Hollywood Undead One Shots Book 2

by AiriaMurillo

A collection of one shots for Hollywood Undead. I accept requests for a lot of pairings so leave a comment or pm me to send one in. Most are Danny x - as that is who I write the most but I do accept the other pairings too. WARNING RATED M FOR A REASON. I do a lot of types of one shots so there will be a few angsty ones mixed in with happy ones.

7. Changes DM x J3T

Changes – DM x J3T

Hey guys, sorry for the lack of updates. Life became hectic and I got mega burn out which I am just getting over so please forgive me.

Anyways Prison AU Let's go

George's point of view

"George? Are you coming in or not?" Jorel asks me. I had fallen asleep late this morning and I am currently running late for today's studio session. "Yeah, I am coming in. Sorry Jay, I had a rough night that is all," I tell him. To be honest, I have been half dreading going into the studio lately. We are almost done with our first studio record. However, Aron is becoming a proper little diva as of late and it is becoming increasingly harder to work with him at the moment. If he is really in the mood for it then he will make your day worse because he feels like it. No two days in the studio are ever the same and I currently hate it. "No worries George, I was wondering because I am going to have a coffee waiting for you," he tells me.

"You are a legend Jay," I tell him. I don't have any time to make myself a coffee this morning, so I really appreciate him making one for me. Jorel hangs up the phone, so I can get my late ass to the studio and he can make me the best coffee I have ever drank in the whole of Los Angeles. Aron was not there when I got into the studio which is a blessing. The last thing I need this morning is for Aron to berate me for being late again even though he thinks that is perfectly fine for him to show up to the studio whenever he wants to. "Thanks for the coffee Jay," I tell him when I get in. I don't know how he makes this so good, but I would literally pay for Jorel to make me coffee twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and twelve months a year.

"You're welcome George," he replies. I just enjoy the peace and quiet to fully wake up and enjoy my coffee before the chaos starts. The others knew not to come too close while I was still waking up. I had finished my coffee by the time Aron decided to walk in. It is not the latest that he has ever been, but still later than he should be. We dare not say anything about it though because deep down we know it would just lead to the first of many meltdowns of the day. Considering it is only ten thirty in the morning on a Monday I don't think anyone in their right minds is ready for that. If he wants to do it then he can do it any time he wants, it just has to be after twelve thirty pm at the earliest. We'd rather it didn't happen but that wouldn't be like Aron.

"Oh George, I didn't know you were here," Jordon tells me. Aron had gone straight into the bathroom, so he hadn't heard what Jordon said. "Yeah Jorel brought me a coffee when I got in. I only managed to fall asleep at five am this morning, so I ended up being a little bit late myself," I explain, whilst keeping my eye out for Aron. He understands, he knows that I have been having a bit of trouble trying to unwind and fall asleep in the night. "That's fair enough. At least we have Jorel to make the best coffee in the west coast right?" Jordon tells me and I nod. It's good to know that it is not only me who has that opinion of Jorel's coffee making skills. He could just be making it from a sachet for all I know but it is the best thing I have had.

"Yeah we do. I would love to know his secrets on how he makes it so fucking good. He could sell it for a lot of money and probably make more than the companies like Starbucks," I tell Jordon. Jorel could hear us discussing it and out of the corner of my eye I could see him smile and shake his head. To him we must be the weirdest people just talking about how we plan to steal whatever secret recipe he had for making coffee. Although thinking about it some more it was probably just how we make ours with that little bit extra something and if we tried making it ourselves it is not going to taste the same or as good as his does. He also probably is wondering what drugs we have taken to be discussing coffee like this on a Monday morning.

We all decide that the best thing we can do right now is to get on with our work and let Aron do whatever he wants to do for the morning at least. Today we are going to finish up some of our final songs for our debut record Swan Songs. My goal for the day is to at least record everything for Paradise Lost if possible. I know it will be very hit or miss if Aron will record anything today or not, but as long as the management team know that the rest of us have our lyrics all recorded then we have nothing to worry about. Aron will just end up being management's problem not ours if he chooses to be lazy about it all. We do have most of the songs all recorded, there was just a few little things we have left to finish up before we can release it.

"So, when do you think Aron is going to kick off?" Jordon asks, and I hold back a huge groan. Matt looks as unimpressed at Jordon's question as I felt inside. Jorel and Dylan looked unimpressed as well. Luckily for us Aron wasn't listening to our conversation. "I personally hope that he doesn't kick off, but if he does it will be after lunch because that's when he starts to get fed up," Dylan says. It is what we were all thinking, and nobody made a noise to say that they disagree with him. "Dylan is right, we would all rather have a peaceful Monday, but we know that might not be possible with Aron," Matt says. We are also aware that the close it gets to crunch time on the record the worse Aron's behavior is going to get and the more stressed we will be.

We managed to make it to 2.30 pm before Aron decided to kick off. The record label decided to come and check on us. They wanted to ask how close we are to finishing all of the songs we want to go on this record. Once they knew about how much Aron had been slacking off lately and they had to tell him off. They want the band to succeed obviously even if they don't agree with all of our lyrics and the meanings behind them. Aron did not handle being told off very well, it is something we knew would lead to disaster. We all went for a cigarette even if we didn't want to smoke. We just wanted to do everything we could to not be inside the studio until Aron calms down. I have a sneaking feeling that it will last a lot longer than thirty minutes and we might as well go home.

My feelings were confirmed when a guy from management came out to us and told us that we might as well go home as he knew that no more work was going to be done today at least and we should come back bright and early the next morning. We weren't about to complain about it, leaving half an hour earlier is better than staying half an hour later or longer because Aron had finally calmed down and they wanted us to try and do more work. I don't see any more work being done now that Aron has kicked off on the scale that he has done because it would just trigger another hissy fit. That would just set us back to square one and it wasn't worth it. We had gone to a shop to get some snacks and decided to go back to our own apartments for the night and just try and relax.

There was a letter waiting for me when I got home. I don't recognize the handwriting on the envelope, but I have a feeling I know where it is from. A couple of months ago I signed up for a letter exchange with inmates from Men's Central Jail in Los Angeles. They pair inmates up with people on the outside like me to help rehabilitate them. I am not sure how that works exactly, but that doesn't really inconvenience me in any way. I will still write back to whoever has written to me as long as they want me to regardless of whether or not that will help them get released. The only conditions I have for this is that I don't get paired with someone who is a rapist or a pedophile I am happy to do this thing. I somehow doubt they would give those guys a chance with that. The chances of receiving death threats amongst other things would make it counterproductive.

I can't wait to find out more about my new pen pal. I am going to be as open minded with this as possible. Whatever crime they have done does matter, however they have signed up to this as well because they want to change their own lives for the better. They want forgiveness and a second chance in life, and I am not about to deny them that. I haven't exactly led a crime free life especially as a teen and young adult so I am not about to go telling this man that they shouldn't have done whatever it is they have done. That would be me not practicing what I am preaching. I hate the police with a burning passion for how they treat the young people and the black people, leaving them to fend for themselves in the cruel world that has been created.

Daniel Murillo – 06A76K058FF

Men's Central Jail

Los Angeles

California

May 4th, 2008

Dear George,

My name is Daniel Rose Murillo, although most people call me Danny. I am 22 years old and I turn 23 on the 21st of November. I don't really have a favorite color and I have lived in Los Angeles since the day I was born. I am by no means a perfect person, but I am trying my best to change. I really want to become a better person, someone that people could be proud of instead of ashamed. I am not sure what else to say about myself really apart from I have a couple of hobbies. I really enjoy art and I really enjoy music. I have been using art as an escape from this place. It's easy enough to lose track of time in here and I often spend most of my day drawing. How about you? What favorites do you have? You don't have to answer these questions if you do not want to.

Apologies in advance if I start rambling at any point. This whole writing letters to strangers thing is making me a little nervous honestly. I am in a place where I am surrounded by people who have committed crimes just like me. At some point you will want to know why I am in here, which crimes I have committed. I am not ready for that, although I can safely and confidently say that I am not a pedophile or a rapist. I have not even told my family the whole truth. I am not an idol; I am just a gangster. I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of. I guess that is one good reason why I want to change for the best. I have spent a lot of my time in here reflecting on why I am here and what I have done. I have decided I don't want to live that lifestyle anymore. It is not worth the pain it causes.

