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Chapter 15: "...What was it she did to break your heart…"
Asuka tossed in bed.
The pilot of EVA Unit-02 couldn't sleep, it wasn't like this was abnormal, but this time there was something else on her mind.
She looked over at her clock, 11:02. When they got back, she was tired and had gone straight to her room, but she couldn't sleep. She hadn't feel like doing much of anything really.
The Second Child had heard that knock and she felt the faintest longing to answer, to open the door and talk, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.
Then, going out for dinner, she had seen him there, working away, like nothing had happened that day. Even with those bandaged hands he worked on his homework like it was nothing.
Asuka decided that maybe… just this once… she'd ask for something.
So, she got her homework, even as she saw him starting to put away his own. The girl thought she missed her moment, that Shinji wouldn't want to help her with her kanji.
But the boy had just smiled, and as he brought out the food, he helped guide her through the writings over dinner.
He hadn't berated her, he hadn't laughed at her lack of skill, he hadn't pushed her to be better.
No.
He had just helped her, guided her with the grace of a world class teacher and ask for nothing in return.
And that bothered her.
Now she was just lying there, tossing, and turning trying to at least sleep, to run away from these feelings into her unpleasant dreams.
Rolling onto her back, she peered up at the sky out her window, the blinking of a single lone plane the only movement she could see.
"I've never… not been alone, it's all I know… so why do I feel like this?" she whispered to herself in the darkness.
She got up, her feet making no noise as she crept through the house, her destination known.
What was she doing?!
There she was standing in front of his door.
A knock? No, if he was asleep it wouldn't matter.
Asuka just opened it, there he was, on his side facing away from her.
Why was his room so messy? For a boy who did nothing but clean the apartment, she couldn't understand why his own room would look like this, it was worse than her own.
Sliding the door shut behind her, it was quiet, the only sound being his light breathing.
Then she laid down.
Her back barely touched his, but the instant she laid down she knew he wasn't asleep by the sharp intake of his breath.
"Just turn back around," she whispered, no begged, he didn't move "will you just let me lie here for a while?"
Gott she was pathetic.
Begging the boy to stay facing away from her. Isn't that why she came here, what was it she wanted?
To not be alone?
Then why did she want him to keep facing away?
For a moment nothing happened, then Asuka froze.
That boy, that idiot turned over, she could hear the ruffle of sheets as he brought himself to his other side.
A weight found itself on her side, then lazily around her waist and over on her stomach. Shinji's bandaged hand rested on her; he wasn't pressed up against her back. No, he was still away from her, but the hand… why?
Was he trying to cop a feel? Could she have been wrong and he really was just like every other boy?
No, the hand just rested over her, his wrist on her waist and dangled down lightly touching her stomach, it was a message.
"Asuka?"
The girl made herself make a vomiting noise, maybe that would drive him away.
She was pathetic.
"You know you should really refer to me as Captain." She said in a hushed voice.
She could practically see him smile at her jab.
"I guess you can call me Asuka though, only if I get to call you stupid Shinji…"
"Why do you pilot the EVA?"
"Stupid question, I clearly picked the right name for you." She spat, but she still wouldn't remove his hand.
"I pilot the EVA because I want to."
"hmm"
"What about you, why do you do it?"
His breathing stopped, she waited for the answer, but the silence… it was deafening.
"I don't really know."
Of anything he could have said, that answer annoyed her.
"Don't be an idiot, you just don't want to admit the reason to yourself." she growled.
"I guess you're right…" he said, confusing her.
"I used to pilot… for a different reason, now… it's like it's the only place that…"
"feels right…" she said, thinking that she was completing his answer.
"Yes…"
"and no…"
"Of course it feels right idiot, everyone loves what they're good at." She said with a flare, the German couldn't help but question if that was for herself or for him.
"I don't…"
He was silent, but his bandaged hand on her stomach seemed tense, as if it were now making sure to keep her from bolting away.
She almost liked that.
"You're beating yourself up over today." He said to her in a hushed voice, little more than a whisper, but it was a statement, not a question.
"Yes." She breathed out.
A pain, a dull pain in her chest.
But a weight off her shoulders.
