AUTHORS NOTE: This is it, this is the therapy session with Grace and Ana. I am hoping it lives up to all the expectations which I appear to have built. I have tried subtly to explain both Grace's and Ana's reasoning for their behaviour in previous chapters but in these next two chapters I lay it all out, firstly in their own thought process and then as they discuss those thoughts in the therapy session. I would just like to say that it hasn't been my intention to make anyone seem like a bad person, (which is the impression I have received from some of the 'reviews' I had – many of which were so rude and offensive they didn't see the light of day!) I am not going to dignify most of the comments I got for the previous chapters with any response, but I will just say that if I am such a 'terrible writer' and this is such a 'stupid story' then please feel free to stop reading it as I stopped reading your abuse a long time ago - I just moderate guest reviews, that is skim and delete the abusive ones now as they really don't deserve to be dignified with a response!

CHAPTER 116

Two days later…

I have no idea what I am going to say when I have my therapy session with Grace and if I say the wrong thing it will only make things worse. I have been going over the events of this past few months and how things have totally got out of hand now. How everything changed when I found Eva, which led on to discovering Frank was still alive and that El was biologically related to me. How everything has changed as a result, leading up to the situation I am in right now, heading towards a therapy session with Grace, someone who I hurt, but really didn't mean to. I have no idea what made me be so spiteful that day… I saw Christian hurting and I just lashed out at the person who in that moment I saw as being responsible for his pain, something which I regretted doing pretty quickly.

I am thinking about everything and as I do so I go right back to when my relationship with Christian began. He was so obviously badly damaged by his past. How he was, in his own words fifty shades of fucked up. As it all came out, during the time I've known him, it made me so protective of him and along with the fact he is so easy to love just made me want to fight his corner and help him overcome his past even more. I could see who – in my opinion had caused the damage, and who has failed him throughout his life and I was determined not to add myself to that list. The pimp who Ella was dependent on is the main culprit of course. His selfish actions trying to maintain a hold on Ella and using Christian as leverage in that. The abuse he suffered at that monsters' hands was pivotal and the physical and psychological damage that man inflicted on an innocent toddler has reverberated throughout Christian's life, there is no question about that fact. It left Christian with monumental trauma and mental health issues, and after Christian was finally diagnosed by Caroline and given a name for the issues he deals with, I did my own research on it. That had upset me greatly as it was clear to me that he was displaying symptoms of it from an early age and nobody picked up on it and helped him and I also realised that is where the majority of Christian's later issues originated. I think briefly of John Flynn, if only he had offered Christian some real help, the kind he is finally getting now, rather than behaving like a friend than a medical professional engaged to help but instead he simply chose to use Christian as his meal ticket, so he is also firmly on the list of people who have failed my husband.

Those issues which Christian had were compounded unknowingly by Grace and Carrick throughout Christian's childhood but while I maintain they failed him, they are certainly not in the same category as the pimp and never have been. He was pure evil, Grace and Carrick have always tried to do their best for him but made mistakes as all parents do. I pause, as I think about that… have I been too harsh on them? Possibly, but I just can't get past the fact Grace – like John Flynn was a medical professional so she knew what to do to help Christian, but just didn't do it. She has admitted as much, she knew how to help him overcome his haphephobia but she just didn't do it. Carrick compounded Christian's feelings of worthlessness by his actions but again they were done out of love for him and not maliciously. I think about Carrick and I realise that I found it easier to overlook… no not overlook, forgive Carrick's failings as he didn't have the medical background Grace had, and didn't have the training to spot the red flags. He didn't even realise his actions had the effect that they did on Christian until it was pointed out to him and he immediately moved to rectify it. Whereas Grace knew she should've done more for him, but she still didn't. Those mistakes Grace made had further ramifications on Christian's life as he failed to get any meaningful help which made him turn into an angry young man when he hit his teens and ultimately pushed him into the hands of another abuser and again Grace failed to spot the red flags and signs. Plus, that abuser was one of Grace's closest friends which compounded the guilt she felt further. It is all so complex and I know Grace is riddled with guilt over everything… everything she didn't do.

