The evils of being bilingual

Harry wasn't sure what made him do it. He wasn't even aware of deciding to do it. All he knew was that his legs were carrying him forward as though he was on casters and that he had shouted stupidly at the snake,"Leave him alone!" And while he was surprised that snake actually listened to him, the fact that another voice had yelled the same plea in tandem stunned him just as much. He was even more stunned when he recognized the voice's owner as his friend Hermione. And so while everyone tried to figure out what was going on silence reigned in the Great Hall.

A couple of moments later all hell broke loose, Justin told Harry his thoughts about sending the snake after him as some sort of scaly assassin and then swiftly ran off some seconds later. Ron was swivelling his head back and forth between Harry and Hermione in abject shock. The rest of the school population exploded in noisy whispering. By the time Harry and his two friends had gathered themselves and were on their way out of the hall there was at least some movement in the crowd, namely away from the two snake whisperers.

As Harry was walking through a sea of students parting before him with Hermione and Ron by his side, he was very confused. This was not necessarily a new sensation for him given that he was rather clueless about the Wizarding World. However he would quite like to know why everyone was looking at him like he might murder their nan at her weekly knitting club. And so he turned to Hermione the moment they were outside the Great Hall. But before he could get his question out Hermione gave a strangled laugh
"Apparently I am a parseltongue now"
Before she could start a rant of some description Ron quickly interrupted

"Not here, come on" and so Ron kept walking and pulled the three of them in the first abandoned classroom he could find

As they found their seats Ron couldn't contain himself and burst out
"You are parselmouths! Both of you! Why didn't you tell me?"
"I'm a what?" said Harry

"Parselmouth, it means you can talk to snakes" Hermione explained faintly
"Oh well yes I knew that" said Harry " I mean its only the second time I have done it, a boa constrictor told me once it had never been to Brazil one time, long story, and then I sort of set if free"
"I had absolutely no idea I was one, this is the first time I have seen a snake really" Hermione added
Ron opened and closed his mouth a few times "Right"

When it looked like no one else was gonna say something Harry went on
"Well what's the big deal, I bet loads of people can do it"
"That's the thing, they can't" Ron said "It's not a very common gift. Harry, this is bad."
"How is it bad, I mean we told the snake to leave Justin alone-" Harry said

"Oh is that what you said" Ron interrupted
"Well yeah, didn't you hear us" Harry said quizzically

"Nah, just sort of sounded like hissing to me" Ron said
"I spoke a different language? It just sounded like English to me. How do you speak a different language without knowing you're doing it!" Harry exclaimed.

"Look, that isn't important right now" Hermione cut in "What is important is what everyone will think now"
"What will they think" Harry asked warily, well aware how fickle wizards were
"That we're dark" Hermione explained "parseltongue has always been thought of as a dark art. Slytherin was famous for being a parselmouth, it's why the symbol of Slytherin house is a snake"
"Exactly" said Ron "And now everyone's going to think you're his heir or something"
"But I'm not" Harry stammered "And what about Hermione! She's a muggleborn!"
"You'll find it hard to prove you're not, I mean he lived thousands of years ago" Hermione said "As for what they'll think I am... I honestly have no clue"
"Well that's a first" Ron said
"Oh shut up"

The next day dawned as it usually did, although with a lot more rumours abound compared to yesterday. For Harry himself nothing much changed. From the rumours going around the school he got the idea that his abilities were an afterthoughts to Hermione's. And while in another time the knowledge of a parselmouth would be met with suspicion and hostility it was now mixed in with confusion. Apparently parseltongue was considered a hereditary ability. And since Hermione was muggleborn the reception was... varied.

Throughout the first couple of days since what the three of them now called 'the incident' a few odd things happened. Fred and George thought it was hilarious that not one but two parselmouths had slithered into the school. As such they made sure to pay 'appropriate respect' to the newly declared Dark Lord and Dark Lady, because being bilingual(or trilingual in Hermione's case) was incredibly evil and worthy of the utmost fear. They got asked to translate a couple of times by a first year Ravenclaw named Luna and while she probably didn't mean to cause headaches all three of them agreed that she really should have a warning sign somewhere. The strangest conversations however took place between the trio and certain groups of Slytherins.

