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Chapter 33: "…To fill the empty spaces …"
"Did you find happiness in the outside world?"
Asuka blinked.
She was seated in a train car, an orange haze covering everything. Twisting her head, she looked behind her only to see a railyard slowly passing by.
Looking over herself, Asuka noted how she was suddenly in her school uniform, the blue and white being washed out by the orange glow that seemed to cover everything. In her hand rested her trusty WunderSwan, how long had it been since she turned it on?
"You're always playing with that, aren't you?"
Asuka looked up only to see… Ayanami?
She was sure the outline matched the girl, but the light from behind her washed out all features of her face.
"Pilot Ikari used to always listen to his player… is it the same for you?"
"Is what the same for me?" she bit back.
"Do you wish to close off yourself to the world you hate?"
Did she hate the world? Of course, she did, what had it ever done for her? Why should she even protect it? The only reason she was doing that in the first place was to pilot the Eva… now that was gone.
She was about to retort the girl with all those things but was cut short. The girl's side exploded in pain, it was like fire, spreading and burning her insides, burning to her bones, though despite the sheer magnitude of that pain it was nothing compared to her left eye.
Asuka could help but let a small yelp escape her as she felt it, but just as it washed over her it receded, leaving the girl winded, and clutching the left side of her head.
"Don't you judge me!" Asuka barked back at the girl, still breathing heavily "You're just a doll, I bet you can't even feel anything!"
"So, you have the ability to feel those things, but do you want to?" that monotone voice asked, seemingly not caring about the girl's adverse reaction.
Again, that shooting pain ran through her eye and side, only to leave her as quickly as it came.
"Yes."
Is that what she wanted her to admit?
More than anything, she had wanted to feel, she wanted to live, she wanted to feel warm. Asuka hadn't thought that possible until recently, until him.
"You're lucky," The girl responded in the same monotone voice "he understands you."
"Of course he does! He…"
Tap
Asuka's anger evaporated instantaneously.
Tap tap
Was that… a beat?
Tap tap tap
She looked down at her palm… she felt it. That tune he had shared with her, that they had played together that night.
The room melted, slowly, warping and disappearing, like it was being washed away, as she felt the pain began to take hold of her again as her view turned black, but it didn't retreat, it didn't even slow down, it encompassed her entire body now.
Asuka wanted to scream, but it felt like there was something keeping her from doing just that, something clogging her throat. There were muffled sounds, someone trying to talk, but it sounded as if she were underwater. There was something on her, something weighing her down.
She struggled, thrashing against whatever was keeping her there, as much as her clouded mind could. Then she felt it, the tapping had stopped, replaced by someone holding her hand.
Asuka knew exactly who it was.
It took every bit of strength she had to force her left hand to twitch, to move, to do something to squeeze back, to let him know she could feel him. In the end, she wasn't able to tell if she did, the pain was blinding, but Asuka could feel herself calming down, despite the confusion.
Because Shinji was there.
He hadn't left her.
She felt something rushing into her veins, something freezing, spreading through her body as her mind began to cloud even more.
The dark emptiness that she could see melted away, back to the orange hue of the train car.
The redhead looked down at her hand, the feeling was still there, but she was sure it was just a memory at this point… still, she flexed her hand bringing it into a fist.
"Do you deserve him?" the small creature asked.
She closed her eyes.
"No," she admitted, she wasn't sure if it was to herself or that creature.
"I want… I need to deserve him," She opened her eyes, "but he doesn't care, he just wants me to be happy."
"Is that enough?" the small blue-haired girl asked.
She just smiled and hoped the train ride wasn't going to be much longer.
"It has to be."
There were no more words, the two of them just sat there, eyeing each other, at least there were no words from the person in front of her.
Instead, Asuka heard them, like a whisper from someone who wasn't there.
"I'll be right back…"
ʡʘʘʢ
He sat there at her side, taping the tune.
How long had he been there? Without any clocks or windows to the outside world, it was hard to tell.
It wasn't like he was going anywhere anyway.
Somehow, this was worse than his nightmares. There they could be over abruptly, there he already knew how things went, here… he was left with no clear direction to go.
He knew for sure this was worse than letting her die, she was suffering, even if she was in a coma, or simply had an ungodly amount of an anesthetics, he knew there would be permanent damage. From what he could tell, she hadn't lost limbs like Toji had, but he couldn't know for sure.
It wasn't like they might amputate them if they were too damaged either.
Now all he could do was sit here, trying to comfort her if she was aware, trying to help her if her mind was damaged.
