Disease DM X CS

For Chiara4235 – also no disrespect is meant to any wife/girlfriend. This is just a story folks. Also sorry for the delay, I managed to dislocate my knee in September so have spent the last couple of months recovering.

October 2009

I never really thought about love. I never really put much thought or consideration into whether or not I would find love and settle down. That all changed when Daniel Rose Murillo entered my life. He is everything I have could ever hope or dreamed of. That was until I found out he had already gotten married to a woman named Theresa. I suppose my hopes and dreams are a little bit silly considering there is no chance I am ever going to have a hope in hell of dating Danny, and I won't find anyone like him either. It's not like I can hide it either, the rest of the band saw the look in my eyes when I first saw Danny instantly. They won't tease me about it, I am sure I heard one of them say that they felt sorry for me during all of this. All I can say is she is lucky.

I have made Jorel, Matt, Dylan and George keep this secret from Danny. There is no way that I am going to make him feel uncomfortable when he has only just joined the band. It will be hard enough for him to adjust from going from his old band with like 4 people in to being in the band where there are 6 and all the crew and all of the fans who will either love him or hate him. Those that would hate him only would because they prefer Deuce and can't understand that they are two very different individuals. They both also have different vocal styles and after listening to them both I can safely say that I enjoy Danny's far more. Then again, I am a little biased in that as I have a huge crush on the dude. I never thought being an adult would be so similar to being a teen.

You know, when you have that big crush on the perfect person and your heart gets crushed when you see them with someone else and being all lovey dovey? That is how I feel now that I know Danny is married, he even has plans on having children with her. I am not opposed to having children or even being a stepparent if that was ever a possibility. I guess I am thinking ahead too far at this point, there is no way that I Jordon Terrell also known as Charlie Scene has a hope in hell of ever dating Danny. That is just setting myself up for failure at this point. I feel very stupid for writing all of this down in the first place, but it isn't going to be seen by anyone. Not until my disease takes me at least. I am hoping that will be a while yet, though the more I think about it the less confident I am.

I was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease shortly after our first album came out, so about a year ago now. No one in the band knows, at this point there is no issue with them not knowing. It is in early stages at this point, and I am managing my symptoms really well. If it gets worse then I will probably have to tell them, but I am going to be delaying that for as long as humanly possible. My symptoms haven't been that severe either, but I am doing my best to keep suspicions low. I am documenting them in this book on a separate page, but no one has found it yet. I suppose there is always the possibility anyone could find it before I die, but I would feel betrayed. I am only writing in this journal to keep track of my thoughts and to try and get used to the fact that I have a serious illness.

However, like most days I am too distracted to write much more. It has been a couple of weeks since Danny joined us on tour, and we only have another two weeks left before we go back to our normal lives until either studio time or more tours. We are going to start planning the second/sophomore album with Danny now instead of Deuce which is going to be a lot to get used to considering we have an ep with Deuce still on it and I don't think we have said that Deuce is gone forever or not. So much has happened in this tour alone, it is hard to keep up. I know Deuce didn't show up for the tour, so I decided to take on his vocals until it was becoming too much, and they phoned Danny to ask if he would join us and he agreed which has been amazing for all of us.

Jorel was the one who asked, he has known Danny for a while now and knew he was good at music. We have seen that for ourselves over the last few weeks. There has been sometimes where he has felt a little overwhelmed and he will go to the stage of wherever we are playing and just mess around on the guitar until he has calmed himself down again. We know to leave him alone during that time. Speaking of time, I have to go.

Jordon's p.o.v

I don't know why I felt the need to end that like I was texting my own journal. However, Danny was lurking near the bunk. "Hey Danny, what's up?" I ask him. He walks over to his bunk and climbs into it before flopping down. He sighs, and I have to keep calm because I am finding him very sexy in this moment. I shouldn't though, he is a taken man and won't want someone like me. "Not much, just stupidly tired," he tells me. He would be tired, you usually are on tour because of the schedule that you go by is different from the one at home. I know I go to bed later on tour than I ever do at home, it is usually because the shows end late and then you are not tired and then you spend forever trying to go to sleep. Then having insomnia on top doesn't help.

"Yeah, I get how that feels, are you going to take a nap while we have nothing to do?" I ask him, I reached for my phone. I am going to be staying in here answering messages and emails and lurking on social media for a little while. "Probably, I know I shouldn't, but I am so tired," he tells me, and then he yawns which makes me want to yawn too. I think there have been plenty of times where one of us has taken a nap. Either that or we stay in bed until 2 pm all still sleeping. "Not necessarily Dan, I read somewhere that taking a nap of about twenty minutes every day is a great way to relieve fatigue and to focus during your working day. That and we all had to wake up early for that stupid interview," I tell him. I think I got that information from a fitness app or something.

I think Danny took my advice because I looked over after I had finished answering a few emails and saw him curled up facing me and fast asleep. It did nothing to help the feelings I have developed for this man. I continue with my plan of aimlessly scrolling through social media as a distraction while Danny sleeps in the bunk across from me. That will be until George or one of the other band members walk in wondering where Danny and I have gone because we are so quiet. I didn't even tell anyone I was coming in here, I just walked in and here I have stayed for the last two and a half hours. If I mentioned anything about the journal then they would just harass me about it until I caved in, and they already know too much about me and my crush.

"Budge up Jord," George says, as he walked in. He looked at Danny who hadn't moved since he fell asleep about an hour and a half ago and covered him with his blanket as I shuffled up to be closer to the wall so George could join me in the bunk. "What's up George?" I ask, as he joins me on the bunk, and I stay close to him. He looks over to Danny who had rolled over in his sleep, then looks back to me and smiles. "Danny mentioned something about going to take a nap and I saw that you were already in here, so I thought that I would check up on you. I know being this close to your crush is hard," he tells me, whispering the last part. I don't think Danny is awake enough to have heard George, but I appreciate him whispering all the same.

