CHAPTER 111

(CHRISTIAN)

I can't believe I crashed quite so spectacularly after christening our bed in our new Hawaii home. This place has exceeded my expectations by a mile. I gaze up at Ana who is staring down at me with nothing but complete love in her eyes. I feel a sense of belonging and safety as I look into her eyes, I am such a lucky son of a bitch to have this woman and I am so thankful she came with Kate Kavanagh to my office that day of the train wreck interview as she would never have come on to my radar otherwise. I think of everything else Kate Kavanagh has done, but that is one thing she did right, even if it was for all the wrong reasons. She only dragged Ana along to be her lacky that day, but it brought this wonderful woman into my life and into my heart.

"What would you like to do now, baby?" I ask as I reluctantly lift myself up off of this ridiculously comfortable bed.

Ana looks around the room, and I can almost see her restless excitement so what she says is no surprise when she replies.

"Can we explore the island?" she asks hopefully and I nod as I would like to take a good look around, Mal had assured me that it wouldn't be as I remembered it when I visited all those years ago, and I would also like to take a look in person at all the new security measures Welch and Barney put in place as I have only seen them via video link.

I send a quick text to Taylor to inform him we are going to explore the island and he responds acknowledging that.

oooOOOooo

"Wow this is amazing" Ana says, her eyes wide and shining as we reach the beautiful beach stretching out in front of us.

I smile at her, that is practically all she has said along with several variations on that sentiment as we have made our way around the island. I have to say though I am with her, it is amazing. The waterfall was my favourite feature on the island, in the small cultivated yet natural wooded area. Mal certainly did a good job with this island, when I first visited all those years ago he hadn't long bought it so the work that has clearly gone into it hadn't begun.

"Who did you buy this from?" Ana asks suddenly and I look at her in surprise.

"A fellow billionaire businessman, his name is Malachy – but everyone calls him Mal. He was kind to me when I started making a name for myself and helped me climb the ladder. He opened doors for me and introduced me to people. He is a good man". I say.

"And he just sold you his island?" Ana asks incredulously.

I nod, I am not about to divulge the entire truth as I promised Malachy I wouldn't broadcast his current financial difficulties. "I've known him a long time, when he heard I was looking for a place for us he approached me, as he was coincidently looking to sell" I say simply with a shrug.

Ana accepts my explanation with a nod, "I can't think of why he would want to sell as this place is beautiful" she says as she gazes around her, and then she smiles up at me, "But I'm so glad he did" she adds.

We continue our exploration of the island and I take in all the security measures which have been put in place.

"So where are Gail and Jason staying?" Ana asks.

I point to the tiny harbour and the small cottage located right near it just near the tree line. "Over there" I say.

Ana follows where I am pointing and gasps, "Oh that is so pretty, and it is right on the opposite side of the island to where we are, so we are essentially alone, aren't we?" she says.

I nod, "We are" I confirm.

When we eventually get back to the villa Ana disappears into the kitchen to organise some drinks and something to eat. I sit down on the sofa with a sigh. Life is good, everything that has happened this year has been unsettling to say the very least. Ana discovering Eva and the familial links there and finding out that her biological father was still alive was a massive thing for her and while I just tried my hardest to be supportive it certainly unsettled me. Then everything else that evolved from that initial discovery and how it has affected me personally. I sit and go through the past few months in my mind. The day Ana told me about the email she had received from Finding Family, which led to the revelations that Ana had a sister and a sister who was married to a man who I thought was a complete asshole. I smile as I think about Gideon and how close we have now become as a result of our wives being siblings. All the crap that came out about him and his fucked-up childhood and how I didn't hesitate to help him. Then the added revelations surrounding my own childhood and discovering my birth family. Then of course there was the added revelation that my own brother turned out to be biologically related to my wife which leads me on to everything that has happened with him and the breakdown of his marriage to Kate along with his new relationship with Megumi. I pause as I realise how well I have dealt with all these life changing revelations and I realise that changing my therapist was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Caroline has worked miracles in the relatively short time I have been seeing her. She has helped me navigate the uncharted waters I found myself in as my whole life as I knew it unravelled and became something else entirely.

