CHAPTER 106

(CHRISTIAN)

"So, have you decided yet?"

I smile as I look into the laptop screen in front of me. Gideon is sitting there grinning at me, pausing only to lift his coffee mug to his lips and drain it in one gulp.

I shake my head, "I want to go to Japan, I've only ever been there on business and I want to take Ana there as I love that country. Ana on the other hand wants to go to the Caribbean, she was talking with Eva about where you two got married and she said it looks a nice place, so we are still deciding".

Gideon shrugs, "Why not do both?" he says simply.

I stare at him in surprise, wondering if he is really suggesting we use two of his hotels, I decide that he is and I quickly but politely refuse.

"I couldn't do that; it was generous enough that you are offering us one hotel" I protest but he holds up his hand.

"Hear me out" he says, "Why don't you take Ana to Japan as I'm fairly sure she will love it, and then fly from there to the Caribbean where I will be waiting with Eva so Ana and Eva can spend some time together before I whisk her away for our anniversary".

"If you're sure?" I ask hopefully and Gideon simply waves his hand dismissively in a 'consider it done' kind of way.

"Where are you taking Eva?" I ask, curious as to his plans.

He smiles almost serenely, "The Outer Banks" he says simply.

"The Outer Banks? As in The Outer Banks off the East Coast?" I ask, slightly surprised by that response.

Gideon nods, "That's right, I have a home there. A beach house, I bought it after spending the most wonderful weekend of my life there when I first got with Eva. Completely off the grid, through choice as although there is the option for technology, I choose not to have it. It is the one place in the world where I can be alone with my wife with no interruptions".

I look at him and he has an almost wistful look on his face as though he is imagining himself there right now.

"Sounds nice" I say politely, although while the idea of secluding myself and Ana away somewhere appeals to me greatly, the idea of being completely cut off from the outside world and the lack of control I would have as a result is more than a bit terrifying.

"It's a wonderful place" Gideon says simply.

I smile at him and open my mouth to answer but before I can my phone buzzes. I hold up one finger and Gideon nods as I glance at the screen. I frown when I see it is Taylor calling me and I quickly answer.

"Taylor, what's wrong?" I ask sharply, by way of greeting.

"Mr Grey, I am just making you aware of a situation which has occurred at your brother's house. It was brought to my attention that Kate Kavanagh had parked up in the layby at the end of the driveway to your brother's house and was just sitting there. In doing so she violated the terms of the restraining order which Mr Grey put in place and she has been arrested and taken away by law enforcement. The situation has been sorted and there is no cause for alarm. However, I thought you would want to know". He stops and waits for my response.

"Thank you Taylor, where's Ana? She was supposed to be visiting Megumi today?" I ask.

"As far as I am aware sir, she is on route to see Mrs Grey as we speak. Luke told me that they have just picked up Miss Grey and are making their way to Mrs Grey now… wait, hang on…" there is a pause which ratchets up my anxiety somewhat, but I wait. "They have arrived safely sir, Luke just text me to say they have arrived and he has seen them enter the house and it appears that Mr Kavanagh is also visiting Mrs Grey. I thought I saw his car in the driveway when I was dealing with Miss Kavanagh".

"Ok thank you Taylor" I say, relieved that Ana is safe and that Kate has been dealt with.

I end the call and return my attention back to Gideon, "Sorry about that" I say and he waves his hand.

"No problem, what's happened?" he asks.

I sigh and with a roll of my eyes repeat what Taylor just told me. "Kate showed up at Elliot and Megumi's place and parked at the end of the driveway. She can't get in, as there is a code on the gate which El has obviously changed since he divorced her, but she was there and she was spotted. Apparently according to Taylor by being there she has violated the restraining order my dad had put in place so she has been arrested and taken away by law enforcement".

"Christ, that woman is fucking annoying, when will she give it up?" he replies with a shake of his head.

I nod in agreement, "I know, I can't understand how she managed to get bail, but she has fucked that up by being stupid and she won't get out again. We have too much on her to prove that she is a risk to Elliot and Megumi and this latest stunt confirms that".

"What does she think she is trying to prove?" Gideon asks.

I shrug, "Who knows, Elliot seems to think she is just so self-absorbed that she believes she is doing nothing wrong. Ethan Kavanagh thinks she is suffering from some kind of breakdown, which could be partly true but the fact she took his car to mow down Megumi after he told her some home truths says she was just calculated. She was thinking clearly enough to try and move the blame for the hit and run on to him and she pretty much confirmed it with what she said at the time that she used his car out of spite for what he had said to her".

