Hey, I'm not one for author notes at the beginning of a story but I'm putting it out now, trigger warning for suicidal ideation and suicide. If you can't handle that just skip down to the author notes at the bottom, please, I have an announcement down there. (YD)
Ben's stomach dropped as his mind refused to process what he was seeing. "It's gone." He said in a hoarse whisper. He curled up, holding his knees close to his chest. He expected himself to cry but after the shock wore away, he didn't feel anything, he felt as numb and hollow as ever.
Ben stood up, his legs like jelly, and walked down the street. He had no idea where he was going but felt as if he needed to move. He swayed with each step, his shoulder slamming into the building he walked next to. "What am I going to do now?" He murmured aloud. "Can't be a hero. Am I doomed to live in a world where evil wins?" He let out a sad chuckle. "Who am I kidding; I lost the watch because I'm evil."
The thought made him stop in his tracks, he had said it sarcastically, but it wasn't a lie. "I am evil." He said again. He collapsed to the dirty sidewalk as a lone car zoomed by. "When did that happen?" His voice cracked and he let out a broken chuckle. "When did I cross the line and become a villain?" He let out a long sigh and leaned his head against the wall. "The only thing that would make this more melodramatic would be if it was raining."
He took in a deep breath in and let it out slowly, only idiots wrestled with their morality. He took a minute to access what was on him. It wasn't much, five now useless tracers, his wallet and his phone which was dead. He idly played with the tracer, accidentally activating the locking mechanism and stabbed his thumb. He cursed and shook the blade out of his finger. "Stupid thing." He mumbled with his thumb in his mouth to stop the bleeding.
"Great, now I'm a baby, sucking my thumb in the middle of the street." Ben grumbled, standing up. Being still was unbearable at that moment so he continued his aimless wondering. No matter how hard he tried to shake off the thought that he was unforgivably evil he couldn't, it consumed him. He tried to dismiss his actions as justified as he always did. Usually it worked and he could go on living his twisted life, but for some reason the thought just wouldn't leave him. He had to face the fact that if Ben had ever come across someone who did the kinds of things he did, he would deem them as evil and kill them.
"They should have just killed me." Ben said. Why didn't they? After all the crimes he committed it was the only suitable punishment. "This is just hell!" Ben cried out in frustration. "How dare they just…" His voice trailed off, unable to sustain the anger. "They should have just killed me." He whispered. Ben could not conceive of a reason why Azmuth and Professor Paradox would let him live other than to torture him.
He eventually wandered into an area of the city that was more active, bars and a few diners were open, and he decided to stop in for a drink. It was definitely a low-class establishment, the dim yellow lighting and dark furniture being a dead giveaway. The air was thick with the smell of cigarette smoke and strands of it hung lazily in the air. Ben sat on the uncomfortable leather barstool and ordered a jack on the rocks.
Ben sighed and stared at his bare wrist, he felt naked and vulnerable without the watch and it only added to his stress. When the amber drink was set down in front of him, he drank it in two swallows, burning his throat terribly. "Take it easy, man." The gruff bartender said in surprise.
"It's been a terrible day." Ben said and then motioned for another drink.
"Does it have something to do with the blood and bruises on your knuckles?" The bartender asked casually as he handed Ben another drink.
Ben self-consciously wiped his knuckles on his pants. "Yeah, kind of." He took a slow sip from the lowball glass. He drank slowly and steadily, every time his glass emptied, he ordered another. "Hey." Ben said to the bartender, grabbing his fifth drink. "What would you do if you met a killer, like, you knew that this guy had killed a lot of people." He spoke with his hands, almost spilling the drink. "Ted Bundy type of person."
The bartender took the drink out of Ben's hand and placed on the counter in front of him. He had a thoughtful look on his face as he pondered the question for a minute. "If I knew he was a murderer I'd kill him. I don't mind going to jail to avenge others."
"Now what if you were the killer." Ben said, grabbing his drink and taking another sip. His thoughts were slowed, and he had to concentrate on the glass to grab it. "What if suddenly you felt guilty for all your wrong doings." He gave the bartender an intense stare.
"If a murderer was actually sorry for what he did he'd off himself." The bartender said with a shrug.
Ben let out a bark of laughter. "Eye for an eye type of guy huh?"
