CHAPTER 102

(ALEXANDER)

"You saw how he reacted when you hugged him?" Edwin says.

We are sitting drinking coffee. Nobody else appears to be up yet and we are sitting in Hal's kitchen, I am about to answer him when Arnie strolls in.

"Hey! Good morning dad, Alex, did you both sleep well?"

"Hello son, I did thanks" Ed replies and I nod my head as I am drinking my coffee.

"Good morning, I did thank you" I reply after I swallow my coffee.

Arnie comes and sits with us and smiles at us. Edwin leans forward and I know he is going to ask about Christian.

"Arnie, you have spent more time with Christian than we have… what is your opinion of… how he is?"

Arnie stills a moment and then looks at his father questioningly, "What do you mean dad?" he asks evasively.

Edwin sighs and rubs his eyes, "I… I'm not judging him but something just doesn't seem right… I just get the impression… he is hiding something, nothing illegal or anything like that. I mean him personally, he is hiding. He clearly has… issues; we have all seen how he freezes when anyone touches him when he isn't expecting it. You told us he had been neglected by Ella but just how bad was his early life? Then there is the way he completely overreacts at the smallest things at times. Then there is that weird thing he does when he gets upset or anxious – You know, the way he sniffs Ana's hair, what is that all about? Also, the way he is with her… it's really not healthy". He pauses a moment and then looks at me, "Like I said to you at the party in Seattle, I know he loves her but it goes further than that, it's almost as if he is obsessed with her? I am not trying to cause trouble by asking… I just want to know him and from what I've seen of him so far… I'm genuinely concerned".

Arnie sighs and rubs his eyes, "Yes, he has issues, but it's not my place to talk about them. I know of a couple of things which explains some of what you are saying and I shared with you the fact Ella neglected him and that he suffered a degree of abuse. But it is Christian's story to tell not mine" he says firmly.

"I only want to get to know him, he's my grandson and I need to understand why he is the way he is" Edwin says.

Arnie shakes his head and holds up his hand, "Look dad, I'm telling you don't push it, Christian told me a bit and from some of the things Ana said when we first met explains some of what you are asking. But I saw first-hand how badly he can react when he feels threatened, so please don't push it… Trust me when I say if he over reacts it won't be pretty. He won't thank you for pushing it and I'm sure that you don't want to alienate him and push him away, now you have finally got him back. I've been doing some research into the way he behaves and some stuff came up which made for very uncomfortable reading, and while I could be totally wrong about it because I'm no expert on these things… I think you really should just drop it. This is a case of letting sleeping dogs lie and if Christian wants to tell you about his past and open up to you, then that's up to him… you also have to remember he is still getting to know all of us, learning to trust us. I know you are concerned about him and your reasons for wanting to know come from a good place, but until Christian feels comfortable disclosing the details of his past…just leave it".

"Thank you Arnie, but my grandfather has every right to know to try and understand".

We all turn and see Christian standing in the doorway.

"Christian… I…" Arnie says standing up.

Christian holds up his hand, "It's fine, honestly. To be honest I was expecting this at some point. You are all bound to have questions and my behaviour at times hasn't been exemplary. I will talk with you and tell you… everything, and this is a good opportunity to do so considering we are all here together to get to know each other, however… I would like Ana with me and she is still sleeping at the moment so if you don't mind waiting until she has woken up… maybe after breakfast?" he asks.

Edwin smiles and nods, "Of course… and Christian, I need you to know I'm not prying I… I'm just concerned".

Christian smiles and nods, "I understand that" he replies.

We watch as he leaves the room and disappears upstairs leaving a heavy silence behind him.

"Shit" Arnie mutters.

"What?" I ask.

"What the hell must he think? He comes to get to know his birth family and on the very first morning here he gets up and the first thing he hears is us talking about him".

I glance at Edwin who looks slightly uncomfortable at that. "I didn't mean any harm" he mutters.

I reach out and touch his arm, "I know you didn't Ed and to be fair, I don't believe Christian thinks you did either. I get the impression that he is afraid. He is afraid to tell us because he believes that whatever he does tell us we won't like and then we will reject him. So, no matter what he tells us we take it on the chin and we support the boy. We want to know about him so we also have to agree to take that we won't like what he tells us. Therefore we accept whatever he tells us and more importantly we accept him".

