See you Later, Eren Chapter 9
Title: Foresight
Wow… it's been almost a month since I last updated this story. I know that monthly updates aren't particularly unusual for other stories, but I still wish to offer you all my sincerest apologies. I promised a weekly schedule, and was very much set on accomplishing that goal, but things took a turn, so I want to explain myself. Basically, it was the 139 added pages. Obviously, they're not even out yet, so how would that have affected me a month ago? Well, like many other times before this, we in the community were leaked this added material well before it came out. I, and I suspect many of you, learned on May 11th about the concepts that were to be presented in these added pages, and from there we underwent the arduous process of panels being slowly but surely given to us, first in a fuzzy form and without context, all the way to knowing exactly what was going to be in these final pages. It was a confusing, scary, depressing, and ultimately just an extremely stressful mess that, quite honestly, killed my motivation to write.
Like I did with chapter 139, I'm about to give you my thoughts on the added pages, but it should be easy to skip if you don't wish to read it. I will say that it won't be as long as my chapter 139 "review," because to be completely honest I've grown tired of caring so much about these leaks, to the point where I don't really anymore. They just kinda don't exist in my headcanon.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter! -Y
My Thoughts on the 139 Added Pages
WARNING. NEGATIVITY IMMINENT. IF YOU WANT GOOD VIBES SKIP THIS PART OF THE AUTHOR'S NOTE
In my humble opinion, they suck. I hate them. Throughout the month of May, I would go through intervals of hope (that they weren't real or context would render them non canon), anger (at why the hell Isayama would add this), depression (that the absolute bliss I took from the original ending will forever be soured), and acceptance (that despite the crappy ending, this story is still incredible and I still want to write this story in all its glory). It would be cyclical, with me entering each stage every couple of days, and I'll be the first one to say that it was not healthy. Don't worry, I've moved past it now, and I feel that I can safely say that it did not destroy my passion for this series, but frankly, they were so bad in my opinion that my passion had taken quite the hit as I struggled to reconcile these added pages. The stress of not knowing if they were real was what made it so difficult to write for the first week or so, but after we received the complete proof and I was able to get out of the denial stage and accept that this is the definitive end to Attack on Titan, the real struggle was finding the motivation. I can't thank you all enough for being so patient with me getting this chapter out there, and I really hope you all will stick with me to the end, especially if we get more bumps in the road. But, honestly, I can't properly articulate how devastated I was when it fully sunk in that these added pages were completely real.
Obviously I'm not a fan of the "Mikasa marrying Jean" bit. I'm an eremika shipper, so it was hard to accept. There are many who say that this was a good development for Mikasa and Jean, and while I'm certainly not here to argue with anyone, I will give my thoughts. The Mikasa/Jean romance was completely out of left field. They shared one one-to-one conversation with each other, and in that conversation nothing was added to their relationship. To imply that Mikasa married him when all was said and done does one of two things. It either implies that Mikasa and Jean had a romance going for them, which is stupid and bad writing (IMO), or it implies that the husband doesn't matter and what was important was that she was able to move on and have a family. Except... why does she need to be married to be shown moving on? I'm one of the people that view Mikasa's character as unfailingly loyal, to the extent that she'll probably never live the rest of her life having fully moved on from Eren. At the same time, though, I'm not opposed to her being shown to move on. In fact, that would have been pretty great. Maybe she did some things for her community, opened a shop, adopted a child, became an Aunt for Armin/Annie and Historia (my headcanon), literally anything. But Isayama really had to go with the one option that actively detracted from the whole "love that was so strong it transcended time and space and broke a 2000 year old curse" thing?
It's dumb in my opinion. It might not be Jean, that part was left in the air, but it's still dumb either way. Honestly, though, what I dislike even more is the Paradis being destroyed bit. Sure, in my opinion Mikasa remarrying hurts her character, but at least it doesn't render THE ENTIRE STORY POINTLESS LIKE WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ISAYAMA (breathe, Yarfathom, breathe). Such a hopeless ending, it's awful. The idea that Armin completely failed... it's so stupid, it just ruins everything. Like I don't know what to think, is this a hopeful, happy story or not? Erwin's last speech, utterly meaningless now. I thought the whole time that it was a hopeful story. That despite the hardship and loss the characters endure, they always succeed. Trost, the Uprising, retaking Shiganshina, the Rumbling, these were all victories for the Survey Corps and kinda gave me the impression that at the end of the day, the sacrifices were worth it. But... uh, guess not.
The titan curse coming back is dumb, too. Like, why the fuck? Why? Why? It defies all of the classes, all of the videos on good writing and narrative building that I've consumed and learned from throughout my life. Honestly it should make me more mad than it does, because it renders Eren's goals completely meaningless, but I suppose Paradis being destroyed sucked out all my anger and now I just don't care.
To me, these pages suck and are pointless. They flesh out nothing and add SOOOO much shit. So, I'm pretending they're not canon, for my own sake. It was hard at first, but I've mentally dissociated now, so I'm good.
You know how I said my goal wasn't to outright retcon any of the developments we got from 139? Well fuck that. Sorry for the language, but if anything deserves such harsh words, it's this. Jean never married Mikasa and that never would have happened. Paradis never would have been destroyed. That's that, you won't be seeing those facts so much as addressed in this story. I will not be changing the outline at all to accommodate the added pages, be sure of that.
But what did you all think? So far, I've got the impression that most of you think it's negative, but if you want to share, feel free to do so with a review!
So much for it not being as long as the last rant. Whatever, it feels good to rant :p
If you liked these pages, then good for you! I'm legitimately jealous of you haha. I don't think less of anyone who likes these pages, these are just my humble opinions. I know it's easy to be influenced by someone whose opinion you may respect because they wrote a fic or posted good art, because I've fallen prey to that a lot, but really, these are just my thoughts.
Sorry for the negativity, I hate to spread it around on my story that's meant to, in part, celebrate Attack on Titan. I don't want to write this story out of hate, out of a desire to see a better ending, and I'm not. I'm able to write this story not because of the crappy ending, but in spite of it. I don't care for those who have dedicated their time to diss on the story just because it didn't end the way they want, and now I'm in the camp that wishes for a different ending, but this will be the last of my criticisms. I wanted to concentrate it here so that I could explain the month long hiatus and leave them at the door. So, without further ado, allow me to thank my awesome reviewers!
Responses to Reviews
Response to The r3wr1t3r: Thank you for the review! That chapter was definitely meant to be a turning point for Eren, at least in the way he views Mikasa and her actions. It won't result in the most radical change in the world, but at least now he understands a lot more why she does what she does, even if he doesn't always think it's the best decision. I understand the criticism towards Mikasa's actions, too. I don't think it's unlike her to act this way towards RBA, especially because her mind is so hyper focused on her goal and dealing with the trauma and confusion of her past life, but I could have made that more clear. And finally, yes, memories are starting to come back, who knows what role they will play! I want to apologize to you in particular for taking so long to update, as you're one of my best and, undoubtedly, speediest reviewers, and I know you would usually await each chapter on Sundays. Your second/third reviews show that we completely agree on the pages and why they're unsatisfying, and I'm so glad you understand why it was so defeating and why I had a hard time writing. I'm more or less good now, even though I'm a little rusty with the writing, so enjoy this newest chapter!
Response to thekimcrystal: Thank you so much! Sometimes I worry that my newer chapters are worse than the ones that came before, so you telling me this made my day! I'm glad you thought everything was in character, as well as your thoughts about Armin. Out of the three EMA, he's probably the easiest to write because I'm the same way as him haha. I hope you enjoy!
Response to dareaderreads: You read my story instead of studying?! What a high compliment, that made me smile so hard haha. I'm really sorry this took so long to come out, especially because the last chapter left you so anxious to read the next one, but rest assured I'm back in the groove of things! Thank you for your comments about characterization, they're always music to my ears! And I'm happy that you appreciated my handling of Mikasa's trauma. Time travel stories are interesting what if scenarios, but I feel this is really more of a story about Mikasa dealing with trauma and exploring how her will to fight for Eren is tested. There is a lot of future "prevention" so to speak, but unlike other time travel fics I've read I really wanted to delve into Mikasa's motivations and her struggle to reconcile Eren's future actions. But ultimately I'm so glad you enjoyed the training arc! I'm at least partially happy that, even if I lose the ability to write and the rest of the story sucks, the training arc will always leave people happy! Your reviews have brought such a smile to my face, and I hope you enjoy!
