CHAPTER 107

Caroline is waiting for us as we arrive and she smiles at me before she shakes Christian's hand, "Hello, do you want to come through Christian?" she says gently gesturing towards the doorway.

He nods and turns towards me, "I'll be right here" I reassure him.

"Are you not coming in?" Caroline asks.

I shake my head, "No, Christian has some very complex emotions and feelings to try and make sense of at the moment and I am not objective when it comes to that woman, so I don't think being there will help him honestly express how he is feeling" I say, "In fact I know it won't be helpful having me there. He just won't feel comfortable being totally honest about what he is thinking and feeling, because he knows how much I despised Elena, and he really needs to be totally open and honest".

Caroline nods, "That's very sensible, are you happy with that decision Christian?" she asks.

He nods, "I am, although…" he stops and looks at me once more.

I smile reassuringly at him and reaching for him I touch his hand, "I will be right here, and if you do want me to come in I will".

He nods and disappears inside. I sit down and pull out my phone, I pause and then I decide to call Grace. A part of me is still feeling a degree of anger towards her, especially right now as Christian is so clearly struggling with this news about Elena and once again I am returning to the fact that if Grace and Carrick had only done more for him he would never have fallen into her hands and been abused by her. A really petty part of me wants Grace to know just how much Christian is struggling with this.

I hesitate a moment and then I place the call. I wonder if Grace knows about Elena and as I am thinking that Grace answers.

"Hello, Dr Grace Trevelyan" she says.

"Hello Grace it's Ana" I say.

"Ana darling how are you? What can I do for you?" Grace replies brightly.

I take a deep breath, "I thought you might like to know, Elena Lincoln died today". I stop as I hear a sharp intake of breath.

"How's Christian?" Grace says immediately and that really petty part of me rises up once again.

"Not good, I'm currently sitting outside Caroline's office where he is having an emergency session with her. He is grieving for her but feels that it is wrong of him to do so, he is also afraid that if he admits to what he is feeling right now that I will leave him, which is obviously complete rubbish. So in short he is a complete mess right now". I stop and close my eyes, I am now feeling a degree of guilt for being quite so blunt as I know this will hurt Grace hearing that but then I reason, she needs to know. She needs to know how her inaction years ago is now playing out. She handed Christian gift wrapped to Elena through not doing enough for him when she adopted him. That was only partly resolved when he came to terms with the fact he had been abused and he helped put her away, but Elena's death has now just reopened that chapter and reopened all the old wounds and made Christian doubt himself once more… doubt which in my opinion he would not have had, had Grace helped him overcome his issues when he was a child.

"I blame myself for how he is feeling… I know I should've done more" Grace says and it takes everything I have not to agree with her.

"Christian doesn't blame you" I say instead, it comes out tight and emotionless and I know it will offer her no comfort.

I hear a brittle humourless laugh at that, "No, but you do" she says and I have no idea how to answer that, so an awkward silence spreads out between us.

"I know you blame me, that fact first became apparent when you and Eva came to see us that day after you overheard us talking with Christian. It was confirmed at the family meeting we had. Believe me though when I say how much you blame me doesn't come close to how much I blame myself".

I think carefully and realise I can't add anything to that and I really don't want to try and make her feel better. Because after witnessing how shredded Christian is right now and how he is turning himself inside out trying to make sense of everything, while also being terrified that if he admits to how he feels it will make me leave him; that petty, small-minded part of me really wants her to feel as bad as he does right now. I have really tried to be the bigger person; I have tried to let it go but Elena dying and how that has affected Christian has just highlighted for me how I really haven't let anything go at all, I've just suppressed it.

"I just thought I'd let you know about Elena" I say eventually and somewhat lamely.

"Thank you for telling me" Grace replies equally lamely as we both decide to avoid the real issue here.

The call ends and I don't hesitate and I call Eva.

"Hi sis" Eva says brightly as she answers.

"Eva can you talk?" I ask.

