AUTHORS NOTE: Thank you for your kind response to the last chapter, I knew how I wanted it to pan out and a rough idea of what direction I wanted it to go but I kind of had an epiphany as I was writing it and the words just kept coming so this is the rest of it, I decided to split it into two chapters as there were so many different perspectives and it got quite long.

Also, in response to the guest reviewer who said 'they need a baby now and to start their own family and have something more to focus on'. I'm sorry but that isn't going to happen, I made it clear right from the beginning that Ana wasn't going to have a baby in this story, as it is a storyline which has been done to death in every possible way and I have reiterated that fact throughout when it has been suggested. The only pregnancy related storyline is with Elliot and Megumi.

CHAPTER 108

(CAROLINE)

As a therapist and psychiatrist these are the moments I live for. The moment of breakthrough where my patient makes huge realisations about themselves and the situation they are in. I have been waiting for this moment ever since I took Christian Grey as my patient and I find it quite ironic that it is the death of his abuser which has brought about this epiphany.

I watch as this man, this ruthless CEO stands and sobs in his wife's arms. I pause as I think about the journey I have been on with him. He has come an incredibly long way in a very short period of time but I was shocked and astounded by the way he had been treated all his life. Never really receiving any substantial and meaningful help, and let down by the people who he should've unquestionably been closest to. I could never comment on the role his adopted mother played in regard to his issues and trauma as that would've been totally unethical, but it was clear for all to see and from what he has just said many people have told him this over the years but he has never listened to them. I look at Ana Grey, this petite slim woman who Grey physically towers over but who is his mental rock. That much became clear from the moment I started treating him as when we first met practically every sentence that came out of his mouth began with 'Ana says' or 'Ana believes that…' So much so that at the beginning I was slightly concerned. I wondered whether Ana was influencing his decisions a little bit too much, as it was obvious that he is totally devoted to her, some would argue obsessed with her. It became clear very quickly though as he opened up and told me about how she has supported him and helped him. How she had helped him turn his relationship with his father around that she is the only person in his life who has gone the extra mile for him and devoted time and effort into his mental healing and wellbeing, and as such he trusts her implicitly and he clings to her.

As I got to know him though, and I finally got the notes from his previous therapist who was also woefully negligent I began to build up the true picture of Christian Grey. I quickly established his horrific childhood before he was adopted lay at the core of all his issues. Issues which were exacerbated by the inaction of his adopted parents to help him overcome his traumatic start in life. We have had many breakthroughs over the time I have been treating him but nothing on the scale of today. I quickly diagnosed him with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, as he spoke candidly about how he behaved and as I questioned him on aspects of his life he quickly described and displayed a large number of the diagnosable symptoms for that disorder. When I gave him my diagnosis and explained that the name was an updated name for Borderline Personality disorder I watched as the shutters came down. I had sat with him and patiently and carefully explained why I had come to this conclusion and after some discussion and lots of questions he had accepted the diagnosis. I also explained that I believed he was dealing with a number of co-morbidity disorders and I explained I believed that he was also dealing with depression, anxiety and also PTSD. He had been surprised at that, like most people he believed that was only a diagnosis for ex-military personnel until I explained that many people had suffered trauma of one kind or another and that his early life experiences had left him completely traumatised.

The family meeting which was organised was a real eye opener for me, it was the first time I had met his wife, siblings and parents in person, although I had previously spoken to Carrick Grey. He had contacted me for the first time shortly after I'd given Christian his diagnosis and he had disclosed it to his family. He had called me and thanked me for all I was doing for his son and asked me for information on Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder as he wanted to educate himself on it. As we spoke and I explained that it was an updated name for Borderline Personality disorder, I could tell he was influenced by the negative stigma which surrounds that particular diagnosis but to his credit he wanted to know more and learn so he could develop ways of trying to help his son. I was incredibly impressed by him and his reaction and we have been in contact ever since then. That family meeting was very uncomfortable; however, it wasn't unexpected. From what Christian had told me over our sessions I felt a deep-seated resentment inside him that his parents didn't do enough to help him overcome his issues but that conflicted with guilt as he believed he shouldn't feel that way because they didn't have to adopt him. Nothing I suggested or tried to do would overcome that and I really thought when his siblings voiced the same views at the meeting that this would be the moment he realised he had nothing to feel guilty about. It wasn't to be though and he steadfastly held on to his stance that he didn't blame his parents for anything and any blame was solely heaped upon himself. He had worked out his differences with his father and as far as he was concerned it was a non-issue. He nearly got there a few times that day but stopped short of admitting they failed him and it confirmed for me that he was too grateful to them for adopting him to risk saying anything which could disrupt the status quo. I also got a good insight into Ana Grey and I could see just how important she is to him and rightly so as she really was the only person who had ever tried to meaningfully help him. His brother had quite succinctly summed up Christian's life in his own bitter tirade about his parents and their failings and he had sung Ana's praises and credited her with being the only one who had helped his brother.

