Chapter 13: Rizzoli Family Dinner

Trigger warning: Anxiety/panic attack

Jane: May, Five Years Ago

Jane sighed heavily. She was exhausted, but Emma and Finley were finally napping. It had been a busy week, but they were finally fully moved into their new house. Moving had been harder on Jane emotionally than she had expected. In some ways, it felt like she was letting go her last ties to Maura, which was a bit ridiculous since she would always be tied to Maura through the girls. Still, it was the last of their "places" that she had had left. First, she had left BPD. Then, they had sold Maura's Beacon Hill home last year. Now, she was leaving her condo.

Jane knew she was being irrationally sentimental. They had outgrown the condo months ago, but Jane kept dragging her feet on finding a new home. As the girls neared their first birthday, she could no longer stall, and she had actually made an offer on this house on their first birthday. It was a beautiful house in the perfect location. She was sure they'd grow to love it, but she'd miss being able to look around and see Maura sitting on the couch or at the breakfast bar in her memories.

Jane stood up from her place on the couch. She had to get ready. They were hosting their first Sunday dinner at the new house tonight, and Jane wanted to set up while the girls were still asleep.

Everyone started arriving a few hours later, and Jane was watching TJ, Michael, Emma, and Finley running around their new backyard. Jane turned when she heard the door open behind her to see Frankie, Nina, and Tommy coming out to join them. Since they were kids at heart, it was unsurprising that Frankie and Tommy ran out into the yard to play with the kids. Nina sat down on the deck steps next to Jane.

"This really is a great house," Nina said.

"Thanks," Jane replied.

"You do know you will now be hosting Sunday dinner for the rest of your life, right?" Nina quipped.

Jane snorted. "I did not volunteer for that," Jane countered.

"Since when is anything in the Rizzoli family voluntary?" Nina joked.

"Touché," Jane replied, but before they could say anything else the back door opened again, and Angela stuck her head out.

"Janie, can you come in for a second?" Angela asked, but she didn't wait for a response before going back inside, leaving the door open behind her.

"I'll watch the kids," Nina said. "The actual ones and the adults that think they're kids."

"Thanks," Jane said as she stood up and went inside.

As she closed the door behind her, Jane asked her mother, "What do you need?"

"Kent was looking for you," Angela replied, pointing to the man standing in the living area, talking to Korsak and Kiki. Kent wasn't usually invited, but he, Frankie, Nina, and their team had had a hard case the past few weeks that they finally closed, so Frankie had invited Kent to join them.

"Okay, thanks," Jane said, confused. She walked over to the group. "Hey," she greeted.

"Hi, Jane," Kent said happily. "Thank you for allowing me to join your family dinner tonight."

"Anytime," Jane said, and she meant it.

"Your house is beautiful, Jane," Kiki said.

"Huge," Korsak added, earning himself an elbow to the side from his wife. Jane just rolled her eyes.

"I brought you something I thought you might want for your new house," Kent said, pointing to a cardboard box on the coffee table that Jane hadn't noticed before.

"What is it?" Jane asked skeptically.

"Why don't you open it and see?" Kent retorted, chuckling.

Jane glared at him good-naturedly, but she leaned over to open the box. Inside were the tribal masks that used to hang in Maura's office. Kent had been appointed Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts after Maura disappeared. He had asked Jane what he should do with the things in Maura's office since Maura had personally purchased nearly everything in the office. At first, Jane didn't know since it was unclear who Maura's possessions belonged to. Kent and Jane had agreed to just leave the items in Kent's office until either someone noticed, or it was determined who owned the items. When everything had been officially left to Jane, Jane hadn't wanted to deal with the office on top of dealing with Maura's house and other items, so she donated the furniture to the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner and had told Kent he could have whatever couldn't be officially donated.

"I know you said you didn't want anything from Dr. Isles' office, but I thought, since you're moving into this new house, you might want to hang these," Kent said. "I know they were important to Dr. Isles."

Jane felt tears burning at the corners of her eyes, but she refused to cry in front of Kent. Instead, she nodded. "Thank you," she said quietly.

"You're welcome," Kent said with a smile.

"Dinner's ready!" Angela called from the kitchen. "Will one of you get everyone in from outside?"

"I'll get them," Kiki said as she stepped around Jane.

Jane looked back at Kent before they left the room. "Thank you," she said again. "I really…"

"I know, Jane," Kent said, and he clapped his hand on her shoulder on his way to the kitchen.

"You alright?" Korsak asked Jane quietly.

"Yeah," Jane replied. "Thanks, but neither of us will be okay if we don't listen to ma!"

