Chapter 19: Loss

Trigger warning: family acceptance, adoption, and loss

Maura: June, Present Day
Wednesday, 12:39pm

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Maura took a step back from the front door after she finished knocking. Her knuckles turned white as she grasped the handles of her purse with both hands tightly. She took a deep breath and rocked back and forth from her heels to her toes as she tried to calm her nerves.

The front door opened, revealing the shocked face of Constance Isles.

"Maura," Constance breathed out in surprise. "I wasn't expecting you. Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry," Maura said thickly. "I should have called…"

Constance shook her head and reached out to Maura. "No, darling," she said quickly. "You are always welcome here. You do not have to call ahead. Please come inside." Constance guided Maura inside and into the sitting room in silence.

Once Maura was seated, Constance sat next to her and asked again, "Are you okay? Did something happen with Jane?"

"No," Maura choked out. "Jane's fine. She's at home. I-I, um, I went…" Maura took a deep breath and tried again, "I had lunch with Hope."

"Oh," Constance said, slightly confused.

"Oh, mother," Maura said quickly, her eyes widening in panic. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…" Maura tried to stand, but Constance grabbed her hands to stop her from rising.

"Nonsense," Constance said firmly. "You can talk to me about anything. You are my daughter. I will admit that it was hard for me when you first found your birth parents, but I've had years to work through my insecurities with regards to Hope. Even if I hadn't though, that should not have ever been your concern."

"I just never wanted you to think that I didn't appreciate you and father and everything you gave me," Maura said quietly.

Constance gave Maura's hand a reassuring squeeze. "Why don't I get us both a cup of tea? Then, we can talk about what happened at lunch."

Maura nodded and watched as Constance went into the kitchen. Once her mother was gone, Maura started to look around the room. She recognized most of the items from her parents' previous homes. She stood to look at the pictures on the mantel and bookshelves around the fireplace. There were pictures from Maura's childhood, including some of her baby pictures along with pictures from her high school, college, and medical school graduations. When she looked at the pictures of her from early elementary school, she could see what Jane meant about Emma and Finn having some of her features.

There were also many pictures that Maura had never seen before. Pictures of Emma and Finn; of Emma, Finn, and Harper; of Jane and the girls; and of her parents with the girls. These made her smile.

"They're adorable, aren't they?" Constance said as she stepped up behind Maura, making her jump.

"Yes," Maura said with a smile as she turned towards her mother and took the cup of tea her mother was handing her.

"Let's sit," Constance suggested, and Maura nodded.

When they had both returned to their positions on the couch, Maura started, "Jane and I called Hope and Cailin on Monday, but today was the first time I was able to see Hope in person. We met for lunch…" Maura trailed off.

"I didn't go well?" Constance questioned, picking up on Maura's discomfort.

"No, it did not," Maura said slowly. "And…I couldn't bring myself to go home – to face Jane. I didn't know what to do. When I pulled out my phone, trying to decide who I could call or where I would go, I realized that your address was in your contact card. I hope it's okay that I came."

"I'm honored that you came here," Constance said genuinely. "Do you want to talk about what happened at lunch?"

Maura took a deep breath. "She asked…she asked why I left Emma and Finn with Jane instead of with family," Maura admitted.

Constance nodded as memories flooded her brain…

Constance: March, Six Years Ago

Constance sighed when she heard her phone ringing in the next room. She wanted to ignore it, but her upbringing wouldn't let her. As long as she was able to answer and not otherwise occupied, the polite thing to do was to answer the phone.

Constance's breath caught in her throat as adrenalin and cortisol flooded her system at the name on her caller ID: Jane Rizzoli. She hadn't spoken to Jane in months. They had spoken frequently after Maura's disappearance, and Jane had tried to keep her updated on her attempts to find Maura. However, after a while, it just became too hard for both of them – they missed Maura too much – and each of them reminded the other of that loss.

She quickly pressed the accept button, answering the phone, "Hello, Jane." She could hear the uncharacteristic anxiety in her voice, and she hated it.

"Hi, uh, Constance," Jane said shakily, and the uncharacteristic anxiety in Jane's voice surprised Constance even more than her own had. Possibilities of the reason for Jane's call flashed through Constance's mind in rapid succession.