"You don't rely on anyone." He whispered right behind her.
Her heart rate quickened, with a warmth growing in her chest.
Another statement of fact.
"Yes." Another breath.
"I tried that," he said, it almost sounded like a confession to a priest, one of shame "I tried to be alone once…"
She couldn't help herself, she had to hear.
"What happened?" was that a bit of desperation in her voice?
Asuka heard him take a breath and hold it.
For a few seconds he said nothing, was he trying to remember, was he trying to come up with a lie for her?
Then he said something she hadn't expected.
"The nightmares weren't worth it." He said quietly.
She rolled over faster than she cared to admit, his arm still on her side, now reaching behind her to her lower back.
Now they were inches apart, face to face, in the darkness she couldn't see his face well, even though her eyes had adjusted to the lack of light.
But he was there.
"Do they go away, the nightmares?" she asked, no pleaded, like he had some power over her dreams.
She wanted to hear the answer so badly that the thought hadn't even occurred to her that she herself was admitting to having that exact problem.
He said nothing, he just looked at her for a moment, like he was trying to see something.
"You're not alone Asuka." He whispered, they were inches apart, their hot breath poring over each other like a lazy summer breeze.
She noted the minty smell… he brushed his teeth well.
"I need to be." She said desperately trying to convince him or was it herself?
"I know you're not because you have me." He said, no offered.
He was reaching out to her, this was him offering something more than just a passing acquaintance to her, that's what this was.
Her heart skipped a beat, suddenly it felt like her chest was going to explode.
Isn't that what she wanted, that's why she came here!?
"I know..."
"What do you know!?." She snapped at him, what did he understand, what right did he have saying that just so he could use her like any other boy would?
Half of her had wanted him to finish that sentence, the other half had recoiled in fear, not even daring to let him make a connection. That part of her had been so dominant for so long that it was only instinctual at this point.
That part of her whispered in her mind that this was all an act to get to her, to destroy her, and she was falling right into his trap.
She broke free of his arm, not that he was actually trying to keep her there, and got up.
The Second Child didn't need his fake understanding, she had gotten this far on her own.
She didn't need him.
Part of Asuka's mind knew all she was doing was running away, and she hated herself for it.
He said nothing as she got up, but she could feel his eyes on the back of her head.
Practically ripping the door open, she left his room, going straight across the hall and into her own.
.
.
.
The boy felt empty, maybe… maybe he had tried too hard this time.
Behind him he heard the booming laughter of another redhead.
"Congrats Baka, I take it back, the girl's pretty smart if she just did that!"
"Looks like you'll make it through this one alive!" Soryu shouted at the other redhead, despite the knowledge that she'd never be heard.
Getting up and closing the door after her, Shinji turned to look at the mess that was his room.
Closing his eyes, he just stood there, leaning slightly against the door.
Memories of a rejected world forced their way into his mind.
A kitchen that wasn't real, scolding coffee running down his arm.
Help me!
Don't leave me alone!
Don't abandon me!
No!
He didn't deserve that… he didn't deserve anything from anyone.
Especially her.
Opening his eyes, he walked to the dresser in the corner, opening the top drawer he shifted through clothes until he got to the back only to see Misato's scratched and stained pendent and a dusty SDAT player.
She was still laughing, but it wasn't right in his ears, it was disingenuous, almost how a fake laugh would sound.
"Thought you could just wrap her in your arms, and everything would be ok dummkopf? Oh that was great!"
Picking it up the player, he felt nothing as he untangled the wires and put the buds in his ears with shaking hands.
Only one thing could really drown her out.
How long had it been since he'd last listened to this thing?
His bandaged finger trembled as it hovered over the play button, part of him was screaming to rip off the earbuds, throw the thing back in the drawer and lay back down.
This was ok, he was ok.
If he did this, he knew what it meant, he knew exactly where this road led.
And he didn't know if he would be able to turn around again.
*Click*
ʡʘʘʢ
That battlefield was hazy, smoke rose off the smoldering remains of any organic life here, the detonation of a few dozen N2 mines tended to do that.
The JSDF always did love blowing NERV wide open.
But them?
How could he ever think it would be them…
Shinji leaned down to pick up his weapon.