"I know, I just didn't fancy moving after he fell asleep. I didn't want him to wake up alone," I tell him. I care a lot about the band, I have been dubbed the band's dad on a few occasions already and I am sure that will continue as we continue to grow and develop our fanbase. I am sure Danny would be fine waking up alone, but it would be a little disorientating being in a somewhat unfamiliar place and the person you fell asleep near to not being there. This bus can be scary at times, claustrophobic even. "Fair enough, he appreciates how much you care about him. It's made the transition to the band a lot easier in his opinion," George tells me. I had no idea, then again, they probably have discussions about how he is settling in when I haven't been there.

I don't mind them talking about me when I am not in the room, just so long as it is nothing negative. So far though it seems to be positive. I am happy about the fact that just being my normal caring self has helped Danny with an otherwise difficult transition. He doesn't speak much about the things that went on with his previous band, even less about the brief American Idol stint I had heard about through a mutual friend. He doesn't need to worry about that though, his secret is safe with me. No one else in the band knows that one just yet even though there are clips of it on you tube I am sure of it. The fans will probably know before the rest of the band does. They can be better than the FBI when it comes to finding out information.

Honestly, it both amazes me and frightens me at the same time. They would be good hires though, if the FBI ever listen in on my conversations or thoughts. Super fans of boy bands everywhere being hired by the world's security services for their super detective skills. It would make an amazing headline let me tell you. "I had no idea that he thought that I thought it would have been difficult for him regardless you know. He did mention something about the band he was in not going well and big fights happening," I tell George. George gave me a look that felt like it was telling me that he didn't know that about Danny yet. I didn't even think it was my place to tell, but I don't think that Danny would mind who I have told. It has only been George.

"Yeah, well you've just proved it yourself. Danny doesn't feel as comfortable telling us this kind of information as he is with you. You're a really good friend," he tells me. I think a little bit, and I suppose he is right. I have never realized but it had become a little bit of a routine that when Danny was having a hard time with this he would come in after I had finished my entry into the journal for the day and we would have a chat where he would vent his feelings to me, and I would tell him why his feelings were valid and give him ways of helping him deal with the emotions that came with those feelings. "I'm only doing what I feel like a friend should do naturally. It sounded like he needs some better friends than the ones he had," I tell him.

"Like you should, I'd definitely read a tips book from you," he tells me. I shake my head, it's more like I have picked up things from how these guys have treated me over the years. It has not been an easy ride becoming an adult that is for sure, especially losing both my mother and my father, leaving me with two brothers and a sister to help when needed. It hit hard after mom died, especially after already losing dad too, but the band helped me through it all. "Yeah right, no one would read it unless it was a joking one about how to be Charlie Scene for dummies," I tell him. George rolled his eyes, and I smiled. It was kind of true though, fans would buy the shit out of that book if I ever made it. I should probably look into that.

After probably around two hours of me scrolling on my phone and occasional conversations with George Danny wakes up from his nap. "Good sleep Dan?" George asks, and all Dan does at this stage of being awake is nod. He looked like all he wanted to do was to roll over because he would want to fall back to sleep. "I am too tired to determine if it helped or not yet," he tells us, which is fair enough. We did kind of bombard him right when he woke up which must not have me the smartest thing. It takes me at least twenty minutes from the moment I open my eyes to feel awake enough for a conversation. Danny rolls over and tumbles out of the bunk. We both look down in shock and he just stays there on the floor where he landed.

"I'm okay… I think," Danny says after a minute or two. I climb over George to help Danny off the floor and at least on his feet. "Thanks, Jord," Danny says, and we walk to the back-living area to chill while he wakes up a little more. George will probably join us in a moment, he was a bit shocked by the sudden change in events. Danny might want to talk to me in private in a little while, who knows? He just followed me into the back-living area, and I wasn't in the mood to get back into my bunk at this point. I don't mind the company though. If I am left alone to my thoughts for too long, they get all sad and depressing due to the fact that eventually my kidneys are going to fail, and I will need at least one of them transplanting. I don't even think I would be a match with anyone in the band.

Then again, I don't know anyone's blood types so I wouldn't be able to know for sure if I am a match with them or not. I suppose I don't need to find out if I am planning on keeping my condition a secret from them all for as long as physically possible. "Everything okay Jord?" Danny asks me. I hadn't even realized he was trying to get my attention until now. I had been too distracted with my own thoughts. "Yeah fine, I just was thinking up some new lyrics," I tell him. A probably unconvincing lie but I had nothing else spring to mind. I could easily scribble down some lyrics now, if he really wanted proof, but I don't think he does. I did have some lyrics for a song in mind, but Aron told me it was too depressing to be a Hollywood Undead song.

Bullet

My legs are dangling off the edge, the bottom of the bottle is my only friend

I think I'll slit my wrist again, and I'm gone, gone, gone, gone

My legs are dangling off the edge, a stomach full of pills didn't work again

I'll put a bullet in my head, and I'm gone, gone, gone, gone

I could probably put a verse with it, but I am not in the mood for it right now. I think we're going to end up with Danny as our front man for the second record which won't be out for a while yet, so I have plenty of time. "Can I see some lyrics? I don't mind if that is something, you'd rather keep private," Danny says, first being really pumped, then toning it down into almost sadness towards the end. I don't know where he got the idea of people hiding lyrics from each other. I personally haven't and won't because maybe someone will look at the part I have started and think about other words and lyrics will fit perfectly and before you know it a song is born. "Of course, you can, I might find some of these embarrassing in the future, but I don't mind sharing," I tell him.

I go and get my songwriting book, being careful to make sure it isn't my journal since they look pretty similar. I then hand it over to Danny when I walk back in, and I get to enjoy his concentration face as he reads each page carefully. I see him spend more time on the bullet page then any of the others I have written on so far. Maybe he is coming up with some good ideas in that smart brain of his. "I wish that I could fly, way up in the sky, like a bird so high, oh I might just try," he says to himself, and I like the idea of it. I know one of our producers Griffin Boice has a kid who would be a perfect little voice for that role too. "They sound pretty good Danny, maybe you should write those down. Who knows it could fit at the end of the song," I tell him.