Response to kaffeenator666: Once again coming in with the incredible review! I'm glad you appreciated the nightmares I've written into the story. They certainly won't be in every chapter moving forward, but it was fun delving deep into Mikasa's psyche and including all that symbolism and foreshadowing. Ironic that you say you wonder when Jean will accept that Mikasa doesn't have feelings for him considering the added pages, I'd love to know your thoughts on them. Either way, this story will continue to move forward with the assumption that Jean and Mikasa could never happen, as Mikasa will always hold Eren in her heart. Yes, Ymir is now on team Mikasa, but their alliance is a bit tenuous at some points thanks to Mikasa not being willing to tell Ymir the whole truth. Combine that with Ymir's tendency to be self-interested, and you've got an interesting team up on your hands. Only time (and this upcoming chapter) will tell how they plan to tackle the RBA problem. Whether Eren receives his future Attack Titan memories or his future timeline memories is a big question, made unclear by the sometimes confusing nature of the timeline, so you'll have to see where that is taken haha. Though I can't say much to maintain the mystery, it's lovely seeing you theorize like this, so thank you!
Response to SpiralNemesis: Wow, thanks so much for writing a review. I'm touched that my story has had that effect on you, and as I'm sure you know through my responses to other reviews, I have no idea how I've been able to envelop so many people. I can only hope I continue my streak of quality with this upcoming chapter. Your description of how it feels like the manga brought such a smile to my face, cause that truly is the highest compliment I can hear and my biggest concern when writing this story. That you would call it nuanced and fleshed out makes me beam with pride at the story I've been able to craft thus far, as writing this story has been both easier and harder than I ever expected it to be. I loved the ending to AoT... up until these added pages, so I suppose I can now say I understand the true feeling of being sucker punched in the face after being on a high for about a month haha. I'm so happy this story has served as an inspiration for you to continue with the writing process, as I truly believe that the hardest part is convincing yourself to get started (at least it was for me). I'm sorry I took so long with this chapter, and I hope it lives up to your expectations!
Marco shuffles the large coin in between his fingers, admiring its pristine shape. For six years, that coin had been with him through thick and thin. His mother gave it to him when he was only nine years old, a trinket to remember her by when he proclaimed he wanted to be a soldier. Neither parents were enthused, but his mom saw something in him that his dad never did, the spark in his eyes. She knew he wanted to give his life to serve the king and make the world a better place, she could understand that...
He holds the coin between his thumb and index finger, looking at it with nostalgia. He carried it on him almost all of the time. On every expedition, and every exercise, it stayed on him. His eternal companion, his good luck charm.
The bright sky shines in pleasant warmth, the long grass swaying by the hill at the rim of the forest that overlooked his training grounds. He knows the place better than most now, because he made it. Trial after trial, he endured, and the three grueling years of training are about to be worth it. Graduation is coming in just a couple of days, and he can't help but feel like he may miss this place, just a little, because he made so many good memories here.
But... there are more memories yet to come. Looking into the sheen of the coin, he smiles. "I did it, ma. I'm going to get into the top ten for sure."
Sure, he doesn't know that for a fact, but Armin reassured him as much after he told the blond his final examination scores, and he trusts his judgement. He'll finally have the opportunity to serve the king and show the world what he's really made of, though he knows the journey is only just beginning. But what a journey it's already been, for all of his comrades. Where does he even begin?
He supposes he should start with Jean. To be honest, he hasn't changed much. Marco knows if he is going to get into the top ten of their class, then Jean definitely will as well, as he's always been a bit better with his ODM gear. With that, he knows he'll at least have one friend in the Military Police with him, even if he's joining for all the wrong reasons, in Marco's humble opinion. Not that Jean's mentality is particularly uncommon amongst his comrades, but it makes little difference to Marco. Either way, it's nice knowing that he's not entering the complete unknown, and he'll have familiar faces by his side. He never changed from his cocky, sometimes petulant self, but Marco is confident that when push comes to shove, Jean will be there to make the right choice. He goes out on his own a lot, but he has the ability to be a natural leader. He knows how to read the room quickly and efficiently, and can make good decisions. They might not always be the most well thought out, but what's important is rallying others to get the job done.
He doesn't know if he ever got over his crush on Mikasa, but it's been around a year since he's made a big deal out of it, so Marco considers that improvement.
Speaking of the girl... there is no question as to whether she'll get into the top ten. There are rumors that she's already been accepted into the Military Police, but that sounds like it couldn't be further from the truth to Marco. She's always been attached to Eren, and that's hardly changed throughout the years he's known them. Surely, she'll be joining the Scouts with Eren, and good for her, Marco thinks. Humanity could use someone as skilled as her on the front lines, and he wonders how she would match up against the famous Captain Levi...
Eren and Mikasa's friendship hasn't changed much, but there has been some upturn. In the past year, he noticed they argue a lot less, though a snap here or there from Eren does tend to occur. For a while, this change seemed to have resulted in a happier Mikasa, but these last couple of months, she's been more quiet. It's probably the nerves that come with the end of training in the 104th Cadet Corps, which makes Marco feel a bit better about himself. After all, if the most talented and respected soldier in the corps gets nervous, then he knows it's natural and nothing to be concerned about.
Eren himself hasn't changed much, either. Besides possibly being slightly more protective of Mikasa, he still has a dying passion to kill all the titans, a quality that Marco finds extremely admirable, if maybe a tad naïve.
"Who else might get into the top ten...?" he wonders to himself as he goes over his thoughts. He isn't exactly sure if Sasha and Connie will make it in, but their abilities are certainly above average. Throughout their time as trainees, the two have grown to be close companions with each other, the goofballs of the corps. Not only that, but them, along with him and Jean, have formed a close comradery. If they do make it into the top ten, he has little doubt that they'll also join the Military Police.
There's also Annie Leonhart to consider. He isn't close with her, no one really is, but he would be surprised if she doesn't make it in. Her hand to hand fighting skills are superb, even if they don't have that significant of an effect on one's final assessment score. In fact, he would go as far as to say they rival Mikasa's, which has seemed to develop into a fun rivalry during this last year. Similar to how Jean and Eren are always butting heads, Mikasa and Annie never so much as smile to each other, though there is a difference in that the two girls never bother with insults. What's curious, though, is that they have never fought each other before. By chance, they were never assigned together by the commandant, and they never duked it out of their own accord. It's become a bit of an inside joke that a fight between the two is something that may never come. Because of this, no one knows if Annie truly has the fighting prowess to defeat Mikasa. Regardless, she would make a fine addition to the Military Police, though she may be too uncooperative.
Reiner and Bertholdt are the other two that Marco suspects may get into the top ten. They're both exemplary trainees in terms of competence on the field, though Reiner definitely excels in a way that surpasses his close friend. Easy to depend on, trustworthy, and skilled, he knows they'll both be great Police, even if their motivation is, once again, to escape the danger of the outer walls.
But everyone has their own battles to fight, their own goals to strive for, and for Marco, it's proving his loyalty to the King and making the world a better place than where he left it. It's a goal that, despite not being the strongest, or the smartest, or the best leader, makes him feel proud to be who he is. Plus, he isn't the one to get jealous of others' accomplishments. He'll dedicate his heart, no matter where it takes him.
"Dedicate your hearts!" the booming voice of one of the trainees' superior officers echoes throughout the crisp night. Mikasa feels her fist slam into her chest, another landing on the small of her back, and she feels her throat rumble, the sound of her voice lost in the synchronized shouts of the hundreds of trainees around her.
Dedicate your heart. The phrase has lost a bit of its muster to her now, having heard it for years and years, and she'd be lying if she said the fervent patriotism ever inspired her with any kind of hope. However, it's different now. If nothing else, the determined hum of the soldiers around her reminds her of the very reason she's fighting. That enthusiasm, that drive, she's sure Eren, wherever he is among this vast crowd, has a thicker frown, a heartier salute, than anyone else.
The fire that scatters and highlights the area clashes with the cool wind. Or is the wind really that chilly? It's a summer night, so surely not. But then, the shiver that breaks through Mikasa's spine, the small hairs on her arms that stand on edge like a stray cat when it knows nothing good can come of what it's experiencing, there's only one other thing that could mean if not the cold, but it isn't something Mikasa dares to think about.
