AUTHORS NOTE: I know I have said this many times now, but thank you all for your continued feedback and positive comments. I have been completely blown away by it.

CHAPTER 19

(ANA)

I sit holding Christian's hand as Arnie retells the sad story of Ella and Liam. I don't say a word and just quietly sit silently offering Christian my unconditional love and support. As Arnie explains everything, I feel Christian grip my hand get a little tighter.

When the story is complete Christian leans back and sighs, then he pinches the top of his nose with his fingers and scrunches his eyes shut.

"I had no idea, I always thought…" he begins and then trails off unable to finish.

I lean towards him and press a kiss to his biceps before resting my head against him.

"I know, but to be fair you really didn't have a lot to go on, did you? You were so young when she died and so all your early memories are the… not so good ones".

Christian nods and turns to bury his nose in my hair and as he does this something clicks into place in my mind and I take a sharp breath in.

Christian immediately reacts and looks at me with alarm, "What's wrong baby?" he asks anxiously.

"Nothing, I… Uncle Arnie do you have that picture? The one you showed to Christian?" I ask and Arnie nods and pulls it from his wallet once more. I take it and look at it carefully not looking at the family but the surroundings, when I had first seen it I saw what had looked like an orchard with apple trees surrounding the family.

"Where was this taken?" I ask and Arnie smiles.

"My parents' home, they have an orchard there. You loved it there when you were little Christian, Ella and Liam couldn't keep you out of it when you all visited. You loved the apples and Ella always mashed down the ones you picked. It started as Ella always picked some to make into an apple sauce and she spoon-fed it to you when you were a baby, and as you got older you helped to pick them yourself and you had it on pancakes and sometimes you'd just eat it on its own with a spoon.

Christian just sits with a stunned expression on his face.

"This is why when you smell my apple shampoo it calms you" I say as I wave the photograph at Christian.

He takes the photograph from me and stares at it, "I don't remember this… I don't remember any of it" he mutters.

Arnie shakes his head, "No you won't do, you were very young… but I can see what Annie is getting at, you don't have any physical memories of that time, but the smell of apples clearly provokes some kind of latent unconscious happy memory for you".

"I feel a sense of calm and comfort… it makes me feel safe" Christian says quietly as he continues to stare at the photograph".

I glance at Arnie and he looks as though he wants to say something, after a moment he leans forward and clears his throat. "Erm… Christian" he begins hesitantly and Christian immediately looks up and gives him his full attention.

"Annie has just said something, and earlier when we were talking after you left the room… I get the impression that you were neglected by Ella in some way?"

Christian lets out a small derisive snort, "That's the understatement of the century" he says dryly and then he sighs.

"She was an addict, the person I have memories of does not look like the woman in this photograph" he says as he gestures towards the photograph he is still gripping.

Arnie doesn't say anything but waits as Christian visibly struggles as he remembers his horrific childhood. I move closer to him and I wrap my arms around his waist and lean my head on him again. He turns his head and presses a kiss to the top of my head and then places the picture down on the table in front of him. He grasps my arm with his and holds me tightly as if he is afraid I am going to move away and he begins to talk.

"I've forgiven her, for that period of my life as Ana made me see that while she wasn't the best mother there were obviously reasons for the way she was and how we lived. Now that you have enlightened me as to just how different things were and how fundamentally things changed, I feel as though I can finally close that period of my life. Ana and I go to visit her grave and she now has a marked grave… I'd made sure of that, and I think we should go again soon". He looks at me and I nod in agreement.

"I was telling Annie earlier that your father is also buried in Detroit, so perhaps I could come with you the next time you go so I could visit Ella's grave and I could take you to Liam's grave?" Arnie suggests warily.

Christian nods, "I'd like that" he says quietly.

"So… what happened to you? When you were with Ella. Annie said you suffered a horrific childhood, what happened?" Arnie pushes.

Christian glances at me once more before taking a deep breath. "She had a pimp, he brought people to the apartment and he also… yes well. He fed her the drugs she was addicted to and she paid him with sex. He abused me". Christian stops and closes his eyes and I gently squeeze him a little tighter.

Arnie is sitting silently just waiting for Christian to continue, but I see the pain in his eyes at what he is hearing.

"I was a little shit, that was what he called me. To be honest I have always wondered if Christian was my name as I never knew what my name was. He always called me 'that little shit' or 'you little shit'".

Arnie frowns, "What did Ella call you?" he asks.

Christian snorts again, "Maggot" he says and I'm surprised when Arnie smiles at that.

"She still called you that?" he muses.

