This is the city, Zootopia. The city where anyone can be anything... apparently it's more literal then I first believed. My name is Harry Carrotson, rabbit, I carry a badge. My partner is Sawa Otocyon, bat-eared fox, she also carries a badge.
We were visiting Savanah Central General Hospital. Our friend and colleague Judith Laverne Hopps was hospitalized after a skirmish with a citizen that had been transformed into a rampaging monster. The doctors say that she'll be back to active duty in under a week... in the meantime she's been lucid on the pain killers.
"Howdy Jude the Dude... how're the docs treating you?" I asked as Sawa brought the gifts. I had known Judy since we were kitts back in Bunnyburrow. But Sawa went above and beyond in splurging her with gifts.
Judy giggled. "Your hat looks funny."
"Yes... well it was Sawa's idea actually." I said as I took off the newspaper hat, that Sawa had made.
"I get bored, and I thought they'd be fun for the poor cyclops." Sawa said.
"Otocyon, that's very rude of you... that may be true, and she's as high as a kite. But you still can't just say things like that!" I said, in reference to Judy's missing left eye, which she lost in the incident relating to Aka Gekido.
"Heh... silly fox... I'm not big enough to be a cyclops. My nose... my nose isn't even a gardening tool." Judy rambled.
"Well... here's my contribution," I said as I produced a bottle. "It's part of a care package from my folks, might actually sober you up from the pain killers." I said as I gave her the bottle of carrot whisky.
"Prometheus Carrot... what a silly name... Prometheus wasn't even a carrot. He was a donut." Judy rambled as she took the bottle of whisky. "I don't even drink... why is water plaid?"
"What in tarnation are you on?" I said, that was when I got the call from Chief Bogo, head of Precinct 1. "Carrotson here."
"You, your partner, my office. Now." Bogo said.
XXXX
"So what seems to be the problem?" Sawa asked when we sat down in Bogo's office.
"I'll put it simply... there's word on the streets about the illegal sale of eggs." Bogo said.
"Monotremes eggs?" I asked, there was indeed a trade in black market monotremes eggs. Mostly kidnapped from their parents.
"No, chicken eggs, and I've been getting reports from the sheriff of Bunny Burrow about chickens going missing... particularly from a Carrotson farm." Bogo said, that was when my blood started to boil.
"You don't say... someone's been stealin' my families' livelihood?" I said, seething with anger.
"Apparently, now normally I wouldn't ask to relative rookies like you two to look into it... but the department has its hands full as is with ordinary street crime, extra-ordinary crime, and just keeping the peace. Judy is hospitalized." Bogo said.
"Really? Sawa do you remember Judy looking under the weather when we last saw her?" I said sarcastically.
"And Nick is doing his own investigation into the incident that injured Hopps in the first place. So you two are the only free officers for this assignment." Bogo said, ignoring my backhanded sarcasm.
"And where should we start looking?" Sawa asked.
XXXX
Eventually, we arrived at the place of business of a Duke Weaselton. A bootleg DVD retailer. "Oh goodie... cops." The weasel said with obvious insincerity.
"I'll cut straight to the point Weselton. We've heard word that you know where to get eggs on the cheap." I said, glaring daggers at the weasel.
"Oh, and just because I'm a weasel you assume I know where to score some eggs. And it's Weaselton. WEASEL-TON!" Weaselton said.
"Listen weasel!" I said as I pulled Weaselton over the counter. "You have a known criminal record! The only reason you ain't behind bars right now is because the most you regularly do is sell these here illegal movies. Now I'm only going to ask nice one more time... after that, Sawa I want you to mess with his merchandise." I said.
"Okey dokey, artichokey." Sawa said as she ate a chili bug-dog that had gotten from a nearby vender. It was a mess of chili, relish, sauerkraut, ketchup, mustard, pretty much every topping they had.
"You wouldn't dare! Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean discs?!" Weaselton said in panic. "Why do you even care about some dumb eggs?!"