Gideon shakes his head again, "It's all very fucked up" he says.

I let out a little snort, "Coming from you I realise it really must be considering some of the fucked-up shit you've dealt with". I see Gideon smile at that and he chuckles as he thinks about it.

"Very true, oh by the way when I went to see Ryan the other day, he had some interesting news. He said that due to the fact he is a model prisoner, and that he is completely remorseful and sorting his shit out with his regular video sessions with Caroline and having joint sessions with me when I go to see him he is no longer considered any risk whatsoever, and also with the fact I have totally forgiven him it appears that he will be considered for parole sooner than is considered usual".

"Really, how soon?" I ask.

"Next year, normally he would be expected to serve at least half his sentence, which in his case was a nominal sentence anyway due to the fact we had pretty much resolved things by the time it went before the judge and I'd had some of the charges dropped. But the powers that be seem to be of the opinion that he is just taking up a space in prison for no good reason now".

"Wow, are you going to help him when he comes out?" I ask.

Gideon nods adamantly, "I am, and I think that is also another factor for the decision as I will be the one helping him when he gets released, it shows there is no lingering animosity whatsoever between us and I'm not so naïve as to realise that the fact I am his brother may also have some influence on that decision and I think Ryan also realised that it could be a factor".

"And everything really is good between you both now?" I ask carefully.

Gideon nods again, "It is, we have both accepted that we were just pawns. Our mother didn't want either of us, she offloaded Ryan which caused him to become a pawn for Eric Landon and she kept me despite not wanting me because I was useful to her to confirm her reputation as a dutiful wife and mother. Ryan has realised and come to terms with the fact he completely dodged a bullet not having her in his life, and no longer holds any resentment for the fact she kept me and let him go. The only thing he seems to be having difficulty letting go of is the lies his father told him, but Caroline is working with him and I'm supporting him as best as I can".

"Well, it all sounds very positive. I really hope he can eventually come to terms with what his father did".

Gideon nods in agreement with that, "So do I, I think that is the reason he so gladly took his medicine. The fact he realised his father was as culpable as our mother and my father. I've told him and Christopher has told him he doesn't need to be a martyr for them, we have all forgiven him for what he did to us and that he isn't responsible for what his father did, but the way he sees it is he wouldn't have behaved the way he did over the years if he had known the truth. He is getting really close with Christopher, he goes to see him as much as I do and considering that it was Christopher who he shot I think that was another factor in his favour when the decision was made to bring his parole forward" he says.

As I go to speak my phone rings again and I roll my eyes, "Hang on" I say as I reach for it. I see it is Welch calling me this time.

"Grey" I say as I answer it and wait.

"Mr Grey, I thought you might like to know… Mrs Lincoln passed away at the penitentiary this morning". He stops and waits for my response.

I am glad I am sitting down as the shock reverberates through me at that news. It must show on my face as Gideon leans forward and looks at me with concern.

"Christian?" Gideon says simply, I hold up my hand and he nods and waits.

"Right, ok… thanks for telling me" I say eventually as I try and pull myself together again.

"Very good sir" Welch replies and I end the call.

I drop my phone on the desk and scrub my hands over my face. I'm not sure how I feel at this moment.

"Christian?" Gideon says again.

I look up and shake my head, "Elena's dead" I say and I'm shocked at how broken my voice sounds.

Realisation fills Gideon's face, "Call Ana, speak to Ana and call Caroline as this has clearly thrown you and you need to process it. Focus on the fact that this is a good thing, that woman is now out of your life forever, while she lived she was still a presence but now it is truly over" he says gently but firmly.

I nod, I look up at Gideon, "How did you feel when Hugh died?" I ask, because I am not liking the way I am feeling at this moment.

Gideon shrugs, "Considering he took his own life after I threatened to expose him… it was an odd mixture of vindication and guilt to begin with. I will add that the guilt was only due to the fact Hugh had a young son, and I knew what he would be going through as I'd lost my own father to suicide. But my situation was totally different to yours. I was always unwilling; I knew I was being abused from the moment it started… you however… It took you a long time to even acknowledge the fact that what Elena did to you was abuse, as you were so convinced that she had helped you. Then there is the fact - as Elliot said at that family meeting, it could be argued that superficially she did help you. She stopped you self-destructing, and got you back on track at that point in time. But obviously that doesn't detract from the fact you were fifteen years old. You were a minor, and she lured you into a lifestyle which was totally inappropriate for a fifteen-year-old boy and let's be clear here, it was abuse because the damage she did to you totally outweighed everything else".

