"Detra?"
I stopped where I was in the hallway as I heard Leliana's voice behind me and I closed my eyes.
She had caught me.
I turned to find Leliana standing in her doorway, a questioning look on her face.
"Did you want to see me?"
We just stared at each other for a moment until I finally realized I must ask her something or appear a fool.
An even bigger fool, that is.
"Uh... I just wanted to say... hello. I didn't want to disturb you."
What in Gods name am I saying?
I am better than this with women.
Leliana just stared at me and then smiled.
"Well, hello."
I noticed that Leliana was in her bedclothes as well and I had no idea what to say to her beyond what I had just barely and clumsily gotten out.
"Did you want to come in?"
Leliana disappeared back into her room and I was not sure what I should do from there. Since it was where I had planned to be from the start and I could not really tell her no since she'd gone back in, I did walk through Leliana's doorway after a bout of frantic thoughts, finding her perusing a book on her bed.
I found the book a welcome relief as it gave me a point of conversation.
"What's that you're reading?"
Leliana turned a couple of pages.
"It's about dwarves and how they've gone about resolving social issues through the centuries. I was hoping to learn a bit more about their nature because mostly what I've seen is that they solve everything with violence, no matter what the problem."
I nodded. The violence and bloodshed we had witnessed in Orzammar was still fresh in my mind as well.
"It seems that living under all of that stone hardens them to the effects of violence, no?"
Leliana tilted her head thoughtfully.
"That is true. But I want to know if they can be different. Maybe all of us can learn to be different if we wanted to."
I nodded again, agreeing with her assessment.
"I suppose we could but not everyone is interested in getting along."
Leliana marked her spot in the book and now looked expectantly at me, as if I'd come here to make some grand speech. I had nothing in my head right now except the fact that I was actually standing in her room.
One thought did crop up and I gave voice to it, finding that I meant it.
"I'm sorry things have been so horrible for you lately."
Leliana's eyes softened and she was the one who now looked unsure.
"Me? I am fine. Don't worry about me. But...I am so sorry about your parents, Detra. I had no idea...It was so awful to hear that wretched man speak about what he had done."
The pity was evident in Leliana's eyes and I did not want it.
I nodded, thanking her but not wanting to go any further with that subject. I was already feeling it and had been since I had set eyes on Howe again.
"If you ever want to talk, Detra..."
I backed up a bit, feeling threatened.
"No, Leliana. I am fine..." I managed.
Leliana still appeared dangerously close to approaching me so naturally I needed to leave and fast.
"Well I'll let you get back to your book. I'm... Goodnight."
Think, Leliana! She's leaving!
Leliana stepped forward.
"Wait...Detra. I wanted to show you some of the things we found at the Peak, in the vault. If you have time that is."
I hesitated and turned back to her, remembering her venture into the vault. My interest was piqued and other thoughts forgotten.
"Oh? What sort of things did you find?"
Leliana took that same folded cloth bundle I recognized returning to her days ago from her nightstand and opened it on her bed. I walked over to the side of it next to her, but not too close.
Leliana separated the silver, gold and copper pieces, telling me of the three large chests full of each one and then continued on about the gold items on the shelves.
"You would not believe the wealth of gold in the vault, Detra. There are shelves full of it! Plenty enough to rebuild the Peak and the Wardens with some even left over."
"Really? All of that gold, simply sitting in the cellar? There were no traps of any kind for protection?"
"We saw none but the lock on the outside door. I assume there would have always been a guard or maybe several present so the Wardens must have felt there would be no need for traps. Unless you count the rats as traps."
"I guess so and... rats? Really?"
"Of course. They'll gather any place they can seek shelter."
Now Leliana separated out two necklaces within the pile.
"And then I found a smaller box with much jewelry in it and... I wanted to show you these pieces."
Leliana spread both necklaces out for me to view on her bed and I saw that one of them was a bright, solid gold. It looked amazingly heavy and expensive but the smaller silver one caught my eye.