Korsak laughed loudly. "You're right, there!" he said, and they went to join everyone in the kitchen.

Maura: June, Present Day

Maura tapped her fingers nervously on the kitchen counter. Her anxiety was quickly ratcheting up as they got closer to the arrival of the rest of the Rizzoli family.

Jane was trying somewhat unsuccessfully to reign in the kids whose excitement to see their family was uncontrollable.

"It's going to be okay," Angela said quietly as she squeezed Maura's forearm, pulling Maura from her thoughts.

Maura smiled back at Angela and nodded in response since she didn't trust her words. Maura jumped when the doorbell rang. She intended to walk into the entryway to greet whoever had just arrived, but she was frozen in place. She couldn't get her body to do what her brain wanted it to do. She watched as the kids excitedly ran to the door, and she still hadn't moved as they ran back into the family room with two additional kids, who Maura assumed were Frankie and Nina's kids.

The kids were loud, but Maura could still hear Frankie, Nina, and Jane at the door. She heard Frankie comment, "Who's the extra kid?"

"Sophie," Jane answered. "Why don't you come in, and I'll explain."

"Is everything okay?" Nina asked.

"Yeah, it's just…well, I have something to tell you guys," Jane said slowly.

"Jane, you're scaring us," Frankie said.

"Just…come on," Jane said as they came around the corner.

Nina was the first to spot Maura, who hadn't moved from her position standing at the kitchen island. Nina's jaw dropped, and she stopped in her tracks, which caused Frankie to walk right into her. It took Frankie a moment to figure out what was happening as he looked at his wife confusedly, but when he followed her line of sight, his face mirrored Nina's shock.

"What the fuck?!" Frankie said loudly.

"Hey! Language!" Jane chastised him with a slap to his side. "The kids are right here."

Frankie ignored his sister and walked quickly into the kitchen, pulling Maura into a massive bear-hug. He held her tight for a few moments, while Nina and Jane joined them in the kitchen. When Nina gently placed a hand on each of Frankie and Maura's backs, the finally broke apart, and Nina instantly pulled Maura in for a hug of her own.

"I don't…what happened…how is this…?!" Frankie stuttered.

Jane opened her mouth to say something, but she was cut off by an exclamation from Tommy, who along with TJ, had let themselves into the house.

"What the fuck?!" Tommy exclaimed in an echo of his older brother. TJ, who had gone straight to the family room to play with his cousins, turned at his dad's loud outburst.

"Aunt Maura?" he said uncertainly, causing all of the adults in the room to turn their attention to him.

Maura locked eyes with TJ from across the room. If she were being honest with herself, she wouldn't have expected TJ to remember her. He had been about a month shy of 7 years old when she last saw him, but he hadn't lived in Boston for nearly four years, meaning he really only saw Maura during the holidays. Tommy and TJ had moved back about six weeks before Maura had disappeared. At nearly 14 years old, he looked so much like his father it was uncanny. Maura nodded timidly at TJ in response to his question. He smiled brightly at her, but before anyone could say anything else, Michael had commandeered his attention.

While Maura's attention had been focused on TJ, Tommy had joined them in the kitchen. He wasted no time wrapping Maura in a tight embrace. When he released her, he gently grabbed her shoulders in his hands, holding her at arms' length. He was staring at her as though he didn't believe what he was seeing.

"You can let her go now," Jane quipped as she stepped up to Tommy and Maura.

Tommy released his grip on Maura. "Sorry," he said, and Maura could hear the shock and disbelief still in his voice. He turned to look at Jane. "I'm just surprised. I didn't…wait, did I know…no, we didn't know Maura was coming home, right?"

"No, we definitely did not know," Nina added, answering the question that was intended for Jane.

"No one knew," Maura said quietly. "Jane didn't even know."

"So where have you been?" Tommy asked at the same time as Frankie said, "What happened?"

"Maura will tell you everything she can, but first let's eat. She can answer your questions at the dinner table," Angela cut in. "Kids, dinner!" she called into the family room, and the kids came running into the kitchen.

"Wait, so is that your kid?" Frankie asked, pointing to Sophie.

"Yes," Maura replied. "Sophie."

"Seriously, she'll answer your questions when the kids are in a different room, okay?" Jane said quietly but firmly to her brothers. Nina had already left the conversation to help Bella into her highchair before giving the little girl her food.

Maura was about to help Sophie with her plate, but TJ beat her to it. She watched as the teen patiently explained what everything was and asked Sophie whether she wanted each item. He did all of this without being asked and without any acknowledgement. He even walked her plate to the kitchen table, where the kids were going to eat, before going back to the kitchen to get his own plate.

