CHAPTER 89

(EVA)

I sit and watch as Carrick tries to comfort Grace and my mind goes back to when Ana and I went to talk to them. I remember how obvious it was that Grace was riddled with guilt over her negligence, and how Ana had chosen to accept her explanation even though she really wasn't happy with it. Now I can see why she did that as that was totally brutal.

I actually feel a bit bad for asking the question which sparked the flood gates opening. I am shocked that Mia and El actually felt so strongly about what they saw as their parents' negligence towards their brother, but it just goes to show how much they really love him. I know the resentment was clearly strong as to how they were brought up, but it was visceral when it came to Christian. I look at Ana and she smiles reassuringly at me, as she holds Christian. He is hanging on to Ana as if his life depends on it but he has his eyes fixed firmly on Grace who is still inconsolable.

"Mom" he says after a moment.

Everyone's eyes fall on Christian, but he ignores them and continues to focus on Grace.

"Mom" he says again, and Grace lifts her head, her mascara is running in lines down her face and Carrick fumbles in his pocket for a handkerchief for her.

Mia stands and fetches a box of tissues which is on the side and silently places it on the table in front of Grace.

She quietly thanks Mia and takes one from the box and carefully dabs her face. I am forcibly reminded of my own mother as I watch her as that is what she does. She takes a deep but somewhat shaky breath and then lets it out.

She pauses and looks at each of her children in turn and almost immediately fresh tears start to form.

"I am so sorry" she whispers, her voice breaking with the emotion she is clearly feeling.

Caroline clears her throat and everyone looks towards her.

"This may seem harsh Grace, but what are your thoughts after hearing all that?" she asks gently.

"Caroline please" Christian says, "Can't you see she is devastated?" he adds.

Caroline smiles at him, "Christian, it needs to be done" she says simply.

"Yes but…" he argues but Grace holds up her hand and he swallows whatever it was he was going to say next.

"It's alright darling, she's right. I need to say something or it will only make things worse in the long run" she says as she attempts a weak but brave smile.

Christian nods and falls silent once more.

"I had a similar conversation with Ana a couple of months ago, when she came to see us with Eva. She had asked me why I hadn't helped Christian overcome his Haphephobia and done more for him when he was a child. I will say the same to you all as I said to Ana then, I wish a million times that I had. Hindsight is a marvellous thing, and if I could go back and do things differently I really would. My only defence for what it's worth is that I was just too close to the situation and when Christian started talking upon Mia's arrival I was so overjoyed and relieved that I knew I should build on it but I was so afraid to in case I triggered a relapse and he regressed and became mute again. All my professional instincts told me to push but my heart told me to wait. Christian got older and I returned to work… and, I have no good reason why, but it never happened. You have no idea how guilty I feel knowing that my failure to get him to a point where he tolerated touch and felt secure in the family contributed to him falling into the hands of a paedophile and through her influence we lost him completely for a number of years".

Caroline nods, "How do you feel about the comments made which suggested Christian fed your ego?" she asks.

"That's ridiculous" Christian splutters immediately.

"Why is it?" Caroline asks and Christian glances nervously at Grace and then at Carrick.

"Because I felt I was always a disappointment to them. How could I feed their ego if I was always failing to be a good son? I tried so hard to be a good son, but…" he stops and puts his head down a moment, before lifting it again and taking another deep breath.

"Christian, we talked about this" Carrick says gently. "There is no way on earth you ever have been a disappointment". He looks around at each of us in turn and then directly at Caroline, "If I may answer this point? As uncomfortable as it makes me to admit it… I think for me, that it is probably an accurate assessment. You see, when Christian turned his life around in his teens we were so overjoyed that he had done so and we mentally patted ourselves on the back unaware that it was actually a paedophile who had brought about the changes and we were so happy he had changed we didn't look into the reasons why he had and that is something I am totally ashamed of. Then again when Christian got into Harvard… I would definitely say I was incredibly proud of him and when he announced he was dropping out while my concerns were primarily for his future and I was afraid that his decision to start his own business would fail… which we have discussed". He pauses and looks at Christian who nods adamantly. "But if I was to be totally honest the idea that my son wasn't going to be a Harvard graduate, was a disappointing one and I can only put that emotion down to having a Harvard graduate in the family did indeed feed my ego". He stops speaking and shakes his head sadly, "…and now it all has been put into context with all our other failings… that doesn't sit well with me" he finishes.