It was as if someone had taken a triangle and unfolded it, making two that were bottom to bottom and on the three lower sides, at the points, there dangled a piece of silver in the same shape as the pendant, though much smaller. There were individual, horizontal curved lines etched across the whole face of the pendant itself and the center was also the same triangular shape and contained what looked to be a diamond, a very sparkly one at that. It was very pleasing to behold and I stared at it for quite a few seconds, also touching it.
Leliana giggled.
"See? That is the same way that I have been looking at it. It is just so...different."
I nodded and then smiled at Leliana.
"So what are you waiting for?"
Leliana looked at me, puzzled.
"Waiting for?"
I gestured towards the necklace, smiling.
"I can already see that it would look amazing on you. Silver is your taste too, is it not?"
Leliana was shocked.
"But...no, it belongs to the Grey Wardens. I was simply...I just liked looking at it."
I picked the necklace up from the bed and walked to the mirror that I had noticed a few minutes prior, opening the clasp on the necklace and holding it apart.
"You are right; this does belong to the Wardens. And I am one of those Wardens. And now I hereby bequeath this necklace onto my trusted friend, Leliana, for all of her loyal service to our cause."
Leliana looked genuinely shocked.
"Detra... I can't."
I motioned for her to come again with my head.
"You can and you will. Come here already or I might just put this on myself."
Leliana gave in and walked to me, standing between me and the mirror, surprise still fresh on her face.
I lifted the necklace above her head and stretched it across and around her neck, pulling the clasp together.
The two of us absorbed the sight of the necklace on her and I could tell that Leliana was pleased by the twinkle in her eyes as she stared at the necklace draped across her front.
"See...it's beautiful. I knew it would be. Diamonds bring out the color of your eyes."
I looked to Leliana's eyes to see that sparkle but she was no longer looking at the necklace, she was looking at me in the mirror now, that familiar look in her eyes.
Not this again.
It was all too easy to get caught up in Leliana. It's just the kind of woman she was.
It was almost as if we'd traveled back in time and things between us were easy and carefree again. But I knew they never would be again.
"I should go..."
Seems I'd once again wandered into dangerous territory and I quickly turned, moving towards the door.
I knew this would happen! Why did I even come in and...
"I would give anything if you would stay with me tonight, Detra."
I stopped where I was as the words Leliana had spoken traveled into my brain and I thought about what she was asking of me. I looked down to see my hand forming a fist so tight that my knuckles were now white. I could not move until I suddenly felt Leliana behind me and I faced her.
My mind scrambled to find words to say and Leliana took my hand.
"...I can't..."
Leliana's voice was soothing.
"You don't have to say a thing...no promises. Just stay with me."
Leliana moved closer to me when I did not move away and her arms found their way around me, pulling me into her. I could do nothing but give in, resting my head on her shoulder as my arms did the same. I breathed in Leliana's scent and realized how much I had missed her and I squeezed her just a bit tighter, my body relaxing for the first time in over a week.
I forgot how ugly things were around me, even if just for those few precious moments.
Leliana pulled away from me a bit and smiled, taking hold of my hand again and leading me to her bed.
"Let's get some sleep."
Hearing the word sleep instantly put me at ease and after Leliana moved the book to the table, we both got into her bed and tucked under the covers, settling back under them together.
This felt strangely natural and I shivered.
Leliana reached over and shut the oil lamp off, leaving the only light source as the moon coming through the window. It shined at an angle, just a slice of it lighting a path through the middle of the room and the end of the bed.
Leliana put her arm out so I could nestle against her and I did just that, quite comfortably. I slowed my breath so I could fully bask in her scent again as I had so many nights and mornings and Leliana had her hand on my shoulder, her fingers leaving tiny electric trails as she moved them across my skin.
I didn't let myself ruin what was happening, I just let myself enjoy it for now. I did not want to be alone.
