Chapter 21 My Soul Searches

Years passed. The seconds crawled by like hours, the months seemed to take eons to wrap up. Regardless of how fast or slow time crawled by, however, Rosalina's emotions did not simmer down. The heavy heart she bore was no less heavier than when she had first lost Solar.

Solar. Oh, dear Solar. Where was he? Rosalina had spent the better part of the last sixteen Earth years searching. Every time she thought she might be getting closer, reality slapped her in the face; punched her as a matter of fact. The universe, wide, empty, and expanding, gave her no signs that she was even getting close. Solar was gone. Whether he was still alive, Rosalina had no idea. It was possible that all this searching was going to be in vain. It was possible that when she finally found him, he would be dead, with his body floating through the cosmos like a glittering pile of space junk.

That thought nearly made Rosalina sob. She had only known Solar for seven years, and yet, he had turned into an irreplaceable piece of her heart. The thought of him being dead was just as painful as the fact that her mother was. She would not accept that. That dreadful, dark, looming possibility couldn't be reality. It just couldn't. Solar had to be out there somewhere. He had to be alive! He just had to! Rosalina wouldn't accept his death. If he was dead…

Well, as established earlier, Solar was an irreplaceable part of Rosalina's heart. Him being dead would shatter it like a glass cup that fell on the floor. She would never look at the world the same way again, would never be able to wake up with the same cheer that she possessed. He was, after all, her son. Her only son, her beloved son. Nothing could take his place, nothing would fill the void left in his absence. Even now, with his fate as unknowable as the universe's origin, Rosalina had trouble waking up and welcoming the new day. After all, each new day made the list of how long ago she had seen his face longer.

So, Rosalina kept searching. She searched with every last inch of her soul. She maneuvered the Comet Observatory around stars, past galaxies, through the universe. In this particular instance, she prayed to every deity that she could name while she searched. She prayed to Grambi. She prayed to the Star Spirits. She prayed to God.

"Please," she begged in her prayer. "Please, help me find him. No amount of power or immortality I possess can make up for him being lost." Tears streamed from her eyes, her voice wobbled as she continued praying. "I will give up everything I have if it would make finding my son the least bit more possible!" She wanted to scream out this next part, but her tears held her back. "Please! Please…"

No verbal response. Not that Rosalina expected a verbal response. She had cried for the past sixteen years every time she prayed, and the only response she had ever gotten was the stars twinkling in her eyes. This fact almost made Rosalina want to give up on the idea that their were any deities to begin with; that God was absent in the cold, dark, uncaring reaches of space.

But Rosalina still prayed. After all, those deities intervening was the only thing giving her hope that she would find her long lost little boy. Even if God wasn't real, his existence was a lie she wanted to believe in. She needed to. It was the only thing that kept her going at this point.

"Rose?"

Rosalina didn't even wipe her tears when Polari showed up. The black luma placed his hand on her back, stroking it with a love untouched by any impurities. Not even thinking, at most just doing it as a reflex, Rosalina pulled him into a hug. She cradled his tiny body in her arms, reveling in the warmth his star shaped form provided him. As she held him, she heard coos coming from all around her. She looked and saw the lumas, watching her with a sadness so unbecoming of such pure and happy creatures.

"It's going to be okay, Mama," said a blue one, its voice breaking.

Rosalina, despite every last part of her body desperately not wanting to do so, put on a smile. "Thank you." Those two words were so quiet, like a tiny jingle in the vastness of space. The lumas' expressions grew even more saddened by the sound of it. In fact, they looked like they were going to burst into tears themselves.

So, Rosalina let Polari go and approached them, smiling with a mother's warmth. "It's alright, little ones." She placed one hand on the blue one, and the other hand on a present pink. "Now is no time to give up hope."

The lumas cooed, especially the ones that Rosalina had her hands on. Their faces lit up, the happiness they displayed made Rosalina's heavy heart flutter. Eventually, after the lumas gave her one collective hug, they flew away. The only one left was Polari.

And boy, was Polari melancholic. The very first thing he said to her was "You know, you deserve to take a break every once in a while. After all, we've searched over half the universe, and still haven't found anything."

Rosalina looked deep into his crystal blue eyes. "Well then, we will search the other half of the universe." She walked forward, with a determined look on her face that was supposed to hide the fact she was going to break down any second.

Polari, noticing the facade, placed his hand on her shoulder again. "Rose…I know that finding Solar is important to you, but it's been sixteen years. As much as you don't want to hear this…" he took a deep breath. "It's possible Solar might never be found."

Rosalina sniffled. "Don't say that." She wiped a tear away from her eye. "Please, Polari, don't say that. He's…he's out there. I know he is."

Polari looked a little misty eyed. "I know you believe that. But…Rose, it's been sixteen years."

"So?" Rosalina sent him a look. "I'll search for a thousand years if I have to."

"And neglect eating, bathing, and taking care of yourself throughout all that time?"