The blue head of EVA Unit-00 stuck to its end, flicking the axe, the gore and LCL spray of its internal fluids shot out in a trail as it crashed into the ground.
In the haze he saw movement, the slightest outline of another figure.
Gripping the axe handle tighter, he could now tell the EVA was charred, but it wasn't out of commission, its paint had been blasted away by the N2 explosion, leaving only black and grey.
It saw him, and it charged.
He readied himself, bracing for the impact, but it was no use, he was thrown back into the wall of the GeoFront, his axe torn from his grip.
He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts.
"Stay. Down." He heard her growl.
Looking up at Unit-02, he couldn't fight her; he wouldn't hurt her.
"Asuka, I understand, I understand you want this, more than you know!"
"What do you know!?" she barked as her EVA ran towards Unit-01.
"He said I could see mama again, that's all that matters!" she yelled as Unit-02s fists impacted with his own EVA.
Grabbing Unit-01 around the neck, she twisted and threw him towards the center of the GeoFront, charred earth flying everywhere as he skipped across the ground.
"Asuka, he's lying, it's not what you think it is, trust me." He was begging, what was he supposed to do? He couldn't fight her, not after what he had done to her.
"ShutupShutupShutup!" She screamed as she brought out her progressive knife, moving towards him.
"I won't fight you Asuka, I made you a promise." He pleaded, pushing himself up to one knee.
"Don't you remember?"
"Fine…." She growled, stopping in her tracks as a shadow passed over the two of them "you won't have to."
Shinji's heart fell at the realization, looking up he stared at the six figures swirling above him. All six of the production Evangelions circled in the sky like vultures drawn to a carcass.
It was as if a bolt of lightning struck him, he couldn't even react as his gut was pierced by one of their dark spears.
So, this was what it felt like…
This is what she felt…
He looked down at the gaping hole in his stomach, blood pumping out into the LCL, a red cloud pouring out of him, beginning to encompass his body inside the entry plug.
His specter just came around in front of him and peered at the hole in his chest. That blue eye showing a sense of understanding.
Perhaps there was a bit of humanity to her after all.
Grabbing the spear with the left arm of his EVA to steady himself, the Third Children looked back up to Unit-02.
How had it come to this?
How could she be in this much pain to want this?
Reaching out his arm to Unit-02, the blood loss and pain was starting to cloud his mind.
I'll save you.
Two
I'll save you.
Three
I'll save...
Four
I'll…
"Asuka," he breathed as another spear went through him, he couldn't even bring himself to scream, he earned this.
"please be happy." he managed to whisper to her, as the last spear flew down from the heavens, finally turning his world to black.
Oh you thought we were going to be happy? Have a nice scene between our two favorite characters? Ha! This Evangelion, we're talking about. Seriously there are some chapters that I want to just get out right when I think of them, this was one. So you all get a double header this weekend. It just kinda popped into my head, 'What if Asuka wanted to see her Mother so badly that she assisted in Instrumentality or at least was working with SEELE because of it?'.
Shoutouts
Big Fan of Story- Thanks, I hope you enjoyed the chapter.
Ultraspinkofdausa- We're all cursed with knowledge that's one of the great things about time travel stories. Destiny still arrives, or should I say the Author does. The hardest writing choices require the strongest wills, after all who wants to see Shinji suffer more…
RandomFanFicFan- Made sense to me, Gendo is just manipulating Shinji there, and the boy can see though the bullshit (mostly). Thanks for the compliment, I feel like everyone already knows what things look like, they should have seen the canon material, plus the story just gets bogged down with it, no one wants to read a wall of text, not that it cant be a good wall of text.
James Birdsong- Thanks a lot, hopefully you enjoy the rest.
I think I need to clear up what '2-3 chapters' a week means; I've already written the story up to a specific point. All I'm doing is proofing it and adding/rearranging certain things that I want, or editing it for changes that I've made. So, I'm not writing a full chapter every time I've upload. When I hit the end of that stretch I've written up to, I'll take a break just to write the next bit and do the same thing over again. That being said I do have a bit of work on my hands with the next 5-6 chapters so it might be a few days until the next chapter.
Until Next Time.