CHAPTER 110

(ANA)

I am totally blown away by what Christian has done, admittedly it is very him - that is, completely over the top. I smile down at the sated sleeping man beside me as I think this. I love this complicated man so much, he is my entire world. I was blown away by the visit to Japan, I could see how much he wanted to go there and I was also eager to visit. I was more than a little confused though when it appeared we would be leaving and returning home before our actual anniversary, which was the purpose of the vacation hence my demeanour, which I think Christian mistook as me being disappointed. I had just assumed something had cropped up and he had to return to Seattle to deal with it, which I accepted as part and parcel of being married to him. Never in a million years did I expect all this, not to mention the forthcoming trip to the Caribbean as well.

I run my fingers through his unruly hair and just watch him sleep. I drink him in, as it's not often I get the chance to do this as more often than not he is awake and up and about before me. I briefly tear my eyes away from my husband and look at the beautiful drapes on this magnificent bed, before they almost magnetically return to the sleeping man next to me.

We needed this time away after everything that had happened. To say the past few weeks have been intense would be an understatement. What with all the shit surrounding Kate and her behaviour and of course, everything that has happened within our relationship. I look at Christian again, I am so proud of him telling his birth family all about his past. That really wasn't easy for him but in my opinion necessary for them to build on the relationship they are forming and in doing so I believe it helped him to come to the realisations he did when Elena died, and also much quicker than he would've done otherwise. I'm still stunned by the fact he now realises and voiced the fact that none of what had happened to him as a child was his fault. I never in a million years expected those words to ever come out of his mouth. I briefly wonder how his joint sessions with Grace went, he has had a couple in the past week, but he hasn't mentioned either of them to me. My thoughts and memory go back to that day a week earlier, the day after Elena's death and the joint session I'd had with Christian and Caroline…

"Don't forget you are joining me for my therapy session today?" Christian says looking at me through the mirror I am standing in front of and I nod.

"I remember, I have a reminder in my phone and Hannah is aware I'm unavailable" I say as I brush my hair. "Although, I can't think why I am needed or why Caroline specifically wants to talk to me" I add.

Christian comes up behind me and wrapping his arms around me he nuzzles my neck.

"It is because, you have been my emotional rock since the day I met you and inevitably that has taken a toll on you, whether you consciously realise it or not, and I think Caroline just wants to check in with you to see where your head is after everything that happened… especially after what you confessed yesterday with regard to mom".

I pause at that, I'm still wracked with guilt at how spiteful I was, that really isn't like me but it was like something just snapped inside me. I've made no secret of the fact I hold resentment towards Grace for her failings but I've tried so hard to rise above it and to see past them due to Christian's reluctance to hold her accountable, along with the fact that she is trying hard to rectify those past failings but when he came out yesterday and called her out, I felt more than a bit vindicated for my standing grudge on his behalf. Seeing Christian so twisted up about how he was feeling over Elena just magnified that resentment I held so much that I lashed out towards her… not acceptable I know, but seeing him so messed up and hurting so much made me want Grace to hurt as well. It is all more than a bit of a mess and totally confusing to me. I realise I haven't said anything or made any comment as Christian squeezes me tighter.

"I can't wait until next week" he mutters, changing the subject to try and break the silence that had spread out between us.

Turning towards him, I smile and reaching up I cup his face in my hands and kiss him; he has arranged for us to go to Japan for our wedding anniversary. I am really excited about it, and so is Christian, every time he mentions it his eyes light up. He has said that he has only ever been there on business so has never had chance to really look around. We will be staying in Tokyo in one of Gideon's hotels, but from what he has said, I think we will be travelling around seeing other parts of the country.

"How did your therapy session go last night… you didn't say much when you got back?" I ask warily.

He looks at me and gives me his beautiful shy smile. In that moment I see the contentment on his face… and hopefulness in his eyes.

"It went well… Really well, I'm finally getting my shit together and making massive progress in understanding and coming to terms with everything".

I respond by wrapping my arms around him and I squeeze him gently. "I am so proud of you" I say, my voice hoarse with the emotion and joy at hearing that and I feel him squeeze me once more in return.

oooOOOooo

Later that day…

"Ok, so I'm unavailable now for the rest of the day Hannah, after this appointment I will be going home, if anything urgent crops up just message me and I'll get back to it as soon as I can" I say and Hannah nods and taps on her screen.

"That's fine Ana, to be fair I don't think anything drastic will crop up".

I nod and after I say my goodbyes, I walk down into the reception area accompanied by Luke.

