Chapter 6: Answers

A/N: Trigger warning for unplanned pregnancy and internal dialogue about possible options.

Maura: August 7th, Seven years ago

There was a time when Maura wouldn't have been surprised if you'd told her that she would be completely alone on her 40th birthday. However, it had been almost ten years since she'd felt that way. Since Jane became her friend, she hadn't felt alone. Since Jane became her friend, she never thought she'd spend another birthday or holiday alone. Since Jane became her friend, she thought she'd found her forever family. Even if she was never with Jane quite the way she wanted to be, Jane and by extension all of the Rizzolis were her family.

However, 29 days ago, her life had changed forever, and now she was once again alone. In all likelihood, she would never see Jane again.

Despite being nearly 10am, Maura was still curled under the covers of the hotel room bed. She was seriously contemplating staying there all day until her stomach decided otherwise. She shot out of bed, just making it to the bathroom before she threw up in the toilet. She groaned as she sunk to the floor.

The stress of the last month had really been getting to her, and she wasn't sure what to do about it. She had been exhausted, which wasn't a surprise given that she hadn't been sleeping well. The nausea had started about a week ago and hadn't let up. She couldn't keep anything down and even the smell of food sent her running to the bathroom.

She stood up to rinse out her mouth and brush her teeth, but she knew she was likely to throw up again soon, so she returned to sitting on the bathroom floor, her back resting against the tub. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs, resting her forehead on her knees. She held herself tighter in an attempt to self-sooth, but she flinched slightly when her thighs pressed against very sore breasts. Her head instantly shot up.

She scrambled to stand from the floor, rushing back to the bedroom to find her phone on which she tracked her cycle until she remembered that she no longer had it. She sat down on the edge of the bed trying to remember when her last period had been. She hadn't had one since she'd been here, and her menstrual cycle was usually very regular. It was true that stress could disrupt a woman's cycle, and she had been under an enormous amount of stress. Stress could also cause fatigue and nausea, but so could pregnancy.

She let herself fall back onto the bed but instantly regretted it when her stomach revolted, and she had to rush back to the bathroom.

When her stomach calmed down, she took a shower. As she stood under the falling water, her hand ghosted over her flat stomach. Tears soon joined the shower droplets flowing down her cheeks.

After her shower, she called to ask if a pregnancy test could be brought to her room. It didn't take long for a box of three tests to be delivered to her door. She opened one, urinated on it, and set it on the counter to wait. She wasn't sure if there had ever been a longer three minutes in her life.

An excruciating three minutes later, Maura took a deep breath and looked at the test, which read, "pregnant."

She felt her entire world collapsing around her. She quickly sat down on the ground right where she was standing since she felt lightheaded, and the last thing she needed was to get hurt by passing out. Her body wracked with sobs as she sat alone on the bathroom floor on the morning of her 40th birthday.

Maura had always wanted children, even if she had to do it alone. But she couldn't do it like this – not now, not with her life so out-of-control. Somehow, she was instantly in love with this baby, even if it was still a tiny embryo. She had no idea what she was going to do. She couldn't have this baby, but she didn't think she could terminate the pregnancy either. Maura believed in a woman's right to choose, but that also meant that she could choose that abortion wasn't right for her, no matter what her life circumstances.

Finally calming down, Maura returned to the bedroom. She knew she had some calls to make, and she knew who she had to call first.

She was still spending her 40th birthday alone, but maybe not as alone as she had originally thought.

Maura: June, Present Day

As soon as she closed the door to Jane's bedroom behind her, she sunk to the ground, curled herself into a ball in the middle of the floor, and broke down completely.

In all honesty, she couldn't have hoped for a better reception from Jane and the girls for her and Sophie. Still, all of this was more than she could handle. She had hoped for this day for seven years, and in the three weeks since she found out she could return to Boston, she had thought of little else. She had spent every night falling asleep thinking of Sophie and her two older sisters; she had spent hours picturing what her now six-year-old girls would look like, what it would feel like to hold them again, and how they would react to her; and she had seen Jane in her dreams nearly every night.

