[A/N:] IMPORTANT - PLEASE READ. Okay, yeah, it's been a while. I know I promised to try to update once a month and dropped the ball in August on. Sorry about that. Culture shock is a bitchhhhhh and I've been busy!
Also, I shot myself in the foot with this chapter. It's easy to write what another character is feeling but when you actually sit down to try to write around that pre-scripted dialogue, it's difficult. Namely, Kisame had like 4 very different emotions happening at the same time (right before this chapter ends) and I was struggling with how to word it. I promise you I've been revisiting this chapter once a month since July and I think after much toil I've gotten over the rough patch that I couldn't nail down.
That being said - this chapter is like, 4,000 words and I'm not even halfway through the chapter I promised to rewrite in Kisame's POV. Therefore, the chapter ends kind of abruptly because I think I'm going to write a more serious chapter (part 2) next. Now that I overcame this massive challenge I wanted to post it and be done with it and try to focus on the next parts (the other half of the promised bonus and the rest of the actual story). Please let me know what you think and excuse me if it's a hot mess but that was kind of Kisame's mindset (and my own if we're being honest with each other). Enjoy!
Let me set the record straight: I'm not a bad guy. I'm the happy-go-lucky bisexual swim team guy that's barely passing his gen-eds. I hold the door for people, I thank people for the things they've done for me, and I respect people's boundaries. In short: the complete opposite of Zabuza High Horse Momochi.
And let me tell you: when a guy like me (a guy who takes insects outside instead of killing them) wants to punch someone in the face for being an insensitive prick who can't keep their mouth shut – it's about to get real.
And that was my first thought too. Punch the guy in the face. If you have something to say about Itachi I'm here all week; be my guest. But when Itachi's here show some damn decency would you?
Says the guy who's ready to punch his roommate in the face in front of Itachi. Hypocrite. Again, I'm not the bad guy. In my defense: I didn't start this, Zabuza did.
It really annoys me. When I walk in on him and his crushes do I act like a total jackass? No! I take my things and I give them some privacy like a respectful human being. And to pretend that he had his act together after misgendering Itachi like that? "My cousin's non-binary too." Crap like that isn't worth jack-squat when you don't respect people's gender identities and I'm sure your cousin would absolutely love that!
"Zabuza…" I growl defensively. A warning to back off.
He doesn't flinch. Same unfazed smirk. Same squinted eyes sizing me up. Daring me to beat him to a bloody pulp in front of Itachi. Jackass. How do I get him to leave me and Itachi alone for a while without beating the life out of him!?
Sacrifice the crab cakes. Says the angel on my shoulder, my only shred of rational thinking at this point.
No. Not the crab cakes. Itachi's helping me make those crab cakes so I have something to eat this week! Not Zabuza!
But Zabuza's a sucker for homemade food. He'll take the bait. Says the devil who schemes behind the scenes.
'But the crab cakes though…'I think miserably, wanting to ignore both sides even though I know it must be done.
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and cross my arms: HOSTAGE NEGOTIATION MODE ENGAGED. "I'm making crab cakes." I say, trying to mimic Itachi's coolness. "I'll let you have some if you get lost for two hours." Profanity: Non-existent. Hostage negotiation skills: God Tier. "Deal?"
This is fine. This will work. We have an hour to talk while the meat cools in the fridge and another hour should give us time to finish and maybe hang out after. There isn't a lot of time to figure out all of the details but it should be enough. Three would be pushing it. But all good negotiators start high!
Fuck!
Kisame used 'confusion' and it was super effective because Zabuza seemed to forget that I was about to smash his face in just a second ago. "Seriously? Can't I just lock myself in there for two hours until you're done?" He asks, pointing in the direction of his bedroom.
HELL NO. His bedroom is closest to the kitchen and knowing him, he'd have the door propped open with a recording device to use for blackmail later. And we're not talking the kind of blackmail you see in movies where the bad guy sends the recording to every athlete on campus. I'm talking the kind of blackmail where one minute everything's fine and the next minute your roommates are reenacting your conversations on social media using the recording as a voice over and some freshman stops you as you're walking to class to ask if that's you in the video. Fast forward ten years later and they're reenacting it at your wedding.
"Either you leave us alone for two hours and have as much food as you want when you get back or stay and don't eat anything at all. It's not up for negotiation bro." I tell him with the unshakeable confidence of a Florida alligator prowling the streets in broad daylight. Yeah, like that. It's a risky move but it's also risky for alligators to be wandering around in people's backyards. But with food on the line, it's well worth the gamble.
