CHAPTER 37

(GRACE)

I look around the dining table and all I can see is my children hiding. None of them are showing their true emotions. I have learnt over the years how to spot this fake façade. It was Christian who taught me to recognise it as he kept us all at arm's length for years. It has only been recently that I have seen him display his true feelings and emotions. I glance at Ana, she is the person who was responsible for this transformation in my younger son, she managed to reach him when we all failed him for his entire childhood.

Therefore, it is ironic that it should be a situation which involves Ana which has caused Elliot and Mia to show fake facades to the family. Elliot and Mia have always been open books. Elliot in particular has always worn his heart on his sleeve and you knew exactly how he was feeling without him saying a word. I look at him now and he has an impassive look on his face much like the one Christian has worn for years and that cracks into a forced smile when we speak to him. I don't blame Ana for everything that has happened, as she was as clueless as everyone else when she was approached out of the blue by Eva and I think she is also dealing with her own emotions regarding everything that has happened.

I think about everything that has happened over the past few weeks and so much has. I still wonder if Christian blames me and Carrick for our… neglect. It is still hard for me to accept that I did neglect my younger son. I was so focussed on giving him a decent home and making him feel secure in the knowledge that nobody was going to harm him that I completely failed to help him overcome the accompanying phobias he had developed as a result of his early life, and that left him vulnerable to further abuse in his teenage years.

I now feel as though our family is breaking apart. Christian has found his birth family and is naturally curious about them and has gone to visit them a couple of times now. He is focussed on arranging the reburial of his birth parents so that they can rest together, which while admirable is also making me feel pushed aside. It is a childish and very selfish emotion, and I know my fears are unfounded but I feel as though I had only just recently got him back and now he is pulling away again. I know Carrick has the same feelings. He feels nothing but regret for the way he has behaved over the years and he is desperately trying to make up for his past behaviour.

I look at Elliot, he is dealing with the rejection of his birth mother and while I have tried to comfort him when he showed me her letter a small part of me was relieved that she didn't want to see him. I feel awful for feeling like that but I just can't help it. I was surprised when I discovered that he had replied to her letter. I was also a little hurt that he turned to Christian and Ana for advice on whether or not he should send it. However, Ana is his biological sister so once again I feel a degree of guilt for these selfish emotions. He has gone through so much recently, the disintegration of his marriage to Kate and the fact he is now a single parent. Then to discover the truth about his parentage and his link to his own brothers' wife. I wonder how Christian is dealing with that? I know he is extremely protective towards Ana. He loves her so completely, some would say he is obsessed with her. I wonder how he feels knowing that the person he grew up with and looked upon as his brother shares blood with his wife and that Elliot has a closer link to her and vice versa than he ever will. It must be unsettling at the very least for him as I am certain he will feel that his security is being challenged by this state of affairs.

I look at Mia, my baby daughter. She has felt the ramifications of everything that has happened keenly and yet she isn't involved in any of it. All of a sudden, she has had to contend with the fact her big brother who has always doted on her now has two other sisters to focus his attention on. Sisters who he is biologically linked to and naturally she feels threatened by that. She already felt as though she had lost one brother when Christian married Ana. He so completely adored and spoilt her it was a huge thing when Ana came into his life and he focussed his attention on her instead. I know Mia was jealous of his relationship with Ana but that warred with the knowledge that he had fallen in love and was happy. So, she kept quiet and unfortunately her resentment grew as a result so when everything came out about Ana being related to Elliot, she just couldn't contain it any longer and made some rather unfortunate comments.

She called me in tears about the conversation she'd had with Christian after she had spoken to Ana and while I understood why he had said the things he had, as Ana wasn't to blame and it was unfair of Mia to be so nasty towards her, which I had pointed out to her and she had agreed that she had been unfair. I was a little shocked at just how blunt he was with her. I don't think she expected her devoted elder brother to speak to her in such a manner either. Thankfully though I think they cleared the air. I know she went to see them and Elliot was there and from what she told me, they talked everything through. I still think she feels a little bit cut off though, superfluous to requirements. I pause and think, that is pretty much how I am feeling at this moment with Christian, now he has his birth family in his life I feel my own place in his life threatened.

I am pulled from my thoughts by Christian who is speaking, although I am so deep in thought I miss the first part of what he is saying.

"…better than John Flynn".

"I'm sorry darling, what did you say?" I ask.

Christian looks at me and smiles, "I said, I have a new therapist. It was someone who I was looking into for a friend to help them and I was shocked when I discovered how thorough they were. She is far better than John Flynn".

