watch paint dry on… I don't a park sign? Or do parking detail? I mean, would I have to wear that little derby too?" Nick complained as he looked through a pair of binoculars at Zootopia's skyline.
Then overhead, an explosion went off, with a giant robotic spider flying through the air.
"Okay! That's a new one!" Judy hollered with surprise.
"And I got a visual on our porker! He's being chased by the big robot spider!" Nick proclaimed.
"Think it's one of Dr. Mulerson's?" Judy asked as she floored the gas pedal, racing after the giant robot spider and Spider-Ham with the sirens blaring.
"Probably not, but we can't be too sure Fluff." Nick said.
Several minutes later, Judy and Nick tracked Spider-Ham to a skyscraper rooftop, where they found the web-slinging pig fighting the robot spider, more specifically by jumping out of the way of the robot spiders legs. "Officers, I don't know what this looks like to you! But this is too dangerous for you!" Spider-Ham said.
"So you have no idea who we are, so Carrot's, any ideas on how to knock that thing out?" Nick said as the fight before them continued.
"I do actually. You remember those new net guns we got?" Judy asked, producing one of the net guns in question.
"Oh right! Those are the ones with the remote Taser nets right? How did I forget those?" Nick said, producing another such net gun.
"So what I'm thinking is we fire a Taser net onto that spider-bot. Then use the button that electrocutes the net, and that will short out the robot." Judy said.
"And why aren't you doing that!? Seriously, I'm running out of web-fluid from trying to keep this thing down!" Spider-Ham yelled in exhaustion as the robot spider in question was bound down with webbing.
"Keep your tail on ham hocks." Nick said as he took aim at the spider robots head, fired his net gun, entrapping the robots head, and then pressing a button on the net gun causing the net to electrocute the robot, shorting it out.
"You know, it's rare that I get to say this, especially to police officers. But thanks." Spider-Ham said as he fired off a web-line into the sky.
"WAIT! Come with us in the name of the ZPD!" Judy shouted as she fired a net at Spider-Ham, missing completely as he swung away.
"Great, now that's TWO mountains of tedious paperwork we have to fill out for using these things." Nick said bitterly.
"You might want to make it three mountains of tedious paperwork Slick Nick." Judy said as she armed a grappling hook onto her dart pistol. This time she hit her mark, grappling on to Spider-Ham's ankle, and quickly being dragged along by the swinging pig.
"One day… where she doesn't do something stupid and impulsive. I would ask for this, but I know for certain that will never happen. Wilde to dispatch, we found Spider-Ham." Nick said, using his radio.
"What, already? Bogo thought it would take days to find him." Clawhauser said.
"Well we have… and guess who pulled a Judy-Maneuver in the last few seconds?" Nick said.
"What, she's done it again? That bunny is going to get herself killed doing that one of these days I swear. What did she do this time?" Clawhauser said with resignation.
"Grappled onto his ankle as he swung off, after we saved his curly tail from a giant spider robot, so I'm going to give this thing a quick once over to see if this beastie is some of Dr. Mulerson's handy-work, FAR too big to fit in the cruiser. Call me back if you hear from Judy again." Nick said as he put on a pair of gloves.
"-and at two o'clock you have your meeting with parks and grazing." Jessica, Mayor Swift-Hoof's cougar assistant said as the Mayor calmly drank tea. "Then at three you have your appointment with your dentist and at… at five… Edward? Am I seeing things or is a pig flying through the air, and something being tied to his-"
Then Spider-Ham burst through one of the office windows, with Judy in tow. Jessica shrieked as she hid under the table. While Edward Swift-Hoof didn't budge from his chair and Judy did a three point landing on his desk.
"… Officer Hopps? Why is there a pig in a spandex costume in my lap?" Edward asked nonchalantly, noting the spandex clad pig in question.
"Mayor Swift-Hoof… I've caught Spider-Ham!" Judy said, proudly standing up.
"ARE YOU NUTS?! YOU BROKE THROUGH A WINDOW! And apparently while grappled to someone!" Jessica bellowed in surprise, picking up the discarded pistol in question.
"Jessica, calm down. But in all seriousness, was breaking a window strictly necessary Officer Hopps?" Swift-Hoof asked as he put down his tea.