"Sawa, that bug-dog any good?" I said, ignoring the weasels pleading.
"It's delicious... of course it's American food so it's not all THAT good. But I now feel like touching DVD's to look at the glare and-"
"Alright! ALRIGHT! I'll talk. Look... the eggs thing is a side thing for me. After that whole thing with Night Howlers, I've been trying to keep my nose clean." Duke rambled; I didn't believe him or especially care. "But with all the REALLY crazy stuff that's been going on since then, it's been a nightmare to make ends meet!"
"I'm asking WHERE there coming from. Not why you're involved." I said in frustration.
"Rainforest District, and if you'll let me get up I can write the address! Just have the vixen keep her paws where I can see them!" Weaselton panicked.
"Don't tell me what to do!" Sawa said as I got Weaselton onto his feet.
XXXX
Eventually, we arrived at an abandoned warehouse in the Rainforest District. (As an aside, there are far too many of these within Zootopia city limits. Even if the actual owners don't agree, there really need to be proper guidelines to warehouse usage.) Inside, we found the chickens... and an old friend.
"Tiny!" I said as I found my families prize rooster. A Jersey Giant, an absolute titan even compared to the rest of his breed. "What're you doing here boy?" I asked as I got him out of the cage he was in.
"So... your family BREEDS chickens like that?!" Sawa said in surprise.
"Well that ain't all as big as Tiny... but yeah, my family's been in the business of breedin' and sellin' chickens for at least fourteen or so generations. For the eggs, the meat, and for the therapy riddin'. Davies, Judy's brother was especially close to this big fella'." I said as I petted Tiny's beak.
"Aren't they... aren't they kind of dangerous?" Sawa said.
"Ms. Otocyon, I take offence that you would assume that he's a violent bird... but now for the obvious question. Is who done rustled my family's chickens?" I asked.
"That makes two of us cow-bunny." Said a women's voice, and there was Ester Foxgerald. Zootopia's District Attorney... and some kind of mage or whatever. I only know so much about all this supernatural hogwash.
"And what about me? And why are you here?" Sawa said.
"Okay three of us, and I was doing my own investigation into these black market eggs... not something I thought I'd be doing during my career." Ms. Foxgerald said.
"And you're here because?..." I asked, justifiably confused.
"It's actually rather simple. Someone is selling these eggs, not just as food, but for magical components. It's a bit much too fully explain, but a fertile egg yolk can be used for communicating with the dead or other manners of necromancy. It's a long story, but it involves a necromancy cult." Ms. Foxgerald explained.
"Please tell me that Bogo didn't already know about this?" I asked.
"No, that buffalo's hooves are full as it is. But now to the matter at hand, figuring out WHO took these fouls." Ms. Foxgerald said as her hands started to glow hot pink. She then put her hands on Tiny's head.
"And you're doing?" I asked, having no idea what was happening.
"Just interviewing one of the kidnapee's." Ms. Foxgerald said. "Okay... I keep getting the words 'shiny mule'. That must be the mastermind of all this... but of course this dumb bird can't give me a-" Tiny then crowed loudly in her face, can't say as I blame him.
"Yeah, Tiny doesn't like being called names. He's actually pretty smart, won against a chess master at the county fair once." I said, of course that chess master was a sour loser, that's how Tiny got that scar.
Then a PA system crackled. "So... you've found my little nest egg. No matter... I've already acquired enough money to support my further ambitions. So, officers Carrotson, Otocyon, DA Foxgerald, I bid you... adieu. You have five minutes before the warehouse self-destructs."
"WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!" Sawa shrieked, grabbing me by the collar.
"Not without the chickens!" I said vehemently.
"THERE ISN'T ENOUGH TIME TO GET THEM ALL OUT!" Sawa shouted.
"On the contrary!" Ms. Foxgerald said as she snapped her fingers, causing all of the locks on the cages to open.