"Maura?" Constance asked quickly.

"Um, not exactly," Jane said weakly. "I…well, I don't know how to tell you this…"

"Jane, please just tell me. I need to know what is going on."

"I know," Jane said. "I didn't hear from Maura directly, but I suppose I heard from her indirectly. She gave birth." Jane paused to let her last sentence sink in before continuing, "She had twins, and…um…she left them in my custody."

"I'm sorry?" Constance said, unsure how to process Jane's words.

"I don't have much information," Jane said. "I wish I could tell you more about where Maura is, but I don't know anything. I got a call from Mass General this morning. When I got to the hospital, they told me that Maura had given birth to identical twin girls and that she had left them in my custody. I spent most of the day with the hospital and Maura's lawyers. I tried to get them to let me see Maura, but she was already gone. They wouldn't tell me anything else."

"I-I don't know what to say," Constance stuttered.

Jane took a deep breath. "Constance, I know this is a lot to ask, but would you consider coming to Boston to meet them?" Jane asked, and Constance could hear the vulnerability in Jane's voice – something she had only heard once before when Jane had told her she couldn't find Maura.

"Yes!" Constance said quickly. "I'll make arrangements to leave today."

"Thank you," Jane said, her voice laced with relief. "And Constance…they're beautiful."

"Will you send me some pictures?"

"Of course!" Jane said happily. "Also, could I ask you something?"

"Yes, of course," Constance said curiously.

"I wanted to use Grace as one of their middle names. I…well, I want at least one of them to have a name from your family, from Maura's family. But I didn't want to use your mother's name without your permission."

"I would be honored," Constance said, the smile evident in her voice. "Thank you, Jane. Can I ask? What are their names?"

"Emma Angela and Finley Grace," Jane said. "Rizzoli," she added after a beat. "And they may be Rizzolis legally, but I want them to know all of their family. The fact that I adopted them doesn't change the fact that you're their grandmother. I want them to know you and Arthur. I want both of you to be a part of their lives – a big part of their lives."

Constance instantly teared up at Jane's words. "Tha-thank you," she said thickly.

"Um, okay, so let me know what time you're going to land, and I'll make sure someone can pick you up. Also, I'll send pictures, but I need to go. I have a lot of baby stuff to buy before I bring them home tomorrow. I'll text you if there are any updates."

"Thank you, Jane," Constance said.

"Bye, Constance."

"Jane," Constance said before pausing. "I just want you to know that…I, well, I know my opinion doesn't matter – Maura already made her decision, but I still want you to know that I don't think she could have chosen anyone better to raise her children if she couldn't do it herself."

"Th-thank you," Jane said, and Constance could hear the emotion in her voice. "That actually means a lot."

"I'll let you go," Constance said. "Bye, Jane. I'll see you soon, and don't forget to send pictures."

"I won't. Travel safe."

Constance pressed the "End Call" button and stared at her phone in shock. The fact that Maura had not only given birth but had had to give up her children for adoption was the last thing she would have ever expected. And in all honesty, it increased her worry about Maura exponentially – something she hadn't thought possible. Constance knew that Maura had always wanted children, a family. What situation could Maura be in that she wasn't able to keep her children? The only thing about the whole situation that didn't surprise Constance was that Maura had trusted Jane to raise her children.

Constance was still staring blankly at her phone when Jane's texts came through. A small smile tugged at the corners of Constance's mouth as she flipped through the pictures Jane had sent. She wasn't sure if she had ever seen more beautiful babies – well, maybe Maura, but the three of them were probably tied for most adorable infant.

After viewing the pictures a few times, she was spurred into action. She started with a call to her husband before she called to make arrangements for a private flight to Boston as soon as possible. As quickly as possible, she packed a few bags. She was hoping to stay in Boston a while if Jane would have her. She wanted to help, but she wanted to get to know her granddaughters even more. Just as she finished packing, her phone rang again. The name that appeared on her phone this time was both shocking and unsurprising. Hope Martin was calling her.