Christian's head whips up at this and he stares in surprise at Arnie. "There was a reason for it?" he asks and Arnie nods.

"We would go fishing, my dad, Hal, Me and Liam; we all loved to fish and you would come along. Your first word was Maggot. I'll never forget it… We were all there this day and dad was baiting the line and explaining to you what he was doing and you pointed at the bowl of maggots and just came out with it, you said maggot. I tell you Liam nearly fell in the river he was so shocked. When we got back, we told Ella and she didn't believe us, then dad walked in carrying you and you were holding the bowl of bait and you pointed at it and said it again".

Christian's jaw is practically on the floor at hearing this, and he shakes his head. "I love fishing" he mutters quietly.

I see him thinking and then he looks at Arnie again. "Where was I? Oh yes, the pimp… He abused me. He physically abused my mother, punched and kicked her, and I'm pretty sure he sexually abused her as well although I didn't know that at the time. I tried to protect her and he would kick me across rooms. He beat me regularly with a belt and he put his cigarettes out on me. When I was found and taken to the hospital, I was afraid of being touched as all I knew… was abuse. My mother was the doctor who examined me. She was the first person who I felt had ever spoken to me kindly and who didn't hurt me. It became clear I had a phobia of being touched and when she and my father adopted me, they respected my boundaries. I still have the scars on my chest and back as a reminder of what that animal did to me. It was only when I met Ana that I finally overcame my haphephobia, but even now I don't particularly like being touched by people outside of my immediate family.

"Didn't you receive any help over the years to overcome your phobia?" Arnie asks and Christian shakes his head.

"I was subjected to every therapy there was and had a revolving door of therapists, psychiatrists and psychologists. I just didn't trust anyone enough to let them in to help me". Christian says as he shrugs sadly.

Arnie glances at me and bites his lip. I wonder if he is thinking what I have always thought over the years, that Grace and Carrick could've done more for him. Especially Grace being a paediatrician. I've always felt that she didn't do enough and that surely, she could've known how to do something to help him overcome his fears.

There is an awkward silence for a moment and then Arnie clears his throat. "Was this pimp ever arrested?" he asks and Christian shrugs.

"I have no idea. All I know is, he found my mother dead. He was angry because she had died and he took that anger out on me. Then he called in the death, and left the apartment locking the door behind him".

"Jesus Christ" Arnie mutters as he shakes his head sadly.

"It's in the past, nothing can be done to change it. It is what it is" Christian says simply.

oooOOOooo

We talk a while longer and eventually we decide to go and find the others. I text Eva to find out where she is and discover that they have been with my dad. Eva and Victor have been acting as tour guides and they have been sightseeing around San Diego and Victor had taken them to his precinct to show them around.

When I suggest meeting up Eva quickly agrees and tells me that they will start making their way back to the hotel.

We are waiting and soon I spot my sister, my dad and Gideon walking towards us. I make a point of going to Gideon first and wrapping my arms around his waist and hugging him tightly. I am incredibly grateful to him for going to Christian after he had his meltdown this morning.

He looks a little taken aback by my gesture and he looks at me questioningly.

"Thank you, for going and talking to Christian this morning" I say quietly and he nods.

"No problem, happy to help" he says with a nonchalant shrug.

Eva grins at me, "Hey that's my husband, you have one of your own to go and hug" she says which makes us all laugh.

As I turn towards her she pulls me into a tight hug and whispers in my ear, "Did it go ok?" she asks and I quietly reply that it did.

Eva releases me and walks up to Christian and hugs him, which surprises me and him. I see him stiffen slightly at the gesture and the returning hug he gives her is slightly awkward but I am proud of him that he did that much.

"Shall we all go and get some lunch?" Christian asks just as my stomach growls loudly.

Eva bursts out laughing and points at me, "I think that's a yes from Ana!" she says.

We all arrive at a small café which Eva assures us is fabulous. I realise for the first time that Victor is not here and I point out the fact, and Eva tells me that he returned to work now that he knows all there is to know about Frank. She pauses and looks at Christian.

"He said to say to you that although you have now found out where your birth family came from, if you ever need anything and you think he could help not to hesitate to contact him and he asked me to pass on his number". Eva holds out a small card with a number on it along with a handwritten number underneath. Christian smiles at her as he takes it. He thanks her and pushes it into his pocket and as he does so his phone starts ringing.

He pulls it out and glances at the screen before looking at me, "Baby is your phone still switched off?" he asks and I gasp in shock as I realise it is and I nod.

"It's Kate" he says as he holds up his phone. I roll my eyes and shake my head.

"I don't want to talk to her" I say and he nods and rejects the call sending it to his voicemail.