It's the night of graduation, the culmination of her and her comrades' work through three grueling years. Or at least that's how many would describe it. She wishes she could reminisce upon the good times she's had in her training. The lunch breaks with Sasha, Connie's constant jokes (which never fail to be poorly timed), Jean's amusing attempts to woo her, her "special" training sessions with Armin and Ymir. She'd agreed to do extra training with Ymir as part of a deal she can't even remember, and she had insisted on training with Armin. Things were going to get tough... things are going to get tough... it couldn't hurt to have him be more prepared, right?
She tried to do advanced training with Eren, too, and sometimes he accepted, but it was always begrudgingly, out of some sense of obligation or generosity, she knows. Other times, he flat out refused. It's on her. She knows it. More than with anyone else, she's desperate to have Eren learn as quickly as possible. But, frankly, she never has been good at teaching, and in her desperation she would unwittingly resort to beating him in every conceivable way, hoping he'd learn from her brutal onslaught the same way he learned from Annie "last time". She was as patient as ever with Eren. Infinitely patient, really, a quality only he seems to be able to extract out of her. But he wasn't patient with himself, and many times there was the peevish shouting of a boy, and the exasperated sigh of a girl.
She catches herself. The thought... the fact of what is to come, slipping into her mind the very second she tries to think about something to calm her fifteen... no, twenty two year old nerves. Reiner and Bertholdt will break down the gate to Trost in a couple of days. It is an inevitability, a giant red stamp on the calendar that, honestly, has hovered over her for the past year, ever since she spoke with Ymir about the truth. It's filled her with an agonizing sense of dread, a feeling so unique that she feels like it could only be experienced by someone who knows the future. As much as she's tried to think, think like Armin always does, of a solution that's less risky, of one that might even result in less death, she can't. There's no winning. It's an impossible game, just like when she tried to get Eren to leave the military.
So instead, she's delegated. Rationalizing that all she has to do is inform the right people, Ymir now, maybe Erwin and Armin down the line... maybe... and they can more effectively use the living weapon that is Mikasa. She's always known what to do when things get violent or risky, it's like a sixth sense to her, but Reiner and Bertholdt are so powerful. She couldn't take them in Shiganshina by herself, she needed the entire Survey Corps with her.
"Even you and Levi... alone, you can't do much" Eren's words spread through her heart, illuminating her soul like a torch that blazes with a fire only that boy can bring. And he's right. She can't do much, but she has to save the world. Except, there are a few things going for her. Now she has experience, now she has a Jaw Titan, now she has foresight.
Is it enough?
It has to be.
"Today, you trainee graduates will be given three choices. You can join the Garrison, protecting towns and reinforcing the walls. Or the Survey Corps, who risk their lived beyond the walls, in Titan territory. Or the Military Police, who serve the King, lead the people, and protect internal order."
All she has to do is kill them. All she has to do it strike Bertholdt. That split second, before he knows what is even happening, that's when she'll cut him out and slice his throat. She repeats the actions she'll take in her head. Again. Again.
It took getting through a lot of denial, but she eventually realized that she really doesn't want to kill the shifters. She knows exactly how they feel, because they told her as much three years ago. They have regret, they have families, they're still human. In the end, they fought against Eren for the same reason she did. "It doesn't matter what they think. I can't convince them to stop. Not even Armin could. They're in my way, and they'll kill Eren if I let them," is what she told herself. But that was before. When she still had time, when she still had years until she had to worry about stopping the three, she could go on hating them for what they plan to do, and that would be the extent of it. Now, it's time for her to pass judgement, and if she couldn't kill Reiner and Bertholdt atop the wall all those years ago while they were still human, how could she do it now?
"No, it's different this time. I didn't know what they planned to do, and I couldn't fully believe they were traitors. I know exactly what will happen now." She lets out a light sigh. Thinking about Eren, she tightens her fist. This is it. Deliberation is a weakness, one her enemies will capitalize on to the greatest capacity, so she must stop. If Bertholdt breaks the wall, Eren will discover his titan ability, and then he'll remember the key, he'll push for the basement, and there will be nothing she can do. Let the Military Police take him? He'll be killed. Let the Scouts take him and use him to reclaim Wall Maria? She'll eventually have to kill him there, too.
Maybe it really is inevitable, but she'd sooner die than let Eren walk down that path again. And she's not going down without a fight.
"Of course, only the top ten students, whose names were just announced can join the Military Police."
Krista Lenz, Sasha Braus, Connie Springer, Marco Bott, Jean Kirstein, Eren Jaeger, Annie Leonhart, Bertholdt Hoover, Reiner Braun, and Mikasa Ackerman. At least that much hasn't changed.
After some final, ceremonious words, the four Commandants of the Northern, Eastern, Southern, and Western divisions give one final salute before allowing the crowd to disperse. Mikasa tentatively drops her arms, eyes darting around the grounds as she thinks to look for Eren among the sea of faces. Almost instantly, she can make out Bertholdt and Reiner's domineering figures from not too far away, their height being a bit extreme for teenagers that can't be older than seventeen. Unfortunately, the sight reminds her of what she really should be doing right now, so she abandons her search for Eren.
There's another brunette she seeks now.
"Ymir." Mikasa calls from behind the freckled girl, who herself is busy picking at some dirt under her fingernail as she idly makes her way to the dining hall. Her shoulders raise slightly, stopping dead in her tracks and turning around to face her.
"Mikasa," she drones back, face absent of anything that could be considered strange or suspicious. Still, her eyes have a pointed glint to them, a question that pokes through the nonchalance of the situation.
"We need to talk."
Ymir hums dully in response, but as soon as they create ample space from the crowd, she shoves the raven haired girl lightly with her arm. "'We need to talk.' It wouldn't kill you to make things less... conspicuous," she points out as they find their way to an empty section of the wall of a building, illuminated barely by the torchlight that sits meters away. Mikasa doesn't care for how sketchy it makes her feel, but she hardly has a mind to think about it.
"You're stressing."
Ymir folds her arms, leaning on the stone wall. "What makes you say that?"
"No one's going to pay attention to these little things. We've been friends for years, it's not weird that we're talking to each other." She keeps her back straight, as straight as the wall to her side, and judging by the look on the brunette's face she wouldn't be surprised to hear a snarky comment or two about the fact she just called them "friends", but it never comes. Instead, only a sigh escapes her lips.
"Maybe I am. I'd hate to die for no damn reason. I don't care what you wanted to bring me here to talk about. I want more details on this little plan of yours."
Seconds pass in silence as Mikasa shoots her a serious stare, unmoved by her brusque tone. Ymir scratches a spot on her cheek. "Besides, it's not like you're any different, standing upright like a watchtower with a frown that refuses to go away. And I'd say you don't actually believe yourself when you say 'no one's paying attention,' even if it's true." Ymir snorts after reading Mikasa's reaction to the comment. She doesn't think she changed her expression at all, but Ymir clearly noticed whatever difference made itself visible on her face.
"Hah, maybe you're more like a lighthouse," she references a building she only could have seen in Marley, "with the way you constantly look at Jaeger when you're nervous. It's like you think whenever you stop looking at him he'll get lost at sea." She chortles harder at the way Mikasa's face contorts into a hard frown, but she doesn't realize how much focus the girl puts into looking as angry as possible, disguising the dreadful feeling that tags her heart like a cold drop of water traveling down the neck.
Lost at sea...
The notion is eerily appropriate.
"You laugh when you're nervous," she lets out, hoping to put the spotlight back on her. Not that it has any effect, as Ymir simply wipes her nose and lets her mischievous smile fade away.
"So. What's the plan?"
"I told you the plan."
"Yeah. I guess I was hoping for something a little better than this. You should have listened to me, you know."
Mikasa sighs, not anxious to restart this conversation about whether killing the three earlier would have been a good idea. "When Bertholdt transformed and destroyed the gate at Trost last time, I wasn't there. But I doubt he'll release his full power with the transformation. Hopefully, I can cut him out of the nape right as he transforms, before he realizes what's happened. I'm fast. I can do it."
"Right, but you don't know how fast his reflexes are. If he has time to use that steam power you keep talking about, what then?"