It surprised him; I don't think he realized that I heard him. "Oh, uh thanks, I guess. I wasn't really expecting anyone to like it," Danny says, and I hope that I haven't just made the situation more awkward for him. I wanted to be honest with him, I like the lyrics he sang. I think they would be great at the end of the song, now I need some inspiration for the rest of the song as the bit I wrote was the chorus. "Yeah, I think it's really good, you're a good song writer," I tell him, and I hand him the pen I usually keep with the notebook. He takes the pen and then writes the lyrics carefully in some of the free space on the bottom of the page. His handwriting is incredibly neat next to mine, I had rushed those lyrics to be fair. I could have taken more time.

Once Danny is done looking through my notebook, I go and put it away again. Then I see that George has set the Nintendo Wii up and I see Mario Kart's opening credits. "Oh Ragan, you're so going down," I tell him, as he hands me a controller. I don't know how competitive Danny may or may not be yet, so I can't taunt him. "Yeah right Terrell, that's never going to happen," George replies, and Danny just gets to sit there and be amused. This is where I am predicting that he is going to be seeming to struggle with the game until the last lap of the first round where he'll sneak into first place and destroy everyone in his path. I don't want to say anything that might ruin his plans, so I just watch as we all set up our characters and cars of choice.

It was exactly how I had imagined it would. Danny is incredibly good at playing the underdog and then sneaking in last second to take the victory. We played several rounds, and he still didn't raise our suspicions even though we probably should have thought or said something by now. I think George is going easy on him as well a little bit. This is the first time that any of us on the tour bus have decided to play games with Danny. Therefore, I think we've naturally decided that until we know how he's gonna react to the possibility of losing and then it might end up going terribly wrong, and that is the last thing we want. Although, if I was being completely honest with anyone, Danny is a really nice guy, so I don't see him being a sore loser or something.

It kept going for a really long time, even Danny let us win a couple of times. When I say let us win I mean it, the guy would have kept whooping our asses if we didn't start showing it on our faces a little bit how in awe we were that he was just so good. He even tried apologizing to which we just told him it was fine, because it really was fine, we were just messing around with him a little bit. It felt good to not have anyone argue over what place they thought they should have come when we were all in the top 5 each time anyway. It also gave us more of a satisfaction when it came to seeing the trophies on the select screen being all in gold and everything. If anything, Danny was doing us a service at being a completionist for the game.

Eventually some of the others came in curious to see where we had gone and what we were up to, so they wanted to join in. When Jorel was the first one it went okay because he still managed to make top 5, and he was impressed about how well Danny played his little game. He'd only take first if he knew that we were in the top 5. That meant that even Jorel could have a win if he really wanted one and he did get one. Then Dylan came along and pretty much the exact same thing happened because there were 5 of us so one of us had a spot between 1st and 5th and the rest were just the NPCs. Finally, curiosity got the better of Matt and he joined in too, this is kinda where it started going downhill a little bit since Danny was still pulling wins.

He let Matt win and we were all happy with coming between 2nd and 5th, but a lot of the time Matt had somehow ended up in 11th and 10th place more often than he ever came 6th and it meant he was getting frustrated and taking it out on the rest of us when he really had no business doing so, if we threw something and it meant that one of the others were hit, we'd apologize and move on from it. Then you'd have Matt who would end up holding a grudge over you for the rest of that round and it would become a lot less fun to play. It hit Danny first, who dropped out after 3 cups. "I'm gonna go make myself a coffee, you guys have fun," he says, and he got up, stretched, and then left the room. George threw him a look, yeah, we were never going to go too easy on Danny, but we had all been nicer than Matt was being.

Naturally I was the next to drop out, I was becoming sick of it, and I wanted to go and see how Danny was doing in case we managed to really upset him. When I got to the main living area of the bus, I saw Danny on his phone with his coffee in the other hand. "You alright? Sorry about Matt, we should have warned you about how salty he gets," I tell him, as I go to make myself a coffee. We never mentioned it even when he asked if it always went calmly. "It's fine, I'm okay. Something does tell me though that he was being a little more extra today than usual," Danny says, and I smile. He was right though; Matt was being a bit extra today. I don't know what had gotten into him that made him decide that he was going to be a dick.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Time skip~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

March 2015

If you had told me that one day your life was going to go from the perfect dream to the worst nightmare you ever lived through, I would have believed you. The only thing I wouldn't have believed you on is if you told me that a few months ago I would have caught the love of my life, the mother to my child cheating on me with another man. Well, unfortunately for me that is what happened and here I am sitting in an empty apartment, too depressed to actually force myself to unpack and officially move everything in. In my head it is like, why should I bother when no one actually cares about me? Why when all I do is cause misery and ruin people's lives? I am not the perfect boyfriend or husband; she wouldn't have cheated on me if I were. I can't see where I went wrong though.

The boys in the band still text me, daily in fact. They are asking me if I am okay and if I am coming to the studio to work on our next album this week. I can't bring myself to answer them, I have been ignoring their calls too. They know nothing about what happened between me and my wife, I haven't told them anything and she's not bothered to change anything about her social medias yet, even though the divorce was finalized weeks ago. I get visitation with my daughter though, which is the silver lining in all of this I suppose. She tells me things like how she doesn't like mommy's new boyfriend, and as much as I want to verbally say yes I agree and that I wish mommy could have told me what was wrong so we could have worked this out, I just can't do it. I have to be the one saying, "Oh I am sure he is a really nice man, and it will just take some time." Through gritted teeth.

