Chapter 46: First Attempt at Motherhood
"Rose are you sure you don't want me to stay home?" Emma asks.
Rose shakes her head and pats her stomach. "I'm going to be a mother in eight months, Emma, I need to practice."
"Okay…" Emma says, reluctant to let Rose take care of Sybil all day. It's not that she didn't trust Rose; the woman adored Sybil and Emma can never thank Rose enough for keeping Sybil safe during the "incident" on the ship, but Rose had no experience around children at all. In fact, when she first held Sybil, she struggled to hold her sister properly. But then again, Rose did need the practice and since her ankle was healing, there's no reason for both her and Peter to stay at home. The office was getting busier now as the summer approached and both of them were needed.
Jack was also preparing to head out to find himself some work. He and Rose had stayed home the past week or so to watch Sybil and make sure Rose's ankle healed properly. Holly had also stayed a few more days with Thomas to give assistance, but this would be the first time Rose would be home alone with the child. Now, Jack was trying to find employment. Emma had offered him a job at the office, but he politely turned her down.
"No thanks," he said. "I need to be able to support Rose and my family, I also want to feel like I earned my job, not being influenced by my friends."
Emma left it at that. She knew all men had this ego thing where they had to feel like they earned their jobs and were capable of taking care of the women in their life. Peter had the same thing once, but he eventually got over it when he worked his way into her father's company and earned his spot. Emma too was working hard to receive the respect she deserved as the owner of the office, she had yet to hear about the classes she'd signed up for a couple weeks back.
"Alright, Rose, everything that needs to be done in the list on the counter," Emma explains. "Don't worry about dinner, Peter and I will be home by then, just make sure Sybil doesn't fall down the stairs or anything like that."
"I won't don't you worry," Rose says. Feeling confident as ever. She was finally going to put those housekeeping skills she'd learned from Wendy to good use. She was excited, feeling that she needed this chance to prove to herself and the others that she wasn't just some spoiled rich girl, that she could take care of herself and another human being.
"Okay," Emma says. "But call the office if anything goes wrong." She hands Sybil to Rose, who has to adjust her arms to hold the child properly. Emma gives a forced smile before gathering some papers. Peter kisses Sybil and then heads out to start the car. Emma kisses her sister and follows him.
Jack is dressed in clean clothing, something he borrowed from Peter to look presentable for his interviews. He was a little uncomfortable, but he knew he had to get a job to support his growing family.
"Have a good day," Jack says, kissing Rose on the lips. "I love you."
"I love you too, good luck," Rose smiles. She felt so normal, like a regular woman, watching her husband go off to work…or soon to be husband. She knew Jack would have no problem finding a job, he was so likable that anyone would be a fool for not hiring him.
Jack smiles once more before shutting the door and going to the awaiting car.
Once the car was out of sight, Rose goes to the kitchen to look at the list. Emma left a list of instructions of Rose could do for the day and how to care for Sybil. The first suggestion was to wash the breakfast dishes. Rose remembered how Wendy and the cook in her house at Philadelphia did it.
She puts Sybil in her high chair and fills the sink with water and soap. She finds a sponge and begins to scrub the dishes. Her good mood makes her feel so happy. She stacks the dishes on a towel until she hears Sybil screech, most likely for attention. Rose is so surprised that she drops a cup on the floor, smashing it into a million pieces. The noise frightens Sybil and she begins to wail. Rose steps around the broken glass and goes to comfort the child. She removes Sybil from the area and puts her in her crib to keep her safe. The child keeps wailing until Rose distracts her with a teddy bear.
With Sybil calm for the moment, Rose goes back and searches the closet in the kitchen until she finds the dustpan and broom. She sweeps up the mess carefully and throws it away. She shrugs it off as a simple accident, she's still in good spirits.
As she finishes the dishes, Sybil begins to wail again. Rose hated the sound so much, the child felt so helpless. Rose comes up and picks the child up again. Sybil continues to cry as Rose tries to calm her.
She took the sobbing child down to the list that Emma left. She left suggestions as to why Sybil would be crying. She had just eaten so she wasn't hungry, but perhaps she was wet. Rose read the instructions on how to change Sybil.
She goes up and lays the squirming tot on the changing table. She eventually figures out how to change her diaper, but Sybil continues to wiggle, making it difficult. More than once, Rose spills the baby powder all over her and the infant. This causes quite the mess and Sybil to sneeze and for the powder to stick to her teary face. Rose does her best to wipe the mess from her face.