He was one to talk.
YOUR FAULT
Shinji didn't fight that feeling.
He was selfish.
He wanted to feel happy.
He was willfully blind to the obvious.
Look where that got him.
I am poison to everyone around me.
How true that had been.
"And who told you it first? Who said you were going to regret trying to pretend to be something you're not?" Asuka barked from the side of the room.
He didn't acknowledge it, he had more pressing matters.
Like how Asuka's hand had twitched on its own.
Shinji stopped his tapping, only able to look on in horror as the encased girl began to move.
At first, it was quivering, then it escalated. She thrashed against her restraints, the wires and tubes moving with her, threatening to tear out and do even more damage.
The boy was sure that up in the observation room doctors would be shouting and people working furiously to sedate her again. While down here, he was once again completely useless to the girl.
So, he just held her hand.
He squeezed it as Asuka shook, trying to move, probably terrified and confused at what was happening.
"It's alright Asuka." He said trying to comfort her, trying to say anything that might help, despite his doubt she would hear him. He squeezed her hand slightly tighter, while not wanting to hurt the already damaged girl.
The mass of wires, tubes, and hair seemed to respond to it, as he could feel her own hand squeeze back, even if it was the lightest of pressure.
"I'm here Asuka, it's alright." He said gently, doing his best to try and calm the confused girl.
It all seemed to end so quickly, her body began to relax more and more, the pressure he felt on his hand began to lessen and finally, her fingers went slack. The anastatic must've set in and she was finally back under.
Despite his whole body screaming that he should let go of her, that he had just caused the girl even more suffering, he didn't budge.
I made a promise.
So, he just sat there, hand in hand with the girl, knowing that he would eventually need to leave her. Zeruel would likely come next, hopefully.
If that wasn't the case, then all bets were off.
He knelt down in the LCL, resting his head on the slab while keeping his hand in hers, he was pretty sure that he wouldn't fall off and it wasn't like he could drown in the stuff.
Shinji let himself drift off to sleep, deciding it was best to be well-rested for the fight that was about to come.
ʡʘʘʢ
Rei Ayanami's apartment was silent.
The blue-haired girl was used to that, it wasn't like she was accustomed to many disturbances, but now… somehow it seemed so quiet.
The girl closed the door behind her and looked over the kitchen counter, reviewing the pile of food that was now ruined from hours of sitting out.
Methodically emptying each dish that had been used, Rei went about wiping down the countertop and placing each dish into the sink. Turning to the main room, she stopped in the doorway, an unfamiliar feeling stirring inside her.
The girl just looked at the table sitting there, dishes and drinks still out waiting in vain to be eaten.
The image of both sitting there, in such close proximity…
Something manifested itself in her stomach, it felt heavy, like there was a pit where it shouldn't be.
She had been in Unit-00 when the Third Child had engaged the Angel, she had been privy to a video feed so that if Unit-01 should fail, she would at least know what she was facing. She would've needed that edge, considering the damaged state of Unit-00.
Her hands worked methodically, taking the liquids to the sinks, and pouring them out.
Heading back to the table, her eyes were caught by something. Stopping, she just looked at the Third Child's bookbag leaning against her wall.
"…you should have just left me where I was…"
The boy's comments at dinner had floated back into her mind as well as what was said during the battle.
"You, you think you can just make me kill her again?"
The boy had never hid the fact he despised piloting the Evangelions, even if he had seemed resigned to them as of late.
Stopping her cleaning, the girl knelt down and looked inside the bag, eyeing the laptop and books for class, she pulled out one of the notebooks stored inside.
It seemed brand new on the outside like she had just purchased it from a store. Opening it, her eyebrows raised at the blank pages, flipping through them, all of the pages were blank.
In fact, every notebook in the bag was blank.
How did the Third Child take notes?
Peering deeper inside, she spotted the familiar sight of an SDAT player.
Picking it up, she examined it, wondering what songs the commander's song could've listened to.
She straightened one of the earbuds and placed it in her ear. However, just before she could press play, her door burst open.
A sense of déjà vu came over her, as Section 2 agents began to hurry her away.
ʡʘʘʢ
He felt like he was back on that beach again, sitting next to her.
What had that really felt like?
Was he the same boy that had his hands wrapped around her neck?
He remembered his tears.
He remembered her caress.
"Disgusting."
He remembered how that word had been said with such venom, such hatred.
And he knew she was right; he was disgusting, and he remembered that he deserved ever bit of her ire.
How long had they laid there? Did he remember the sunrise? Was there a sunrise?