She gets upset each time she has to leave. There is nothing else I can do though, because of how frequently we tour, there was no way the courts were going to grant me custody where she'd have to visit her mother instead of me. Her room and the living room are the only rooms that are truly furnished anyways, the kitchen was done when I moved in and so was the bathroom. She doesn't see the depressive mess which is my bedroom and the studio I would eventually start recording in. I don't want her to think that I am sad, because that will make her sad and things will steadily go downhill from there into places, I really don't want them to go. If they don't think that I am capable of looking after her, then they will take her away from me whether I like it or not. It's the way of the world.

I suppose this rambling is not going to make much sense to me after a while. I am going to get over this and all of these worries are just me slightly overreacting and convincing myself that I don't deserve my own daughter and that all of the emotions I am going through are going to last forever and that was what my fate was doomed to be. I feel like someone is knocking at the door, but no one really cares about me that much. Why would they? They all have way better lives to lead than mine. George has his daughter and wife to think about, I'm pretty sure Anna and Dylan will have kids soon too. Everyone will be busy with their own lives, and I will just stay lonely. I am surprised I have even been kept in the band this long, all I seem to ever do is cause trouble for people.

The last band I was in ended in a massive fight between me and the drummer because I had already done one tour with Hollywood Undead, and it was looking like a better and more permanent job. I was tired of going back to the same warped tours with little to no audience participation and the worst pay conditions we had in a while. We seem to be on better terms now though, but our friendship hasn't gone back to the closeness it used to be. Whoever keeps knocking on the door seems to be really persistent, I suppose I better wrap this up and answer it before they call the police or something to come and knock the door down. God today's entry has been all over the place just like my brain. Maybe I should look into getting a therapist or something.. Call the doc I must be sick, better get me my medicine.

Danny's p.o.v

I wonder who it could possibly be at the door. The mail people don't deliver to the door, and I know for a fact that I have not ordered anything off of Amazon or anything like that. I get up and walk to the door. They seemed to have calmed down a little bit, but earlier it was like my door was about to be broken down. I open it and see Jordon standing there with a worried expression on his face. He looked a little relieved to see me standing there. "Hey Danny, I was so worried about you," he tells me, and I didn't know how to react. I just sort of shuffled back and let him walk into the apartment, let him see the sort of state it has become. They knew I had moved out of Theresa's house, but no idea why. I don't even know why I gave them my new address.

"Hey Jordon, sorry things got a bit hectic with the move and everything sorry," I tell him. He would know I am lying to him. I moved about a month ago and things should probably have calmed down by then. We don't go to the studio until tomorrow if I remember correctly, but some of them might have gone today. I have tried not to read the messages, because they will have seen that I have read it and expect an answer when I haven't really been in the mood to talk to anyone. I sat down on the couch, and he sat down on the chair facing me. I could see it on his face that he is trying to work something out, maybe my poker face mask isn't on tight enough. I don't want to seem nervous because then he will suspect something is wrong.

"Don't worry about it Danny. Sometimes shitty situations just take over and you never know how to tell anyone right?" he says, something telling me that he was speaking from personal experience as well as figuring out there was more to what was going on with me than I have been letting on. Of course they'd know the signs of depression without me having to scream and shout, "Hey look at me I'm fucking depressed." They have gone though some form of depression before. I shuffle my feet a little and look down. I can't believe I am about to admit to my band member that I am fucking depressed, and my life turned to shit. It is probably not even that bad on the grand scheme of things. "Yeah I suppose," I tell him.

I have no idea where this conversation will go, I am kinda glad Scarlett isn't coming over tonight. I don't think I need her to find out that this whole thing has made me depressed. Theresa was friends with some of the other girlfriends and wives in the band, so everyone probably knows by now about our divorce. "I just want you to know I am always here for you. Even if you think it is inconvenient timing or whatever," Jordon says, and I almost don't believe him apart from the fact that I am looking into his eyes, and I can see genuine concern and care in them. "I appreciate it, I don't think I'm quite ready to talk about everything. I just keep pushing and pushing it back into the deep corner of my mind to forget about it. It also seems to be where I forget about unpacking the rest of my stuff," I tell him.

For some reason, I feel more comfortable being able to say things to these men I have become close to than I have my friends that I had grown up with. I just admitted that there is something wrong but at the moment I am not ready to talk about it and to me it looks like Jordon is accepting of this decision and that is one of the reasons why I trust them so much. I am actually being treated the way I have tried to treat people my whole adult life so far. Jordon gets up and looks at me. "If you don't mind you take some time to think about sweet fuck all here and I'll unpack for you," he tells me, and I don't mind personally. I know that I don't really care where any of my stuff is arranged at the moment. I'll have more time when I'm mentally stable to worry about that.

"Sure I think I've decorated everything that I really want control over at the moment," I tell him. I am probably worrying him with how my mental state is going but I can't be bothered hiding it anymore. I feel like it can be more tiring hiding how I truly feel from everyone than just being like hey I'm depressed and can't be bothered with anything today. I'm going to just sit here and like Jordon suggested think about sweet fuck all and maybe just watch some television while Jordon finds and unpacks the two rooms I haven't done anything with yet. I sit with my knees drawn to my chest and just focus on the television. I am also going to ignore my phone again; I don't think I have the mental strength to handle messages right now.

I know for a fact there will be text messages, voicemails, and emails for me to answer to later. That is for future Danny to deal with, not present Danny. Management will be talking about the next album; I'll be asked about next contact with Scarlett and then when I am next in the studio. Those are all questions I do not want to face right now. Just have to follow Jordon's advice and just put them out of my mind for the next few hours. Maybe I can even get away with waiting until tomorrow morning where I might have woken up in a better mood than I have today. I honestly wanted to crawl back into bed this morning and never leave. I haven't eaten anything; I didn't even bother making myself a coffee when I eventually got up.