I will be honest with you. I will still have a lot of respect for you even if you read this whole letter and decide that you do not want to do this anymore. I should not be writing so negatively in the first letter, but honestly I am not sure what I am doing. I have only writing to my family before now and they are quite short little updates. They always say that honesty is the best policy right? Well I will keep being as honest as possible. I don't really have a high level of self-esteem at the moment. Or self-confidence for that matter either. I guess that destroys the stereotype that everybody who ever ends up in jail are hard criminals who don't really give a crap what anyone else thinks of them. I can honestly say that stereotype only applies to a select few in here who are here for life.

Being in a cell by yourself for twenty-three hours a day is a real mental health killer. I guess that serves me right for breaking the law to begin with. That one hour a day we get to go outside of our cell does not feel like enough. At least I get plenty of time to reflect on my life choices. I have a few months left of my sentence and then I hope to God that I will never see the same four cell walls again for as long as I live. Some of the officers say there isn't much hope for me because I have been in and out of jail so much. It all started when I was about fourteen years old and spiraled down from there. I am hoping to not have the achievement of being in and out jail for ten years straight. That is definitely not something to brag about or be proud of. This is something I am going to avoid.

I became homeless at 17 years old. I had very little time to adjust and to become street wise. Especially because I was still going to high school during the day. I did it thought, it took me about two weeks. I took advantage of the showers in the boys changing rooms and any food I could get my hands on. The weirdest thing about that whole ordeal was that I was never afraid not even on my first night. I don't know whether or not that is a good thing to not be afraid. It helped me survive though. I have lived in Los Angeles for long enough to know what dangers are out there on the streets. You've got a huge drug problem, alcoholics roaming around not caring what happens, then you have the gang wars over the tiniest bit of territory, and they don't give a crap who is in the crossfire.

It also kind of led me to the life of crime. Certain gangs know that there are a lot of teens out on the streets and they will one hundred percent take advantage of that. The cops know a little bit, which is why I am not afraid to put this in the letter because I know they will read this before it goes out to you. The gangs are good though, if they don't want to give up their secrets then they are not going to. When you are young and have no one else to turn to then you are going to leap at any opportunity to get even the tiniest bit of security. I don't think I would still be alive today if it were not for the gang recruiter who found me the first winter that I was out there. I know that to most people Los Angeles winter is not that cold, and it doesn't snow very often but I had nothing.

I didn't have a coat back then; I still don't know. It never used to bother me and that is something that still doesn't bother me now. However, when you are only seventeen and you are outside in the rain when the temperature drops from about 60F to 47F it gets very cold. You would beg, borrow, or even steal to get out of that. It's why so many of the other teens I knew weren't so upset to be in prison over the winter months. At least then you'd have 3 decent meals every day guaranteed, clean and warm clothing and a bed to sleep in every night without fear of waking up soaked because it had rained sometime between the hours of three and four o'clock in the morning. You could even go to lessons in the jail without people looking at you funny because you were different.

I used to think that I never belonged anywhere, never fit in with anyone and that changed when I entered the criminal world. I do regret that now though; I don't need crime for people to accept me for who I am. When I get out of jail in a few months' time I am going to prove to everyone that I am not letting my past define me and I am going to be a better man. I am going to leave these gates and never come back. I will do whatever it takes to make it through the rest of my young adulthood without ending up in jail again. I bet a lot has changed about LA since I went into jail a few years ago. Then again knowing what I know about Los Angeles is not a lot will have changed in a short amount of time. I have been in this jail since I turned 18 but I was in a juvenile place before then.

I have many stories to tell about my time in the juvenile detention center. Probably a lot more than I have of this jail I have spent the last four years in if I am being honest. When I was a young boy I didn't really care about what I did. Nobody really cared about me and if I was destined for great things or not. As long as I was somewhere where I was mostly out of trouble then they felt that it was fine to forgot about me and let me get lost in the fucked up system which is the juvenile detention system. So many kids have gone through and ended up worse of than they were when they arrived. I remember this one kid who was wrongly accused of committing a crim get failed by the system so much that he decided in the end that crime was the only thing left for him.

Enough about me now though. I would really like to get to know you. That is if you still want to go through with this after reading the mess that has been this letter. I apologize again for rambling and I do not blame you one bit if you change your mind. Writing to a convicted criminal like me is not to everyone's taste. Someone told me that he doesn't believe real people sign up for this. Who in their right mind would go about living their lives and then write to someone who has broken the law? I believe there are people out there like you who want to talk to people like me. That guy is just jealous because he was denied entrance to the program. I can't exactly remember what the requirements are myself, but I remember there wasn't that many. I think it was good behavior and something else.

Thanks for reading (if you made it this far)

Danny

I can't help but feel a little bit sorry for this Danny guy. It is clear from how he has tried to organize all that he wanted to tell me in this letter that he needs someone to talk to. I probably shouldn't feel sorry for him at all because he is in jail for a reason, he did break the law after all. It has got to be hard on your mental health to be locked away for 23 hours of the day. Obviously, you are not awake for all 23 of those hours but for those hours you are awake it must be torture. I am going to reply to him though. He sounds incredibly nervous, something which will ease over time as we get to know each other better. I bet the more I get to know him I will find the nice guy that is inside of him. I go to get my notebook so I can start writing my response. At least he has clarified that he is not THAT bad.

It was a huge relief to me to know that he has not committed the two of the worst crimes know to man. I read the letter again just to see if I can figure out for myself what he has done to spend the last four years in an adult jail. Obviously, he has mentioned gang crimes being behind why he has been in and out of jail for the last 8 years. However different gangs prefer to do different things as a way of leaving their mark on the world and I fortunately or unfortunately don't know enough about them to know which gang he was in. It is good to know that he doesn't want to live that lifestyle anymore. It proves to me my theory that inside everyone who is incarcerated in jail is not one hundred percent bad. There is one good thing inside of them.

I am naturally curious to know what he has done. Although I know not to push him to tell me if he doesn't want to. If he opens up to me about his crimes, I want it to come naturally. I am not going to judge his personality based on what he did. I am not exactly one hundred percent perfect either, I have been in Danny's shoes. I have been to jail before, but not for as long as Danny has. I am not going to preach that he should not have done what he has done, because I haven't done that. It seems like he is stuck in a cycle of doing bad things and going to jail and then being released from jail and then a short time later going back in because he has been caught doing something he should not be doing. That seems to be how it goes for him.

If that is true then he is going to need something or someone to break that cycle. Maybe that is what they sign up to the letter exchange for. To finally meet someone who could be able to break that cycle they are stuck in. I guess I will have to wait and see. He said in his letter that he has an interest in music, so maybe I can use that as leverage to break the ice a little bit. He was so brief about himself and I would love to know more. For instance, he hasn't even mentioned what his favorite food is or what kinda of animal he likes. I can write to him about Hollywood Undead to see if that is the kind of music he likes or maybe he likes something else. I don't know how I can talk to him about art though, I am not really much of an artist.

I suppose I can always ask about what art he does and let him just teach me everything he knows about it. I don't even know if I am allowed to send him anything. I would probably send him some sketchbook paper or other good quality paper to let him draw. That would probably help distract him and take his mind off somethings which might be bothering him. After doing a little bit of research on the internet and other sources I am no closer to finding an answer to that. I did know before Danny told me that the guards to read the letters first, so I can always put some paper in and write a note explaining the situation. That way it will be seen by the people who have the answers I need. The worst that can happen is we get told no and the paper is confiscated from us.

I finish writing my letter before all the shops shut for the night. Which is a good thing considering that I only just remembered that I have given Dylan all the sketch paper I had because I wasn't using it at the time. It never occurred to me to keep it for any reason. It doesn't really matter though because I can actually just by some on the way to the post office then add it to the envelope before I send it off. That way I will only have to leave the house once as well. After the day I have had with all of the studio stress all I want to do is relax and maybe watch some television. We are so close to the finish line on this record and I need all my mental strength to get through the final few recording days. I will definitely need a break when it is all done.

If I am going to follow Danny's advice that honesty is the best policy then I bet that he would be a lot easier to deal with even in person than Aron is. Then again having said that I think that anyone would be easier to deal with then Aron in his diva moods. I am still trying to work out why we are still putting up with all the bullshit. I guess that with our first record not being out yet and the fact that we don't really have any evidence of him doing anything wrong we can't kick him out. It would be whoever is brave enough to speak up's word against his and personally I don't think that will end well at all. There is also the minor fact that some of the guys are too afraid to say or do anything right now because Aron will create a lot more problems.