"But you have been with John for years" I say in surprise.

Christian nods, "I have, and yet I also haven't made any significant progress for years. I made more progress with Ana and she isn't a trained therapist. Everything that has happened recently has made me question every aspect of my life. I was looking into finding a reputable therapist for my friend and I decided to check her out myself and she agreed to see me and after I had seen her it made me realise how little John was actually doing". He reaches for Ana's hand and she immediately reacts and grasps his hand tightly.

"I believe now that Ana was right, he was using me… I was his meal ticket. He did the bare minimum and just kept stringing me along. This new therapist has me actually thinking about things and she has built on the progress I have made with Ana and she is making me see things clearly".

"I see" I say lamely. I feel another surge of guilt at hearing this. John Flynn was recommended to me and I had pushed Christian towards him in the hope that he would help him and once again it appears that I failed.

"Who is this new therapist?" Carrick asks with open curiosity.

Christian looks up towards Carrick, "Her name is Caroline Maguire".

I gasp, she is a renowned psychiatrist and an undisputed expert in the mental health field. It is typical of Christian to seek out the best of the best for his friend and I briefly wonder who this particular friend is.

"Well, I'm glad that you are getting the benefit of the help you are receiving and I hope that your friend also finds her beneficial" I say awkwardly.

Christian nods enthusiastically, "I am sure he will and as for me, she has made me question everything. While John was insistent on focussing on the SFBT, basically focussing on what my goals were and where I wanted to be, he didn't deal with the raft of underlying issues I had. Caroline has made me see that I will never get to where I truly want to be until I confront and deal with my past. I had always dismissed it as irrelevant as it was the past but she has made me see that I have to own my past and deal with it so I can be happier now and in the future".

I see Ana smiling proudly at him, then she turns towards us and speaks. "I had no idea he had actually got as far as he has with this other therapist. I knew he was looking into someone for our friend and he told me he had made an appointment, and I also knew he had started questioning his progress with John and how John treated him. But, while he has shared some parts of his visits with this new therapist he didn't tell me he had progressed as far as he has. I should have realised though, as how he dealt with the news of his birth family was poles apart from how he has dealt with the more recent revelations of myself and Elliot being biologically related". She looks at Christian with such love in her eyes I swallow hard as I see it.

"I know it's been hard for him but he has dealt with it so well, remarkably well… I should've realised he was getting some real help with that" she adds.

Christian butts in at this point, "Ana was dealing with everything else going on and I didn't want to add to it. It's not that I was keeping it from her but I didn't want to say anything in case it didn't work out with this therapist. However, it seems she is a good fit for me and I have noticed the progress and how I handle situations differently now in the short time I have been seeing her. I know it's not a quick fix, I have a lot of issues to deal with and work through though, and she has come up with some interesting theories regarding my issues which I am dealing with. I feel there is progress now though, whereas I felt as if I was just treading water with John and going round in circles".

"Well, I'm very pleased to hear it darling" I say with total sincerity.

I watch as I can see Christian has more he wants to say, but he seems hesitant to say it and I wonder why.

"She has given a name to all the things I have been dealing with all my life. Apparently, I am not unique there are a lot of people out there with similar issues and behave in the same manner as I do and have the same fears that I have". He stops again and looks around at us, I realise this is something monumental and he is worried about sharing it.

"What did she tell you?" I ask.

I watch as he licks his lips nervously and he unconsciously pulls Ana closer to him and increases his hold on her as if he is afraid she will go when he tells us whatever it is he wants to say.

"She is of the opinion the way I am stems back to my formative years and she diagnosed me with a form of PTSD, for what happened to me when I was a toddler and she also… she… she also… she said I fit the criteria for Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder… which is also known as Borderline Personality Disorder. She is of the opinion that I have been displaying the symptoms of that all my life" he says and then he stops and waits for our response.

The stunned silence around the table is palpable. He looks around and the fear in his eyes is increasing as nobody says anything. I can understand his concern as this is one of the most misunderstood disorders there is and the stigma that surrounds it is immense. I quickly go through the list of diagnosable symptoms and my heart sinks as I check off each one and recognise them in my son.

The only person who doesn't look shocked to the core is Ana and she is watching everyone's reaction closely almost as if she is daring us to be negative about this.

"Did you know about this Ana?" I ask and she nods.