Mikasa shifts her gaze to the ground. "If he does, he still won't be able to kill me. His goal is to break down the gate and nothing else." She thinks of what Eren said about the Colossal Titan countless times in the Scouts' war room. It always struck her as odd how the titan not only had the ability to generate such destruction upon transformation, but also disappear in a matter of moments, leaving no trace behind. "He'll have to leave his titan form eventually. The gate might still fall if I can't take out his titan, but I should be able to spot him as he leaves, so I'm stopping him either way."
"And what if you don't?"
"I have to."
"Hmm. So assuming everything goes perfectly according to plan, Bertholdt is killed. What do you plan to do about Annie and Reiner?"
She thinks about Bertholdt's method of operation. "Armin always took some time before his titan marks faded, the same is probably true with Bertholdt. It's likely he got help from Reiner and Annie so that other soldiers didn't notice his absence."
"They're coordinated, so they'll realize something has gone wrong before we can reach them. My guess is they'll go into hiding."
"You're guess is better than mine, I don't really know them. Still, though, why assume they'll react so starkly? For all they know, Bertholdt could have been eaten by a titan."
Mikasa mulls over her words, but eventually shakes her head. "They'll know instantly if Trost isn't breached. And if he does succeed in breaking down the gate, they'll learn that I was able to kill him soon enough."
"Yeah... I guess I'm assuming the Colossal Titan will kick the gate in. No offense, but I don't see you stopping something that big." It's clear from her flat tone that she couldn't care less whether Mikasa is actually offended by the remark, so she simply eyes Ymir again, waiting for her to get to her point.
"If the gate is broken, we'd probably be able to get to them before they find out anything's happened to Bertholdt. It's worth a shot, at least."
"Maybe."
Ymir lets her shoulders droop and an unimpressed expression form on her face. "Ackerman, you're gonna need to do better than that. I was hoping you, with all your future knowledge, would be able to call a few shots. Do we or do we not try to get them at Trost? The longer we wait, the more time they'll have to learn and make a counterattack." Mikasa lets silence prevail again in response as she thinks, focusing on the loose hairs that dangle from Ymir's face due to the angle of her leaning.
She knows Ymir is anxious to finish this as quickly as possible. Coming from Marley, the brunette probably knows of the thirteen year curse, and if she doesn't, keeping Historia safe is still something that she'd obviously prioritize and want to get done as soon as possible. Although, Mikasa fears that Ymir, in her haste, might endanger the mission. Not for herself, of course, but for Mikasa. There are so many things that could go wrong with every move, she needs to act with the precision of a marksman aiming for the very center of her target, despite the winds of uncertainty blowing impossibly hard. Ymir doesn't even know it all either, making even a simple discussion of their plans a game of chess.
"It's risky. If we fail, Reiner and Annie will know that we plan to kill them, and the element of surprise will be lost. We don't know if your Jaw Titan can even break Reiner's armor either. That's not to mention the other soldiers who will probably try to stop us from killing them, because they don't know any better."
Ymir halts her questioning for a bit, putting her hand on her chin. "What if I turned into a titan at some point? That'd distract the soldiers, and would give a big enough shock to the two, which would give you time to slice their heads off or something."
Mikasa bites back a scoff. She's killed enough people to know that you can't just slice a head off with no inertia, even with her strength it's hardly possible with her blades. She'd need to come running at them for a second. Not ideal. But even if she killed them in another way, she can't underestimate their skill, especially Annie's. She has no experience fighting Annie while she has on her gear, and Reiner might even be able to coordinate with her to make the pair a deadly team. Mikasa, with all her experience and prowess, still might be able to best them. The chances might even be in her favor, but they're not high enough, and she can't afford to lose this opportunity.
"They'll be on alert. It's a high risk operation they're executing, and Bertholdt will be missing. We need to prepare for the possibility that we can't kill them. In fact, it's better not to try. Not yet."
Ymir sighs once again. "There's no way you don't see how risky this is. I'd bet my titan power that you're not telling me something, but hell if I know what it is, what with all your future shit."
"I've told you everything that's relevant."
"Relevant to me, maybe. But not to your endgame."
Mikasa doesn't respond.
"Don't worry about it. You didn't seem like you were lying about anything you've told me, so I know you'll keep Krista safe. Just remember that I'm not gonna follow you into plans where I don't know what I need to know." She hoists herself off of the wall, beginning to lightly pace back and forth as her hands work on chipping at one of her nails. Mikasa maintains her silence, not really knowing how to approach the topic of what she's not telling Ymir. What she does know, though, is that she shouldn't be surprised that Ymir thinks Mikasa has things she's not sharing. What does strike her as odd is that Ymir thinks she has an "endgame", which Mikasa, unfortunately, can't say that she does. Within the first few weeks of coming to the past, she realized that she'll have to play a lot by ear, especially as things develop and her foresight becomes less and less useful.
"Oh, I just realized, why would Reiner and Annie even think what you're afraid they'll think? Unless time travel's all the rage in four years, why would you be worried about them learning the truth from you killing Bertholdt? It's not exactly a reasonable conclusion..." Ymir speaks up again.
"I don't think they'll guess I'm from the future, unless they know something I don't. But just because they get the wrong idea doesn't mean we're safe. They might assume I'm not an Eldian, like you did when I told you the truth. They'll know something's wrong if I can prevent Trost's fall, that's what matters. I'm one of the only descendants of Hizuru on the island, too. I'm sure that doesn't help."
"Hizuru?"
"...It's an island nation in the far east." Mikasa gives a light pause before responding, assuming Ymir already knew of the place. She doesn't know the girl's full past, but she supposes it isn't surprising that Ymir doesn't know of the nations outside of Marley. It was probably never relevant to her.
"Huh..." she grunts, the sound one makes when they've learned an interesting new fact.
"It's not important. My point is that they're smart enough to realize something is wrong, and from there their best option is to go into hiding."
"And risk being hanged? I doubt it. If they do go into hiding, it'll be on the wrong side of the wall."
"You're right. They may even run back to Marley..." Mikasa trails off at the thought, genuinely considering the possibility of Reiner and Annie retreating. It would solve most of her problems, at least temporarily, but it would just serve as another excuse for them to invade Paradis in the near future.
But would they really do it? Their fourth member was eaten by Ymir, yet they continued their mission. Thinking about it now, she realizes that only Reiner could have been the one to keep pushing. Annie wouldn't have had the motivation, and Bertholdt wouldn't have had the will. Now that they'll be down to two, could Reiner even convince Annie to stick with the mission? And should she really bet everything on Reiner staying despite losing his closest comrade?
"... and that's too risky. You're right, we need to finish them at Trost. At the very least, we need to keep them from leaving the walls."
Ymir looks a bit pleased, either at the progress they've made or at Mikasa admitting that she's right, but she quickly looks back at the ground. "Alright, so plan A is you killing Bertholdt and stopping Trost from falling. In that case, killing Reiner and Annie will be a lot harder, but we also save a bunch of lives. In plan B, Bertholdt still dies, but he kicks down the gate and titans roam around Trost."
"We shouldn't have to worry about Reiner breaking down the inner wall, either. Bertholdt's death should discombobulate them," Mikasa chimes in.
"Makes sense. There, I'd be able to turn into a titan without it being a suicide mission, and they'd also have pure titans to worry about, so killing them will be easier. Plan C, you can't kill Bertholdt-"
"What?"
Ymir shrugs. "What if Bertholdt blows you away with steam right into a titan's mouth? You never know..."
She sighs. "If I die, then you have no reason to stick with my plan, so just do whatever you were going to do originally."
"Oi, Mikasa, I don't know what I was going to do. I don't know the future."
She stays silent at that yet again, mulling it over in exasperation. "If I can't kill Bertholdt, then we die. But I will kill him, so it doesn't matter."
"...Fine, whatever." She pulls her arms in front of her face, stretching them until pops are heard. "Holding that salute for so long really makes your arms hurt. I think we're having a celebration at the grand hall, so if it's possible for someone like you, I'd try to relax a little until it's time. Maybe confess your love to Eren while the night is still young, I don't know..."
Mikasa heightens her scowl in a vain attempt to stop her blush. You'd think after spending so much time knowing someone like Ymir, she'd get used to these kinds of teases. But no. Ymir turns to look at her, all sense of humor leaving her eye instantly, as if she never found any of it that funny to begin with. "Good luck, Mikasa. You'll need it."