Edwin nods, "Well that is a given, I mean no matter what he tells us, he will still be the same person he was beforehand".

I stand and go upstairs to my room and as I do so I pass the bathroom and I hear Christian inside, he is obviously talking to someone and so help me I pause to listen.

"So, you think I should tell them everything? But what about my diagnosis? It was hard enough telling my family who I'd known all my life that one, these people are essentially still strangers and as you told me yourself it isn't a widely accepted mental health disorder? Then there is also the time with Elena, that one is enough to fuck with anyone's mind? I know Caroline, Yes… Yes I do, of course I do but what if… what if they don't want to know me anymore when they know the truth about me and what I've done?"

I step away unwilling to eavesdrop anymore but feeling vindicated that what I have just heard is exactly what I was thinking. As I turn the corner I walk into Ana and she smiles up at me.

"Oh good morning Alex, I don't suppose you've seen Christian have you?" she asks.

I smile at her and gesture towards the bathroom, "He's in there on the phone" I say simply.

She frowns at that and I touch her arm. "I think he might be seeking some advice. He overheard us talking downstairs… about him, and he has made the decision that he is going to talk to us but he said that he wanted to wait until after breakfast as he wanted you with him when he opened up. We are just worried that he thinks we are prying into his life and if he is uncomfortable about sharing with us and doesn't want to do it we will understand… please tell him if he doesn't want to do this it's absolutely fine".

Ana nods, "Let me talk to him and see what he says" she says and I nod. Letting her go I watch as she walks towards the bathroom and knocks.

"Christian are you in there?" she calls and a moment later the door opens and I see Christian's hand reach out and pull Ana inside.

oooOOOooo

(ANA)

We are sitting around in the comfortable living room. The breakfast was lovely, and we are all now waiting for Derek to join us. Everyone is here, except Brad's daughters who have gone out into the city. Christian is naturally worried about sharing details of his past and his mental health diagnosis but I'd talked to him and reassured him that these people would not judge him and that the only reason they were talking about him and wondering was because they loved him and cared. To be fair his reaction to overhearing his birth family discussing him was measured and understanding which shows just how far he has come since he has been seeing Caroline. He is naturally concerned though and when we talked about it and I had encouraged him to open up to them as they only want to get to know him, he had stood there with that lost boy look in his eyes and had bleakly responded with the words 'but what if all that changes when they know the truth about me?'

I had reassured him that I didn't believe that would happen, and that he had instigated this so therefore he also had full control over how much he told them. I had also told him that while I didn't think they would turn against him but if for some reason they did, then we would leave right there and then and we would return to Seattle. This had seemed to galvanise him as it gave him a sense of control over the situation. He had looked at me and nodded. "I will also know one way or the other, I have lived my life to this point without my birth family… so I can do so again" he had said to which I had assured him once more that I didn't think it would come to that. My heart had almost broken for him at that point though at his matter-of-fact assumption that he was going to lose the blossoming relationship with his birth family.

I come out of my thoughts as I sit beside Christian as he is working himself up to sharing the details of his past. We are all waiting for Christian to start speaking, Alexander leans across and touches Christian's knee.

"Listen son, we apologise for what you overheard this morning… but we just care, we see how things affect you and we care and because we care we want to understand why. We want to understand what makes you do the things that you do… do you understand?" he pauses and looks at Christian and he nods.

"I do" he says simply.

Taking a deep breath, he reaches for my hand and then leaning back he crosses his legs resting his ankle on his knee and he begins to talk. I look at him and he is looking deceptively relaxed, I know that he has put on his CEO mask to hide the fact he is worried about this. He doesn't want to show any weakness, but the fact he is hanging on to my hand tightly gives away his true feelings on what is happening.

"I was going to sit down and tell you all everything… I have been meaning to do it ever since we first met. I don't really like discussing my past, but my therapist says that by talking about it and what happened I am facing up to it and coming to terms with it… So… Going back to the beginning I will begin by recapping my formative years, as you know I was neglected by Ella and I was abused by her pimp. I have scars all over my chest and back where he put out lit cigarettes on me. He also abused me in other ways, he kicked me across rooms and he hit me… with a belt". He pauses and looks at me and swallows hard at that comment and I know he is making the connection of when he used to hit little brown-haired girls with a belt and canes. I briefly wonder if he is going to talk about his lifestyle when we first met. I don't actually expect him to discuss that or his time with Elena but whatever he does disclose I will be right here by his side supporting him.

