AUTHORS NOTE: Here is the second part to the therapy session, and this is where I (hopefully) tie together everything that I have tried to say throughout this story, going right back to the beginning and hopefully shows the emotional and psychological journey of self-discovery everyone has been on.

CHAPTER 117

Caroline is still making notes and then she looks up, "I think we should revisit the conversation we were having when we were waiting for Ana to arrive, as I think this would be a good place to do that, now you have heard what Ana has said. Would you like to elaborate what was said then or would you like me to outline what we discussed?"

I think for a moment, "If you could outline what was discussed" I say slightly nervously as I recall that conversation where I acknowledged my jealousy towards Ana's close relationship with my son.

Caroline nods and turns towards Ana, "Before you arrived, we were talking and I was asking Grace how she felt about today, she told me that she was terrified… which incidentally was the same as the way you expressed your feelings towards today's session. I asked her why and she said that she was afraid of losing her children, something which she has just reiterated. She also said that you wielded a large amount of influence over Christian which she feared would cause him to cut her off".

I interrupt at this point as I realise I can't hide behind Caroline and I need to tell Ana the next part. "It was put to me that I could be jealous of your relationship with Christian because of the influence you hold over him and I admitted that perhaps I could be, as I was afraid that you could influence him to cut me off if you wanted to. After hearing what you have said today though, I realise that wasn't your intention. You, as always were just having my sons' best interests at heart and in doing so you were struggling to help him so you reached out to me but your own feelings towards me got in the way and you made a mistake and had a lapse in judgement".

I watch Ana closely and she doesn't seem shocked by what I have just said.

"I will be honest with you Grace, I did wonder if that was the case" she says carefully, the way she says that tells me that Christian has shared with her what was said in our therapy session but once again she is protecting him, as she knows he shouldn't have told her. I decide to make my own admission.

"I have a confession to make, in our previous therapy session before your vacation, Christian accused me of being jealous of you and his relationship with you. I will also say, that I denied it on that day… After that session… I know I shouldn't have, but I shared what was said that day with Carrick. He asked me if what Christian had asked me was correct and I… I… I admitted that it could be. I also admitted to Carrick that now it had been put to me it made me realise that maybe I was also jealous of the relationship Elliot has with Megumi. I can see she is good for him, unlike Kate who just used him. I also realise that I am possibly jealous of the relationship Elliot is building with Sadie and the relationship Christian is building with his birth family, it just makes me feel like I am losing them. I am continuing to work hard with my therapy sessions with Elliot for the resentment he felt towards me which he revealed at the family meeting where he felt disregarded and overlooked all his childhood and I believe… at least I hope we are making progress with that. Carrick told me that I need to rid myself of these feelings as it was making me behave in a way which could make those fears I have a reality, so I am hoping that we can resolve things between us… which I think will help".

Ana nods in agreement with that as Caroline is rapidly note taking and then she looks up at me, "Thank you for that Grace, I will say while I make it clear that everything said in these sessions is confidential, I also understand if you choose to confide what was said to a third party who you trust but I will reiterate anything said here is confidential and will not be divulged to anyone else by myself, but I would warn about discussing things too widely as that could have repercussions which may not be helpful".

I nod and as I do so Ana raises her hand, "If we are confessing things, I also have one to make" she says. She takes a deep breath, "Christian confided in me what was said between you both in your therapy session but I assure you what he told me won't go any further".

I smile as she confirms for me my suspicions at her lack of reaction to the fact, I admitted being jealous of her. It had told me that she had already either worked it out for herself or Christian had told her what was previously said.

Caroline is making more notes and then she looks up. "Alright then, if we could set aside Elliot and Megumi as that is a separate situation and return to your relationship with Christian and Ana" she says.

I nod in agreement and I see Ana do the same thing. I look expectantly at Caroline and wait for her cue on where this is going next. But surprisingly Ana turns to me and asks a question.

"You said that you believe that I have some kind of hold over Christian?" she asks warily.

I nod, "I did say that and I still believe that is true. You do Ana, you may not realise it but Christian idolises you. He won't have a word said against you and while you may not realise it but he really listens to you and takes on board everything you tell him and as you said yourself, you have learnt how to manage his more challenging behaviour and you know how to calm him. That speaks volumes to just how much influence you do have over him".

Ana nods but she looks concerned by my answer, I realise why when she speaks again "But I don't manipulate him, I've just learnt how to get him to stop and think when he goes off on one… most of the time" she says a little defensively.

I smile at her, "I know, and I totally regret what I said to Christian, I know you wouldn't vindictively drive a wedge between us… that was my fear and hurt talking when I didn't understand properly and I apologise for those remarks, they were unhelpful. But you should know Christian immediately rose to your defence when I said them" I say.