The raven haired girl eyes her as Ymir leaves without a response, probably not expecting one, which is good, because Mikasa doesn't have one. And when she's out of sight, and all that surrounds Mikasa is the dead of night and flickering of fire, she closes her eyes and inhales.
That could have gone worse.
Mikasa rubs her arms with her hands. It's frustrating, planning with Ymir for actions she knows they will never take. Trost cannot fall, otherwise Eren will discover his titan powers and from there Mikasa will be practically powerless. Killing Bertholdt doesn't change that. She has to stop him before Trost falls, but after he poses a legitimate threat to the other soldiers, so she isn't tried for murder. However, telling Ymir any of this is a fruitless endeavor, so she has to plan for events that, if they were to come true, would see everything fall apart anyways.
Bearing responsibility and pressure when it comes to her physical abilities has never been a serious problem. When everything was riding on her landing the thunder spear square into Reiner's jaw, she did it without much of a problem. When Eren's life depended on her blowing up the nape of the Warhammer Titan, she did it easily. But this... this very well could be impossible. And even if it's not, the human race is at stake.
It's funny how she technically thought the same thing the first time this happened. The only difference is, humanity's a lot bigger than it seemed back then.
If only she could wear her scarf at the ceremony.
She's cold.
"I did it! I'm joining the Military Police!" The ecstatic voice of Connie surges throughout the grand hall as he clinks his cup with Sasha. She wears a similarly wide smile, no doubt because she knows exactly what it feels like to be in the top ten. Eren watches the scene from afar, technically in a conversation with Thomas, though one he's not paying a lot of attention to.
Personally, Eren can't say he cares too much about the ranks. Sure, it's nice to know that thanks to his determination he was able to rise to be the fifth best candidate in the Corps, but whether he did or not wouldn't have changed his end goal. He thinks about Armin, who stands to his left, a mug in his hand and two fingers massaging the side of his skull. The boy didn't get into the top ten, but he doesn't let it affect him at all. In fact, he has a smile on his face, and the words "I'm proud of you and Mikasa" echo through his mind.
Eren likes to think he'd act the same if he didn't get into the top ten. Whether he actually would, well... he guesses he'll never have to find out. He knows it's exactly the right mentality to have, though. These rankings, they don't mean a damn thing to Eren in the grand scheme of things. If anything, they irk him. Why would they only let the best of the best become the Military Police? That has to be the job that requires the least amount of work...
Though, thinking about Hannes and the Garrison Regiment, Eren supposes those guys didn't really have to do all that much either, at least until his home was taken away from him. He feels it in his indignant bones... Wall Rose won't last forever, and when it falls, only the Scouts can be relied on.
"We won't go hungry anymore!" Sasha lets out excitedly, gripping the smaller boy's shoulders and shaking them, catching Connie off guard. Eren sees Jean mutter something while sitting alone at a table, and he feels himself scoffing. Of course Jean of all people would find something to be mad about during a time like this. Graduating as soldiers, moving onto better things, ready to help people and change things for the better, and Jean's got a frown on his face.
It's anyone's guess, but Eren likes to think Jean's pissed at scoring lower than him. To be honest, besting Jean in the rankings is probably the biggest perk of being fifth place, as the tall boy landed in sixth. He'd never let him live it down, if it weren't for the fact that they're going their separate ways. Not that he'd ever, in a million years, say this out loud, but Eren thinks Jean would have been a good Scout.
"...anyways, I guess it's a pretty easy choice for me," Thomas says, taking a sip from his mug. Samuel nods absentmindedly next to him. "Garrison it is. What about you?" he asks Eren.
"Isn't it obvious?" Samuel cuts in with a knowing smirk. "You've been talking about joining the Scouts since you joined. Even though you got into the top ten, are you still gonna do it?"
Eren's about to answer, but a figure in the corner of his eye catches his attention. It's Mikasa. She's holding a mug in her steady hand with straight lips adorning her face. Really, she doesn't look all that happy to be here, but Eren certainly understands that. The only topic of conversation is "what branch are you going to go into?," but for both him and her, the answer was pretty obvious since the first day of training. He feels his features lighten up as he sees her, though, and a bit of relief washes over him. He's not sure why. It's not like this place is very unpleasant, it's just nice having her around.
When their eyes meet, she walks over to him, but before he can give so much as a "hello,"
"You seriously aren't joining the Military Police, Eren? You did all that work to make the top ten." Thomas' shocked voice puts him back into focus. Eren's frown returns as he thinks about his answer.
"I'd already decided when I began. I wasn't training to live in the interior. I was training to fight titans." "that's what we all should be training for," is what he keeps to himself. There's no sense in making a scene.
Apparently, however, Thomas begs to differ. He leans in closer, a mix of exasperation and desperation stuck on his face. "You'll never beat them!" he lets out at a louder volume. This makes much of the commotion around them stop, multiple sets of eyes landing on the two. Thomas looks around, clearly unnerved by the newfound audience.
"D-do you know how many tens of thousands have been eaten? We lost over twenty percent of our population, so we know for sure. Humans cannot defeat titans."
Eren lets his friend's statement hang in the air, and he sees many of his comrades with a defeated look on their faces. Connie and Sasha shift their eyes around the room, clearly not liking the uncomfortable turn things have taken. Mikasa looks distant, staring at nothing in particular, and Armin's looking at Eren, a smile plastered on his face, as if he knows too well how Eren's going to react to this. He bites back the annoyance the bubbles from his chest, annoyance at the idea that it's better to run and cower behind these fragile walls instead of fight.
"So?" he asks.
"If you think we can't win, you'll just give up?" he continues, forcing a contemplative look upon Thomas and Samuel's faces. "Well... it's true that humanity has only suffered defeat until now, but we didn't know anything about titans then. Fighting them head-on is pointless. We did lose," he finds his voice growing louder, reaching every corner of the mess hall. "but the information we gained gives us hope for next time! Should we abandon the tactics that cost tens of thousands of lives to develop, and let the titans eat us without a fight? Hell no!"
He feels his hand curl into a fist, an inner strength flowing through him. "I'm going to exterminate all of the titans, and escape these cramped walls! That is my dream... humanity isn't finished yet!" He feels tears poke the corners of his eyes and his face begin to turn red, so after a stunned silence from the rest of his fellow trainees, he doesn't stick around to see their reaction, letting out a tempered sigh and walking away. And, too quickly, it turns into a run.
"Wait, Eren!" he hears Armin call to him, along with two sets of extra footsteps.
"They all just want to wait and die?!" Eren fights the urge to punch the stone wall, knowing that he'll only break his fingers and make a fool of himself in the process. He can already see it now. Jean's sneering, Mikasa's concern, the others' confusion. It's like they don't even understand.
He'll always have Armin. And Mikasa, he supposes, though her passion towards killing all the titans is hard to pinpoint at best, and nonexistent at worst.
And he'll have the Scouts. The ones who risk their lives constantly to push forward for humanity. Their sword. It's his chance to fight back, a chance that few others seem to want.
There Eren sits. On the steps of the stony alleyway, gazing up at the moonless night. Though Mikasa only sees his backside, she can tell he's wiping his eyes, a light wetness coating the hairs of his arm as he pulls it away. Before her and Armin can fully make their approach, he's alerted by the sound of their footsteps, and as he turns around, his eyes seem so wide... so vulnerable, triggering the all too familiar impulse within her to shield him from the dangers of the world. And it's all because he cares so much about killing the titans. That unadulterated passion of his, even though she's had another three years to get used to it, still seems so surreal to her.
"Eren... are you okay?" she realizes Armin is the one who asks that. His voice is careful yet confident as he stands behind his best friend. Eren takes a second to respond, but when he does, he wears a smile.
"Yeah."
Mikasa goes to sit down next to Eren. "You shouldn't get carried away like that. It doesn't make you look good," she can't stop herself from parenting him, internally wincing when, instead of getting angry, Eren just gives her a look of exasperation and disappointment.
"Sorry..." she lets out. At least she caught herself this time.