The first of such conversations took place with two people they weren't really familiar with, namely Daphne Greengrass and Tracey Davis. The first generally tried to look ice-cold but really just looked lukewarm while the second mostly spent her time looking bubblier than a jacuzzi.
"Potter, Weasley, Granger" came the voice of Daphne one morning as they were walking down the hall
"Can we help you" Hermione politely responded unaware of their identity since they really had better things to do than pay attention to their classmates.
"Parseltongue is rather useful ability isn't it" Daphne went on completely ignoring the muggleborn as was expected of her.
"Uhhhhh, not really? I mean you don't really see too many snakes around." Harry said questioningly

"Unless they're wearing green robes" Ron sniggered

"Certain people will be able to help you leverage your gifts in opportune ways while other people will let such a tremendous ability languish by the wayside" Daphne continued on, throwing Ron a glare

"..."

"..."

"uh, I will keep it in mind" Harry half said half asked

"See that you do" Daphne said

Having said her piece Daphne promptly turned around and left

Going after her friend Tracey looked back to them "Great to meet you guys!"

Staring after the two Slytherins the trio was left befuddled
"Did she just try to play politics?" Harry asked after some time had passed

"I think so" Ron confirmed

"She remembers that she is twelve right?" Hermione asked

"I don't think she sees the problem with that" Harry said

"The least she could have done was make a decent speech, she just said two sentences. They weren't even proper English" Hermione huffed "Languish by the wayside, honestly. Did she pull out a magical thesaurus or something?"

"What's a thesaurus" Ron asked
"Something people use to make themselves seem smarter" Hermione said, still annoyed

"Perfect for you mate!" Harry said grinning

"Oi!"

The conversation between the golden trio and the two random Slytherins played itself out many times between people who had thus far only communicated with them via glares. As such it was quite humorous when those people tried to subtly get Harry and Hermione to support their ideas, or rather their parents ideas. The younger people failed absolutely miserably at the subtle part. On the other hand the upper-years were much subtler, of course the subtlety didn't help them because a seventeen year old randomly talking to a bunch of twelve year olds was weird and quite frankly creepy. Some conversations were more entertaining than others, but the one thing they all had in common was that they failed miserably in their goals.

Strangely enough, while almost all Slytherins tried to become 'friends' with them Malfoy just kept his distance. Occasionally he would glare at them but really Malfoy already did that so they just ignored him. Throughout the days that followed the only thing of note that really happened were the snippets of the Daily Prophet that proclaimed the existence of two parselmouths, with one being muggleborn. This was not terribly noteworthy since everything got shunted to page 42 of the paper. And so life went on.

"But think about it, talking with snakes must be magic!" Ron said while they were walking to Charms
"Well of course it is, we talk in in hisses. Not English or hersses but in hisses, no human could make those sounds without magic. And that is without taking in account the fact that I spoke it without learning how to." Hermione answered exasperated
"Well there you go, magic language means secret magic." Ron said triumphantly
Hermione sighed "No Ron, it doesn't. Why exactly do you think we cast in bastardized Latin?"
"Because it is a magical language obviously"
"No Ron it is because we have no association with words in Latin whereas everyone has their own association with English words."
"Guys" Harry interrupted, pointing down the hall "Do you see that?"
"Bloody hell" Ron said "Is that Justin?"
While they were walking towards Justin, who was stiffer than most statues and quite a bit uglier as well, a flood of students suddenly came around the corner to see the Trio standing over his body

Of course this development turned the people who were still confused about the nature of bilingual people into people who decided that there was no greater sin than knowing two languages. After an uncomfortable conversation involving a rooster and a half-giant, the headmaster of the school assured them that he thinks speaking snake sounds super sweet, surely suspicion should stop. Of course he would do nothing about this, as was the way of people in charge. As a consequence of the increased hostility the trio pulled themselves back from the general populace. This would lead to them often being found muttering to each other in dark corners which... didn't help matters. Nevertheless they kept calm and carried on