Maura was so lost in thought that she didn't hear the bedroom door open, but she lifted her head when she felt Jane sit down next to her and wrap her arms around her. Jane didn't say anything as she held Maura, resting her head on Maura's shoulder. Maura leaned her head against Jane with her cheek pressed against Jane's hair. They sat like that for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts.

Finally, Jane broke the silence. "I'm getting a little old to sit on the floor for so long," she joked.

Maura laughed but conceded her point. "I suppose the floor isn't really the best place for this conversation," she admitted.

Jane stood up and held her hand out to help Maura stand. "It's going to be okay," Jane offered her reassurance.

Maura only responded with a weak smile. She wanted Jane to be right, but she wasn't sure if Jane would feel the same way after she learned the truth.

Jane walked over to her bed. Gesturing for Maura to sit down, she said, "Sorry, I don't really have a better place we can talk. At least I made the bed today." Jane laughed nervously as she sat down. "But with the girls downstairs, they'd pretty much be able to hear us anywhere down there, so that cuts out the dining room and kitchen. Upstairs, it's just bedrooms, so..." Jane trailed off.

"It's really fine, Jane," Maura said as she sat on Jane's bed. She was somewhat uncomfortable, but she didn't want Jane to know that. Maura just didn't like the thought of sitting in the spot probably Jane shared with her boyfriend or even husband. It was one thing when she knew who Jane was dating; she always knew where she stood in comparison to Jane's old boyfriends, whether it was Casey or Dean or whomever else. Now though, she had no idea where she stood with Jane, and she had even less of an idea of who Jane shared her life with. Maura's jealousy wasn't fair to Jane though, and she knew it.

When they were both sitting against the headboard, Maura admitted, "I don't know where to start."

"Honestly, me neither," Jane admitted.

"I know I need to tell you what happened, why I left, and where I've been," Maura said. "And I will, but can we start with something easier?" This probably wasn't a fair request. Maura owed Jane the truth, and she would tell Jane everything she wanted to know. She knew it would be better – or at least easier for her – if they worked up to it a bit.

"Well, why don't you ask me something you want to know?" Jane asked.

"I don't know where to start," Maura repeated.

"Okay, start with the most neutral thing you wanna know," Jane suggested.

Maura thought in silence for a few seconds before saying, "I was surprised by their names." Jane's eyebrows shot up in a mixture of surprise and maybe fear – Maura wasn't quite sure. "Sorry," Maura said quickly. "I love their names. What I meant was, Emma, Finley, and even Harper aren't the types of names I would have expected you to pick. I really do love their names. This isn't coming out the way I intended," she added self-consciously.

Jane laughed, calming Maura's nerves a bit. "It's okay, I understand what you're saying, and I'm not offended," she said. "You're not even close to the first person to say that. Apparently, everyone expected me to choose gender-neutral names." Jane shrugged before continuing, "Alexandra was on my list when Harper was born, and I probably would have called her either Alex or Lexi."

"I thought you would either pick gender-neutral names, traditional names, or possibly Italian names," Maura said.

"Yeah, I guess I can see that," Jane said. She shrugged before continuing, "These were just the names I liked. I don't really know how to explain it."

Maura smiled. "You don't have to explain anything," she said. "I just…well, honestly, I spent a lot of time over the years wondering what their names might be, and I never would have guessed any of the three. That's not a bad thing. They're names are beautiful, and I love them."

"Actually, when Finn was a baby, I was adamant that we were going to call her Finley not Finn," Jane said, smiling at the memory.

"What changed?" Maura asked. This conversation was definitely helping her feel more comfortable. She was grateful that they could start with a relatively neutral topic.

"Emma learned to talk," Jane replied with a laugh. "Emma always called her Finn; then, she started introducing herself as Finn. Eventually, everyone else called her Finn as well."