"Baby, you can't avoid her forever and the longer you do leave it the more persistent she will get". He pauses and looks hard at me, "I know she has done something to you for you to be behaving like this, I want to know what she has done?" he asks.

"Many, many things" I mutter as I put my head down. I lift it again and smile, "Nothing" I lie.

Eva scowls at me, "Don't fucking lie Ana, I heard what you just said, I think you need to tell us what is going on".

"Angel" Gideon says warningly as he gives me a sympathetic look. I look at my dad who has his eyebrows raised and is just waiting for me to explain.

I look at Christian helplessly, I didn't want to talk about this until we were alone but it appears I have no choice in the matter. "Look, she just said some derogatory things about Christian and I got sick of it" I say as I try and brush them off. I deploy my best weapon, I look Christian straight in the eye, "Shall we go in, I'm hungry" I say. I hate playing on his issues of hunger but at this moment I do it to try and deflect the situation away from me and besides, I am really hungry.

He seems to realise what I am doing and he nods but as he pulls me to his side he leans down and whispers in my ear.

"You are not getting out of this; I need to know what she has done and said. It has clearly upset you and I am pissed that you haven't mentioned it to me before now" he growls.

Eva leads us all inside and we are taken to a small private booth in the corner. As we take our seats everyone's eyes are on me so I completely ignore them and study my menu as if it's the most interesting thing in the world. I am quite hungry so it is a priority for me at this moment to see what is on offer to eat. Christian sighs and looks at his own menu.

As soon as the order has been taken and our drinks have arrived Eva turns towards me and gives me a questioning look. "Ok spill" she says and I sigh.

I glance at Christian and lick my lips. "Before Elliot and Kate went to Hawaii she wanted to go out to a club. I'm not and never have been a fan of clubbing and she knows this, but she still insists on dragging me along when she wants to go out".

"Why doesn't she go out with Mia, if she wants to go clubbing? Mia likes clubbing?" Christian asks as if this is the obvious solution.

I shake my head, "She doesn't like going out with Mia, as she says Mia is too self-absorbed and immature, but I personally think they are very similar. They have both been spoilt and they both behave like entitled little princesses". I pause and look at Christian who nods in agreement.

He and I have talked about Mia and on many occasions, he has said those very words so I wasn't afraid that it would upset him.

"The difference is Mia hasn't got a spiteful bone in her body. Yes, she is selfish and has a sense of entitlement but she is oblivious with it. She wouldn't knowingly manipulate or hurt someone's feelings or say something vindictive about someone… whereas Kate would… and does". I pause as I spot the waiter approaching with our meals.

When he has gone, I continue. "I have never been comfortable with Kates view of motherhood; her behaviour drew uncomfortable parallels with Carla and the way she was when I was a child. This particular night she was adamant she was going out clubbing, that I was going with her and she was going to get steaming drunk. I pointed out that she was a mother and that she had a daughter to take care of and she just said 'that's the nanny's job'. I was shocked but I didn't know what to say to her. Then she tried to get me to go out once again and I refused. I had been distancing myself from her for a while as all she wanted to do when we were out was complain about Elliot and bad mouth Christian. She never liked it when I wouldn't do as she wanted and she started with her usual comments of 'haven't you got permission?' and 'won't Christian let you go?' I lost my temper with her and told her that I didn't need permission. I said perhaps she should try spending time with Elliot as then she wouldn't feel the need to constantly complain about him". I pause as that conversation fills my mind and I remember just how ugly it got.

"She… she said that…" I pause as I know this is going to really upset Christian. "She said… the only way to prevent her from complaining about him would be for her to divorce him and she had laughed and said that wasn't going to happen. You see, she'd signed a pre-nup and so she said that she was better off staying with him, although she then admitted to me that she wished she had never married Elliot in the first place. She said she never really loved him she just wanted to make a point because of us, she practically told me that the only reason she had married Elliot was because I had married you". I look at Christian and see him exchange a knowing look with Gideon and I wonder what that was about. I take a drink and a deep breath as I continue with my story. Eva is sitting staring at me as if she can't believe what she is hearing and my dad is just shaking his head sadly.

"I told her that was terrible and that Elliot didn't deserve that… and he doesn't because he's such a lovely man. I was so angry with her and I told her that if she felt like that she should never have had a child with him. As bringing an innocent life into that sort of toxic relationship was wrong. She said Elliot had wanted a family and she said… she said that she had hoped that when she had Ava that it would cause friction between us". I pause again and look at the stunned faces around me.

"Baby, you should've told me this" Christian says quietly.

