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Chapter 20: "…But that girl hasn't met me.…"
Shinji just laid there on his side again, the old SDAT player sitting there beside him, but he didn't want to listen to it.
"Oh, you don't need to drown me out anymore?" she was just curled up in the corner, staring at him.
No that wasn't it. He felt good after playing music with Shikinami, he had felt better.
Staring at the old player, the Third Children knew nothing good would come of going back to his old habits, but that didn't mean he wasn't tempted by the simplicity of drowning everything out.
Including her.
It was a struggle between that feeling of a fake peace and his knowledge that he deserved her torment, he deserved everything she said to him… she was many things, but a liar wasn't one of them.
At least not anymore, she didn't need to hurt him with false words when she had so many examples of his own failures to remind him of.
All he was left with was his own thoughts, at least until his door slid open.
The weight on the other side of the bed told him all he needed to know.
"Will you just let me lie here for a while, please?" she whispered, once again.
He rolled over, perhaps it was foolish, a stupid act that he had already tried, but he rested is arm across her just as he had last time.
The redhead tensed just like before.
But he said nothing, perhaps he didn't need to, this time she asked the question.
"You said you piloted the EVAs for a different reason before…"
"Yeah…"
"What was it?"
He paused, it had been so long, the memory was like a fuzzy TV signal "I think it was so my father would notice me, accept me, want to be part of my life…"
"but that was a long time ago."
"Why do you pilot the EVA?" he asked her.
"I already told you."
"No, you didn't…"
"You told me what you tell yourself." He said simply. "that you do it for yourself…"
She stopped breathing.
"Don't you see that there's more to life than the EVAs?"
"The EVAs are a dead end Asuka." He said simply "trust me I know… you won't find purpose or happiness in them."
"You're lying" she hissed. "You do."
"No."
Shinji closed his eyes "I don't find happiness in them… I do it because I have to, because if I don't…"
He stopped; he should choose his words carefully.
"If I could walk away I would."
"Then do it" she growled, "walk away!"
"I can't."
"Why not?!"
.
.
.
"Have you ever heard the Greek myth of humans being created?" Shinji asked her quietly.
"Answer the question" she growled.
He smiled but continued anyways "The Greeks believed that humans once had two heads, four arms, and four legs."
"Zeus, feared their power… so he had them split into two halves."
"And for the rest of their lives they search for that other half they'd been separated from."
"Some people keep looking their whole lives, going out every day looking for that other half, or something close to it, despite the hurt. Some people give up, wanting a life without that pain, but nothing can take its place."
.
.
.
"What do you know about pain?" she asked venom dripping from every word.
"Everything…" he breathed
"No, you don't." she growled turning over to face him, his arm still on her waist with his hand on the small of her back.
He could barely see her face in the darkness, the small amount of moonlight showed him enough though.
She was struggling to find the strength to tell him something. To tell him her story, what had happened to her that had hurt her so much.
He wanted more than anything to just pull her into an embrace, to tell her that she wasn't alone, to tell her he would do everything he could for her to try to take away her pain.
It hurt him that he couldn't do that, he knew if he reached out too much she would just retreat further. Now was the time to see if she would open up.
"I guess you know that the Second Impact didn't crush Germany like a lot of other countries, but even we had to face things."
"The first things I remember are keeping other kids from eating my food, everyone in the orphanage got some, but not enough, the government had bigger problems than giving support to the foster system."
"I was there till I was 4 or 5 and then NERV came looking for candidates, they chose me."
"All I've ever known is the EVA's, there's nothing for me back in Germany. No parents waiting for me, no family, all I've ever known was being hooked up to sensors and combat training, that's it."
He rubbed the small of her back as she spoke, his right hand holding his head up.
"Do you know what it's like trying to be the protector of the world, but never live in it?"
Yes
"I only pilot because it feels right, it makes me feel complete."
"Do you have that one thing, that makes you complete Shinji?"
He just listened to her, letting her tell him about herself, this was probably the first time she had anyone to talk to, or at least wanted to talk to.
I'm looking at her.
"I do."