"Well… not really. But he swung off after Nick and I helped him against a giant spider robot. So I grappled onto him, and after he caught on he tried to shake me off, but that obviously didn't happen." Judy said cheerfully.
"I see… now Jessica, get me Bogo on the line. Let him know we got our pig… and also. Tell him that his… storyline is getting tedious. It's the fifth time this week he's done alien princes and dashing rogue." Swift-Hoof said.
"The heck is a storyline?" Judy asked.
"In this specific instance…? I'd put that question up to Clawhauser if I were you, and it's also supposed to be a secret, so you can't tell anyone. It's not anything serious, just kind of embarrassing, and also really funny." Swift-Hoof said.
"No… Lewis… it was a moment of weakness… I didn't know you called dibs on the last fruit pie… I swear." Spider-Ham mumbled.
"And someone help in getting him off my lap? Seriously, my thighs are going numb under his weight. Also, please bring me more tea." Swift-Hoof said.
"Sir… I'm still shaken by the pig and bunny crashing through the window." Jessica said in exasperation.
"I wasn't talking to you Jessica, Officer Hopps. YOU made this mess, and thanks to you there's glass in my tea. So please, no grossing, and get me a new cup of tea." Swift-Hoof said, pointing to the glass in his tea.
"…You're joking right?" Judy asked in disbelief.
"Do I look like I'm joking Hopps?" Swift-Hoof said in a serious tone, looking directly into Judy's face.
Later on, in an interrogation room at Precinct 1, Judy, Nick, Bogo, Mayor Swift-Hoof and Jessica were standing before Spider-Ham, bound and tied up to a chair.
"Oh… oh no… look. I know what many of you are probably thinking, and the answer may surprise you." Spider-Ham said anxiously.
"Just relax… I just want to know who's behind that mask of yours, little heavy pig. Officer Hopps, you caught him, the honor is yours." Swift-Hoof said.
Spider-Ham pleaded and begged as Judy tried to remove his mask. Eventually she did so after head butting Spider-Ham to try to get him to stop struggling.
"Oh my… I just… I never, never in a million years did I suspect that it could be him! I mean, you think you know a mammal but. I never thought that HE of ALL mammals could be THE Spider-"
"Nick, do you actually know who this pig is?" Judy said, annoyed with Nick's acting.
"I have never formally met this pig in my life." Nick admitted with a blank face.
"I… don't believe it." Jessica said with surprise.
"Can we please not turn this into a thing where we pretend to know this guy?" Bogo said in resignation.
"No, I really know him sir. He's Peter Porker, I've known him since we were practically newborns." Jessica said.
"Hmm, you've gone up in the world. Would have talked to you sooner but… well as I'm sure you've figured by now. THIS is why I've missed or ducked out on dates without warning… sorry for not telling you sooner Jessie." Peter said nervously.
"Right, short answer kid. You're not in any real trouble." Swift-Hoof said.
"Aside from being a vigilante, which you means that-"
"I wasn't finished Bogo! At any rate, you're not in any real trouble kid. In fact, your about to go up in the world a notch or two. See, as I see it, and as I'm sure you know first-hand. Crimes in this city have been getting… rather odd. Dr. Mulerson for example, a renegade scientist who's apparently attempting to make mules the dominant species and everyone else robot slaves, and of course the attack at my Christmas party, and the birthday party I tried to hold for Jessica that was crashed by Prey-Supremacists. And of course the big robot spider that was chasing you around the city in Officer Wilde's field report." Swift-Hoof said.
"Yes sir, it wasn't one of Dr. Mulersons work. Not that I could find anyway." Nick said.
"Yeah, that was a Spider-Slayer. I don't know yet who made it, all I got is a name on it." Peter said.
"At any rate, with the general chaos that seems to be going on in Zootopia these days, we need all the help we can get to face this new age of general mayhem and chaos. And that's why I'm offering you, Peter Porker. To be the first official member of the… of the…" Swift-Hoof said as she looked about his coat pockets, looking for something.
"Sir, you gave me the card." Jessica said as she gave him the card that he was looking for.
"Thank you, you're always on the ball Jessie. Anyway, I'm offering you to be the first official member of the Zootopia Vigilante Registration Program." Swift-Hoof said, presenting the card to Peter.
"Sir, why wasn't I told about this?" Bogo asked incredulously.