For example, if we kick Aron out too son then he can ruin the bands reputation before we even have a chance to put our foot in the door of the music industry. We would fall and crumble before we even had that chance to say this is who we are and what we do. The safest thing I can thing of doing right now is waiting for the right opportunity to strike. It will mean putting up with the increasingly worse behavior for many more months to come, but it will be worth it in the end. That's what I am currently discussing with Jorel on the phone while I am on the way to the post office. He feels the same way I do about the shitty situation we are finding ourselves in. "One day we are gonna be able to look him in the eyes and say we are doing bending over backwards for you and it will be the best feeling ever," Jorel tells me.

"Definitely and if we do it at the right time we can pick right back up without missing a beat," I tell him. I don't think now is the right time to start discussing the finer details of what we would do when Aron is eventually given the kick up the backside. There are so many possibilities of things that could happen between now and then. "What are you doing anyways? I thought you were staying in tonight?" Jorel asks. He is right, I did say I was staying at home and not going out anywhere. That was before the letter arrived though, and he doesn't know I signed up to the letter exchange and I am not about to tell him. "Got some errands to run I forgot about. Was also planning on getting Taco Bell for dinner because honestly I have no energy to cook," I tell him.

It is not that I am ashamed of writing to Danny because I am not. I just don't want any more drama starting because to be honest Jorel is not always the best at keeping his mouth shut and for some stupid reason Aron hates us having a life outside of the band. "That's fair enough. You tend to forget stuff when you spend six to eight hours pandering to the diva king," Jorel tells me, and I almost spit my coffee out on my dashboard. I didn't, I kinda half chocked on it though which made Jorel confused. "Next time you say something funny please let me finish my mouthful of coffee first," I tell him once I had managed to recover a little bit. To be fair though I don't think he was aware that I had taken a coffee with me. I would have taken a beer, but I don't fancy my chances of being pulled over and then ending up in jail myself.

Then I wouldn't be able to talk to Danny. If you are only out of your cell for one hour a day then you're in one of those higher security units, not general population like I would be. If he said he was out of a gang then they would put him in one for his own protection. Too often a former gang member will straight up be murdered by the gang they used to be in because they are worried all their secrets will be revealed. The police use as much information that a former gang member gives to help take them down. "Of course, George, I honestly thought you would have had a beer by now. Aron has been the worst I have seen him for a while," Jorel tells me. Last week was definitely not as bad as the beginning of this week in terms of behavior.

"I was thinking about it, but I would have more than one beer and I would rather not end up in a jail cell tonight. I don't think diva king would be happy with it either," I tell him. I was just being honest. He doesn't really care about how we feel when it happens to him, but should it dare happen to one of us and it makes us late or cancel a studio day then it is the end of the world. It is honestly very stupid but that's just who we are dealing with. "That makes sense George. I don't think any of us would be allowed a day off until all the songs are done even though Aron would probably be as late as he wants and if he couldn't be bothered coming in then he'd just take the day off," he replies. I drop the letter off at the post office, telling Jorel he had to be on mute for a minute.

He was fine with that because I didn't feel comfortable being that guy on the phone while I drop off a letter. Especially when if they decide to ask questions as to why I am sending a letter to someone in the jail. I was on the phone with Jorel all the way to the Taco Bell trying to talk about anything other than the ongoing band issues. Instead I managed to turn the conversation into dinner and what I was going to have as my decision to go to Taco Bell was kind of spontaneous and I hadn't decided what I wanted before getting to the drive thru. I said goodbye to him when I had gotten my food order because I was going to be seeing him in the morning anyways so it's not like he is going to have to wait too much longer before speaking to me.

The rest of the evening was pretty boring to be honest. Dinner was pretty good, and I got to watch some television. I was going to read, but I need to be in the right mood for it. Today I am not in that mood because I was a bit stressed out. Usually I use reading as a way to escape, find a good book and get lost in the world that the writer has created and forget about my own problems for a little while. However, I am too angry thinking that this week is just going to become worse as the days go on. Aron just can't help himself if he has already gotten himself into trouble once this week then it is going to happen all over again. Management are going to be on his ass until he changes his behavior, and we all know that won't happen.

I put the band drama out of my mind so I can try and enjoy the rest of my evening in peace. The only thing I can think of is that tomorrow is a brand new day, and it may be even better than today has been. I do not possess the gift of vision. I can't predict the future; I could say that Aron will be an absolute asshole from the moment he walks in, to the moment he leaves. That is one possibility, but we will have to see in the morning, he could be really nice, and it will be a better day. I guess this television show is really boring if my mind is drifting back to the one thing that I keep telling myself that I should not be thinking about the shit that is bothering me. I could start thinking about the beginnings of my friendship with Danny and how amazing it is going to be.

I think it is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me to have Danny in my life. Yeah we have not actually met each other yet but I want to. I really want to; I want to see the person I have no clear image of. I reread the letter again to try and picture what Danny would look like in my head. He has got to have tattoos and plenty of them. I picture for some reason of him having the brightest blonde hair which is clearly dyed from brown as he has the most stunning brown eyes I have ever seen. It is probably because I have seen him on a wanted poster before or something. I am not falling in love with him though, I don't even know the guy much. You can like the guy without saying that you are in love with him, he's probably handsome.

3 weeks later – Danny Murillo's point of view –

Everything is finally falling into place. Everything is finally feeling like it is going to be okay for me. George Ragan is the nicest man I have ever met. I finally have something to look forward to every day. I think I get released from jail in a few months' time. I don't know when that day will be yet, I have been told but I forgot about it because otherwise I would spend all night looking at my calendar counting the days. George told me that I am going to be staying with him whenever release day happens when I am finally free. We have only just started dating in the last week or so. Didn't think I would be writing yes I will be your boyfriend in a letter until I met George. He told me I could move in with him to at least have some stability in my life.

I was a little worried about that being too soon but thinking about it further and properly I know that we will have been dating for a few months by then. Everything is going to be just fine. I need to stop letting my anxiety getting to me and making me feel down. I am just getting my life back together and finally breaking the cycle inside myself which is why I am here time and time again. George is visiting me today and I am going to have a good day. I am still writing letters to George as he has reignited my passion for art. He keeps sending me sketch paper and I keep sending him drawings of him and of me and whatever he wants me to draw. It keeps me busy when the days feel like they will last forever because I have nothing else to do with my time.

I am kept in the cell for my own protection, protective custody they call it. Though I am not sure why they call it that. It is not as if they are protecting my mental health or sanity keeping me here. "Morning Danny, what has got you so happy?" Bob asks me. I just finished eating my breakfast and I was waiting for them to call me to go to the visiting room. Bob has been here since before I arrived here from juvie and he has been my mentor since day one. "Maybe I just don't want my depression to rule my day," I tell him. I was telling the truth; depression is NOT going to rule my life and have control. "Good for you kiddo. You are still so young and have everything to live for," he tells me. He is going to be here for the rest of his life. He doesn't want the same for me. He always says when I leave here that I won't come back.

I am curious to see what my own future holds to see how much better I can make it if I just make the right choices. I can't go back to who I used to be, and I certainly can't let George down. George wants to help me make a better life for myself and I have to do everything in my power to make sure that I follow what he tells me. There will be a lot of temptations everywhere I go, and the hardest part will to not give into them. I am NOT in the gang anymore and I am not going to go back to the lifestyle. Even the officers have been saying that they don't want to see me back in the cell when I leave here. That is a lot different from the last time so I must have changed at least a little bit. They used to have bets on when they would see me back.

The most people have bet on is $100 that I would be back in two weeks. Well, they are going to waste that money because I haven't left yet and when I leave those gates I will be saying a big fuck you to everyone who has ever doubted me when my freedom goes from days to weeks to months to years to the rest of my life. There will be quite a few unhappy officers once I leave. They were so insistent on the fact that there was no change to be found in me. That was before I decided to leave the gang that had ruined my life. That was the one thing that they can't take away from me. They have started joking about the fact they used to thing I would definitely be coming back to the jail once I was released in a few months' time.