Ana looks at me and bites her lip "I know, Christian told me what he said… When Christian told me… it made me think you thought I was like Elena. As she manipulated him and for a long time, he wouldn't have a word said against her. It took me ages to get him to see she had abused him. It wasn't until that boy went to the police and it all came out when she was arrested that it finally made him realise what she did to him was abuse. I just need you to know that I would never make him turn away from his family like she did. I have always encouraged him to interact with his family more. I got him to…"

I quickly interrupt her, "I know you have. You are nothing like that woman, and it was totally wrong of me to make that remark. You brought him back to us, and I will always be grateful to you for your influence in that respect. When Christian told us he'd had a relationship with Elena after I overheard the argument at your engagement party, I was naturally shocked and I will also say that is the only time I've not shared something I'd learnt about our family with Carrick. The reason I didn't tell him was because you'd only recently brought Christian back to us and at that time Christian's relationship with Carrick wasn't at its best and I knew he would tear him off a strip for sleeping with a married woman and I also knew he could potentially drive him away again. But when it all came out exactly what she had done to him, and I realised the extent of it all I felt nothing but deep shame and a tremendous amount of guilt as once again I'd closed my eyes to the signs and the red flags that he was being abused. His behaviour was so bad when he was a teenager, and he changed virtually overnight and I was just so relieved and happy he was turning things around I closed my eyes to the reasons why and what had brought about the transformation. That ignorance was what made me lose my son for so many years, and I vowed to myself never to let that happen again, so when you made him see and acknowledge that I had failed him… along with the fact that it was Elena's death that was the catalyst for him to finally make that realisation… my fears just overwhelmed me and I made some unfortunate choices and unfortunate remarks… and I am so very sorry".

Ana nods, I watch her and I see her eyes widen almost as if she has had a lightbulb moment, and as she speaks and looks at me with compassion rather than accusation I realise very quickly that she has. "We were all struggling but in different ways, but I think the main thing you are missing here is, yes Christian acknowledged that you had made mistakes with him growing up, but he also immediately forgave you. He doesn't hold any resentment towards you Grace, because in his mind you were his saviour. He told me that he thought you were an angel when he first met you. You were the angel who appeared in that hospital room that night he was brought in and you showed him compassion and kindness. You took him in and gave him a home, when he knew that he would've ended up in the system being the age he was and with the issues he had. That's why it took him so long to even acknowledge your mistakes, and also why I tried to bury my feelings about it. I realised that I couldn't hold a grudge against you for something he didn't even acknowledge had happened, but it was still there under the surface and re-emerged when Elena died. That's why when he was struggling with Elena's death and I struggled to help him due to my feelings towards that woman, it immediately made me focus on your mistakes, as in my mind he wouldn't have been in the state he was in if you'd helped him as a child – and I am so very sorry for thinking that and for what I said and did as a result. But, and this is really important Grace, talking about it like this and seeing the mistakes I made out of love for Christian… I think I can understand a little better, because he is so easy to love and we both just wanted what was best for him, and we both made mistakes as a result of that".

I feel the tears falling down my cheeks, "Thank you Ana that is very kind of you and incredibly magnanimous especially after the way I've treated you recently".

Ana smiles and shrugs, "We both want what is best for Christian, I want to protect him and love him and make him feel safe and that is also what you wanted for him when he was a child. But what I lost sight of is the fact that he doesn't blame you for anything. Yes, he acknowledges you made mistakes but he forgave you for them. I was looking at the situation as an outsider, as someone who was looking at the facts of the matter rather than the emotions, I know Christian can be very difficult". She pauses and lets out a small snort, "Very difficult, and that true even now he is sorting everything out and getting some real help" she pauses again and glances at Caroline as she says that, before returning her gaze back to me. "So I really can't imagine what he was like when he was a little boy and how hard it must have been for you and Carrick, especially when you also had El to consider and your careers. I reacted the way I did because I love him so much, but now I realise you also reacted the way you did for the same reason, you took on that little traumatised and damaged boy out of love and you really wanted to give him a home, security and a life free of pain and abuse. So knowing that and talking it through with you, as we have done and seeing we both made mistakes because we just wanted what was best for Christian… I've now let it go as well… after all, he has more right than I could ever have to hold a grudge more right than anyone and he just doesn't because as he said he knew your mistakes came from a place of love not out of maliciousness and in his mind what you did for him outweighs what you didn't".