She is also still helping El and mom. I pause as I think about my mom, a sharp pang of something like resentment mixed with regret goes through me, which I quickly dismiss. Now that I have accepted the fact mom didn't do enough and made mistakes it is warring with the fact, she took me in when she really didn't have to and gave me a home. I was a frightened broken child, not an attractive candidate for adoption but she took me on. She has admitted that she was out of her depth, just as dad previously did and I accept that. I have told her that I have forgiven her for her failings and we had quite a productive couple of sessions with Caroline. What concerns me most now though is the fact mom appears to be holding on to the resentment towards Ana. I haven't said anything to Ana as I'm still working out what I need to do. Ana is scheduled to have her own therapy session with Caroline and mom when we get back. I believe as far as Ana is concerned; the matter is closed. She has indeed let go of the resentment she held towards mom, when I accepted that I wasn't to blame. She apologised to mom for what she did. I honestly don't blame Ana for that day though. She saw I was in a tailspin about Elena and it reignited all the resentment she was holding but trying so hard to bury. Like mom she made a mistake, and like mom she did it because she was thinking of me. I think that is what is causing this lingering resentment as I won't have mom blaming Ana when she made exactly the same mistakes. I have forgiven mom for her mistakes so in my mind she should certainly forgive Ana.

My mind wanders to the therapy session I had with mom after the revelations of Elena's death, before we came on our vacation…

"Hello Christian please come in. Grace is already here" Caroline says as I walk into her small office.

"Thank you, I apologise for the delay I got held up in a meeting and then the traffic was pretty horrendous getting across the city" I explain.

Caroline smiles, "No problem, I got your message and I've been having a chat with Grace while we waited for you to arrive".

I nod and before I sit down in my usual place I smile at mom who is sitting nearby and I lean down and press a small kiss to her cheek.

"Hi mom" I say.

She grasps my arm and squeezes it, "Hello Christian darling" she says.

I sit down and take a deep breath and wait.

"So, we are here today to talk about how the massive breakthrough you had has affected Grace and how you are both feeling now that you have had time to sleep on it. I've already seen you and Ana which I think was very positive and I believe that Ana is scheduled for another session here with you Grace? After your forthcoming vacation?" she says looking questioningly between mom and myself.

I nod, "Yes she is" I confirm.

I glance at mom who shuffles and purses her lips, but says nothing. Oh ok, what's that about? I see Caroline looking at mom and realise she noticed that reaction as well.

"So, do you want to begin Grace? Do you want to tell us how these latest revelations have affected you?" Caroline coaxes.

Mom nods and looks up at me. "Hearing you say that I made mistakes was hard… I know logically that I did. I know that I should've done more, I know that I was wrong in my decisions not to help you overcome your haphephobia and since I became aware of how it led you to becoming abused again it has compounded my guilt… but you never blamed me, until now. Hearing you say that none of what happened to you was your fault was gratifying but at the same time it hurt as I knew that you were now placing the blame where it belonged. I don't believe you would've come to that decision had Ana not put the idea into your head and made you think that way…."

"Stop!" I say interrupting her.

Mom swallows what she was going to say next at my sharp tone. "Do not blame Ana. You have said yourself that she is the best thing that ever happened to me. Elliot said as much as well at the family meeting, so I won't have you blaming Ana. Ana hasn't put anything into my head, nothing that wasn't there already, but I was too afraid to say for fear of losing my family. I was too grateful to you for adopting me. You saved me mom, you saved me by giving a damn and taking me in and adopting me. That fact has never been in any dispute. However, because I was too grateful to you and didn't believe I was worthy to even be part of your family growing up I didn't see the mistakes you made, but admittedly made out of love. I see things so differently and so clearly now, and that is due to many, many factors. It is in part due to getting myself a decent therapist who makes me think about things differently and is giving me the first real assistance I have ever had in my life".

"But John…" mom argues.

I hold up my hand once more and mom stops speaking, "John Flynn was nothing but an expensive charlatan. I'm sorry mom I know he was your friend, but he just saw me as his meal ticket. He saw my wealth and kept me dangling on a string whilst not doing a damn thing for me. I didn't even know how I was, had an official name until I saw Caroline. I had no idea about how everything I had been through and how it had affected me and how I was now behaving as a result of it was a known mental health disorder. John wanted me to focus on where I wanted to be rather than facing, dealing with and overcoming the issues of my past. There would never be a positive outcome if I had continued on that path as there is no way I can be where I want to be if I don't deal with the ghosts and demons from my past".