It was always said in a nice way. There was never any malice behind their words. "Yeah I have a visitor today Bob," I tell him. It was something that he already knew about since he was the one who told me all about the letter scheme. "George again? He has been a really good influence on you," he tells me. I am happy that Bob is supportive of me. I am also that I have someone I can talk to about some of my feelings. "Yeah I can't wait to see him again," I tell him. I am so glad I have someone who a friend and also a good influence on me. It has been a thing which has been long overdue in my life up until now. Long may it continue. Bob smiles with approval and leaves me to wait for visiting time to arrive. I hope I don't stare at a clock for the whole time.

It is visiting time and I am buzzing with excitement. One of the officers comments on my happiness and the bubbly personality they are seeing from me and how proud he is of my change in both mood and behavior. "I finally found what I have been needing in my life," I tell him. All I needed was George to write to me and my life is set. The officer smiles as we arrive at the visiting room. I am a little disappointed that I am not allowed to hug George as the protective custody status doesn't grant that, but that day will come soon enough. "Hey Danny," George says, after we both sit down and pick up the little phones we'll be talking through. I have butterflies in my stomach seeing him in person for the first time since we became boyfriends. "Hey George," I reply. I can't believe that I have missed him so much.

"How have you been?" George asks, we only sent letters to each other three days ago and a lot could have changed. I pinch myself under the desk. I can't believe that after everything that I have told him that he still wants to be with me, and he was the one who asked me to become his boyfriend. "I have been okay thanks. What about you?" hi ask him. He grins and I notice that he has one of my drawings with him. I think that one was the first one that I had ever drew for him. "I have been good thanks. Hey, I was wondering if I could make a photocopy of this for my friend Dylan. I showed him at work, and he loves it," George tells me. I can't believe George likes my artwork, let alone someone who doesn't know me or my past. It's amazing.

From what George has said Dylan is the youngest in their band and even though there can be quite the age gap he is quite mature. Dylan is also an artist like me. George admitted that he had given Dylan some sketch paper he had been keeping in his apartment because he thought that he would never find a use for it and then he remembered it when I had sent that first god awful cringe worthy letter. Why anyone let me use the pen, write that piece of junk, and then send it to George I don't know. However, I am glad I never got rid of it because it has led to this amazing friendship/relationship I am in now. I probably should not have been so negative though. I just didn't believe that it was going to lead to anything and that I was going to be let down again.

One of my brothers promised that he would write to me every week. He told me that he didn't believe what our father had said about me and he still wanted to keep in touch, for me to send him artwork to prove to everyone I was going to be good. I guess father had something to do with it or maybe he did see the real me, not the brave face overly positive big brother who said he didn't do anything wrong. It was when he stopped writing that I fell out of love with art. I didn't think it was useful to do considering I would be the only one to see it and I know that I am my own worst critic. I would get angry and throw away my art when it was halfway done because I didn't think it was good enough. I wasn't good enough for anyone.

I still don't think that I am good enough, but I am slowly learning to love myself just a little bit. George is still expecting my decision on the drawing. I look at it again, it is definitely my first one that I had drawn in over a year, so it is not my best work. However, it is not my worst work ever either, so I don't see any problem in letting Dylan have a photocopy of it. I don't think that Dylan is going to be the type of guy to go around photocopying his photocopy and say that it is his work when it is clearly mine. The quality of my sketch will only get worse with every photocopy made. I don't even know how well it is going to photocopy anyway. I have very high quality paper thanks to George, but I can't have any decent pencils.

"Of course you can. I can even send Dylan stuff through you if he wants. That's if he even wants some original sketches of mine," I tell him, trying my best to not stumble over my words. I could tell that George was holding back a chuckle, he thinks my nervous behavior is cute. "Well, I am sure Dylan would love a drawing. I can pass them on," George tells me. I can't wait to get drawing again and I can send them on to George as soon as possible to pass on to Dylan. I suddenly get an idea of what I can draw today when I am back in my cell. "What does Dylan look like?" I ask George, the plan already forming in my head. I can do a portrait of him. I have done one of George already. George is allowed to show me a picture on his phone.

"In my next letter I will send some photos of the band if you would like," George tells me. He has told me a lot about the band as we both share that music interest. He has also told me all of the drama that is going on with their first record too. "That would be awesome. If anyone else would like me to draw them then just let me know in the letter," I tell him. He does know though that I don't want anyone to feel as if they are being forced into receiving a portrait for me. A very kind officer did something unusual and gave me a piece of paper and a pencil so I can draw a quick sketch of the photo George is showing me. I will spend more time on it when I get back to my cell, it is not like I have anything better to do and it will come out looking amazing. "I will do Danny, you are an amazing artist, and I am sure they will love it," George says.

"Thank you George," I tell him. I don't think that I have ever been compliment as much as I have been since I have met George. Yeah, I guess I have been praised by the people who I was working for and the other gang members when I have done what they have asked. However, it was not with any real emotion behind it. They wanted me to keep my mouth shut and for me to keep working for them, to stay in the gang to do whatever they wanted. It also meant that they were all too eager to throw me under the bus whenever it suited them the most. It is was how I ended up in jail this time. They needed someone as a scapegoat, and I was in the right place at the right time. I am no longer angered by it though, I needed this as a chance to leave.

It wasn't a murder or anything like that. For some strange reason, they have decided that some of the higher ups deserve the credit for killing one of the rival gang members no matter how long they end up in jail for. It gives them another chance of recruiting the young, gullible, and afraid into the gang life. My crime that I was stupid enough to take the credit/blame for was a robbery of a jewelry store at gun point. It's one of the lower crimes you can be done for, but I was glad out of all of the ones they made me chose it was that one. Even with my repeat history the sentence wasn't too bad. It has granted me the opportunity to finally leave gang life, so I am proud of myself. Change is hard especially when old habits die hard.

George has a big smile on his face. I went off into a little bit of a dream land and decided that I wanted to get a little bit more detail on this drawing. To make sure I have the best image of Dylan I can for when I go back to my own cell. George had put his phone away but showed me the same image of Dylan to make sure that I had all of the details that I need. It was quite claustrophobic being in this little visiting room, but it is worth it to make sure that I get that little bit of a change of scenery from the little cell I have been spending the last few years in. It's not too bad being there, less people to distract you and less fights than I saw in the general population unit. The new kids always think they are tougher than the older more experienced prisoners.

"You're welcome my love," George tells me, and I blush. It is the first time that he has ever called me that. I like that nickname as is it something that as real meaning behind it. Something which has never happened to me before. "Sorry Danny, I should have asked you first. I know that we haven't been together very long," he tells me. I am still trying to process all of this. I hadn't said anything for about a minute or so. "It's fine George. I actually really love it. I just have never been called that before and I don't think it is too soon," I tell him. I was being honest with him. This is all brand new to me and I don't know how I should be reacting. I don't think I have ever been in love before. I had been in relationships before, but they were never serious relationships.

"Well, as long as you are happy then I will keep on calling you that my love," George tells me. The warm fuzzy feeling I get inside when he calls me that is unlike anything I have ever felt before. "I feel like I need to come up with a similar nickname for you George," I tell George, feeling a little bit of pressure but my brain hasn't come up with anything good yet. George smiles at me again and I think I heard a little laugh. "Don't worry about coming up with one right away. Let it come to you naturally, we will have plenty of time together," he says. I like the thought of that, the thought of our relationship lasting for a long while. It makes a lot of sense that it will come naturally to me as well. We've not been dating that long and I have no idea what nicknames would be acceptable. I haven't had nicknames for any of my other partners that I can remember.

"Okay, I will let it happen naturally," I tell him. We get the dreaded 10 minute warning for the end of visiting time. I don't want this to end, I don't want George to leave me again. I enjoy all the feelings that I get when I am around him. I enjoy how much happier I am when I am with him. "Keep your chin up my love. You will be out of here soon enough and we will have all day every day to spend together," he tells me. That has been the one thing that has kept me going these last three weeks. It will be the main thing that is going to keep me going through the next few months of my sentence. George puts his hand on the glass, and I put my hand on my side of the glass. My hand is a little bit smaller than his and definitely way less tattooed.

We can't have face to face contact until my release day. It is mainly because of my security level and I am not going to complain about it. I don't want my first kiss with George to be inside of a jail visiting room. At least I get to see George face to face even if we are behind some glass. It is better than just a phone call because I can see him. I can't wait until the day I get to walk out of here with my head held high and I am not going to look back. I am not going to look back because I am not coming back. This is the LAST time I am going to be here. George and I just talk about the band while we wait for the ten minutes to be up even though we don't like this. We don't like the fact that it has to end so soon. I would rather have two hours.