"Of course I can, what's wrong?" Eva asks.

"Elena's dead and I have just poked a bear with a stick" I say.

There is a brief silence before Eva answers, "Let me facetime you" she says and the call drops but almost immediately I get a facetime request pop up on my phone. I smile as I see my sisters concerned face.

"Ok spill" she says.

I quickly outline everything that has happened this morning, and how Christian had called me while I was at Meg's, the drive to Caroline's office and my call to Grace.

Eva listens without comment and when I have finished, she lets out a long breath, "Well, how Christian is reacting was expected and understandable and how you have responded is - in my opinion, also expected and understandable. You love him and we both know you've never really let go what you saw as Grace's failings and this was the perfect opportunity for you to lash out at her, you see Christian struggling with something which in your mind could've been avoided had Grace helped him. It's as simple as that, and to be honest with you sis… I'm right with you. I know you tried to let it go to a degree only because Christian didn't blame Grace but I think that is only because he is too grateful to her for adopting him and his own issues tell him not to blame her in case she turns against him".

I nod, "Mia said something similar" I say, "She said Christian was too grateful to Grace for adopting him".

"We just seem to be going round in circles and never really coming to any conclusion on this" I say.

Eva nods, "I know, it's a hard one. Although with Elena dying that should really be the last time this subject will be raised. I know Christian will try and make that the case. It was inevitable it should reopen all the old questions of culpability as it never really was totally resolved because Christian doesn't blame Grace. Everyone else including Grace sees it but until Christian does then I think the best thing to do is just keep doing what you have been doing, and that is let it go to a degree because if it's not an issue for Christian you can't make it your issue… even though your actions today prove that you really haven't".

"So, I shouldn't have said what I said to Grace?" I ask.

Eva grins, "No, I didn't say that. I think you were totally right to say what you did. Besides you were just letting her know that a woman who was a close friend of hers had died. She was the one who brought up the subject of blame".

I smile, "That's semantics and you know it, because I only told Grace because I wanted her to feel bad".

Eva shrugs, "Again, she wouldn't have felt bad at the news a paedo had died if she had not placed her son in the paedo's hands in the first place. That is down to Grace and her lack of action helping Christian when she adopted him. It will always come back to that fundamental fact Ana, you've done all you can and everyone agrees that you have done more for Christian than anyone else ever has. So don't feel bad about what you said to Grace, it was a natural instinct for you to want to lash out at the woman you see as failing the man you love".

"What if Christian gets angry about it?" I ask as I start to overthink my actions.

Eva smiles again, "He won't" she says simply.

"Eva, I have just called his mother and told her that her friend is dead, the friend she essentially gave her son to, to be abused and that her son is now struggling with his own feelings regarding the death of a paedophile. I have just reopened and exacerbated all Grace's guilt because of my own anger towards her which despite my best efforts I am unable to completely let go of and through that I have probably now made things worse. So, I'm fairly certain he will get angry about that if nothing else and…" I stop as I see a figure in front of me, his eyes look wild.

"Christian I…" I stop, "I'll call you back Eva" I say and end the call before she can respond.

"Christian I…" I begin again but he doesn't say a word he just hauls me into his arms and kisses me, before wordlessly pulling me into Caroline's office and closing the door.

(CHRISTIAN)

I sit down in my usual place and Caroline takes hers and she looks at me expectantly.

"So, where do you want to begin Christian?" she asks gently.

I lean forward and clasp my hands in front of me.

"I was talking to Gideon – via Skype when Welch called and told me about Elena" I begin.

Caroline nods, "And what was your initial reaction to the news?" she asks.

I pause, "Shock, a great deal of shock… and grief, I felt sad, disbelief… and then shame… lots of shame because I shouldn't feel grief for a woman who abused me".

"Why?" Caroline asks.

"Because…" I pause, "because she was a paedophile" I say.