Two weeks after the unfortunate situation the golden Trio got mail. Specifically mail from the Ministry of Magic, MOM for short, and since getting mail from the government is not something people look forward to the trio looked at each other worriedly.
"What do you think they want" Hermione asked worriedly
" Reckon they say that in the letter Hermione" Ron replied already grabbing his letter
"Right, right, well let's open them then"
A few seconds later there were three open letters on the table
"Hey guys, does yours say the same thing?" Harry asked
"That depends on what your letter says Harry" Hermione replied sounding mildly confused
"Oh right, well I says that I've been summoned to a Wizengamot meeting a week from now"
"In that case, mine says the same thing"
"Mine as well" Ron replied sounding uncharacteristically worried

Later that that day professor McGonnagall asked them to stay behind after class
"I presume Mr Potter and Ms Granger have been summoned to attend the upcoming Wizengamot session?" She asked the moment they were alone
"Ron as well professor" Hermione replied
"Truly? That is unexpected"
"What does that mean?!" Ron said offended

"The meeting is about the 'Re-emergence of hereditary skills and the possibility of Blood-status misclassification', since the meeting seems to be about the fact that Mr Potter and Ms Granger are Parselmouths I do not understand why they would need you" McGonnagall said one eyebrow
rising
"Oh" Ron said

"But why do you need to talk to us about it professor" Hermione asked
McGonnagall sniffed "The Wizengamot is a collection of monkeys in robes who all think they are writing Shakespeare. As such I thought you might like some help navigating that ...environment"
"Oh thank you professor, of course we do" Hermione said quickly
"Perhaps you should confer with your friends before answering" McGonnagall said her eyebrows having eclipsed a 45 degree angle to each other
"Right" Hermione said blushing
"I think Hermione is right" Ron said
"Really!?" Harry and Hermione said at the same time
"What? Dad's told me stories about the Wizengamot, called it a minefield without any gold"

"So will you accept my offer?" McGonnagall said her lips looking less thin than normal
"Yes professor, we will" Harry said
"Wonderful, since I do not have time today I expect you tomorrow at 8 in the evening at my office" McGonnagall said "If for some reason we cannot go through with our lesson, it will be the same time the next day. For now I will give you some small advice, the Wizengamot cares only for a few things, how many of your ancestors were wizards, how rich you are and if you are dangerous to them. A few members might care for doing the right thing if the mood strikes them but that will never matter. Any questions?"
"Errr, where is your office?" Ron asked
"You go right from this classroom and then take the second left, the third right ,the first left and then straight on" McGonnagall replied
"Thank you" Hermione said
"It is no trouble"

And so over the next few days the trio got lesson in appeasing the Wizengamot. This consisted of various types of lessons. The most common was the etiquette of the place (or as Ron said 'The secret handshakes of rich people'), then there were some lessons about the recent history of everything that happened. Those kind of lessons didn't occur often since very little actually got done, and lastly there were some lessons in politics. In other words the golden trio learned how to be spiteful, hateful and all around unpleasant people while putting up a veneer of civility. For some reason they always showered for an hour after their lessons.

Finally the day came that the three of them were to present themselves to the Wizengamot. After breakfast McGonnagall met them in the entrance hall to escort them there.
"Now we will go to the Leaky Cauldron using the Floo and then we will walk towards the Ministry" McGonnagall explained "After I have brought you there I will need to wait outside since I am not part of the Wizengamot, any Questions?"
"If you are not part of the Wizengamot how did you know what to teach us?" Hermione said looking vaguely worried
"Oh that is simple, I have to endure Albus's ranting after every session. You pick some things up, off we go now, we mustn't be late"

After a nauseating trip by the Floo and a walk through London where Ron had his mouth open more time than not("Those 'metal boxes' are called cars Ron, it's how muggles move around") they came upon a phone booth in a curiously empty street.
"Right, we are now at the Ministry of Magic" McGonagall said
"Uhhh professor?" Hermione said "That is a phone booth"
"This is just the entrance Miss Granger, now we must get in the box" McGonagall said

