OK, I gotta start off today with a bit of a rant. Do you wanna know what the worst part of being captured by desert mamono is? It's not the forced arranged marriage, or having to deal with an anubis's wrath, or anything else. It's the prisons. From what I understand, they have the cells for us lawbreakers located in the deepest chambers of the pyramid. I haven't seen the sun in days, and my tiny cell only has the basics: A weresheep wool bedroll, a wooden stool, and a bucket for exactly the reasons you'd think a bucket would be in a prison cell. There's nothing to do here, and the tedium of waiting alone in the darkest depths of a desert dungeon feels like the real punishment here.

I mean, I've done a few stints in Order prisons. At least you get to have a little banter with the guards before you break out. Here? Farah doesn't seem concerned enough to post any guards in the prison. I mean, as far as I know, I'm the only prisoner they have right now. To be fair, I guess it's not a good idea to make a mamono guard a male prisoner. Surely, they could get a married mummy to do the job though, right? I dunno.

The only reason I have even the feeblest grasp on the passage of time is because of Garrett. The man may very well be a prime example of a brainwashed mamono husband, but company seems to be in short supply these days. When mealtime rolls around, I can always count on him to bring me my food before I get too hungry. He brings me some pretty mediocre gruel, I eat it, and we talk for a while.

I've been around worse people. He's kinda heavyset, but clearly strong, with golden hair and lazy green eyes. Outside of Farah occasionally showing up to condescend me, Garrett's been my only real company. It's a shame that all the mamono mana is cutting off the oxygen to his brain.

Anyway, when he came this morning (I guess it's morning?), he lingered as I ate. Figuring he wanted a chat, I indulged him.

"That Farah's really something, eh?" I told him through a mouthful of gruel.

"Oh, she's not so bad once you get on her good side. She runs a tight ship, but she means well. I've heard a lot of stories about anubises. They seem to be bred for middle management."

"Which explains why they're arrogant," I growled.

Garrett rolled his eyes at that. "Well, to be fair, you did try to steal from Armotsa. Are all thieves as blind to the consequences of their actions as you?"

I couldn't help but snort at that. "I won't be around to suffer them. Trust me, Garrett: There's always a way out of any bad situation."

"Even if you could escape, Johannes, you would be a fool to do so," he warned me. It was that same condescending tone Farah used. Gods, I hate that. I've had countless goody-goodies come at me like their worldview was indestructible, unsubvertible. It always make me chuckle when I make it come crashing down. "But I don't think you'll have to worry about that. I've never seen anybody escape Armotsa's prisons, and even if you're the first, where will you go? You have no food, no water, and no weapons. The desert's crawling with other mamono, too. Wouldn't it be ironic if you ran away from a mummy's loving embrace into something far worse? I hear the ghouls get hungrier every month."

"Come on pal, nobody likes a racist," I retorted. Not my best work, but I was sick of the tone.

But Garrett went on as if I did not speak. "Have you ever considered that Farah might be acting in everyone's best interest? You get a bride, food, a place to call home, and you turn your nose up at it? Doesn't a thief deserve far less mercy?"

"It's not mercy if it's done at swordpoint."

"Still beats death, my friend. You cannot deny that. Otherwise, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Damn it, he got me there. I opened my mouth to say some counterpoint, but nothing was forthcoming. Through my silent scorn, Garrett merely smiled. We both knew he won that verbal spar.

"Cheer up, friend," he spoke, waiting only until I had given up with the comeback attempts. "I think, in time, you'll see things my way. When you do, you'll be quite happy. This is a big change."

"And it's a change made against my will," I grumbled.

Garrett merely sighed. "When are you going to stop being so on edge about all of this? How about-"

"I'm not on edge!" I retorted. OK, so maybe that came out a little angrier than I meant for it to, but really: I'm not on edge. I just want to get out of here, and I'll find a way. I just need more time with my plans.

Garrett only stared me down, the skepticism plain in his expression. In that moment, I decided to just cut my losses rather than make an argument over it. "Alright, maybe I am. You got any good advice, Mister Mummy Guru?"

