He's just a faggot.
Teach him a lesson.
You're not so pretty now, are you, faggot?
You're going to wish you'd never been born.
Kurt shot up in bed, feeling like his chest was on fire. Like his side hurt. Like he was eighteen again and being thrown against that pole, rib breaking.
It was a dream. It had just been a dream.
Only a dream.
Kurt looked to his right, ready to see Blaine sitting up worriedly and reaching to turn on the light or moving to lean over and check on him. He reached his hand out and then let it fall uselessly against the bed.
Because Blaine wasn't there anymore.
It's okay. You don't need Blaine here to calm you down. You are a grown adult.
Kurt tried to slow his breaths, tried to stop thinking about his attack, tried to think back to what Blaine would say when he had these nightmares.
He didn't have them much. However, Friday was the five-year anniversary of the day he'd almost died. Every year he did very well pretending nothing had happened to him but for some reason October was always hard. Maybe because that had been the hardest month of his life. Surgeries, doctor's appointments, pain medication, feeling helpless, being a burden to everyone.
The nightmares would start in the beginning of October, every few nights. But by time the middle of the month, when Kurt's attack was, they would be nightly. Before, however, Blaine was always there to make it better.
But Blaine wasn't there now. Blaine was 200 miles away, in his own bed, asleep.
Kurt closed his eyes and took in a huge breath before slowly letting it out.
I hope I didn't wake Quinn up. She'll tell Finn, and Finn will tell Carole, who will tell Dad. Or Finn will tell Blaine. Or worst, he would tell Rachel.
He opened his eyes, looking around the room. Kreacher was standing at the foot of the bed, clearly concerned. He hesitantly walked up, licking Kurt's hand.
"I'm fine." Kurt said, voice coming out scratchy. "I'm fine."
Kreacher continued to lick Kurt's hand until Kurt shakily stood.
"I'll be back. I'm just getting water." Kurt said, as if Kreacher could understand him and then walked out of the room. He sighed, grabbing his phone off of the kitchen counter and going onto his Facebook app. He immediately went to the chat section, frowning when Blaine wasn't online.
What would he have said anyway?
Blaine, it's almost been five years since I almost died. The nightmares are back and you're usually here to make me feel better. Usually you take my mind off of it. You know what to say to make it okay. But now you aren't here and I don't know what to do.
Because that wouldn't make him sound desperate at all.
Not to mention that Blaine had enough going on. Midterms, mock trials, presentations. Plus, he'd also gone through his own traumatic experience mere weeks ago. Then there was the fact that his grandmother died, which had been an emotional roller coaster for him as well. Who was Kurt to unload that on Blaine when he was probably overwhelmed enough with everything going on in his life?
Kurt stood, padding to the small kitchen he shared with Quinn and getting a glass of water. He was tired, eyes puffy from sleep and not really adjusting to the kitchen light too well. It was a surprise he made it to the counter stool without tripping, really.
He drank his water slowly, trying to not feel like his chest hurt. He knew it didn't really hurt, knew he was just remembering how it felt when he was anxious five years ago when he wasn't completely healed.
Completely healed. Right.
If he was completely healed, he'd be asleep now.
"Screw it. I'm buying a whole cheesecake tomorrow." Kurt mumbled, grabbing the water and heading back to his room. He drank the whole thing in one gulp, checked his phone to see he had at least four hours before he had to wake up and then lay down on his bed. "Or maybe two."
***LTC***
The next morning Kurt walked into his lecture hall, looking surprised when he saw Alec. He frowned when he saw how tired and pale he looked. Then again, he had been like that since Eric had been diagnosed with Active Tuberculosis three weeks ago.
"You made it."
Alec looked up, forcing a smile. "Yeah. Hey."
"Hey. How's he holding up?"
"They're messing with a medicine combination and…" Alec shook his head.
"Not reacting well?"
"He passed out yesterday. He was fine, standing and talking, and he just collapsed."
Kurt's eyes widened.
"I swear to you, my heart fell straight to the floor with him. I've never been so scared in my life. But his eyes were already opened when I got to him."
"Oh my God. Why did they mess with his medicine again? He'd been doing better."
"They were afraid the drug was becoming resistant. Plus, he's been getting high blood pressure because of the main medicine but he already eats so healthy that they don't want to change his diet. It's… It's not fun, Kurt. It's stressful and I cry three times a day because he feels so bad and he's lost so much weight and he's so miserable but he tries to act happy around me."
"Maybe he's being positive."
"No. I know him. He's pretending. He knows how stressed out I am and doesn't want to make it worse." Alec frowned and rubbed his face. "I'm ready for this to all be over."
"His mom is staying with you all now, though. That has to make it a little better?"
"No. It's kind of worse. She just thinks she knows so much better and she will barely let me help him. I'm just… Eric's tried to talk to her. I need the help but she's making me feel like an invalid or something. I've been taking care of him just fine." Alec took a deep breath. "It's going to be okay. The first two months are rough and the first two to six weeks are the worst. It's going to be okay."
Kurt frowned.
"That's still three more weeks of hell. Because this is absolute hell."
"I'm really sorry." Kurt bit his lip.
"It's just hard when I have to see him so miserable day in and day out and there's really not a thing I can do to help him. He's being really strong about this whole thing, or trying to at least, and I feel like I'm breaking. If I don't get full marks from here on out in Baldwin's class, he's flunking me."
"What?" Kurt gasped. "He knows what's going on."
"I can't blame him, Kurt. I've had to miss like six classes since Eric got sick and you know that's more than you're even technically allowed. And I'm dropping two classes at the end of the week before midterms."
Kurt frowned.
"I just can't do everything I am now. He needs me and school can wait. If I pass Baldwin's classes and keep the other two up, I won't be too far behind. And maybe Eric's mom can go home. I'm so ready for her to go home." Alec buried his face in his hands, groaning.
"When Blaine was in his car accident and in the hospital… I mean, it's completely different. But, uhm, I felt like you did. It's overwhelming and your heart just breaks because of exactly what you said. You can't really help. I mean, you can try. And what you're doing is helping. But it doesn't seem like… enough." Kurt admitted. "But I've been on Eric's side too."
Alec lowered his hands. "Shit. I shouldn't have even said…"
"Because after my attack, Blaine was stressed. He was scared and I know he cried when I was asleep or not in the room. And that's so horrible to know, when you're ultimately the one causing that." Kurt swallowed, looking down. Because it was the truth. However upset Kurt was for Alec, Blaine kept creeping into the back of his mind.
Alec bit his lip hard.
"He never thought he was doing well enough but anything makes the world of difference when you're hurt or sick like that. So don't be too hard on yourself. He loves you and you love him. You're doing everything you can for him and he knows that. You're doing the best you can."
"It doesn't feel like it's good enough." Alec covered his mouth as tears filled his eyes. "It never feels good enough."
"It is. I promise it is." Kurt reassured him. "And I'm sure he's very thankful."
"He is. I know he is. I really do." Alec sniffled and took a deep breath. "I can't do this. I can't keep crying over this. Especially to you. I'm sorry."
"You can always cry to me or talk to me about anything." Kurt protested.