"It left me with issues, he called me a little shit and I learnt that when he was around, I should keep out of his way. I tried to protect Ella when he started on her… that is what earnt me a lot of my thrashings. Anyway, Ella died – as you know she overdosed and I was trapped in our apartment with her dead body for about 3-4 days before he returned and found us. I was four years old at that point in time. He beat me one final time, before calling in the death and leaving… locking the door behind him. That whole time I knew nothing but abuse, I had no memories of you or the orchard or anything other than the grim existence I was in. All I knew was pain and harsh words, so when I went to the hospital and I was treated with kindness I was afraid and my mind assumed I was going to be hurt and it provided the pain even though nobody was going to hurt me. My mom… Grace, was the doctor on call when I was taken in to the hospital and when I first met her I thought she was an angel… she saved me. She cared for me and nursed me back to health and then she took me in and adopted me. But I was left with issues with touch and my self-esteem was rock bottom. I didn't speak for two years and it was the arrival of my baby sister, Mia that finally got me talking. I grew up and became angrier and angrier. I couldn't bear anyone touching me and when I hit my teenage years I started drinking and brawling… to cut a long story short, it was at that point that I fell into the hands of another abuser when I was 15. She was a friend of my mother's… she introduced me to a lifestyle which I believed helped me for a long time and it wasn't until I met Ana and she made me realise that what this woman had actually done was abuse me… sexually and physically abuse me".

Christian pauses and I stroke his arm reassuringly. I'm actually quite shocked he has said as much as he has already. He clearly wants them to know everything.

"You are doing brilliantly Christian" I murmur. I glance at everyone and I see the complete stupefied shock on their faces but I also see the compassion in their eyes and from that I know that everything is going to be ok.

"May I ask a question?" Hal asks warily.

Christian nods, "Go on" he says simply.

"Your touch issues? Didn't anyone help you overcome that… I had a phobia as a child after I was accidently locked in a cupboard and I saw someone who helped me overcome my claustrophobia… didn't anyone help you?" he asks.

Christian glances at me and smiles ruefully, "You have hit upon something which has only recently been discussed within my family and is still being worked through by some family members. But no, my parents respected my boundaries. I can understand why they did so, I was a very difficult child and they discovered that they were somewhat in over their heads with me. When I finally started to talk and come around they didn't want to rock the boat and cause a relapse by pushing the Haphephobia and as time went on it got harder for them, they accept that they made a mistake but it was a mistake made out of love for me, my mother has admitted that she was too close to the situation to think like the doctor she is, she let her heart rule her head. My mother is dealing with her guilt for what she saw as her failure in that respect but I can totally understand why she didn't do more and I have come to terms with that whole time… I don't blame her for anything".

I glance at Alex and Edwin who are exchanging meaningful looks with each other.

"You say you fell into the hands of another abuser?" Edwin asks.

Christian nods, "Yes Elena… she was my mother's friend and she seduced me when I was fifteen years old. She also introduced me into a lifestyle which I believed helped me for many years and to an extent it did as she brought me back into line. I stopped brawling and drinking, due to what we did together. My grades at school improved and I started doing well… so I naturally believed she was helping me. It wasn't until I met Ana did I realise that while superficially she had helped me… but it was also very wrong and that she had actually abused me. It took me a long time but I finally accepted that she was a paedophile. I helped to get her convicted and jailed for her crimes as she had been caught with another underage boy".

The silence spreads out and it seems nobody knows what to say.

"What was the lifestyle?" Alex asks eventually, breaking that silence.

Christian puts his head down and I squeeze his hand.

"BDSM" he mutters quietly.

Alex's eyes widen at that and he curses under his breath. "But that is whips and stuff… tying people up and beating them?" he asks his voice breaking slightly as he asks the question.

Christian shifts uncomfortably and nods, "It is, that was the basis of why I turned things around. I gave total control of my life to Elena. She became my dominant and I was submissive to her. She made all my decisions for me. It was the carrot and stick approach, I had to tell her everything and if I pleased her I got rewarded and if I did something wrong I got punished".

"Jesus Christ" Edwin mutters.

