Chapter 18: Love

Trigger warning: ptsd, family acceptance, adoption, and loss

A/N: It's a short one for a reason, but I hope you like it!

Also, pay attention to the times in the headings.

Jane: June, Present Day
Wednesday, 4:52pm

Jane dropped her phone on the counter more forcefully than she had intended. She leaned forward with her hands supporting her weight against the counter. She dropped her head, allowing it to hang heavily between her shoulders.

She took deep breaths as she let the stress and fear seep from her body. Maura was safe. Maura was okay. Maura was coming home. She repeated these phrases like a mantra as she willed her body to relax.

It had been years since she had experienced anxiety that intense, but she had to admit it was probably inevitable. She had been trying to get in contact with Maura for over an hour, but her panic had started well before that. Maura had left for lunch at 11:30, and she was planning to meet Hope at noon. Jane had expected that it would be a long lunch since it was the first time they would see each other after Maura's return.

By 2pm, when Jane hadn't heard from Maura, she had started to worry. It took everything in her not to call or text Maura at that point, but she knew that it wasn't unreasonable for Maura and Hope to be at lunch for two or more hours, so she forced herself to wait.

By 3pm, she knew her blood pressure was much higher than it should be. She hadn't gotten anything done all afternoon. Instead, she had nervously paced around the main floor, starting but not finishing task after task.

By 3:30pm, Jane was not only worried, but she was angry. She was angry that Maura didn't seem to care about how her absence would upset Jane. She was angry that Maura's absence affected her so much.

By 3:40pm, she realized that she needed to find a way to pick up the kids from school since Maura had the car. She called her mom, and luckily Angela was at home and available. With a ride from Angela, Jane didn't break her perfect record of never being late to pick up the kids.

Jane lifted her head when she heard the door from the garage open. Maura came rushing towards her, and Jane could read the contrition all over her face.

"Jane," Maura said thickly. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean…I wasn't…I'm so so sorry." Maura stopped a few feet away from Jane, who had turned towards her and was leaning with her hip against the counter and her arms crossed protectively in front of her. Maura paused long enough to place her purse on the counter before she stepped closer to Jane.

Jane reflexively stepped back, but she regretted it the instant she saw the look of hurt on Maura's face. Jane let her hands fall to her sides and her shoulders drop as she released the tension she was holding. She pinched the bridge of her nose and gave a slight shake of her head in attempt to clear it. Returning her gaze to Maura's anxious face, she said, "No, it's okay. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I should have been more considerate," Maura tried again, her voice still strained. "I should have at least texted you as soon as I left lunch with Hope to let you know where I was going, and I should have been home in time to pick up the girls."

"Okay, yes, that last one is true, but otherwise you don't owe me an explanation."

"Wait, where are the girls?" Maura said quickly, looking around.

"At Ma's," Jane said. "They don't know that anything was off. Ma just told them that she wanted them to have dinner at her house to celebrate Emma and Finn's graduation."

"Sophie?" Maura asked.

"She seemed fine with it," Jane said. "But I told Ma to call if Sophie's mood changed at all. She had a great time at school today with Harper, by the way. Ma said she'd bring them back between 7 and 7:30pm, which really means they'll be home around 7:45pm."

Maura nodded.

Jane turned and walked towards the living room with Maura following her cautiously. Stopping and turning back to face Maura, Jane asked, "You don't owe me an explanation. You're a fully grown woman who can go wherever you want whenever you want." Jane paused and took a deep breath. "I was just worried. It…"

"…brought back memories," Maura said quietly.

"Yeah," Jane admitted softly.

"Like I said, I should have let you know where I was going as soon as I left lunch but being so late was an accident. It's not okay that I didn't make it home in time to pick up the kids. I promise I'm never that careless when it comes to the kids."

"Oh, Maura," Jane said quickly. "I know that, and while that didn't help my anxiety, it's not the end of the world. That's why this is easier with two of us. You made a mistake. I will always be here to step in when you make a mistake or when you need help, especially when it comes to the kids, and I know you will do the same for me."

Maura nodded. "I know you're right," Maura said. "I still feel guilty about messing up when it comes to the kids, but I agree about supporting each other. I also feel bad about causing you anxiety. I would never do that intentionally."

