War Changes You
Hey guys, hope you are all doing okay in these uncertain times. Feel free to talk to me if you need someone to talk to!
Also, if you haven't already go and check out my boyfriend Danneh's one shot over on AO3. He's worked hard on it.
TW – Mentions of war and injuries
Danny's p.o.v
I sigh and rest my head on the back of my plane seat. I signed up to the army years ago with the knowledge that tours would be difficult, I never envisioned that it would be this difficult though. 6 months of hell and injury is finally over, and I can go back to my husband and try and carry on as normal. I have lost most of the people that were in my squadron to begin with, but I count my blessings that I am able to go home in one piece. Well, as much of one piece as I can. Jorel knows about my injuries, we have been writing letters and phoning each other back and forth over the last 6 months which has been one of the main things keeping me going. That feeling of knowing that when I get off this plane Jorel is going to be waiting with open arms for me to return to him.
A lot of the people going home are getting some sleep. We had to travel in somewhat secrecy so we wouldn't be ambushed on the way to the airport to travel. I don't want to go to sleep until I am home, and I am in Jorel's arms. We have been married for three years now and I think there is no medal or trophy big enough for him for putting up with me. I did all I could on my side by telling him that I wanted to join the army so that he was prepared for that. I know the loneliness will be affecting him a lot and there was nothing I could do about that. I do keep in contact as often as I can whenever I get deployed. "So glad that's over," one of my squad mates tell me. I didn't realise he was still awake, but I nod.
"Yeah definitely. I thought the last tour was bad, but boy was this one hell of a wakeup call," I tell him. I hold back the wince as pain shoots up my side. We were all injured in some way during this like I mentioned before. Who knew being stabbed in the side with a ton of shrapnel hurt like a bitch? I didn't until the bomb went off while I was on patrol. "God yeah, just thankful we can go home to our families. I feel bad for those who can't," he tells me. I nodded because I agreed with him. I feel very sorry for those families who will have their loved ones coming home in boxes because the enemy killed them. You also have a little bit of guilt that you survived and not everyone else did. You worry that the families are going to blame you even though you had nothing to do with it.
"Yeah, I'm considering sending flowers or something to their families," I tell him. We had probably guessed that we weren't going to get much sleep on this flight. I was just set on falling asleep in Jorel's arms later on tonight. "Me too, maybe we should work with the rest of the squad on getting something for our fallen comrades," he tells me. It is a good idea and we then start discussing what would be a good gift. It was a good way for us to pass the time while we wait to get off the plane to run or walk into the arms of our loved ones. "Man I can't wait to wear normal clothes for once," Jason, one of the other squad members says which makes us chuckle. It was something that even I took for granted being deployed.
You wear the same outfit all the time. Either that or a slightly cleaner back up of the original outfit. The first thing I am going to change into is some clean boxers and some sweatpants. Nothing else is needed I feel. I am not going out to the store or anything like that. I am just going to relax with Jorel and then eventually fall asleep. "What if I want to strip naked and stay that way?" Keith asks and I just shake my head. These two have been the main reason I have some of my sanity left despite everything we have just been through. You could have been to hell and back, but you feel as if you have to laugh or else you would go insane. I don't fancy crying my way through this, but it is not how everyone deals with it.
Finally after what felt like an eternity we touched down in Los Angeles. We all grab our bags and slowly make our way off the plane to a round of applause from the staff members that were waiting. We all smile and make our way through arrivals to yet more applause and we start looking out for our family members. Jorel saw me before I saw him that was for sure. I only noticed him when he started running towards me with tears in his eyes. I drop my bag just as he runs into my arms and I hold him tightly. "Welcome home," Jorel tells me, and I kiss his cheek. We'll get to the proper kissing later; I don't want to hang out in this airport with loads of people staring any longer. "Thanks babe," I tell him. We make our way out of the airport holding hands.
"I can't believe that it is over," Jorel tells me. It does feel like longer than six months have passed. I put my bag into the trunk, and I pull Jorel towards me. I kiss him on the lips, and he wraps his arms around me. When we pull away he smiles. "Yeah, I am so glad I am back home now," I tell him. Now it is time for Jorel to drive us home and we can finally relax and not worry about losing each other. "Are you going to take a nap when you get in?" Jorel asks, and I shake my head. I wasn't that tired just yet, but then I will probably become more tired as we get towards the evening. "Nah, I just wanna change into some comfy clothes and cuddle with you on the couch," I tell him. He smiles at me; I think that he wanted me to cuddle with him.