I think about Elena, Christian was totally influenced by her and refused to see her as anything other than someone who helped him for a long time, until it came out that she was abusing young boys and he started to believe that she was an abuser not a saviour and as soon as he did reconcile himself to that fact he helped to put her away. Oh god I have no idea what to think. I rub my eyes and run my hands through my hair as I try and make sense of it all. I really have no point of reference, as my own mother was a complete disaster. A fundamental reason why I am reluctant to have children. Yes, I am ambitious and yes I like that it is just Christian and I. Would I like children in the future… I think so, but I am no way ready for that sort of responsibility right now and there is that fear in the back of my mind that what if I turn out to be like my own mother? Then I think of Ray, he was mom and dad to me growing up and I pause almost wanting to kick myself. Here I am turning myself inside out wondering if I have done the wrong thing, wondering if I have been too hard on Grace wondering when all I had to do was ask my daddy for some advice.

I hesitate, I will have to be careful what I say as this is Christian's life and dad isn't aware of a lot of it. I stop. No, it really wouldn't be a good idea to call dad. I go back to turning everything around and around in my head, overthinking things until I feel as though I'm going mad. Ok take it from the top, do I hate Grace? No, of course I don't, she loves Christian. She adopted him and took him in and loved him… but she made mistakes. Yes, she made mistakes but we all make mistakes so why am I finding it so hard to forgive the mistakes she made? I am finding it hard because she knew better, she wasn't just an ordinary parent fumbling and finding their way blindly through the mire of parenthood, she took Christian on knowing he was special needs, knowing he was damaged and she had the medical knowledge and training to help him… but she didn't do it. That is why I am finding it so hard to move past it as while Carrick was in some way ignorant that his actions had a detrimental effect on Christian, he really thought he was doing the right thing at the time. Grace didn't even attempt to help him, too afraid to capitalise on the small amounts of progress he did make for fear of rocking the boat, so I see her mistakes as a form of negligence… is that too harsh an assessment? Yes… maybe… actually no, because those mistakes caused him to go completely off the rails in his teenage years and to then be abused again. Grace knows all this, and that is what is causing her guilt. I pause, is that why she now has a problem with me? She knows she messed up and made mistakes, she feels tremendous guilt because she did and because I have pointed out to Christian that she messed up and because he has also finally acknowledged it that has now pretty much destroyed her. He always refused to acknowledge her mistakes and guilt… until now, and as far as Grace is concerned, I am the person who brought that about. She is also rightfully pissed because I told her about Elena out of spite, something I am really not proud of doing.

Why did I do that? It is true that I wasn't thinking clearly at that moment, I really wasn't, that isn't just an excuse for my actions as there is really no excuse for what I did. I was seeing my husband in a tailspin about Elena and I couldn't meaningfully help him, because of my prejudice against that god awful woman. His feelings towards her were so complex whereas to me she was a monster and a paedophile end of story. That is why I made it clear I wouldn't go into his therapy session with him as I knew that he wouldn't be honest about his feelings because he also knew how I felt about Elena. I tried to help him though. I did what I always try and do when he gets himself in a state about something and I tried to help him but, in that instance, I had no idea what to do or say to help him without saying something which made things worse. I felt helpless and I could see him hurting and that hurt me. Hang on… I had no idea what to do, so I called his mother. Admittedly, it was in a 'he is a mess over this and it's your fault he feels like this' kind of way but fundamentally I realise I was reaching out to her to help him because I couldn't, but my own issues regarding Grace's own mistakes which I had tried to bury reared their heads and influenced my decision and thought process. This is fucking deep, I smile as I think that, as I recall Eva once saying something similar.

"Ana".

I am pulled from my maelstrom of thinking by the familiar voice.

I look up and Luke is smiling kindly at me.

"We are here" he says and I realise the car I have been travelling in has stopped. We are now outside Caroline's office. I take a deep breath. Well shit! Time to stop thinking and time to start talking. I just hope what I say doesn't make things ten times worse.

"Thank you, Luke," I say and I bite my lip nervously as I hesitantly climb out of the car.

"I'll be right here waiting for you when you are done" Luke says kindly and I smile and thank him before taking a deep breath and heading inside.