Christian Grey is a very complex man, and I know we still have a long way to go but today is a massive breakthrough. Especially as his self-hatred is so ingrained, I honestly never thought I would hear the words 'I'm not to blame' coming from him, but he not only said it he repeated it many times and said it in many different ways, so it truly was an epic realisation he came to and it was so gratifying to hear. I saw the shock on his wife's face as he said it for the first time and my guess is she has been trying to make him see this for a while. My only concern is where do we proceed from this point, as I have also been working hard with his mother and brother and while things are improving my concern is that his mother won't take this breakthrough well and it will only add to her own guilt and self-recrimination. First and foremost, though I want to build on his progress here today and I think my biggest tool to help with that will be Ana Grey.

I clear my throat and Ana looks at me but Christian still has his head buried in Ana's hair.

"Christian" she whispers to him and he takes a deep breath and as he pulls away he looks at her questioningly before scrubbing his hands over his face.

"What baby?" he asks and she nods her head towards me.

"I think Caroline wants to say something to you" she says.

Christian turns and looks at me and while he looks a mess from crying, there is a different look in his eyes now, a sort of openness in his gaze and a look of calmness and acceptance which has never been there before. This gives me real hope as I see it.

"How do you feel now you have come to this monumental realisation Christian?" I ask.

I watch as he turns towards Ana once more and reaches for her hand, she willingly grasps his hand in hers and she gestures towards the sofa. He obediently sits down pulling her down with him and wrapping his arm tightly around her so she is practically in his lap, he starts to speak.

"I'm not entirely sure" he begins, "It all seemed to come to me in a rush, almost as if a curtain had been lifted and I was seeing things clearly for the first time". He turns towards Ana, "Do you remember how I told you when I started seeing Elena and that I felt my life had come into focus?" he pauses and Ana nods warily.

"This feels the same… yet different, it feels more… I don't know… real? No that's not the right word, I can't explain it, substantial?" he is clearly struggling to try and express the monumental depth of the breakthrough he had and I go to step in and reassure him that it doesn't matter when Ana speaks again.

"I know what you are trying to say, I think real is a good way to describe it because this is real. This is real progress on your part because it is focussed entirely on you and getting you healed and whole. When you thought Elena was helping you, it wasn't real it was just her sick fantasies and she wasn't doing what she was doing to help you at all it was all selfish and she was manipulating you and using your issues against you for her and her needs. At that time though it was real to you, it was progress to you as it was the first time someone had given you something to focus on and grasp hold of and you believed it was helping you. Now you know that wasn't the case, but you are feeling that kind of clarity again now with your therapy" she pauses and lets out a small snort, "I just find it ironic that it is Elena dying which has focussed your mind and made you see everything so clearly… she did something right in her miserable life and it took her dying to do it" she says with more than a hint of bitterness in her tone.

Christian pulls her towards him once more, "I'm so sorry baby" he says and I feel alarm bells starting to go off, as he says it. Is he regressing back to self-recrimination again?

Ana stares at him and pulls back, "Why? What on earth do you need to apologise for?" she asks sharply and I realise she is also concerned by this development.

He smiles sadly at her, "I didn't listen to you, I didn't listen to Elliot and I didn't listen to Mia, you've all tried to tell me. You all tried to make me see this and yet it took a person you despise to finally open my eyes to the truth… I should've listened to you baby and I'm so sorry I didn't".

Ana smiles again and I see the relief, "You did Christian, you listened to us but you just weren't ready to hear it and accept it then and it took Elena dying to focus your thoughts and bring everything together".

I watch as he thinks about that and slowly nods.

"I guess" he says simply.