Despite my God Tier negotiation skills the fucker's still staring me dead in the face with those same squinty little eyes of his. For Christ's sake man, take a hint and get lost already!
We stare down. Two alligators circling a dead fish. Waiting for someone to either make the first move or retreat into the swampy waters.
He can't last. It's dinner time and he's hungry. And while Zabuza's a lot of things, he's true to his word if he thinks he can trust you. I just gotta push him a little further. "Just think about it. The smell of seasoned crabs frying in a pan, breaking apart in your mouth, the crunch of saltine crackers to balance out the savory-ness of crab—."
First his eyes widened. Then his nostrils flared. "Fine!" He shouts and throws his hands up in the air. "I'll drive around for two hours or something and when I get back here it's all I can eat, right?" He squints at me like an angry chihuahua and points at my chest like he's about to say something cliché like "mark my words" before disappearing behind a curtain. He doesn't but he's eyeing me up, waiting for me to seal the deal.
"That's the deal." I repeat. Honestly it's a win-win situation. If he eats all of my crab cakes that's more reason to eat lunch with Itachi and ask him to help me cook something sooner than later.
Zabuza nods and heads for the door. "This shit had better be good." He grumbles on the way out with the same cliché energy as the guy disappearing behind the curtain. It wasn't a bad idea actually. Maybe I could pretend to spill an entire thing of salt in the mix and accidentally poison him!
But Itachi wouldn't like that. Damn…
Now that the high's worn off I suddenly realize that Itachi's been watching our interactions from a safe distance this entire time. From chasing Zabuza around with the shrunken heads that surely resided inside that plastic container to squaring off with him like a territorial alligator just now. And because he didn't say anything I'd kind forgotten that he was even there…
Fuck, how do I explain all of that? "Sorry m'lady, but I had to fight for your honor and Zabuza is a mighty pain and thine ass?" Talk about a hypocrite. I almost took off Zabuza's head for misgendering Itachi and now I'm going to call him a lady? What a fucking joke. Though maybe talking in old
English might turn Itachi on? Not tonight. There's too much damage to repair.
Just play it cool and if you're funny enough he'll forget all about it. Right. With the dignity of a mighty warrior who just returned from an epic battle against a fire breathing dragon – I shuffle over to the fridge, make minimal eye contact and gesture for Itachi to bring the bowl over so I can put it in the neat little spot I cleared out for it. "Sorry Itachi. Zabuza can be a bit of a prick sometimes." Maybe not as distinguished as a mighty warrior who won the battle against the dragon but one who tried his best and came out with a burnt ass.
"I wasn't bothered by it." He says without a beat. God could he be any sexier? Calm and collected as ever. But would it be the same if we—nope. Not gonna think about that right now. Not. Going to think about that. Right. Now.
I shoot a glance at him from over my shoulder. He's looking at me strangely and it's not the first time I've been given this look. Not from Itachi per se, but from others. It's the look children give me at the boardwalk when I pick up a toy they'd dropped. They approach with caution and grab at the toy like they could lose a hand in the process before darting behind their parents. Are you afraid of me? Are you putting on a brave face? And if so, why? Is he thinking of excuses to leave and will he pretend that none of this happened when I see him at lunch tomorrow? Just great. Just fucking great. Thanks a lot Zabuza. Less than an hour into my so called "date" with Itachi and you've fucking ruined it for me. Cheeky bastard. And how the fuck am I suddenly the bad guy when I didn't punch him in the face like I wanted to earlier?
At least if I keep my head in the fridge I won't have to see Itachi slip out the door.
"Is there…" He starts to say as I've resigned myself to my fate: a life of keeping my head in the fridge. "…any reason you were so adamant that he leave?"
Yeah. If I let him stay he'd tell you that I have a huge fucking crush on you and want to jump you in your sleep. What's worse: Deidara kissing you by accident or Zabuza telling you about the things I NEVER told him I want to do with you but in vivid detail? You tell me.
But I can't tell Itachi that. "You saw him, he's a fucking psychomaniac bent on the destruction of our modern day eutopia and had to be annihilated!" Yeah, that sounds good, but in less words. "Do you want one reason or several?" I deflect with a laugh, hoping my panic will go unnoticed. "You saw that psychomaniac!"
"You chased him with a spoiled bowl of soup!" He smiles.