(GRACE)

I am sitting in Caroline's office and I am not looking forward to this at all. After the way I behaved after the court hearing, I have no idea what possessed me to do that. I saw Christian's reaction when I said goodbye to Ana. I am now also wondering if what I said to Megumi during our lunch has made its way back to Elliot, I wouldn't blame her for telling Elliot as I know they tell each other everything, much like myself and Carrick and if it has then I am in no doubt he would tell Christian and Ana what I said. I am simply terrified of losing my children, that is the main problem I have, but I am under no illusions that the way I have behaved recently may cause the very thing I fear most. I was an awful person to Megumi when she came into Elliot's life something which I am now trying to rectify. I also know my behaviour towards Ana recently hasn't been exemplary because she has pointed out my failings and been instrumental in pointing them out to my children exacerbating my fears. However, I also know that Ana is right, I am to blame for what has happened to Christian, I did make mistakes and now I do think that while Christian refused to acknowledge that fact I felt… safe. Safe in the knowledge of the fact my son wouldn't turn against me and I would lose him… again. I stop as I think about that. Oh my god, I lost my son to Elena Lincoln. She had a hold over him, a hold which made him pull away from his family. My negligence caused that and when I became fully aware of what had happened with that woman, I swore to myself that I would not let it happen again. So, am I now unconsciously comparing Ana with Elena in some way? I think about my words to Christian where I said that Ana held a terrifying amount of influence over him and I see the parallels but there is no way Ana is anything like Elena. Ana is as far removed from Elena as you could possibly get. She has always had Christian's best interests at heart, she is the best thing that ever happened to him. That is when it hits me, Christian was right… I am jealous of her. I am jealous because she is doing for him what I should've done for him throughout his life, and that is put him first. Have his best interests at heart, everything she does is with him in mind. Admittedly, when she discovered the sibling link with Eva and Elliot she turned towards them briefly, and I called her out on it, why did I do that? I realise with a degree of shame it was because I had found a flaw, I had found something which was at that point in time hurting my son. The way she was behaving, towards Eva giving her and Elliot her attention made Christian feel pushed out and I felt vindicated in my comments when in reality she wasn't doing anything vindictive it was simply a new relationship with Eva and a new dynamic to the relationship she had with Elliot. It was a life changing moment for all of them and as the bond has grown things have – as was expected, calmed down and returned to normal.

I look up to see Caroline's door open and a woman comes out and thanks Caroline before leaving. Caroline looks at me and smiles kindly.

"Grace, how are you?" she says and I smile weakly.

"I'm absolutely terrified" I say honestly.

Caroline cocks her head to one side and gestures for me to come in.

I take my usual seat and watch as Caroline settles herself.

"While we wait for Ana to arrive perhaps you'd like to elaborate on that" she says.

I take a deep breath, "I've behaved so badly" I begin.

"Ok? In what way?" Caroline asks.

I pour out my behaviour at the restaurant after the court hearing and how I had treated Ana. Caroline listens making notes and then she pauses and looks at me.

"I am seeing parallels here with Ana with the way you described how you treated Megumi previously in our past sessions?" Caroline offers.

I nod, "I'm terrified of losing my children, that is what is at the crux of it all. I am not their biological mother and so when something… or someone exerts influence over them I worry, and with everything that has happened over these past few months I am just so afraid".

"Right ok, we will put Megumi and Elliot to one side, as we are already working through that situation with them separately, so we will concentrate on your relationship with Christian. Why do you think Ana would be instrumental in you losing Christian?" she asks.

"Because she has so much influence over him" I say.

"Alright, going back to our session with Christian when you said something similar, he suggested that you were jealous of Ana? Are you saying that is possibly correct?" Caroline asks.

I think about that, and slowly nod. "I believe I might be, because I can clearly see she is the best thing that has ever happened to him… everything she does is with him in mind… he is her world and she is most definitely his. I know that should I upset Ana Christian won't think twice about cutting me off and…" I stop and Caroline holds up her hand.

"Do you think Ana would let that happen?" Caroline asks and I pause as I think about that.

Would she? Christians words go through my mind how he had said I don't know Ana at all if I thought she would vindictively try and cause a rift between us. "I don't know" I say eventually.

I hesitate a moment before I continue, "I lost my son once to a woman who wielded an enormous amount of influence over him. She was considered a family friend for years and she persuaded him that he didn't need his family".

"You are referring to Elena Lincoln" Caroline states and I nod.

"So, are you suggesting Ana is like Elena?" she asks.

I am shocked by that and shake my head adamantly, "No, no way on earth" I say.

"So, with that in mind, I ask you again do you think Ana would let that happen?"

I think about it and sigh before I shake my head, "No, I don't. She made Carrick and Christian sit down and talk to each other, and since she did that their relationship has improved immeasurably. They are incredibly close now, she did that because she knew it was what was best for Christian, as she had seen how fractured his relationship was with Carrick, and she made Carrick see how he had made mistakes that he wasn't even aware of" I say.