"How do you feel towards your parents now Christian?" I ask and I wait with almost bated breath for his answer as the last thing I want is to create a new rift within the Grey family.

He pauses and thinks about it, "Mom failed me… I see that now, and I accept it but I also forgive her because in the big scheme of things her motives and intentions were good. She wanted to give me a home and security. She wanted me to be loved and not lost in the system and that is exactly what I got. Grace Trevelyan-Grey still saved me that night she was in the ER when I was brought in, she just made some mistakes. She has admitted she was in over her head and she let her heart rule her head, that kind of mistake I can forgive as it was a mistake rooted in love and kindness. Am I grateful to her for adopting me? Of course I am, and am I too grateful to her?..." there is a long pause as he thinks about that and then he slowly nods his head. "I think I probably was, I was afraid that if I voiced my feelings and call her out on her mistakes she would turn against me and I really didn't want to lose another mother. Now though, now I think I need to tell her, I need to tell her and say it all like I just did a few moments ago" he pauses and lets out a small chuckle, "Perhaps not quite how I said it a few moments ago" and Ana smiles at that and squeezes his hand, he returns the squeeze but he has a look of determination on his face, "But I also need to tell her that it's ok and that I forgive her" he adds.

I watch as Ana beams at him, "I think that is a brilliant idea Christian" she says encouragingly. He turns towards her and looks at her knowingly.

"And that will help you as well won't it baby? If you see me do that it will help you let it go once and for all… because I heard what you said to Eva, about what happened between you and mom and no I'm not angry at you but I'm sorry baby, sorry that I put that on you and you have felt unable to let it go because you knew I hadn't really come to terms with it and that I was just pushing it under the carpet".

I am lost for words at this, this is totally remarkable the way he has worked all this out and is now making solid healthy decisions.

"Why don't you call your mom now… while we are here?" Ana asks warily and looks at me, to which I nod my head.

"If that is what you want to do, I am happy to facilitate that" I say. At this moment I am happy to facilitate anything he wants to keep the momentum moving forward.

I see the determination in his eyes now and the strong CEO is back and in control, he pulls his phone out and makes the call.

"Mom, it's Christian… yes… yes I know she did… I'm fine now I have worked it all through with Caroline and I need you to come over to Caroline's office, as I need to talk to you… do you want me to send someone to fetch you?... Alright I'll see you shortly, bye mom".

He pushes his phone away, "She's here in the city, and said she isn't far from here so she is making her way over now".

oooOOOooo

"Hello Grace, I'm glad you could join us". I shake Grace Trevelyan-Grey's hand and she moves into the room. She makes a beeline for Christian and greets him warmly with a kiss on the cheek. I can't help but notice the frostier stiffer greeting she gives Ana and I wonder what was said between the two women.

Christian notices too and frowns, "Mom I have come to a number of realisations today and I need to talk to you about them" he says.

"Alright darling, I know this is important to you so if I can help in any way I will. That woman is dead now so she is no longer a cloud hanging over our family" Grace says.

Christian nods, "It's not Elena I want to talk about mom, it's you" he begins.

"Oh… I see… alright then," Grace says, slightly taken aback by his words.

I watch and I see the steely determination in his eyes and I wonder what he is going to say. He leans back and rests his ankle on his knee, oh that is interesting he is leaning back signifying he is reasonably relaxed about this. He is relaxed and in control because he knows this is the right thing to do, he wants to bring this to an end once and for all, no matter what the outcome is. He is no longer afraid.

"Ana said you were a mess but I think that was more than a slight exaggeration as you look very together" Grace says accusingly.

"Don't mom" Christian begins, "I am very together right now because I have made a number of realisations today" he says warningly.

Grace shuts her mouth and just nods.

I watch as Christian takes a deep breath, and then takes a shot look at Ana and then me before he starts to speak, "When I was told Elena had died I felt as though the bottom had fallen out of my world" he pauses as a sharp exclamation comes from Grace at this. I glance at Ana who doesn't look surprised or upset by his words.

"I was shocked and I was grieving, but that quickly gave way to a large amount of guilt and shame. I felt out of control and I didn't know what to do. I was talking to Gideon at the time and he advised me to speak to Ana and Caroline, so that is what I did. Ana came straight to me and we came here. I was a mess, I couldn't make sense of how I was feeling, I felt sadness and grief. How on earth could I feel any degree of grief for a paedophile? It was just… wrong, but as I thought about it and tried to make sense of it with Caroline's help I suddenly got it, with more clarity than I have ever had in my life. You see it wasn't Elena I was grieving for… I was grieving for what we did together". Grace opens her mouth to protest but Christian holds up his hand and silences her.

