Chapter 5: My Mommy Book
Maura: June, Present Day
They silently stood up. Jane turned to go back inside, but Maura's hand on her forearm stopped her.
"Thank you, Jane," Maura said gently. "Thank you for loving them, for taking care of them. I…you have no idea what it means to me…how much I appreciate it." Maura let out a nervous laugh. "Honestly, words aren't enough. What I'm saying sounds…lame…compared to the feelings I'm trying to express."
Jane smiled and pulled Maura in for a hug. "Thank you for letting me…for trusting me to care for and love them. You have no idea how much that means to me," she whispered into Maura's hair.
Stepping back, Jane made eye contact with Maura before adding, "I know none of this is going to be easy. I know we have a long road ahead of us, but I think when it gets hard, we both just need to remember how much we love Emma and Finn…honestly, how much we love all four of the kids and…" Jane paused, "…how much we love each other."
Maura smiled and nodded in response to Jane's words. She wanted to hug Jane again, but she was still unsure about how receptive Jane would be to another hug. It was true that Jane had initiated the physical contact so far, but Maura knew that Jane wasn't a big fan of touching. Neither was Maura for that matter, except when it came to Jane, and right now, all she wanted was to be in Jane's arms. She wanted to make up for seven years of hugs as impossible as she knew that was. Eventually, though, she stepped into Jane's space to give her a hug. Jane returned the hug. When she released Maura from her embrace, Jane opened the front door and led Maura back inside.
Sophie instantly darted off the couch and into Maura's arms.
"You okay, mommy?" she asked as she leaned back from their hug.
Maura smiled at Sophie. "Yes, sweetie, I'm okay," she tried to reassure her. Maura stood up with Sophie still in her arms. Looking at Jane, she said, "I just need to talk with Sophie for a few minutes. Then, I'll talk to the girls." She held eye contact with Jane, willing her to understand that Maura needed to check on Sophie but that she wasn't running away.
Jane smiled. "Of course," she said, offering Maura a wink that let her know that Jane understood her need to check on Sophie.
Maura looked around, trying to find a place to talk to Sophie in private. Jane must have figured out her dilemma because she suggested, "Why don't you guys step out on the front porch? It's pretty nice outside today."
Maura nodded and offered Jane a smile before she carried Sophie out the front door.
Outside, Maura sat back down on the stoop, adjusting Sophie so that she was sitting on her lap facing her. Maura ran her hand through Sophie's hair, brushing it off her face.
"How are you feeling, darling?" Maura asked softly. She watched Sophie's face for signs of distress, but more than anything her daughter looked confused.
"I-I-I'm, uh, I'm confused," she admitted sadly. "You're Emma, Finn, and Harper's mommy, too?"
"Do you remember how I told you that I carried you in my tummy?" Maura asked, and Sophie nodded. "Well, I also carried Emma and Finn in my tummy."
"But then why is Jane their mama?"
"When I gave birth to Emma and Finn, there were some things going on in my life that meant that I couldn't take care of them the way I wanted or needed to. That changed by the time you came along. I asked Jane to help me, so she became their mom too," Maura said, trying to keep it as simple as possible for the three-year-old. "So that makes Emma and Finn your sisters."
"Not Harper?" Sophie asked.
"Jane carried Harper in her tummy," Maura said fully aware that she was making an assumption, "but since Jane became Emma and Finn's mom, that made Harper their sister, too. Technically, Harper isn't your sister, but I think that maybe she could be your sister."
Sophie looked even more confused than when they started this conversation. Maura sighed. "I know it's really confusing," she said to Sophie. "The most important thing to remember is that I love you, and no matter what you call them, Emma, Finn, Harper, and Jane all love you, too." This seemed to satisfy Sophie, so Maura continued, "We can talk about this more later, but do you want to go back inside and spend more time with them?"
Sophie nodded enthusiastically, a smile returning to her face.
When Maura and Sophie went back inside, Sophie ran back to the couch. It made Maura's heart sing with love to see her daughter so happy to be with her sisters. Maura knew that Sophie probably didn't fully understand her relationship to Emma and Finn, let alone Harper, but she still seemed to have an instant connection with all three of them. It was true that Sophie easily got along with everyone, but this was different, this was something more.