"Does it bother you?" Maura asked.

"No," Jane said. "Plus, it seems to fit her. Your mom still calls her Finley sometimes, but she's pretty much the only person Finn allows to do so. Other than when she gets 'full named' when she's in trouble, that is." Jane chuckled at her last comment.

"What are their full names?" Maura asked curiously, realizing she hadn't heard their middle names yet.

"Emma Angela and Finley Grace," Jane said. "I always knew I'd use Angela as a middle name if I ever had a daughter, but I wanted to use something from your family for the second middle name. Finley Constance was a bit too much of a mouthful, so I used your grandmother's name. I thought about using your name, but I couldn't give it to one of them and not the other."

Maura nodded. She wasn't sure how to respond.

"I actually wanted to give them both of our last names," Jane continued softly. Her voice was laced with vulnerability. "But the lawyer said I couldn't do that."

Maura took a deep breath. She had honestly hoped to have a little more time before telling Jane the truth, but maybe this was the best lead in she was going to get. Maura stared at her hands, her fingers playing nervously with the ring on her right-hand. "I know," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"You knew I tried to give them your last name?" Jane asked, confusion crossing her face.

"No," Maura said. "I wasn't allowed to know anything after…after I gave them up. I knew that you wouldn't be allowed to give them my last name if you had tried."

Jane reached over and still Maura's fidgeting hands. Giving Maura's hands a gentle squeeze, Jane offered, "It's okay, Maura. Just tell me. Whatever it is, we'll figure it out."

Maura glanced up at Jane. Even though she could barely see through the thick tears threatening to fall, Maura knew that Jane meant what she said. With a quick nod, Maura looked back at her lap before starting.

"They couldn't have my last name because it would have put them in danger," Maura admitted.

"Are they in danger now?" Jane asked quickly, sitting up in her panic.

Maura instinctively reached out to calm Jane. "No, Jane, they're not. I promise they're not. I wouldn't have come back if it would put them in danger," Maura said, her voice firm with conviction. She needed Jane to know that she would never put any of their kids in danger.

Jane nodded. "Sorry, I know you wouldn't put them in danger. I just…" Jane trailed off.

"It's okay," Maura said with a soft smile. "I guess I should start at the beginning. I suppose the first thing you should know is that I've been in the witness security program for the last seven years." Maura looked back at Jane to gauge her reaction.

"I know," Jane replied.

'What?!" Maura exclaimed, her voice louder than she intended. "I don't understand. No one was supposed to know." Maura was shocked at Jane's admission, but the smirk on Jane's face confused her even more.

"I really want to know what idiot thought that I wouldn't look for you if you just disappeared without a trace," Jane said. "I don't know anything else. I don't know why you were in witsec or where you've been. Literally, the only thing I know is that you were in witsec."

Maura's eyes were wide in shock, and her mouth hung open lamely as she tried to wrap her head around the fact that Jane knew even that much.

"After you disappeared, I tried to find you. Maybe a little too obsessively. For over two weeks, I lived at the precinct, spending every waking moment looking for you," Jane admitted. "Two and a half weeks after you disappeared, two FBI agents and a witsec agent showed up at the precinct asking to talk to me. They told me that you were in the program but that nobody was supposed to know. They said they were telling me because they needed me to stop looking for you. They said that by looking for you, I was putting you in danger because the people trying to kill you could piggyback off my search to find you. It took them a while to convince me that they were legitimate and not just trying to trick me. Eventually, though, they gave me just enough information that I believed them without giving me information about where you were or what case you were involved in."

"I can't believe you looked for me," Maura whispered. "I always thought…I didn't think anyone knew…"

Jane snorted in laughter, but then she turned somber. "Really, you didn't think I'd look for you?" she asked sadly. "Maura, you were the most important person in my life when you disappeared. Even after all this time, you're still one of the most important people in my life, along with the kids. I will always look for you unless it puts you or the kids in danger."