"That's the spirit," Garrett declared approvingly. He took a seat across from the bars, flashing me a grin. "Might as well prepare for your fate once you realize you can't outrun it. You know, given enough time, I think you and I are going to get along famously."

He was pushing it. Big time. I didn't call him out on it. Chief God knows why. . .

"Farah may seem scary right now. Believe me, I got the same treatment you did when I first came here. All I can say is that you should be glad I got married before you did. Otherwise, you'd be eating stale bread and cheap, watered-down beer."

I made a point to glance down at my gruel, stirring my spoon before taking a bite. "Yeah, sure, OK."

Garrett groaned. "I don't mean to imply she doesn't dish out punishments when she sees fit. What you did grates on her pretty badly. I've never seen her seem so, er, angry towards a captive before. Can you really blame her, Johannes? You did attempt to steal from us all, remember?"

"I suppose I can't," I reluctantly agreed. "What did you do to get arrested anyway, Chef? Poison her food?"

Garrett laughed. "Not quite. It's a bit of a story, though."

"I got nothing better to do. Let's hear it."

Garrett nodded. He adjusted his seating position so that he could be as comfortable as one could be while sitting on the cold, hard sandstone floor.

"Have you ever heard of the Margraviate of Moryana?"

I had indeed. Moryana was a city-state carved deep into the tallest peak of the Trollclaw Mountains. I knew nothing of its history, other than the fact that it was built to be an impenetrable bastion allied to the Order. A few years ago, it fell to the mamono after a tremendous battle, something that the Order priests still squawk about from time to time.

"The tiny mountain kingdom? What do they have to do with some pyramid out in the desert?"

Garrett's gaze grew distant. Part of being a master thief is being able to read faces. It really comes in handy to gauge how much trouble you are in when you get caught. His smile remained, but there was something in his eyes like a slight sorrow. "About a decade ago, the old anti-mamono margrave died, leaving the throne to his only son. Now, the son was no friend to mamono, but he was also perhaps a bit skeptical of some of the Order's more zealous claims. In any case, barely after his coronation had completed, the wight princess Wilhemina came to the gates with an entourage from her kingdom. A whole caravan of wagons bearing gifts arrived with her, and she expressed nothing but well-wishes to her newly-crowned enemy. After careful consideration, the inexperienced margrave, whether placated by the gifts or merely curious, went against the diplomacy his father employed. The wight and her forces entered the city without a single drop of blood being spilled."

"And then they overwhelmed the guard and forced the margrave to surrender, right?"

"No. Their well-wishes turned out to be genuine. Soon, there was a great celebration throughout the city. Humans and mamono alike were at peace. Eros only knows how many impromptu marriages occurred that day. Before the next day even dawned, the chamberlain found the margrave naked as could be, coupling with his new wife on the castle's tallest balcony. That day, the margrave and Wilhemina were joined in union, along with their realms."

"That can't be right," I spoke up again, genuinely confused. "I was always told there was a great battle for the heart of the city."

"Yes, well, the Order lies to protect the righteousness of their inexperienced Chief God. When it is less embarrassing for you to claim that your defensive powerhouse of a city fell from a siege, you may need to reconsider whether you are on the right side or not."

I took another bite of gruel. I hate to admit it, but I was actually invested in the story now. "OK, but how do I know that you are not lying, or have been fed a lie? What does any of thai have to do with your own marriage?"

"I was there, Johannes," Garrett explained simply. "I am from Moryana. In fact, I came from a wealthy, strong, Chief God-fearing family. We were even one of the last anti-monster holdouts in the city after the ceremony. Just before the Old Margrave died, I had been hired as the secretary for the auxiliary diplomat. I was hardly old enough to grow a proper beard. Anyway, while the rest of the staff were busy 'getting acquainted' with zombies, skeletons, vampires, and liches, I and a few other stubborn souls held out."

"And did that cost you your job?"