I nod, but I don't make any comment as I know he is right and I know that Elena was an abuser… but… "I think I need to talk to Ana" I say eventually.

Gideon nods, "Alright, I'll let you go but call me if you need me. You know I'm always here if you need me" he says adamantly.

"Thank you" I reply. With that I see Gideon lean forward and the screen goes blank as the link with New York is lost.

I suck in a deep breath and let it out, right now I feel out of control and I don't like it so I do what I always do when I feel like this, I call the one person I know who can centre me and calm me.

"Ana, Elena's dead" I blurt out as she answers my call, with a simple 'hi'. Then I stop and inwardly cringe at my totally inappropriate greeting.

"Do you need me to come over?" she asks immediately. I hear the concern in her voice and it helps to calm me a little.

"Where are you?" I ask as I try and bring my roiling thoughts under control and as I say it I remember that she is with Megumi and Mia, which she confirms with her reply.

"I'm with Mia at the moment we are visiting Meg…"

"Stay where you are baby" I say tightly as although I really need her I don't want to disturb her visit.

"Ok" she replies but the way she says it, it is more of a question than a confirmation.

I think quickly, "Meet me for lunch" I demand, and then I pause, "I mean, will you meet me for lunch?" I ask.

"Yes I'll meet you for lunch then, are you sure you don't want me to come now?" she asks, and I can tell that she knows I really need her right now.

"No baby, I'm fine" I lie.

I can tell she doesn't believe me by the tone of her voice, "Alright…" she says and before she can say anything else I quickly jump in.

"I think I will call Caroline" I say.

Ana quickly jumps on that with positivity, "Yes that would be a good idea, as this has clearly upset you" she says which for some reason riles me.

"I'm not grieving for her" I snap and then immediately regret what I said.

"No I'm not suggesting that… but it has clearly unsettled you or you wouldn't have called me" Ana says calmly and the anger leaves me in a rush.

"I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean that the way it sounded. Come and meet me for lunch about 1pm?" I ask.

"Alright, yes I'll get there for 1pm". There is a pause and I quickly jump in before she can say anything else.

"Thank you baby, I'll let you go… I love you" I say earnestly.

"I love you too, bye". With a deep sigh I end the call and quickly call Caroline.

"Caroline Maguire" she says in her confident yet compassionate tone.

"Caroline it's Christian Grey" I say and once again I inwardly cringe at how I sound at this moment.

"Hello, how are you? Although I am guessing not so good considering you are calling me now when you have your scheduled session later today?" she waits and there a long silence which spreads out between us.

"Elena is dead" I blurt out, and then pause. "She… I've just been told. I don't know how she died…" I pause again. I want to offload this way I am feeling every time I say her name. I feel confused, I feel as though I shouldn't be feeling the way I do. She abused me… but…

"Alright, I think an emergency session is called for right now as this is an exceptional circumstance. Do you want to come over now? I can rearrange my next scheduled appointment which is in an hours time if I know you are coming now?" she says with brisk efficiency which somehow helps.

"Yes… yes I'll do that. I need to rearrange my schedule but yes" I say and with that I am standing and grabbing my jacket.

I thank her, quickly hang up and leaving my office I pause at Andrea's desk, she looks up at me and frowns so I know I must look terrible.

"Is everything alright sir?" Andrea asks warily.

I shake my head, "I need to go out, and then I'm meeting my wife for lunch at 1pm so can you rearrange my schedule accordingly?" I ask.

"Yes sir" she says totally unfazed by my request.

"Thank you" I say and move away, as I do so the elevator doors open and there stands Ana looking concerned. She came, she knew I needed her and she came.

"Ana" I gasp.

She walks towards me and I throw myself into her arms, holding her tightly.

I feel her hands running up and down my back and I close my eyes, I concentrate on her touch and I feel myself starting to relax and calm down.

"It's ok, I'm here" she whispers and I respond by just holding her even tighter.

Eventually I pull away, "I'm just going to see Caroline for an emergency session" I explain and Ana nods, slipping her hand into mine.