Since their mountain expedition, their relationship has changed greatly, at least Mikasa thinks it has. She supposes she doesn't have the strongest frame of reference, but after that day, or more accurately night, it feels like Eren's been much more patient with her. For one, he doesn't really yell at her anymore. There will be times when he's upset, and he won't stop himself from letting most people know exactly why in the loudest way possible, but for Mikasa, it's just different. But it's a double edged sword.
She remembers one day in particular vividly. He had hurt his arm in an accident with the ODM gear, and Mikasa was deathly afraid that he had broken his arm. With his titan powers, it would have healed in less than a day, which would have raised plenty of suspicion. She worried about him all day, inundating him with questions and keeping him from training for some time. He went on and on about how injuries were inevitable as a soldier and how she'll have to accept that, completely unaware of the true reason she was so scared. Eventually, he snapped, but before the inevitable "I don't need you around!" or an equivalent, he clenched his jaw shut, got up out of where he was sitting, and left. She wanted to follow him like she always does, but something stopped her.
She's glad that he's taken a step back from his unbridled passion, but is scares her on some level as well. The ghost of the Eren she knew, the Eren that hurt her, still haunts her, radiating behind his shining eyes, threatening to dim them completely.
So, she apologized to him later that day. Because his silence was infinitely worse than the most rancid insult. He explained that he didn't say anything because he knows she's just worried about him, and he didn't want to hurt her feelings in his rage. The thought made her bloom in shades of shame and love and confusion. Shame at her nagging, at how it frustrated Eren but even still he didn't want to hurt her, love for... obvious reasons, and confusion, because... how could he hate her if he really means something like that?
Of course, the question has fixed a permanent space for itself in the back of her mind. Sometimes it's less noticeable, but the thought has ruined more than enough moments, moments where she wishes she could just feel safe in Eren's arms again.
She loves him... so much. She loves him so much it hurts, so much it makes her count the little dimples on his face when he frowns, the way his eyes flash a more passionate green when he's talking about something he actually cares about, his unique scent that still somehow smells like Carla, but at the same time all his own. And with Eren's change in attitude, she doesn't know what to think. It's given her a moment to take a step back and consider how she acts, how she treats him like a fragile figurine because her own psyche shatters like glass at the thought of her Eren changing into anything resembling his future self.
Giving Eren his own sense of independence once felt right, it once made sense. She came to understand how she acted towards him, and how it not only impeded the mission at times, like with the Female Titan, but how it made Eren feel. Now, though, her foresight makes it so much harder. Not knowing where she went wrong, she struggles to ascertain whether protecting him more would give the desired outcome, or less.
Less, obviously it's less, Mikasa thinks. That way he'd have no reason to hate her. But it's easier said than done, especially when she looks into his eyes and decides that she never wants that to go away. It's then when she's most likely to give into her impulses and wrap her arms tightly around him, dedicating her entire self to protecting him.
"But it's wrong. It doesn't do anyone any good, and you know that," Mikasa tells herself, sighing at the way his features soften after her apology.
"I don't know, Mikasa, I thought he made a good argument," Armin says as he takes a seat next to her, sandwiching Mikasa between her two favorite boys.
"Thanks, Armin," he responds.
"I think you might have even inspired some of your comrades, they seemed pretty shocked at what you said."
Eren sighs. "That's the stupid part. It shouldn't be shocking. We can't just accept our deaths like that." Armin nods in agreement. A comfortable silence settles between the three as they stare up at the night sky. Mikasa's sure Eren and Armin are thinking of what they would give to see all that the sky holds, all that the sky has seen. And she knows... she could tell them. It's funny, in a way.
"Eren, when you were talking about your dream..." Armin starts up again.
"Yeah, I got that from you. To live outside the walls, not inside."
Armin looks ahead of him, a look of resolution clear on his face. "I'm joining the Survey Corps."
Mikasa doesn't react, but Eren's eyes widen. "Are you serious, Armin? You got the best written test score, you should use that!" he says.
"I won't hold you back, even if it kills me."
Still processing the information, Eren looks like he's about to protest, so Mikasa lets it out now. "I'm joining the Survey Corps, too."
He only sighs. "Mikasa... you're valedictorian, you should join the Military Police."
"If you join the Military Police, then I'll do that. If you join the Garrison, I'll join, too. I'm not leaving you."
Eren lets silence hang in the air before answering, an emotion Mikasa can't quite pinpoint making itself clear in his eyes. "I know... I know. I just... dammit. You're my best friend. You too, Armin. I care about you guys, I don't want you to get hurt."
Mikasa lets her gaze drift down at her feet, as does Armin, flattered by the rare compliment from Eren. Of course, she knows that's what he wants, at least right now, but it's good to hear it from him. It's a reminder of what he is, of what Mikasa has known for most of her life.
"Well, it's a good thing Mikasa's joining, then. I think we'll be fine with her." Armin attempts to lighten the mood, chuckling at his own joke as he gives him a warm smile, she sees Eren start to form one as well, and before they know it, the three are smiling at each other.
"What do you think our first mission will be like?" the blonde asks excitedly.
"It'll probably be a while before we can reclaim Shiganshina, Armin. We won't exactly be outside the walls at first," Eren reminds him.
"Still! There are so many places we haven't seen before. I know titans will be in our way, but think of what we'll be able to see when they're gone!"
"When they're gone. You're right, we can do it, guys. We can free humanity from these walls."
"With the help of the Scouts, we can. Hey, Mikasa, do you think you'll get into Levi squad?" Armin asks.
Mikasa huffs lightly out of her nose. "No. I don't really like that shortie."
"Huh?!" Eren gapes at her.
"He's annoying."
"But you don't know him, Mikasa! Have you ever even seen him?"
"I've seen enough."
She bites back a smile at Eren's bemusement. "Make sure to keep that to yourself! He's probably the only one who could beat you up if you pissed him off."
"I'd like to see him try."
Armin is laughing wholeheartedly now. "I guess you two will have to get along. If you worked together, you'd be unstoppable!"
"Really, Mikasa. It's fine if you want to follow me," a slight blush forms on his face as he looks off into the distance, "I'm actually glad that we'll stay together. All of us. But don't prioritize me over the mission, which involves working with the captain, please?"
"Eren... you are my mission." "Okay. I promise," she hears herself say, feeling her scarf flow in between her fingers as she plays with it.
"It'll be okay. Once we eliminate the titans, we can go explore the outside world, just us three, right?"
Eren nods resolvedly. "Right, Armin. We'll do it."
All Mikasa can muster is a light nod of her head. The dread of the future drags her heart down to her stomach. It's hard to be excited. Even if she didn't know Trost has a very real chance of falling, leading to hundreds of deaths, she still knows what it's like to fight the titans. The despair, the fear, the oppressive danger... it humbles you in a way nothing else could. A part of her wants so desperately to keep them from having to face that at all, but she knows it's unavoidable.
They stare at the sky together. Two sets of eyes shine with hope, and one pulsates in the black void of certainty. But, ironically, it is their hope that keeps her going. No matter what, she won't lose her family. Armin and Eren, they're her whole world, and she won't let fate destroy the walls. She was sent back for a reason, and that reason is to save them. Mikasa dares to feel a trickle of hope settle within her as she wraps her hand around Eren's. He doesn't fight it, instead reciprocating with a similar intensity, as if to say "it's okay... you're okay."
Without thinking, she uses her other free hand, holding onto his and bringing it closer to her, curling inwardly ever so slightly around it. Holding on like it's her lifeline, holding on like it's the most precious thing in the world to her. She sees Armin look at her, a content but knowing smile on his face, and despite not fully knowing what it means, she blushes, not caring for his teasing.
All he has to do is look at her with a smile, and Mikasa feels embarrassed, as if she's revealing herself to Armin somehow. As if there was any doubt that he knew to begin with.
To make matters worse, Armin, the villain, speaks up. "Well, it's a big day tomorrow. I should try to sleep off this headache." He stands up, dusting off his pants and waving to his two best friends. Mikasa tries to hide the strong blush that's blooming on her face, now completely aware of his little scheme. Eren looks like he's about to pipe up, but his words disappear, as does the look on his face. He instead smiles. "Goodnight, Armin."
"Goodnight, you guys."