"So, having said that do you think that is what she is trying to do in this instance?" Caroline asks.

I stop and think, "I know I made mistakes and they had an effect on Christian and I will have to live with that but hearing Ana point them out and now hearing Christian acknowledge it as well… that hurt" I say.

"But Christian also made it very clear that he forgave you for your mistakes" Caroline says.

"On the understanding that I forgave Ana for hers" I say sharply. That phone call she made and the subsequent admission that it was done out of spite still hurts badly.

Before Caroline can respond the phone next to her pings with a message. She looks and smiles.

"It appears that Ana has arrived, I'll just go and bring her in if that is alright with you?"

She looks at me questioningly and I hesitate a moment and after taking a deep breath I nod but don't say anything.

I hear Caroline talking and a moment later I see Ana step into the room. I take a good look at her, she looks nervous… almost afraid, and she also looks tired as there are dark circles under her eyes.

I stand up, as she speaks to me.

"Hello Grace" she says nervously but she makes no attempt to hug me but just stands there fiddling with her purse.

I realise this is because of my less than friendly behaviour previously and in that moment, I decide that if we are going to sort this out once and for all I need to be the bigger person and put aside my hurt over the phone call she made, and hopefully we can come to some understanding about it today.

I open my arms and smile at her.

"Ana darling" I say and I see her almost sag with relief as she steps into my arms.

"I'm so sorry Grace" she whispers in my ear, which gives me hope that we can put this behind us.

"Let's sit down" I say.

Ana nods and takes a seat on the sofa. I retake my seat and Caroline is smiling at us.

"Ana, how are you?" she asks.

I watch as she shrugs, "Absolutely terrified" she says and I'm immediately struck that she has just said exactly the same thing as I said when I arrived here.

"I heard you, you apologised to Grace, may I ask what that apology was for?" Caroline asks.

Ana shrugs again, "Everything" she says simply.

"Maybe you could elaborate on that?" Caroline asks. I watch Ana as she glances at me and takes a deep breath.

"I am so confused, I've been going through everything that has happened over the past few months and how I feel about it and I know I made mistakes. I allowed my feelings which I had tried to bury to influence decisions I made and which subsequently hurt Grace".

"Alright, it sounds to me that you need to process these thoughts so we will take it slowly and go through it carefully and hopefully makes sense of everything that has happened and it can work to have a positive outcome for everyone".

I glance at Ana and as she meets my gaze we both nod in agreement at that.

"Alright then what is causing your confusion Ana?" Caroline asks, I listen carefully as this might offer me some insight as to what possessed Ana to be so spiteful as it was totally out of character for her and I think that is why I am so hurt by her actions but I am only guessing that, that incident is what she is referring to.

Ana takes a deep breath and begins to speak, "On the way here I was thinking about everything. Christian, finding Eva, discovering El was my brother, my mom, Frank… all of it. I was trying to make sense of it all and try and understand what possessed me to behave the way I did when I called Grace… when Elena died".

I look at the young woman in front of me, she is clearly struggling. I realise she doesn't want to say anything which she believes will make me think she is being vindictive again so she is skirting around what she really wants to say. I know she blames me for my failings as Christian was growing up. That day when she and Eva came to see Carrick and I she made that very clear, and also in the family meeting where everyone else made their feelings very clear about how both Carrick and I had failed all our children, but in particular Christian. I don't say anything but glance at Caroline who is watching me carefully.

She thinks for a moment and then she turns her attention towards Ana again, "Perhaps if you articulate the thoughts you had, it doesn't matter if they are jumbled just articulate what you were thinking and how you were trying to make sense of it, and perhaps we can help you do that".

Ana nods, "Ok" she says, then after taking a shot look at me she takes a deep breath. "Ok, I went back to when I first met Christian, and how when we first met he told me… he said that he was fifty shades of fucked up – those were his exact words. The more I learnt and the more he told me about everything the more I built this picture and in my mind made a list of the people who had caused him to be the way he was. The pimp who abused him was right at the top of that list… he had to be I mean if he hadn't done what he did to Christian he wouldn't have had the issues he had, that's a simple fact. But that abuse which caused the issues Christian suffered from… I think were exacerbated by the inaction of those around him as he grew up. He didn't receive any meaningful help from the therapists he saw, and… and…" she stops as she looks at me and I nod.