"I know that too, Maura."

"Lunch with Hope…didn't go well," Maura said slowly, causing Jane to pause her nervous fidgeting. "I-I-I couldn't face you," Maura continued, and her voice sounded like she was on the verge of tears. "So, I went to the only person I could think of."

"Did it help?" Jane asked carefully.

Maura nodded. "A lot more than I expected," she admitted. "But I fell asleep after we talked. I didn't mean to; I was just emotionally exhausted after everything."

"I understand that," Jane said. "And I'm sorry that your lunch with Hope didn't go well."

Maura's entire body stiffened. "Are you?" she said, and her voice had turned cold, catching Jane off guard. "Why didn't you tell me, Jane?" she snapped angrily, and Jane knew exactly what she was referring to.

"I didn't…" Jane started, but Maura didn't let her finish.

"I can't believe you didn't warn me before I met her for lunch," Maura said so loudly that she was nearly yelling. She started pacing back and forth in the living room. Jane watched her helplessly as Maura continued to yell at her. The truth was, even though it felt crappy to be on the receiving end of Maura's anger, Jane also felt honored. Maura never trusted anyone else enough to let herself fall apart in front of them, to let them see her emotions and vulnerability.

Unfortunately, as Jane came to this realization, she also came to the realization that she hadn't been listening to Maura's monologue as closely as she should have.

"Are you even listening to me, Jane?" Maura snapped.

"Maura, I wasn't trying to sabotage your lunch or your relationship with Hope," Jane said, "but I think you already knew that. I didn't tell you because…well, for a lot of reasons. Most of all though, I hoped it wouldn't come up today. I hoped that today would just be about the two of you. I would do anything to make sure that you can have the relationship you want with Hope, with all of your family."

Unwilling or unable to let go of her anger, Maura nearly screamed at Jane, "How could you let this happen? Why would you allow this? Why would you allow her to stay in your lives, especially in the girls' lives?"

"I did it for the girls!" Jane yelled back. "And I did it for you! Your relationship with Hope is important to you. You always wanted a relationship with your biological mother, and Emma and Finn deserved to know their biological grandmother. I never would have let her be in the girls' lives if she hurt them. She loves them, and she treats them well. That's what mattered to me."

"But she doesn't treat you well," Maura yelled. She took a deep breath to calm herself and return to a normal speaking volume. "Jane, you have to know that my relationship with you is so much more important to me than my relationship with her," Maura said earnestly. "You matter to me. You and the girls are all that matters."

"But you don't have to choose. You shouldn't have to choose. I will always be here for you. No. matter. what." Jane punctuated her last three words for emphasis. "And nothing Hope says or does will ever change that. Family has always been important to you, and you deserve to have a relationship with every single person in your family that you want to."

"But, Jane, you're my family," Maura said fiercely.

"I know…" Jane started, but Maura cut her off.

"No, I don't think you do," she said firmly. Maura took a step closer to Jane, pointing her finger at Jane's chest as she spoke. "You are my family. You, Emma, Finn, Harper, and Sophie are the people that matter most to me in this world. And no one is allowed to treat my family like that. No one is allowed to speak to my family like that. Jane, I know that you consider me family, too, and I know that you know that I consider you family; that I always have. So, I don't understand why you would think I would be okay with this?"

"I do know, Maura. It's not that I thought you would be okay with it. I just…"

"NO!" Maura said loudly. "Do not finish that sentence." Maura threw her hands up in the air in frustration. She turned away from Jane for a few seconds. When she turned back around, her voice was calm – she had come to a decision. "Jane…" Maura started before pausing to take a deep breath.

Jane took the opportunity to try to speak. "Maura, I'm…"

"No, Jane, please let me finish," Maura said. "This is important." She closed her eyes and took another deep breath before she locked eyes with Jane. "Jane, I love you. I think…I think I always have." Maura's voice shook with nerves and emotions. "And I don't mean that I love you as a best friend, or even as just the mother of my children. I do love you for those things, too. It's just that that isn't the only…I mean…"

"Maura," Jane said softly in attempt to stop Maura's rambling. "I-I love you, too."

Jane nervously watched Maura's face as she processed Jane's words. She saw surprise, fear, hope, and love flit across her face.

