A/N: Okay, so I had shower thoughts last night. And then I came up with this and it hurts. So, I'm sorry (not really)
I was thinking, if you're uncovering memories, it'll be different than just viewing them in a pensive. Right? So, while you're in a pensive memory, you're just going to see the motions, you're not really going to feel how the person experienced it.
For example, if anyone of you were to watch a video of say me holding my baby in the NICU for the first time after he was born, it would stir some emotions in you. Only, you didn't live that specific experience and you could only guess how I felt in that moment.
However, when I think back on the first time I got to hold my baby after being separated from him for sixteen hours after birth I remember the weight of him (11 pounds btw) being placed in my arms. I remember my heart clenching and the tears overpowering me because the last time I'd seen him directly after birth he'd been blue and unresponsive. So I felt the fear and the over powering joy of seeing him healthy and how much it hurt to see his little squishy face on oxygen. Because that's my memory, that's my experience and not just something I'm viewing in a movie.
So, my thought is, recovering a memory will be as if YOU are the person living that moment. You'll have the smells that are associated with it, the actually feeling of say that heavy baby in your arms, the over powering emotions that person felt.
So, basically… memories will be Draco POV and Hermione is about to have to relive their relationship and actually feel Draco falling in love with her. And now I hurt. Thank you shower thoughts; you really know how to kick someone when they're down.
More notes at the end.
Chapter 6: The First Memory
Tap, tap, tap Hermione heard as she smacked her quill against the top of her desk knowing that she was getting ink splatters all over the place, but not caring enough to stop. It was almost time for Malfoy's second memory appointment, and she was admittedly nervous for it.
The first appointment had gone about as well as she'd expected. No matter what she'd done, she hadn't been able to find where the obliviated memories were hidden. Potions, Legilimency, and other charms had no effect on where it was locked away, but she wasn't deterred. She'd found the magical link that Malfoy's mind had created that indicated where she should start looking, and now that she knew that, today was bound to go smoother. Hermione knew from experience that it could take a few sessions and if on her first go at Malfoy's mind she'd been able to unlock anything at all she would have been shocked.
This was the second session though. There was more promise that it might work to not only find where his memories were hidden, but to also potentially break through whatever locks were in place to keep them from him. Only, now that Hermione had a moment, she was dreading what she might uncover. How would she handle seeing their breakup from his point of view? What if she had to watch him corresponding with fucking Winston Greengrass about his betrothal contract to Astoria while they were together? There was so much potential for her to have to relive her heart break, and that's what was making her anxious.
It didn't matter though. This was a personal case, but her job couldn't afford for it to be. She would just have to let go of that and keep in mind that anything she found was in the past. This was a research project. Malfoy was nothing more than just another mind that she needed to get into and find how to unlock it.
Taking a deep breath to help steady herself, Hermione pushed away from her desk and stood stretching her stiff limb, just as her assistant, Janet, peaked her head into Hermione's office. "Ms. Granger, Mr. Malfoy is in procedure room two all prepped and ready for you." Hermione nodded her head in acknowledgment that she'd heard the elderly woman and flipped open the file containing all of Malfoy's information.
After their first session, she noted that he'd reported that he'd had a headache that had persisted through Sunday morning, but was easily managed with a mild pain potion. Not surprising. He also reported that he'd had to wear his reading glasses for the week following, that was a side effect that she'd never seen before, but then again Malfoy had the worse vision of anyone she'd ever worked with in the past and she was trying to peel back away years of layers and not just months.
Today, all his vitals were normal and at his base line, no concerns there. Brain activity seemed to be calm, so the calming draught that had been administered when he'd first arrived must have already taken effect. No more stalling, there was nothing left for her to review. It was time for Hermione to face him and get started.
Walking out the door of her office and down the corridor that held the procedure rooms, one that held her ex was willingly laying and waiting for her to dive into his mind. The sterile hospital looking hall she found herself standing in, made Hermione take a breath before she stepped inside. High emotions would do no good for her right now, and she couldn't afford to fail.
Opening the door, a privacy curtain was in place separating the view of the movement that she heard happening on the other side, so she took one second more, putting her Occlumency shields in place, and stepped around. Laying on a table wearing only a white t-shirt and a pair of black slacks with his eyes closed, was Draco Malfoy. Hermione couldn't stop her eyes as they traveled over his bulging bicep that had a tattoo she hadn't noticed during the last session.