"Do you want me to come with you?" she asks.

I hesitate, and then nod, "Yes" I say simply.

oooOOOooo

(ANA)

The drive over to Caroline's offices is in total silence. I don't say anything and neither does Christian. He is holding my hand so tightly it almost hurts and he is just staring out of the window. I know this has thrown him. I wonder what he is feeling right now? The only emotions I feel about that woman is relief that she is finally gone. I always had my suspicions that she still maintained some kind of hold over Christian and the way he is behaving right now confirms that theory for me.

"Christian" I say and he turns his head to look at me, but doesn't say anything.

"I think you should have some time to discuss with Caroline without me with you" I say.

He frowns at that and opens his mouth to protest so I quickly jump in.

"My reasoning being… I am not objective when it comes to that woman, and you need to open up and be honest about how you are feeling right now. If I am sitting there listening I don't think you will be as open as you could be, because you know what I have always thought about her… It's ok for you to be hurting, you believed she helped you for a long time and I think that is why her death has shaken you so badly… I think you believe you shouldn't feel what you are feeling and so it wouldn't be right for me to sit there with you as you try and make sense of it. You need to be alone with Caroline to work it out".

Christian thinks about that and nods, "I said before that I wasn't grieving for her… I think… I…" he stops and shakes his head.

"You think you are" I finish for him and he looks at me warily almost sheepishly.

I smile reassuringly at him, "And that is why you need to talk to Caroline alone because you know what I think of her, and I think that you are worried that I will think less of you because you are grieving for her. Which for the record is total rubbish, you are having a perfectly normal reaction, she meant something to you back then. I don't agree with what she did and I loathe her completely, but it is more complicated for you, because that while you logically have come to terms with the realisation that what she did was abuse, but that doesn't negate the fact that at the time she meant something to you".

"I feel like it's wrong… the way I am feeling" he mutters as he rhythmically runs his thumb over my knuckles.

I smile at him and place my free hand on his thigh, "Christian, what she did was wrong, there is no argument or ambiguity in that fact. But what you are feeling is totally normal. You have just heard that someone you once were close to has died and you are feeling shock and grief at that news. I'm not going to blame you or think any less of you for having these totally normal emotions".

He stares at me, and goes to open his mouth and then closes it again.

"What is it?" I ask gently.

"I… I'm scared that if I admit how I am feeling… how I am really feeling, you will be so disgusted that you will leave me".

I actually roll my eyes at that and let out a long sigh. "Christian, don't be ridiculous" I say with complete exasperation. Then I pause, that wasn't helpful but I can't believe that woman is still controlling him to this degree. I thought that when he had helped put her away and come to the realisation that she was a paedophile that… oh, I get it now. She is… was a paedophile and he knows that, he saw and heard what she did to other young boys just like him… and he feels as though it is wrong for him to grieve for her, that it makes him a bad person. I stop and I grip his thigh with my free hand.

"Christian look at me" I say and he turns towards me a bleak expression on his face and fear very evident in those beautiful grey eyes and it kills me to see it. I hold up my hand and raise a finger.

"Firstly, and most importantly, I am not going to leave you". I pause as he thinks about that and then I raise a second finger, "Secondly, you are not a bad person for the way you are feeling right now. That is why we are travelling to see your therapist right now so you can process these thoughts and feelings properly". I pause again, before holding up a third finger, "Thirdly, full disclosure I am glad she is dead and a really spiteful part of me hopes it was a painful death as it is nothing more than she deserves after what she did to you and those other men when you and they were children". I pause again and then lower my hand and place it on top of his which is still gripping my other hand tightly.

"She was evil, she was the bad person in this scenario not you… you were her victim along with those other men. You were messed up from what had happened to you and she took advantage of that, that is not your fault. You have made so much progress and you have become an abuse survivor in recent times… don't let her death take you back to being her victim again, she doesn't deserve to have that power over you. This is so complicated, which is why you need to talk with Caroline alone because I have no idea what to say, and I'm not sure what I am saying right now is just making things worse for you… just know that when you come out of that room with Caroline, I will be sitting outside waiting for you. I love you Christian and I am not going to leave you".

I watch him swallow hard and then he turns and pulls me, I unclip my seatbelt and he pulls me into his lap and crushes me to him, and then he buries his nose in my hair and inhales deeply. I don't say anything else and I just hold him and we continue the rest of the journey in silence.