However, where Sophie seemed completely comfortable around the three girls, Maura was utterly terrified. This would be the first time she really talked to her two older daughters. This moment had to go well. Maura wasn't sure she would ever recover if it didn't. However, if it didn't go well, Maura would never give up. She survived the last seven years for her daughters, for her family. Still, she wanted them to like her, even if it was only a tenth of a percent of how much she loved them.
Jane looked up when Maura walked into the living room, offering her a reassuring smile.
Maura sat down on the coffee table facing Jane, Emma, and Finn on the couch. Sophie and Harper were on the other couch, which sat perpendicular to this one.
"Would it be okay if I talked to you guys?" she asked gently. She tried not to sound nervous – she didn't want to make them any more anxious than they already were – but she knew her voice was still trembling.
Jane: June, Present Day
After Maura stepped outside with Sophie, Jane double checked that Emma, Finn, and Harper were still occupied by the TV. She needed a moment to gather herself, so she moved around the corner into the laundry room, which was out of sight of both the living room and the front door. Once she was alone, she sunk down to the floor, leaning her back against the washing machine. She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around her legs, and buried her face in her lap. Her body was instantly wracked with sobs. She let them come, but she still tried to keep quiet in an effort not to alert the girls.
She had barely been keeping it together for the last hour or so. Her best friend, the person that she loved more than anyone along with her daughters, showed up on her front steps unexpectedly. She had hoped and wished for this for seven years, but if she were being honest with herself, she hadn't ever expected to see Maura again.
She could keep up the façade of calm and strength in front of the girls – she had to – but that didn't mean she wasn't coming apart inside. She was so overwhelmed with emotions that she honestly didn't even know what she was feeling – relief, fear, exhaustion, happiness, love, anxiety. The list goes on and on.
Jane lifted her head and took a deep breath. She wanted to get back to the girls before Maura and Sophie came back inside. She wiped her tears. She knew she couldn't completely erase the evidence of her breakdown, but this would have to be good enough. At least she was in good company – all of them except Harper and Sophie had cried already.
When Jane returned to the living room, she sat down next to Finn on the couch. Finn was half laying on Emma while Emma leaned against the back of the couch with her hands folded behind her head. Jane smiled as she remembered how Maura used to do that all the time. Harper was sprawled out on the other couch, seemingly oblivious to the emotions swirling around the room.
When Maura and Sophie came back inside, Sophie ran back to the couch. Jane looked up when Maura walked into the living room, offering her a reassuring smile.
Maura sat down on the coffee table facing Jane, Emma, and Finn on the couch. Sophie and Harper were on the other couch, which sat perpendicular to this one.
"Would it be okay if I talked to you guys?" she asked gently.
Finn sat up and looked at Jane. At the same time, Emma brought her hands down to her lap. She was fidgeting with her fingers, but she kept her gaze on Maura. Jane nodded imperceptibly at Finn, who shifted her gaze to Emma. Emma broke eye contact with Maura only long enough to check on her sister before nodding.
Jane watched Maura swallow nervously, but when Maura started talking again, Jane turned her attention to Emma and Finn.
"Your mom told me…" Maura started.
"Mama," Emma interrupted to correct her. "That's mama," she said pointing to Jane, "and you're mommy."
Maura smiled. "Sorry, your mama told me that you were worried that I was going to take you away from her," she said gently. Jane felt both girls shift closer to her unconsciously. "But I wanted to assure you that that will never happen," Maura continued. "I am not here to take you away from your mama, okay? I love you both very much, and I'd really like to get to know you. I want to be a part of your lives, but only if that's okay with you. I know this is hard and confusing, and I wish I could make it easier for you both."
Maura chanced a glance at Jane, who smiled back at her. "I know you have a family, and I'm not trying to take that away from you," Maura said. "Does that make sense?"
Emma shifted so that she was now sitting on her knees. "But you're our family, too," she said, half as a statement, half as a question.
Maura nodded as tears instantly sprung to her eyes at the girl's words. "Yes, sweetie, we are family. I just meant…" Maura trailed off, looking to Jane for help. She didn't know how to make what she was trying to say clearer.
Jane stepped in. "Em," Jane said as she ran her fingers through Emma's hair. When Emma was looking at her, she continued, "You're right that mommy and Sophie are family. They always will be – no matter what. Mommy is just trying to tell you that you don't have to worry. This is your home, and you will always be able to stay with me and Harper. She wants you to know that she really wants a chance to get to know you guys, but that doesn't mean she's going to take you away, okay?"