"Did you know she was a paedophile when you were fifteen years old? You were brawling, drinking and your life was rapidly spiralling out of control and then your mother's friend helped you… didn't she? You told me yourself in one of our early sessions that your life came into focus and you turned it all around from that point".

"Yes… but… what she did was wrong" I argue.

Caroline smiles, "It was, it was completely and totally wrong. You were fifteen years old and she took advantage of you. However, that doesn't negate the fact that at that point in time her abuse produced a positive response from you so back then you naturally believed she helped you. You held on to that belief for many years, and that is why you are grieving Christian and there is nothing wrong with that reaction. You remember the superficially positive things she did for you, how she helped you bring your out-of-control life into focus. Yes, the damage that she caused as a result of her actions is something which cannot be condoned in anyway shape or form, but you are dealing with the issues she made for you and you are doing brilliantly at trying to resolve them. You have made the realisation that what she did wasn't helpful and that it was abuse, but the fact remains - that fundamental fact that had she not taken you and abused you, your life would've continued to spiral out of control, so despite knowing that what she did was wrong you feel a degree of gratitude to her and you feel that having that gratitude is wrong… is that a fair summary?"

I stare at her, and suddenly I see it all. I see everything in crystal clarity clearer than I have ever seen anything before in my life. The past three years flow through my head the key moments back then; meeting Ana and falling in love with her, realisation that Elena was a paedophile and helping to convict her. My mind fasts forward to the last six months when everything turned upside-down and changed forever when Ana met Eva. The way Ana and Eva confronted my parents, my mother's guilt, the family meeting when it all came out and it hits me with the force of a wrecking ball what everyone has been saying for the past few months and which I have refused to ever fully acknowledge.

"If my mother had done more for me when she first adopted me… It is possible I wouldn't have gone so out of control in my teenage years and I would never have fallen into Elena's hands and I would never have gotten abused by her". I stop and put my head into my hands, I think of how Ana has tried to tell me, how Elliot and Mia tried to tell me.

"To me Elena was a kind of saviour, she helped me get my shit together and that is why I am grieving for her I am grateful to her for helping me, but I wouldn't have needed that help had my parents got me the real help when they adopted me, and if they had helped me overcome my haphephobia. But I was so grateful to them for taking me in so I refused to see their failings… just as I failed to see Elena was a paedophile". I stop, the thoughts are bombarding me so I just let go and let the words come out of my mouth as the questions come into my head.

"Grace failed me through love, I can't blame her for that. She tried to love me but I was such a difficult child and I just… but surely she could've done more? But I was a little shit, I didn't belong… they took me in gave me a home I would've ended up in the system and possibly been abused again and mom wanted to avoid that and give me a home… but surely part of that should've been helping me overcome what had previously happened to me? Helping me come to terms with my birth mother's death? With the trauma of being trapped in that fucking apartment with her dead body for days? With the abuse I suffered at the hands of her pimp? If I'd had some real assistance overcoming my haphephobia I would not have started brawling and I wouldn't have been expelled from several schools… I wouldn't have been in Elena and Lincs garden shovelling rubble and she wouldn't have abused me. Because of mom and dad I didn't go into the system and I avoided the possibility of being abused again as I would've stayed in the system till I aged out… but I was still abused again when I was a teenager. Elena Lincoln abused me… and my mother facilitated that abuse by her inaction at helping me overcome my haphephobia and the issues I had from my life before I was adopted".

I lean back in my seat and close my eyes and rub my hands roughly over my face. The grief for Elena has gone as are the feelings of shame and discomfort for feeling that grief as another realisation hits me and my eyes fly open. "I'm not to blame for any of it" I say. Caroline continues to sit silently and let me work through this breakthrough. This complete epiphany which I am currently experiencing.

I stand up and pace around the room and it hits me, I look down at the wedding ring on my finger and I realise, Ana – the one person who has always had my back. The one person who always tries to do what is best for me and who always has my best interests at heart. I need her, I need her right now. I walk to the door and wrench it open searching for the one person who hasn't failed me all my life. The one person who always has my best interests at heart. As I open the door I see her, just as she promised she is waiting for me. I see Ana hunched over her phone talking and I catch the final part of the conversation she is having; I quickly realise she is talking to Eva which was to be expected.