"T just contacted me; he and Mr Grey are on their way now. He said I'm to wait with you till they arrive" he says.

I nod, I expected that, I had told Luke he could take the rest of the afternoon off but he wouldn't do anything until he had run that past Jason. I look up and see the familiar SUV pull up outside and I turn towards Luke.

"Ok then, they are here now so enjoy the rest of your afternoon" I say.

He nods and thanks me but still accompanies me outside and waits while I get into the car. I see him exchange a few words with Jason before he finally moves away. Jason gets back in the car to drive us to Caroline's office. As soon as I get in the car I reach for Christian's hand and he leans towards me to kiss me.

"Hi" he whispers simply.

"Hi" I reply and I touch his face as he kisses me again.

After the usual questions of how was my day and I ask him about his, we ride together in companionable silence. I am nervous about this; Caroline is good and part of me is still wondering why she seems so keen to speak with me.

When we arrive, she greets Christian warmly and smiles kindly at me.

"Don't look so worried Ana" she says as she shows us into her comfortable office. I look around, it is modern and yet homely. Christian leads me over to a large comfortable looking sofa and sits down pulling me down beside him. He wraps his arm around me and pulls me into his side silently offering me his support and comfort. As Caroline sits down in a chair in front of us, I automatically look down at my fingers as she starts to speak.

"Welcome Ana, now I'm sure that I don't have to tell you that everything said in this room is completely confidential, but legally I have to say it. I wanted to invite you here today to get your take on everything that transpired yesterday. Christian has shared with me how he felt when he got the news regarding Elena so I would like him to hear how you felt when you got that news, is that ok with you?"

I nod, I can see how that would be helpful to give Christian an insight to my feelings regarding that vile woman and my morbid delight at her dying and finally freeing him from her influence. I clear my throat.

"I'm fine with that" I say quietly.

"That's great, right then who wants to start?" Caroline asks, this throws me slightly as I was expecting her to ask me a question. I glance at Christian who smiles encouragingly.

"Why don't you go first baby?" he urges.

I take a deep breath and nod my head. "Ok, I… as you know I was with Mia and Meg when you called me. As soon as I heard your voice, I knew something was terribly wrong… I knew you were spiralling and that you needed me. When you told me Elena had died, I knew I had to come to you and when you asked me to meet you for lunch, I knew I had to come to you before that… I was so worried about you". I pause and glance at Christian who is listening focussing all his attention on me, then I look at Caroline who is busy making notes.

"When Christian told you Elena was dead what were your first thoughts and feelings with regard to that when you heard that news?" Caroline asks.

I smile bitterly, as I realise what she is getting at, "Does it make me a bad person to say – complete joy!?" I say sarcastically. I pause to take a deep breath, "I was shocked obviously as I wasn't expecting to hear that but the main emotions that went through me were relief and happiness that… that woman was finally gone completely and then a really spiteful part of me hoped it was a slow and painful death". I pause again, I don't know how she died and haven't asked Christian but I'm sure he will know but it is enough for me just to know she is dead and gone.

"Are you aware of how she died?" Caroline asks, echoing the thoughts I am having and I shake my head.

"No, Christian didn't say and I didn't ask… because it is enough for me that she is dead" I reply bluntly.

Caroline glances at Christian, "Do you know Christian?" She asks, I look up at Christian and he nods once.

"I asked Welch to find out for me… it was cancer, she had bowel cancer and it went undiagnosed so when it finally was discovered it was too late for her" he says.

"So, I got my wish, it was a painful death" I say soberly but with also a sense of satisfaction. I wouldn't wish that sort of end on anyone… except her. My heartless realisation actually shocks me.

Christian squeezes me again.

"Why do you say that you got your wish Ana?" Caroline asks.

I stare at her incredulously, "Because she was a monster, this isn't difficult - she took a fucked-up child and exposed him to a lifestyle which just fucked him up even more, and the ramifications of that he is still dealing with to this day and trying to undo. She should never have done what she did. She manipulated him for her sick twisted pleasure and she made him believe she was helping him when she was abusing him and harming him. In short, I wouldn't wish that kind of painful suffering death on anyone… except her, because she deserves everything she gets for what she put Christian through, not to mention the many other children who she abused". I stop as I see Christian staring at me his eyes wide in surprise at my vehemence.