Both girls remained silent for a few moments. Finn kept her eyes on Emma as Emma looked back and forth between Jane and Maura. Finn moved forward so that she was sitting on the edge of the couch. "I love you, mommy," she said quietly, "but I love mama, too."
Maura smiled. "I love you, too, both of you," she said, looking between the two of them. "I've missed you so much. You have no idea. And I'm so so glad that you love your mama, too."
"But we do know," Emma said confidently. "Mama told us you were sad that you couldn't be with us, but you don't need to be sad anymore because now we're together."
Tears threatened Maura's eyes again as she looked at Jane, hoping that Jane could see even a little bit of how grateful she was that Jane had told them that. Jane smiled at her.
"You're right, sweetie," Maura said.
Emma's face suddenly lit up as an idea came to her. "Can we show mommy our mommy book?" Emma asked excitedly, turning to face Jane. Jane could see hope, happiness, and excitement returning to her eyes. How could she ever say no to that face? Especially when all she wanted was to show her mommy something that was special to her? She couldn't, and she never would.
"Of course, bean," Jane said, smiling at Emma.
When Emma hopped off the couch, Maura looked at Jane. "What's a mommy book?" she asked, her face scrunched in confusion.
"I would tell the girls about you a lot when they were little, and they always wanted to see pictures and stuff, so I made a book about you," Jane explained. Not wanting to make eye contact with Maura, she watched Emma find the book on the bookshelf next to the TV. She was actually very nervous for Maura to see the book. Not that there was anything wrong with it, but it felt a little weird to show Maura a book all about her. Jane felt extremely self-conscious about it. While Emma was gone, Finn moved to sit in Jane's lap.
Emma returned to her seat on the couch next to Jane. She patted the open spot to her right, looking expectantly at Maura. Maura smiled nervously before moving to sit next to Emma. Unsure if Emma would be okay with physical contact, she sat a few inches away from her. Jane tried not to laugh at Maura's perfect posture. She felt bad that Maura was uncomfortable, but the contrast of Maura's ramrod straight back and the way the rest of them were plopped on the couch was comical. Jane couldn't see Emma's face since she was facing Maura, but she must have had a confused look on her face by the way Maura was looking at her.
Jane sniggered, causing Maura to look up at her, confused. "Just relax, Maur," she said. Jane gently placed her hand on Maura's shoulder, guiding her back to sit comfortably on the couch. Emma instantly scooched closer; they still weren't quite touching, but they looked a lot more natural. Jane moved closer to Emma with Finn still in her lap. Emma leaned against Jane a bit as she opened the book. At the same time, Sophie climbed onto Maura's lap, and Harper laid across Jane and Finn so that her legs were on the couch, her arms were folded on Jane's lap, and her chin was resting on Finn's lap.
"I wanna read, too" Finn whined.
"I asked first," Emma pouted.
"You guys can both read it, just alternate pages," Jane said, rolling her eyes.
Emma looked like she was going to argue but decided against it. "Fine," she said. "But I get to go first." Emma closed the book to show Maura the cover. "My Mommy Book," she read. "That's you," she added, pointing to Maura in the picture on the cover, which included Jane, Frankie, Tommy, and Frost as well. "That's uncle Frost, but he died," she added as she pointed to Frost in the picture.
"She knows, sweetie, why don't you start," Jane said gently.
"Okay," Emma said, opening the book to the first page. "This is…"
"Hey, it's my turn," Finn interrupted her sister. "You got to read the cover."
"Finn, Emma gets to read the first page; then, it will be your turn," Jane said. "But if you guys keep arguing about it, I'm going to be the one to read it."
Finn sighed resignedly but stayed silent.
"This is my mommy. Her name is Dr. Maura Dorothea Isles. She is a doctor. She was the youngest Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. My mommy loves me soooooo much," Emma read. "See, look, mommy, they're all pictures of you," she added, pointing unnecessarily to the pictures on the page. Jane had included pictures of Maura throughout her life, including baby and childhood pictures. They spent a few minutes looking at the pictures together before Jane prompted Emma to turn the page.
It was Finn's turn to read, "My mommy is really smart. She is a genius. But my mommy loves me more than she is smart." Maura gently ran her finger over a picture of her and Susie smiling in the lab. There were also pictures from Maura's various graduations and a few from childhood science fairs.