"That's good. Just take it easy though, I will put your stuff into the wash and get you some snacks or something so we can watch television," he tells me. That sounds like a good plan to me, I didn't really think of any other plan though. I was slowly starting to get tired as we got closer to the house. I don't think not sleeping on the plane has quite caught up with me yet, but it will do soon enough. I sighed in relief when we made it home. I had asked specifically for just some alone time with Jorel when I came back from this tour and I would find time for our four friends and everyone else family wise when I settled back into normal life. Luckily they all understood and said they would wait which I appreciated.
"Right, go and put your feet up once you've gotten changed and I'll go get some snacks and drinks," Jorel tells me. I mock salute him and go to our room in the apartment. You would have thought that we would have bought a 2 bedroom house by now, but we haven't. We are still happy in our two bedroom apartment with Tiger and Louie. I decide to attempt to have a shower and it did not go to plan as I was in too much pain by the time I was finished so I had to call Jorel to come and help me out. "Aw Danny," Jorel says and helps me out of the shower and then carefully helps me dry off and get changed into some clean clothes. It was the first time he got to see my injuries since he was told about them.
I flop down on the couch and Tiger comes over to get some attention. Jorel gets all the snacks and drinks he was going to get before I needed his help. "I also got you some of the pain killers that they prescribed you. That will make you more comfortable at least," Jorel tells me. You know how I mentioned that Jorel deserves all the trophies and there aren't enough for how good he is to me? This is why. "Thank you babe," I tell him. I take the pain killers and chase them down with water. Then I move forward slightly so I can lean on Jorel so he can do my hair. "You're welcome," he tells me. I close my eyes for a moment and just enjoy Jorel's gentle hands massaging my head. It is one of the most relaxing things in the world.
I was so relaxed when he was done. I had been slowly making my way through a bag of chips as he was brushing and sorting out my hair which was a little bit of a mess. "I am so glad that you made that decision. I love the guys and they have been a great support over the last six months, but I am ready for this one on one time with you," he tells me. I knew he would appreciate it which is why I sort of took over and pushed for this private time. We tend to make join decisions when it comes to things like that in our relationship, but I knew it was for the best that I did that. "That's why I did it, after going through six months of hell I just wanted to go home not have to deal with friendships at that moment," I tell him.
I knew I did not make sense. Either that or I sounded really nasty. It was not intentional in the slightest because I know that I love the guys and their friendship means the world to me. I just need some time to adjust from going to military life to civilian life and it is going to be hard with a lot of rough patches for me to go through. I am not in the mood to suddenly jump back into hanging out with my friends multiple times a week. "It makes sense and they completely understand where you are coming from. They don't consider it to be nasty in the slightest," Jorel said. I was getting welcome home texts from the guys, but they did and enjoy the alone time with your hubby which was nice. I did promise that we'd hang out soon though.
"I would cook something for you so you can enjoy some home cooking, but I feel like having Chinese takeout instead so we can spend more time like this," Jorel tells me after a while. I was also thinking of the same thing. I wanted some nice home cooked food as I have been living off rations for six months, but Chinese takeout seems so much more appealing right now. It wasn't because I could squeeze more Jorel hugs out of my first afternoon being home. "Chinese food sounds good right now. Home cooked food can wait for another day," I tell him. His cooking is amazing, and the day I have it will be worth waiting for. He gets up for a moment which made me sad, but he was getting the menu.
I'm having a little bit of a hard time choosing what I want for dinner. There was just so much food I wanted, but at the same time I know eating too much is not a good idea. I eventually managed to choose what I want and Jorel phone our order in to be delivered as soon as they could. Now the only time one of us needs to get up is either if we need another drink, to go to the bathroom or the food gets here. The ultimate lazy person's afternoon and I have no guilt about it. Louie had finally calmed down; it took him the entire afternoon to calm down after I had walked through the door because he was just so excited that I was home. He was laying on my legs and getting all of the attention that I could give him.
I laugh when the food arrives. Jorel had to get up to get it because Louie didn't want me to stop petting him. "Good boy, you keep Danny right there," was what Jorel said when he got up to go and answer the door. Soon we were eating what had to be the best meal I had in months. Jorel insisted that he had to pay for it even though I was more than willing to pay for it. I was glad that I choose to order not as much food as I typically would because I was stuffed by the end of my meal. "Are you happy there Danny?" Jorel asks me. He was determined that I wasn't going to do any of the housework even if I wanted to for the next two or three days. It feel a little unfair to me, but I wasn't going to argue with him.