Shaking her head, Hermione knew that she needed to stay focused. Now was not the time to let her thoughts wander, not that there would ever be a time for her thoughts to explore the expanse of Malfoy's wide chest or his shoulders. Bustling around him, and bringing Hermione back into the procedure room, were the two healers that the memory division employed to help monitor brain activity and her subjects' overall vitals while she worked.
"Healers Jilli and Brandon, good afternoon" Hermione said addressing the stunning blonde and her partner, a rather large man who had much more nimble fingers than his size would ever suggest possible.
"Unspeakable Granger, we almost have the subject ready. Calming draught has already been administered as well as a mild sleeping draught. After leaving him awake last week, the scans showed that even with the calming draught he struggled to relaxing his mind and we believe that might have contributed to the side effects that he experienced. We'd like to see that his vision isn't impacted or made worse over the course of the trial." Jilli explained walking over to where Hermione stood watching the ongoing diagnostics hovering above Malfoy's head, showing his brain activity.
There was a complete glowing picture of his brain hovering above him as he rested. She could see a small pulsing in the hippocampus, showing that Malfoy was asleep and currently inside a dream. This was good news for Hermione, as she'd noticed that some of the more difficult subjects would dream the locked memories and give her easier access.
"Good idea, Healer Jilli. If he is ready, I think we can begin." Hermione said stepping away from the scan that Jilli was monitoring and to sitting on the opposite side next to Malfoy's head and next to Brandon.
Brandon's job was to track the rest of Malfoy's vitals, and ensure that the rest of his body didn't go into shock while she worked. Together, they made an excellent team, as they'd been working together for the better part of ten years.
Pulling out her wand, Hermione began to wave it over Malfoy's head, and she could see the slight flutter of his eyelids. Closing her eyes to block out any of Malfoy's physical responses to what she was doing, Hermione gave over control of herself and instead, letting her magic lead the way into Malfoy's mind with her astral form.
A cobble stone path and an iron gate, the same ones that lead to the Malfoy Manor, appeared in front of her as her magic directed where she needed to. Taking a tentative step forward, Hermione looked down to make sure that she wouldn't fall through the stones, only to be reassured by the solid ground beneath her foot. Letting all her weight fall onto her leg, a puff of fog erupted behind her, erasing the path behind her. Knowing there was no other way to go, Hermione continued to step forwards into the depths of Malfoy's mind.
The iron gates opened wide to her touch, allowing her unrestricted access to continue on her path, where she could see the white stone walls that made up the exterior of the manor that she'd only actually stepped foot inside once. This wasn't how she remembered the manor looking though. It was much brighter, and cleaner. No shrubbery lined the path that she moved up, only the same dense fog on either side of her, forcing her forwards, towards the manor towering in the distance.
As she walked, no sounds were made as she crunched through the cobble stone path. However, the further she walked, the more she found littered in Malfoy's mind. Little whisps of memories fluttered past her as she moved further down the path and closer to the imposing manor. Malfoy as a child riding on a broomstick and falling off. Malfoy with his mother, sneaking cookies from a jar as he smiled up at her and she gently pressed her lips to his forehead. Malfoy and his youngest son standing facing a tombstone each clutching a bouquet of flowers with their head bent.
These clouded imagines along with whatever different feelings and emotions he had at the times of the real events continued to pass through Hermione, making her clutch her chest as she felt the pain, delight, and grief that was associated with each of these moment in his life, until she reached the front door of the manor and a burst of colors that she recognized from their first session erupted from the cracks of the door, each color representing different catalogs of memories that Malfoy had in his mind. Concentrating on the magenta strand of magic that she'd discovered during their last session to indicate the location of his obliviated memories, Hermione was bewildered when it didn't lead her inside and instead away from the main entrance.
Not letting her doubts dictate her direction, Hermione let out a slow breath and put all her trust in the magic and followed the whisp of magenta that veered off to the left of the house. The magenta danced along in front of her, leading her to a small footpath that before she'd stepped toward it, had been obstructed by the dense fog that surrounded her. The dirt path, that was only just wide enough to allow one person to follow, wound its way around the manor and towards the back garden Malfoy had described to her once, but she'd never seen in person.
Even if this was just a recreation of the real thing, Hermione blow away by the beauty that was held here and paused to take in the sight. The magenta didn't seem to want to wait on her observations though, because before she'd had her fill of the view, she was surrounded by the light and pulled forward to continue walking. As she went, she found a maze with towering bushes that reminded her so much of the third task of the Triwizard Tournament from their fourth year, knowing that this wasn't an actual part of the Malfoy Manor garden, but a trap his mind had placed to keep anyone from finding what she was searching for.