Maura stopped him as he walked back to the table with his own plate. "Thank you for helping Sophie," she said.

"Oh, yeah, no prob," he said nonchalantly. He flashed her a trademark Rizzoli smile before joining his cousins at the table.

Maura quickly filled her own plate before finding her seat at the dining room table with the rest of the adults. Everyone had naturally left the seat to Jane's right open for Maura. Jane's head automatically turned to look at Maura when she entered the dining room. Maura couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips when her eyes met Jane's, nor could she stop the warmth that flooded her body when Jane's hand found hers under the table once she was seated.

Maura sat between Jane, who was on her left, and Angela, who was seated at the head of the table. Nina was directly across from Maura, and Frankie was across from Jane. Since there were fewer people seated at the table than there were during breakfast, they were more spread out, which put Tommy at the other end of the table across from Angela.

"Okay, so am I allowed to ask now?" Frankie asked, directing his question to Jane even though Maura was the one of whom he wanted to ask the questions.

"Yes," Jane said, rolling her eyes, but she gave Maura's hand a reassuring squeeze under the table.

"Maybe I should just start with the basics," Maura said, and she was glad that her voice sounded stronger than she currently felt. Maura told her story for what felt like the millionth time in two days but was actually just the third time. Maura went through the basics without much preamble, but when she got to the part about the case for which she had been a witness, she paused. She knew that, unlike her parents, Jane's family was bound to know exactly who Marco Salvagio was.

"But why were you in witsec?" Frankie asked.

"Cus she was a witness, dumbass," Tommy quipped good-naturedly, breaking some of the tension at the table.

Maura took a deep breath to calm herself. "Yes, I was the key witness in the reco trial against Marco Salvagio," she said slowly.

"Oh, wow," Nina said.

"I want to be honest about what happened with family, but I would appreciate it if we could keep this relatively private," Maura said. "I'm no longer in danger, but I'd prefer it not become common knowledge that I was the witness in that case. I've already told my parents, and I will tell Hope and Cailin, as well as Vince and Kiki, but…"

"We won't tell anyone else, Maura," Nina assured her, reaching across the table to grasp Maura's hand.

"And you know that none of us care, right?" Angela added.

"I know," Maura said slowly, "but there's one more thing you should know." Maura paused and glanced at Jane, who gave her a small nod, encouraging her to continue. "Marco Salvagio is Emma and Finn's biological father."

Frankie snorted in laughter, causing Nina to elbow him. "What the hell?" Nina said, glaring at Frankie.

"Well, that means that Emma and Finn are Irish mob and Italian mafia," Frankie said through barely controlled laugher.

"I said the same thing!" Jane said, joining Frankie's laughter.

"Oh my god," Angela said exasperatedly, shaking her head as she buried her face in her hands. "Who raised the two of you?"

"That would be you," Tommy added, enjoying the fact that his mother was annoyed with his brother and sister and not him at the moment.

Maura couldn't help but chuckle at the Rizzoli siblings' antics. She felt some of the tightness in her chest release as everyone at the table laughed together.

When Jane finally gathered herself, she said, "Okay, yes, that's true, but the girls don't know yet, and we don't want them to know until they're older."

"Yeah, I get that," Frankie said. Becoming serious, he added, "And you both know that none of us care who Emma and Finn's biological father is, right? It doesn't change how much we love them."

"Yeah, we know," Jane said, "but thanks."

Maura could feel Nina's eyes boring into her. "You can ask whatever it is you're trying to hold back," Maura said softly to Nina.

Nina blinked a few times; clearly, she hadn't realized that she was staring. "Sorry, no, I don't…I'm good," she said.

Maura tilted her head. She suspected that she knew what Nina was thinking. Unfortunately, the same question was the first to pop into most women's mind when they heard that a criminal was the father. "I met him at the Dirty Robber the night Jane and I had gone to the Writers' Convention, the same night Frankie and Angela went to the concert with Kent," Maura said. "We exchanged first names, but neither of us actually knew who the other was. I chose to go home with him that night. It wasn't my best decision, but…well, I can never regret something that led to Emma and Finn. I overheard a lot of information when he thought I was asleep; he also didn't know I spoke Italian."

"I'm really sorry, Maura," Nina said.

"Yeah, you didn't deserve any of that," Frankie added.

"And we all missed you," Tommy said. "Especially Janie."

Maura saw Jane blush and roll her eyes out of the side of her eye. "I missed all of you, as well," Maura said quietly. "More than I could possibly explain."

"We're glad you're home," Angela said as she patted Maura's forearm. "That's all that matters now."

Maura nodded.

"Where are you and Sophie living?" Nina asked.