I look defiantly at him and defend my words, "She hurt you Christian, she purposely hurt you for her own sick pleasure and you weren't the only one, you heard the testimonies of the other men who spoke out at her trial, you heard what sick things she did to them when they were vulnerable children and some of them were younger than you were when she got her hands on them… and that final boy who exposed her for what she was, what she did to him it was just like what she did to you. You had been hurt enough already and she took you right back to your early life with that other sick fucker who abused you and made your issues even more ingrained with her abuse. I will never ever forgive her for that and all I hope is that there is a special place in hell for her and I am glad that her road there was a painful one filled with suffering as it is no more than she deserved".

Caroline smiles at me, "And does that vehement hatred spill over to Grace for her part in Elena's abuse?" she asks mildly.

I freeze as I realise what she has done, I look at Christian again and he is still watching me carefully.

I think about that, and slowly shake my head, "No, I don't hate Grace… I can't hate her as she did save him, she helped him and cared for him when he was brought into the hospital that night his mom died. She went the extra mile and took him in and gave him a safe home and love. Grace isn't a monster; she is a flawed human – as we all are. She didn't do enough for him and she really could've done more – and I think what eats at me the most about her mistakes is the fact she was in a better position than most people to do something, with her medical training and so I do resent that fact she didn't do more to help him. I can't shake the obvious link and the fact that if she had, Elena wouldn't have got her hands on him… that is why I wanted her to hurt, that is why I was spiteful and called her about Elena, because I wanted her to hurt… how Christian was hurting at that moment".

"So, you regret your actions, calling Grace?" Caroline asks.

I hesitate, do I? Do I really? I take a deep breath in before I answer. "That's hard to define, it's complicated, I regret that the decision was made through spite. I regret that I took pleasure in wanting Grace to hurt, but do I regret calling her and telling her… no I don't, because she needed to know".

Caroline smiles, "That is why I wanted you to come and see me, as we need to unravel these complicated and seemingly paradoxical contradictory feelings you have as if the family is going to fully heal it needs to be explored and resolved… would you agree with that?" she asks.

I think about it and slowly nod, "The fact is though, I called her because I wanted her to hurt and that was wrong – what does that make me? Nothing but a spiteful little witch".

Caroline smiles patiently, "Christian didn't think so, he defended your actions when you apologised to Grace. You have said yourself that this is complicated, so to simply ignore the fine intricacies of the situation and not to be able to see the reasons why you feel that way and simply denigrate yourself for the final part would be incredibly short-sighted and narrow-minded… and you Ana, are not a short-sighted or a narrow-minded person. What you have said so far tells me you see things with more insight than the average person. Let's look at it a different way, as the situation Christian found himself in draws parallels with yours. He found himself grieving the loss of a woman who had helped him". I immediately realise she is referring to Elena and I feel Christian stiffen beside me.

"She did not help me, we discussed this at length yesterday… I was confused by my… feelings because when I was a teenager what she offered me at that point in time appeared to me in my immature mind to ease the issues I had, because I'd not received any meaningful therapy or help in my life to overcome what had happened to me. I didn't see it for the abuse it was – that is like saying I am praising Elena for what she did. I cannot and will never praise a paedophile and that is what she was. I was NOT grieving for her" Christian blurts out angrily.

Caroline nods and looks towards me again, waiting for my response and it quickly materialises as I can see immediately what Caroline is saying. I look at Christian and reach for his hand. "Christian calm down. She isn't saying you were praising her – she's not that stupid, nobody could ever think that was the case and if they did that sort of stupidity wouldn't deserve to be dignified with any response. She is simply saying that it was a highly complex and messed up situation that you found yourself in and due to the abuse you had suffered as a toddler, and through not receiving any proper help throughout your childhood - in your head you felt you deserved to be hit and so the way Elena treated you worked for you at that time because it fed on all the wrong assumptions you already had about yourself. Then because you were also going through puberty, the other aspects of the abuse were in your mind... nice, for want of a better word. However, you basically were just that frightened four-year-old again. When the pimp came you learnt to hide, you learnt to keep out of his way because he would abuse you. Elena took you and did exactly the same thing, but then at that point in your life you saw it as help as it focussed your mind, you said yourself your life came into focus and made sense for the first time and it helped you to stop brawling and drinking and superficially you turned it all around because…" I stop, and stare at Caroline, realisation dawning on me - oh she is good!

She watches me, as I put it all together in my head what she is saying and doing. She bated Christian to get me to leap to his defence and help him see the complex situation he was in and in doing so see why I behaved the way I did towards Grace.