It was all so fuzzy, so blurry, he should remember. He knew he remembered.
It was like blinking, and he was back with the crashing of the public telephone line.
And a Rei standing off in the distance for the third time.
No.
That was wrong, what was missing?
Why did he have such a hard time remembering? Was it that long ago?
There was something else… what was it… he knew there was something.
He knew there was more… but why did it feel like he was just watching… static?
Shinji needed to remember.
The Third Children's eyes opened as the chamber shook.
ʡʘʘʢ
This felt wrong.
Misato just stood there, the box in her hands as the Section 2 agents who had escorted her home closed the door behind her.
The apartment was dead.
Her home was lifeless.
All the color and joy she had known over the last few months had been siphoned from it.
This felt wrong.
The colonel looked down at the box in her hands. Asuka still lived with her, which meant all recovered items were sent back with the woman.
Somehow, it felt much too heavy for the few items inside.
She set it down on the kitchen table, her one arm still in a sling, and just pulled out a chair.
Sitting there, she noticed the lack of dishes. Shinji must've not eaten much for breakfast and it seemed like he didn't make anything for lunch either. The thought of the angel interrupting Rei's dinner party meant the boy hadn't eaten nearly anything all day.
The woman rubbed her eyes, here she was thinking like a mother again, worrying about him.
She froze. She was like a mother to him, to both of them, whether she liked it or not she was the only figure in their lives that even remotely filled that role.
And there was nothing she could do now, for either of them
In that train of thought, she hadn't bothered to notice a certain penguin come out to see her. It nudged against her leg, looking up at her, wondering why he had been alone for so long.
"I guess you want something to eat?" she asked, composing herself.
The bird purred in agreement, as she went about looking for a bit of food, for the both of them.
Placing food on the floor Misato sat back down at the table, suddenly not wanting to eat. Instead, she found her eyelids begin to droop. They seemed to grow heavier until finally, she found herself drifting off to sleep right there.
The sudden ringing of her phone brought her back to consciousness. Reaching into her coat, she flipped open her phone and brought it up to her ear.
"This is Katsuragi…"
ʡʘʘʢ
The chamber shook as he felt the first strike from the Angel.
"The Angel of Might cometh." He mumbled to himself.
Shinji pushed his head off the slab and just looked down at the girl. Just as before, the only sound between them was the rhythm of the air being forced into her lungs.
Pressing his cufflink, the plugsuit went slack around him. Reaching up around his neck, Shinji pulled off the pendant he had carried for so long.
Holding it in his hand, he refit the suit and reached down to Asuka's hand.
Entangling the string in her fingers, he tied it off, making sure it was just tight enough that it couldn't fall off easily.
Shinji closed her fingers around the Greek cross and leaned down to her ear.
"I'll be right back, and you can give this back to me, alright?"
Ah, the good old train scene. I wouldn't have done that for Asuka since we already had the Bardiel/Arael-esc, scene if not for one important fact. Toji finds himself in a traincar in NGE and he even can see Shinji with 'Rei'.
Shoutouts!
SheriffJohnStone – Thanks!
GoobusUbusMoobus – I went…
UltraSpink of Da USA – Yeah, I'm anticipating it, I'll be hoping Amazon doesn't crash with so many people lol.
dyinglittelstar – Thanks! I disagree with Shinji-gun.
EvaPilotFair – "I get a gun?!" Thanks!
skyf0x – Mari for next chapter haha, only 2 more to go.
YodaMorpheus7 – A Guy has evolved… into YodaMorpheus7! Ah caught that MAGI bit did you? Magician revealing his secrets? Oh not quite yet…
Tomdji1701 – Oh… the cores? We'll get there… we'll get there…
Guest – Well, I didn't quite want to be spoiled, but we'll have to see…
JIM D. ZAS – Thank you!
Mr Gentlemen – Interesting, well…
calborghete – I don't think he could be all that mad at Misato, at least now.
Guest (2) – Lol
Guest (3) – … I don't know how to respond to that…
spartanman2 – Well, I think the coming fight will be enough for everyone
Warning64 – Thanks! Reading that review I can say you really made me smile, the only thing I can say is I don't see Shinji as 'tricking' Shikinami. Of course, despite whether Ghost Soryu's is real, this is what I was aiming for, is Shinji really in 'love' with Shikinami? Or is he in love with a shadow of a memory?
Alright, we made it to 100k words! Didn't really expect that as I've added much more than I thought I would. With 2 more chapters to go till our first break, hopefully we wrap this up by the end of July.
Until Next Time.