Oh thank God he's playing along! But he's taking the side of the enemy! I can't stand for this! Yet even I can't deny that he's also right. I had, in fact, chased Zabuza with a bowl of soup when he walked in the door. "Yeah, you're right." I concede even though he deserved it. "But he let it go bad in the first place! Motherfucker." Honestly speaking, that shit was rank and is bound to haunt me for the rest of the week.
As I start to relax I realize we don't have to watch Netflix to have a good time. Now that I think about it, he seems pretty relaxed when we talk at lunch. Who said we couldn't keep up that same energy but in a different location?
As I'm working through this new idea, Itachi materializes beside me and tears off a piece of paper towel. "What are you doing?" He blinks at me with those wide eyes and long eye lashes of his. Oh, how I could just take his face in my hands, tilt my head to the side and slowly close the gap but I don't. I show restraint and come back to reality!
"Wiping down the countertops…wasn't that the deal? I'll wipe down the counters while you do the dishes?"
I take back what I said about Itachi relaxing. He lives his life like a robot and I don't think relaxing is part of his coding. Maybe it's the lack of sleep from the night before but when he sets his mind to do something he doesn't stop until the task is finished. Most days I think that's hot as hell. When we study together I can't get through the first page without getting up and walking around but not Itachi. He sits down and doesn't get up again until the book is done. And unlike me, he remembers every word of it because the next time I see him he asks me questions as if I memorized it too.
But in times like these where I wanna go with the flow and just relax, Itachi's need for perfection and order complicates things. I mean, did he have a reset button that restored factory defaults or a windows restart button? Probably. That was a quest for another time and another place and I quickly realize the corners of my mouth are starting to twitch. Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together!
"You don't have to worry about it, Itachi. I'll take care of it later. It's fine" Quick and to the point. Despite my fluency in Itachi-ese, Windows-Itachi-XP continues to run the paper towel under the facet anyways.
Defies his superiors and doesn't follow orders. Mad dom energy, which, come to think of it –nope, think with brain, not with dick. Think with BRAIN. Not with dick. Think with DICK not with brain – wait…
"The longer you procrastinate the less time you'll have to watch something on Netflix." He says in the same tone he uses when I get sidetracked in our study sessions. "Besides, you got mayonnaise on one of the cabinets and it's going to bother me unless I wipe it off."
I'm not even going to picture the scene he just—anddddd it's too late. My mind is wedged in the gutter tighter than a bird's nest in a hurricane.
'Itachi. You don't know it but your words make me unravel like a roll of toilet paper that's been dropped on the floor. I go from chilling on my throne to fumbling around and clenching my ass cheeks together like a damn idiot.' I think. I think it so loud that I HOPE he hears me.
Maybe I should concede defeat and watch Netflix on the couch with him like I intended earlier. Which would be fine if I could easily conceal the growing problem in my pants which would be difficult to do on the couch. If I sit anywhere near him on a couch I can't guarantee that I won't jump him. Scratch that. That didn't come out right. What I meant to say was I have enough restraint to respect his choices and wait for his consent of course. My fear is that I might say something stupid or my dick might do all the talking for me – I dunno it's kinda up in the air.
And that's when the little angel on my shoulder pipes up "Be up front with him. Itachi will understand."
With a renewed sense of purpose, I stand up and announce "We don't have to watch Netflix if you don't want to." Perfect. 10/10. Flawless.
"Why the change of heart?" He asks as he neatly wipes the splotch of mayonnaise from the cabinet.
That damn splotch of mayonnaise sends a jolt through my pelvic region and before I know it a tent is being pitched in my pants. I suck in my breath, grab the offender by the base and manhandle it under the waistband of my track pants before Itachi can notice. Will he notice if I change into a pair of jeans real quick? "Can we just talk or something?" I blurt out before he can say anything about my emergency maneuver just now.
"About?" He asks and heads over to the trash can in the pantry.
'I like you.' I wanted to say. But you don't know that and I can't tell you that. If I did, our friendship might end and I'm not ready to let go of the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. Are we friends or are we less than that? Will we meet up over the summer and hang out like we're doing now? Will you visit me at the boardwalk and will I visit you? Will you still want to hang out with me when summer ends or am I just another face in the stadium to you? I think sadly.
My crotch also hurts, a repeating thought among my other thoughts. And maybe because of that I started to hum like you do when you have to take a piss because Itachi somehow heard me. "I didn't catch that."