I nod, "I know, but I haven't got to the best bit yet" I say with more than a little hint of sarcasm on the word best.

"How can this possibly get any worse?" Gideon says.

I laugh, "Trust me it can" I say.

My dad is just sitting with a shell-shocked expression, he had never taken to Kate and always thought she was, as he put it a selfish brat. I had made allowances for her and excuses for her throughout our time at college and put up with more than perhaps I should have.

"From what she said it appeared to me that she was jealous of the relationship we have, but it also appeared that she had made many incorrect assumptions about my life and what I wanted. She said, she had figured out that I had wanted to have children as I was such a mom. That it would be better if I did follow that route now, as after all my own career was unnecessary and I was totally over shadowed by Christian and his success, so why bother. She said that I was deluding myself by having a career as people were only interested in me to get a stepping stone to Christian".

"Baby, that's not true" Christian splutters angrily. "You have made your mark in the publishing world and it has been your hard work, intelligence and intuitiveness which helped you do it, not being married to me".

I smile gratefully at him for saying that and carry on speaking. "According to her, I was only focussing on my career because you had refused to have children with me. Therefore, she was hoping that by having Elliot's baby and you seeing how happy Elliot was to be a dad would do one of two things, you would either capitulate and give me what I want or it would drive a wedge between us and we'd separate. She actually said she was doing it with my best interests at heart and I should be thanking her. She said that I was in a win, win situation because if you capitulated I'd have the child she assumed I so desperately wanted. If it didn't work, we would split and because there was no pre-nup I'd take you to the cleaners and be a very wealthy woman able to start again".

I stop speaking and there is a stunned silence around the table, I take a long drink and wait for someone to say something, unsurprisingly Christian is the first to speak.

"Baby, if you wanted a family…" he begins nervously, I look and see the fear in his eyes as he says that and I know that he isn't ready for parenthood yet and to be perfectly honest neither am I. I smile at him and reach for his hand and squeeze it. I shake my head at him and quickly knock that notion on the head.

"Christian, I am happy with how we are. I am happy with my career and I love what I do. I love that I come home to you every evening. Do I want children? No, not at the moment but I'm not ruling it out in the future but that is something we will do when it is right for both of us to do so". As I say that I see Christian visibly relax and the fear vanishes and it is replaced with total relief.

"That fucking bitch" Eva splutters and I let out a snort.

I turn towards Christian once more, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was so shocked by everything she had said and I wanted to get it all straight in my own head before I said anything. Plus, I knew it would put you in an impossible position with Elliot. Then the next thing we heard was that Kate and Elliot had gone to Hawaii so I assumed that after how our conversation ended she had seen sense and decided to try and make a go of her marriage".

"How did that conversation end?" my dad asks.

I smile, "I ripped her a new one. I laid into her and told her I had never been so disgusted in my life. I told her that I didn't want children yet and that none of it was any of her god damned business, that she should stop sticking her nose into my business and concentrate on her own marriage and she should wake up and see what a wonderful family she had got. She was so shocked as I had never spoken to her like that and she immediately backed down and tried to say that everything she did was because she had my best interests at heart and that she cared about me. She said she had clearly misread the situation and that she was sorry".

"You didn't believe her, did you?" Eva asks warily.

I shake my head, "No, because I knew she didn't mean a word and that she was just trying to manipulate me again. But then she said something which totally finished me with her. She said… she said…" I pause as I really don't want to say this as I know it will reignite all Christian's insecurities which he has tried so hard to overcome.

"She said it was probably best and I was making the right decision, because who would want to have a child with someone as controlling as you". I stop and don't continue, as she had gone on to say that having Christian as a father would screw any kid up for life but there is no way I am ever telling Christian that.

"Oh baby" Christian says and he pulls me towards him.

"And yet she is calling you now and thinking you are best mates again?" Eva asks incredulously.

I turn to face her and nod, "Oh yes, the very next day she called and it was as if nothing had happened and we were best friends again. She called me to tell me that she and Elliot were going to Hawaii… to gloat a little I think that she was going away on vacation" I say.

Eva shakes her head and looks at Christian, "Are you going to tell your brother everything that Ana has told you?" she asks.

I feel Christian shuffle, and I look up at him. "Now you see why I didn't tell you. I didn't want to burden you with all that as I know you, and I also know just how protective you are towards your family. You would want to protect Elliot from her but if you were to tell him it would destroy him. So, we are stuck in the middle knowing what we know and just hoping that everything works out in the end".

A silence spreads out, and I look around the table. "But I don't want to even think about Kate right now so can we change the subject please?"