Part 10

GROWING UP

While Edward was having a jubilant evening getting acquainted with Dr. Ravenscroft and his Home For The Peculiar, Kim's evening would be more contemplative and introspective. After Aaron dropped her off at Edward's place, she retrieved a blanket from his room. Then, she opened the house's back door, walked out into the small yard, lay the blanket upon the snowy grass and sat down. She'd told Edward she was running an errand of her own; it was a journey into her past, into her psyche.

Kim was someone with many positive characteristics: soft-hearted and sensitive. Accommodating and protective. Incurably romantic. Yet, as sometimes happens with agreeable personalities, she'd let herself be a doormat, suppressing the truth in misguided acts of appeasement, and it had hurt not only her beloved, but also herself. Often, when the time came to advocate for her own interests, she suddenly lacked the bravery to do so. Painful as it was to admit, the year she'd spent without Edward was partially self-inflicted. Him calling her out on it was the tough love wakeup call she needed, and things could change for the better starting now.

Kim closed her eyes and waited a few seconds. The temperature was about 50º F. Around her were quiet trickles of water from melting snow. Soon, an interaction with Jim floated from the depths of her mind to the surface.

"But that's breaking and entering."
"Look, there's a guy who'll give us cash for this stuff."
"Jim, I don't want to."
"What, you don't want us to have our own van like Denny's?"
"Well why can't you just do it?"
"The room's locked. We need Edward to get us in. Come on Kim, Razorblades will do anything for you."

As Jim had succumbed to the wickedness inside him, he'd influenced her negatively too. She was fortunate to not have a criminal record for what she'd done.

She kept still. Another interaction with Jim came to mind, this one concerning Edward's arrest.

"My old man thinks he's retarded, otherwise he'd still be in jail. What more do you want from me?"
"You could tell the truth."
"So could you, you were there too!"
"It wasn't my idea, you know I didn't want to do it!"
"But you did do it!"

It stung her to be reminded of that. It felt like he was mocking her, from beyond the grave, for her timidity. He'd always had keen instincts and knew how to suss out weaknesses in people from merely glancing at them. "I made a mistake…", she thought. "But it doesn't have to stay that way."

Kim looked up at the clear night sky, and said: "If I ever meet Jim's parents again, I promise, I'm telling them the truth about the robbery. And if they react badly…I really don't care."

How liberating those words felt. I really don't care. Edward knew what he was talking about. Sometimes, other people's feelings would obstruct what was right, and in situations like that, it was more appropriate to ignore them. It was so obvious. How could she have missed it before?

There was something Kim had wanted to try. She'd taken a "concepts of mental wellness" class her first semester of college, where the professor had the students read a chapter about an interesting, and apparently extremely powerful technique for helping to clear negative emotions and thought patterns from people. Now was a perfect opportunity to test the technique. She took the fingers of her right hand and tapped on the side of her left hand for a bit. Then, she moved her fingers to various points on her face and scalp.

"I've been a coward. Sometimes I haven't told the truth. I was unfair to Edward. But I choose to honor and accept myself anyways…owning up to my mistakes, and not making them again…because being haunted by them isn't going to help me become a better person…and it won't help anyone else."

There was pain inside her, which she fought through.

"Edward's forgiven me and I've forgiven myself…I recognize bad influences and temptations and I stay away from them…I surround myself with good influences."

She envisioned a full-length mirror with a huge crack in it. Pieces of glass were falling to the floor and splintering. She kept speaking:

"You're not Edward's angel or his fairy godmother. You're his girl…it's not your job to fix things in his life. You're here because you love him and care about him. You're here because you made that choice…I mean, if he asks for help, give it to him. But don't give yourself away. Your needs matter too, even when working to meet them seems scary. Don't lose yourself in other people…You might have done that, but only because you didn't realize how capable you are of helping yourself."

She paused, trying to think of more things to say, as the pain decreased.

"Edward's on a mission right now. And you're on your own mission in life: to be who you were created to be, to do what you need to do…don't lose sight of that. There's a reason why you chose psych as a major. It's always been what you've wanted to learn about most. That's where your fulfillment comes from. Pray to God and He'll help you succeed in the mission. And always be grateful that you have this mission."

Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too
-Fleetwood Mac

Kim finished tapping her face. Involuntarily, she yawned, even though it wasn't yet 7:00. The exercise also seemed to have impacted her sinuses. She picked up the blanket and went back inside, spending a couple minutes with a tissue, blowing her nose.

Had the tapping exercise really changed things so much? She'd soon find out. If nothing else, it was a great relief to finally say those things out loud. She searched through Edward's trove of books, spotted a tome on herbal medicine which seemed like it may be interesting, and began reading it, reclining on the sofa. Before she knew it, the front door of the house clicked to open, and Edward walked through. It only seemed like she'd been reading a few minutes, but actually over an hour had passed!

"Hey, you! Did you have a good evening?" Kim greeted him.
Looking at his facial expression, she'd never seen him appear so full of life.
"Looks like it!", she said with a wink.
"I think I have everything I need", Edward announced, as he eagerly explained to her every last detail about the friends he had made, and the new home he had found.