Garrett collected the now-empty gruel bowl. "Surprisingly, no. There was a strange amount of tolerance among the pro-monster staff. Oh, sure, they would laugh at us, but it was always a charming sort of laugh, like the kind you'd give when your best friend does something harmlessly stupid." He chuckled, but his face grew morose. "Seems like they always knew that we'd come around eventually. Anyway, some of us caved one-by-one. Sometimes, one of us would be introduced to a particularly cute zombie, or a vampire that seemed to cater to their exact standard of beauty. I still held fast. I thought I was being true to the old values of my country, but-"

"-You were unhappy," I finished for him.

Garrett paused, then cleared his throat and nodded vigorously. "Yes. I didn't think I was at the time, but looking back on things now, I was jealous of the happiness every single couple seemed to share. No matter who married whom, it always turned out that they were perfect for one another. All the propaganda about how mamono were vile rapists and kidnappers was, at best, an exaggeration. We had only heard one side of the story, and that side was faulty. I was stubborn, though, Johannes, just like you."

I smirked at that. "Come on now, Garrett. Being stubborn isn't always a bad thing. I've gotten out of more scrapes than I can count just because I never wanted to give up."

Garrett meditated over my words for a brief moment, only to shake his head. "No. You may have a point about some situations, but in this one, I was only hurting myself." He then waved the point away. "Anyway, it might've been for the best. I can't imagine my life anywhere else but here. About a year after Moryana fell, we were approached by an envoy from the desert region. They were hoping to make an offer: Our iron for their gold. In order to further negotiate this deal, we sent our own party to this very pyramid to hash things out over dinner."

"And I imagine you were included among the guests?"

"Absolutely," confirmed Garrett. "They made a point to make sure I was included, along with every other man that had held out. I can't say if the mummies sensed that we were unclaimed or if they were told by the other mamono. Either way, I think they were trying to kill as many birds with one stone as possible. Negotiations were a lot shorter than I expected, but the dinner quickly became a feast to celebrate the good relations between our realm and this one."

I nodded. This was definitely an odd story, but I can't say I wasn't loving the intrigue going on. What can I say? Even good thieves can be suckers for the right things. In any case, I couldn't resist a little more prodding. "Do you think this was intentional? Like, the matchmaking cam first? Or even that they may have already made the deal?"

Garrett shrugged without even pausing to consider. I could tell that the thought had been weighed in his mind before. "Every unmarried man in our party had a mummy servant that was practically joining us at the hip. As you can imagine, I was served by my future wife. My cup of wine would barely be half-empty before she was there to refill it."

His eyes lit up with wonder, as if he was recalling the greatest beauty his eyes had ever witnessed. I can't deny that the love Garrett feels for his wife seems very real. "She was so beautiful, wrapped up in just enough bandages to keep herself modest, with her arms and midriff exposed. Oh, and those legs! But I think the part I liked about her the most were her eyes. Those eyes were like the color of sand at sunset! Oh, even back then, I could not deny that she was attractive!"

Look, I know it was probably mean-spirited, but I couldn't help but snort. "You're really telling me that you fell for a dried-out emotionless husk?"

Just like that, Garrett seemed to snap out of his lovestruck stupor. That wasn't to say he didn't find my words offensive, though. The look he gave me was cold. "I would appreciate it if you wouldn't talk about my wife that way, Johannes. Besides, have you even seen a mummy? They're not mindless drones. All of them are just as complicated as us humans are. They're just a little, er. . ."

"Horny?"

"Yeah, let's go with that."

I shook my head. "You're fucking an undead. You do realize that, right?"

Garrett groaned, opened his mouth as if to say something, then merely grunted again. "You'll think differently once you get to know your wife."

I'm sure I won't. I didn't tell him that, though. Seemed like the time to defuse rather than throw flames on the situation. It wasn't enough to keep an awkward silence from creeping in. I could tell that Garrett was looking for me to acquiesce to his 'wisdom', but I wasn't about to change my worldview due to one man's testimony.