"I see" mom says quietly.

I nod, "So, that was a huge contributing factor and yes admittedly it was partly due to Ana's influence on me as she has been telling me ever since she met me that I need to come to terms with my past and move on from it. I am only listening now, since she came to you and spoke to dad. That was massive what she did, she helped repair the relationship I had with dad and made us both see where we had gone wrong. Ana has been nothing but supportive of me and she has stood by my side and been my rock since the day I met her so I will not have you blaming her for anything".

"She called me and told about Elena out of spite. Not for any other reason" mom blurts out.

I nod, "And she admitted that was a mistake and she asked for your forgiveness. She did it out of love for me as she saw how I was struggling with the news of Elena's death. She admitted she made a mistake and she apologised to you for it – just as you admitted you made mistakes and asked for my forgiveness, which I willingly gave you".

Mom's eyes widen at my words, "But you sat there and told her she had done nothing wrong, that hurt Christian that really hurt. You completely condoned her actions and told her she had nothing to apologise for" mom exclaims.

I sigh, "Because at that moment in time I didn't believe she had made a mistake… just as for years I didn't believe you had made any mistakes either" I say.

Mom gasps and leaning back she clutches at her throat. I stare at her, "What is the problem here mom? Is it really Ana or is it because I am seeing things clearly for the first time in my life and I am seeing what is real and what is right?"

"Ok, lets bring this down a little shall we" Caroline says soothingly.

"Hearing this it appears that you – Christian, have now accepted everyone has made failings towards you in your life and you have forgiven them for their mistakes would that be an accurate assessment?"

I tip my head from side to side and hesitate a moment before I answer, "Yes, to a point. Not everyone though – Ana hasn't failed me she has never failed me - ever".

Caroline nods accepting that, "I'll rephrase, you have accepted that people made mistakes in your past which you have forgiven them for and that out of love for you Ana made a mistake in her actions towards Grace, would that be an accurate assessment?"

I nod happy with that amendment. Caroline turns to Grace, "Grace it appears that while you accept your failings and that you hold on to a great deal of guilt regarding them… Now that Christian also accepts you have made mistakes and has for want of a better terminology 'called you out on it', that upsets you more. You are also understandably very upset by the fact that Ana reacted to Christian's pain and confusion regarding Elena's death and in her own way called you out on your part in how he was feeling at that moment and as she put it wanted you to feel how he felt. Is that accurate?"

Mom hesitates a moment and then nods but doesn't say anything.

"So, my question is have you forgiven Ana for her actions. She apologised to you, and admitted her actions were wrong and were a mistake so do you accept her apology and forgive her?" Caroline asks and I lean forward waiting for mom's response.

There is a long silence and after a shot look at me mom nods once more but again doesn't say anything, after another brief pause Caroline speaks again.

"Alright, I would like to explore your feelings towards Christian as well. While Christian refused to acknowledge your mistakes and defended your actions – just as he did with Ana when he told her she had done nothing wrong and that she had nothing to apologise for, how did that make you feel? Bearing in mind you have now admitted that it hurt when he acknowledged that you had indeed made mistakes?"

Mom shuffles slightly and there is a long silence, "I'm afraid" mom says eventually.

My eyebrows rise in surprise as I wasn't expecting that. I don't say anything and wait for her to continue.

"I'm feeling incredibly confused right now. I have always felt a massive degree of guilt due to my mistakes which formed after it all came out about Elena when Christian helped to get her convicted. I know that had I done more for him he would never have fallen into her hands and that is something which I will always have to live with. I also feel shame and guilt for the fact I ignored all the signs when his behaviour so dramatically altered and he turned his life around when he was a teenager. I was trained to see the signs of abuse and I ignored them choosing only to see that my son had turned his life around and got back on track. However, when I voiced these feelings to Christian when my fear at losing him again became real when he discovered his birth family he reassured me and told me I had done nothing wrong. That helped and I came to terms with it once more… now though Christian has changed his stance and called me out on my failings while standing stoically beside Ana and I'm afraid… I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my son again. I'm afraid to say what I really think for fear that he is going to turn against me as I know no matter what she does he will take Ana's side".