"What was the reward?" Alex asks but I can tell by the look on his face that he has a rough idea.

Christian shrugs, "Sex" he says simply.

Alex lets out a long breath, "And so I am assuming that a punishment would be being beaten?"

Christian nods "Yes" he says.

"You believed this helped you?" he asks incredulously.

Christian nods again, "Yes it did… to a point, I was given a way to interact and have some form of physical contact with people and later on to also have physical relationships with women without fear of them touching me… because I tied them up… I stopped being a sub and became a dominant. It also helped me get my head straight, and helped with my anger issues, although I have since come to realise that it also caused more harm as I just pushed that anger inward".

Alex shakes his head, "Jesus Christ" he mutters again.

Arnie leans forward and he looks at me, "Did he do that with you?" he asks sharply, and I feel Christian stiffen. I realise what I say next will determine whether or not Uncle Arnie calls my dad and tells him all this and I think Christian realises that.

I shake my head, "No, he wanted to but I refused. It wasn't something I was comfortable with and so I refused. It was at that point Christian discovered that he wanted me more than the lifestyle". I look Uncle Arnie in the eye and I take a deep breath, "I would also like to make it clear that my dad knows nothing of Christian's past and I would like to keep it that way as it isn't relevant for him to know. My dad wouldn't understand any of it, and he has a really good relationship with Christian". I stop and look at Arnie who visibly relaxed when I had started talking. I wait for his response and thankfully he smiles and nods.

"I understand and I respect that, Ray won't hear anything from me" he says.

"Thank you" I say.

"Have you received any kind of psychological help for everything you have been through?" Hal asks.

Christian takes a deep breath. "I had a revolving door of psychiatrists, Psychologists and therapists as I grew up. I didn't trust any of them and I was subjected to every type of therapy there was. I didn't co-operate and so didn't make any progress… until quite recently". He pauses and smiles down at me.

"Meeting Ana made me see the truth and I started making progress right then. I gave up the BDSM lifestyle and I learnt how to have a regular relationship. Ana helped me overcome my Haphephobia to an extent as I was desperate for her to touch me. Then quite recently, I found a therapist who has worked wonders with me in the short time I have been seeing her. I have made meaningful progress for the first time in my life and she has given me the tools to make better choices and better coping mechanisms to deal with things. I also have a diagnosis for the way I am… and the way I behave. She believes it all stems back to my formative years. I was given the diagnosis of… I was…" he stops and sighs shaking his head.

"Go on son" Alex encourages.

"You have nothing to be afraid of Christian" Hal says.

"We won't judge you Christian, you have been through so much it is obvious that you would have lasting damage from your experiences" Edwin says.

Christian looks up, "I was given the diagnosis of Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder… which is also known as Borderline Personality Disorder". He waits and looks at everyone waiting for their response.

I also watch them, willing them not to react badly to this news.

I see Arnie nod his head and he doesn't look at all surprised by Christian's words.

"You don't look surprised, Uncle Arnie?" I say and he smiles at me.

"I'm not, I've been observing Christian ever since I met him and I did a little research and that was what I came up with. I didn't say anything as obviously I am not a professional but some of what I read was like it was describing Christian".

Christian smiles, "My behaviour that day I found out about you wasn't my proudest moment" he says wryly.

Arnie shakes his head and holds up his hand, "But totally understandable" he replies.

Alex and Edwin both stand up and hold open their arms "Come here son" Alex says and Christian swallows hard and standing up he walks over and falls into Alex's arms. After a moment he pulls away and is engulfed by Edwin.

"So, do you still have problems with touch?" Edwin asks.

Christian tips his head from side to side, "Sort of" he says. "I can tolerate the touch of my family but even now if I'm taken by surprise I tend to freeze. I don't feel pain anymore when I'm touched but I still don't particularly like being touched by strangers. I no longer panic though if anyone outside my family does touch me, I just tend to tense up. There are only three people who can touch me without any issue at all and they are Ana, my sister Mia and my niece Ava".

Christian looks at everyone warily, "So, now you know" he says.

"Thank you for trusting us with this and let me assure you that it doesn't make the blindest bit of difference to us. You are still our grandson and we still love you" Edwin says earnestly.

Alexander nods and pats Christian's shoulder, "I couldn't have put it better myself" he says.