He would tell me that I have just spent six months fighting in the name of America or for our country and there was no way that he would make me do the chores when I should be resting and adjusting from the military schedule I have been living off for the last six months to being able to get up whenever I want, do whatever I feel like and not have to go out on patrols or protection shifts around our base. I yawned; I was definitely feeling tired now. Maybe I should have a slept at least one hour while I was on the plane. We just kept talking about what we were looking forward to once we got back home to our families. "Do you want to have an early night?" Jorel asks me, and I shake my head.
I am more than likely going to end up falling asleep on the couch, but for now I will try and stay awake for as long as possible. "I want to stay awake as long as possible. I am tired but if I go to sleep too early then I'll be up really early in the morning and I don't want that," I tell him. He just chuckles and kisses me on the cheek. I kiss him back and then Louie licks us both. "I guess that is fair enough. I bet you're sick of getting up at the crack of dawn now," he tells me. He could not be any closer to the truth. Getting up at 4.30 am every day doesn't sound so bad when you have done it for 6 months, but we didn't get to go to bed until 8 or 9 pm with a minimum of 12 hours of intense work.
"I'm probably going to naturally wake up at four thirty am for the next few days or week. At least I have the option to go back to sleep now which I didn't before," I tell him. I know at is definitely going to be awaking up at 4.30 am tomorrow morning. I just hope that I don't wake him up when I wake up. "Yeah that's true. Also don't worry if I happen to wake up when you do we can just readjust our position and then go back to sleep," he tells me. Now I am starting to suspect he can either read my mind or I am mumbling my thoughts out loud. "Are you suddenly able to read my mind or did I just mumble my thoughts out?" I ask him. He looked at me and laughed, I am glad I can make him laugh. His laugh makes my day, I could be feeling like shit and he will either find a you tube video he knows will make him laugh or just start reading a joke book until we both laugh.
"Oh how I wish the first one could be true. Also the second one isn't true either. I just know because this is the third time we've done this how your mind works when you come home," he tells me. I had almost completely forgotten about it being the third deployment tour I have ever been on. We have been through this twice before and come out fine. I am sure that we will be fine this time as well. "How did I forget that we have done this before?" I ask him. I love having these conversations with Jorel. I will have gone crazy by now if it wasn't for him having these conversations with me often late into the night, so I was happy and didn't think that I was going crazy. "You've been through hell and only just arrived home less than twenty four hours ago so that was not going to be on your mind," he tells me.
"I guess that makes sense," I tell him. We decided to watch a movie which would let us relax while we waited to see if we became tired enough that we needed to go to bed. Or I would actually fall asleep halfway through the movie. I had fallen asleep on Jorel as well, so I effectively trapped him on the couch until I woke up because he didn't want to wake me up by moving me off him. I woke up with Jorel halfway through a second or third movie and we had a blanket as well and Louie had moved somewhere else. Tiger was laying on top of us now, purring his little heart out as Jay was giving his lovely little kitty some attention. Tiger looked at me and meowed which kinda gave it away to him that I was awake.
"Good nap there Dan?" he asks me, and I nod. We are probably going to call it a night soon because we are both tired. I had to hold back a yawn when Jorel yawned after I had only been awake from my nap for about half an hour. "When this movie finishes I think it definitely would be a good time to call it a night and at least attempt to get more sleep," I tell him. He told me that he had a half an hour nap while I napped. I don't blame him to be honest. I know that film was kinda getting boring when I fell asleep and he finished that one and started another which turned out to be equally as boring as the first one turned out to be. This was slightly more interesting than either of those two movies to me.
The movie could not have ended soon enough for us. We were starting to get tired and that meant that we were not focusing on the movie as much as we should have been. It was so nice to actually lie
down on a comfortable bed. I felt as if I was laying on a marshmallow and it was the comfiest thing in the world. "Best bed in the world?" Jorel asks as he gets changed and all I have the energy to do is to nod at him. He lies down next to me and I snuggle up to him as close as we can comfortably get. "Goodnight my love," he tells me. I am so glad to be home with him and able to spend as much time with him as I want. "Goodnight my love," I tell him, and we kissed on the lips before I cuddle up to him and fall asleep.