Maura could no longer stop the tears that had been threatening to fall since the beginning of this conversation.

"I hate that all this time, you thought I didn't care," Jane said sadly as a few tears escaped her own eyes.

Maura shook her head. "I knew you cared, Jane. Of course, I knew you cared. If I didn't, I never would have left the girls with you," she said through her tears. "I don't know how to explain my feelings about you and about leaving you. But I never thought you didn't care."

Jane nodded. "I don't understand what the kids have to do with this, though," Jane said. "Were you pregnant before you left? Or did you get pregnant in the program? Why weren't they safe with you? And if Emma and Finn weren't safe with you, why was Sophie?"

Maura sighed. Jane had just thrown a lot of questions at her at one time, but they were all questions she had expected.

"Do you remember when we went to that mystery writers' conference?" Maura said slowly.

"Yes, Maura, I remember the last night I saw my best friend," Jane said, some annoyance creeping into her voice. "We went to the Dirty Robber after. Ma, Frankie, and Kent went to that concert and met us there."

"And Kent ordered us whisky," Maura added.

"Okay, I remember drinking. I don't really remember what we drank," Jane said.

"The point is we were drinking something stronger than we usually would have," Maura said. "You left before me because you were uncomfortable in your dress."

Jane's head snapped up, and Maura saw guilt flash across her face.

"Jane," Maura said firmly, "none of this is your fault. Please, I need you to know that. I need you to believe that," Maura was pleading now. She hated the idea that Jane might blame herself for any of what Maura was about to tell her.

Jane nodded. Maura knew Jane hadn't let go of all the guilt, but she needed to get this out, so she continued, "Anyway, I was the last one there, and I was just about to leave when three men walked in and sat down at the bar. One of them…" Maura paused as her face flushed with embarrassment, "…one of them smiled at me and offered to buy me a drink. I accepted and we ended up talking for hours. When the bar was closing, he invited me back to his place. We had sex. A lot of sex, and one time, the condom broke."

"Weren't you on birth control?" Jane asked.

"No," Maura admitted. "I hadn't told you yet, but since I was nearing 40, I was exploring my options to have a child on my own. I had gone off birth control because if I decided to try to conceive using in vitro or artificial insemination, I would need to be off the medication for at least a few months. I did not plan for it to happen from a one-night stand, but…well, it did."

"Okay," Jane said. "But I still don't understand how…"

"I know," Maura cut her off. "I'm getting there. It wasn't supposed to be more than a one-night stand, so we only exchanged first names. I didn't know who he was, and he didn't know who I was. He introduced himself as Mark and that was it. Anyway, I intended to leave right after sex, but I fell asleep. At some point during the night, his phone rang. I woke up but he must not have noticed. He stepped outside the bedroom to talk, but I could still hear him. He was speaking very quietly…"

"But you have Vulcan hearing," Jane interjected. She laughed at the confused expression on Maura's face. "It just means you can hear really well. Anyway, go on."

"He was speaking quietly, and he was speaking Italian," Maura continued. "I think between thinking I was asleep, thinking I couldn't hear him even if I was, and thinking I didn't speak Italian even if I could hear him, he didn't think he needed to worry."

"What did you hear?" Jane asked.

"A lot of things I never wanted to know. I will tell you more later if you want to know specifics, but for now it's not important to the story," Maura said.

"Who was this guy?" Jane asked.

"Marco Salvagio," Maura answered simply, and as she expected, Jane's eyebrows shot up in shock as she recognized the name.

"From the Salvagio crime family?" Jane asked, sitting up straight again. "Wait, were you the secret witness?" Jane's voice got higher as she spoke.

"Yes," Maura said.

"I heard about that case," Jane said, almost to herself. "I didn't realize…I didn't know…"

"And you weren't supposed to know," Maura said. "you couldn't know – for your own safety."