George was reassuring me a lot when they gave us a two minute warning. My mental health has been doing really well but always dips straight after George visits. I get upset because I want to get out of here and I want to see George more often than the few times a month. I didn't realize how rough it was going to be when the officers made the decision to put me into protective custody when I had told them that I had wanted to leave the gang. I had been in general population for a couple months then got put in the hole for a fight when I made the decision to tell them about the gang I was in as much as I knew and that I wanted to leave. At least I knew that in general population for those two months I did generally fit in.

The fight was over something stupid, it was a rival gang thinking that they could take me out easy because in their eyes I was fresh meat, and I was easy prey. They didn't know that I was actually trained in self-defense by some of the older members of the gang who were prison veterans and being in juvie for most of my teen years means I was well adapted to jail life by the time I took the fall. We have classes in the gang where we learn about the prison system and what to do and what not to do so we look like the model prisoner the duration of our stay and we are experts at hiding our true intentions from the officers who think they have the ultimate control. That was the way things went when I was back in the gang life. It is probably still how things are going now. Things never change in a jail no matter how much the officers hate it.

I try to hold back my weakness as I walk back to my cell. People are always watching your every move, waiting for the right opportunity to strike you right where it hurts the most. They might not be able to touch you, but they can shout and scream at you as much as you want. I can feel their eyes on me watching to see if I crumble under the pressure. I manage to keep it all together even long after I entered my cell and sat down on the bunk. I don't know why, but I feel as if I have to be strong for George's sake. He is a big guy, way easily a head higher than I am, and he is more than capable of handling himself. He knows what he is doing. He can also defend himself pretty well too. He doesn't need anything from me. I guess I am the one who needs that support myself.

I write my next letter to George which is going to include a note to Dylan to go along nicely with the portrait that I am doing for him. I just feel like I need to thank him for his support even though he doesn't know the man behind the artwork. It means so much to me that someone else likes my artwork and I can use the confidence to keep going. After I finish my letter I move onto the drawing, using the drawing that I had quickly made during the visit as my reference for the new and improved version I would be sending him. I don't really know how I will find out about Dylan's opinion on my work. Maybe George can tell me when I phone him after I send the art off and he receives it. We have a little schedule going which makes my weeks go by a little easier. That is the only way I can think of getting feedback since visiting isn't going to happen for a while.

I try to hold back the tears again. All the new emotions that keep on bubbling up inside of me are hard to deal with. I am not even sure that I am dealing with them in a healthy way or not. Since I have no one to really talk to about this. Bob is a really great friend and mentor to me, but he is quite set in his ways and those ways are quite outdated by today's standards. For example, he does not really believe that men should be together in a romantic way. He thinks that it is evil and wrong and against everything that he stands for. He doesn't mind us being friends with other guys, you don't see any women apart from female guards in this prison, so we have no other alternative. For some people it is a very lonely life, and they want the relationships that they had on the outside.

I say Bob's views are quite outdated because they are. He is a 60 – 70 year old man who is one of the strictest Christians I know. He's always so kind and gentle with everyone even though that is probably not the tactic that most inmates go for here. I think even the hardest of criminals see Bob as the cute little old man who is like the grandad of whatever unit he is on. He's here for life and the officers are taking somewhat of an unusual approach with his status. It's too their advantage of course but none of us are complaining about it. It's the one time that we will let them use an inmate get us out of jail by trying to teach us how to be good men and to change their lives before it is too late. It might not work for everyone, but for those that it does work then it is the best thing in the world.

I don't know how it managed to happen that Christians think that Gay men are disgusting and wrong when there is nothing in the bible that says that gay people can't be together, but I try not to make a fuss out of it. It is hard enough being straight in a prison, let alone label yourself as gay, or bi. You are an even easier target than someone who is classed as fresh meat. There are some real nasty people who are so obsessed with sex that they will do anything to get it and I mean ANYTHING to get that. Rapists already don't care about their victims on the outside, so they are not going to care if they make some inmates victims. It might be cruel but that is how their minds work and how cruel they are as "people" in the world.

Bob doesn't know that George and I are dating. All he knows is that we have become really close friends over the last three or four weeks and nothing else. It is awful that I keep having to hide my true emotions all the time even around George. You would think that because I have already opened up to him so much already that I can just talk to him about anything right? Well, not exactly. The first thing I have to deal with is that the cops are going to read every word that I send to George and could use that against me if they see any issue with it. There would never be anything that they could use against me, but I am not taking that risk. The second thing I have to deal with is the inmates themselves. Even in protective custody I deal with them.

It sorta ties in with what I think the cops would do so far as they would use anything that they perceive as a weapon of weakness against me. The only different is that the inmates will do it because they get a sadistic kick out of it. They enjoy seeing you squirm and crack under the pressure they put on you and that turns into a lifetime of bulling. The final thing I have to deal with is my own brain, and all of the self-doubt that comes with it. I am still waiting for the moment where George has had enough of me and that he is going to tell me that everything is over. I know that it is all going to end eventually. There just seems to be a pattern of people slowly leaving my life and when they finally walk away they tend to leave for good then.

They all blame themselves when they say that our friendship is over, but it is all lies they think they are doing me a favor by telling me that. They are also too afraid to tell me that I am the real reason that they don't want me around. I would not do anything to them because I know that I am not a good person or a friend to be around. I ruin everything and no one can tell me otherwise. Well they can tell me otherwise as much they want but that doesn't mean I am going to listen to them. If anyone does think otherwise then they are lying to themselves. Either that or they actually don't know me all that well or like they think they do. I have to stop letting the bad thoughts get to me again, this is not going to end well for me if this keeps happening.

Some of the other inmates were not kidding when they told me that your mental health takes a battering when you are here. They warn you that you will go crazy when you get put in the hole and spend those twenty three hours a day. They also say that suicide rates are triple that in jail then when they are in prison and the first few days of a new inmates life in the jail are the make or break for them. They will often put new inmates under suicide watch where they get a special outfit they can't break into pieces to use to hurt themselves or worse attempt to kill themselves. They are at the worst mentally and there is not a whole lot the prison can do other than put them on watch and try and keep them as safe as possible. They aren't really trained to deal with mental health issues like a psychiatric unit.

When I first left the gang I was lost and didn't know what to do with myself. I had been in the 70ft square cell with no idea what was next for me. I had no idea that there was a life outside of the cell and outside of the gang life. I felt suicidal and got my mental health evaluated by the nurse, I got put into suicide watch before I got the chance to do something I would regret. They have diagnosed me with anxiety and moderate depression since I have been here which honestly was not something that surprised me. I was going to be diagnosed with anxiety before I ended up in jail again. It takes a lot longer to be diagnosed on the outside than on the inside which is not right really. Someone shouldn't have to commit a crime to have their voices heard.

I was not really in the mood for eating dinner but with my mental health history I had to show an officer that I at least ate a little bit. If they don't think that I am eating then they are going to send me to the mental health unit which could then push back my release date just that little bit further if they wanted more time to monitor me and to make sure that I am okay. I don't know if I want to end up on the psych floor again. I always considered my mental health to be on the milder side of the scale of inmates with mental health issues in this jail. Some of the people make you wonder why they are even in here to begin with. I am pretty sure that they would have a better time if they were in a proper mental health facility than in here.

I told myself this morning that I was NOT going to let my anxiety get me down like it usually does. Yet here I am at 5.30 pm letting my anxiety get the better of me. Bob is usually with me here, but he has been busy using his advantage to talk to a new arrival who has already ended up in the hole which is fine by me. I was in the fresh meats shoes when I was 18 and was told that I was now too old for juvie. I got a massive shock when I arrived here. It's definitely not little kids jail around here. Bob was the one who helped me find my feet. The rules are different for helpers like Bob, he is in here for life, so they created a role for him to help him keep busy at the same time as helping control the inmates and I think attempt reduce the suicide rates here.