"Here," Jane answered for her. "Harper and Sophie are sharing a room, and the guest room is now Maura's room."

"Oh, I bet Harper's ecstatic," Nina said with a laugh.

Jane laughed too. "I think that's an understatement," Jane joked.

And with that, the conversation at the table moved away from what happened to Maura and shifted to more mundane, everyday topics. Maura listened in silence while she ate. She couldn't believe how much she had missed Angela's cooking. Sitting at dinner, eating Angela's cooking, and surrounded by the noise and chaos of the Rizzolis, Maura felt like nothing had changed. Sure, they were in a different house, and six additional kids were in the next room with TJ, but there was no awkwardness. She had missed this. She had missed her family.

Maura could feel the tears burning at the corners of her eyes, so she excused herself from the table. "I'll be right back," she said quietly to Jane, and she gently placed her hand on Jane's shoulder as she stood up. She made her way into the kitchen with the intention of getting herself a glass of water, but when she saw the laughing kids at the kitchen table, her emotions threatened to overtake her.

As she started to panic, she felt the extreme need to escape, but she didn't know where to go. If she tried to go upstairs, either the kids or the adults would see her depending on which direction she went. If she tried to go out the front door or the back door, she faced the same problem. That left the laundry room. As soon as she closed the door behind her, she sunk to the ground, leaning against the washer, and sobs overtook her body. Her entire body shook as she tried to catch her breath. Her heart was racing, and tears were pouring down her face. Her breathing quickened and became shallow as her panic ratcheted up.

She couldn't calm herself down, and she was becoming lightheaded. If she didn't get ahold of herself soon, she was going to have a vasovagal episode. She buried her face in her hands and pulled her knees up to her chest. Logically, she knew this was the wrong move – she should be trying to expand her chest to allow for deep breaths – but her emotions were currently outweighing logical thought causing her body to fold in upon itself protectively. She was afraid her heart was going to beat out of her body as her chest felt like it was being squeezed in a death grip. Her head hurt, and her breathing had turned to quick, short gasps.

She was so lost in her panic that she hadn't heard the door to the laundry room open, but she lifted her head when she felt Jane's hands on her shoulders. Jane gently took her chin between her thumb and forefinger, forcing Maura to meet her gaze. Maura tried to focus on Jane – on her eyes and on her words – but Jane sounded very far away, and Maura was having a hard time focusing on anything.

Jane: June, Present Day

Jane noticed Maura's expression as she got up from the table, so she paid attention to the sounds coming from the kitchen. When Maura didn't return and Jane heard a door shut in the distance, she went after her friend. The door to the laundry room was closed – and they never closed that door – so she knew that Maura must have gone in there.

Jane knocked, but she could hear Maura crying on the other side. When she didn't get a response, she figured Maura couldn't hear her, so she let herself in. The sight that met her broke her heart. Maura was shaking violently as she sat wrapped in the fetal position on the floor of the laundry room. Jane moved across the room quickly, shutting the door behind her.

"Maur, sweetie, you're okay," Jane said gently as she guided Maura's face to hers. Maura's cheeks were soaked with tears, and her eyes were glazed over. Jane could tell that she was in the midst of a panic attack. She knew that Maura needed help focusing and that she needed to breathe. Jane released her hold on Maura's chin to lightly push Maura's legs straight and her shoulders against the washer in an attempt to open her chest. She was whispering encouraging words the entire time.

"Hey, it's okay," she said quietly. "You're safe. Just try to focus on me. Can you breathe with me? In…one…two…three. Out…one…two…three," she repeated over and over again. Maura gasped and choked through the first few breaths, but as she continued to focus on following Jane's breathing, her own breathing started to slow. "You're okay. Keep breathing with me." Jane shifted into a sitting position as she kept her eyes locked on Maura's and her breathing steady. She gently rubbed her hands up and down Maura's arms in an effort to comfort her and calm her body. When Maura's breathing normalized, Jane reached up and wiped the tears from Maura's face. Maura's eyes fluttered shut at the touch, but she quickly returned her eyes to Jane's.

"How are you feeling?" Jane asked after a few more minutes.

Maura nodded and brought her hands up to wipe of her face. She was still shaking slightly, but she seemed much better than a few minutes ago. "I'm sorry," Maura mumbled.

"Hey, no, none of that," Jane said softly. "You have nothing to apologize for."

Maura nodded again as she let her head fall back against the washer.

"How are you doing?" Jane tried again.

"Better," Maura breathed out. "I just…I panicked."

Jane couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped her. "Yeah, I got that, but why?" she asked.

"Because everything felt so normal," Maura said, and while her words were positive, her tone suggested that this was the end of the world.