Rosalina crossed her arms. "Why are you being like this?"

"I'm trying to be realistic, Rose!" A tear fell from the luma's eye, a rare instance of Polari showing vulnerability. "Look, I miss Solar as much as you do. I would love to find him; I'd sell my soul to the devil if it means we can find him. But we need to be reasonable." Polari gestured toward the Observatory, to the lumas playing on various parts of it. "We have family aside from Solar who needs to be taken care of." He gave her a serious look. "There have been five lumas in the past week alone that you have missed turn into stars."

Rosalina's heart broke. Five lumas? She hadn't even noticed! The lumas transforming was an amazing time, but one ladened with stress for the creatures in question. Usually, they at least got a proper good bye from her before they became part of the universe for the rest of time.

Oh…how could this happen? Rosalina must be a horrible mother. She WAS a horrible mother! She had missed out on bidding her children farewell…she had failed to take care of Solar properly, all because she had been too afraid of the powers he had developed. The powers…oh, Solar had been just as afraid of the powers as she was, if not more so. She should have been there for him. He was the child she had asked the stars for, and she couldn't even be there for him.

That thought was the last straw needed to cause her to sob uncontrollably.

"Rose." Polari touched the top of her head, tears falling from his own eyes. "Rose…it's okay."

"No, it's not!" She lifted her head and looked at Polari. "Five lumas, Polari! I missed five lumas!"

"I know." Polari patted her head this time. "But now that you know, you can go out of your way to not miss anymore."

Rosalina dried a tear. That was true. While she would never get the opportunity to give those lumas a proper farewell, she could at least provide it for the rest of them.

"You're right." So, drying her eyes, she stood up straight. "I…I suppose that we can take a break."

Polari smiled. "That's my girl."

So, after Rosalina stopped the ship, she and Polari made their way over to the Terrace. A bittersweet place, as the dome used to be Solar's bedroom. Regardless, Rosalina still smiled as she stood there. She smiled for the sake of the lumas, for the sake of her family as a whole.

"Hey, little ones," she said. "Who wants me to read my storybook?"

The lumas squeed and surrounded her. Both the action and the sound made her heart melt. She led the lumas to the library. As she did, she prayed to the deities one last time.

Please help me be a good mother. That's the least the lumas deserve. That is the least Solar deserves when he comes back home.

…

Has it been sixteen years at this point, or twenty? How many seconds have ticked by since Solar last saw anyone who even resembled a real person? In the inky blackness of space outside the universe, Solar never really bothered to keep track of time. How could he? He had no tools to do so, no suns that had planets revolving around them. Time was a concept that he had ignored for so long that he had almost forgotten about it entirely.

Floating about in a darkness so strong that Solar couldn't even see his own hand, the boy turned man had lost a good amount of his sanity. Sometimes, in the void, he would hear whispers. When he closed his eyes, he could live out dreams and imagined scenarios so vividly that he almost feel the sensations of objects being touched. When he was extremely lonely, he would talk to himself. Originally, such monologues had been stories he would tell himself, stories that he would weave to keep himself entertained in the darkness. Now? Now, Solar actually believed the voices in his head were actual people. Now, he would talk to them, laughing hysterically at the jokes his invisible friends told. After all, he couldn't see anything in the void. For all he knew, those voices could be real.

"How are you, Gloria?" He reached out into the darkness and kissed her forehead. "If I could see you, I'm sure I would be taken aback by your beauty." He turned to his right. "And you, Steve! You're gonna turn into a beautiful planet one day, I guarantee!"

No reason could reach Solar in this void. No one could enter his heart any longer. He had closed it off, the walls somehow even darker than the real darkness of the void. In all his time here, in all the sleepless time intervals he had spent in the dark, he had forgotten the reason why he was here. At most, he just had faint memories, ambient voices of laughter and lost, detached smiles in his mind. He had even forgotten what light was. He didn't know anything except the darkness. Of course, he could leave at any time.

But why leave? He was here for a reason. A forgotten reason, but a reason nonetheless.

"Oh, Bastian." Solar laughed his head off at a supposed joke that "Bastian" had told him. "You always crack me up."

Was there any hope for salvation? Was there anyway to rescue Solar from the void, both the literal one he found himself in as well as the dark, empty, loveless nothing he had in his own heart?

"Solar."

Solar did a double take. Of course, he had heard countless detached voices in the void. But this one was different. There was a quality to it that the others didn't have. It almost sounded…real.

"Whatcha want?" Solar asked. Saying that out loud, he noticed that the voice had the same volume and fullness that his own had. That confirmed it; it was real.

"I have been searching for you. Follow me."

Solar shrugged. "Sure, complete stranger." He followed the sound of the first real voice he had heard in decades. He didn't know who it belonged to. Heck, he didn't even hope for someone in particular, as the concept of hope had become a distant dream to him. The only reason he followed?

There was no reason. All reason was lost on the poor boy.