I stare at her in shock, "Mom I want to hear what you really think it is the only way we can fully heal" I say before Caroline can say anything.

Mom nods, "When your father behaved badly… when Elliot and Kate split up and Ana first discovered Eva was her sister… and you discovered your birth family. I felt how I feel now. That your fathers' actions were going to push you away and I'd lose you again when I'd only just got you back".

I stare at her and interrupt before she can say anything else, "But Ana helped, she helped tremendously with that episode. She got dad and I talking and we cleared the air and laid to rest years of resentment and helped us to understand each other. Dad and I are closer than we have ever been since then" I say. I am not understanding what she is trying to say here.

Mom nods, "I know and I am so grateful to her for that… but then everything else happened it all snowballed and further revelations came out. Elliot being biologically related to Ana, his marriage to Kate falling apart and how he so quickly moved on with Megumi and my appalling behaviour regarding her which I am still working on with them – it all came down to fear of losing my children. I have no biological claim to any of you so you could all just walk away especially as you all know now where you came from. Elliot finding Sadie compounded that and while I am working through my fears with him I know I failed him as well. The family meeting we had… I didn't want it because I knew deep down that I was to blame for everything that was going wrong and I didn't want to voice my feelings for fear of losing my children completely. I know that all this has been said before but I think it is relevant to how I feel right now with this latest situation but I am working out all this with Caroline's help".

"But what has all this got to do with Ana? She has done nothing wrong?" I ask.

"She comes first with you" mom says.

I stare at her, "She's my wife, of course she comes first!" I exclaim.

Mom shakes her head, "You are completely besotted with her, some would say obsessed with her. I know for a fact that should I upset Ana or do anything which offends her and she tells you, you won't think twice about cutting me off and that scares me. I'm scared Christian. I am also angry at what she did. She acknowledged it was spiteful and I fully agree it was… and uncalled for, she shouldn't have done it".

I lean back in my seat thinking about everything that has just been said.

"Wait, are you jealous of my love for Ana?" I ask incredulously.

"No, I'm happy for you and so pleased she came into your life. Do not ever think any differently, she has helped you that is in no doubt… but… this is why I feel confused and conflicted as I know she has saved you, I know that she loves you and is the best thing that ever happened to you… but I also fear that she wields a terrifying amount of influence over you. Influence that should she decide to be spiteful again could see me losing you completely".

I stand up shaking my head, I am angry now.

"If you think that then you do not know Ana at all, she isn't like that. She isn't Kate fucking Kavanagh. She only did what she did because she saw me hurting and she loves me so much that when I hurt, she hurts. That coupled with the resentment she still held towards you for your mistakes but which she had tried to bury because I wasn't ready to acknowledge them made her have a lapse in her judgement as she wanted you to hurt as well. She wanted you to feel how I was feeling and she wanted you to feel the pain she was feeling on my behalf. She has acknowledged that was wrong and a mistake and she apologised and for the record no – I don't think she had anything to apologise for as at that moment in time she was hurting and she didn't really mean what she did… I heard her talking to Eva, she was guilt ridden for what she had done, she knew immediately she had overstepped the line, but I don't think she had at that point in time… because… because that day a part of me also wanted you to feel how I felt as I finally came to the realisations I had about myself, my past and everything that has happened".

Mom gasps again as she hears that.

"But, and this is really important – I forgave you mom. I got over it, I acknowledged that what mistakes you made came from a place of love for me and I have forgiven you and dismissed it. It is gone. What Ana did came from a place of love for me, she was hurting because I was hurting and she made a mistake a mistake which she has apologised for… the question is do you really forgive her or are you just saying you are?"

Mom shakes her head "I have no other choice I have to forgive her, when you put it like that. As I said on the day, it would be churlish of me not to when I wanted your forgiveness for my own mistakes"…

"Here you go Christian".

I am pulled from my memories by Ana grinning at me as she holds out a plate filled with a sub roll and some cheese and fruit.

I take it from her, "Thank you baby" I say.

Ana sits down beside me and we eat in companionable silence.