"Let's get this train moving!" I said as I took out my old chicken whistle.
XXXX
"And... that's why we're full of chickens." I said to Benjamin Clawhauser, as I sat on Tiny. All the while the liberated chickens were milling about the Precinct 1 lobby, and I was covered in soot.
"Oh... well it's good that you got them all back safe. But Bogo won't like that there are birds in the building." Clawhauser said.
"Is the big bad buffalo afraid of a few cluckers. Wouldn't that be hilarious Tiny? A big ole' buffalo scarred of you and your kin." I said mockingly as I petted Tiny's neck. Then there was a violent sneeze coming from Bogo's office.
"He's allergic to bird feathers... how long do you think it'll take for your parents to get ALL of these chickens back to Bunny Burrow?" Clawhauser asked as the sneezing grew more intense.
"Well I called my pa on the way over here... and it's about two-hundred miles, give or take between. And he said he'd need to get a Megafauna-class truck to get them all out in a reasonable amount of time. And THAT requires going to my Uncle Jack to get one. Basically it'll be awhile, won't help that he's got the worst case of Antler Tooth in the county." I said at length.
"Antler Tooth?" Clawhauser asked as a hen sat on his head.
"Yeah, it's a condition that causes rabbit's teeth to grow and grow, to the point where they look like antelope antlers, it's mainly called Shope papilloma virus but Antler Tooth is easier to remember and say. Bunny is almost incomprehensible... and you might want to be careful. She'll either answer the call of nature or lay an egg. Or both, either way I'm seeing a mess in your near future big fella." I said, and indeed when the hen jumped off there was an egg on his head.
Clawhauser took the egg off of his head. "Uh... I think I'll make you-" and then the egg hatched. "...son."
"It's a girl." I said.
"What?" Clawhauser asked.
"It's a girl, trust me. One of my jobs on the farm was sexing the new chicks. I can tell at a glance that it's a girl." I said.
"CARROTSON!" Bogo shouted as he burst out of his office, his eyes and snout running like a kitt at suppertime. "GET. THESE. ACHOO! BIRDS! OUT OF HERE!"
"Well where would you suggest moving them to? There are at least a thousand hens and roosters all together, and I am NOT spending the rest of my day driving them again! Had to leave our cruiser behind in the Rainforest District!" Sawa said as she had a particularly stubborn brood hen in a headlock.
"I JUST NEED SOME AIR!" Bogo shouted as he ran out of the building.
"But back to the case, you say the only clue as to who was responsible was someone that Ester identified as a shiny mule?" Clawhauser asked.
"All she could get out of Tiny. And be careful with her!" I said looking over to Sawa.
"Well this hen is a being a big baby!" Sawa said.
"I was actually talking to Henrietta. She's one of my families best egg layers, and she distrusts foxes in general... and weasels... and badgers... she doesn't care for Predators in general now that I think about it." I said as Henriette broke out of the headlock and started pecking at Sawa. "Anyway, the only other clue we do have, is a man's voice over that warehouses PA system. But I was under the impression that we were over and done with mules committing large scale criminal schemes."
"Still, I think you guys did well. The chickens are safe, presumably the Zootopia black market egg trade is in ruins, and I got a new little friend... chickens imprint right?" Clauhauser said.
"Yep, now if you'll excuse me. I have some hens to corral. HYEA TINY! HYEA!" I said as I rode Tiny off to corral the chickens.
XXXX
This case is but one of many in the city of Zootopia... and in recent days, is one of the more sensible stories I've come around. Considering that the night of my first official day on the force, saw the city invaded by genetically engineered hybrids, robots, and the revelation that Judy had been a subverted robot infiltrator well before that. That says something to me at least.
But I grew up on a chicken farm; my father was a tough, often distant mammal. But he did his best to make me a better mammal then he was. My mother was... eccentric at times, but she did her best to make our home a home. I was the runt of my litter... but I never stopped trying to prove myself.
To myself, and others.