"I…isn't that a good thing?" Jane said slowly.

Maura laughed slightly, which released some of the anxiety still inside of Jane. "Yes," Maura said. "Of course, it is, but it just hit me that I could lose this again." Maura started to tear up again at her words.

Jane turned so that she was sitting next to Maura against the washer and took her hand between her own. She played idly with Maura's fingers for a few moments before she finally spoke. "It scares me too," Jane admitted. "The fact that I could lose you again, that I could lose the girls. Sometimes it scares me so much it's debilitating."

"That's not exactly comforting," Maura said.

Jane laughed. "Do you remember when you were kidnapped?" Jane asked as she bent her knees and leaned her elbows against her knees with her chin resting on her left hand while her right hand continued to play with Maura's fingers.

Maura narrowed her eyes at Jane. "Are you trying to make me feel worse?" Maura couldn't help the sarcastic comment even though she knew that wherever Jane was going with this, she wasn't trying to make Maura feel worse.

"I'm sorry," Jane said. "No, I was going to ask if writing in a journal helped. I remember your therapist suggested that at the time, and it's something that's helped me over the past few years."

Maura nodded as she dropped her gaze to her lap. Jane was still holding her left hand, but Maura used her finger on her right hand to draw patterns on her skirt. "Maybe I should try it," she said quietly.

"After what you've been through, that fear is never going to go away completely," Jane continued. "That's something I had a hard time accepting for myself, but my therapist definitely earned the ridiculous rate I pay her," she quipped.

"You see a therapist?" Maura asked, glancing up at Jane in her surprise.

"Yeah," Jane said with a small smile at Maura. "I fought it at first, like always. BPD forced it on me when you disappeared. Well, they really forced it on me because I racked up too many violations. It was all stupid stuff like being late or losing my temper, but Cavanaugh basically got to the point where he was like either you go to therapy, or you lose your job. I'm also pretty sure he had to pull some strings to get me that option. Anyway, like I said, I fought it at first. I went because I didn't want to lose my job, but I didn't take it seriously, and I didn't really participate. After I got the girls, though, I realized that I had to take care of myself in order to be able to take care of them, so I did some research. I eventually found a therapist that I liked. It still took a while for me to be comfortable and actually talk, but eventually, it started to help."

Maura leaned against Jane, letting her head fall to Jane's shoulder. "I'm proud of you," she said quietly.

Jane laughed lightly before she turned her head to place a soft kiss on the top of Maura's head. "It doesn't always work, but I try really hard to just enjoy everything I have. It's easier said than done, of course, but whenever I start to worry about every terrible thing that could happen, I try to focus on something very specific. Then, I start by writing about that. I try to choose something simple but positive. It can be super random. One time, I wrote about Emma's loose tooth. Another time, I wrote about ma's lasagna. And I just let it flow; even if my writing ends up going back to whatever I was worrying about, I let it happen. It helps me. You know, if you want, I can ask my therapist to recommend someone for you to talk to."

"I think that would be a good idea," Maura said.

Jane gave Maura's hand another squeeze. "I think you've had enough for today," she added. "Why don't you go upstairs and relax? You can take a bath in the master bath, I can give you a notebook if you want to try writing, or you can look through my books to find something to read."

"But everyone's still here," Maura countered.

"So what?" Jane said quickly. "They'll understand. Everyone's family. I'll give Sophie and Harper a bath after everyone leaves. Then, maybe you can read to them while I help Emma and Finn get ready for bed."

"I'd like that," Maura said quietly. "Are you sure it's not rude, though? I know everyone's family, but it seems…"

"No, Maura," Jane cut her off. "You need to take care of yourself." Jane turned and wrapped both of her arms around Maura's shoulders. "Really, we all love you. They will understand. Let me walk you upstairs and show you where everything is. Then, you can have some time alone."

"Okay, thank you," Maura said, shifting so that she could return Jane's hug.

Jane stood up and reached her hand out to help Maura up. She led Maura out of the laundry room and through the kitchen and family room to get to the stairs. Luckily, the kids were so distracted with each other that they didn't notice Maura or Jane.

Jane started a bath for Maura and showed her where to find the bath salts and everything else she might need. Before going downstairs, she pulled a new notebook out of her nightstand and left it along with a pen on the guest room bed.

A/N: While I've mostly been following the series' timeline (except where otherwise noted), I aged TJ up a bit since I wanted him to have actual memories of Maura before she left (not just from stories). Based on the timeline of the series, he would have been around 4 years old when Maura disappeared, and he and Tommy wouldn't have moved back to Boston until after Maura's disappearance.