I'm starting to get a little bit of a dehydration headache, but like a lot of my needs I am probably going to end up neglecting it. I know if Jordon or George and probably Jorel were to find out how badly I had been neglecting my own needs then I would be in a lot of trouble, but I am kinda hoping they'd understand where my mindset is right now and why I just haven't been in the mood for making sure I eat three meals a day and stuff. I eventually make myself a drink when the headache gets too bad, but right now its tolerable. It's like there is something in me that is still alive. I'm not completely dead inside if I can feel a little bit of pain right? At least that is the way I am currently seeing it. I don't know how else to see it right now.

After about a couple of hours Jordon walks back in, he then walks into the kitchen to make us both coffees. I decided it is not worth the conflict to have him tell me that I really need to be taking more care of myself. I do appreciate all the help he's offering me at the moment, but I am also not really in the mood to tell him how I have had little energy to be dealing with myself at the moment. The divorce and the following depression took it all out of me. I still have the opinion that he would understand once I told him what was going on, he already acts as if he knows something isn't quite right with me. He's probably been talking to George about it, I was quite close to telling him what was going on one day after the girls had a play date.

I just couldn't bring myself to finish what I wanted to say and left shortly after and then have been ignoring all the calls and texts, so he is probably very hurt and concerned. I suppose once I am in a better headspace I gotta apologize for all of that. Jordon walks back into the room with the coffees and sits down next to me. He hands me mine, while I was looking at my phone. All those notifications were giving me huge anxiety. "George isn't angry at you by the way. I know you're probably thinking how the fuck do I know? Well, Theresa kinda told Asia what happened, and she told George," Jordon says, making my phone crash to the floor. I can't be mad at her though, she has a right to let her friends know what is going on as much as I do.

"I felt fucking awful for it, I really did. I just don't think I am ready to confront everything that has happened and deal with it though," I tell him. He obviously knows what went down because George probably told him before he went to come and check on me to see how my stupid ass is holding up. "He knows you do Danny, that's why he isn't angry at you. None of us are, you two were high school sweethearts for crying out loud. It's a long time to be with someone and then suddenly it comes to an end," He explains. It makes total sense. I pick up my phone and decide to look at some of the messages. They were concerned but there was a point where they found out because it turned into support and them telling me to take as much time as I felt I need.

I still feel quite overwhelmed, so I put the phone down and don't respond. It's not like they're going to be mad at me. They have already told me that I can take as much time as I need, and Jordon can probably tell them that I am indeed alive and doing relatively okay given my current circumstances. I think it is either later on this week or early next week that we are going to the studio, and I am going to be there. Parts of me feel like it is about time that I move on and start getting my life back to normal, but then the majority in my brain is telling me that it's too soon and that I am nowhere near ready for any of it. My brain really does go 100 miles a minute at the worst time. "Don't worry about replying to them, I'll send them a message later," Jordon says.

"Okay, don't expect to be paid like you're my assistant or something," I tell him, and he smiles. It felt like the old happier me came back in that brief moment. It felt nice to have the old me back too, it kind of gave me proof that I am not a total failure, and I can go back to what the better version of me was. "Alright, just this once but if it becomes a regular thing Murillo I might start charging in Taco Bell," he tells me, and I feel like I can smile back. It is like for a moment the depression went away, and I could be the old me again. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I was just stuck so far in that it felt impossible to see the end. It is like you are stuck in a hole and there is a ladder but every time you start to climb that ladder something pulls it away.

You begin climbing the ladder and then suddenly there is a demon stomping your hand until you fall and you're back to square one and you feel more and more disheartened every time you try again until you give up and let the demons inside your head win. "I know it's going to be hard, but you can do it. I know for a fact that everyone in the band will support you and let you take all the time you need to rest and recover," he tells me. I know he is speaking the truth and being honest with me, but it will take a long time for my brain to truly accept that and know when I next go into the studio that pressure that little voice in the back of my head is telling me about won't be there. Jordon will probably understand where I am coming from.

"Yeah I know. I just have this little voice inside my head that every now and again pops up and tells me I am not good enough and that I am going to be terrible at singing today and you'll all hate me for it, and I can't figure out where the dang off switch is," I tell him. I am really appreciate Jordon being here and supporting me. It felt really good to finally start getting things off my chest and I know Jordon would want me to try and talk about everything as much as I feel comfortable. "That is something we can work on together in time. You probably feel like a little ant who has a monster sized battle ahead of you and you think to yourself there is no possible way I could fight this on my own," Jordon tells me, and I nod. He gets it.

Finally someone understands what I am going through and I feel even more stupid for not realizing it sooner. "I know some things are clicking in your head but don't put yourself down anymore for it. When you work with people no matter how close you get there is always something in the back of your head thinking, there is no way I can talk about this with you. I had it with George and Jorel after my parents died, so you are not alone in this," he tells me. I figured that this would be the case, after all he comes from a place of understanding. George has probably sat down with him one day and had the exact same conversation. "I bet they are really helpful. I just need to let people in don't I?" I ask him. He seems like he is proud of me. I have made what feels like massive baby steps in the right direction today. "Yeah, but you are never under any pressure to open up if you don't feel like you can," he tells me.

"You have already made progress today, remember the smallest of victories should be as important as the bigger ones," he tells me. Once again he is right, I need to memorize that one. I suppose self-care is a bunch of little victories for me. Like finishing this coffee for example, there have been too many times where I have made a coffee gotten distracted and not finished it and ended up throwing it down the sink. Today is the first time where I have actually finished it all and it was still warm. I feel like if I go down this route then things are going to become easier for me. I have had a shower recently, so I am not stinky. However I could probably do with a shave. That poses a slightly different problem for me. I will need help.

"Jordon, do you think I could possibly have your help with shaving. I think you know where I am coming from when I say that I don't think I trust myself right now in this headspace," I tell him. He gets up and goes into my bathroom. Then he comes back with a small hand towel and a razor as well as my shaving foam and a small bowl of water. "Right I have never done this on another person before so bear with me and let me know if I am hurting you," Jordon says, and I nod. I am going to be as still as possible anyway because apart from my parents teaching me, I have never had someone else do it for me either. I just want to take advantage of this sudden trust and confidence I have right now. This is the first time this week I have willingly done selfcare.