Constance had rarely talked to Hope, and she had never talked to her on the phone. However, they both just became grandmothers unexpectedly.

"Hello, Hope," Constance slowly answered the phone.

"Hello," Hope replied. "I, well, I assume you have talked to Jane."

"Yes, I have," Constance said. "I'm still in shock, but I'm currently preparing to fly to Boston immediately."

"Oh, good," Hope said quickly. "Do you have a few minutes to talk or are you in a hurry?"

Constance glanced at her watch and sat on the edge of the bed. "I don't have long, but I have a few minutes."

"I'm hoping for your support," Hope said slowly. "I believe that Maura's children – our grandchildren – should be raised by family."

Constance was so shocked that she was speechless. "But Jane is Maura's family," she eventually said.

"Well…" Hope started, but Constance realized that she didn't want to have this conversation – at least not right now.

"I'm sorry, Hope," Constance cut her off. "Maybe we could talk when I'm in Boston, but I really need to get going in order to catch my flight." She didn't tell Hope that it was a private flight and would leave when she was ready, no matter when that was. She had a feeling where this conversation was going, though, and she wasn't sure she could handle Maura's biological mother telling her – Maura's adoptive mother – that the girls would be better off with biological family.

"Oh, okay, of course," Hope tripped over her words. "Goodbye, Constance." Hope hung up before Constance could reply.

Constance placed her luggage near the front door before calling one of her staff members to put the bags in the car and take her to the airport. While she was waiting for the car to be ready, she quickly ran back upstairs to the bedrooms. There was one more thing she wanted to bring – well, two. It didn't take her long to find what she was looking for. A soft smile graced her face as she looked fondly at the two baby dolls in her hand. Maura hadn't been one for toys as a child, but she had gone through a phase where she loved dolls. Over the years, they had gotten rid of most of Maura's childhood things, but she had always held onto a couple of Maura's favorite things, including these two dolls. Now, it was time for Maura's daughters to have them.

Maura: June, Present Day

"She asked why I left Emma and Finn with Jane instead of with family," Maura repeated.

"I'm sorry, Maura," Constance said, and she meant it. "I'm not condoning her opinion, but you have to understand how hard it was for all of us to lose you."

"But Jane was family. Jane is family," Maura insisted.

"And that's what I told her at the time," Constance replied.

"You knew?" Maura asked.

Constance nodded. "She wanted my support," Constance explained. "She thought I would agree with her. She called me immediately after Jane told us, and she tried to convince me when I came to Boston to meet Emma and Finn."

Maura's head tilted in confusion. "I…but…" Maura started. "But why would she think that my adoptive mother would agree with her that children were better off with their biological family."

Constance laughed. "I don't think she did," she admitted. "But she was desperate…she had already lost you, and she was terrified of losing the last part of you in her life. However, she had no legal ties to you or the girls. She was grasping at straws."

Maura sighed. "I can understand some of that," she said slowly. "But it's been six years, and it's not like Jane kept them from her."

"Quite the opposite," Constance cut in. "Jane has done everything in her power to make sure that both your father and I, as well as Hope and Cailin were a part of Emma and Finn's lives."

"So why does she still feel that way?"

"Darling, I'm sorry, but I don't know what to tell you," Constance said sadly. "The most important thing is that she loves them, and they love her, isn't it?"

Maura didn't answer. "To be honest, that conversation wasn't the one that ended out lunch," she said slowly, staring at her lap.

Constance remained silent, letting Maura work through her thoughts.

"She…she refuses to consider Harper to be Emma and Finn's sister," Maura said, choking up.

"I know," Constance sighed.

"She spent the entire conversation disparaging Jane and Harper. Harper is three-years-old," Maura said forcefully. "I don't understand. It's one thing for her not to consider Harper her granddaughter. I don't like it, but I suppose technically…but how can she actively dislike a three-year-old? I know I haven't known Harper for very long, but she seems like a wonderful little girl."

"She is," Constance said firmly. "She is an amazing little girl, and she is a wonderful sister to Emma and Finn – and to Sophie." Constance paused and took a deep breath. "Hope and I…we don't interact very much. We're around each other a lot because of the kids, but mostly we just coexist. With all the Rizzolis around, it's easy to avoid each other at family events. There's always someone to talk to."