"I did, he did share the initial diagnosis with me. After Christian told me I Googled it and wished very quickly that I hadn't as there is a lot of negativity which surrounds it but after I had trawled through the negativity, I found some quite positive things as well. I encouraged Christian to tell you all as he was going to keep it to himself. But as I told him, he is still the same person he was before he told you this and now he is receiving the correct help he will be able to manage this better than he did before".

Christian nods, "I am and the therapy I am now receiving is called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, it was specially designed for people with this mental health disorder and has been proven to have excellent results, so I am feeling very positive about this" he says. He is looking at us warily almost as if he is waiting for us to respond but at the same time doesn't want us to as he is afraid of what we are going to say.

I nod in agreement with this as I silently thank god that Christian has Ana fighting his corner. I stand up and round the table gesturing to Christian to stand and give me a hug. He smiles in relief at me and responds to my request.

"Thanks mom" he whispers in my ear as he wraps his arms around me. I am happy to see Carrick follow suit and he waits for his turn and he gives Christian a genuinely affectionate hug.

"I don't understand any of this, but I am willing to learn" Carrick says simply and I smile at his comment. He has always felt out of his depth with Christian but now he is not afraid to admit that and show him his vulnerability.

"I'll sit down with you and talk to you about everything I have found out about it if you like?" Ana says and Carrick nods. "I don't want you to have to go through what I did when I Googled it as some of the things I found made it sound totally horrific".

"I'd like that" he replies.

"You… you could come with me to one of my therapy sessions as well… if you want to and my therapist could explain things from her point of view?" Christian adds.

I see the tears well up in Carrick's eyes at this offer as Christian is willing to include him in this.

"I will" Carrick says simply but firmly.

Mia and Elliot rise from their seats and both give Christian their own words of support and I can see he is incredibly relieved that we have responded so positively to this news.

"Needless to say, this information that I have disclosed to you remains within the family and doesn't leave this room" Christian says after a few moments and we all nod in agreement. There is no way anyone would dream of betraying him.

As we all return to the table it is Ana who speaks again to restart the conversation and she changes the subject.

"Christian and I are going to New York next weekend to visit Eva and Gideon" she says excitedly.

"Oh, how lovely, please give them my warmest regards" I say and Ana nods and assures me that she will.

I see Elliot lift up his head and pay attention to this news and I wonder if he is looking for an invitation to go as well. But I realise that is already a done deal as he confirms that he and Ava are also going.

"Yeah Ava and I are going as well" he says, "I believe from what Eva has told Ana she is introducing us to her mom and stepdad and I think she mentioned something about a guy… her best friend as well?" he looks towards Ana questioningly as he says this and Ana nods in confirmation.

"Yes that's right, Monica and Richard Stanton. I think we are going to be having dinner with them while we are there and she is also going to introduce us to Cary Taylor, he is Eva's best friend. They have known each other for years. I think she has a number of things planned while we are there next weekend so it will be quite a packed schedule" Ana says and her eyes are shining with the excitement of the prospect of seeing her sister again.

oooOOOooo

Five Days Later…

(CHRISTIAN)

I am pacing around my plane and I tut as I look at my watch again. Ana pats my arm and shakes her head.

"Christian stop it, he will be here. Don't forget he has to make sure he not only has everything he needs but also everything Ava needs for this trip and it is very early".

I know this and I nod, but I am getting rather agitated at the thought we are getting uncomfortably close to the take off slot time.

As I am thinking this my brother appears in the doorway. He looks dishevelled as though he has only recently got up. Ava flies in and hurls herself at me. I catch her and haul her into my arms and I am rewarded with a hug and a kiss. As quickly as she came, she is eager to get down and greet Ana. I notice that she is still dressed in her pyjamas and I am guessing that Elliot pulled her straight from her bed into the car.

"About time" I say as Elliot walks towards me with an apologetic look on his face.

"I know, and I'm sorry. We were just leaving and when I say just leaving, we were half way here when Ava realised that she hadn't got Oliver" he says as he waves the stuffed animal, he is holding at us to emphasise his point.

My irritation evaporates and I look at Ava who is now sitting quietly next to Ana.

"I had to go back as she can't sleep without Oliver" he adds.

I nod, "I know that" I say as we have all witnessed Ava's devotion to the stuffed toy rabbit which she has had since birth and which doesn't generally tend to be far away.

Stephan comes out and discreetly coughs. I look up and he makes eye contact with me and I know that we have to go now, so I quickly go and sit next to Ana as Elliot fastens himself in next to Ava.