However, whoever had erected this had underestimated Hermione's abilities to shift through a person's mind, and she knew that as long as the magenta light was with her, that she wouldn't get lost. Steading herself with a deep breath, Hermione took another step forward and was instantly lost in the darkness of the maze as the bright fog disappeared from view completely. With only the small glow of magenta to guide her, Hermione knew that she didn't have a choice, but to keep going forward.
On and on, she went, taking twists and turns, not knowing what she might find, but putting all her trust in her magic to guide her to what she was searching for and to get her there safely. Hermione wasn't sure how long she followed the maze, it could have been mere minutes or hours, as she walked she was completely unaware of the passage of time. It wasn't until she was looking up at a great white mausoleum with no door, built in the same stone that the manor had been in that she knew she'd found what she was looking for.
At the base of the solid structure, glowed the magenta light that Hermione had followed and trusted to guide her to Malfoy's memories of her and their shared past that had been sealed away from his conscious mind. Taking a deep breath, Hermione stepped forward and held up her hands to feel the pulse of the magic that was set to keep out anyone other than the caster of the spell. She didn't want to break his mind, so anything she was going to do would have to be done gently and with great care and ease. Since this structure held no doors, windows, or even cracks for her to gain entrance through, Hermione knew that she would have to carefully construct her own.
Closing her eyes, Hermione sat cross legged on the top step at the front of the mausoleum, facing where there normally would have been a door, and began to mutter spells and incantations to weaken the walls. Sweat pouring down her brow, the fatigue setting in from the exertion of expelling so much magic into creating her own entrance, Hermione was on the verge of calling the session. She now knew where she was hidden in his mind, and the next time she entered, it would take even less energy to find this place. No need to rush the process.
However, just as Hermione opened her eyes and began to stand, brushing the nonexistent dirt from her white robes, the ground beneath her feet gave a small jolt. Eyes jerking up towards the mausoleum, a gasp slipped from her lips as the magenta glow began to shoot up one of the columns in front of her. It wasn't much, but it was an entrance. Cautiously reaching out to touch the glow, Hermione felt the rush as she was yanked into the rift with a scream as the memory pulled her in, she dropped into the body of Draco Malfoy to live that moment that she'd found.
Walking down the snowy path towards Hogsmeade, the wind was cold and bitter. Freshly fallen snow layered the ground thickly and each step made him eternally grateful that he had his thick dragon hide boots on to keep his feet warm and dry.
Ahead of him, Draco could see the mass of brown curls and her olive skin as she turned her face to the side was in a stark contrast to the snow all around them. The obnoxious red hat she wore, with the gold pompom on the top, and her black oversized muggle coat were about all he could make out through the blizzard. Granger turned her head again, looking up towards the Weasley girl, laughing at something the red-head had just said.
Finnigan and Thomas raced by, knocking Draco back into his own thoughts as a piercing cold hit the back of his neck. 'Death Eater scum' Finnigan hissed at him as Thomas laughed along with his friend and shaking his head, continuing on their way towards where Granger and Weasley were walking.
Shoving his hands deep in his pockets, Draco sighed, wondering why he'd even bothered making the trip to the village that day. It's not as if any of his friends were joining him, they'd all opted to stay at the castle and hide away in their common room to avoid anyone.
He knew he wasn't allowed in the three broomstick and he highly doubted that any of the other shops were going to be too keen on letting him either. Would have been easier if he'd just done a mail in order.
However, it was the last trip to the village before Christmas and he was going to get his mother a gift. She deserved better than a mail in order from some catalog that Pansy had lying around. After the year they'd had, he wanted nothing more than to find something special for her to show her that everything they had been through was worth it, because in the end they were alive and they were together.
As he neared the village, Draco felt his ankles snap together as a Tripping Jinx hit him and caused him to fall face first into the snow. Letting out a heavy sigh, Draco pushed up onto his gloved hands, again thanking Merlin that he'd invested in such fine gloves and cloak that for the most part had kept him dry and warm, even after getting knocked into a snow drift that covered his entire body.
'Are you alright, Malfoy?' He heard the voice, but seeing as he was still on his hands and knees in the snow, Draco found it hard to believe that it was really happening outside of his own head.