3 weeks later – Jorel p.o.v
Today marks three weeks since Danny came home from his third and worst deployment tour he has been on. I have helped him settle back into the normal routine and helping him with the injuries he has been recovering from. I don't think he has been sleeping that well and I know he is trying his best to hide it from me. I am getting our groceries, leaving Danny alone in our apartment for the first time since he got home. My phone is close in case he wanted to call me and needed my help to calm down or something. He has PTSD, the doctors diagnosed him after his first tour, and we keep an eye on the symptoms and go through them together. That was the way that worked for us for the last few years at least.
I wanted to make the shopping trip as quick as I possibly could. I know how much Danny isn't keen on being alone at home for longer than an hour or two. I have managed to get all of the things that we need for this week in terms of our meal plans and a few things to treat Danny with when he is feeling a little bit down and needs cheering up. I pay for it all and put in in the trunk of the car. On the drive back to the apartment my mind couldn't help but drift to Danny, and that something was going on with him that he simply did not want to tell me. I can't force him to tell me anything he doesn't want to tell me. All I can do is show him that I am going to be there for him and make sure he has all the opportunities to talk to me that he could possibly need.
When I got home Danny wasn't rushing to greet me as he usually does. I am slightly more concerned about this, but I know he is still home. I put all the groceries away quietly and fed Tiger. Then I walked into the living room where I found Danny. He was fast asleep curled up on the couch with Louie loyally sitting next to his stomach. Louis is always close to Danny in the initial few weeks that my husband is home. That is when the nightmares he gets tends to be the strongest and the ones that he struggles with the most. I sit next to Danny on the couch and covered him with the same throw blanket I had covered him with when he had fallen asleep on his first night home. I still can't believe that he is home.
I woke up the first morning at 4.30 like we usually do on the first night and it took me a moment to realise that I was just staring at my husband. Staring at him until he spoke because I thought he was a figment of my imagination. Even now I am staring at him while he is sleeping. He is just perfect in every way. He looks so peaceful and handsome. I will probably end up staring at him until he wakes up. He will often speak of how he doesn't deserve me and that apparently I am too good for him when I think the same thing about him. He could have any woman in the world and yet he still chose me, and it was him who popped the question to me.
It was kinda funny that night because I had the exact same ring in his size because I was going to propose to him. I let him know that night that I was going to propose to him on the same night. He laughed, he told me he had a sneaking feeling that I was going to propose to him. I tried not to stare at him too much as he stirred in his sleep. If he has not been sleeping all that well recently then I don't want to accidentally wake him up if he needs that rest. I find something quiet to watch on the TV and I text the others to let them know we were probably gonna have a meet up and hang out day soon. We just need a day where Danny isn't so tired. He's not known for naps during the day so if he has one then he will undoubtedly be exhausted.
He woke up about 2 hours after I got home. "Good nap bear?" I ask him. He nods before he stretches and snuggles into my side. "Yeah, I thought I was good then I laid down on the couch and before I knew it I had fallen asleep," he tells me. It tends to happen that way too; you don't think you need to sleep then you lay down on the couch and three hours pass. Louie places his paw on Danny's leg which earns him a little head rub. We've been considering getting Louie trained up so he can be Danny's service dog and help him with the PTSD. We just haven't gotten around to putting that into place because we feel as if we have a good grip on things as they are at the moment but that could always change.
"Did you get what you wanted when you went shopping?" Danny asks me. I nod, then get up and grab one of the cheer up snacks I had bought Danny. I pass them too him and he smiles. "You didn't have to do this," he tells me. I grabbed my bag of honey roasted cashew nuts so we could do what we have been doing for the last three weeks and catch up on the TV shows I dared not to watch for 6 months. I didn't want to watch a show that I had been watching with Danny, I feel like I would be being nasty to him since he would not have been able to watch it while he was deployed. It was something that we did which was special to us. We have shows we talk about together and shows that we talk to our friends about.
"Of course I did, I know how hard these first few weeks are for you and I thought that you needed some cheering up," I tell him as the title screen for the first show appears on the screen. I had my arm around his shoulders and my hand was on his chest and he snuggled into me. This is often how we sat while we watched the television. I just hope I am not pushing him further away by doing this. It was hard to truly tell if what I was doing was the right thing or not. I couldn't tell if Danny was doing this because he wanted to please me or that he was ready to start getting back to normal now. "Thanks babe, I think this is what I needed to be honest," Danny tells me. I smiled; this was working after all. I want to think I am being a good husband.
