Well, never thought I'd be doing something like this with my life, but I'm sure funnier twists of fate have happened...
If you're reading this, then chances are good that you've managed to get yourself in big, big trouble, trouble that involves the scheming of the ancient rulers of the desert region. I'm sure you've heard the Order's warnings about venturing into the desert wastes. They're pretty incessant about leaving their territory, these days. If the thirst doesn't get to you, then a mamono definitely will. But I'm sure you had your reasons for venturing out into the sands. I know I certainly did. To be honest, it doesn't matter to me why or how you got into this situation; it would be hypocritical for me to judge.
Regardless, it's too late to go back on things now. Some of my new "friends" insist that there will be a day where I don't want to go back. What a bunch of fools! They are prisoners- no, we are prisoners. The difference between myself and the rest is that I'm still rational enough to realize it, and even then, I wonder how long that will last. It's easy to let lust drown out your common sense in these parts. I'd pray to the Chief God for help, but, well, she and I aren't on the best terms.
You see, I'm in the situation I'm in right now because of an old habit I can't seem to kick. Let me properly introduce myself: I am Johannes. Just Johannes. That's not my real name, but it's what I go by now. I have family back in Order territory, and if I attached my real name to this, I worry what the Order would do to them. They've ruined entire families for less blasphemous things. Besides, if there's one thing my line of work has taught me, it's that you can never be too careful.
I consider myself to be quite the thief. A few days ago, I would have even called myself a master thief, but master thieves don't get caught, do they? I've been caught twice now. The first time was by the Order. Yeah, stealing from the church probably wasn't the greatest choice, but in my defense, it took them like nine times to finally catch me. I got stripped of my belongings and sent to a monastery for that one. The other option was execution. Kinda funny how I got the same option again this time.
I don't care about the Chief God or her Order, but I am also not particularly sympathetic to mamono, either. I didn't last a week in that monastery before I escaped. It would have been suicide to stay in Order territory then, so I had no choice but to come to a mamono realm and test my luck there. In the end, the siren call of the desert was like music to my ears! I thought that all of the treasure in these abandoned pyramids was just gathering dust. I figured that it was a shame that all those gold coins and glittering gems belonged to people that could not enjoy them. Therefore, I took it upon myself to share in that wealth, which was mistake number two.
The book you are reading is one part of my punishment. Farah, the resident anubis, says that it will 'benefit the world to know the benevolence of the pharaohs. Even the lowliest scum can find forgiveness and redemption in their majesty.' . Yeah, she doesn't like me very much. There is no mercy behind her cold demeanor. By Hel, I wouldn't be surprised if she was taking some sort of grim satisfaction in my suffering. I am to be made an example of what happens to those that try to steal from the ancients. She can pretend otherwise, that this is somehow in everyone's best interest, but I'm not that foolish. Once again, I remind you that I was given a choice, and I chose the option that would spare my life.
In three days, I am to be married to one of Pharaoh Armotsa's mummies. I am expected to record my experience with this marriage in real time, probably because of how openly defiant I'm being about the whole situation. You can't tell me that Farah doesn't know what she's doing. Why do anubises (anubii? Eh, that doesn't sound right.) have to be so sadistic?
"Treat it like a journal, Johannes," she told me when she first handed over this blank book. "Just tell it how it makes you feel. Oh, and if you try to run? I'll make it hurt before the end."
She doesn't need to worry about that last part; I'm complying, at least for now. If they want me to write their little propaganda piece, then fine. I'll write it. They never said I had to be nice, though. I'm not the kind of guy to lose his focus over a pretty face. If I've escaped from a bad situation once, I can do it again. I'm not even sure which mummy is my bride-to-be, anyway. Farah told me that I'd find out on my wedding day, and that I was more than welcome to guess until then. I suppose it doesn't really matter, but honestly, I'm a little bit curious. With my luck, I'm sure Farah is looking for the ugliest, meanest, nastiest mummy she can find. Still, I'll play along. Just don't expect me to gush about 'the joys of being married' to a dried out, mindless, ragged woman.
Supposedly, I should be grateful for being offered this chance at all. "Nobody robs a pharaoh and gets away with it," Farah tells me. I find that hard to believe, but what do I know? I've lost the right to call myself a master thief, after all. I think I'll play it safe and say that it was always a risky move to break into a pyramid. If you somehow haven't found yourself in my situation already, let me give you a word of advice: Leave. The desert is no place for single men or women, not if you value your freedom. I guess there aren't a lot of places that are out of Order control where you'd be protected from mamono, but at least some of the more civilized mamono realms have protections for single men. You'd be better off there.
And for those of you that share my fate? Well, welcome to the end of your bachelorhood. Let's hope I can survive the marriage between my mummy and I with my sanity intact.