And it's the two of them. Mikasa thinks for a moment that he's going to get up and go, now that Armin's gone, but she mentally slaps herself for caring at all. This is hardly something she should be concerning herself with at the moment, so she dissociates, thinking about her mission, about the lives she might save. But Eren, damn him, he squeezes her hand again, ever so slightly pulling her towards him. And she, as if in no control of her own body, feels her entire self lean on his side, head laying on his shoulder. She tries so hard to stifle the intense blush that threatens to stretch from her nose to her ears. Which is annoying, because this isn't anything they haven't done before. When they were kids, they did this almost every day, but everything's fallen from there. Ever since the titans, ever since Aunt Carla's death, it's been different.
But somehow, she's leaning on his shoulder right now, breathing in his scent, taking in his warmth. Never in a million years did she think she'd get to do that again, and she's doing it. She's done it many times in the past three years. How? What has she done differently this time? Is it because she's been more honest about how she feels...?
If it is... should she tell him? What her heart yearns to say, what she wishes could just be obvious enough from her actions, what she never had the confidence to tell him, not even when he asked directly, twice?
…And would he feel the same?
He's basically holding her right now. Despite her usual stoicism, it makes her insides melt into a thousand butterflies like she's a little girl. But does he even realize how intimate he's being? Is he even being that intimate? Two questions Mikasa can't believe she's bothering to ask herself right now. He's always been on the dense side when it comes to feelings, it's probably all on accident. Probably... yeah. But the thought that it isn't, the mere possibility alone makes her want to squeal.
It would be nice if he loved her like she loved him.
"I don't know why you're so nervous, Mikasa. We're gonna be okay. It's scary that we're joining the Scouts, yeah, but we'll keep each other safe right?" he whispers to her.
It's not even close to why she's nervous, but she feels herself getting lost in the moment, asking him, "Why aren't you nervous? You could die. Me and Armin could die, too. We've seen what the titans can do."
Eren gives a long, full sigh before responding. "I am nervous, especially for you and Armin, but... I don't know. When I think about freedom, strength flows through me."
Mikasa feels her chest waver. She could have sworn he's said that before. "Of course he's said that. It's only something Eren would say," she reasons with herself, but she can't help but shake an uncomfortable sense of Deja vu.
But it's funny, in a way. Mikasa thinks that maybe her Ackerman powers aren't so strange. Maybe everyone's like this, maybe everyone has something to fight for, something that gives them strength, courage, and resolution. And she thinks "what gives me the will to fight? what makes strength flow through me?"
Eren gives her a nudge. "It's late, Mikasa. We should get some sleep." He slowly eases her off of him, standing up and stretching his tired muscles. He offers a hand to her, which she quickly takes. Both in a tired state, not really thinking, Eren does the first thing that seems to come to his mind. He simply begins to walk, hand still intertwined with hers so he can tug her along, and she lets him. Her eyes shine with adoration and love, not that he sees any of it from his position in front of her.
"What makes strength flow through me?"
…
Isn't it obvious?
"They're here! The main force of the Survey Corps!"
And the Scouts are leaving. They're leaving on a day like this...
Mikasa has thought about warning them, really. She knows what will happen, and thinking about all of the lives they could save if more capable soldiers were able to defend Trost did seem like a great benefit when she first came back, but she only considered that as a course of action for about a day. There were too many problems. What would she say? The Survey Corps plans these expeditions for weeks, they won't heed the concerns of a green trainee spouting outrageous claims such as, "Titans are going to attack today!"
If they did, they'd require some kind of proof, which would involve Mikasa telling them what happens at Trost and the fact that she's traveled back in time. It's possible she wouldn't have to tell them of Eren's future path in the process, just like she did with Ymir. But fooling Ymir is one thing, while fooling Erwin Smith is not something she's sure is possible. It became clear very quickly that simply warning them of the events to come wouldn't do any good. She can't trust Eren's fate with the Scouts if they know what he'll become.
That isn't even to mention how part of the reason Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie chose today to attack was precisely because the Scouts wouldn't be here.
Still... it's such an intuitive solution, it makes her shake internally with frustration at the fact that things are too damn complicated for there to be any easy solutions. Even now, preventing Trost, it's probably the worst plan in the world. If Armin heard it, he'd immediately brush it off and come up with a better one, she's sure of that. All it does is postpone a Marleyan invasion. It might even incur one, as they'll surely be anxious to get their titans back, having no way of knowing their warriors have been killed. Reiner and Annie could react in a million different ways when Trost doesn't fall, too. They could go further inside the walls and hide or leave them entirely, both of which offer extremely challenging situations, though the former is obviously preferable.
She plans to kill them at Trost, but unlike the simplicity of killing the Colossal Titan, there are far too many unknowns. A small part of her is even afraid she'll be unable to do it, just like the last time she got the jump on Reiner and Bertholdt in the previous timeline.
Now isn't the time to be thinking about all of the holes in her plan, though. Ymir has made them obvious to her on many occasions anyways. But she can't help it, the anticipation of what's to come getting the better of her. Thanks to what she can only assume is her Ackerman powers and her ardent determination, the stresses haven't resulted in any physical issues, like trembling hands or an intense heartbeat. So, ultimately, she should at least be glad for that. But the mental torment is excruciating at this very moment, where years remaining grew into days remaining, which have grown into hours remaining now. And small reminders, like the sight of Erwin, of what she could have done to make this moment easier, even if it would have made things harder down the road, aren't making her feel any better.
"Commander Erwin, kill the Titans for us!" The commander remains unaffected by the crowds' chants.
"Look, it's Captain Levi!" someone shouts from in front of her. She sees Eren and Armin move their heads to see him.
The midget sits on his horse, looking apathetically at the crowd around him. "They say he's as strong as an entire brigade." A man mutters. Somehow, Mikasa finds herself having to force back a smile when she sees him mumble something. Though it's impossible to hear due to the commotion, she's almost sure he's telling them to "shut up," or something to that effect.
A part of her misses the old man.
She supposes she'll get to see him again soon, assuming Eren really does join the Survey Corps and nothing goes wrong...
A thought crosses her mind, one that, surprisingly enough, she hasn't thought about before. If she can't kill Reiner and Annie at Trost, where will she go? Presuming that they realize the danger they're in or somehow survive Mikasa and Ymir's assassination attempt, can she even join the Survey Corps? That would take her in the opposite direction of them. She can't rely on Ymir to do it for her, either. Not only would she surely not be willing to do it, she can't even become a member of the Military Police because she wasn't in the top ten. That could b-
Eren lays an arm on her shoulder. "This is totally different compared to five years ago... There are so many people who have high hopes for the Survey Corps!" his voice beams with pride. And if anything could shake her out of her thoughts, it's him.
"Everyone's cheered up." Hannah pipes up from behind them. "There haven't been any problems for five years."
"And they've improved the fixed cannons. Maybe the big titans won't even come again," Franz says.
"Right!"
Mikasa sighs mentally as Eren stands up straighter than before. "You can't seriously believe that, you stupid lovebirds!"
"You think we're a couple?" a blush forms on Hannah's face as she turns around to hide her shyness. "You're getting ahead of yourself, Eren!" Franz adds. Eren's shoulders shake in annoyance as Armin stands beside him smiling.
"Hey, you guys!" a familiarly gruff voice fills their ears, a voice Mikasa hasn't heard since...
Hannes.
Hannes walks up to the three, a light smile on his face as Eren shouts his name in surprise. Mikasa finds her heart stopping in her chest, and a wave of nostalgia and panic exhumes from within her.
"I heard you graduated yesterday"
It's Hannes.
"Hard to believe you're still the little kids I remember."
The sight of his entrails hanging from his torso, the lower half consumed by the same titan that devoured Aunt Carla, rattles her sinking skull...
"What about you?" Eren asks brightly.
"Was he here last time? I don't remember him being here..."
"You've gone from a drunk to a captain of the combat engineers."
A shiver runs through her entire form, her mind lost in a dreadful reminiscence.
He bumps Eren on the head. "Listen to you..."
He just hit him on the head... The Eren that told her he always hated her, the one that killed innocent children, that commanded so much reverence and fear... Hannes just smacked him on the head!
What would he have thought... seeing those good old days crumble and die with no hope of returning after his death. Would he have cried? Would he have fought with her and Armin? Would he have fought with the Jaegerists?
All of the uncertain worrying in the world didn't affect her resolve, but seeing Hannes makes her insides fold in on themselves, and she knows she feels unnaturally similar to how she did a year ago, on that snowy night...