"In the box?" Harry said sceptically "Looks a bit small"
"We will fit, now come on"

True to professor McGonagall's word they did in fact fit inside the box even if Harry found it stupidly tight for an entrance to the Ministry. Upon thinking about it further he decided it did make sense that the Ministry had little regard for their visitors. Just then the phone booth started speaking to them.
"Welcome to the Ministry of Magic, please state your name and business"

"Minerva McGonagall, escorting Hermione Granger, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley to a Wizengamot meeting"
A second later the machine shot out four badges for them
"Thank you, Visitors please take the corresponding badge and attach it to the front of your robes"
Harry looked at the badges, he handed to one that said 'Minerva McGonagall, bodyguard' to professor McGonagall, the one with 'Hermione Granger, in trouble' to Hermione and the one containing 'Ron Weasley, not in trouble' to Ron. Lastly he kept the one with 'Harry Potter, too famous to be in trouble' for himself.

When they walked into the Atrium they came upon a golden statue, where wizards had decided that the other magical races actually admired then. Harry thought that there might be the smallest bit of truth in there. Only with the house-elves mind, those guys felt like weird cultists. The centaur and goblin part were obviously nonsense. The relationship between wizards and them was about as frigid as Thatchers heart. Looking at Hermione he could see he was not alone in his bafflement. Ron on the other hand didn't even blink, more than the regular amount at least, probably because he was used to wizards acting like morons.
"Well come along children, best not dally" McGonagall said
"Professor, this statue is ridiculous" Hermione burst out
"You will see much greater dim-wittedness before you leave, much greater indeed" McGonagall said

And so they kept walking through the ministry dodging havoc on one side and walking past insanity on the other. Eventually they got to the actual courtroom after they had a very uncomfortable elevator ride where some guy kept staring at Harry's face. When they approached the big black door McGonagall turned to them "I am afraid I will have to leave you now, remember what I taught you and do us proud"
"We'll try Professor" Ron said solemnly "We'll try"

And so they strode into the hall of judgment. The first thing they saw were two affronts to both fashion and the human eye. Before they could take in their other surroundings the lime-green monstrosity began to speak while the pink one just stared hatefully.
"Welcome! It is good to have you here, my name is Cornelius Fudge Minister of Magic. Don't worry we will sort this whole misunderstanding out. Nasty business it is but I am sure we can come to an agreeable solution."
Stepping forward Harry responded "Good morning Minister, I have every faith that we will come to solution that will please all parties at the end of this meeting."
"Quite so my boy, quite so" the affront to fashion now identified as the Minister replied
"Hem-hem" the pink monstrosity coughed "We really should get going minister, these … children surely need to be in school"
"Right you are Dolores, right you are. Well then lets just get started eh?"

"The first item on our agenda is about the re-emergence of a trait that has not been seen for decades, namely the ability to speak parseltongue. I now give leave to the members of the Wizengamot to ask their question of our three guests" Fudge said, somehow in one breath
A short man in a huge top-hat was the first one to stand up

"My name is Dedalus Diggle, lovely to see you again Mr Potter. I would like to ask you and miss … errr" "Granger" "Granger whether or not you knew that you were parselmouths before this year?"
"A very good question Mr Diggle" Harry said watching the man puff up "While I had talked to a snake once before, I thought that quite a few Wizards and Witches had that capability and as such did not think it was worth mentioning"
"What a humble boy you are Mr Potter, thinking that everyone is as gifted as you. What a humble boy" Fudge interrupted
"Unlike Harry, I had never talked to snake before and so had no idea I was a parselmouth" Hermione said, being met with naught but silence and contempt