"Because then you would just be going on and on about how it's a terrible idea. All the problems it would cause and yadda yadda yadda like that. But with all of the weirdness and general chaos that's going around these days. We need whatever help we can find, and that includes super-powered weirdoes that take the law into their own hooves. No offence." Swift-Hoof said.
"None taken… can you untie me now?" Peter asked.
"One thing at a time, the point is Bogo, is that we need to make even unorthodox resources to draw on to protect the people of Zootopia. Now Mr. Porker, it's rather much that I explain what membership in the ZVRP would entail. Put simply, you help me with some things, and I can get you any resources you need with your problems." Swift-Hoof said.
"And the catch would be?" Peter asked.
"Overall nothing, but we know who you are, and we both want to protect people. We'll iron out further details latter." Mayor Swift-Hoof said.
"Yeah I don't think I'll be giving you any personal-"
"Relax; I still have your phone number Peter. We'll set up an interview latter at City Hall. For now, sir your dental appointment is in twenty minutes-"
"Then why are we still here blabbering?! To the Mayor-Mobile! Officer Hopps, Officer Wilde. Debrief Peter and then let him leave, and Wilde I don't mean for you to steal his underwear!" Swift-Hoof said.
"I didn't say anything about underwear!" Nick said in surprise.
"True, but were you thinking it?" Swift-Hoof said.
"… Yes sir." Nick said ashamedly as the two government officials left.
"So… I'm free to go? You won't tell anyone who I really am?" Peter asked.
"No, but I have to ask. Why are you doing this? How did you get these powers?" Judy asked.
"And how do you seem to swing without apparent holds for that web? Seriously, what could you have swung off of from on top of a skyscraper?" Nick asked.
"Well, it all goes back to my Uncle, Ben Porker." Peter said then Bogo's eyes bulged in guilt.
"I just remembered, there's some paperwork I need to-"
"Who was a police officer, worked at Precinct 1, and spent his entire career relegated to Meter Maid, despite being a valedictorian at the Police Academy." Peter blurted out, followed by Judy giving Bogo a disappointed look.
"Oh really, was he an especially incompetent officer?" Judy asked.
"What? No he-"
"I was talking to Bogo, Mr. Porker." Judy said.
"… no… no he wasn't. He was actually a lot like you Hopps, idealistic and optimistic to the point of irritation… but a good mammal all the same. Pig was practically a mainstay of Precinct 1, long before I was chief. Then… you were inspired by his death, weren't you kid?" Bogo said somberly.
"Yeah, though that doesn't really answer your questions. It actually started when I was bitten by a radioactive spider at a science exhibition. I don't know how exactly, but it somehow gave me the abilities of a spider, sticking to surfaces, the proportionate strength and agility of a spider." Peter explained.
"Proportionate?" Nick asked.
"It means he has the traits of a spider, if they were scaled up to the… general size of a pig. So he's basically better than the actual spider." Judy explained.
"Anyway, after that I made a costume, and some gadgets to shoot webbing, and… went into masked wrestling." Peter said.
"Excuse me?" Judy said in surprise.
"Look, my aunt and uncle could barely pay rent as it was. I had to do something to pay it off and maybe get a little spending money for yours truly, at any rate. After my first victory in the arena… a crook ran past me and a cop. I didn't do anything because; well I didn't want to get involved. Then… when I got home, there was a break in… and Uncle Ben was killed. I tracked his killer to an abandoned warehouse… and it was the same criminal I let get away." Peter explained at length.
Judy and Nick looked shocked. "Well… and I thought I had issues growing up." Nick said.
"And… well after that, realized that if I had done something, anything, that he'd still be alive. I took his life motto to heart. 'With great power comes great responsibilities'. So I decided to use my powers from then on out to help mammals whenever I could." Peter said.
"Old Ben would be proud of you kid." Bogo said.
"Sir… are you crying?" Judy asked in confusion, noting a single tear on Bogo's face.
"No, that's definitely you. See?" Bogo said, hastily moving his tear to Judy's face.
"That's definitely your tear, far, FAR too big for a bunny, never figured you for a sentimental buffalo." Nick quipped.
"…can I go now? I have classes today, and after that I have a date. And I'd rather NOT miss it if I can avoid it." Peter said.