"What about Christian's younger years? Christian has just admitted he felt like a disappointment to you" Caroline asks.

Christian shakes his head, "But dad and I have been through all this, how I felt was down to how I was treated mainly by him growing up and we have talked about it and I see now I was not a disappointment to him - Ana got him to tell me what it was like from his perspective and he apologised for treating me differently… but we have been through all this already, it has been dealt with so why re-hash something that has been sorted out already?"

Caroline smiles, "Because your siblings had no idea that was the case and they need to hear from you that how you felt growing up is no longer an issue for you. They have repeatedly tried to get you to admit and agree with what they witnessed, they need to hear you say it Christian. Ana tried to help by pointing out that you had already come to terms with a lot of things with regard to your childhood and worked through a number of your issues with your parents. Your siblings are hurting for you Christian and they hold resentment for you so they need to hear it from you that you are at peace with that part of your life so they can let go of that resentment and then we can work on the resentment that they feel regarding themselves".

Christian looks at Mia and Elliot and smiles at them. "Dad and I talked things through, he apologised for what he said when I quit Harvard. He told me that he only said what he said about my business failing because he was worried and he cared. He told me that when we were growing up and he spanked you two when you were naughty but not me, wasn't because I wasn't even worth his time it was because he didn't want to trigger any bad reaction from the memories I had of the abuse I suffered. We talked and we cleared the air, and… we're good now". He pauses and glances at Carrick, "I'd go as far as saying we are closer than we have ever been" he adds.

Carrick nods in agreement with that and Christian smiles.

"That's great, and I'm really pleased about that but it still doesn't answer the main point that both Mia and I made and you almost made, and that is mom and dad concentrated more on their career than they did us. Because they concentrated more on their careers than parenthood I was disregarded as being just fine, Mia had stuff chucked at her and was spoilt and you were farmed out to an endless stream of therapists who you didn't trust and did nothing for you. I stand firm on the fact mom and dad should've been there more and done more and they didn't" Elliot says with a swipe of his hand.

"What can be done about it now though, it's in the past?" Christian asks a little irritably.

Elliot glances at his parents, "Well considering they still focus on their careers even now, I mean its' been said that Meg has tried numerous times to reach out to mom only to be fobbed off, so it's not exactly in the past is it?"

Christian acknowledges that with a nod, "I guess… I mean Ana said that she thought mom wasn't intentionally freezing Meg out and that she'd also had issues with mom declining requests when she reached out or even bailing on her at the last moment".

He glances apologetically at Grace as he says this almost as if he doesn't want to add to her obvious guilt and distress.

Elliot sighs, "Look I don't want to sound like a whiny kid desperate for attention but it just…" he stops and shakes his head.

"Elliot look at me, I am sorry you have felt disregarded all your life. It was never my intention to make you feel that way. I have been given a huge wake up call with everything that has been said today and while I can't change how I behaved in the past and I cannot put right all the mistakes I made and believe me I really wish I could, but I sincerely hope that we can all move forward from this with professional help?" Grace asks nervously.

"Of course we can mom," Elliot says simply.

"Elliot, do you feel in Christian's shadow?" Gideon asks suddenly and I look up at him in surprise at that question.

Elliot looks blankly at Gideon, "I'm not sure I get what you mean?" he says.

Gideon leans forward, "You say you have felt dismissed, Christian had issues when he was a child did you feel his arrival made you feel pushed out?" he asks and my heart aches as I know this comes from his own experiences when Elizabeth moved on with Chris and had Christopher.