Once clean, Sybil calms down a bit and begins sucking on her fist. Rose goes back to the list.
Emma suggested that Rose do some gardening in the back. It was almost June and Emma had barely touched the garden, the plants were most likely growing wildly. Rose found some old gardening clothes in Emma's drawer and slips into them. She decides that Sybil could do with some fresh air too and prepares the child to go outside.
Rose finds the gardening tools in the shed as well as a big hat for her to wear. She lays a blanket out on the lawn and puts Sybil down on it. She gives the child toys to play with and then sits in the dewy grass. Emma's list suggests that she try to pull some weeds and water the plants if possible. The problem was that Rose didn't know what weeds looked like. She had never done gardening in her life.
She wonders what are weeds and what are plants. She spends some time looking through the plant life and deciding what should be removed.
Eventually, she figures out what should stay and what should go, mostly learning by accidentally uprooting from firmly planted vegetation. She learns that one cannot just pull the top out of sight on the lawn, but pull everything up, including the roots. It's harder than it looks, she pulls the weeds up as hard as she can, spraying herself with dirt and the sun beating down on her.
By the time the sun is high in the sky, indicating noon, Rose is sweating and tired. She has a pile of unwanted weeds by her side, her hands are hurting and dirty. The garden looks a little better, but not much. She sighs to herself. Wendy had never taught her how to garden, so it was only her first time.
Rose sees a giant weed and goes to pull it up. Immediately, she pulls her hand back as the plant had pricked her and it had a very deep root. She sucks on the wound and wonders how she'll pull it up. Without thinking, she uses both her hands and pulls it up, enduring the pain as she goes. She puts all her strength into pulling it up.
By the end, both her hands are bleeding and her back aches slightly. Rose decides to go wash her hands and water the plants. She sees that Sybil is fine, playing quietly so she goes in and cleans her hands up. She found a bucket in the garden shed and used that to haul water out and dump it on the vegetation.
When the entire backyard is watered, Rose goes to the front and does the same. When she comes back, she's tired, hot and hungry. She turns to bring Sybil inside.
"Oh, Sybil!" Rose gasps.
The tiny child had managed to squirm her way off the blanket was now digging in the mud. Some of the water from the bucket had run down from the garden towards the child, creating mud in front of her, the perfect ingredient for the child to make a mess. Sybil had smeared the mud everywhere, her face, her hands, her clothes, her toys, even in her hair.
Rose picks the child up and brings her inside.
She knows that Sybil will have to be bathed now. She places Sybil in her highchair and decides that since Sybil was such a messy eater, it was better to feed the child now and then clean her. She checks the instructions on how to make Sybil some lunch. It would mostly be soft foods as she was teething.
She boils some carrots and then mashes them with a spoon until they're nice and soft. She brings them over to Sybil, who is just being fussy now.
"Okay Sybil, have something to eat," Rose says gently. She offers the baby a spoonful.
Sybil turns her head away and screeches. Rose tries again, this time, it touches Sybil's mouth, but she continues to screech. Rose moans and tries again. The cycle repeats until Rose is losing patience. No matter how hard she tries, Sybil won't eat. Rose then remembers that Emma often lets Sybil feed herself, she gave the child the spoon and bowl.
Rose is tired and in need of a drink. She decides to let Sybil eat herself, while she fed her unborn baby. She finds some ingredients in the fridge and makes herself a simple sandwich and some milk. She sits down at the table and looks for something to read. She finds a discarded book and begins to read it.
The story describes a woman who wants to marry the love of her life, but her current jealous lover will not allow it. The woman attempts to flee on horseback into the woods to escape her jealous lover, but the king's men are after her. If felt a lot like Rose's life, right down to the jealousy, but fortunately her story had a happy ending. She and Jack were together now. They could get married anytime soon. It had always been her dream, then they could travel until the baby was born and then have a comfortable life together.
When she looks up, Sybil has made a big mess with her food but seems to be a bit calmer. Rose knows now that she can clean the child before putting her down for a nap.
Rose begins to fill the bathtub with warm water when the phone rings. She goes with Sybil to answer it. This is about the time that Sybil begins to cry. Rose does her best to try and answer the phone but it's hard to hear with an infant wailing. She struggles to listen to the caller and take a message. In the end, she then hangs up and tries to calm Sybil when she hears a dripping noise.