"You're welcome bear," I tell him. Maybe this was the opening I needed. It might be rushed, but he has probably been bottling this up for the last three weeks if not longer. From the looks of the wounds he has healing, he has quite the story to tell. He already told me about the bomb that went off while they were on patrol which had led to the shrapnel stabbing him in the side. I know there was more, he asked me a few times to help clean the wounds and dress them to make sure they didn't get infected. He had been in a lot of pain; the doctors saw him the day after and made sure that he had the prescription that he needed to get through it all. He didn't need them as often now, which he was thankful for.
We had gotten caught up on one of the shows when Danny stopped me. "Jay, can we talk for a moment?" he asks me. I put the remote down and gave him my full attention. Louie had even jumped on to his lap ready to calm his owner down whenever it was needed. "Of course we can Danny, I am always here for that," I tell him. Maybe this will be the conversation that needs to happen, the conversation which will make Danny realise that he is not alone in this battle. "I was hoping that the nightmares would have stopped by now, but they haven't," he tells me. I hold his hands, which were shaking like crazy. I always knew that this was a sensitive subject for him, there are a lot of bad memories attached with this.
"Aw bear, you know you could wake me when they happen then maybe we can talk about them, cuddle and try to sleep again," I tell him. I knew it was probably not the right thing to say, but it felt right to me at the that second. I didn't know what else to say, it wasn't like I could even begin to imagine how he felt. I didn't have to watch my new and old friends die in front of me when I was helpless to do anything to save them. "I know, I've just always been too afraid too. I know you know a bit about what happens on these tours and that this one was the worst, but I am afraid you'll leave me if I tell you everything," he tells me. I am going to make another vow to him that whatever he has to tell me will not affect my marriage with him.
"Danny, I promised you on the day we got married that we would be together until death do us part. I will still be with you no matter what you have been through," I tell him, and I still have hold of his shaking hands. He sighs and I kiss him on the lips as my way of proving I still want him as my husband. "Well, you know about the bomb that went off on patrol. There was another incident where we were taken hostage for about three days. It definitely was the worst three days of my life and what my nightmares seem to focus on. With all of the other incidents they mirror the other ones which I know how to deal with. This one feels like a massive smack in the face," he tells me. Even the army didn't tell me about this.
I don't say anything as he goes into more and more graphic details about what he went through. At this point I am tempted to murder every single person who hurt my husband and his squad members. He went through hell ten times over in the space of three days that is for sure. He didn't give them any of the information that they were asking for either. Once he was done his entire body was shaking as he remembered all the hell he tried so hard to forget in the month that has passed since it happened. Once he had finished I just pulled him onto my lap and wrapped my arms around him to comfort him as much as I could. He broke down into the most heart breaking sobs I have ever heard in my life.
I rub his back in small circles to comfort him but at the same time not comfort him to the point where he stops crying yet. I want him to let all of his emotions out which will help him feel better than if he kept keeping them in. After a while he had cried himself out and was just resting his head on my shoulder trying to wipe the last remaining tears from his face. "We'll get through this together my love, just like we have done before," I tell him. He lifts his head and looks at me with a few last tears falling from his eyes. I ever so carefully wipe them away and he kisses me on the lips. I kiss him back and once we pull away he gets up to wash his face. I almost forgot that George had invited us all to a barbeque to welcome Danny back.
"Are you sure you want to go to the barbeque Dan? They won't get angry if you change your mind," I tell him. I had gone to our room to change my shirt and found him getting changed into a clean t-shirt and shorts. "Yeah, I think it will be good to take my mind off the memories and focus on something more positive," he tells me. That is fair enough, we will go and have a good time and I will make good on my promise to help him out should he have any more nightmares about the horror that he went through for those three days. "Fair enough, just let me know at any point if you change your mind and want to go home," I tell him. I feel as though giving him that option will reduce some of the pressure he gives himself that he has to act normal as soon as he possible could. Things don't have to be the way they used to be because he feels like they have to.
That went way better than either of us anticipated that it would. We both had a really good time. Jordon is an amazing cook and it was the best cooked meal either of us had for a while. We did leave about half an hour before the others though because I knew Danny was getting tired and I was beginning to feel the same way. Danny was so tired that he had fallen asleep on the couch only twenty minutes after we got home, and I would have to wake him up to get him into bed because there was no way I could carry him there. He wasn't too upset and being woken up because he pretty much fell asleep again when he got into our bed. "I love you so much Danny," I tell him. He doesn't even need to tell me himself, but I know he loves me just as much.
And that is the end of another one shot. Let me know what you think! Also I know the world is crazy right now feel free to reach out to me if you need to. 3
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