If your house caught fire and you only had time to grab the thing closest to your right, what would that thing be? In my case, my head is racing with thoughts about my crotch, my decision to wear track pants instead of jeans, and the fear of my friendship with Itachi fizzling out to name a few. I can't talk about the first two things which leaves the last thought. I grab it like it's my wallet and make a dash to safety only to find out I've lost almost all coherent thought and made it out with just a few coins. I blurt out "So! Finals are coming up soon, eh Itachi?"
And he looks at me like he was expecting me to come out of the fiery inferno with at least my wallet. Some rational thought. Not two cents and an expired ice cream coupon. Nevertheless he plays along. "In about a month from now, yes?"
I've made my bed; now I have to lie in it. "Yeah…" I laugh nervously, wondering how to pick up the pieces of my dignity. "It's funny, no matter how long I'm here it always feels weird to go back home for the summer, you know?"
To my surprise, he engages in my small talk and asks about my job at the boardwalk. Just when I'm starting to get somewhere and feeling confident that my problem is starting to fade, the conversation dies. "…summer isn't my favorite season." He says in response to my invite to visit me at the boardwalk. "Sorry."
He looks away and I can tell that he's genuinely apologetic. I respect that about him. More often than not, crushes are blinded by love that they agree to things they normally wouldn't agree to and end up hating the date. They complain the entire time about the smallest of things like "It's too hot out here." To which I say "It's a beach, what did you expect?"
Not Itachi. He's honest to a fault without being cruel about it and I can see the sincerity in his eyes and notice the paleness of his exposed arms. "Oh. You probably burn don't you?"
"Unfortunately, yeah." He says and begins to roll up his sleeves.
God dammit why am I so dense? Eyeing him like he's my boyfriend, comparing him to my past crushes even though we're not a thing. The only good thing to come of this is that my problem is completely gone along with my pride so at least I don't have to worry about that anymore.
I try to salvage it. "There's other things to do at the boardwalk too, though. The fries are good…"
Itachi nods, staring blankly at the floor, completely disengaged. "We'll see..."
You see, the one good thing that happens when you come down from a high is newfound clarity. Now that I'm not preoccupied with the problem in my pants I can think with my brain instead of my dick and try to turn things around for the better. "Got any summer plans?" I say, dumbly.
Without missing a beat, Itachi bypasses the question and asks "Kisame what's bothering you?"
'Did he see the tent in my pants?' Shouldn't have been my first thought but I'm ashamed to admit that it was. If so, has that been on his mind this entire time? Scrambling for words (and whatever shred of pride I have left) I answer "I…um…I don't wanna…talk about it. It's stupid." What exactly? My boner or my fear of losing him? Both, to be honest but I'm not sure what he's getting at so I won't say either.
When did everything go downhill? Just forty minutes ago I was bumping hips with him and now neither of us has anything to say to each other?
"I'm not one of your roommates Kisame." Itachi says.
"I don't care to see you chasing your roommates around with spoiled food like uncivilized cave men either." I expect him to say next.
"I'm not going to ridicule you for expressing your feelings." He continues.
I'm listening. I'm not breathing but I'm listening.
But he stops there and doesn't say anything more, leaving me to backtrack what he's just said. He wants me to open up to him about how I feel? Is that what he's been thinking about this whole time? Is he just as frustrated as I am? Is he annoyed that we were getting along so well earlier and neither of us have anything to say? Does he want me to make the first move and confess my feelings to him?
"So you finally noticed, huh?" I imagine saying. "My feelings for you." I'd add after a dramatic pause like they do in the movies.
"Your what?" He'd say, damning me to a future of celibacy when it's clear that I've misread him. Is that how Deidara felt on Valentine's Day? One minute you're going 70 on a winding country back road when a tracker the size of your bathroom pulls out in front of you and now you've got a busted jaw, a car smashed like a can and a bill that'll cost you the next three months of your part time job salary?
Uh-uh. I'm not risking it. "Tell you what, I gotta use the bathroom real quick." I yell and sprint across the living room like it's the 100 meter dash. "I'll tell you when I get back! Promise!" What I'll tell him, I don't know. I just know that if he keeps staring at me like that I'll cave and spew out my innermost feelings which would NOT be good.
Me again - for those of you who didn't read the author's note at the top - go back and read the author's note at the top. I'm too lazy to retype it :)
I'll try to update part two sometime in November! See you then!