Ana reaches for my hand as the plane starts to move and grips it tightly until we are in the air and are able to move around again.

"Where are we going daddy?" Ava asks after a few moments.

"New York. We are going to New York to visit Aunty Eva and Uncle Gideon, remember you met them a couple of weeks ago?" he says.

Ava nods and grins, "I like Aunty Eva she's funny" she says.

"Are we staying in Uncle Kisschuns house?" she asks and Elliot nods.

"Yep" he replies and I smile as she cheers and claps her hands.

My apartment in New York is small compared to the penthouse at Escala but it still has two bedrooms besides the main master bedroom so there will be ample room for all of us this weekend.

A couple of hours or so into the flight I notice that Ava has fallen asleep curled around her rabbit on the sofa. Elliot lovingly covers her with a blanket and tucks it around her.

"You know, you can put her in the bedroom if you like?" I say but Elliot shakes his head.

"No, she'll be fine there. She's like me she can sleep on a clothes line!" he says with a grin, before settling himself down again next to me.

I smile at my niece as she is sleeping peacefully. I look and nudge Elliot as I see Ana has also fallen asleep on the other sofa. As I nod towards her, he grins.

"Just us then!" he says.

"And Taylor" I add as I gesture towards Taylor who is sitting quietly in the corner reading a book. He looks up at the mention of his name but quickly returns his attention back to the novel he is reading.

"What are you reading Jason?" Elliot asks which draws Taylors attention back to him again.

"A political thriller" he replies simply and Elliot grins and goes to say something else.

I pull his arm and he turns and looks at me questioningly. "Leave the man alone El!" I say good naturedly and I see Taylor's mouth twitch as I say it.

The flight is quite a pleasant one, Elliot and I spend the majority of the flight just sitting chatting. He is looking forward to this visit and spending time with Eva and Gideon.

"Do you fancy a drink, I'm thirsty?" Elliot asks and I shake my head.

"No, I'm fine but you get one if you want one" I say.

Elliot nods and stands up, he glances towards Taylor, "What about you Jason?" he asks.

Taylor looks up again from his book which he is still reading, "I'm fine sir, thank you" he replies politely and Elliot frowns.

"Why do you insist on calling me sir and Mr Grey? I'm not him or my dad" he says as he walks into the small galley to fetch himself a drink. When he returns clutching a bottle of water he looks at Taylor again. "Plus, I know it irritates Ana the way you always call her Mrs Grey" he adds.

Taylor glances at me and I quickly step in, "When Taylor first started working for me it was far different to how things are now and we both felt it was best to have a very formal structured arrangement to stop lines getting blurred… however… since Ana came into my life those lines have been more than blurred as she looks upon Taylor, Sawyer and Gail as friends and now I do as well".

I pause and look at Taylor, "You know if Ana prefers you calling her Ana, I'm ok with that. I have heard her mention it a few times, and I agree that calling El 'sir' and 'Mr Grey' is a bit odd, as I automatically think of my dad when you say that. When we are in private, I am happy with you calling me Christian although in public I would prefer if you still call me Mr Grey".

Taylor nods and then wordlessly returns to his book. I look at El who was listening to the exchange, "Happy now?" I ask and he grins at me.

"Yep" he replies and then he takes a long drink of the bottled water he has.

"Christian can I ask you something?" Elliot says after a moment.

I glance at him and immediately take note of the serious tone and look on his face.

"Of course," I say simply and wait for him to continue.

Elliot pauses as though he is thinking about what he wants to say, "What… how?... What I mean is… How are you dealing with all this really? What do you really think about everything that has happened?" he waits nervously and I lean back and sigh.

"Honestly, so much has happened that I'm not too sure where to start with how to answer that. It all began with Ana finding out about Eva and then she found out Frank was alive and that snowballed into me finding out about my own birth family".

"That was weird" Elliot says as I pause to think about the chain of events as they unfolded.

I nod and let out a small snort, "You can say that again. That was certainly very weird, the way it all came out. I didn't handle it very well, when Arnie showed me that photograph and I recognised Ella… my birth mother, and I saw evidence of how I really was loved, wanted and cared for at some point in my early life. It threw me and I just couldn't deal with it".

"Why?" Elliot asks.

I shrug, "I have no idea, I think because I had no memory as I was obviously too young to remember that time and the bad memories of my time with my birth mother have always been so vivid I had formed this view and I was seeing something which challenged what I had always believed. I am not proud of the way I behaved that day, but Ana and Arnie forgave me for my appalling outburst".