A few seconds later a woman with a stuffed vulture hat stood up to ask a question. Astonishingly enough she actually made the ridiculous hat seem stately and dignified.
"Augusta Longbottom, I would like to shed some light on the incident where it came to light that the both of you are parselmouths. Could you please explain what exactly happened"
"Certainly Madam Longbottom, the entire incident occurred during a duelling club set up by professor Lockhart who was assisted by professor Snape. Both professors thought that it would be beneficial to have a demonstration duel by students. They proceeded to choose myself and Draco Malfoy for said duel. A minute or two in the duel Mr Malfoy summoned a snake. When professor Lockhart tried to make sure the snake did not bite me it regrettably landed next to Justin Finch-Fletchley. When it tried attack him both myself and Hermione yelled at the snake to stop and it did. Professor Snape then proceeded to swiftly dispatch the snake" Harry said

"Very enlightening Mr Potter, thank you" Madam Longbottom said sitting down

The next person that stood up was the one they were dreading the most
"Lucius Malfoy, I would like to inquire about how the two of you got this ability, especially Miss Granger" The blonde boogeyman asked
"Presumably we were born with the ability Mr Malfoy, none of us have done any magic that is abnormal for people our age and it is widely recognized that Parseltongue is a hereditary ability and as such not the result of an individual's action" Harry said, barely keeping his anger in check

Malfoy however did not sit down yet "I concede that you might have inherited the ability but Miss Granger is a muggleborn, it seems more likely that she stole the ability from someone"
"While it is an ...interesting theory. It has a few faulty assumptions, for instance when am I supposed have done that. There are three time-periods where I could have 'stolen' the ability to speak another language. The first is before I came to Hogwarts when I had neither training, a wand or the knowledge that magic existed. This is patently ridiculous. The second time-period is when I was in Hogwarts where I would have to perform such a powerful feat of magic under Dumbledore's nose and decide to not share said magic with my friends. The third time-period is when I was at home between first and second year and was thus under Ministry surveillance. As you can see it is not feasibly possible for me to have acquired the ability artificially" Hermione said disregarding the advice to let the Wizengamot speak with Harry Potter and not a muggle-born
Malfoy did not look happy but he sat down anyway.

And so the questions went on, for a long long time. Some questions were completely unrelated "How did you defeat You-know-who?" "I don't know"
Some others were remarkably stupid "How do we know you won't overrun the ministry with your army of snakes" "Because I am a second year and there are several hundred qualified wizards in the ministry"
Quite a few sought to undermine Hermione "How can we be certain miss Granger actually spoke Parseltongue and she didn't hallucinate?" "The entire school heard her speak it"
Very few questions were actually good "How do you think your ability will influence your school-years?" "We think our school years will not be impacted outside the possibility that our gifts will be studied for a better understanding of such an elusive ability"

Of course there were some utterly bizarre questions too "Have you communed with the snakes to make sure Hogwarts is not and will not be invaded by Heliopaths?" "Err no"

Eventually the questioning wound down and the lime-green Fudge stood once again.
"I think this is a good time to wrap up our first topic and go on to the second item on our agenda, if anyone would like to make an argument I invite you to do so"
A very formal looking man stood up and started to speak "Cyrus Greengrass. As we all know parseltongue is an inherited ability from the Slytherin bloodline. As such it is absolutely impossible for Miss Granger to be a muggleborn, and as such it is much likelier that she is an orphan who was adopted by a muggle family."

Immediately after Mr Greengrass sat down and before anyone had the chance to respond a woman stood up. "How can we know that it is only an inherited ability and not just a rare one, there have been rumours about parselmouths on other continents. That is not even taking into account-"
"Your name for the records, please" Fudge interrupted

"Pardon me?" the woman responded blinking owlishly

"Every statement must the start with the speakers name for the records of the proceeding, if you do not give us your name or violate it once more you will be escorted out" Fudge continued almost robotically. The woman was gaping for a good dozen seconds before she responded "Hestia Jones, my name is Hestia Jones"
"You may continue"
"As I was saying, for something to become an inherited ability it must come into being somehow, how do we know that is not what is happening here"

As she finished, Harry could see Hermione beginning to formulate a response but before she could finish the bloody blond boogeyman begun speaking once more.
"Lucius Malfoy, I have it on good authority that Miss Granger is a very talented witch, being one the best students in her year. In fact she is the best in most subjects while being second in only Defence, Herbology and Potions. I feel this lends further credence to the theory that Miss Granger is in fact a war orphan instead of a ...muggleborn"