"Hey Dan, how did the visit with George go today?" he asks me. I know that I wasn't going to meet fresh meat today. I jumped because I was focused on making a romantic drawing of George and I as a last minute addition to the letter. Bob won't make fun of me for that and the drawing is hidden for now. "Oh hey Bob. The visit went really well. How is the fresh meat settling in?" I ask him, and he sighs. I can tell he has quite the story to tell me. It is interesting to have him have a conversation through the "letter box" of the cell door. He is allowed in the room with me if he needs to, but we didn't ask. I sit on the stool by the door. "To be honest with you Dan, not that great so far," he tells me. I can't wait to hear how this has gone down so far.

"He's a former juvie kid like you, but unlike you he is a very cocky and arrogant little shit. This kid is not going to last long in here with that attitude unless he enjoys the hole for the duration of his stay," Bob tells me. You know it is serious when Bob uses words like shit. In terms of swears it is not that big and it is a minor word however Bob being as strict of a Christian as he is then he never uses words like that. He goes into more detail about what this guy has said and done since we have gotten up this morning and doing stuff. As we talk we hear that the kid is starting to shout from his cell across to another inmate to attempt to start some trouble. Steve is the person who he is trying to aggravate, and we all know that is not going to go down well. Steve is well known for being the undefeatable one in fights and has caused a lot of trouble.

"Seems like this kid has a death wish or something," I tell Bob. This kid is lucky that he has the safety and security of being behind the cell door wall. It doesn't take much to rile Steve up when he is in a mood and typically when he is in the hole his mood and patience with people is a lot lower than it usually would be. He especially hates being talked to or shouted at by new kids. He has his little circle that he deals with and he doesn't want anything to do with people outside of that circle. The most Steve will say to us is high when he is in the mood too and that is not guaranteed every day. We know to leave him to it, and it will go a lot smoother for us if we do. You don't know people until you have experienced how they have been in the hole.

We try not to laugh as this new kid is just getting himself into deeper and deeper trouble. No matter how hard Steve was being pushed he was not one for budging and he was doing really well considering this kid was really pushing his luck. Even the officer dealing with the incident was impressed by the fact that Steve was keeping so calm and composed. That is going to work in Steve's favor later down the line when they consider letting him out of the hole. I am hoping for Steve's sake that he gets out of the hole before I leave here when my sentence is finally over and done with. Eventually it all calms down and we can go about the rest of our evenings in as much peace as a man can get in the hole when people are angry about being in here.

4 months later – Danny's point of view –

Today is the day I never thought would happen. It is the day that I am finally going to be released and I am making sure that it is the last time I am being released from prison. This is the last morning I am going to be here for the rest of my life. I am determined to be a good person from now on. "I'm so proud of you Danny. You've come a long way from that young man I met all those years ago," Bob says. I have had my breakfast and I am packing my stuff in the bag that is going to be left here and packing some other stuff I might want to take with me. "Thanks Bob. I don't think I would be the man I am now if it weren't for you," I tell him, being 100% honest with him. He was one of the ones who opened my eyes to the fact that I needed to change, and it needed to happen quickly.

He has been the only one who has supported me from the start, and he deserves to know how much it is appreciated especially by me. "You're very welcome. I will be in here for the rest of my life, so if I can help at least one person and stop them from making the same mistake I did then I am happy. Also you need to give yourself some credit, after all you made the changes you needed to as well," he tells me. That is fair enough and I feel like it is something that I want to do in return. Like he said, if I can make a difference to one person's life and stop them from going down the same bad road then a life goal is complete. This life of doing crime and then doing time and then it repeating over and over again is not worth it honestly. If they wanted me to do a scared straight program later on down the road then I would totally do it without hesitating.

"Yeah I hope one day I can convince someone else to not go down the same route I did," I tell him. Bob smiles at me. It didn't take me long before I felt like I am all packed since there is not a lot I want to take with me. Just all of the letters George has ever sent me and all of the photos he has sent too. Some of my original drawings can be given to Bob so he has something to remember me by at least. "I think you will do just fine my boy, if anyone can change lives and make a difference it is you," Bob tells me. I hope for his sake he is right. I want to make a difference to someone's life I really want to. Maybe I can use my passion for art or for music to help the kids like me. The kids who had no one to listen to them when they needed them most.

As it draws closer to the time that I can finally leave I start feeling a new mixture of emotions. I am going to miss Bob when I leave. He has been the most helpful person in here other than the officers and staff who work here. I know his inmate number and name off by heart now. Maybe I can write letters to him when I leave so at least we can keep in touch. He would fully understand if I told him that once I leave I never plan on stepping foot in this place again unless I absolutely have to. I am one of the lucky ones by being able to leave. There are so many people here who are going to be calling their cells and this prison home for the rest of their lives. Some of them will then come to realize too late that they don't want to be in here for that long.

By then it is too late and there is nothing that they can do about it. I was lucky to have Bob around to listen to me. He was the first person that really took the time to listen to me and to understand what I was going through. He is another reason behind why I would want to make music with some meaning behind it, a way too reach out to those who could get lost into the system that doesn't really want to pay attention to them and get to the source of their issues and why they feel the way that they feel. If you get the reasons behind the bad behavior then you are more likely to find a way to make them change that or to improve their life. Maybe music will be my way of giving back to the community and trying to prevent kids from ending up here.

The kids like me at 14 and beyond who had no one to that would listen to them. The kids who will do anything to make anyone listen to them no matter what the cost might be. Even if that means committing a crime or several crimes. If I can make songs that they can relate to then maybe they wouldn't feel to need to commit those crimes and act out as much. They will have that someone to hear them and someone they can relate to. Maybe I can talk to George about it one day since he is in a band himself and he has made songs like I want to make. He will know more about it than me as well since this is his full time job after all. The band's first record is coming out soon, maybe in the next month or two and I am so proud of him.

Now it is time to say goodbye to Bob and this jail for the last time. I was starting to feel a little more emotional like I mentioned earlier, I am going to miss Bob like crazy. He has been reassuring me all morning that I am going to do just fine on the outside and that he believes he will see me in the media one day doing amazing things. I am not going to miss this jail one bit though; this place has been hell on earth. As the police officer comes to escort me through to the entrance where I will be leaving, the excitement starts to build. I can finally hug George for the first time and maybe we can kiss. "Now Murillo I mean this in the nicest possible way when I say I do not want to see your ass back in here," the officer says as we walk out of the segregation block. It is something that I was never going to be offended by at all.

"Don't worry office, I mean it when I say that I have no plans or intentions to come back," I tell him. I am finally allowed to change into normal clothes, the ones that I wore when I was arrested last, but it is better than the thought of walking out of here in a prison uniform or naked. All of a sudden I hear the voice of doubt in my head. "George isn't going to be there you know. He doesn't really love you. The relationship isn't going to last now you're free," it tells me. I ignore it because when I called George last night he told me that he was going to come and get me. I know that he wouldn't lie to me especially not on the phone. I happily hand back everything the officers need back. Then there is some bits of paperwork I have to sign before I am officially released and can walk out of those gates hopefully into the waiting arms of George. The officers didn't mention or make any indication that anyone is here to collect me or that they care.

That is the issue with the officers that mainly work the front intake desks. They don't get to know you as well as the officers inside the jail itself. The ones who patrol your cell block, make sure you're in order and are there to shake you down or strip search you. To the front deskers we are just another criminal who is going to leave, and they expect to see us back within the next thirty days or so. I bounce my foot while I sit awaiting them to make sure that they have all of the paperwork in order and to make sure I don't suddenly have any outstanding warrants for things I might have done before I was arrested. You don't know if the gang I used to be in would decide to put my name down for another crime they want me to take the fall for.

The gang leader who is on the outside will know that I have left the gang by now. Word spreads like wildfire in the jail and they always have someone who is in the jail who will report back to the higher ups whenever something happens. I don't think I need to worry about them coming after me. They have no idea that I have told the officers anything. My thoughts turn to what I want to do when I get out in a few minutes, I haven't smoked a cigarette in months, and I know George smokes. I haven't seen the sky or felt the grass under my feet for months either. The sound of going for a walk on one of the beaches on a nice day or evening also sound amazing to me. Although being honest with myself anything sounds better than being in here for months at a time again. Now it is time for the moment of truth and the moment I have been waiting for. Is George going to be waiting for me outside of these gates or not?