Emma turned the page and continued, "My mommy is very generous. She is always willing to help friends and family. She also supports charities that help people in need. But my mommy loves me more than she is generous." Emma pointed to the page again. "Look, these are some of the charities you supported," she said, indicating the logos on the page that were interspersed with photos of Maura at various charity events.
"Next page," Finn demanded. "My mommy is uber kind. She is nice to everyone. But my mommy loves me more than she is kind."
"Uber means wiwwy a wot," Harper piped up. Jane laughed and ran her hand up and down Harper's back.*
Unable to wait any longer for her turn, Emma turned the page and read, "My mommy is super goofy. She likes to tell people random facts. But my mommy loves me more than she is goofy."
"My mommy is incredibly brave. She always shows courage even when she is afraid. But my mommy loves me more than she is brave," Finn read. Jane heard Maura let out a shaky breath. She didn't want to draw attention to Maura since she knew Maura was probably trying her best to hold back her emotions, so Jane snaked her arm around Emma to place her hand on Maura's forearm.
Emma shifted so that she was further cuddled into the crook of Jane's arm and read, "My mommy is unbelievably strong. She always does the right thing even when it's really hard. But my mommy loves me more than she is strong." Jane could feel Maura starting to shake slightly, so she rubbed her hand back and forth on Maura's arm in an attempt to comfort her.
Finn read the next page, "My mommy is an amazing daughter. She loves her mother Constance (Nana), her father Arthur (Grandpa), her mother Hope (Grandma Hope), and her othermother Angela (Nonna). But my mommy loves me more than she is an amazing daughter."
Harper reached out her hand, pointing her little finger at a picture of Maura, Constance, and Arthur. Maura looked around three or four in the picture. "Look, Sophie, tat's mommy when she was ouw age."*
"I know," Sophie said exasperatedly, but she still turned so that she could better see the pictures on the page.
"And see, that's nonna and mommy cooking just like nonna cooks with me, Emma, and Harper," Finn added, pointing to a picture of Maura and Angela in the kitchen of Maura's old house covered in flour while they made pasta.
Emma held the book slightly higher to give Sophie a better view before continuing with the next page, "My mommy is fantastic sister. She loves her sister Cailin, and her chosen siblings Frankie, Tommy, and Nina. But my mommy loves me more than she is a fantastic sister."
"My mommy is the best friend in the entire world. She and my mama are best friends. My mommy and my mama both love me more than anything," Finn said. Then giggling, she read the fine print on the bottom of the page, "My mommy would tell you there is no way to know if she's the best friend in the world because we don't know every person in the world, but I know it's true."
"Mama says it's true, and Mama knows everything," Emma said confidently.
Jane snorted. "I don't think I know everything," she said, still laughing slightly, "but I do know that mommy's the best friend in the whole world." Jane gave Maura's arm a light squeeze as she glanced over at her. Maura didn't return her gaze, and Jane knew that she was barely holding it together.
Not noticing Maura's silence, Emma continued, "My mommy will always be my mom, and she will always love me. My mommy wanted me, but sometimes things happen that my mommy can't control. My mommy wanted me, but she wanted what was best for me even more." When Emma read, "my mommy wanted me," Maura couldn't stop the sob that escaped her.
All four girls turned to look at Maura, so Jane quickly tried to redirect them back to the book, "Go on to the next page, bean." Luckily, her redirection worked.
Everyone returned their attention back to the book as Finn read, "My mama wanted me, too. When my mommy needed help taking care of me and loving me, she asked her best friend to help. She asked my mama to be my mom, too."
Jane felt bad as she felt Maura's body shake with sobs. The other woman could no longer hold in her emotions. Jane was starting to regret letting them read the book so soon after Maura returned. She should have known it would probably be too much, but she was so focused on Emma's request that she hadn't thought that far ahead. It was too late now, though. She released Maura's arm and slid her arm behind Maura so that she could rub her upper back in a feeble attempt to offer comfort.
Jane shifted her gaze to watch Maura's reaction as the girls read the last two pages. "My mommy and my mama both love me more than anything," Emma read.
"My mommy and my mama love me soooooo much," Finn finished.