She just looked at him, waiting for him to tell her what it was, but he couldn't. He wouldn't tell her it was the redhead staring at him.
"Do you ever wonder why?" he asked her, already knowing the answer, but he wanted her to say it, he wanted her to admit it.
"I… I do…"
Then… those eyes seemed to catch fire, her face contorting in rage.
"Why did they leave me there, what didn't they want from me, what did they see in my that they didn't want?" she said through gritted teeth.
He pulled her closer, wishing he could take that from her, all that pain and anger.
"It's not your fault." He whispered to her
A dry sob escaped her lips
"It's not your fault." He said again a bit more forcefully.
"I know idiot…"
He just stared at her, not letting his gaze move from her blue eyes.
"Are you sure?"
She said nothing, instead she just pulled herself closer to him, slowly wrapping her arms around him and pulling him closer.
The Third Children wasn't expecting that, but he wasn't going to push her away either.
For a few moments they just laid there, close together, enjoying each other's warmth, Shinji didn't want to break the silence, but he knew she had showed him a piece of herself and he was going to have to do the same.
"What do you know of that?" she finally whispered.
.
.
.
"My mother…" he started. He wished he could tell her his story, he wished he could tell her how he had tried to hard to fix everything, how he had tried to save her so many times.
But that wouldn't be fair to her.
"I had to watch her dissolve into Unit-01's core."
"And every time I climb in the Entry plug, I'm afraid that I'll never…"
"Come back out?" she asked, her voice clearly drowsy.
"That I won't want to." He confessed quietly.
She said nothing, even though he waited patiently for a witty remark.
"I don't want to pilot the EVA, I do it because I need to."
"Because if I didn't…"
This nightmare can't end.
"Who would fight the Angels with you?"
Asuka said nothing, the only sound from her being her light breathing.
"Asuka?" he whispered, wondering if the redhead was listening.
Looking down he could see her eyes were closed, how had she dozed off in the middle of that conversation?
He looked over to his clock, perhaps the fact it was nearly two in the morning had something to do with it, but he wasn't going to wake her.
Perhaps it was better that she didn't hear him.
ʡʘʘʢ
He had come so far.
"Listen to me Shinji."
Only to have this happen.
Gendo stood there, in front of Unit-01. Shinji had come to him, dragging the corpse of Unit-00.
Rei had done everything Gendo had asked, even betraying him, even fighting him to keep him from rescuing Asuka.
The pilot of Unit-02 was currently in cuffs, a rather robust set that kept her from moving much.
Shinji was sure that she'd be kicking and biting the commander of NERV by now if they hadn't put her in such things.
Of course, it could also be the collar around her neck, and the fact that Gendo was currently holding the detonator in his hand.
Another thing he could thank Ritsuko for, just another thing to add to the list really.
One day he'd…
"This isn't the only detonator, but if you don't exit Unit-01 in under 60 seconds, I will make sure the other ones won't be used."
If he did what the man said Shinji was sure he'd be killed, that gun in his hand made that a very real outcome.
If he didn't… he knew Gendo would do it, there wasn't anything he wasn't willing to do.
Shinji could advert the Third Impact, right here, he could stop this, hopefully, if there was a stopping this…
But he'd have to watch her die… again.
That… he wasn't willing to do.
She was the only one, the only thing he wasn't willing to let go of.
He wouldn't fail her again; he couldn't let her die again.
Even if he stopped the Third Impact and this all stopped, if she wasn't there…
What was the point?
Hitting the release, the had to watch the screen turn black as the LCL drained from the system.
Out and hopping down he walked up to the man, still drenched in LCL, Asuka just looked at him, he could tell she was doing her best not to say anything, but her eyes told him that even she didn't know what to do.
"You win." He said simply "but…"
"what is it?"
He looked at the girl, not wanting to look at his father when he said the words.
"If our roles were reversed, and she was Yui…"
He didn't even have to finish the sentence as the gunshot rang out and his world went black.
ʡʘʘʢ
The Second Child opened her eyes to the dimly lit room. It had to be very early in the morning judging by the small amount of sunlight coming into the room.