I smile, what Ana is saying sounds familiar and it is then I recall the conversation Carrick and I had with Mia on the plane a while ago as we returned from Christian's birth parents' reburial when we brought Ava back to Seattle on Christian's plane… I smile as I recall the mountain of cuddly toys packed into the plane from when Christian and Gideon lost their minds at the zoo in New York, I also recall it was when Elliot went to California to meet Frank. I see that moment in my minds eye on Christian's plane where Mia had said much the same thing, my mind flies back to that day as I recall Mia's words in response to something Carrick had said…

'…You can't change what has happened you can only learn from it and look forward to the future. There is no point in feeling guilty for what you see as yours and moms' failures. Did you let Christian down? Possibly, I personally think you could've done more, especially when it became clear I was a positive influence. He tolerated my touch and it was my presence which got him talking. I personally think you could've built on that in some way but you didn't – so in that way you didn't do enough. Then again on the other hand in other ways you went above and beyond as you gave him a life he wouldn't possibly have had, had you not given a damn and adopted him. He was four years old. He wasn't a baby like I was and El was. He would've spent the rest of his life in the system and possibly gone down the same road as his birth mother, you don't know that for sure but what you do know for sure is that he certainly wouldn't be the successful man he is today. You both need to stop over analysing what could've happened and what mistakes were made. You both know you made them… You've got to move on or it will eat you up. Christian doesn't blame you, and he has more right than anyone to apportion any blame as everyone else's mistakes and oversights affected him and his life, but here's the thing… he doesn't. Yes, it has left scars – emotional and physical ones but he is looking forward, he is getting help to overcome them and if he can do it and put the past in the past I sure as hell think you can too…'

I smile again, as I recall how Mia had also been very vocal at the family meeting, calling us out on our failings towards Christian but now I realise that was the resentment regarding our mistakes towards her and El talking, that was when our failings towards all our children was exposed and dissected, and when I had behaved so badly towards Megumi and resulted (somewhat ironically) in both Mia and Elliot wanting Christian to acknowledge that mistakes were made which he refused to do, which kind of reiterates the point made by Mia on the plane and also what Ana is saying now.

I glance at Caroline, "I believe this is what you'd call a breakthrough, after hearing what Ana has just said it made me remember a couple of other occasions where similar things were said". I quickly outline that day on the plane as we returned to Seattle. Caroline listens and is still making notes.

"You've not mentioned this time before Grace, what brought about that conversation?" she asks.

I take a deep breath as I remember that time. "Ana and Christian had gone to New York to visit Eva and Gideon; they had taken Elliot and Ava with them… I think that was the first time Elliot met Megumi as well?" I look questioningly at Ana and she nods.

"I think it was" she says.

"Also, it was around that time that Christian had organised the reburial of his birth parents, he'd gone to Detroit and shown his birth family where Ella was buried and it was quite close to where his birth father was also buried. So, he had organised for them to be put together. It was all happening around the same time. I don't totally recall the exact timeline as it was when everything was happening all at once back then. Anyway, we flew to Detroit to join him for that ceremony. Afterwards, there was a wake and his biological uncle got very upset as he blamed himself for what had happened to Christian… and Ella for that matter, as he had tried to encourage Ella to return home to the family after her husband had died. Christian tried to tell him that he had nothing to be sorry about or feel guilty for but his uncle was adamant he had, so eventually Christian just forgave him to make him feel better. It was that situation that we were discussing on the plane, and in doing so it brought into focus our own failings, my daughter Mia who was with us then said what she did which was very similar to what Ana has just said".

Caroline nods, "I think we should talk about this in one of your sessions Grace, as I think it would be helpful for us to explore this more, to help you come to terms with your own guilt".

"Alright" I say, "But I would like to say that hearing what Ana has said has helped tremendously, as hearing that she no longer blames me has released something".

"Why is that?" Caroline asks and Ana looks at me in surprise at my words, and is clearly interested to hear my explanation.

I think about it, and I ask myself why is that? The reason hits me with the force of a wrecking ball… because Christian listens to her. I think how I am going to word this so I don't sound like a jealous mom again. "Hearing that Ana has let go the resentment she held towards me… makes me feel… safe again. Yes, Christian forgave me for my negligence – because let's be clear that is what it was. You, Ana… you realised immediately that you had made a mistake that day you called me after Elena's death and you immediately apologised for it, but Christian refused to acknowledge you had made any mistake… if you remember he said you had nothing to apologise for. That… those words frightened me more than anything, it made me realise just how much Christian adores you. So, while you held that resentment towards me, I knew because of how Christian listens to you and values your opinion over anyone else there was in my mind a danger that he could at some point turn against me and walk away from me".

Ana opens her mouth to protest and I know she is going to reiterate that she wouldn't do that so I hold up my hand to stop her and she closes her mouth again.

"Wait, I've not finished, I had pretty much worked through those feelings though and as I've said I really don't believe that you would maliciously drive a wedge between us. But even though I know logically you wouldn't do that… now you've said you've let go of the resentment you held… that you have forgiven me, for want of a better term… I feel a sense of relief".

Ana stares at me and I see a tear rolling down her cheek.

"I think you credit me with having far too much influence over Christian, because I really don't" she says somewhat incredulously.

I stand up and hold open my arms to her, "Come here darling" I say.

She stands and walks into my open arms, "You really do" I say, "…and I thank you wholeheartedly for giving him that, giving him someone he can trust and love completely. Someone who gives him a sense of complete security and unconditional love".

I hear Ana sob and I hold her even tighter to me.

"I think that is what we call a breakthrough" Caroline says from behind us.