Both girls turned to look at Maura, who was clearly struggling to respond. Maura cleared her throat and took a deep breath. She offered Emma and Finn a small smile and said, "Thank you both so much for sharing your book with me. I loved it. And the book is right, I love you guys so much. I love all four of you so much," Maura added as she ran her hand over Emma's hair and squeezed Sophie closer to her.
Maura gently stood up with Sophie. She placed Sophie on the couch next to Emma and kneeled down in front of all four girls. She softly caressed Sophie's cheek and rubbed Finn's knee with her other hand. "I'm honored that you guys shared that with me. I'd really like to look at it more with all of you, but is it okay if I talk to mama alone for a little bit?" All four girls nodded.
Recognizing Maura's need to step away, Jane stood up and placed Finn back on the couch next to Emma. "Why don't you go upstairs," Jane said quietly as Maura returned to a standing position. "You can go in my room. It's the first door on the right when you get to the top of the stairs." Jane tenderly placed her hand on Maura's back and lightly pushed her towards the stairs.
When they heard the bedroom door close, Sophie asked softly, "Is mommy okay?"
Jane ran her hand through Sophie's soft strawberry blond hair. "Yes, sweetie, she's okay. She just needs a minute, okay?" she said directly to Sophie. Then, addressing all of them again, she said, "Why don't you guys watch a movie? I'm going to go talk to mommy for a little bit."
"Can we watch Frozen?" Harper asked excitedly.
"No, I wanna watch Tangled," Finn said, her attention quickly being diverted from the heaviness of the previous moment.
"Moana!" Emma said, adding her own two cents.
Jane chuckled. At least they were easily entertained. "I think Sophie should get to pick," she said.
Emma, Finn, and Harper all turned their attention to Sophie, whose eyes were wide. "I-I…uh..I dunno," she stuttered.
"What's your favorite movie?" Jane asked.
Sophie just shrugged, her hands upturned as she indicated her indecision.
"Can the three of you please agree?" she asked, turning back to the other girls.
They looked at each other. Without a word, they seemed to come to a decision. Jane wasn't sure how they did it, but the three of them seemed to be able to hold entire conversations with just their eyes.
"Okay, Moana," Finn said, and Harper nodded.
Jane put on the movie. "We'll be upstairs," she told them. "Just come knock on the door if you need us."
Finn nodded, but none of the four girls took their eyes off the screen. Jane just rolled her eyes and went upstairs to find Maura.
*Uber means really a lot.
*That's mommy when she was our age.
A/N: You'll start getting some answers in the next chapter now that Jane and Maura have some time to talk alone!
Full text of "My Mommy Book"
This is my mommy. Her name is Dr. Maura Dorothea Isles. She is a doctor. She was the youngest Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.
My mommy loves me soooooo much.
My mommy is really smart. She is a genius. But my mommy loves me more than she is smart.
My mommy is very generous. She is always willing to help friends and family. She also supports charities that help people in need. But my mommy loves me more than she is generous.
My mommy is uber kind. She is nice to everyone. But my mommy loves me more than she is kind.
My mommy is super goofy. She likes to tell people random facts. But my mommy loves me more than she is goofy.
My mommy is incredibly brave. She always shows courage even when she is afraid. But my mommy loves me more than she is brave.
My mommy is unbelievably strong. She always does the right thing even when it's really hard. But my mommy loves me more than she is strong.
My mommy is an amazing daughter. She loves her mother Constance (Nana), her father Arthur (Grandpa), her mother Hope (Grandma Hope), and her othermother Angela (Nonna). But my mommy loves me more than she is an amazing daughter.
My mommy is fantastic sister. She loves her sister Cailin, and her chosen siblings Frankie, Tommy, and Nina. But my mommy loves me more than she is a fantastic sister.
My mommy is the best friend in the entire world.* She and my mama are best friends. My mommy and my mama both love me more than anything.
*My mommy would tell you there is no way to know if she's the best friend in the world because we don't know every person in the world, but I know it's true.
My mommy will always be my mom, and she will always love me. My mommy wanted me, but sometimes things happen that my mommy can't control. My mommy wanted me, but she wanted what was best for me even more.
My mama wanted me, too. When my mommy needed help taking care of me and loving me, she asked her best friend to help. She asked my mama to be my mom, too.
My mommy and my mama both love me more than anything.
My mommy and my mama love me soooooo much.