A shiver when through her, that warmth she had felt next to the Third Child was gone, so was the comfortable hand that had wrapped around her.
That had to be the best sleep she had gotten in years, a dreamless sleep where there was nothing to torment her.
Slowly pushing herself up she looked over to only see the other side of the bed empty.
Confusion wracked her brain and then panic as to why he left her, only for her to be startled by his quiet voice.
"Go back to bed Asuka."
She saw him, there in the corner that was still cast in shadow, curled up with his knees to his chest.
Why had he left her?
"What are you doing over there Ikari?" she growled, thought its effect was dulled due to her grogginess.
She could only see his eyes over the top of his knees, he just looked at her, but she couldn't detect any emotion from him.
"Just go back to sleep, I'll be fine, I didn't mean to wake you."
"Third…" she growled, obviously not liking the answer.
He said nothing, just looked at her.
"I didn't want to wake you with… my dreams." He admitted, "I'll be right back."
Those eyes pleaded with her to lay back down she kept searching for something other than the truth, something other than his word that he'd be there when she woke up again.
In the end she let herself trust him, against every instinct that was shouting at her that he as lying. She rested her head on her pillow again and trusted that he'd be there when she opened her eyes for the second time.
The boy just watched her lay back down, her chest rising and falling slowly.
How could he even be near her? How could he even hold her? Resting next to her no longer took away his nightmares, that one thing that could let him sleep at night had long since been stripped from him, leaving the boy to only disturb the girl. Even Misato's comfort the first night he had come here had only given him slight relief.
"Sucks to be you, at least you get to sleep at all." The one-eyed redhead mumbled as she sat next to him.
ʡʘʘʢ
"Don't leave me again, ok?" she asked him as she awoke with the familiar weight on her waist.
He said nothing, just the feeling of the boy's chest stop its raising and lowering was enough to let her know he heard her
"Promise me." She pleaded.
"I promise."
So the problem (as of 3.0) is that Shikinami doesn't have a backstory, we don't get anything of substance, so how do we create a past that explains the differences between the two Asuka's?
Shikinami doesn't seem to want attention (socially), but she is much more overt in her feelings towards Shinji (probably b/c Anno was just trying to create a love triangle idk), she has her WonderSwan which mirrors Shinji's SDAT player, but feels that she is 'above' childish things like going to an aquarium. Stir that together and I see an orphan who didn't even know her parents, who feels they are more mature than everyone else (like Soryu), but craves love more overtly than Soryu does (even though she doesn't go after Kaji) because she had never felt it (she crawls into bed with him and even talks with him unlike Soryu did). She's not nearly as mean to Shinji because there is no 'I see myself in you'. So overall, an Asuka that's not nearly as traumatized as Soryu, because she never felt that love Soryu did from her mother nor the pain of watching her mother go insane and kill herself (plus no fear of dolls). That being said, what would happen if she found something like that, only to have it ripped away… food for thought.
SHOUTOUTS!
Bwanagator – Oh, would you look at that…
EvaPilotFair – One thing about old habits is they are hard to kill, especially if they are picked back up again.
Some Fella – Thanks! I'm trying to look at it as if Soryu would have been more like Shinji, well a violent version of NGE Shinji, but it's hard since we don't really know anything about her.
UltraSpink of Da USA – That's true, hopefully 3.0+1.0 clears that up for us, the whole system of how Impacts work and effects from it is different so it's a bit confusing with the lack of material to draw conclusions from.
Spaztasticdragoon – Thanks, can we get a 'Vote for Hikari' shirt?
Guest (I'm guessing it's A Guy) – I'm pretty sure the N2 mine only slowed it down but wouldn't have been able to stop it. Considering it didn't damage the core.
I kinda wish Rebuild would have been slower, just so we could have waited for this, but unfortunately judging by Gendo's return from his trip to the moon and Unit-00 not being available for the fight against the Ninth Angel, we really don't have more than a 2-3 weeks, but I do believe that Shikinami would come back to Shinji if he had reached out, after all she starts learning how to cook when she learns about Rei's plan.
Until Next Time