"Only fair. Kill yourself before you have a chance to justify what you did to yourself." He said harshly.
"That's cruel." Ben said with a chuckle. He laid his head on his arms while he waited to take another sip.
"That's your last drink buddy." The bartender said. "I'll call you a cab."
He started to walk away when Ben said, "I don't got anywhere to go." He then thought of a quick reason why. "Wife kicked me out, said never come back." Even drunk Ben was a good liar.
"In that case there's a hotel just down the street. Big skyscraper, can't miss it." The bartender said and then paused. "I'll tell you what, you seem like a young man just down on his luck, I'll pay for you to stay the night there."
"How kind of you." Ben slurred and then finished his drink in one gulp. He paid the bartender and the man even took the time to point out the large hotel just a few buildings down from them. Ben staggered down the street, more drunk than he'd like to admit.
When he walked into the lobby the receptionist was already expecting him. "You must be our new arrival." She said cheerfully.
"He actually did it." Ben muttered aloud. He walked up to the pretty receptionist and got his key card. She told him where he was staying and wished him a goodnight. The room was cold, cookie cutter and had an overpowering perfume sprayed in it. He threw open the curtains to see his view obstructed by the brick wall of the neighboring building. "What's even the point of having a window then." Ben said. He wasn't surprised though, he was only on the third story and its neighbor was at least ten.
"I wonder if this place has a mini bar." Ben muttered and started searching for one. "Ha-ha! Score!" He exclaimed victoriously as he found the small bottles of liquor and other various items. He started downing the small bottles quickly. "Oh, wait, this shit is probably really expensive." Ben said, in realization but then after a moment shrugged it off and continued drinking.
Ben's stomach twisted suddenly as his body finally told him to knock it off with the drinking. Hanging onto the cool toilet for a few minutes longer while waiting for the room to stop spinning he contemplated what that bartender said. His thoughts were interrupted when his stomach heaved again. "Maybe he's right." Ben said, his voice echoing around the bowl. "He didn't even know my situation and he knew what I should do." He vomited one more time, his stomach completely emptying.
He laid on his back, the cold floor comforting but the blue florescent lights blinding. A flood of sadness and depression hit him all at once, he couldn't bury his guilt or pain anymore. He broke down in sobs every regret he ever felt or ever pushed away coming back to haunt him. What was wrong with him? He had done such evil acts under the guise of a greater good, of stopping those worse than him. Was he ever really a hero or was he just an arrogant kid with a power too great for him at the time?
"That Ben seemed to have such a great life. He seemed happy and in control. He seemed to get along with his Gwen so well." He mused aloud. He let out a broken sob of laughter. "I always thought that it was everyone else's fault I was so unhappy. Isn't that a scary thought?" He paused for a moment, realizing that he was talking out loud. "I must sound insane." He said, turning his head and looking at the small bathtub. He wiped the tears away that were blurring his vision.
Ben tried desperately to stop thinking, pulling at his hair to try and focus on something else. All he could think of was all the people he killed, it didn't matter if they were guilty or not, they appeared in his mind with scornful expression. "Stop it, get out!" He cried out of desperation. He curled in on himself and slammed his head against the uncaring tile. "I'm sorry!" He said, massive tears rolling down his face. "Just leave me alone." He whined.
The most horrifying vision played out in his mind, he could see it clear as day. Grandpa Max with his guts hanging out of him shaking his head disapprovingly. "Oh God," Ben whispered, his breath catching in his throat. "He'd hate me." With that thought Ben felt something in him snap, like a thin wire pulled too taught, he suddenly stopped crying. For a few minutes his brain paused, and he laid there – staring at the wall bath – a sad, broken man. He sat up automatically, as if he was a puppet being pulled up by marionette strings.
Ben stood up, the thought of what he had to do already in his mind. He took one last look at himself in the mirror, he looked awful. His hair was messy, and his eyes were red, and face blotched with pink. A small smile played across his lips as he walked out of his room. When he got to the elevator, he picked the top floor and stumbled to the back of the small box, his stomach twisting when he started to rise. The beep of the elevator warned that the elevator was about to open, and Ben prepared himself to walk out, his drunkenness effecting his coordination heavily.