Normally he would have been embarrassed, and snapped at her, but instead Draco bit his tongue and let out a deep sigh. However, looking up, there she was. Chocolate brown eyes, so dark that they were almost black peering down at him with her hand held out, waiting to help him up.
'Yeah, just fine. Must have tripped on something.' Draco muttered under his breath, ignoring her hand and pushing himself back up so he could brush the snow off himself.
'Seamus shouldn't have done, it's completely childish and uncalled for. Honestly, you'd think after everything everyone has been through the past few years that we could end these petty little disagreements and look past our differences.' She said standing there in her muggle jeans that hugged her hips and showed off the curves she'd just recently re-acquired after being starved half to death on the run from the Dark Lord.
'Think nothing of it, Granger.' Draco said side stepping her and moving around and away from her. Just because they were partners in potions, charms, and arithmancy did not mean that they suddenly were friends.
The crunch of the snow behind him was a clear indication that she was following behind him and trying to catch up. Her shorter legs made it easy for Draco to get ahead of her with his normal strides, but he was not about to run away from her like a bloody coward. If she could keep up with him, then he would let her walk next to him without telling her to get lost.
'So, you finishing your Christmas shopping then? I don't think I've seen you come down to the village for any of the other trips so far this year.' Granger asked once she'd caught up to him, a bit out of breath. How she still managed to talk after running through the snow to catch him and then trying to keep up at his pace was beyond him.
'Obviously' He replied, doing his best Snape impression.
'For your mother then? I saw that she's relocated to France, can't say I blame her though. Is that where you're going to spend your holiday?' She asked looking up at him with those giant doe eyes of hers. The smell of lavender, lilac, and vanilla wafting off her, threatening to overload his senses.
'What do you want, Granger?' Draco finally asked once he'd gotten his train of thought back. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy talking to her in class. No, he knew she was smart, everyone knew that, but she was also witty and kind and so bloody forgiving after he'd given her his written apology that his Probation Auror had required him to write. Her personality was too much for someone like him, and he had to accept that she was his partner in a few classes due to being forced into it by the bullshit inter house unity Hogwarts was enforcing this year.
'Oh, well, I thought we were friends. I mean, I saw that none of the other eighth year Slytherins were coming with you, and thought maybe you didn't want to be alone. If I was wrong, I could always just, you know, go.' Draco looked down and saw her playing with her hands, pulling at the material of the brown gloves covering her fingers in a nervous gesture. He suppressed a laugh as he watched her, she'd never fit in with the snakes, every emotion she felt he could read in those eyes or by her body language alone.
'Do whatever you like, Granger. I'm just finishing my shopping and going back to the school.' He said, leaving the option of what happened next up to her. Truly it didn't matter to him, she was perfectly capable of doing whatever she wanted. She always had.
'Well, I still have my shopping to do for Harry and Ron. Maybe you could help me, I'm utter rubbish at knowing what to get in that Quidditch shop. Or perhaps I could get something to help with the Auror training, that might be more practical since I'm really not sure how much time they'll be spending playing Quidditch these days.' She continued her musing on what to or not to get Potter and Weasley, as if Draco had any investment in it what the Chosen One or the Weasel were given as gifts by Granger.
Tuning out her words, instead Draco just watched her. She spoke with her hands a lot in class, but it appeared that it wasn't just how she talked when she asked questions or explained things. No, it seemed that this animated speech was just how Granger expressed herself. Full of passion, even if it was something as ridiculous as possibly buying wand holsters for her friends.
'And after we check out Zonko's we can head to the Three Broomstick for lunch, unless you were wanting to head back to the castle to eat instead. I completely understand if you'd rather do that. I just thought it would be a waste of such a long walk to not grab a bite to eat before walking back.' Draco stopped walking to look down at the little witch. Had she always been so much smaller than him? Even Pansy, who was the smallest Slytherin girl in their year, at least had a few inches on Granger.
'I'm not welcome there. Wouldn't you have a better time if you met your friends for lunch instead?' Draco commented, completely ignoring anything else that she'd said before she'd mentioned getting lunch, with him.
'Oh, well, that makes sense. No problem, we can eat at the Hog's Head. I spent the summer with Aberforth getting the pub cleaned up and ready for re-opening. I even talked him into having more than fire whiskey on his menu, so we can always get lunch there.' She said, completely skipping over his last statement.
'What about your other friends, Granger? Won't they be wondering why you're having lunch with a Death Eater instead of meeting up with them?' He asked again. He wasn't just going to let her ignore his question and move on because she spoke at such a rapid pace, he questioned how much oxygen she was truly taking in.