I just haven't felt like I have been in the right headspace to just get up, make three meals a day, make sure I'm showered and fresh and then do everything else that mounts up on me. "Okay, that wasn't too bad. How do you feel?" Jordon asks me, when he wipes my face clean, and I know he is done. I feel my face, and I feel nice and clean shaven now. "I feel good. Thanks Jordon," I tell him. I go into the bathroom to clean the rest of my face. I don't focus on how I look in the mirror because I know if I do I am going to be annoyed with the stranger staring back at me. I don't recognize myself right now, it used to be really scary but now I want to look at it with a fresh prospective. I want to recognize myself again and become a better man.

"Hey Dan, I am gonna be thinking about making dinner soon. Is there anything in particular that you fancy eating right now?" Jordon asks, he knew it was going to be a difficult question for me. I wasn't even aware that it was already almost that time of the day again. I am too used to ignoring my own hunger cues. "Whatever you're making will be fine by me," I tell him. I don't want to overthink it too much because then I am not talking myself into being able to keep up with the progress I have made and eat some dinner and then immediately talk myself out of it because the demons have decided to rear their ugly heads again. That is not fair on Jordon at all, he has been so patient and kind with me today, so I want to make it easier.

I sit down on the couch again and I look at my phone which had been left on the coffee table ever since Jordon told me they knew about my breakup and that he was going to be dealing with my messages. I left my phone unlocked, I had nothing to hide from Jordon and I knew what he was going to be doing on there. Most of the texts were from them saying that they were glad I was okay and that they wanted to help in whatever way they could. George was the one who was most active, talking to me about how he felt sorry for me that I had to deal with all of them knowing because Theresa had told Asia and the other girls. I told him how I wasn't bothered as they would have found out one way or the other, and it wasn't up to me who she told.

I just know she wasn't all that truthful to Asia and the other girls about it because she told them we split on mutual terms and didn't mention that she cheated on me, then again you wouldn't want to tell your friends oh by the way I have split from my husband cause I found someone new, and I cheated on him with this new man. I don't think even I want to shout that to the world, only George and Jordon know for now and that is how I want things to stay. George was quick to reply again saying that he understood, but it felt to him that my freedom of choice was robbed a little bit. I told him that I was probably going to have struggled telling anyone, I had a hard enough time coming to terms that it was over to begin with and that wouldn't have changed if I went into the studio like hey I was cheated on and my relationship is done.

I think he understood and then we stopped messaging as Jordon had brought dinner over. I thanked him for it, and it was like a switch went off in my brain like oh hey food, I'm hungry. It was a good evening.

3 years later – Jordon's point of view

"How's Danny doing?" Jorel asks someone, I don't know what is going on apart from my kidney failure got worse and I had an operation for new kidneys today. I had woken up in recovery but some time between me being in there and being moved back to my room I fell asleep again. "He's alright, still on oxygen but sleeping the rest of the anesthesia off," George tells him through the phone. Now I am even more confused. I saw Danny before I had the operation and he was just fine, he told me that I was going to be okay. "That's fair enough, he really had us worried for a minute there. I had no idea he had that planned," Jorel says. Then he looks around and sees that I am awake now and the confusion must have been evident on my face.

"Hey Jord, how are you feeling?" he asks, putting the phone down on the side. George is still on the phone because I heard a "Hi Jordon," from him. I managed to say hi back to him, but my throat is pretty sore from the breathing tube. Matt was here too and so was Dylan, but one of them was getting coffees and I don't know where the other one was. George and Jorel wrapped their phone call up and Jorel looked at me. "You know how you were getting one live donor kidney and one that wasn't?" Jorel asks me, waiting for me to give him a response. I knew that the doctor told me that when he was taking me down for the operation because they said it might take longer than a normal op because of the waiting for both kidneys to arrive.

"Well, Danny was your live donor. We had no idea, but apparently he had been on the register since before he joined us in the band. He's in a different ward recovering, but he is okay," Jorel explains, rushing the last bit. My eyes went wide, I told no one about what was going on with my body. I went to every single appointment by myself. They must have told him when they saw he was a potential match for me before they could go ahead with it. "If he's okay then why did George say he needed oxygen still?" I ask. It annoys me knowing that they won't let me go and see him. He will need to spend time in hospital as will I and we'll both be quite sore. "He had a little bit of a reaction coming round. The doctors told George he will be fine once the anesthetic wears off," Jorel explains.

"I hope he'll be okay. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that he has donated to me. I just wished he would have told me first," I tell him, and Jorel nods. It must have been a shock to them to have me wheeled to surgery and then my surgeon turn to Danny and do all that pre-op shit they did to me on him and tell them that he was going to be my second donor. I feel sorry for the family of the first donor, they died for and did a selfless thing for an idiot like me to live. "Would you have let him continue with it if he told you that he was going to be doing it?" Jorel asks me, I know what they would have said if they were in my position. One drunken night many many years ago we somehow got onto the topic of it, and they said no.

"Not really, I just know it is a big surgery with a long recovery time. I know you can live with only one kidney but like that's a really big change," I tell him. I had a sip of water to help ease the scratchiness in my throat. Matt decided that was the perfect time to walk in with the coffees he had bought for himself and Jorel. I know I will be on immunosuppressants for the rest of my life, but at least I am alive. "Yeah but knowing Danny he would never be able to live with himself if something went wrong with the other kidney and he could have helped you," Matt tells me. That was a fair point, the amount this guy helped us during the time he has been in the band has been nothing short of incredible. Even when I helped him through the darkest time of his life he paid me back.