"Oh no!" Rose says. She rushes to the bathroom to the bathtub overflowing. She nearly slips as she makes her way to the tub to shut off the water.
She feels herself on the verge of tears. Sybil is still carrying on and now the bathroom is a mess.
Rose takes a deep breath and calms herself. She drains the tub just enough and then sticks Sybil in it. She kneels down in the puddles, soaking her to the bone, fortunately, it was warm water, to clean the girl. Sybil wails a little less as Rose uses the soap to clean the child. She wipes off the carrot and dirt, doing her very best. Sybil thrashes around in anger, clearly not wanting to be in the water, making Rose wetter than she already was. In the end, Rose's head is pounding and she sighs. She dries Sybil and puts her into cleaner clothes. She takes the child to her crib, hoping some sleep will calm her down. She gives the child some toys and puts a blanket on top of her. She turns the lights off, knowing that this would put herself to sleep.
However, Sybil wails and refuses to sleep. Rose closes the nursery door and leaves for a few minutes to gather her bearings, all the while Sybil's cries echoing through the house. Rose hopes that the child will cry herself to sleep.
She goes back to the bathroom and goes in search of a mop. She tries to clean up the puddles, the only problem is the dirt from her clothing and Sybil's have mixed. Creating even more of a mess. Rose sighs in frustration. She takes Sybil's clothing and finds the instructions for washing them. She also takes her own clothes as well as Jack's, Emma's and Peter's and she begins to wash them. She remembers her lessons with Wendy on how to clean clothes properly and she scrubs them with a washboard and suds, feeling a little better now, and yet Sybil continues to cry. Rose brings the wet clothes outside and hangs them on a line to dry before going back to the child. Her mind fills with worries. What if Sybil is unwell? What if she hurt herself and I didn't know it?
When she enters the room, Sybil is red in the face and splotchy from crying so much. She's rumpled her covers and thrown her toys away. Rose picks Sybil up.
"Come on, Sybil, no one can cry for this long. It's okay, I'm here now." Rose checks for a fever and the diaper, she's clean, but yet she continues to cry.
Rose tries walking her up and down the hall, ignoring the mess in the bathroom, rocking and trying to sing to the baby.
"Hush my child…" she says. She can hardly hear herself over the infant's wails.
After what feels like hours, Rose assumes that she might be hungry again. She finds Emma's instructions for making milk, perhaps that's what Sybil needs. She puts the kettle on. She decides that she could start cooking dinner. Jack, Peter, and Emma would be home soon and despite the mishaps, she could show off her cooking skills.
Rose puts a pot of water on and then chops up some vegetables. She decides to make the stew that she'd help Wendy prepare less than a month before. Sybil cries a little less but is still miserable.
When she looks up from her stew preparations, she notices the dark storm clouds outside.
"Oh no, the laundry!" Rose cries out. She puts Sybil in her chair and rushes to get the clothes. She's too late however as it begins to pour. Rose drags the wet things inside, once again soaked to the bone. She leaves the laundry on a chair as the thunder scares Sybil once again.
The kitchen is suddenly filled with smoke and something burning fills the room.
"THE STEW!' Rose shouts. "THE MILK!"
The smell of burning milk fills the air. Sybil's cries get more desperate. Rose struggles to turn off the stove, with the baby in her arms.
The door suddenly slams.
"Rose!" Jack gasps when he sees the scene in front of him. He coughs at the smoke. "Rose, are you okay?"
"I am, but Sybil…"
"What's wrong with her?"
"I don't know!" Rose wails. She's in tears as well. She's finally reached her breaking point. "She won't stop crying."
"Here," Jack says, taking Sybil from her. He looks at the list and then goes to the cupboard. He finds vanilla extract. He puts a few drops on his finger and then spreads it on Sybil's gums. Immediately, the baby settles down. She begins to yawn eventually falls asleep.
"How did you do that?" Rose asks in surprise.
"It's a trick my mom used when I was little. She said a little vanilla helps a teething baby."
Rose sighs in relief and tries to wipe the tears from her eyes. She felt utterly mortified, clearly, she was bad at this job. Jack opens the window to let the smoke out as the rain starts to clear up. He takes Sybil upstairs to put her to bed. Rose sits on the floor and sobs.