'Oh, well. I sort of was uninvited. I might have hexed Seamus after I saw what he did to you. Though, boils on his face will be the least of his problems when he goes to try and sit.' Granger said with a bit of a smirk.
'You hexed your friend, because he tripped me in the snow?' Draco asked looking down at her with a brow raised.
'Well, yeah. We're friends' she said giving him a smile that made his heart swell to the point, that he knew he would do anything just to keep seeing her smile up at him like that.
Without any warning, Hermione found herself being thrown from Malfoy's mind as she gasped for air. The smell of her old perfume she'd used during her Hogwarts years; the feeling of rejection, hurt, and adoration she'd felt when she'd been talking to Malfoy; even the chill in the air from the Scotland winter, it had all felt so real. It had felt as if she were Draco Malfoy, not as if she were watching the memory from a pensive.
Stumbling backwards, Hermione knocked over her chair as she gasped for air, the tears hardly contained as she looked up at the man who's mind she'd just inhabited for a short period. Drenched in sweat, t-shirt hugging to his chest, Malfoy looked as if he'd just run a marathon, even though his body hadn't moved in well over an hour.
"We were friends. You, you picked me to be your partner in every shared class we had together when you didn't have to." He whispered looking down at her sprawled on the ground.
Healers Jilli and Brandon were rushing around Draco, casting diagnostic spells to check his vitals and his brain activity while also sparing her a few glances, silently letting her know that they'd be checking on her next.
"That was when you first started falling in love with me." Hermione said fumbling with her breaths as the tears she was fighting stung her eyes. "You'd told me that was when it had started for you, but that was so much more intense than I ever thought possible. You, you'd told me that it started as a simmer, that's not a fucking simmer, Malfoy! That ended in a inferno!"
As Malfoy tried to stand from the table, Healer Brandon put his hands on his shoulder and shook his head at Malfoy. "Sorry sir, can't let you get up just yet. You're a fall risk for the first hour after any memory tampering. You'll have to stay put until we say otherwise."
Hermione jumped to her feet and began to head towards the exit when Malfoy called out to her and stopped her.
"Hermione, please. Talk to me." He pleaded behind her, making her shoulders tense at the sound of his voice.
"Talk to you, you want me to bloody talk to you, Malfoy?" She hissed turning around facing him with the hot tears streaming down her face. "I'm going to have to not only re-live our entire relationship, knowing that it will end, and remember how it felt falling in love with you on my end, but I'm also going to have to experience the very strong and very real feelings of you falling in and then out of love with me.
"You left me broken" she yelled, forgetting the two Healers standing in the room with them. "You left me so bloody broken that I've only managed a string of failed relationships for the last fourteen years! You set the bar that made me believe that I was special and I was worthy of that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars type of love!
"Then you took it all away, Malfoy! You destroyed me and left me in pieces in your wake. And now, I'm engaged to bloody Ron Weasley, who cares about me. And I just had to bloody feel how much his feelings for me after two years pale in comparison to when you first started falling for me.
"So, excuse me, Malfoy, but my assistant will be in to debrief you for this session. If you don't want to continue after today, I'll understand. Otherwise, I'll see you in two weeks. Good day." Hermione said turning and running from the room, knowing that the way she'd acted and spoken to Malfoy was completely unprofessional and that she would most likely be reprimanded for her behavior towards a subject.
This is all for the case study. All for the research to further the Wizarding World's understanding of memory charms. In the end, it would all be worth it.
Maybe, if she kept repeating those words, her heart would believe them and not hurt her too much by the end of this.
A/N: I want to say I'm sorry, but I'm not and I'm not goin-g to lie to you. I hope you enjoyed the first memory. More will be coming out as their sessions continue. Smut will be in the memories, since I swore to myself this would NOT be an infidelity piece and I can't help myself, I love smut.
Next chapter is a Hermione and Mila POV! First Quidditch match of the year, Slytherin vs Gryffindor! Who will win? Jack or the twins? Does Ron come to the game to support the twins?
Speaking of Hogwarts houses… What house do you think I belong to? Literally my entire life and no matter what quiz I take, I always get sorted into the same house.
We'll just have to wait and see, now won't we! Next update… No later than the 16th.
BTW, I have a now. No link, not sure how to do that. You can search for me, same name, same picture, so I shouldn't be too hard to find.