Chapter 4: Fear

Jane: June, Present Day

Finn and Emma were a lot slower to come down. When Jane saw them, her heart broke. Emma's face was red and blotchy with tears coating her cheeks, indicating that she had been crying for quite some time. Jane hated that she had been upstairs crying and hadn't called for Jane. Jane also hated herself for not immediately checking on the girls after Maura and Sophie showed up. Finn wasn't crying, but her face showed her distress, nonetheless.

Jane opened her mouth, intending to comfort Emma and suggest the three of them – Jane, Emma, and Finn – talk alone. Emma was faster though.

Her face screwed up in anger, she looked directly at Maura and yelled, "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!"

Finn's face telegraphed her shock at her sister's outburst, and Jane knew hers probably didn't look much different. Before Jane could react, Emma turned on her heel and ran up the stairs. Finn made eye contact with Jane for half a second before following her sister back to their bedroom and slamming the door behind them. At the same time, Maura turned tail and ran out the front door, leaving Jane, Harper, and Sophie in shock in the kitchen.

Jane closed her eyes for a moment and counted to ten in an effort to keep her own reaction at bay. With a sigh, she looked over at Harper and Sophie, who looked slightly frightened but also somewhat intrigued. "It's okay," she said to them. "Are you guys okay to just eat lunch while I go talk to your sisters and mommy?"

"Yeah, can we watch TV?" Harper asked through a mouthful of quesadilla.

"Don't talk with food in your mouth, but sure, you can eat in the family room and watch TV," Jane said resignedly. Honestly, it would likely keep them occupied longer than just eating lunch, and she suspected they were all going to need that right now.

Harper and Sophie scrambled to the couch with their plates in hand, and Jane headed upstairs to talk to Emma and Finn.

She knocked lightly before opening the door. Emma and Finn shared a room; their beds were perpendicular in the far corner so that Emma's bed was along the far wall and Finn's was along the wall to the left of the door. The heads of their beds came together with a table in between that acted as a nightstand. Both girls were curled up in Emma's bed, their arms wrapped around each other in attempt to offer the other (and themselves) comfort. Both had clearly been crying, but their tears seemed to have slowed.

Jane's heart shattered at the sight of her babies. Jane gently shut the door behind her before hurrying to their bedside. When she opened her arms to hold them close, they both accepted her embrace willingly. Jane shifted the three of them so that she could sit with her back against the wall, one girl on each side. She held them as tight to her sides as she could. She leaned down and left a soft kiss on each of their heads before speaking, "I love you guys so much."

"I love you, too," Emma replied. Her voice sounded small and was muffled with her face buried in Jane's side. Finn remained quiet, but Jane knew she felt the same.

Jane didn't really know where to start. Despite the fact that they had talked about Maura throughout their entire childhood, she felt out of her depth right now.

"I'm so sorry that I didn't come to check on you guys right away," she said.

"S'ok," Emma said quietly.

"No, it's not," Jane said. "I want you both to know that I am always here for you. I love you both so much." She held them a bit tighter and continued, "I'm also really sorry that the first time you met mommy didn't go well."

"Mommy hates me now," Emma said, the tears returning to her eyes.

Jane quickly pulled Emma on to her lap so that she was facing her. "No," she said firmly. "Mommy does not hate you. She loves you – both of you," she added, looking at Finn. "She loves you more than you could ever understand, and so do I."

"I-we-I don't hate mommy," Emma said through her tears. "I wuv her too."

"I know, baby," Jane said sadly. "And whatever you are feeling, it's okay." Jane ran her fingers through Emma's hair, pushing it off her face. She studied the sad little face staring back at her for a few moments before asking, "Emma, do you know why you said that mommy isn't your mom?"

Emma tried to blink back tears, but as she struggled to respond, Finn spoke, "We don't want mommy to take us away. We want to stay with you and Harper."

"Oh, sweetie," Jane said, "I don't want that either, and I'll do everything in my power to make sure we all stay together. No matter what, though, we'll always be family. I'll always be your mama. And, you know, mommy only wants what's best for you." Jane wanted to promise them no one would ever take them away. She wanted that more than anything, but the truth was, she didn't really know what Maura's rights were. Their situation was complicated. She hoped that her rights as their parent were solid, but she hoped even more so that Maura wouldn't want to take them away from her. It's not that she didn't want Maura to be in their lives. Of course, she did. She had always believed and told the kids that Maura was their mother, too.

She also believed that Maura wanted what was best for them. While it was impossible for Jane to think that the girls being taken for her was really what was best for them, she wasn't 100% sure what Maura would think was best. Obviously, Maura trusted her enough to leave them with her in the first place, but the memory of Maura telling her that she spent her whole childhood hoping that 'someday my real mother would appear' has never left her. In fact, the memory has invaded her dreams many times over the past six years.

"I'm going to talk to mommy about all of this, okay?" Jane tried to reassure Emma and Finn the best she could. "I love you both so much," she added again.