"I didn't mean to make you think about that, though. Shit." Alec wiped his eyes and took another deep breath.
"I've thought about it anyway." Kurt shrugged. "Don't worry. I'm here for you, you know? How long until Eric is allowed visitors? I'd like to come and see him."
"Well, I think a week but I'm not positive where they've changed his medicine so much. I'm kind of clueless. The doctors try to explain it but they don't dumb it down enough for me. And Eric's so tired that I hate asking him to explain it. But I'll ask him tonight if he can have visitors… If he's awake, that is. I kind of hope he's not because the only time he's got peace lately is when he's asleep. But… But he'd definitely like the company."
"I'll come over if he's up for it." Kurt nodded. "So just let me know."
"How have you been?" Alec asked. "You look tired too."
"Friday is the anniversary of the day I was attacked. I'm doing fine but I'm having trouble sleeping and I keep thinking about it." Kurt shrugged. "I'll be alright. It's just going to be a rough week."
"Aw, Kurt. Don't let yourself think about it." Alec sat up straight. "You have to stop the thoughts before they completely form."
"That is a lot easier said than done."
Alec frowned. "I know. Well, I don't know. But I can only imagine… I'm sorry."
"Thanks, but it's not your fault." Kurt smiled a bit. "I'm fine. It'll just be like this this week and then I can move on and not think about it until next year."
Alec looked at him, hesitant.
"I'm fine."
"I've never noticed any other year. Is it worse this year?"
Kurt shrugged.
"Usually… never mind."
"Usually Blaine is there to make it better. That's what you were going to say, isn't it?" Kurt's voice was soft and non-accusatory.
"Yeah."
"I've been thinking the same thing." Kurt admitted. "But don't worry about me. I promise, I'm fine. You have enough to worry about. Focus on your fiancé."
"If you need to talk to someone… I'm here for you. I may not understand but I'm here to listen." Alec offered.
"Thanks." Kurt smiled and sat up straight as the professor walked in. "Good luck on the test."
"I'll need it otherwise I'm kicked out of the class." Alec sighed. "Thanks. You too."
…
We're at the hospital again. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Kurt frowned, unlocking his phone. He then typed out a response to Alec.
What happened? Do you want me to come wait with you?
He had a seizure. He's in a lot of pain. Apparently he knew something was wrong but didn't want to tell me because I had that test. And I'd been home five minutes before he had a seizure and after it ended, he was just in agony.
Kurt read the text, a sinking feeling in his stomach.
He's got some neuropath thing. I don't know. It's like a 13% chance he'd even get it and he does. Because of the medicine they switched him to. I don't know what to do. I can't even hold his hand because it hurts him.
I'm so sorry, Alec. It's hard but he'll be okay.
I have to go. I'll text you later. Thanks.
***LTC***
"So I heard through the grapevine you've got a date."
Adrian jumped, turning to face Blaine. He then huffed. "AJ's driving me crazy."
"You didn't tell me you have a date. Why didn't you tell me you have a date? What friend is hooking you up this time?"
"I am busy doing homework." Adrian turned back around in his seat, pointing to his notebook.
"Come on. Seriously?" Blaine sat next to him. "I thought you weren't going on blind dates anymore."
Adrian mumbled something.
"What's that?"
"It's not a blind date." Adrian said louder.
"You met someone? As in a human being? In the real world? On your own?" Blaine grinned.
"I really hate you right now." Adrian laughed.
"How'd you meet? How long have you known him? Does he go to Harvard?" Blaine asked, opening his notebook.
Adrian shook his head. "He pulled me over."
"What?"
"I got pulled over by this police officer and—."
"If this ends in you all having sex in the back of your car, spare me the details."
"Ugh. Gross. No." Adrian shook his head. "He did ask me out, though. And I declined because who wants to date a police officer? They kind of unintentionally suck the fun out of the room because people are too afraid to piss them off seeing as they have guns."
Blaine raised his eyebrow.
"But then we met again. At this café. He got the last freaking cookie—the one I always get. And I was very annoyed and having a bad day and I was like, 'Really?' and then he realized it was me and he gave me the cookie and now I have a date. With a real person… A police officer. I didn't even realize he was the police officer until he told me."
"Is he cute?"
"Oh, yeah. And he's got a nice smile and nice eyes and ugh. AJ needs to keep her trap shut. The last thing I need is all of our friends texting and calling me about it. They mean well but they really should stop."
"Wait. AJ is one of the people who tries to set you up?"
"Not her. She thinks it's dangerous and always waits up to make sure I don't end up dead in a ditch. And she's the one who calls with an emergency if the guy is really boring or has bad breath. It's the other ones. I don't know what it is with girls and gay guys. I need more guy friends."
"They get as invested in your love life as girls do. Trust me. David keeps texting me reasons I shouldn't go to New York this weekend." Blaine sighed.
"You're going to New York?" Adrian sat up straight. "Are you and Kurt back together? You guys are adorable."
"We aren't back together yet but… but it's going to happen. Soon. Not this weekend soon. My chest gets kind of tight when I think of getting back together with him actually."
"Don't. If he's a good person and treats you decently and you love him, just do it. Because a lot of guys out there are creeps or abusive or pizza boys. You don't want to date McCrae, Blaine. Plus, wouldn't it be nice to jump back on the horse you've already jumped on instead of finding a whole new horse? Going through all the awkwardness?" Adrian frowned and then covered his head with his book. "I think I just talked myself out of my date tonight."
"Oh, stop. Anyone would be lucky to have you so you don't need to be nervous." Blaine pulled the book down. "Plus if you bend the pages you won't get as much money back when you sell it."
"These other guys it hasn't even felt like going on a first date, you know? But this time it does and it's weird. I don't like it." Adrian smoothed out the pages of his book.
"Don't be nervous." Blaine repeated. "Anybody would be lucky to have you. Really."
Adrian smiled a bit. "Thanks, Blaine."
"You're welcome."
Adrian leaned the chair back on its back legs. "So why are you going to New York?"
"It's kind of a big weekend for Kurt. I want to be there with him through it." Blaine said. "But we'll have the talk… We already agreed that we'd have it the next time we saw each other."
"That's a big talk."
"We've put it off long enough, really. I have. I just… need time."
"Time isn't infinite, my friend. You wait too long and you could regret it." Adrian twisted his watch around his wrist anxiously.
"No. Stop it. Stop. Why are you nervous? Seriously." Blaine said. "If there was one person who shouldn't worry about a date, it's you. I'm pretty sure you could have anyone you wanted. You've got that whole model look to you."
"Meh." Adrian shrugged his shoulders. "Are you having an allergic reaction? Should I take you to a hospital? I think your face is swelling up."
Blaine looked at him, amused. "I didn't take you as the type to get nervous."
"Yeah. Me neither until a few years ago." Adrian stood and grabbed his bag. "Good luck in New York."
"You'll see me tomorrow." Blaine snorted.
"Unless I diiiie." Adrian singsonged, putting his book into his bag.
"Okay, drama queen." Blaine laughed. "Good luck. Text me if you need a scapegoat and AJ doesn't answer."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Adrian nodded and left, looking like he was walking to his death.