"Wait, mom and listen to me. At that moment in time she helped me mom, now I see that it wasn't right and it was abuse, but back then I didn't I saw help - but that wasn't my fault. But as fucked up as it was what we did then helped me, you saw it yourself mom, you saw how I stopped brawling and I turned it all around. You see, she made me see things clearly and she helped me with her abuse get my life back on track. That is why I was grieving for her, no that's not right I wasn't grieving for Elena at all, well… maybe I was a little bit as I couldn't make the distinction at that point. Now I can, I wasn't grieving for the paedophile, I was not grieving for the evil woman who seduced a fifteen-year-old child. I was grieving for the fucked up help she gave me and I suppose to a degree for the woman whose fucked-up actions…helped me. Admittedly they were for her own selfish needs but she helped me, and for the first time in my life I was given something which in my head helped and so I grasped it with both hands and I ran with it". He stops and takes a deep breath as Grace looks completely shellshocked by his words. After a moment I watch as his hands ball into fists and Ana reaches for him and touches his clenched fist.

He doesn't seem to notice as he looks straight at Grace and finally makes his monumental admission, "It took a paedophile to help me mom because… you failed me".

And there it is, he has done it. I wait for Grace's response but the shock is so great she just sits staring at him with her mouth hanging open and I realise she really wasn't expecting that, she has voiced her own guilt many times, but actually hearing Christian call her out on her failures is a totally different situation.

"Christian I…" she begins but he holds up his hand.

"Wait mom, let me finish" he says and she shuts her mouth and nods.

"Let's be clear here mom, I will always be grateful to you and dad for adopting me. You gave me a life filled with privilege and advantages and for that I will always be eternally grateful. I will always be grateful for the way you cared for me that night we met in the ER… but the fact remains you did fail me. You have admitted as much a few times now but I have always denied it and given you a free pass, but now I realise that yes you did and it took Elena dying to realise it. As I say, I wasn't grieving Elena I was grieving the help she gave me, the twisted and dark help which admittedly did more damage in the long run but at that time it was the only meaningful help I'd ever received in my life up to that point. I had been farmed out to therapist after therapist who I didn't trust and I had been subjected to every form of therapy known to man. I was traumatised, and I get why you respected my boundaries at first but now… why didn't you help me come to terms with my past and help me overcome my haphephobia? Had you done so, there is the very real possibility that I wouldn't have fallen into Elena's hands as a teenager as I wouldn't have gotten so out of control and wouldn't have been expelled from the schools. You should've tried mom, you should've helped me. You knew how, as you are a trained paediatrician. But you didn't, but I have also come to realise something else today. I have never admitted any of this because I was too grateful to you, I felt it wasn't right for me to feel this way, that it was ungrateful of me to think these things and so I pushed it away and when Elena told me I didn't need my family it made it easy for me to believe that because she was helping me and… and you never had. So, when we reconnected and Elena was convicted it then made me question everything again and I was filled with an immense sense of shame and guilt which was intensified by my underlying feelings of worthlessness. So I was stuck, I was afraid to face the question of the fact you had failed me, because I didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want to lose another mom, I didn't want you to reject me... as I had rejected you. I didn't want to lose you when I had just got you back in my life again after escaping Elena's influence. Now though I see it all clearly, and to properly move on and fully heal I need to be completely honest and say all the things I've been in denial about for years… and so while I say mom you did fail me, I also say I forgive you mom. Your failure came from a place of love, you didn't abuse me you tried to love me and you made a mistake out of love for me. So, while I do now admit I was failed I also say that I forgive you for it and I hope that you can forgive me for everything I have just said".

Grace stares at him with her mouth hanging open and then she comes to her senses, she stands and holds open her arms, "I have nothing to forgive you for Christian" she says.

Christian stands up and walks into his mothers' arms. I look at Ana and she is smiling and as I watch her, I see her close her eyes and let out a long sigh. In that moment I know she is also letting it go. I marvel at her, and remember what she said at the family meeting when Elliot begged her to get Christian to admit everything he has just said here and now and she refused to do so because she knew deep down, he wasn't ready to do it. It appears she knows this man better than he knows himself.

