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Chapter 31: "…Mother should I build the wall…"

She was floating.

No, she wasn't floating, it was more like she was drifting.

That wasn't right either, nothing felt right here.

Asuka tried to move but she couldn't, she couldn't do anything, the girl could only look in front of her, staring at the crimson emptiness.

She knew the taste, she knew the smell, it was that of blood, the same sensation that she received each time she was in an entry plug, but there was nothing else, no controls, no edges to this space.

It was just… emptiness.

Only the cold, only the bone-chilling sensations that surrounded her.

It edged closer, like it was somehow sentient, reaching out, trying to get closer.

Asuka couldn't do anything as it brushed against her mind, as if she herself were the Evangelion like it was trying to sync with her somehow.

There was barely any resistance, there was nothing that she could do to stop it, she couldn't even slow it down.

Then, from the red haze, a figure, no a face, yes a face. It was coming closer, but it was hazy, indistinguishable.

"Asuka."

The girl blinked.

She was solid again, she had a form, or at least the sensation of a form, but she was sitting in a yard, dusty and unkempt, she knew it well, but the whole scene was blurry, undefined like she was looking at it through running water.

"I don't want to remember." She whispered, but there was no one there to hear her.

Instead, there was just that girl sitting alone, with a small bag in her lap, she couldn't have been more than four, maybe five.

Those boys.

Asuka could only watch as their blurry forms came towards her, snatching the bag of food away from the smaller redhead.

An exchange of words.

Asuka couldn't have known what was said, it was so fuzzy, but she remembered the anger, it came so naturally, so effortlessly and before she knew it, the boy who had snatched the bag was on the ground.

Around the two figures, red splatters began to appear, as her fists had swiftly broken the child's nose. It wasn't long before a much taller figure came, dragging the girl off the boy and away, blood still dripping from her fists in a trail behind her.

"What about that girl?"

"Oh, she's a monster."

"She's mean."

"Don't play with her, you'll get hurt."

More tall figures walked throughout the yard amongst the smaller ones, while the redhead sat by herself, underneath a tree and just watched.

"What's her name?"

"Asuka."

"Why doesn't she play with the other children?"

"They're afraid of her."

"None of them want her."

None of those strangers chose her, why would they?

Not even her own parents wanted her.

What was wrong with her?

Days turned to weeks, weeks to months before they had come to take her away.

Special.

That was the word they used for her. Asking her if she wanted to do something special as well.

It hadn't been a hard decision, not with this place, not with these children running about.

"STOP IT!"

The scene shattered, sprinkling into a million different shards as the red returned.

"STOP, I DON'T NEED THOSE PAINFUL THINGS BROUGHT BACK UP, PLEASE JUST STOP IT!"

The cold swirled as if it were listening, but it didn't retreat, it just crept closer.

"Asuka?"

It was a new place, one filled with machines and technology the small girl had never dreamt of before.

"Just hang in there, we're just doing some tests alright?"

The machines whined they scanned, they beeped in a cacophony of never-ending tests that filled her early days at NERV.

The simulations were what she lived for though.

A whole world to escape to, a whole world where she towered over everything, where she could do anything.

The other children weren't as good as her, she could see that, hell a blind man could see that.

The image swirled again, this time she was outside an office. The seven-year-old was listening, doing her best to peer through the cracked door.

"Your candidate is too aggressive."

"She has scored in excess of at least ten percent over every other child brought in."

"She's dangerous and unpredictable."

"I thought the whole point was for the pilot to be dangerous…"

Asuka slunk away and again the scene changed.

"Here you go."

The eight-year-old blinked.

A doll?

"This is yours, happy birthday Asuka."

That woman, she wasn't too blurry, no, she remembered her. She wore glasses, sometimes she did tests, but most of the time the woman just watched all the candidates.

Immediately the girl had written her name on it, bold and unmistakable. It was no one else's, it was hers.

The cold darkness crept closer, Asuka felt it brush against her skin, and in that moment, she was no longer in Germany, she wasn't even in her plug suit.

No, she was standing in a railyard, it was night, and what looked to be right after a light shower, with the damp ground and fog covering the area. The cool breeze caused her to shiver slightly, she was only wearing what she typically wore to bed, which didn't help very much.

She looked around, the gravel eating at her feet as she did. Before she heard the laughter, the soft feminine laughter that seemed to echo into a million voices.

Spinning around, Asuka saw a cloaked figure there in the distance, only for the instant she stopped to squint, the girl found herself in a crowd of cloaked people, each running in the opposite direction, banging into her.