Blaine snorted and grabbed his phone, going into his contacts and pushing AJ's name.
He's adorable when he's nervous. But I'm kind of afraid he'll have an anxiety attack when he's driving home.
AJ answered within seconds.
Maybe Sexy Police Officer will be the first one to make it to the accident.
Blaine laughed and locked his phone before pulling his book out, figuring he should actually study seeing as he'd made the trip to the library anyway.
***LTC***
"I dropped three classes."
Kurt looked up. "Just now?"
"Yeah. I only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays now. I get off early enough that by time Eric's up and about, he'll only be alone for like two hours." Alec dropped into the seat next to Kurt and rubbed his forehead.
"Is he home?"
"Yeah. His mom is with him. She's been watching him like a hawk." Alec nodded. "But Eric's asking her to leave tonight."
"A day after having a seizure?"
"Yeah. The woman was in the damn house and saw him that sick and didn't take him anywhere. She and I got into it when we got home from the hospital last night. I let her have it. She wants to act like I can't take care of him. Eric told me this morning he was asking her to leave, so I dropped the classes."
"Did you tell him you were dropping the classes?"
"Psht. No. Too late to change it, though, so Eric will have to deal." Alec shrugged. "He'll be alright. It's my decision anyway, you know? I'll feel better mentally if I'm home more. Next semester he'll be well enough to even go out in public and stuff, so it'll be easier then. These next few weeks are just going to be rough and after that, they said it'd start getting better. We just have to make it through Thanksgiving, maybe Christmas."
"That's good." Kurt said.
"Yeah. And one of his friends who is a doctor is going to start coming by to kind of see how things are going. He'll know better than me if something is wrong."
"You look calmer."
"I feel calmer." Alec admitted. "Now I just have to survive the storm when I tell Eric I'm only taking two classes. Rough waters ahead. If I don't make it to class on Tuesday, tell the police Eric went off the deep end and killed me."
Kurt laughed.
"Oooh. He can have visitors. You should come over tonight so I'll have an excuse to not take that horrible woman to the airport. If I'm alone with her, I cannot be held accountable for what I do and it won't be pretty."
"I'll go home with you." Kurt laughed again.
"Have I ever told you that you're the best?" Alec asked. "I'll buy pizza or Chinese or something. I don't mind subjecting Eric to my cooking but I won't make you eat it."
"It can't be that bad."
"It really, really can."
***LTC***
"Blaine?" Kurt asked, coming up to the door of his apartment. "What are you doing here? How long have you been here?"
"Hey!" Blaine smiled brightly. "I haven't been here very long. I knew you got out of class at five and…"
Kurt moved forward, dropping his bag and wrapping his arms around Blaine in a tight hug. He relaxed—not even having known he was tense until he did so—and took in Blaine's scent.
"How are you doing?" Blaine whispered, arms tightly around him as well.
"I'm okay."
"Nightmares?" Blaine asked.
Kurt pulled away, nodding. "Yes but… but I'm really fine. Is that why you came?"
"Of course it's why I came. Besides, you've been very hard to get a hold of these past few days."
"When you called last night I was at Alec's. Eric's been pretty sick and hasn't had much social interaction so I went over to spend time with them. I was going to call you back but I got home really late and didn't want to wake you. I meant to text you this—"
"I'm not mad." Blaine interrupted. "You don't have to justify it."
"I just wasn't ignoring you. I've just… been busy." Kurt stared at Blaine, not looking away. He jiggled his foot anxiously and twisted his key ring around his finger. "I've been trying to stay busy to not think about it."
"I know." Blaine nodded. "I know."
Kurt took a step back and nodded also. "Uhm… We can go in if you want. It's kind of messy. Midterms."
"You too? Adrian and I had a mock trial today… against each other." Blaine said.
"Who won?"
"Deadlocked." Blaine laughed. "Which is really annoying because we've been going on for weeks about who was going to beat who."
Kurt laughed a bit, unlocking the door and holding it open for Blaine. "Are you hungry?"
"No. I stopped for food on the way." Blaine stepped in, looking around. It wasn't messy but for his and Kurt's standards, it definitely was.
"Quinn isn't quite as tidy as me and you." Kurt spoke slowly.
"Oh no."
"I'm so used to us bickering over where stuff should be and she doesn't really have a place for anything." Kurt laughed again. "But I'm adapting. See? My shoes are under the coffee table."
Blaine laughed as well. "You are adapting."
"Trying." Kurt sighed. "It could be worse. I could live with Finn and Rachel."
Blaine laughed again. "Anything on the bun in the oven front?"
"No. I'm starting to wonder if it's in my head." Kurt admitted. "Are you hungry? I already asked you that. Sorry."
"Want to sit down?" Blaine asked gently.
Kurt nodded, mind not properly working.
Not only had Blaine remembered, but he was there. In New York City, in Kurt's apartment, concerned and wanting to talk. Blaine had driven to New York after class to check on Kurt, to be there for Kurt. He hadn't even expected to talk to Blaine that day given his busy schedule but… here he was.
Kurt made one foot move in front of the other, walking to his bedroom. He pushed the door open and closed it when Blaine was inside.
Blaine sat on Kurt's bed as if he did every day—which he used to— and sat Indian style. He then looked at Kurt, hazel eyes big and bright. How could Blaine be so beautiful?
"Are you going to sit down?" Blaine asked after a few moments.
"Yeah." Kurt nodded, sitting at the head of the bed and resting his favorite pillow on his lap. "Sorry. I just… I keep putting it out of my mind and today I just… I can't anymore. And I just… I really… I don't know."
"You shouldn't put it out of your mind. That'll only make it worse." Blaine said gently. "You should talk about it. How… has it been? This week?"
"I don't want to talk about it but I… I promised to be more open about how I feel and to communicate better so I… I'm going to try." Kurt took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He'd spent days trying to distract himself with school work, comforting Alec, cleaning his room, reorganizing his spotless bathroom. Anything you could think of, he'd done it to avoid thinking about this. And now here Blaine was, wanting him to talk about how he felt? To say it out loud?
And here Kurt was, giving Blaine what he wanted. He was about to talk about it. He hadn't really talked about it since leaving the court room that day, wanting to put the past behind him, but the past seemed intent on coming back to haunt him.
"My nightmares… They've been horrible this year. They're so real. It's like I'm reliving that night over and over and over and over." Kurt took a deep breath. "And every time I wake up and look to the right, grabbing for you, and you're not there. That is horrible. It's horrible."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. It's not your fault. You have nothing to apologize for." Kurt rubbed his face. "I don't know if I can talk about this."
"Take your time." Blaine leaned over, lacing their fingers together.
"I can't even get away from it when I'm awake. Not really. I know its two completely different situations but… But Eric is really sick and he's been in and out of the hospital for three weeks. He's having adverse reactions to medicines and he… he really needs to have someone with him."
Blaine listened, not quite sure where this was going.