Hermionse started swelling in indignation(not literally) but Harry saw that a disturbing amount of people nodding along to Malfoy's argument. Before Hermione had recovered enough to speak the debate went on ignoring her once more. Unfortunately Harry could see that the real opinions had already been formed and this was just for show. And so the three friends sat in silence listening to the same arguments over and over again. Harry and Ron grew more and more bored, Hermione on the other hand went from looked insulted to looking angry before progressing to livid. After that she looked like she was contemplating becoming a serial killer before settling on resignation. After a while the three of them started playing rock-paper-scissors while the government was busy with less mature matters. Two hours later with Hermione firmly in the lead for their tournament a gavel rang out.

"I think we have heard enough arguments to come to a final conclusion regarding this matter, yes I think we have" Fudge said "All those in favour of reclassifying Hermione Granger as a pureblood light your wand green. All those against light your wand red"
Harry suddenly saw a sea of green with a few specks of red dotted about

"95 for and 6 against, the motion passes. Congratulations Miss Granger you are now officially a pureblood, for more information on your new privileges visit the DMLE on your way out. The Meeting is now adjounred, good day to everyone." Fudge said before immediately leaving while his pink pet tried to keep up.

While Hermione was undoubtedly smart enough to know that this verdict was coming after listening to the 'discussion' of the last hour it was still shocking and she was a bit stunned. After they got out of the Wizengamot chamber they quickly found McGonagall once more. As soon as she saw the trio come out she started talking "Are you alright? What happened, you seem a bit dazed Miss Granger"
"They decided parseltongue was not something to be culled and also that Hermione is a pureblood that was adopted by a muggle family" Harry said
McGonagall blinked, once, twice and yet she wasn't sold "Miss Granger is a pureblood" she asked baffled

"Apparently" Harry replied

"Miss Granger, the witch that grew up in the muggle world. Who looks like a spitting image of her mother. Whose parents specifically told me she wasn't adopted?!" McGonagall said still shocked
"Yup"

Blinking even more McGonagall started to lead them back to Hogwarts. They travelled back in silenced. Once they stepped through the floo in the antechamber McGonagall broke the silence "Go on to your dormitories, I will need to debrief Albus of what happened"
"Wait isn't he Chief Warlock, where was he during the hearing?" Ron asked

"He wasn't invited due to concerns of impartiality, oh you three have the rest of the day off" McGonagall replied already walking away
"Where should we go?" Ron asked
"Library?" Harry suggested

With no counteroffers the three of them set off towards the library, Hermione still in shock. When they got there Harry started talking "What should we do, Transfiguration, Charms, Herbology? Hermione, what do you think? Hermione? Say something Hermione"
Hermione just plopped down at the nearest table and put her head in her arms. After several moments of silence she finally spoke
"What the fuck is wrong with this country!?"

Hello, it has been a bit. Have another HP oneshot, this one is quite a lot longer than all of my other chapters I've written. As I said in Twice to live I will stop with WOT until I have read the books again but as you can see I have written other things. And with the university year over I have a lot more free time, I dont know how much I will write but I can write at least. I don´t rightly know when I thought of this concept but I do think it is a very fun one and I would love to see it made into an actual story. I just dont know where the story could have gone, so if you think you can write something fun with the concept be my guest. Just shoot me a message if you do. I have my eye on two other projects I want to write, one is a decently short HTTYD watching fic that might expand to the shows if I want. I do have a lot of stuff done in an Advance Wars fic. Not so much the actual writing but how it would work in an actual story. The fic would be about the same length as I want Twice to live to be, but since that world has much less lore and moving parts than WOT of time it will be a lot easier to write. I also have a few HP oneshot concepts, two as silly as this and the last one and one that is a lot more serious. I also have an idea for a dark PJO story, but I am not gonna write that anytime soon. I dont think my writing is quite up to par for that concept.

I hope you enjoyed, please review and until next time

-Rallar