"So, Marco Salvagio is Emma and Finn's…"

"Yes," Maura said nervously. She knew deep down that Jane would still love the girls no matter who their biological father was, but she was still afraid of Jane's reaction. "He's their biological father."

Maura expected a lot of different possible reactions from Jane when she learned this particular piece of information, except for the one she got. To her surprise, Jane burst out laughing, falling back onto the bed as laughter shook her body.

"Jane!" Maura said indignantly. "It's not funny."

"I'm sorry," Jane choked out through her laughter. "I know I shouldn't laugh. I'm not laughing at you, or what you meant through. I'm not trying to make light of the trauma that you went through."

"Why are you laughing?"

Jane sat back up and turned to face Maura "I'm sorry," she said. "I…it's just…it's…Emma and Finn could rule Boston one day if they wanted to."

"What?" Maura asked, her face scrunched in confusion. She honestly could not follow Jane's train of thought. She wasn't really offended. She knew that Jane wasn't laughing at what had happened. She was also aware that Jane's life had been altered just as much as hers had by what happened, and this was just part of how Jane dealt with it. Still, she was confused.

"Technically, Emma and Finn are descendants of the Irish Mob and the Italian Mafia," Jane explained. "Blood is all that matters in those families. If they wanted to take up a life of crime one day, they'd be well respected in both families."

"Jane," Maura whined. "That's…that's terrible." It's not that Maura didn't know who the girls were related to, but she'd never thought about it quite like that. Jane must have been able to see Maura's distress on her face.

Jane shook her head. "It doesn't matter," Jane said gently. "Come on, Maur. We both know it doesn't matter. They're our daughters. That's all that matters. Besides, they'd both be terrible criminals, so I don't think we have anything to worry about. They're supposed to read 20 minutes per day at home for school. That's their primary homework in kindergarten. They both read way more than that. They love to read. One day though, they only read for 15 minutes or something like that. I don't really remember why. We were probably just busy. Anyway, I still signed their papers saying they had read every day. Honestly, I wasn't really thinking about it. Like I said, they read all the time, so I never sat there and tallied up how long they read each day. Well, the next day, I got a call from school because when Finn realized that her reading log was wrong, she freaked out. She was so afraid that she had cheated. The teacher tried to assure her that it wasn't a big deal, but she was so distressed that the teacher ended up calling me. It took every ounce of self-control that I had not to laugh.

"They're both like that. They can't get away with anything because they're so conscientious," Jane continued. "Just like their mom," she added, poking Maura's arm to emphasize her point. "They're good kids – really good kids. It doesn't matter who their biological father is, just like it doesn't matter who your biological father is."

Maura nodded. She knew that Jane was right. Of course, she did. It didn't matter to her who Emma and Finn's biological father was. She loved them no matter what. Jane was right; Emma and Finn were their daughters. That's what mattered.

"Did you think I'd care?" Jane asked, some of the vulnerability from earlier returning to her voice.

Maura shook her head. "No," she said. "I knew you would love them no matter what. I never thought that who their biological father was would change how you thought of them."

"But?" Jane prompted.

"But I was afraid somewhat afraid you'd be angry with me."

"I'm not," Jane said. "I'm not angry with you for who their biological father is, but I'm still a little confused."

"About what? I'll answer any questions you have," Maura said firmly.

"Wouldn't witsec offer protection to them, as well?"

Maura sighed. "Yes," she said resignedly. "And I suppose this is the part that has been the most difficult for me. It's also the part that might make you hate me. I also know it's the part that will be most difficult for Emma and Finn."

"Maura, you're rambling. Just tell me."

"Witsec would have protected the girls, but the truth is, I didn't trust them," Maura said, tears once again running down her cheeks. "I know witsec has a really good track record of keeping witnesses and their families alive, but they still would have been legally tied to me and that would put them in danger. I was terrified that if someone in the Salvagio family found me, they would kill the girls too or take them."