"No" Elliot says adamantly, "No, because although Christian had obvious issues the point I am making is they didn't do enough for him either. In fact, it had the effect that I was protective of him. I knew I couldn't touch him but I looked out for him as best I could" he says with a shrug.

Gideon nods, "I have one more question, my brother Christopher and I, our relationship was non-existent but now we are slowly building one and with help things are going ok. But his main gripe was the fact he felt in my shadow because of the success of Cross Industries and people only saw him as a stepping stone to me and disregarded him as a businessman in his own right… I was just wondering if you had any similar feelings?"

Elliot shakes his head again, "No, not really… I mean I've had a few people make comments over the years when Christian started to make a name for himself, saying stuff like oh you're Christian Grey's brother but I didn't really pay much attention to it. We don't really run in the same circles business wise as I'm in Construction and he is in mergers and acquisitions. There are odd occasions where I might need his help on something and vice versa but no… I've never really thought I was in his shadow or anything like that".

"Plus, Elliot is extremely successful in his own right" Christian says and Elliot grins at him.

Gideon nods, "That's fine, I just thought I'd ask… you don't mind do you?" he asks and El waves his hand dismissively.

"No not at all it was a valid question" he says easily.

"I did" Mia says suddenly and everyone turns to look at her.

"I never knew if people wanted to be my friend because they liked me or because they just wanted an introduction to Christian. You may have noticed but I am very rarely seen with my old circle of friends. Many of them melted away when Christian married Ana which sort of confirmed for me that they were only friends with me in the hope that Christian would notice them… and the rest, well when I realised what a selfish mare I was and how self-absorbed I was I looked at my friends and realised that they were all the same and I decided that I needed to change and make a fresh start. Meeting Meg and then Lucy was wonderful as I knew without question, they liked me for me and that they had no ulterior motive".

"Mia, I'm so sorry" Christian says immediately and Mia rolls her eyes at him.

"How exactly is it your fault? It's not and it never was. It was all on them. They were just shallow and materialistic… much like I was and all they wanted was to become Mrs Christian Grey for the same reasons Kate married El but you didn't even notice that any of them existed".

"But it must have made you miserable?" Christian persists.

Mia shrugs and lets out a little snort, "I just used them as they used me" she says flippantly.

oooOOOooo

A while later…

"Have they gone?" I ask as Ana sits down beside me.

She nods, "Yeah I think Caroline was really good the way she has laid out everything and she has agreed to take on Grace, Carrick, Elliot and Mia for some family therapy to work out their issues, so hopefully it will bring the family closer together once more".

"I had no idea El had so much pent up resentment. He always appears to be so easy going and laidback".

Ana nods in agreement, "I know, to be fair I've seen his more vulnerable side a few times. Even before we officially found out we were related he turned to me if he needed a chat".

"It's good he felt he could confide in you" I say, "So, what happens now?" I add.

"Well, Christian handled it really well I thought, I was expecting a meltdown a few times but it didn't happen which is also testament to the proper help he has been getting from Caroline. I'm still going to be on alert for a couple of days though. I think now that Caroline has outlined exactly what she is going to do for everyone to help them through this and come to terms with everything made him feel more settled and I know he will be discussing his thoughts on today with her in his scheduled session. If he wants to talk to me about it, then that's a bonus and I will always be there to listen to him and try and help him".

"Where is Christian now?" I ask.

Ana indicates with her head towards the door, "He's gone for a swim in the pool with Gideon and Elliot" she says.

"El is still here?" I ask and Ana nods.

"Yeah, Meg has left to go and fetch Ava from Sadie's place and then I think she's coming back here. Mia left with Grace and Carrick and Caroline has also gone of course, but I think Gideon and El wanted a bit of male bonding with Christian so they all went down to the pool".

I nod in understanding, I thought Gideon would probably want to talk to Christian as I think he felt bad for the question he had asked about El feeling in Christian's shadow especially as it had prompted Mia to say something and I think he wanted to make sure Christian was ok.