"And I failed him because I didn't help him either, when I was trained to do just that" I finish for her.

Ana nods, "That is the point I just can't understand or get past. I can't understand why. You were trained to know what to do to help him… but you didn't". She pauses as she thinks about what she wants to say next. "That led me on to thinking about John Flynn, I mean I've seen the real progress Christian has made since he has been seeing you" she looks at Caroline who smiles and thanks her. "John Flynn… he… when I first met him I called him an expensive charlatan and while that was in jest at first, it became apparent it was sadly an accurate assessment as he didn't do anything for Christian. Because Christian didn't get any meaningful help as he grew up, he became an angry young man when he hit puberty and as a result fell into the hands of another abuser. Someone who Christian refused to see as an abuser for a long time. He maintained for a long time into our relationship that she had helped him". She pauses again and I see her knotting her fingers as she tries to work out what she wants to say next. "Seeing all this and hearing all this, along with the fact I so quickly and easily fell in love with Christian, I wanted to help him… I wanted to protect him and I wanted him to heal, and I wanted him to find an inner peace, because I love him. Most importantly though I didn't want to add myself to the list of people who had failed him throughout his life, because he didn't deserve that. I learnt how to manage him and his more challenging behaviour, I learnt what worked to calm him and help him when he was upset. But when Elena died, I had no idea what to do. Christian was struggling with his conflicted feelings for her, I couldn't see past my own hatred for her for what she did to him, so I had no idea how to help him. He was hurting and because I love him that made me hurt. I was scared of saying or doing the wrong thing, which is why I refused to go with him into the therapy session he organised because I knew if I did he wouldn't be honest with how he was really feeling but I was so worried about him and I was truly hurting seeing him so messed up over that woman so I reached out to you Grace… but because I also had underlying issues with how I saw you had failed him, for want of a better term, there was a sense of wanting to make you feel what he was feeling in my decision to call you… a decision I now really regret and am incredibly sorry for".

"You say you were hurting Ana, do you think… do you think that you were hurting because in your mind, that because you didn't know how to help him you believed you had also failed him in some way?" I ask, the words coming out of my mouth before I can stop them.

Ana's eyes widen at that and I realise she hadn't considered that. I quickly move to clarify what I mean. "I'm not suggesting you did fail him in any way, it's just what you said before that, how you said you didn't want to add yourself to the list of people who had".

"I didn't think of it like that, I guess… I guess that is a possibility" she says.

I think of my comments before Ana arrived where it was pointed out to me that Christian had made it clear that he had forgiven my mistakes. Now hearing what Ana has said, I realise there was far more to her reasoning when she called me. She was looking for someone to help her deal with Christian as he went into a meltdown because she knew she couldn't be objective about Elena. However, her underlying thoughts regarding my failings clouded her perspective even more and caused the out of character spitefulness which she admitted to, and more importantly apologised for.

I turn my attention to Caroline who I realise is addressing me.

"So, how do you feel hearing all that Grace and do you have anything else you wish to add?" Caroline asks.

I swallow hard as I recall my comment to Christian in our therapy session when my fear at the thought of losing my son had made me say some unforgivable things. I realise I need to make Ana aware of them. A part of me wonders if Ana already knows as I know Christian shares things with her and I know what I said had shocked him. I also know that I had shared with Carrick what was said in that session with Christian.

"My greatest fundamental fear is losing my children, it is a fear which has been exacerbated with all the huge changes that have occurred over the past few months, Christian and Elliot finding their birth families and the changes in the dynamic to our family when you discovered Eva and it became apparent that Elliot was your biological brother. As I said at the family meeting, I know I have failed all my children and it is something I will have to live with. I am working through these feelings of guilt with Caroline and trying to make amends with my children for all my past failings. Christian has now acknowledged that I made mistakes, something he refused to do for a long time and I won't lie when he did acknowledge it… it hurt to hear it, and it reignited my fear of losing him as I had already lost him once. It was your influence on him that brought him to the realisations he did which given what you then told me how you called me out of spite made me think you were trying to drive a wedge between us. I realise now after what you have said today, that wasn't your intention… and I apologise for the way I behaved towards you after the court hearing the other day".

Ana smiles at me and immediately accepts my apology. As she does so I feel a sense of relief reverberate through me as I see it and I have real hope that a positive outcome can be achieved today.