I didn't have to wait long to find out. George was waiting for me when I walk out of the gates. "DANNY" George calls, in case he didn't think that I had seen him the first time. He slowly jogs towards me and as soon as we get close to each other he picks me up and I hug him as tightly as I dare. It has been way too long since I have hugged someone, and it is the best feeling in the world. "Hey George. It has been way too long since I have hugged someone," I tell him. George grins at me. I am just overwhelmed with the happiness of being out and freedom. I have not seen the outside world for years and I am not going to take it for granted ever again. "I bet my love. I also don't think that you have had one of these in a long time either," George tells me, and I feel quite confused. I have a vague idea of what he is hinting at and what he means.

George clears it all up when he kisses me on the lips. He was definitely right about that; I have not been kissed in a long time. I think it has been longer than I have been hugged. I kiss him back and it was the best feeling in the world. The butterflies I had whenever I was about to see George was nothing compared to how I was feeling now. "You are right George; I have not had a kiss in such a long time. It was the best I have ever had," I tell him, as he puts me down on the ground so we can walk to his car and I can go home. His arm goes around my shoulders and it just feels right. It feels like it was meant to be, and this was destined to happen in some strange way. My new better life starts right now, and I could not be more ready for this change. "I am glad you enjoyed that kiss because there are plenty more where that came from" he tells me. I honestly really like the sound of that.

Then the voice of doubt comes back into my head along with the severe anxiety. "Wait you are not sick of me already?" I ask him. I had to ask him because it was just going to irritate my anxiety even further and we had just gotten into the car. He seemed to be quite stunned by the fact that I has said that so soon after I have gotten out of jail. "I am not sick of you my love. I have been waiting for this day for so long. I have been ready to welcome you to our apartment," George tells me. For the first time in forever I feel safe enough to let some tears fall and George carefully wipes them away as they fall. He is concerned but I feel like he understands where I am coming from and why my emotions are everywhere. Someone actually cares about me. "I love you too sexy," I tell him, finally figuring out a nickname for him. It is not the best, but it will do.

He is an incredibly sexy man, and I am the luckiest man alive to have him as my boyfriend. Especially when there are so many women who will also view George in the same way that I do. I have been spending a lot of my time in jail working out which George approves of as he considers me to be sexy as well. "I'm glad. Let's go home and enjoy the time that we can start tonight the way that we should do," he tells me. I couldn't agree with George more and I excited realizing that I get to spend the night with George in the same bed possibly. It is all up to him what he has set up in our home. I like the sounds of all of these words, like ours and home. "Let's go home George," I tell him. He makes the drive to the apartment and when he wasn't changing gears he held my hand. I held his hand and looked out the window as I see Los Angeles for the first time in years.

Nothing has really changed; I see gang members everywhere and just life continuing on as normal. No one is going to pay us much attention. I know that it is still a taboo subject to be openly gay and in a gay relationship because it is 2008 and things haven't changed since I was in jail. One day we are going to be able to walk around openly holding hands and maybe posting some pictures of ourselves romantically on social media. The future is looking bright for me and I am going to take every opportunity that I am going to get to make sure I stay on the right track and have a good life on the outside. I need to start looking for a job in the next few days and see how far I can get. It is not going to be easy, but I am more than willing to rise up to the challenge and show to potential employers why my criminal record is not going to define who I am as a person anymore.

"I know it is not much but welcome home Danny," George tells me when we arrive at our apartment. To me this is luxury, I don't have to spend 23 hours a day in one room as there are many rooms in here. I also don't have to sleep in the same room that I pee in anymore. You don't know how much you take a bathroom for granted until you are in a cell and face a broken toilet. "Are you kidding me? This is luxury compared with where I was just this morning," I tell him. I am looking forward to so many things that he won't even consider. I can have decent hot food, food whenever I feel hungry, privacy to shower, not constant strip searches by guards during shakedowns, and the ability to watch as many shows as possible. "Oh yeah, I am sorry Dan I forgot," he tells me. I don't expect him to know what jail is like. I can't remember if he has been to jail himself or not. it has been a while since he has told me.

"It is okay George. You don't have to apologize. I didn't expect you to realize it feels different to me than it will do to you," I tell him. To someone like George who has lived here longer I know that it doesn't feel like much and he might even feel disappointed that it is not a mansion in his eyes. "That makes sense. Feel free to explore the apartment and settle in," George tells me. I do need to find a bathroom, as I haven't really felt the need to go until now. I found the two bedrooms and I can hear George making himself busy in the kitchen. I do eventually find it and I am amazing by how clean and well decorated the apartment is. I go back into the second bedroom and sit on the bed. I am not sure how to deal with how suddenly overwhelmed I feel right now. I don't deserve George's kindness or love.

"Hey Danny, are you okay bud?" George asks me. I don't know how long I have been sitting here alone for. Obviously, it has been long enough for George to come and find me and check up on me. I just shrug because I can't find any words to explain how I feel. He comes to sit next to me on the bed and then I naturally cuddle up to him for the reassurance and it feels right. "I just feel very overwhelmed by all of this. It is like every part of my body is screaming that I don't deserve to be released or to be here and definitely don't deserve to be here with you," I tell him. I have spent the last 6 years either locked in a cell or out on the streets fighting for my right to survive praying I don't get caught by the cops. George has got to be the most understanding guy I have ever met in my entire life.

I was wondering how long it would take for my depression to rear it's ugly head. I guess it is hitting me alongside the anxiety and the culture shock. I have never thought that this day would come so I had not thought about how I would cope with life on the outside. I don't feel as if I was ready for all of this. George just lets me sit next to him under his arm while he draws small soothing circles on my arm. He lets me vent all of my issues without saying anything or trying to interrupt me. I need to figure out a way to get to a doctor soon so I can stop anxiety and depression getting to me. I have plenty of time to talk to George and get all of that organized in the next few days and weeks. He lets me talk about anything that I want to get off my chest.

Like the fight that landed me in intensive care and made me quickly realize that if I didn't leave the gang life soon enough that I was not going to make it out of the jail alive. It scared me straight and I have made damn sure to make that change that is necessary to make sure that I was going to walk out of the jail instead of being taken out in a van on the way to a cemetery somewhere where no one was going to miss me. That was before I had met George and had my life flipped right side up. I would have said upside down, but I have lived my life so upside down already that I felt like right way round sounds a whole lot better. George was clearly more concerned that I had almost died in jail, but he was happy that I am alive and here now.

If I felt like the last 6 years have been crazy nothing could have prepared me for what has happened in the last 5 to 6 months of my sentence. Bob really has a lot I am thankful for when it comes to how I am feeling right now and that I am out of jail with a secure roof over my head and someone who can finally keep me out of jail for good. Dylan loved all my artwork and he still doesn't know I have been in jail. I am going to be meeting the band soon and I am excited for it. I have drawn for all of them since that discussion with George about drawing for Dylan and from what I have heard the feedback has been quite good this far. The only one who wasn't that keen on my art was Aron but from what I have heard from George was that the opinion who doesn't really matter what he thinks.

"I know Danny. You have had a rough six years and I think that it is about time that life was nice to you," George tells me. He might be right, but I don't think about it that way. My brain doesn't allow me to think that way. I made the choices which I paid for when I went to jail. The only choice that was not mine was to be homeless at 17 years old. "I guess so," I tell him, trying to not be very negative because today is meant to be a positive day. He gets up and I miss his touch already. "Well, how about joining me for lunch in the kitchen? I bet you're starving," he asks me. I like the sound of that because I actually feel quite hungry. He holds out his hand. "Lunch sounds amazing," I tell him, as I take his hand I get up out of the bed. I have got to stop being so anxious about everything.

Lunch was amazing. It was actual food and looked so good. Yes, you could argue that the jail food I have been living on for the last 6 years was better than being starved but everyone knows that food is always barely edible. It is like they want to make you suffer more while you're inside. "Thank you George, this is amazing," I tell him. If this is how well he cooks, then this morning I officially died and made it into heaven. George just seems to be the best at everything, and I mean everything. "You're very welcome," he tells me. I bet he was finding me adorable right now, I have barely been out for a day and I am just overly happy once the anxiety goes away. I wash and dry all the lunch dishes when I am finished, but George won't let me put them away. He puts his finger under my chin so that I look into his eyes. I move closer to him and then he moves his hand away from my face and puts them both on my waist. Then we have a sweet yet passionate kiss.