"The next thing on the agenda is the interview to stop Kate, it almost seems insignificant when you look at everything that happened here today" I say as I change the subject.

Ana laughs, "Yeah I know but if Kate finds out the link between us she won't hesitate to publicly announce it and the way she feels about us it won't be done in a positive manner".

As I go to answer Ana's phone rings and she picks it up and rolls her eyes.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Jose" she says with a sigh.

I wrack my brains as I try and figure out if Ana has mentioned him before. "Jose?" I ask as I come up blank, although the name is vaguely ringing a bell.

"Jose Rodriguez, we were friends in college he hung around with Kate and I and…" she stops as realisation seems to dawn on her after what we had just been discussing and she quickly answers putting the call on speaker.

"Hi Jose, what a surprise - how are you?" she says brightly.

"Ana, I'm sorry to bother you but Kate called me out of the blue. I haven't heard from her since we left college but she called me the other day asking if it would be possible to talk to my dad about his time in the military. She mentioned your biological dad and Ray and how they were all buddies and I wondered if you knew what she was doing, as I was fairly sure anything like that Ray would fill her in on - with her being your sister-in-law and something she said gave me bad vibes so I thought I'd run it past you before I did anything".

Ana sighs and rubs her forehead with her hand, "Thank you for letting me know Jose, unfortunately circumstances have changed recently. Elliot and Kate are now divorced and Elliot has moved on, but Kate hasn't. She tried to get me to help her get back with Elliot unaware of the fact he was in a new relationship. When I refused, she got nasty and we found out she had started digging into my biological father's past. Probably to find any dirt that she could make into an article to get back at us. Please tell your dad not to talk to her, I would be very grateful to you if you would do that for me" she says hopefully.

"I see" he says simply. "Of course I'll tell my dad, how are you Ana?" he asks.

"Thank you so much Jose, I really appreciate that and for the fact you called and warned me. I'm really good thanks, I'm getting to know my new sister and forming a bond with her. She was really grateful for the letters and photographs your dad provided when we first met" she says.

"Yes I know, she wrote to my dad to thank him personally" he says and Ana looks at me in surprise and I nod confirming what Jose has said, realising immediately where I had heard that name before. I felt it was the least I could do so I had called Ray and asked for Jose Rodriguez senior's address and sent him a thank you letter.

"Thank you so much Jose" Ana says again with obvious sincerity.

"That's ok, are you sure you're ok Ana as you know I'm always here for you" Jose says and I frown.

Ana rolls her eyes, "Yes I know that Jose, and yes I really am fine. Both Christian and I are well and we are happy and settled" she says with a note of finality.

There is a long silence and then he speaks again, "Well that's good" he says simply and I can't help but note the disappointment in his tone. My eyebrows rise and I look at Ana questioningly.

"I'll let you go then" he says after another slightly awkward pause.

"Alright, and thank you again for letting me know about Kate. You take care of yourself Jose" Ana says.

They say their goodbyes and Ana kills the calls.

"Is that guy in love with you?" I ask and Ana looks sheepishly at me.

"Yeah, kind of" she says.

"Ok spill" I say as I settle myself to hear all the details.

Ana quickly outlines her time at college and how Jose was a mutual friend of hers and Kate's. How he had made no secret of the fact he had feelings for her and how he assumed that because his dad and Ray were old army buddies that gave him an opening into her life, but she always looked upon him like a brother and with no romantic feelings towards him. He had apparently not been very happy when she'd met Christian and when they married he spent a lot of time calling and asking if she was ok and reiterating that he would always be there for her. She also tells me how he had insisted on driving his dad personally to Seattle to hand over the letters and photographs he had, which she believed was just an excuse to see her again.

"Well, it's a good thing he chose to call you about Kate" I say when Ana has finished.

She nods, "It was and I am grateful to him, but I don't like encouraging him as he won't get it into his head that I love Christian and that we are happy. But this does focus attention on the interview that we have to do" she says.

"Indeed it does," I agree.