"The thing is Alec is so stressed. He always ends in near tears when he talks about it. He's dropped four classes total meaning he's only in two this semester. He tries so hard to take care of Eric and he's so sad because of things he can't control… And I just… I keep thinking about how when I was attacked… How you had to deal with all of those feelings too. Alec is so heartbroken and it kills me to know that you went through that too. It… I know they're different situations but I feel like there are similarities and they just… I can't get the sound of you crying in the bathroom that first night I was home after the second surgery."
Blaine's eyes widened.
"You cried for like an hour and I… I pretended to be asleep when you came in because I turned your life upside down. And I didn't know how to look at you and… and see your teary eyes. And I know you cried more than that. It kills me that I did that to you. That I was such a hardship."
"I never saw it as a hardship, Kurt."
"I know. And Alec doesn't either. He just wants Eric to get better. And that's how you were and… and something inside of me isn't right, Blaine. Something is broken." Kurt took a deep breath.
"Kurt, it's okay. I'm fine. I was fine then."
"No. It's not that. It's the whole thing. It's everything." Kurt's eyes met Blaine's. "Because this is temporary. This will go away and the nightmares will go away. But… How I felt that night when you cried… That isn't going away."
Blaine didn't speak.
"It's like I can't breathe properly. I should be happy. I'm in New York. This is what I always wanted. But I can't be happy. I've tried. When you left for Harvard, I couldn't deal. When you were with me, I could breathe. And then you left and… And I had become way too dependent on you. I know that now, I do. But I thought if we broke up, maybe I would be able to be happy again. But then I couldn't breathe and you weren't there. So when we became friends I thought I would be able to breathe again because I had you back… but I couldn't breathe again. But I thought maybe once we got… to here…" Tears filled Kurt's eyes. "I still can't breathe, Blaine. I still can't breathe and I don't know what to do."
Blaine crawled across the bed and wrapped his arms around Kurt, holding him tight. He then raised one arm, fingers running through Kurt's hair. "Shh… Shhh… It's okay."
"It's not okay. Even when it's okay, it's not okay. And I don't think it has been but I just didn't see it but… Blaine, I'm sad all of the time and it really… it really hurts. I don't remember a time when I was okay." Kurt covered his mouth, letting out a choked sob.
"Kurt, honey… Kurt…" Blaine pulled back. "Kurt, no."
Kurt nodded.
Blaine pulled Kurt back to his chest roughly, looking up at the ceiling. "It's going to be okay. You'll be okay. I promise you'll be okay. We'll figure this out, alright? We'll figure it out."
Kurt nodded, clenching the back of Blaine's shirt tight in his hands.
"It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay." Blaine whispered in his ear, rocking them both. "I promise."
"I'm so sorry I broke up with you." Kurt sobbed into Blaine's chest.
"I'm sorry I left you."
Kurt shook his head, clutching Blaine closer.
Blaine swallowed, not loosening his grip for nearly ten minutes. Eventually, though, Kurt pulled back and wiped his face.
"I'm sorry." He sniffled. "I didn't… mean for… I didn't want to say all of that. I just couldn't quit. I didn't even know I'd been… I don't know…"
"I'm glad you did." Blaine looked him in the eyes. "Because I want you to be able to breathe."
"I'm so pathetic. I really am." Kurt scooted back against the headboard and looked up at the ceiling. "You go to Harvard and all of a sudden I'm a basket case. I think I'm going crazy, Blaine. Something isn't right."
Blaine moved, sitting next to him. He then slid an arm around Kurt's waist, biting back a sigh as Kurt leaned against him.
"You're not going crazy, Kurt." Blaine whispered.
"Are you sure? Because I almost feel bipolar sometimes. I'll be happy and then I get really, really sad. Then sometimes it takes days before…" Kurt trailed off.
"You know how I told you I wanted to kill myself? When I was sixteen?"
Kurt nodded.
"I wasn't exaggerating. I… I was miserable all of the time. I… I had lived with Wes and David and kind of gotten to this okay place and then I went back home." Blaine swallowed. "They said it would be different and it was… It was worse. I have never hated myself more than I did for being weak enough to go back, for not being strong enough to leave, for not being good enough and knowing I would never be good enough. They treated me so horribly and I… One night, I had just… had enough. And I called David. I told him I couldn't be alone, that I couldn't do it anymore."
"Do what?" Kurt asked.
"Live… It was… Horrible. I was just… tired."
Kurt swallowed, sitting up and watching him carefully.
"And I told him that. That I was tired and I couldn't do it anymore. And he got off of the phone to get his Dad, and I called Wes and told him that I was too tired. And he begged me to not do a-anything and he said he needed me."
Kurt swallowed again, unable to see Wes saying something like that.
"And then David and his dad got to my house and they got me out of there. I was in his office with him for more than three hours just… just telling him I couldn't do it, how everything was caving in and I just wanted out. Because I wasn't good enough, I felt like I didn't matter because I'd done so many stupid things, that I couldn't make myself be… anything. That I felt alone and that if I finally took control of my life, if I died, that the pain would be gone."
Kurt wiped his eyes, not sure if he was crying for himself or Blaine or both of them at this point.
"The point I'm trying to make to you isn't that you should feel sorry for me. It's that I know what it's like to not be able to breathe." Blaine made eye contact. "I understand more than you can know."
Kurt touched Blaine's cheek, not daring to look away.
"But I can breathe now and it's really n-nice." Blaine wiped his eyes. "And I know you can breathe again too because you're so much stronger than me. Than anyone I know."
Kurt didn't speak.
"I want you to be happy. I need you to be happy, Kurt." Blaine swallowed. "I don't only need you to be happy… I need you."
Kurt suddenly wrapped his arms around Blaine in a tight hug. "I'm sorry you couldn't breathe."
"I'm sorry you can't now." Blaine hugged him right back, letting out as shuddery breath. "I know what it's like and it's… it's hard."
Kurt pulled back, tears sliding down his face. He felt connected to Blaine on a different level than he had earlier that day, earlier than before the idea of Harvard was in the picture. It felt… good. It was yet another glimmer of hope for them.
Blaine leaned over, wiping under Kurt's eyes.
"What… What do I do? Where do I go from here?" Kurt hated that he sounded like a child.
"That's up to you, Kurt. I can't tell you how to deal with it. All I can do is tell you is that I understand and that I support you… and love you."
"What did you do?"
"That night David's dad talked me down. It took three hours. We… We agreed I needed to seek help from a professional—and someone that wasn't close to me." Blaine chewed on his lip. "I got a psychiatrist and we spent two weeks just… talking about everything. My parents, the camp, the sex. Then she put me on medicine for Depression."
Kurt squeezed Blaine's hand. It was hard to think back on the time when he'd seen Blaine the saddest over his parents, to see all of those tears. To know at one point it had been worse than that… it was heart breaking.
"It wasn't a fix all. She was telling me how I'm in pain but that I can get coping mechanisms to outweigh that pain. And at first it sounds like bullshit. You can ask David or Wes. I thought it was bullshit and I resisted the medicine and the coping for a long time. I pushed them away for weeks and even when I was talking to them again, it wasn't the same for a long time. But… Eventually I started doing the things my psychiatrist would talk about, taking the medicine regularly, talking to David and Wes about my feelings, and trying to do things that made me happy instead of focusing on what didn't. And one day I just realized that my coping mechanisms did outweigh the pain. And I got better. And I'm still better for the most part."