At last, he budged. "Well, I guess I should finish my story. I've come this far, after all. Like I said, every time I needed anything at all, she was there. It was actually kinda creepy at first. And, of course, I was infuriated at first. My views on mamono still hadn't changed yet." His gaze shifted to the floor as he bowed his head in apparent shame. "I just wanted to leave, but the auxiliary diplomat told me it would threaten our good relations. All the while, she kept overserving me. It was making me more and more upset, especially once I asked her to stop. I could not rationalize my own dismissive behavior to someone so helpful, and I got angrier and angrier. Then. . . I snapped."

The air grew awkward again. At least this time it wasn't 'my' fault. Still, I felt for Garrett. He was trying to be nice, and even if I still think he's a little foolish, there are worst things to be. I did not press him to continue, instead waiting on him to decide if he wanted to or not.

"I blew up at her mid-dinner," he finally uttered. "Called her and the rest of the monster girls sluts. I could only shout about how my old friends and comrades were all traitors. I must've sounded so crazy. What sealed my fate, though, is when I shoved her back."

"Oh, an assault charge? Farah must've been furious."

"Not quite assault," Garrett corrected uneasily. "At least not in the way you might be expecting. Funnily enough, it was because I touched her bare skin, not because I simply pushed her back. I didn't know it at the time, but it's very scandalous to touch a mummy's bare skin, unless you're married to her, obviously. That's actually a bigger crime than you might think."

"Bigger than stealing?" I questioned.

But Garrett only shrugged again. "Ehh, I dunno. Neither is something to ignore, and both seem to have the same punishment."

The realization hit me at once. "Ahhh, so Farah forced you into a marriage, too?"

"Well, it was all a trap, obviously," Garrett admitted. "And I wasn't the only quarry, Johannes. Well, I might've been the loudest and most embarrassing, but even the most hardcore of us found themselves in bed with their servant girl before 'negotiations' concluded. I was the last to actually get married, but after that first night, my views on mamono changed into what they are today."

"And you lived happily ever after!" I exclaimed mockingly.

"Well. . . yes."

"I'm sorry you got played, Garrett," I offered. I meant it, too. Poor guy was just as much of a hostage as I'd become.

But Garrett only chuckled. "No need to feel sorry for me, friend. I'm quite happy with how things turned out, even if I was the butt of some jokes for a while. I love my wife very much. The only thing I'd do differently is not make an ass out of myself with that whole stunt."

I shook my head disapprovingly. "But you lost your freedom. You were captured and humiliated by a power-tripping anubis. Don't you think-"

"-Look what I've gotten out of it." Garrett rose to his feet. "I have a home, Johannes. I have a family! I have actual friends that I can trust to be there for me when I need them. You seem to be all alone. Where are yours?"

That was a low blow. Garrett didn't know what he was walking into. I've gone through hardships that would have broken him from the start. All of his life was spent in one comfy position or another. He didn't have to go through the things I did! Hey, reader, if you've made it this far, let me tell you something: Trust is a scam meant to exploit the naive. Look after yourself first and foremost. You have to; the world is a harsh place.

"I hit a nerve, didn't I?" Garrett said.

"Third time's the charm," I uttered, trying to laugh things off before this next silence got too awkward.

"I'm sorry," Garrett offered apologetically. "But I also stand by what I've said. You have a chance for a really good life here, Johannes. I know it."

I did not answer. Instead, I got up, paced to the other end of the room, and lied on my bedroll. I didn't feel like talking anymore, and no, I don't want to go into detail about it here, either.

"Well, uh, I better get back to the kitchen," Garrett explained. "Been gone an awfully long time to feed one prisoner, you see."

"You do that," was all I could say.

"I'll, uh. . . I'll make you something good tonight," Garrett promised. And with that, he left. I was alone. Just the way I liked it.

I guess this would be the part where Farah wants me to spell out a lesson to you. Well, what else do I have to say, reader? You've read a tale yourself: It's all about entrapment. Once they get you in, they find an excuse to make you marry one of them, and then you're forced to work for them for the rest of your life. Do you want my advice? Don't go into the desert, don't go into a pyramid, and for the Chief God's sake, don't touch a mummy!

And despite all of this, the prisons still might honestly be the worst part. . .I'm so sick of the quiet.