I quickly pull myself together and regain my professional composure.

"Grace what are your feelings hearing all that?" I ask.

She smiles sadly at me, "I deserved all that, every last word and I am just happy that my son has forgiven me". She pauses and taking a deep breath she looks at Ana, "I also take on board what you said to me Ana, I know you have always blamed me and thought I should've done more for Christian and you are right I should've and I will always have to live with that fact. I also know that you never really let those thoughts go, but how could you? You were offended on his behalf at my failings - and rightly so, you were just trying to help Christian and I thank you for it, you really are the best thing that has ever happened to him".

I turn to Ana, who is at this moment looking down at her hands. "How do you feel now Ana?" I ask, I am really interested to hear her response as this is the first time I have ever heard how she feels as I haven't worked with her.

She looks up at me and smiles and then she reaches for Christian who immediately wraps his arm around her. I take note of that, she is seeking his support so it seems he is as much an emotional rock for her as she is for him, that is interesting as from what Christian has always said and from her actions earlier I drew the conclusion that she was the emotionally stronger person in the relationship, but her demeanour at the moment says otherwise.

"I'm happy for Christian that he has found this clarity, and I hope that this gives everyone closure. That woman is now thankfully dead and gone which is nothing but a good thing, and after listening to Christian just now articulating his acceptance and full understanding of everything, I have now let go of the remaining animosity I felt regarding what happened to him when he was a child". She pauses and looks at Grace, "I will admit I did call you to tell you about Elena's death out of spite, not to just inform you of her passing. I did it… I did it because I saw how it messed with Christian's head and how he was going into a tailspin about it. When he called me I heard in his voice just how much that news had affected him… and I wanted you to feel as bad as he did… but now, now I think we can all draw a line under this and for my part, I'm sorry I was unable to let it go and that I was spiteful to you and I hope you can forgive me for what I did and said" Ana says and she glances at Grace before putting her head down again.

"Baby, no you have nothing to apologise for you did nothing wrong" Christian says immediately and adamantly and I see Grace's eyebrows rise slightly at that but she makes no comment at his interruption. That was interesting, was she expecting Christian to defend her or at least acknowledge that what Ana had done was wrong in some way?

"Grace? Do you have any response to that?" I ask.

I watch as Grace lets out a long breath, "It's over, that woman is dead. My son is healing and he has the love and support of his family to help him do so". I hear the tightness in her tone and alarm bells start ringing as she didn't really answer the point in question, namely Ana's admission.

"What are your thoughts regarding to what Ana has just told you?" I ask.

There is a long silence and you can almost see Grace working things out in her mind, "After my son has forgiven me for my failings and my daughter in law has also let go of the resentment she feels with regard to them, it would be churlish for me to not forgive her for her behaviour. We should all move on now". She smiles at Ana as she says this but it is a slightly forced and brittle one.

I listen and Grace has said all the right things but I can't help but think she is still offended that Christian jumped to Ana's defence rather than hers. I also think that this has confirmed for her that as far as Christian is concerned, he thinks Ana was right in her actions and that has upset her but she also knows that if she makes an issue of it Christian will stand with Ana and not her, and her own guilt is overriding her desire to take it further. I make a note to work on this with Grace privately as I don't want this to fester and cause further issues down the road. I look at Ana again and I find it interesting to note she primarily focussed on how this affects everyone else rather than her and when she focussed on herself, she effectively moved that focus from her on to Grace with her admission of feeling spiteful towards Grace. Ana is interesting me greatly as I think there is much more going on there than meets the eye.

"How about you Christian?" I ask.

He gives me a huge and genuine smile that makes me want to gasp, "I'm good, really good. I feel so different right now and I know that this is progress, it has really helped me and I'm also relieved at how well mom took what I said".

I nod, and glance at my watch, "Well, I think our time is just about up now. So, I would like to schedule another joint session with you and Grace to just process today a bit more, and you also have your own sessions Grace. Christian, you also have your scheduled sessions and I'd still like to see you later today as we had originally planned. I'd also like to organise a joint session with you and Ana to get your thoughts on today?" I ask carefully.

Ana looks shocked at that, "Me?" she asks and Christian nods adamantly.

"I think that is a brilliant idea" he says.