The cold once again surrounded her, it was starting to swallow her.

She was so cold.

Now she was sitting there, curled up, legs to her chest.

There was nothing, there was no one, just the cold emptiness.

No one to help her, no one to hold her, to protect her. She was alone.

Completely… alone.

The cold returned, it was so close, encompassing her, choking her, there was nothing left for it to see. It promised to be kind, it promised her it could take away the pain.

It would be there for her always, it would accept her, it wanted her.

Again, the chill whispered to her, talked of her independence, there was no need for her to be around children anymore.

She was an adult.

But Asuka was so cold.

It came closer, finally cutting her off from everything.

She wanted to scream.

.

.

.

"Roter Drache…"

She looked out from behind her legs to see the shoes of someone, no… she knew that voice, it was so steady, so… alive. Asuka looked up at him, she looked at those dark blue eyes.

"What are you doing down there?" he asked with a smile.

Suddenly that hand reached out to her, she just looked at it, looked at the outstretched arm of the boy who had done so much for her.

"Why?" she asked as the tears continued to fall silently.

That boy crouched down next to her, "Why?" he repeated the question, "Why what?"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT WITH ME?!"

The world changed, it was white now, she was seated on the blank surface, the same color stretching out towards infinity.

Asuka looked around, now surrounded by three of them.

Shinji Ikari, standing there, a smile on his face and that Greek Cross hanging from his neck.

"You don't seem like the kind that wants help…

"I thought you might want something more familiar for a change."

The Third Child, he was wearing a plug suit, his face was hardened, but his eyes were soft, for her they were inviting.

"Do you want me to stay here until they get you out?"

"Alright, I'm here."

Finally, a faceless boy, younger, with a defined outline, but nothing truly there, there were no discernible features, just the splattering of red that covered his chest.

"I met someone, and I failed them… so completely."

"…no one helped me when I was… was like you…"

"Asuka…"

She looked back to the one in front of her, not the pilot nor the child, just him, just Shinji Ikari.

He knelt down to her level; the edges of his lips curled slightly in an attempt to be warm.

The boy said nothing else, he just held out his hand.

"You're not alone Asuka."

"Why?" she asked again, curling up tighter "I'm not worth saving."

There was no answer for her, he just inched closer.

"Not even my parents wanted me, why do you!?" she shouted.

"It's not your fault."

Her eye's widened at those words, remembering how he had whispered them in the dark to her. How he had reassured her and held her for the first time.

"It's not your fault."

That anger came so naturally, Asuka couldn't keep herself from launching herself at him, fists clenched, as he landed on his back while brought her fist back and started to pummel his face.

"Why?"

Again, there was no answer, just the sound of her landing blow after blow to his face.

"WHY ME!?"

He was starting to bleed.

"WHY DO YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THIS!?"

She stopped; the red gore dripped from her hands as her chest heaved from exhaustion.

Looking down at her shaking hands, Asuka steeled herself and slowly raised her gaze to look at the boy's face, to look at what she had done to him.

Where she expected a bloody pulp, she found the same warm smile she always knew, the one he always seemed to carry just for her.

She didn't know what to do, Asuka just jumped off him and ran into the emptiness. It felt like hours that she let her feet carry her, but she pushed on, away from the boy she always seemed to hurt.

Asuka ran until her legs couldn't carry her anymore. Collapsing onto her knees, the girl did her best to suck in all the air she could.

For a few moments she was alone again, she was away from anyone to hurt, and the cold came rushing back.

At least, until she heard that voice again.

"Still running?"

She turned ever so slowly, there he was, his shirt was covered in his own blood, but he was fine, still holding that smile on his face.

Before she could make a move, before she could say a word, he just walked up to her kneeling figure and crouched down so that his face was level with hers.

Their eyes were so close, their breath blew against each other's face, ticking her nose, those dark blue eyes… had she ever truly stared at them like this?

Then she felt it again, the cold coming, the emptiness surrounding her, clawing its way towards her.

Before a new feeling was there.

His arms wrapped around her, squeezing her in a reassuring embrace.

"Asuka… I don't care, I don't care if you hurt me…"

Asuka couldn't stop the flow of tears this time, no, it all came rushing out of her as she gripped his shirt, her fingers digging into his skin underneath like she was desperately trying not to drown.

The cold was there, trying its best to reach her again, but there was only his warmth, his life, it surrounded her, it held her.

It protected her.

What was that cold emptiness next to him?

There was nothing it could offer her now, no whispers of comfort, no promises of shelter in solitude, there was no lie it could tell her that could make her grip loosen on his shirt.