Kurt didn't break eye contact.
"And you can be better too. Don't do this to yourself anymore. You deserve everything life has to offer and you can't have it without learning to breathe again." Blaine leaned forward, stroking Kurt's cheek. "And I think you'll thank yourself for trying."
"I don't want to talk to someone. I barely know what is going on myself. I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling. I didn't even know I had them yet I feel like I've felt this way for years and just didn't know it." Kurt finally looked away.
"You don't have to know how to word it. You just talk like you did earlier to me and… and you figure it out."
"What if I'm broken and they can't fix me? What if it doesn't work?"
"You get out of it what you put in. If you… If you want to fix yourself, it'll happen. But it's not easy. It's… It's hard and exhausting and downright annoying. And it's really scary at first but it's also really rewarding. It can change your life for the better. But you have to want that help and that change. Otherwise, you won't get the outcome you want." Blaine let out a shuddery breath.
"Thank you for telling me that." Kurt whispered.
"You're welcome." Blaine whispered back.
"I'm so glad you didn't kill yourself."
Blaine laced their fingers together. "Me too. Because then I met you."
Kurt leaned over, head resting on Blaine's chest. He was exhausted, both mentally and physically.
"I love you, Kurt." Blaine whispered.
"I love you too." Kurt nuzzled his shoulder. "Can you… stay the night?"
"Yeah." Blaine nodded, moving both of them into a laying position and then wrapping his arms tightly around Kurt. He smiled when Kurt laid his hand over Blaine's, lacing their fingers together. "I can."
Kurt fell asleep and, for the first time in a week and a half, did not have any nightmares.
…
"Mmmmh."
Blaine moaned, tightening his grip on Kurt.
"Blaine?" Kurt asked, voice groggy.
"Mmmthink so."
"You think so?" Kurt laughed sleepily.
"Yeah. Is that my phone ringing?"
"Yours or mine." Kurt stretched. "You're warm."
"My feet are warm too." Blaine yawned.
"Your feet are part of your body."
"It's too early for snark, Hummel." Blaine whined into Kurt's shoulder.
"Did you not kick your socks off for once?"
"If I didn't, the world must be coming to an end."
Kurt eased himself out of Blaine's arms and sat up.
"Where are you going?"
"Start coffee." Kurt looked down, seeing Kreacher lying over Blaine's feet like he used too. He couldn't tell whether it warmed his heart or broke it. Maybe a bit of both. "You don't have to get up."
Blaine mumbled something Kurt couldn't quite make out but he was pretty sure he caught the word "God." He ruffled Blaine's hair and then left the room, closing the door behind him.
He poured the coffee into the coffee maker, feeling as though he was on autopilot. He wasn't sure how to feel. Upset because of everything he'd said last night? Happy because Blaine was there, in his bed, Kreacher on his feet, like Harvard had never happened and they were still younger and happier? Or sad because they weren't like that anymore? Relieved because he'd admitted something but confused because really, he hadn't even know that until it spilled out and then everything had clicked?
Too much was going on. No wonder he felt like he was on autopilot.
The coffee maker let out a loud beep and he jumped, not realizing so much time had passed. He then grabbed two mugs and set about making both of their coffee. He didn't even have to pause to remember how Blaine liked it. It would be burned into his memory for the rest of his life after making him coffee so many times. It was just automatic, no matter how much time had passed.
And it really had been a very, very long time since he'd made Blaine a cup of coffee.
When he opened the door, Blaine sat up. Or tried to. He looked down, seeing Kreacher at his feet, and then smiled.
"He was under the bed sleeping when you got here." Kurt supplied, sitting next to Blaine and passing over the coffee. "He's got a nest down there. Toys, treats he's hiding, towels, and like three of my shirts."
"Oh no."
Kurt shrugged. "I've got too many anyway. It kind of became clear when I couldn't fit half of my 'necessary' wardrobe into that closet."
Blaine glanced at it. "Yeah, that looks small."
"Looks even smaller up close." Kurt took a sip of his coffee, feeling the warmth go through his body.
Blaine leaned over, petting Kreacher who was still fast asleep.
"He sleeps a lot… I'm kind of debating asking Dad and Carole to keep him until I'm done with school and can have a house or a better apartment with an actual yard in the back. I feel really guilty that he's here with me." Kurt looked down at his feet. He really didn't want Kreacher to leave but it felt cruel to keep him locked up inside so much.
"He's an inside dog, Kurt. He was never outside that much when we lived in our apartment." Blaine said gently. "Plus, he's not a puppy anymore. He's going to sleep a lot. It's not because he isn't outside. It's because he's lazy."
Kreacher raised his head at that.
"That's right, dog. I called you lazy." Blaine scratched behind Kreacher's ear. He set his coffee on Kurt's nightstand when Kreacher jumped up, beginning to lick Blaine's face with his tail wagging. "I missed you too, you evil thing. Do you smell my dog on me? I bet you do. I don't think you would like her very much. She's a lot bigger than you… and better behaved."
Kreacher yipped and started licking Blaine's arm, tail only wagging faster.
"I missed you." Blaine laughed as Kreacher started kissing his mouth. "Argh. Why do dogs always stick their tongues in my mouth?"
"It's what they do." Kurt laughed, watching the two together.
"Okay. Okay." Blaine said, lowering Kreacher. "Calm down."
Kreacher tore from the room, skidding on the hardwood floor.
"Or that." Blaine shrugged.
"Are you hungry? We've got some donuts I think. Or we can go and get breakfast again. Or order something."
"I'm fine for now." Blaine reassured him. "I usually don't eat breakfast anyway. There's not really time for such luxuries when you're in law school."
Kurt forced a smile before taking a drink of his coffee.
"How do you feel this morning?"
"I'm just glad you're here."
That was a safe answer. He didn't have to say he hoped he hadn't made things awkward between them. He didn't have to say he felt relieved that he'd told Blaine, that he'd told himself, but that now he was terrified because that meant he had to do something.
"Kurt, I… Can I admit something?"
"Yeah."
Well, that didn't sound good.
"I…" Blaine hesitated.
"What?"
"I knew something was wrong." Blaine looked down, not able to look Kurt in the eyes. "I knew something was off from the beginning but they said it was the medicine. And the medicine came and went and the… the new you stayed. And I thought maybe after the trial… then maybe after we moved… maybe after we got used to living alone together… You just weren't the person I fell in love with."
Kurt felt the breath leave his body. He literally felt it.
"You were different."
"How?" Kurt asked, voice soft.
"At first it was noticeable differences. The mood swings and… well, you know. Those were obvious. But it was later… It was more subtle things that I didn't notice at the time but… but I wondered…" Blaine trailed off.
"What?"
"I wondered if you might have had PTSD." Blaine confessed, finally looking at him.
"I don't understand what I did to make you feel that way. The nightmares were gone by the time we moved out. I didn't thrash around or anything if someone came up to me."