I never wanted repayment for it, I wanted to help my friend. A friend who I may or may not have a crush on. I hated seeing him so sad and hurt like that, but I focused on helping him as much as possible so he would never have to feel like that again. If we did ever end up dating I would make sure that it never happened again. He would never have to suffer with a broken heart as long as I am around. "I'll message George again later to see how Dan is doing. Maybe if you're both stable then you could face time each other. That way both of you won't be worrying about not being able to see each other until the doctors allow you out of bed," Jorel says, he was looking at his phone. Probably updating the ladies on the madness of today.

"Sounds good to me," I tell him. I was itching to see Danny, but I know my limits. We have both been on the operating table for hours, we have both been cut open and have incisions and a lot of healing to do. I feel like I need to repay him now for what he has done. Maybe when my head is less fuzzy I will be able to come up with something good. This is the issue when you are trying to get something for someone who never lets on what he wants or needs. Every birthday or Christmas you ask him what he would like, and he always replies with nothing. Maybe I'll draft his mom into this, she messaged me when she had heard what I had done when Danny was in the worst state of depression. We are good friends now and talk often.

Once I am out of hospital and out home recovering from the mega operation I have just had I will message his mom and see what she thinks will be a good idea. I am not going to push it too far and if I am unable to get whatever gift we decide upon I am going to recruit the help of someone else in the band for it. They will be thinking similar thoughts to me about wanting to get Danny something as a thanks for what he did. I also want to get a card for the other donor's family to let them know how much their painful decision meant to me. It must have been so difficult for them to have to say goodbye to their loved one as they're rushed off to have surgery to donate their organs to potentially save the lives of as many people as possible.

"Dan is doing better, still needing a little help with his breathing, but the doc says that once the anesthetic has worn off more he won't need it as much," Jorel fills Matt in as the curly haired male takes a generous sip of the coffee. Matt looks at Jorel with a little bit of surprise, I take it that he didn't know how bad Danny was feeling until now. "That's good, gave me a good scare for sure," Matt tells us, and we both nod. I wasn't aware of what exactly went on, but I knew it was pretty serious. I don't think I want to know the specifics either if it has worried them that much. "Yeah I know, but we had no idea he was going to do this let alone have the reaction he did," Jorel says.

"That's a fair point, he probably thought that he would have been fine. The think with general anesthetic is that you might not have a reaction to it one time and then a reaction the next time. I do think it will mean doctors will be more cautious with him going forward," Matt explains. That makes perfect sense to me, there is a certain level of risk each time you sign that consent form. I could have had the same reaction. The main thing that they will be looking for with me is that I don't start showing signs of rejection from the kidneys. I am keeping all of my fingers crossed that it will be fine. "Yeah, and don't forget I wasn't exactly honest about my own health," I tell them. I want to apologize to all of them for that, it wasn't fair on them.

"Don't worry about that Jordon. You had your reasons, we had a doctor explain the whole thing to us while you were under and Danny already knew when he had gotten the call that he was a potential match for you," he tells me. That makes sense, they would have had a lot of questions once they tried to get hold of me and Danny and I told them I was in hospital. Danny was already here come to think of it, and I wasn't sure why. I guess they wanted him in once I had said yes so that they could do all of those pre-op checks that they like doing. I think there are more tests involved when you're not a close relative for someone you are donating to. I didn't do much research on it myself; I didn't want to get my hopes up because I knew it was going to take a while.

"I know, but I could have been a little more honest that something wasn't quite right with me. There was a certain level on denial with me that I couldn't tell anyone. Not even my brothers knew what was going on," I tell him. Jorel gave me a sympathetic smile and I had another sip of my water. It will be nice when I can eat and drink like normal again. "I would like to think that you went through similar thoughts and emotions that Danny went through before he told us about his depression three years ago. You worry about how we would react and those typical reactions you see on the TV when something big is told," Jorel explains. I remember that day well. It was not too long after I had spent the week with Danny helping him.

He had decided that after spending that previous week with me helping him and making sure he took care of his needs. We went to the doctor who confirmed the diagnosis, and we discussed the options. He felt like he should be honest with the guys and let them know what was going on in terms of his mental health as people were worrying about him. Being with someone for close to ten years and then the relationship ends when he thought thinks were going fine was tough on him. they accepted it well and he has been doing really well ever since. He hasn't had another partner since, but it was only three years ago. There is every possibility that he is simply not ready or interested in finding someone new to start a relationship with.

"That's fairly accurate to be honest Jay. I know that I was more worried about how you would react to the news and how it would affect the band more than myself," I tell him. I knew that no matter what I was going to be supported, I just didn't want it to mean that any shows or tours or even album releases were cancelled because of me. I know pretty much Danny feels the same way, he told me as much when he wanted to tell them about his mental health. I know that it won't affect it too greatly and that should we ever have to make that kind of announcement to the fans that they would support us. It's just in the moment your brain works a little differently. "Yeah and we get why but we're always gonna support you," Matt says.

I bet there is going to be a group chat made between the four of them about our operations today and how they are going to split up taking care of our stubborn asses. We know that we aren't going to be the easiest patients to deal with, but that is only because we are equally as stubborn as each other and that we want to be as independent as possible as soon as possible. Danny will be the first one who will be trying to get out of bed and cooking and doing things for himself. That is probably why George is in the room with him now. He won't be sleeping the anesthetic for too much longer and he will be asking how I am and if he can come and see me. I don't think that is a good idea right now, he's going to be sore, and he needs his rest.

"Danny's awake again, he is asking about you Jord," Jorel says, with a smile. He was looking at his phone, obviously George has sent him a message. I hope George is doing okay with him there. I know that he is worried for us both. "If you pass me my phone I could probably face time him. It will stop him worrying and George from trying to stop him from getting out of that bed and coming to see me too soon. We don't need Danny staying here more than he needs to because he has managed to make things worse," I tell him. Jorel and Matt seem to agree with me as I am handed my phone and I unlock it to find Danny in my contacts. I find him under Little Lion, and I press the facetime button. Jorel was prewarning George.