"It isn't black and white Christian and to try and make sense of it all you have to see all the shades of grey in between. That is why I'm struggling with my actions, as I am also trying to boil it all down to black and white, but it can't be done. What was right and what was wrong, but I also need to see the bigger picture. I did what I did because ultimately, I was angry at Grace for how you were feeling yesterday when Elena died and how confused you were about how you should be feeling towards her… I wanted her to hurt because, at that moment when I made that call all I could see was the fact her inaction with you growing up and not getting you the help you needed gave you to Elena to be abused even more, and had she done something for you Elena wouldn't have got her hands on you, and therefore you wouldn't have been in the situation you were in yesterday. That made me angry, but on the other hand I then felt guilt for my actions and wanted Grace to know why I had done it and I apologised for it because Grace has acknowledged and accepted she was wrong and is working hard to rectify her past mistakes".

"Why did it make you angry Ana?" Caroline asks carefully.

I grip Christian's hand even tighter, "Because he is my world, and because I love him and therefore because I love him so much I can't bear to see him hurting. He constantly tries to move heaven and earth to try and make me happy, and I saw how much Elena's death messed with his head and in my mind, as I have said I equated that hurt to Grace. The way I saw it was, he wouldn't be feeling how he was feeling if she had just pulled her finger out when he was a child and got him the help he needed then, because if she had Elena would never have got her hands on him which brings us right back to where this conversation began with Grace being a flawed human being".

I feel a sense of building frustration at that realisation, that this isn't going to be easily resolved as it isn't black and white and it isn't as simple as one person being right and another being wrong.

Caroline makes some more notes, "Christian, I'd like to turn towards you now and what we discussed last night in our session as I think that is relevant here right now. I would like you to talk about what you said to Ana when she admitted her feelings towards Grace and apologised for them – how you defended her and condoned her actions, which I have already mentioned briefly".

I think about what Caroline said in response to my spiteful witch comment and I pause as my mind flies back to the previous day, and I remember Christian defending me and telling me I'd done nothing wrong; I turn towards my husband and wait.

I watch him take a deep breath, "I came to a number of powerful realisations yesterday. The main one being that everything that happened to me throughout my life was down to the decisions of others – as I said I wasn't to blame, it wasn't my fault and last night with Caroline as we discussed it in further depth it also helped me make further realisations about me and the way I am. I now see why I have to have complete control in my life. I was denied that control and was at the mercy of others who all failed me one way or another throughout my childhood. I have forgiven my birth mom for her decisions; she was so young and she was taken advantage of by a predator when she was in a bad place. She was as you have pointed out a flawed human being. Her flaws were due to the fact she was grieving the death of my father but made the bad decision not to return to Ohio to be with her family, a decision I believe was because she felt closer to my father with him being buried in Detroit, and a decision I cannot and will not vilify her for. I'm still working on Elena and while I now see her as the monster that she truly was my feelings are still quite complex where she is concerned, despite the fact I helped to put her away for her crimes all those years ago. But you baby, you are the only person I have ever had in my entire life whose decisions and actions have always been with me in mind. You always try and do what is best for me which is why I immediately leapt to your defence and told you that you had nothing to apologise for… because I think a part of me at that point in time yesterday had come to the realisation about mom, and I too wanted mom to see how her mistakes and inaction have affected me all my fucking life, and a part of me agreed with you and with what you had done. That said, I have also forgiven her for them because as I said yesterday, her mistakes ultimately came from a place of love and the fact she didn't have to adopt me – but like you I'm still struggling with the complexity of it all. All of the shades of grey in between the black and white, the rights and wrongs of the situation and that is why I'm going to have some joint sessions with mom to try and make sense of it and lay it to rest once and for all – like she has done with El and I think… I think you and mom should have a session together as well". He looks at me hopefully and I nod, as I don't want any lingering resentment between Grace and I.

"It's like peeling an onion" I say when Christian has stopped speaking. "You have the outer part the obvious bit but the more you take off the more you uncover".

Caroline smiles at me, "That is a very good analogy Ana, I would say it is exactly like that"…

I come back to the here and now as I hear a moan coming from the bed, I look down and see Christian is waking up.

"Hi" I mutter and lean down and press a kiss to his lips.

"Mmm" he moans as he responds to my kiss and slides his hand around the back of my neck.

As he pulls away he gazes at me, "Sorry about that baby, how long have I been asleep?" he asks.

I lie down next to him and snuggle into his side and his arm immediately wraps around me as I rest my head on his chest.

"Not long, only about 15 minutes or so, and I spent the time very wisely" I say with a grin.

"Oh?" he asks with obvious curiosity.

I nod, "Yep I sat here and just watched you sleep" I say.

I hear a small chuckle, "Well, considering I do the exact same thing when you sleep, I can't really comment" he says.