"No. You didn't. But you did change. You barely talked to Rachel and Mercedes when before the attack, you talked to them every day. You were on the phone with Mercedes right before it happened. At first I understood you only wanting to be around your family and me but then you got all new friends."
Kurt didn't speak, but listened with a confused expression on his face.
"You became best friends with Alec. Apart from me, but it's different. You got really close to Alec, like you used to be with them. And you're friends with Eric even. You tried to be friends with Derek and we know how that ended up but… You surrounded yourself with all new people."
"People grow apart, Blaine. Just because you are still best friends with David and Wes doesn't mean that happens for everyone." Kurt attempted.
"But we both know that's not what happened." Blaine looked him in the eyes.
"Okay. Okay." Kurt didn't argue, tucking his foot underneath him and waiting for Blaine to continue.
"Do you remember in the car? The day we left the hospital when Burt was getting your medicine? We got into an argument in the car and you said something. I don't remember what but I pulled over and you said—you said that we were different."
"Did you think I had it then?"
"Yeah. I thought you might have had it before the trial, Kurt. You said we were different and we were, but that was greatly because of everything going on with you. But instead of asking you, instead of trying to say something, I wrote it off like it was just growing up because I was scared to talk about it. I didn't want to upset you. Everything was already rough for you and the last thing I wanted to do was add to it." Blaine bit his lip.
"What else?" Kurt asked gently. "What else made you think…?"
"You would throw yourself into work and school. You would busy yourself with anything and everything you could. If you didn't have something to work on, you'd make something. You did it to the point where it would make you sick. And you're still always busy. It's like you're trying to run from something… like you think if you slow down, you'll think about it or something. I don't… don't know."
Kurt looked down again.
"But then it just… it became the new you and we became the new us. I didn't really think of it as different anymore because…"
"Because it had been so long that it was routine." Kurt finished, frowning.
"I think I talked myself into thinking you were better. That I fixed you." Blaine sighed. "And that's why when I chose to go to Harvard; I thought we would be okay. But you weren't fixed and I left you. I left you."
"If you didn't love me, why did you stay?"
"What?" Blaine looked up sharply.
"You said I wasn't the person you fell in love with anymore."
"Kurt, I never fell out of love with you or anything like that." Blaine scooted closer, making eye contact. "No. That's not what I'm saying at all. If anything, I think I loved you more."
Kurt didn't look away but he didn't speak either.
"We grew closer and I started to trust you. I don't trust people easily, Kurt, and I let you in. That in itself has to say something. You became the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We talked about red doors and swings. Why would I talk about that stuff if I didn't love you?"
Kurt let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.
"I love you more and more every day. It's kind of annoying. Just when I think I can't anymore something happens and… I do."
Kurt smiled a bit.
Blaine smiled back, grabbing his hand.
"Why didn't you just talk to me about it when you did think something was wrong?"
"The 'different' conversation came up like three times and it always got shut down so quickly that I didn't think I could." Blaine took a deep breath. "I regret that now. But I was eighteen and I was going through a lot too. I'd been disowned and cut off. I was out of school for a semester and I took care of you. I had to figure out how to go to school in the spring, what to do about money… and I was scared. I was scared to venture that far into adult land. I didn't know how to deal with it. I don't… I don't talk about things. Sometimes I think I don't know how to talk about them. I should have been man enough to bring it up, to try to help you, but I was scared of the outcome. That's why I just tried to… make you happy."
"You did make me happy." Kurt squeezed his hand. "Until Harvard."
"I shouldn't have left you." Blaine closed his eyes. "And if I had left, I should have checked on you more and visited you more and maybe I could have stopped us from getting so bad. I should have just asked how you were."
"I would have lied."
"But I still should have asked and when you lied, I should have known and gone to Ohio to see you and to try to fix it. I was a bad boyfriend."
"You weren't a bad…"
"When it came to that, I was. I dropped the ball big time. And you tried to reach out to me more than once but I was so busy with school and I wouldn't call back. When I was in a bad mood, I'd take it out on you. I didn't even know that you were in Ohio at your wit's end. I didn't know that. That was not me being a good friend. I was pissed because I was blindsided but I never should been. I am so angry with myself that I didn't… I didn't know this was coming. I didn't know it had gotten that bad and I… I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"No. It's not okay. Because you called it off and I was so upset that I just… wouldn't talk to you. For a long time. And I was so mean to you that time you showed up and I just… It's not okay. Don't say it is because you deserve better than what I have given you since I left Ohio. You should have broken up with me."
"No."
"Yes. You should have broken up with me. But I shouldn't have left that day. I should have stayed and tried to fix it but I ran away." Blaine took in a deep breath "You were right to have broken up with me because I wasn't being good to you or for you. You deserved better than me."
"I don't want you to make it out like it's your fault either, Blaine. We're both at fault. It goes both ways. I could have tried to talk to you more than I did instead of getting upset and wallowing that we weren't talking. I promised you I would never leave you and I did. I should have talked to you about how I really felt about Harvard. If I had a lot of that tension wouldn't have happened." Kurt stood, unable to sit anymore. "It killed me when you told me you went to Harvard and had known for months… and had told your friends. It's like you didn't trust me. It was like a huge slap in the face. And you left so soon after that. I never had time to process step A before step B came. You didn't give me time to be ready. If you had then maybe I would have been better prepared."
"I'm sorry. I thought you would try to talk me out of going. I really wanted to go. I… knew you would be sad I was going."
"I never would have tried to talk you out of it. Not if it was something you really wanted."
Blaine didn't speak.
"And the thing with the ring… You know how much I wanted to get engaged and then you literally throw that ring at me after we break up. Why did you buy a ring? Why did you do that when you said you didn't want to get married?"
"Because I didn't want to lose you. I felt backed into a corner." Blaine looked at him. "And why do I have to be the one to propose? Why me? You just up and assume I'm going to propose. You're so bent up about being engaged. Why didn't you propose? If you really wanted it, why didn't you propose to me?"
Blaine did have a very good question there, Kurt thought. How had that never occurred to him?
Finally, he asked, "What would you have said if I had asked you?"
"I would have said yes but we couldn't start planning a wedding until we were both graduated and had jobs." Blaine responded, not even needing to take time to think about it. "Because that's what I want. I don't want to get married now just because everyone we know is. Who cares what everyone else is doing? Would I have said yes? Yes. I would have. But on those conditions, because getting married because you've got the wedding flu is ridiculous."
"You really would have said yes?"
"The idea of being married to you scares the shit out of me, Kurt. You know how hard it is for me to trust people and that—that's everything. Full, complete trust. And that is scary because when I let people in, I get hurt. It's not anything to do with me not wanting to marry you. I want kids with you and a happy marriage. I'm not ready. But I still would have said yes because if it was on those terms, I would have had time to be ready."
"What do I have to do to get you to completely trust me enough to take that leap?" Kurt asked.
"I don't… I don't know. I'm sorry. I don't know. I just… If it was right for me now, I wouldn't get sick thinking about it. And I know you want to be married by twenty-five and maybe that could happen but… but now I can't think about that. I just can't now. I'm not ready."
"Okay." Kurt nodded.
"Okay?"