"Rose," Jack says, coming back into the room. "Rose, are you okay?"
Rose shakes her head and curls up into a ball. The entire day was a disaster. She should've known that she couldn't take care of herself, let alone a child. Everything seemed to go wrong at every turn and she was the cause of it all. She felt like an utter failure. Maybe she wasn't cut out for this life after all…maybe…
The thought of returning to her old life made her cry harder.
Jack puts his arms around her and cradles her.
"It's okay, Rose it's okay. This happens all the time."
"Not to you," Rose mumbles. "I thought I could do it myself but I can't…I just can't Jack. I'm a total failure…"
"No, you're not. This takes a lot of practice; it doesn't come all at once. You don't think my mother burned food or left the laundry out in the rain?"
Jack looks around at the kitchen, at the mess in general.
"You did okay overall," he says, trying to look on the brighter side. "Maybe because you were trying to do everything at once…let's take it one step at a time. Emma and Peter won't be home till later so we have time to clean up."
Rose sniffs and wipes away a few tears. She gets up and takes the kettle and stew disaster from the stove. She begins rinsing out everything. Jack shows her the trick that Fabrizio taught him to get off burnt food. Afterward, Jack helps Rose find some soap and they mop up the bathroom together. They hang all the laundry around the house and build up a fire to bring in some warmth to speed up the drying, a trick Jack's mom had taught him for when she did laundry in winter. When Sybil woke up again, this time, Rose stays with the kettle and boiled her milk to the perfect temperature. Jack took over the cooking, he made a simple meal of chicken and rice, putting the leftovers away for Emma and Peter.
Rose sits down on the couch exhausted, Sybil sitting on the floor, playing with blocks. Jack wipes his hands and then comes to join her.
Rose leans her head into Jack's shoulder.
"I'm going to be a terrible mother," she sighs.
"Rose, don't say that." Jack snaps. "Motherhood is not easy; you won't get it immediately. You don't think my mother instantly became a mother. She had to learn to heat the milk right, to cook what dish at what temperature and mop the kitchen floor."
Rose sighs. "I guess I never had much of a role model growing up. I was always cared for by nannies, my mother never showed her face in the nursery and never set an example for me."
"Exactly…" Jack says. "Besides, it'll be different when it's our baby. I don't know how, but my mother said it always is. You'll catch on I'm sure."
Rose leans next to Jack and watches the girl on the floor.
"The best part is…" Jack adds. "You'll never love anything more than the child you carry now…"
Rose smiles. "I'm not so sure about that…" She leans over and kisses Jack deeply. "I'd say I love you more…"
Jack smiles and pulls Rose in for a long hug.
"Oh, I forgot to tell you…I got a job."
Rose squirms out of Jack's arms to look at him.
"Are you serious?" she gasps.
"Yes, I'm going to be working at the police station, as a sketch artist to do profiles of suspects and even draw up crime scenes as described by police officers. The pay is seven dollars a week, but I might get more if I do a good job."
Rose feels happy tears come to her eyes. "Oh Jack that's wonderful!" she cries and leaps into his arms. "I'm so happy for you."
Jack was pretty proud of himself. He was doing something that he loved and he was putting his talent to good use. It wasn't a lot of money, but at least he could provide for Rose and their child.
The two embrace and just lay on the couch until Rose notices something. Sybil has managed to get on all fours and slowly but surely, she begins propelling herself forward.
"Oh, Jack look!" Rose gasps. "She's crawling!"
Sybil begins moving around, slowly at first. She squeals, clearly pleased with herself at accomplishing the movement, something that she'd long to be able to do since Titanic.
Rose begins to cry again, not just out of happiness, but out of the sheer joy of watching a child enter another stage of her life. The miracle and innocence of a child learning and growing. Rose realizes then and there, that she could be a good mother, a great one even, to go through the crying and messes that come along with it if the reward was to watch a child grow.
Rose raises Sybil above her head and kisses her. The little one smiles and squeals in delight. Jack brings over a few toys and entertains Sybil. Rose knew then that they would be good parents if she and Jack worked as a team. She would not be alone, they would be together forever and give the child she was carrying a wonderful life. She would learn from her mother's mistakes and give the love and care that their baby would need.
When Peter and Emma get home, they find all three of them fast asleep on the couch.