She doesn't see me at first then she perceives me and looks up, shock filling her face.

"Christian I…" She stops, "I'll call you back Eva" she adds and she ends the call. I reach for her and she tries to speak again but I need her to know that I love her and with that I smash my mouth to hers.

As I pull away, I see the astonishment on her face and I know I need to explain, so I grasp her hand pulling her into Caroline's office and closing the door behind me.

"Christian I…" Ana begins again, and I hold up my hand to stop her.

"I heard and no I'm not angry. You have no idea of the epiphany I have just had - I see it all I see it all so clearly now. Everything makes sense, everything you have been trying to tell me for years, everything that Elliot and Mia said at that family meeting… everything I have been blaming myself for".

Ana stares at me open mouthed and her eyes wide. I continue and I grasp her by the shoulders.

"It's not my fault, none of it is my fault. You have told me that repeatedly but I never believed it… I never saw it all clearly… I never believed… you are the only person in my life ever who has done what is best for me. You are the only one". I let go of her and start pacing, both my hands running through my hair as I make sense of my life for the first time. I spin on the spot and pace some more. Ana glances nervously at Caroline who is just sitting there with a smug grin on her face.

I look at Ana again, "You tried to tell me, Elliot tried to tell me, Mia tried to tell me…" I stop and take a deep breath.

"My birth mother failed me, it was not her fault – you helped me see that, you made me see that she wasn't to blame for the situation she was in. I now know the full story, from my birth family and you helped me process it and make me see she wasn't to blame… she was grieving for my father and her life spiralled out of control. I wasn't to blame for what the pimp did to me, I was a defenceless child who was abused. I wasn't to blame… I wasn't a little shit. I was saved by Grace and Carrick Grey, they became my mom and dad. I thought mom was an angel the first time I saw her, she was the first person I could remember who had spoken to me and treated me with kindness. So, she was my saviour… mom and dad adopted me, but they also failed me. They didn't do enough for me to help me overcome the trauma I'd been through. I was afraid of being touched and they did nothing to overcome that. I was given a life full of privilege and opportunity but I was also failed as while I escaped the poverty I didn't escape that time in my head, that time shaped me and I was unable to escape it. When I became a teenager and hit puberty that made things worse and I started spiralling out of control, but if I'd had proper help if mom had just helped me overcome my issues with touch that would've helped immensely and I wouldn't have started brawling or drinking and I wouldn't have fallen into Elena's hands… she didn't help me, I see that now. Yes, I believed she did because she made me see things clearer at that time, giving up control to her helped at the time but it was superficial help as she just fed on my issues so she was no better than the pimp. She used abuse – just as he did, she made me think I deserved the beatings… but I didn't, it wasn't my fault… none of it was my fault but she made me think it was. She made me think the way I was, was my fault. She was a paedophile who twisted my thoughts and made me think she was a good person – she did that, it wasn't my fault. But then you came into my life and you showed me love. You showed me real true unselfish love and I tried to… I… I tried to warp it and tried to tarnish it. But you refused, oh thank god you refused and you made me see I didn't need that lifestyle you made me see… and time and time again you have tried to make me see… and I see it Ana, it has taken me far too long but I see it, I see it all so, so clearly now… I see it all". My rambling thoughts which are spewing from my mouth finally come to a halt and l stop talking, I know I have shocked Ana by that outburst and I take a deep breath to try and regain some kind of control.

I look at Ana and see her with tears pouring down her cheeks and I lurch forward.

"Oh Christian" she gasps as she pulls me into her arms and just holds me. I bury my nose in her hair and closing my eyes I inhale deeply and I start to sob.

"It's not my fault" I mutter again.

"No, Christian it's not" Ana replies.