Breathe
His expression grows somber. "I'm still sorry I wasn't able to save your mother."
"It wasn't your fault, Hannes. We aren't ignorant anymore. I'll never let anything like that happen again. We will defeat the titans."
He lets out a light sound of shock, looking at the three of them once more. "Be safe out there at least, will ya?"
Eren and Armin nod resolutely.
"I'll see you later, Eren, Armin, Mika-... Mikasa?"
Silence.
"Mikasa?" Eren asks as he pushes her on the shoulder, bringing her out of her stupor. Her eyes are big and doe eyed, the kind you'd see from a scared child, and only after a third "Mikasa" from Eren does she realize that she's gripping onto his arm with an intense strength.
"What?"
"You okay, kid? You look like you saw a ghost."
Breathe
"I'm okay. It's good to see you, Hannes," she manages.
He gives her a look like he's not really buying whatever she's saying, but for some reason, due to the less than ideal situation, or possibly because he figured she's just lost in thought, he doesn't press it.
"Right. Anyways, I'll see you all later." She's pretty sure that's what he said, but before she can recognize much else, he's already leaving, and Armin's putting a hand on her shoulder.
"Are you sure you're okay? You look pale."
Eren's eyes widen with an elemental fear. She knows he's about to figure it out, that she's panicking.
"Yes. I need some time alone. E-Eren," she shuts her eyes and winces hard at the trembling of her voice, not daring to look at how it affects him. "I know you're stationed at the outer wall today, but can you do something for me?" she pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket.
"Uh... y-yeah! Mikasa, do... do you need to lie down somewhere-?" he offers, the realization of what's happening dawning on his face. She didn't plan on getting scared like this, but if it makes Eren more willing to do what she asks, then maybe it's a blessing in disguise.
"No, Eren, I'm fine. But can you take this to Ymir? I needed to pass along a message to her."
That's not, strictly speaking, true. This was part of her plan the entire time, to have him deliver a message to Ymir while she goes to the front of the wall to await Bertholdt. Her original excuse was that her instructor stationed her elsewhere, but now that she's genuinely losing herself in the fear of the future, the tiny part of her brain that's still acting rationally realizes that this is a far more believable excuse.
Hesitantly, he grabs the paper from her hand. Even though it's vacant from her now, she leaves it dangling in the air. A slight tremble, one so hidden that you couldn't tell that it's there unless you knew how steady Mikasa usually is, shows on her hand. Eren grabs it. To stop the shaking, of course.
His eyebrows arch slightly upwards and he opens his mouth, eyes pouring out concern, but he closes it before any words are said, and he looks at the hand he has enclosed around hers. He sighs, letting go and looking back up at her. "I'll meet you at the wall as fast as I can!"
"Go slowly. Please. I can't risk you getting hurt at the walls..." is what she thinks. "Okay," is what she says.
And he's running as fast as he can.
It's a windy afternoon. The clouds in the air swirl around each other, hinting at the beginnings of rain that might befall them later. Mikasa's stomach churns at the hopeful atmosphere that surrounds them. The clanging of metal as Samuel and Connie clean the cannons mounted on the side rings in her ears, just barely. Primarily, the sound of her own heartbeat, raging against this unassuming, gleeful day, is thick in her ears. She can almost feel it in her ears.
Ba-dump
Ba-dump
"No, Connie! You're cleaning that wrong!" Samuel barks at the crouching boy beside him.
"Whatever!" he yells in frustration. "I'm not gonna join the Garrison anyways, I don't need to know how to do this."
"Ugh, we get it, baldie. You're joining the Military Police. But at least for today, we got to maintain the walls."
Ba-dump
"Actually... I was, uh, kinda thinking about joining the Scouts."
"Huh?!"
Mina laughs, a few cannons away from them. "I guess Eren's speech had an effect on you!"
Ba-dump
"Shut up! It was my own decision!"
Ba-dump
"Mikasa, don't go telling Eren about that, either!" the short boy calls out to her.
"No need to feel embarrassed. It isn't just you," the blonde says as he scratches his cheek abashedly.
"You too, Thomas?" Mina lets out.
"Mikasa?" a dreadfully familiar voice hits her, one that makes her heart stop in a completely different way.
"Eren..." her eyes widen as she looks to him. Him and Sasha are walking together towards their area, the girl holding a protruding part of her jacket and darting her eyes around suspiciously. Mikasa trots over, and with it she can feel her entire body. Everything, down to her toes, she has complete control over at this moment, an empowering strength flowing through every muscle.
She grabs his hands. "What are you doing here?" she says in a bit of a louder tone than she intended. Eren responds with an confused frown, yanking his hand away.
"What? I returned the letter to Ymir, just like you asked. I'm back now."
Mikasa has no real way of responding to that, the current situation washing back over her, and a renewed spurt of energy and trepidation coming with it.
Ba-dump
"Hey, Mikasa! What are you doing here?" Sasha asks in her bubbly tone of voice.
"Oh, she's covering for me so I could return this let-" Eren's explanation is interrupted by Mikasa quickly turning around and walking back to where Connie, Thomas, Sam, and Mina are.
"Uh, Mikasa, the instructor wants you that way." He shoves his thumb behind his shoulder, which Mikasa promptly ignores.
"Hey, um, everyone." Sasha approaches the group as well. "I brought meat from the officers' storehouse." Her face hints at a poorly concealed excitement.
Ba-dump
"Sasha! Do you want to end up in jail?" One of them asks, though Mikasa isn't paying particular attention anymore.
"Eren could get hurt if I mess this up, but it can't be helped now. Bertholdt should come any second now."
"You really are an idiot!" another says.
"Idiots are scary..."
"Let's all split it..." her face blooms in gluttonous pleasure and enthusiasm. "We can slice it and make sandwiches!" She even shivers.
"Go put it back!"
"Yeah... After all the land we lost, meat is really valuable."
Mikasa puts a hand on her hilt that's strapped to her torso, unhooking it and letting it hover near her compartment of blades. She doesn't fully unsheathe, so as to not confuse her comrades.
"It's fine. Once we retake the land, we can raise more cows and sheep again," she assures them as she puts the meat in their food compartment.
"I'll have some of the meat, too!" Samuel lets out after a moment of hesitation.
"M-Me, too! Get it ready!"
"I also will, of course!"
Ba-dump
"Don't just stand there, Mikasa. You should at least be helping us if you want to stay here, or they'll find out."
Mikasa blinks. Eren turns around, looking at the wide city below them.
She blinks again. She puts her hilt closer to her blades. The pieces are practically touching.
Eren sighs.
And then...
...
...
"Oi, when is lunchtime anyways? We woke up so early it feels like noon has past already."
Ba...dump
"So can we eat it now?!"
"Noon has past already, Connie, but lunchtime still isn't for a little bit. If you were listening to the instructions you'd know that."
"Mikasa...?" Eren's voice comes out from behind her. "Why do you have your blades like that?"
Ba. dump.
...
Where is he?
Ackerman strength still flows through her. The clouds still shift in the air. Her comrades still move to and fro. But nothing is happening.
And Eren's voice calls to her.
Mikasa...
She dares to look back at him, his eyes shining, with the brightness of the day.
Until they're shining with yellow. A stark yellow. And she hears it, the boom. She turns around. It's still not there.
Something in the distance, something far away. It's a titan, just a regular...
No. It's coated in armor.
...
0-0
Cliffhanger aaah I know. After waiting a month for this I'm sure this is the last thing you want to see but I PROMISE next week will feature chapter 10. Trust me, the outline for the upcoming chapter is already completely finished, it's just a matter of filling in the gaps, so I hope you can bear with me. Feel free to roast me if I can't get the chapter in next Sunday.
But more importantly, please tell me what you all thought! Given my long break, I feel like I was pretty rusty, and there were some moments that seemed out of character, and I felt like the pacing was kind of slow, but I also tend to be overly critical of my work, so I would love to know your honest thoughts. Once again, I'm dearly sorry for taking a month to get this out. I could have written this in a week if it wasn't for those leaks making it so difficult. But I'm back in the swing of things, so even if your trust in my ability to be consistent has taken a hit (which is understandable), please count on me to get in the next chapter. As always, thank you for reading! -Y