"Then you had to contend with the fact that your own brother was actually related to your wife" Elliot says carefully and at that I look up and meet his steady gaze.

"I had got a new therapist by that point and she had shown me and taught me better ways of how to deal with things and that was a perfect opportunity to try them out" I say with a wry smile. "However, that definitely was another 'you couldn't make this shit up' moment. When you arrived that day and it all came out… have you heard anymore from Miranda about your birth mother? Did she respond to your letter?" I ask.

Elliot shakes his head, "No, to be fair I don't really expect her to reply. She had made it crystal clear she wanted nothing to do with me so I'm not surprised. I'm thankful to her for replying. There were no medical issues on her side of the family I needed to be aware of… for Ava's sake, so it's all good".

He pauses and I know there is something still eating at him.

"What's bugging you El?" I ask.

He shakes his head and takes another drink of his water. "It's just… it is pretty crystal clear the apple didn't fall far from the tree" he says cryptically.

My eyebrows rise and I will him to continue.

"My dad" he says sarcastically as he puts air quotes around the word dad. "I mean, I've slept with more than my fair share of women. I've just used women for sex and…" I quickly interrupt him as I can see where this is heading.

"Let me stop you right there" I say firmly, "You are nothing like Frank Lambert, I read the letters he sent to Ray and Jose Rodriguez. The man is a complete misogynist. You are not anything like that, he just believed – as Ana and Eva so bluntly put it, that women were put on this earth for him to stick his dick into. He lied to them and told them what they wanted to hear just to get them to do what he wanted. He made them promises which he had no intention of fulfilling and he wasn't sensible or responsible at preventing nature taking its course with his actions. You on the other hand slept with a lot of women, but you never made exaggerated promises which you had no intention of keeping and you never lied to them. Yes you used women for sex but they were fully aware it was just a hook-up or a casual thing. I know you were sensible when it came to contraception and keeping yourself clean from STD's so there is just no comparison between you and Frank Lambert".

Elliot acknowledges what I have said with a slight move of his head, "I guess" he says after a moment.

I let out a small snort, "I objectified women for years before I met Ana" I say and Elliot looks up in surprise at that.

"But?" he says, "I mean… I know about what happened with Elena Lincoln but I just assumed she was the only one… before Ana" he says.

I shake my head, "No El, I probably slept with as many women as you did and I had contracted sexual relationships with fifteen of them".

"Contracted? What the hell does that mean?" he asks in surprise.

"It means, I got them to sign NDA's and a contract which laid out in black and white what they were willing for me to do to them" I say. I watch his reaction to that and his eyes widen as he immediately gets the subtext of what I am saying.

"Jeez bro, that's a bit fucked up" he says.

I nod, "I totally agree, at the time it was all I knew and it worked for me… to a degree. But Ana showed me a different way, made me see what I was missing".

"You didn't? I mean… did you want Ana to do?... Did you try and get her to sign one of your contracts?" he asks.

I swallow hard and nod, "Yes I did, but she refused and I knew at that point that I wanted more with her anyway so that was the start of the change. She made me see things differently for the first time in my life and then when it all came out about what Elena had done, my eyes were well and truly opened".

Elliot looks at Ana who is still sleeping peacefully, "I prayed you wouldn't fuck things up with Ana when you two first met, everyone could see how good she was for you. It's weird… as soon as she came into your life, I felt this protectiveness towards her. I looked upon her as my little sister right from the start, who'd a thought that it would turn out to be a bona fide fact?"

I smile, "I was jealous as hell when I saw how well you got on with Ana. It took me a while to get over it" I admit.

Elliot grins, "Whereas I had no such concerns with you and Kate. You could barely tolerate her at times… seems as though you were right though," he says as his smile fades at that thought.

"Forget Kate, she no longer figures in your life. I think we have just about got our heads around everything that has happened and I think we should all look towards the future with positivity now" I say firmly.

Elliot grins, "Wow, this new therapist really is good" he says sarcastically.

I let out a loud laugh at that which wakes Ana and also rouses Ava.

Before I can say anything though a voice comes through the intercom, "Mr Grey we are approaching La Guardia and will soon be making our descent so if everyone could take their seats and buckle up".

I sit down next to Ana and carefully help her to strap herself in while Elliot deals with Ava.

"Are you awake baby? We are coming in to land" I say and Ana silently nods. I smile as I know she isn't altogether awake yet and I wrap my arm around her and wait for our arrival in New York.