Maura let out a humorless laugh. "I know I never make decisions using my intestines, but this time I did. Every instinct I had was telling me that they wouldn't be safe with me. I refused to testify while I was pregnant because I didn't want them to know about the girls. The family doesn't even know they exist. I know that you know that I'm their biological mother, and I know they know that. Based on how open you've been with them, I'm also assuming our family and friends know.

"Still, they were safer with you. There is no legal connection or paper trail that ties them to me. It wasn't a perfect plan, but it seemed to be the safest option. It was highly unlikely they would find out about the girls connection to me if they didn't know they existed to begin with and there was no legal connection."

"I could never hate you for doing what you thought was right to protect them," Jane said quietly.

"I made a choice though," Maura said. "And you didn't have that chance. I didn't give you a choice in all of this. I mean, I know that legally you could have said no, but I also knew you'd never do that. My choice also put you in some danger, even if it was minimal. If the family did somehow find out about the girls…"

"Maura, don't go there. You know I would do anything to protect them and to protect you. I would always, always want you to do what was safest for them, even if it's just the least bad option among a lot of bad options. We agreed a long time ago that if something ever happened to one of us, the other would take care of our kids," Jane said. "I remember because we were sitting on that motorcycle you helped Frankie fix up."

"Technically, you asked me to take care of your child if something happened to you since you were the one that was pregnant at that time. I never asked you."

"I guess I kinda assumed it went both ways, but maybe that was a bit presumptuous of me," Jane said. "I'm not sure that really matters though. What matters is that the girls are safe and loved – by both of us. I could never hate you for giving me a chance to be their mom. They're the best thing that ever happened to me – all four of those kids downstairs are."

Maura nodded.

"Yeah, Emma and Finn will eventually have to work through what all of this means for them, but we have some time before we need to tell them the full story," Jane continued. "For now, they just need to know that they're loved – again, by both of us."

Maura started crying again as she remembered the book Jane had made the girls. "I can't believe you made them that book," she said. "I never expected…well, I wasn't sure what to expect. I didn't know what they would know about me. But that book…you've done so much to make sure they know they're loved and wanted."

"I never wanted to lie to them about where they came from," Jane said. "Although, I have to admit that I may have made a different decision had I known the full story. If it was safer for them not to know…anyway, we can't do anything about that now. Plus, nothing happened to them. They're safe and happy and loved and wanted. And they know it."

"I understand, and honestly, I wish you would have had the option to make what you thought was the best choice for them. I wasn't given a choice about what to tell you or not tell you, though."

"That part aside," Jane said, "I think it's better for them to know about you. Honestly, I saw how your past affected you. I never wanted them to feel like you did, especially because I knew it wasn't true. The book was definitely their favorite way to talk about you, but it wasn't the only way we talked about you. I tried to make sure you were always a part of their lives."

"Thank you," Maura said quietly. "I just…just, thank you."

"Come here," Jane said, holding out her arms to request a hug from Maura. After their hug ended, Jane added, "I know there are still a few things we need to talk about before we go back downstairs to the girls, but I really need to use the bathroom."

Maura laughed and nodded at Jane. While Jane made her way to the ensuite bathroom, Maura sat back against the headboard. She was feeling emotionally exhausted, and she knew Jane was too. This was a lot for both of them. However, despite her exhaustion, she was felling better than she had in a really long time. For the first time since the pregnancy test was positive – for the first time since her 40th birthday – she felt like everything might just be okay.

A/N: Well, now you know. Also, I know that there are some flaws in the witsec process of the story, but it's REALLY hard to find information on witsec. I did the best I could, but I do realize that the explanation of why the girls weren't in danger knowing that Maura was their mother just because it wasn't a legal link is weak and I know that the part about Jane being so easily convinced by the FBI to stop looking for Maura is also unlikely, but please just go with it. The point of this story is about what family means. The crime and Maura's time in witsec isn't supposed to be the point.