"Why?" she asked him again, she knew, in her heart, she knew why he was doing this, but she just needed to hear it again.

"You know the answer."

"I want to hear it again."

Shinji pulled away, Asuka thought he was going to let her go, so she gripped his shirt tighter, but he stopped. It seemed it was just so he could look her in the eye.

She said nothing as he leaned in, his forehead resting against her own.

"Because you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen," he said in a calm soothing tone, just above a whisper, not the near shout she remembered, "Because you can be so alive sometimes because you make me feel alive, you're so fantastic that… I wish you could see yourself like I see you…"

When he was finished talking, Asuka just collapsed, her head resting on his shoulder as his arms kept her upright. There was no strength left in her, there was no drive for anything other than the warmth she felt right there in that moment.

The redhead opened her eyes, even with him still there, a pit of dread worked its way into her stomach as a lone figure was now behind the two of them.

It was small, clearly a girl, but no face, there wasn't much of anything, only two black pits for eyes, and she knew what it was.

"Soryu."

That was his voice, that was him calling out to the mysterious girl in his sleep.

The cold nothingness swirled in anticipation for her to let go of the boy, to reject his embrace. The idea of another girl occupying Shinji's thoughts almost making her do so.

But she held on.

So what? Did he think she was that girl? No. If he did, he wouldn't have confessed to her, he wouldn't have told her about that great burden he carried.

He had trusted her not to leave him.

That's what he wanted, he wanted this too, Shinji didn't want to be alone.

Just like her.

The cold recoiled and the mysterious figure evaporated, leaving the two of them there. Asuka couldn't have known how long it was, maybe minutes, maybe hours, she didn't care, not when this was so warm.

"Asuka?"

She grumbled something, her head still on his shoulder.

"Asuka, you need to get moving."

"Huh?" she pulled back to look at him.

His head was tilted, while his hands moved down and into hers as their entangled fingers sat in between them.

"Promise me you won't catch yourself hating that redhead in the mirror… be happy… and if you cant do it for yourself, try to do it for me."

"What are you talking about?"

"You have to go Asuka."

"I don't want to!" she shouted.

"That's not something you get to choose." He was smiling again.

Standing, Shinji brought the girl to her feet, hand in hand they stood there. Asuka couldn't think of anything to say, she'd rather not break the silence in fear of the moment ending.

"Be happy."

Without warning the boy was no longer there, the great emptiness was gone.

Instead, she was standing alone in a train car, an orange haze covering everything in sight.

She thought she was alone, at least until a voice broke the silence.

"Did you find happiness in the outside world?"

So, you thought we would just skip right to what Shinji gets up to after Bardiel did you? Well, not so fast haha.

So… what if Shinji had been there for Asuka before Arael in NGE? Well, maybe this is what it would be like, or at least in a way it would be like this. Obviously painful memories were brought up and we get a bit of Shikinami's history, but we all know why we're here. Shinji's actions do have positive outcomes sometimes, even if he might never know it.

SHOUTOUTS!

tomdj1701 – As for how Asuka fared? Much better than what happened to her in NGE I'd say (at least mentally).

spartanman2 – Thanks! There are more feels on the way! As for that comment…

EvaPilotFair – Well if you're in pain, I did what I set out to do!

UltraSpink of Da USA – Thanks!

MisterHalt – HAHA! Love it, as for that comment….

Iraki01 – Pls… yes…

skyf0x – Hope? Shinji's whole existence is built on hope to be honest. Hoping that this time around might just be different, so we'll keep struggling, because Shinji really doesn't know what else to do by now. I don't think Shinji would repeat his greatest mistake on purpose… but remember, I always said his previous knowledge would come back to haunt him…

A Guy – Shinji: *snaps fingers* "You really want to test me?"

dyinglittelstar – Thanks! I admit I don't really have a knack for that type of thing, but it gets the job done.

Guest – I am cruel, but fair, haha.

Duckz – Um, good, I think? Hopefully, we keep that up?

Berix – RIP Shikinami, Asuka, died as she lived, nah, Shinji for the assist, at least in her mind.

Kempn200252 – ½ Asuka's injuries? Well, I don't think the entry plug fared any better, in fact, I thought I made it worse.

2/2 I smiled when I read that, because it means I'm doing a good job, haha! More on that later.

Alright, I wouldn't expect a chapter to be out in the next two weeks, I got some stuff going on, but afterwards we should be back to 2 a week if we're lucky.

Until Next Time.