Emma responded by leaning forward and burying her face in Jane's chest, her arms wrapped around Jane's torso. Finn just nodded against Jane's side. Jane held them close for a few more minutes, hoping to provide at least some comfort, even if she couldn't offer all the reassurances they needed. As much as she wanted to make it easier, this was going to be a difficult journey for Emma and Finn – for all of them really.

Emma's stomach grumbled, causing all three of them to giggle. "Why don't we go back downstairs," Jane suggested. "You guys can eat lunch with Harper and Sophie, and I'll talk to mommy."

"Okay," they said in unison.

Jane gave each of them a hug before following them out of the room and down the stairs. She had been hoping that Maura had returned while Jane and the girls were upstairs. Jane sighed when she confirmed that Maura wasn't in the house. She decided to at least see if she could find Maura outside without moving too far away from the house.

Opening the front door, she was surprised to find that Maura was sitting on the front stoop. She had honestly expected Maura to run further. She shut the door and sat down next to Maura.

Maura refused to make eye contact with her, but Jane could tell she had been crying – more likely sobbing.

"I was afraid you might have left," Jane admitted softly.

"I wish I could say that I was smart enough – or strong enough – to stay because it was the right thing to do, but the truth is, I didn't really have any other options. I don't have a car or a cell phone."

Jane just nodded, not really sure what to say in response to that.

"I would do anything to do that moment over again," Jane said gently. "I wanted it to go well, for them and for you."

"The reality is, I abandoned them," Maura said, her voice breaking. "I don't blame them for hating me."

"They don't hate you, Maura," Jane said firmly but with as much care as she could. "They love you. They're just scared and confused."

Maura let out a humorless laugh. "I should have expected this. The first time I met my biological mother she told me I wasn't her daughter, so why wouldn't my biological daughter tell me I'm not her mother."

"Don't do that," Jane said louder than she meant to. She tried to tame the anger that was quickly rising inside her. "That's not a fair comparison. They are six years old, Maura. Their six-year-old brains can't handle something this complicated. You know the science behind that better than anyone. I get that it felt similar to you, but it's not the same. Hope was a fully grown adult. I get that seeing you again was traumatic and difficult and all that – really, I do understand that. I understand better now that I have kids, but a fully grown adult reacting poorly to a traumatic situation is not the same as a six-year-old reacting poorly." At some point during her rant, Jane had stood up, her anger becoming harder and harder to contain.

"I just spent – I don't know – 20 minutes trying to convince her that you don't hate her because of what she said."

Anger joined the hurt and fear warring behind Maura's eyes. "I don't hate her. I could never hate her. I love her. I love both of them," she nearly screamed.

Jane paused her pacing, burying her face in her hands as she tried to calm herself.

"I know you don't hate her, Maura," Jane said. "I know you love them, and they know you love them. They're just scared." Jane paused and sat back down on the stoop next to Maura. "They're afraid you're here to take them away."

Maura's head shot up in surprise. "What do you mean?" she asked, finally making eye contact with Jane. "Where would I take them?"

"I just mean take them away from me, away from their home," Jane said resignedly.

"I-I-I…Jane, I never intended to come here and tear apart your family. I know that you're their mother. I just…I'd like to be a part of their lives. I want to get to know them," Maura said sadly.

At Maura's words, a flood of tears escaped Jane's eyes. Despite the fact that she knew that losing the girls was something she worried about, she really hadn't realized how much she needed to hear that.

"Did you think I would?" Maura asked softly, her voice laced with both concern and fear.

"I don't know," Jane admitted, her tears still flowing thick and fast. She tried to wipe them away, but she couldn't stop the stream. "I never thought you would take then just to hurt me or them. I have always known that you would only want what's best for them. I just…I was never sure what you would think is best."

"Jane, I don't think I could even do that legally," Maura said.

"Honestly, I'm not sure, but I was more concerned about you wanting to take them away – for a lot of reasons, both practical and emotional."

"I assure you that taking them away from you – or taking you away from them – was never my intention."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Jane desperately tried to wipe the tears from her face.

"If it's okay with you, I'd like to tell them that myself when we go back inside," Maura said quietly, breaking the silence.

Jane nodded. "I think that's a good idea," she said. "Maybe we should go back in."

Maura took a deep breath before responding, "Okay."

They silently stood up. Jane turned to go back inside, but Maura's hand on her forearm stopped her.

"Thank you, Jane," Maura said gently. "Thank you for loving them, for taking care of them. I…you have no idea what it means to me…how much I appreciate it." Maura let out a nervous laugh. "Honestly, words aren't enough. What I'm saying sounds…lame…compared to the feelings I'm trying to express."

Jane smiled and pulled Maura in for a hug. "Thank you for letting me…for trusting me to care for and love them. You have no idea how much that means to me," she whispered into Maura's hair.

Stepping back, Jane made eye contact with Maura before adding, "I know none of this is going to be easy. I know we have a long road ahead of us, but I think when it gets hard, we both just need to remember how much we love Emma and Finn…honestly, how much we love all four of the kids and…" Jane paused, "…how much we love each other."