"Jane," Maura said breathlessly as though she was afraid to believe what she was hearing.

"I love you," Jane said again. "More than I ever thought it was possible to love another person. I've loved you for a long ti-…"

Jane's words were cut off by a fierce kiss from Maura. Maura's hands cupped Jane's face as she slowly moved her lips against Jane's. Jane's hands instantly flew to Maura's hips, pulling her closer as she returned the kiss with equal gusto. The feeling of Maura's lips against hers, of Maura's hands in her hair, and of Maura's body pressed against her own overwhelmed Jane.

They were both breathing heavily when they finally pulled back. Jane got lost in Maura's eyes, which were sparkling more than she had ever seen before. Jane was pretty sure she had never seen anything more beautiful than Maura with her lips slightly swollen and barely parted, her face flushed with arousal, and her pupils dilated with desire.

Their eyes remained locked on each other as neither one said a word. Maura gave Jane another short, chaste kiss before allowing her hands to drop to Jane's shoulders. They stayed in each other's embrace, but Jane could see Maura's nervousness start to creep back in as her eyes darted away from Jane's every so often and she chewed on her bottom lip.

"I'm scared," Maura finally admitted, a few tears escaping down her cheeks.

Jane gripped Maura tighter and rested their foreheads together. "Of what?" she asked, even though she thought she knew.

"Of having everything with you and then losing it," Maura said through her ever-thickening tears. "Of ruining this, of ruining us. Jane, I knew that I was in love with you before everything happened, but I was too afraid to say anything because I was terrified of losing our friendship, of losing you, of losing my family. Now, though, it's so much more complicated. We have kids – together! What if…"

"Hey, no," Jane said gently. "Maura Isles doesn't do 'what ifs.' Maura, I can't tell you what the future holds, but I don't want to lose any more time to fear. Besides, we're already so much closer than most couples. We're just missing the physical intimacy. Losing you, it would destroy me. I would continue to live for the kids – just like I did last time. But…it's not possible that anything could possibly make losing you hurt more. There is no 'more.' And while I can't promise that something out of our control won't happen, what I can promise you is that, if it's anything we have control over it, we will get through it. You have my heart…my entire heart, and nothing will ever change theat. And that's true whether we're together or apart. That's been true for the seven years you were gone, and honestly, that was true well before that."

Maura nodded as Jane pulled her forehead away from Maura's. Maura's eyes fluttered shut as Jane placed soft butterfly kisses on each of Maura's tear-stained cheeks.

"When we were talking about Sophie's adoption, you asked me what would happen if I met someone and got married. What I said was true – nothing could ever change what you mean to Sophie – but what I didn't say was that I didn't want to marry anyone else."

"Honestly, I didn't want you to marry anyone else either," Jane admitted with a chuckle. "I mean, the most important thing is that you're happy, but I hated the idea of you being with someone else."

"I hate the idea of you being with someone else…not past tense," Maura said with a smirk.

Jane playfully rolled her eyes. "Same," she said before pulling Maura in for another kiss. "Maura, I want to date you, then I want to propose to you, and then…I'm going to marry you."

Maura couldn't stop the smile that pulled at her lips. "I'll agree to two of those things," she said flirtatiously, and she had to laugh at the surprised expression on Jane's face.

"I want to date you, I want to be engaged to you, and I want to marry you. BUT…I want to be the one to propose."

Jane smirked. "How 'bout we agree that either one of us can do it – when we're ready?" she suggested.

"Deal," Maura said. "Jane," she added slowly. "I, um…uh, can we keep this just between the two of us for a little bit? Not long – just like a week?"

"Yeah, I'm okay with that, but just so you know, it's going to be really hard for me not to kiss you in front of anyone. It already took all of my self-control not to kiss you over the past few days."

Maura smiled then leaned in for another passionate kiss. "Well, we have just under two hours to get it out of our systems," she said seductively, and without hesitation she captured Jane's lips in a bruising kiss.

A/N: They're together! Finally! But now you're probably wondering what happened to get them to this point – in other words, you're right where I want you, lol. Chapters 19 & 20 will continue to go backwards through Wednesday with flashbacks from years ago. I've never tried a format like this, so let me know what you think!