"Yes. Okay. I don't want to pressure you into something you're not ready for. I can wait until after school to get engaged or start planning a wedding. I just need commitment from you that it's going to happen. Because what I'd been getting wasn't that. I felt like an annoying younger brother, not the person you could see yourself marrying one day."
"You shouldn't have needed a commitment from me, Kurt. It should have been unsaid. You should have known."
"Sometimes you're really hard to read." Kurt sighed.
"I'm sorry about that too." Blaine sighed as well.
"Can we agree to move on from all of this? The going to law school, the not talking enough, the break up, the keeping stuff to ourselves? Can we put it behind us and please, please, please move forward? I… I need us to move forward. If you need more time I understand. And I'm not asking for you to be my boyfriend. But I want to take steps towards it instead of tiptoeing this line we're on."
"Yeah. Yes. I want to move on." Blaine nodded. "I'm just sorry that—"
"No." Kurt shook his head. "It's in the past. It's done."
Blaine nodded again. "I'm… I'm not ready to get back together yet. I do need some more time. Can we just… take this slow?"
"Of course." Kurt nodded. "I want you to be 100% comfortable and confident in the decision when we do decide to get back together."
"Thank you." Blaine licked his lips anxiously. "We have to see each other more. We need to make the time to see each other. We need to talk more so we can get back to where we were. If we have to schedule in time, then we need to do it. In order for us to put the past behind us we need to be making a future and the only way we can do that is to talk more and to see each other more. Once a month for a few hours isn't cutting it, Kurt. We have to do more."
"I agree."
"And now you need to focus on yourself, not us. We will spend more time together and talk more. But you're main concern needs to be getting better." Blaine moved forward, touching his cheek. "You have to take care of yourself because me and your dad aren't here to make sure you do."
Kurt put his hand over Blaine's, keeping it in place. "I'll try."
"No. Don't try. Do." Blaine shook his head. "If you don't put everything into it, you'll get nothing out of it. You have to make this time for yourself."
"Okay. I'll do it." Kurt looked into his eyes. "But I need you to help me through this because I'm scared."
"It's okay to be scared. It's a very scary thing… But I'll get you through it. I promise."
Kurt moved his hand down and then wrapped his arms around Blaine. "I love you. I hope you don't care if I say that when we're technically not together but I need to know how much I love you."
"I love you too." Blaine kissed the side of Kurt's face, arms winding around his waist and squeezing. "And I don't care if you say you love me. Because I like to hear it."
Kurt's grip on him tightened. "Good because we haven't said it much since April and I love you now more than I ever have before."
Blaine smiled, kissing the side of Kurt's face again. "I think our coffee is probably cold."
Kurt laughed, swatting his back. "Blaine, you ruined another perfectly good moment."
Blaine pulled back. "Maybe you should take me to your favorite coffee shop here in the city?"
"Okay." Kurt nodded. "How long until you need to leave?"
"I should leave in three hours but I could push it to four or five if I need to… and I feel like I'll need to."
Kurt grabbed his hand, leading him towards his bedroom door.
"Aren't we going to get dressed? Don't you want to fix your hair?"
"All I care about is spending time with you right now." Kurt halted at the door so they could slide into their shoes. "But if you ever tell anyone I left her without getting ready—"
"Death, destruction, horror, fire beams from the sky. I know." Blaine squeezed his hand. "It'll be our little secret."
"Good." Kurt gave an impish smile.
"You know, your hair is pretty long too. I never thought about it but it's styled so high, I guess it'd have to be." Blaine shrugged and touched Kurt's hair. "But you always look adorable when your hair isn't up."
Kurt leaned against him as they waited for the elevator, squeezing Blaine's hand tightly. He smiled again when Blaine kissed the top of his head. All things considered, it really wasn't shaping up to be that bad of a day.
***LTC***
"Well?"
"Well what?" Blaine asked, dropping his messenger bag on the couch "Do you think I should get a new bag? I haven't gotten a new one since I started at UK."
"You get back from New York, change your clothes and run out the door to meet Adrian for a homework date or whatever, and you come back from New York and the first thing you do is ask me if you should get a new bag?" Wes exclaimed.
AJ, who was walking through, gave them both a weird look before walking on.
"Because I want to know if you think I should get a new one. It's hard to justify getting one when I just had to put that entire New York trip on my credit card—sorry, Alex—but I think the strap might give soon I should avoid that awkward thing where everything flies everywhere and people walk on my stuff and…"
"What happened?" Wes demanded.
"I don't know. It wasn't that exciting." Blaine shrugged.
"You spent the night with your ex who you are still in love with and it wasn't that exciting? Come on. Do you realize who you are talking to, Blaine?"
"A lunatic?" AJ called from the other room.
Wes mimed a gun at his head and continued. "I helped create you two, okay? David and I worked tirelessly to get you two together. And you had a pretty good run until you went off into the sunset and Kurt went a little crazy and then you went crazy and the craziness got too much for… both of you, really. But I still made you two, okay? Withholding information is just plain rude."
"You created us?"
"You sure didn't do anything until you decided you couldn't take it anymore and assaulted him with your tongue in the study room after his bird died. Who the fuck even does that? That's the only contribution you made to you two getting together. In fact you seemed intent on sabotaging it."
"Oh, well thank you for creating us." Blaine raised his hands in the air. "And I didn't assault him with my tongue, okay? His tongue met mine. As in we both initiated tongue and—why am I even talking about this with you? I'm going to go study."
"Don't you walk away from me!" Wes chased him down the hall.
"You're joking, right?" Blaine laughed when Wes blocked off his door.
"If you think you can take me, try." Wes responded. "Spill."
"You have got to be kidding me." Blaine sputtered.
"You two are back together!" Wes' eyes widened. "Oh my God! You two are back together!"
"We're not back together." Blaine said impatiently, pushing Wes out of the way when he wasn't paying attention.
"You're not?" Wes asked.
"No. We're not."
"Why not?"
"I went down because it was the anniversary of his attack, not to get back together with him."
Wes' eyes widened in horror. "You mean… I am such an asshole."
"Yep." Blaine went to his desk and put his phone on the charger.
"But why are you so cheerful?"
"I'm not cheerful."
"Okay you're not acting cheerful but you've got the big doe eyes."
"Doe eyes?"
"It's this thing David and I say when your eyes got all big and adorable. I can't believe I'm admitting this out loud. What is wrong with me?"
"You have a thing for when my eyes are big and adorable?" Blaine echoed.
"Yeah. Don't you have things for us? Like for when we're shirtless and you want to screw us but then you remember boundaries and the fact that we're not interested in men?"
"What?" Blaine sputtered. "Are you feeling okay? You sound crazy. Did you try drugs or something? I thought we all three agreed if we ever tried anything we'd do it together."
AJ came into the hallway. "This is by far the weirdest conversation I have ever heard in my life. And I'm friends with Adrian. You don't understand how often he calls at two in the morning when he's woken up with some genius idea for ending world hunger or being able to order things off the internet by looking at the computer. So this is a very weird conversation."
"Mind your own business." Wes said impatiently.
"Mind yours. He doesn't want to talk about seeing his ex. It's their relationship or non-relationship. Not yours. If you want to be invested in a relationship, quit screwing around and get one of your own."