He answered almost immediately but I could hear him talking to George and promising how he wasn't going to be leaving the hospital bed while we were on the phone with each other. Jorel looked at me and I made a similar promise. I heard Dylan say he was going to stand outside and be a security guard to make sure that Danny didn't leave his bed or the part of the ward he was on. George told him he didn't need to because Danny would soon feel the consequences of trying to get out of the bed in his current condition. You feel as week as a newborn puppy or kitten. You're not sure that you are in your own body because you're so wobbly.

J: Hey Danny, how are you feeling now?

D: Hey Jord, I'm feeling good. Well better than earlier at least.

I could see the nasal canula on his face and he was really pale still. I probably looked pretty pale and tired myself. I don't like focusing on the little square in the corner that is what the person sees of me. His hair was all messed up, probably from George messing with it to reassure himself that everything is going to be okay. He tends to only do that with Danny when he is feeling particularly stressed about a situation. I think of it as his brotherly love towards Danny. While we are thinking of something else to say and avoiding the elephant in the room Jorel, Jordon, George and Dylan tell us that they are going to get something to eat.

J: Thanks for what you did today. I am not mad I swear.

D: You're welcome. I know you didn't say anything, but I had been on the list to donate for a while then I got the call, and the rest is history.

J: Yeah I only found out because I overheard Jorel talking to George when I woke up the second time

D: Classic us huh? We never get to tell each other these big things it always ends up being through someone else.

J: Ha-ha never thought of it that way. I am glad you're doing better though. When I heard that it didn't go too well when they were waking you up my mind was like ohhh fuck

D: Yeah, George was in full on panic mode when I came round. I think he has started taking over your dad in the band role a little. I wasn't aware of what had happened until the doctor told me off for trying to take the oxygen off.

J: Well in your drug fuzzed mind you probably were thinking hey I can breathe just fine I don't need this anymore. I also don't mind George taking on that role, saves me having to hear the fans call me daddy.

D: You know that they could also mean that in the disgusting kinky way right? (Him laughing at my disgust)

J: You know what for a moment there I had completely forgotten we had those kinds of fans.

D: They are in every single fandom ever; I will never understand it.

J: They really need to come out with a fan survival guide for new and upcoming bands.

D: Definitely, could you imagine if a band like One Direction had one for when fans start throwing their bras on stage?

J: I feel like it would have helped, but hey I wouldn't have minded some too.

D: Of course you would Jord. Charlie Scene needs all them girls swooning at his feet.

J: Yeah, but that is what Charlie Scene wants. It's not what Jordon Terrell wants.

D: Oh, what does Jordon Terrell want then?

J: Well, I uh kinda want my hero…. you

D: Seriously? I have been meaning to ask you if a relationship was in the future. Me donating my kidney had nothing to do with it. I was just offered the opportunity to help save your life and I decided to go for it.

J: Well, I think over the last three years we have really saved each other. I would love to be in a relationship with you.

D: We really have saved each other haven't we. I bet those four haven't really gone for food and they're listening in on us.

J: Oh believe me they will find out before we leave the hospital. I do think they have done for food though.

D: Yeah I was only teasing, I heard George's stomach rumble for the last half an hour. He was texting Asia about how we were doing and then he noticed I had woken up again.

J: We seem to have chosen the most inconvenient times to wake up for them.

D: Lol yeah, it's like they suddenly needed to tell everyone just as we were waking up.

I have been grinning the whole time I have been on the phone to him. I can't believe I can start calling him my boyfriend now. Danny Rose Murillo, the lead singer of the band Hollywood Undead has said yes to becoming MY boyfriend. As we wrap up the call I can imagine the same thoughts are going through his head. Like I swore to myself when I saw when he was going through his darkest days, it's going to be the last of the firsts of a relationship for him and he is NEVER going to go through a broken heart so long as I am still breathing. I don't think his brothers would let me breathe if I ever did something to hurt him either. Jorel was smiling when he walked back in, it was just him. Matt must be in the bathroom or still eating.

"I take it from that grin on your face that you had a good conversation with Danny then?" he asks, and all I could do was nod. I was just trying to absorb everything that has gone on in the last twenty-four hours. I don't think it will properly hit me yet. I will be sitting at home in a week's time like holly fucking shit all of this happened. Danny donated one of his kidneys to me and then while we are both recovering we asked each other to be boyfriends and confessed a long attraction for each other. "Yeah, he's doing well. I'm doing well, what else can I say?" I ask him. I wanna play a game with them and I am going to text Danny to see what he thinks about it. I want to make it as obvious as possible but when they ask about it go nah.

I want it to be like when the fans thought George and I were dating when I used to kiss him all the time in interviews and pictures. I quickly text Danny with the plan that had suddenly come into my head, and he instantly texted me back saying that he was doing the same thing to George already. I knew he was the perfect one for me. We even tick the in sickness and in health box and we weren't even together when that happened. I told him perfect and to keep it up, we know it won't last long because they will be like just shut the fuck up and kiss each other, but we want to have at least a little bit of fun while we'll be stuck in bed recovering for the next few weeks. I was already feeling pretty tired and so was Danny. He sent me a message with a typo in it and apologized saying he was tired still.

I told him not to worry about it because I am tired too and that we are probably still feeling the affects of the general anesthetic and will be until at least tomorrow morning. I have never been under general before, but it is not the worst thing in the world. It would be worse if the operation had failed, and I was feeling as unwell as I had been as the kidney failure had gotten worse. It was getting harder to hide how tired I was, how ill I felt all the time and how many hospital appointments I had gone to for them to tell me they were trying everything they could for me. This transplant was really the last option for me, and I am glad that it is working so far. "Well I am glad, now you should get some more rest. I will be making sure Danny does the same," Jorel tells me.

Thank you for getting this far. I know it was a long one, but I hope you enjoyed it. I am sorry it took so long but I had no idea my knee was going to be like heyy I'm gonna dislocate now have fun trying to deal with that. I should be trying to get to regular uploads now.

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