He was right when he told me there was more where that came from. I feel like now all my anxiety has gone away that I am walking on cloud 9. He finishes putting the dishes away, telling me that I should go into the living room and relax. I can't think of anything better to do so I go into the living room and make myself comfortable on the couch. It was the first time that I had a comfortable seat in a long time. George walks in after a few minutes and sits next to me. "Hey handsome, lets find something cool to watch," he says. I let him chose what we watch because I have no idea what shows are current or cool. It is something which didn't seem to bother George. I bet it is because he has been waiting months to show me all of his favorite cool shows. After a few minutes I move myself so that I am sitting on George's lap and I am glad he doesn't mind.

I am just going to try and put my mind at ease and enjoy my second chance and new life that has just started. If you had told me 6 or 8 months ago that at the end of my sentence I would have a permanent roof over my head and boyfriend who loves me even though he knows what I used to be part of then I would have called you a liar for sure. The Danny who was in jail back then believed that there was nothing to look forward to in life and that whenever his sentence ended that he was going to end up right where he was when he was arrested. Homeless with nowhere to go and no one to support him. I know deep down the jail would not have allowed me to leave unless they knew I had somewhere to live. They would have put me in a place like a halfway house or something until I could get back onto my feet and support myself.

George decides that he wants to start playing with my hair. I don't mind it and actually find it quite relaxing. I close my eyes and just try and listen to the TV. It is so weird being used to the noise of jail every day to being out. You almost feel as if you have gone deaf it is so quiet. I don't think I need to warn George about the sudden jumpiness I might have now that I am out. He knows how loud it is when I was allowed phone calls. Someone always had to yell about something even if it was mostly nonsense words. George chuckled a couple of times when he looked at me and he saw me with my eyes closed and a huge smile on my face. I was relaxed and I was not happy when he decided to stop playing with my hair all of a sudden.

"I am sorry, and I am glad that you are comfy Danny, but I need to get us some snacks and drinks. I also need the bathroom," George tells me. I take the cue/hint and move off George's lap. He does as he tells me he is going to do. He comes back with two cans of soda and a big bag of chips. "Thanks George," I tell him as we make ourselves comfortable together on the couch once more. The day could not be going any better in my opinion. Then George's phone rang. He told whoever was on the other side of the phone that he was busy and not available to hang out today. I was naturally quite curious about who was on the phone, but I decided to not say anything about it. It is not my business who George talks too. He's a free man after all.

"Sorry Danny, Jorel wanted me to spent the afternoon with him. I already told him that my good friend was moving in from another state and I was going to be spending today with them," George tells me. I was wondering how we were going to introduce me into the group. They obviously know about me because George has been talking about me and I sent them drawings and I know quite a lot about them at this point. I am not ready to say to new people that I was in jail for the last 6 years so being out of state is good enough for me. I know they could look up my details in the system if they wanted to and it would all be there. "Fair enough George don't let the fact that I am here stop you from spending time with them though," I tell him. The last thing we need is for all of them to change their mind and start hating me.

I have seen it too many times before. A guy is in an all-male friendship group of at least 4 or more people. That guy then gets a girlfriend, and that guy spends any of his free time with that girlfriend talking to her or taking her out on dates. That then leads to anger and hatred towards both the guy and the girl for spending too much time together. Eventually the whole group falls apart because for some odd reason they are very jealous of the guy who has the girlfriend. "Don't worry about that my love. I spend plenty of time with the guys especially since our first record is so close to completion. A few days away is a good thing," he tells me. That makes sense to me, because too much time with the same people and getting stressed will also be the potential ending of a friendship group no matter how tight they feel the friendship is.

Something tells me that when the record does come out that they will all spend at least a couple of days away from each other after all the initial celebrations are over. I could tell sometimes when we would talk to each other on the phone when he has had a rough day in the studio because his tone of voice just sounds stressed and he is a lot more apologetic towards me. I know all to well how it feels to be that stressed and how it feels to be on the receiving end of the stress. Officers are not perfect one hundred percent of the time and they know that. It is how they are dealing with it in front of other people is how they are respected or not. That was my view on the situations I observed on a daily basis sometimes during my lifetime.

All we do for the next few hours is watch television and drink soda. We had finished the bag of chips within an hour and a half. Well George at most of them, I was eating some too, but I was not used to eating so much and having that freedom to eat whenever I wanted to, so I was not that hungry. I was also just enjoying the fact that I was spending the day not alone anymore. I wasn't even so bothered about being in the same room for most of the day because I knew that it was not as claustrophobic and disgusting as the room I had spend so long in. I was pretty relaxed, and I was happy to be by George's side the whole time. Every now and again we would just look up or down at each other and just give each other a little quick kiss on the cheek.

Part of us feels like we need some catch up time because for the last four months of our relationship we have been physically separated from each other. We don't kiss each other too frequently because we do not want to over do it and we wouldn't kiss each other every minute of the day if we had started our relationship in a normal scenario like us both being home. At least we can make more normal memories with each other now that I am free. I can't wait for the day where we get to go out on a proper date and just be ourselves. My stomach is starting to rumble a little bit and I think it is coming close to the time in the evening we would be having dinner. My schedule is all off and I am all confused but I am going to be okay. I will adjust to this in the space of a week.

"Now tell me Danny, when was the last time you had a decent takeaway pizza?" George asks me. I have to spend a minute or so thinking about it. I know it has definitely not happened while I was in jail at least. "Not for a long time why?" I ask him. We have been sat here watching TV for hours just comfortably. The only time we moved off the couch was to go to the bathroom. I have a good feeling that I know where this is going. "Well, I am considering ordering some pizza for dinner tonight, but only if you want some pizza too," George tells me. That sounds like an amazing idea. I am getting kind of hungry again to be honest like I was thinking about earlier. "Sounds good to me," I tell him, and he smiles at me. I am glad that he is happy.

"Okay, lets order a pizza then," he tells me. He shows me the menu from a pizza place I am unfamiliar with, but I trust his judgment one hundred percent. We make the order together and decide for a regular three cheese pizza because I wasn't so sure on some of the toppings. I have had some of the toppings before, but this is the first time in years I am having any sort of junk food and I don't want to make myself ill accidentally. Soon the pizza is here, and George decides we should have a break from watching TV and have a floor picnic instead. He also brought two beers with him and I know for a fact that I have not had beer in so long. "To a fresh start and new beginnings," he tells me, holding his beer can in the air and we toast our cans. Today is the start of a long crime free life I can tell. I have worked too hard to screw up now.

My first evening and night out of jail was probably the most relaxed I have ever felt in my entire life. George and I spend a good few hours playing video games together. Neither of us were sore losers during the racing or too hard on each other in the other games we played. George had another beer during our gaming session, but I decided against it. Typically when it comes to me alcohol usually leads to problems. Especially the kind of problems which also end up with me being arrested as teen because I was stupid enough to allow myself to be caught. George didn't even pressure me once to have another beer which was a nice change. Bob was right when he told me that George was a good influence on me. I will have to thank him for that one day.

"I am so proud of you Danny. You have made several steps today that I didn't expect on your first day out of jail. You're going to prove all of those stupid doubters wrong I can feel it," George tells me, and I smile. I was just glad to be out of the toxic environment I was in. No more peer pressure, no more being forced into doing things that actually made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. "Thanks George, but I can't take all the credit for this. Us being paired for that letter exchange was the final thing that switched that change switch on in my head," I tell him. He has to know how much he has done for me and how much he has helped me even if he already knows that himself and just wants to be humble about it all. Did I mention before that I have found the perfect man for me? If not then I am saying it now. George is the perfect man.

I am so happy that I am spending tonight in a comfortable double bed which I am not going to fall off of in the middle of the next. What is even better is that I get to sleep next to the man that I love for the first night of many to come. I didn't want to ask about the sleeping arrangements at first and I was more than happy to sleep in the spare room, but he insisted that we should sleep in the same bed. After all we have been waiting months for this moment. He has even gone so far as to get me a whole new wardrobe and all the essentials thanks to the friend. We had a little silly ceremony at bedtime of me getting rid of my old life by throwing the clothes that I was arrested in for the last time in the trash. I did suggest burning them, but it was too late in the day for that.

If you made it this far congratulations. I am so sorry for the lack of posting in the last few months. I thought I was going to be uploading more in lockdown 1.0 but it turns out that wasn't the case. Then the writers block hit and I hate feeling like I let you guys down but this girl needed a break. Hopefully more updates to come but I don't know.

Page | 26