Looking down the hall he saw that there was one room at the very end of the hall, and he headed there, almost tripping over himself. Ben felt no fear, yet his heart raced as he raised his hand to knock on the door. He pounded on the door, sure that the occupant would be asleep by now. Luckily there was someone in there, a yelp confirmed that. Ben knocked again, impatiently.
"Who the fuck are you?" A woman asked, answering the door in a beautiful silk robe.
"Company." Ben said irritably as he bowled her over and entered her room.
"Now wait just a hot minute, you can't just barge in my room at three in the morning!" The blonde said in a huff, grabbing Ben by the shoulder. "My God, you smell like a bar. You're drunk!"
She was getting in his way and it was really starting to get on Ben's nerves. Ben spun around and slammed her against the narrow entrance hall wall. "Listen here you stuck up little bitch." Ben hissed as he placed his hands over her shoulders to hold her in place. "Just because I'm drunk doesn't mean I'm not dangerous." He looked into her dark brown eyes and repressed the urge to hit her. "I will be out of your hair in a minute if you just leave me the fuck alone." He said and let go of her. Ben went over to her window and looked down, he had a perfect view of the streets below.
"What are you doing?" She asked as Ben picked up the desk chair but then screamed when Ben slammed it into the window. Ben stumbled backwards, not prepared for the kickback he'd experience. He looked to see a small crack had formed in the glass. "Hey!" The woman yelled trying to get Ben's attention.
"What?" Ben snapped as he spun to face her.
"Just what the fuck do you think you're doing?" She asked, a fire in her eyes.
"I was planning on killing myself. Wanna join me?" Ben said bluntly turning around to strike the window with the chair again. The crack widened.
The woman grabbed his shoulders and kicked at the backside of his knee, causing him to fall. "Why the hell do you want to kill yourself?" She asked as he laid stunned on the thin carpeting.
"Done some real bad things." Ben said as he got back up, using the chair that he never let go of to prop himself up. "Can't live with myself." Ben said as he struck the glass for a third time.
"Surely you got something to live for." The woman said, now more gently.
"Nope, nothing that outweighs what I've done." A fourth strike punctuated his sentence. The crack started to spiderweb across the window.
"What's your name?" The woman asked.
"Not falling for it." Ben said bluntly, preparing to strike again but leaning too far back and stumbling.
"What have you done that is so bad that you resort to taking your own life." She asked frustratedly.
Ben charged the window with the chair, finally shattering it. He through the chair to the side and faced the stranger. "I have killed more people that I can count, and I loved it." He said, staring the woman in the eyes intensely.
"If you loved it so much why are you trying to off yourself?" She retorted.
Ben let out an angry laugh. "Because I now realize just how evil of a human being I am and I can't do it anymore. I can't live with this guilt and so I won't." Ben said, throwing his arms out in frustration. The wind whistled invitingly just outside.
"So what? Are you just going to kill yourself like a coward instead of facing the consequences of your actions? Do you really think that killing yourself will bring anyone closure or avenge any family? It won't, it's pointless. You can't become a hero by dying, that's not the way the world works." She ranted, speaking passionately from the heart.
Ben lashed out in anger, grabbing her by her robe, turning her around and dangling her out of the window; she screamed shrilly. "I am dying tonight!" Ben screamed in rage. "It's your choice whether you go with me or not, I don't mind." He shook her once, causing her to scream even more frantically.
"I don't want to die!" She cried. Ben pulled her back in and threw her to the floor.
"Hopefully you won't go to Hell, but if you do, I'll see you there." Ben said and without another word, without hesitation, leapt out of the window.
For a second, he was afraid, his stomach riding up into his throat but then a memory came to him that eased him. He remembered the first time he went Stinkfly and soared through the sky, this almost felt the same. He closed his eyes and smiled, letting his last thoughts be of when he was an innocent boy flying for the first time.
So that was a lot. I can't say it was fun to write but I knew from the beginning that this is where it was going to end up. This is the first story I ever ended, and I hope that you enjoyed it. Though, that leads me to a thought that I want to share with you guys. Ben had a choice to make a chapter back, wonder what would happen if he chose to go down the other road. How would you guys like to hear that story; hear how Ben recovers and becomes a better person. Thing is that if no one want to hear it then I'm not going to write it, so please, let me know if this isn't where you want the story to end. I do have to say that if I explore the other option it will lengthen the story quite a bit as there's a lot of content to cover there. (YD)