"I sound crazy, Blaine? Did you hear that?" Wes sputtered. As if he was going to get in a relationship any time soon. Apparently it made people secretive and annoying.
"Leave him alone. He doesn't have to talk about it. You're not his father."
"Yeah, Wes. You're not my daddy. So go away." Blaine smiled sweetly.
"For fuck's sake. Whatever. Just know that you and Kurt are exhausting and if you are back together and you're not telling me, I'm highly offended."
Blaine's smile grew. "I'll see you at dinner, Wes."
Wes' face fell. "You're really not going to talk to me about it?"
"Nope. If you want to be invested in a relationship, get your own."
Wes turned to glare at AJ who was still in the hallway. "I could have broken him down but you had to go do your annoying girls-stick-together thing."
"I am not a girl." Blaine scoffed before closing the door.
"Could've fooled me." Wes sneered at the door and began to walk off. "By the way, your answer for 1E on the homework is wrong."
"It is not. You don't know what you're talking about. I did it three times to make sure it was right."
"Suit yourself." Wes shrugged and went into his own room, shutting the door.
"I'm never letting Adrian do me favors again." AJ sighed before going off as well.
***LTC***
"Hey, kid. What are you doing here?" Burt grinned, coming into his office.
Kurt got up, going to hug his father. "Hey, Dad. Jeff let me in. He said you were out getting lunch… at a fast food restaurant."
Burt rolled his eyes as Kurt shot him a look. "You do know that I'm the father and you're the child, right?"
"Yes." Kurt hugged Burt again.
"You didn't just come down to see me, did you?" Burt asked, looking concerned.
"Yes and no. I miss you a lot… Carole and Melody too but I really miss you, Dad." Kurt admitted, stepping back.
"You okay, Kurt? Did something happen?"
"Nothing happened. I just… need to talk to you and I wanted to do it in person."
"Now you're really scaring me. Should we go home? Or outside?"
"Can you leave early? If not, it's okay. But…"
Burt pulled his hat off and put it on the desk. "Jeff, I'm going home early. Think you can handle it?"
Kurt heard a "Yep!" shortly followed by a "See ya, little Burt!"
"Bye." Kurt called, feeling his father's hand on his back.
Burt guided him from the garage and towards his truck.
"I don't understand why you won't get a new truck, Dad. You've got enough money." Kurt pulled open the door and climbed into the truck.
"There is nothing wrong with this truck. I used to cart you to your dance lessons in this truck. You learned to drive in this truck. Because—."
"Every man should know how to drive a stick shift." Kurt finished, rolling his eyes but smiling a bit.
"You hungry? We can stop and get you something."
"I'm not really hungry." Kurt said, tapping his fingers together anxiously.
Burt glanced at him out of the corner of his eye and drove in silence until they made it to the house, not knowing what to say and nervous for whatever he was about to hear. He finally began to talk as they walked up the driveway together. "I feel like you're taking me to my funeral, kid. Look, if you and Blaine decided to go separate ways you didn't need to make the trip to tell me in person. I want what's best for you and I trust you to know what that is."
"Thank you for that but this doesn't really have to do with Blaine at all." Kurt closed the front door and went to sit on the couch.
Burt, instead of sitting in his normal chair, sat next to Kurt.
"I really don't know how to go about saying this. I still don't know what to… think. Or if it's in my head or what." Kurt took a deep breath. "Blaine came to see me on Friday and we had a talk and… I ended up saying some things that I really didn't even know I felt until they came out but once they did… Things started clicking. And I took some tests online to see if we were right and…"
"Kurt, if you're about to come out as straight, I'm sorry but I don't believe it for a second."
"I'm depressed, Dad." Kurt took another deep breath. "I think I'm depressed."
"You're going through a rough patch, kid. You aren't depressed."
"It's been longer than this year. I don't think I ever properly dealt with my feelings back when I was eighteen. I just wouldn't let myself think about it but I cut out my friends, I threw myself into stuff, and I became way too dependent on Blaine for my happiness. And he left and I got really, really sad. The way I said it to Blaine was that it was like I couldn't breathe. And I kept waiting for that to go away. But things are getting better between Blaine and I and it's… it's not helping. I still feel like I can't breathe. I think I've been lying to myself for years but once he and I talked about it… once it was out there, I thought maybe we were right."
Burt said nothing, watching Kurt.
"I took tests online. I… I think I have slight PTSD and depression. I took so many tests and they all said the same thing. And the questions… I didn't know I felt that way until I saw it in print but, Dad, I do. I do and I'm scared because I don't want this for myself. I want to be happy. I want to be a better person." Kurt wrung his hands together. "I don't want to be me anymore. I was lying when I've told you I was fine in New York. I'm really sad. I have everything I've wanted and I can't even be happy about it. It's like I just go through the day and… and… I don't know."
Burt let out a deep breath.
"I think I really need a hug."
Burt moved closer, arms wrapping around Kurt.
"I was so happy after Blaine and I got together and we were really happy. He makes me happy but after the attack, it was different. Everything was different but even my happiness was different. I don't think I've been truly happy since that summer." Kurt mumbled into his shoulder. "I miss that and I want to feel that way again."
Burt's arms tightened around him.
"I'm sorry."
"You've got nothing to be sorry for, Kurt." Burt's voice was gruff.
"You don't think I'm going crazy or making it up in my head?" Kurt pulled back, almost hoping he'd say that yes, it was all in Kurt's head.
"No, Kurt. I don't."
"I don't even believe it all the way myself." Kurt pulled back, surprised he wasn't crying.
Burt looked him in the eyes. "What do you want to do about this?"
"I bought a book." Kurt took a deep breath.
"Do you wanna talk to a doctor?"
"I thought about talking to Alec's fiancé. He's a doctor. I don't know if that would be weird… I would have to tell him everything, wouldn't I?"
"If you want his help, yeah. But no matter what doctor you go to, you'll have to start from the beginning. Maybe you'll feel more comfortable talking to someone you know? Do you see him a lot?"
"Enough. I know him pretty well. He's not a psychiatrist or anything but regular doctors prescribe depression medicine all the time, so he has to have some training about it, right?"
"I suppose he'd have to if he's a doctor."
"He's a resident in a really good hospital. He works in trauma stuff a lot, though." Kurt sighed.
"If you would feel more comfortable, ask him some questions. He doesn't have to be your doctor. He can tell you who to go to, though. He can ask around if he doesn't know offhand." Burt suggested.
"I think whoever I talk to will want to put me in counseling… and I guess I probably need it. If I'm going to do this, I need to go all out. I think I would rather talk to someone than be medicated anyway." Kurt frowned. "It's a lot to think about."
"It is." Burt agreed. "But if you… if you're really depressed, we gotta do it. We have to look into options and do what works best for you. I don't know much about this kind of stuff, Kurt, but I know you don't have to go through it alone. I completely support you getting help and I'll be here every step of the way."
Kurt scooted closer and leaned against Burt. As long as he had his family behind him—and that included Blaine—he knew he'd be fine. Better than fine. Great.