We lay like this for quite a while and then my hand slid across her stomach as I nuzzled into Leliana some more, unable to stop getting closer to her.
Leliana was trying to regulate her breathing so that she did not alarm me but as she let her thoughts wander, she felt her heart pounding in her chest and could not control it.
Maker...please don't let her notice.
I was too much in my own thoughts to notice Leliana's distress but I knew that my hand wouldn't mind making its way under her shirt. I wanted to feel my hand on her bare skin again.
I would love to...
No.
I like us too much when we're getting along.
We cannot ever be without clothes again.
As soon as those words were in my head, I could not stop myself from flashing back to one of the few times Leliana and I had been together. I gasped a bit, silently chiding myself and hoping that Leliana hadn't heard me.
Maker...Why is Detra making those noises?
I wonder what she's thinking about.
Leliana's expertise in controlling her emotions was being put to the test even further as she restrained any knowledge of my slight outburst and stayed in her own thoughts.
Out of all my talents, why couldn't one of them be mind reader?
The silence was becoming unbearable for me.
"Are you comfortable, Leliana?"
Leliana paused, making sure she'd heard my question correctly. She then replied that she was indeed comfortable, thankful things were still under control.
My breathing returned to normal as I thought about anything but what I wanted right now and I had to concentrate on keeping it that way.
How am I ever going to get any sleep like this?
Leliana was in the process of thinking of other things as well right now and she found herself trying hard to remember anything else.
What was that recipe for Zevran's stew?
Boar, carrots, potatoes, leek, spices...
...Detra's lips...
Leliana scrunched her eyes shut tighter, wishing she could chase the thoughts from her head.
...celery, pepper...
Andraste help me! I cannot even think about...
My eyes met Leliana's just then and I saw the surprise and then the uncertainty in her eyes and our gaze locked, each of us searching.
I leaned up, resting on my arm and was unable to stop my words.
"...I can't sleep."
Leliana darted towards me and for a split second she regretted it until my lips met hers halfway. The ache that I had felt inside was finally quelled as our lips met in perfect unison.
My skin tingled and my heart beat even faster as we continued kissing and Leliana turned on her side to face me, putting one arm around me to pull me snug against her and I followed her lead, my body reacting to her touch as it always had.
To once again have my hands on Leliana, to feel the softness of her skin, have my lips against her neck...
It was too much.
I pushed Leliana onto her back and I followed, landing on top of her, doing what I knew best.
I moved in for the kill and Leliana just kept her eyes on mine, her hands on my face. I moved to kiss her, but was unable to do anything but stare deeply into her eyes and then I felt myself trembling.
Suddenly I could feel hot, fresh tears streaming down my face as all I could see in my head was a picture of my parents, bloody and broken as they were taken down by Howe's men and fighting up until their last breath...I had to leave them behind, rushing off with Duncan. The last hours at the Cousland Castle...Oriana, Oren...all of our servants... all dead.
Pain spread across my chest like a wildfire and I clutched at it weakly, trying to catch my breath.
I almost collapsed on top of Leliana, unrestrained sobs emitting from me that I could not stop. I attempted to move away from her but she wrapped her arms around me tightly and did not let me move.
"Let it out, Detra. I am here...It's all right."
My body feeble, I could not move as the tears poured out and down my face and now onto Leliana's shoulder.
I cried for my parents and family and the loss of my home. I cried for being stuck in this predicament and battle and for the choice I had made to be a Grey Warden. All of these emotions surfaced at once and I gasped and sobbed into Leliana's shoulder, unable to restrain my loud cries, my body convulsing violently.
Leliana rubbed the back of my neck and ran her hands through my hair and held on tightly as my breakdown continued. Eventually there were no more tears left and I felt utterly exhausted and empty, my body sagging against hers.
Leliana kissed my cheek, stroking my hair.
"I am still here..."
Leliana never let go of me.