Maura laughed through her tears. That was definitely true.

"I was shocked the first time I heard her describe Emma and Finn as her granddaughters and Harper as…well as not her granddaughter. I've known since Harper was born that Hope feels this way. Angela knows as well. I'm not sure if anyone else does though, and I'm certain that the girls don't know. Jane made it clear that if Hope ever said something to any of the girls or ever treated Harper differently than she did Emma and Finn, she wouldn't be able to be a part of their lives anymore. As a result, Hope has mostly kept her thoughts to herself. However, she has continued to make her feelings clear to Jane over the years."

"Jane told you that?" Maura asked.

"No, but I'm not as oblivious as you think I am when it comes to your life or your family's lives."

"I didn't…" Maura started, but Constance waved her off.

"I'm somewhat teasing you," Constance said with a smirk.

Maura smiled softly. Apparently, some of Jane had rubbed off on her mother over the years.

"My point is, I paid attention, and I can see how much it hurts Jane."

"But why would she allow Hope to treat her like that? Jane has never been someone who tolerated disrespect from anyone," Maura said desperately.

Constance met Maura's eyes, and Maura could tell that her mother was trying to decide how much to tell her.

"Please just say what you are thinking," Maura pressed.

"Maura, she does it for you," Constance said.

Maura's breath caught in her throat. "But I would never want someone to hurt Jane."

"I know that Maura," Constance assured her. "But she knows how important family is to you, and she knows how much you wanted to know your biological family."

"Mother," Maura started.

"Maura, there is nothing wrong with wanting to know your biological family," Constance interrupted. "You know that Jane would do anything to make you happy, and that extends to the kids, by the way. Had Hope ever done anything to hurt any of the girls, Jane would have shut that down immediately, but if she's the only one getting hurt…" Constance shrugged.

Maura sank back against the couch. She knew her mother was right, but that didn't mean she had to like it. This would never be what she wanted.

"I considered Harper just as much my granddaughter as Emma and Finn from the moment Jane told us she was pregnant, but I think the fact that Hope didn't made me want to prove to Jane that I was different," Constance went on. "I think that's why I got so angry at your father when he missed Harper's first birthday. Over time, that…competition settled down. Honestly, I so rarely think about the fact that Emma, Finn, and Harper came to us in different ways. To me, they're just my granddaughters. Sophie, as well. I also know that your father and Angela feel the same way."

Maura nodded absentmindedly. "Okay, so maybe I can understand Hope feeling this way when Jane was pregnant – not really, but whatever," Maura said, waving her hand in front of her. "But once Harper was born, once she got to know her – how can she not fall in love with her?"

"Personally, I think that deep down she does," Constance said, and Maura's eyes shot back up to meet her mother's.

"That is not how it came across today," Maura said firmly.

"It's just my personal opinion. I don't think she can even admit it to herself, though."

"I don't understand."

"Hope was traumatized when she believed you died at birth. That kind of trauma fundamentally changes a person. Jane told me how Hope reacted when you first told her that you were her daughter."

"I'm sorry that I didn't," Maura said quietly.

Constance shook her head. "This isn't about that," she said. "My point is that Hope had to relive that trauma all over again. She had only just started to build a relationship with you when you disappeared again. It was traumatic for all of us, don't get me wrong. But it was traumatic for Hope on a different level. She was reexperiencing the worst moment of her life, except this time, she was losing someone she had gotten to know. I'm not saying that losing you was more traumatic for Hope than it was for me, or your father, or Jane – I'm not sure I believe that – but it was different for her."

Maura stared at her mother in disbelief. She opened and closed her mouth a few times as she tried to figure out what to say. "That's insightful," she finally said, instantly feeling ridiculous for making that comment.

Constance chuckled. "Thank you," she said. "Full disclosure, I didn't come up with all of that on my own."

"Oh," Maura breathed out.

"Your father forced me to see a therapist a few months after your disappearance. I-I wasn't handling things well…" Constance trailed off in embarrassment. "Anyway, Hope has been a topic of conversation many times over the years, including her feelings about Jane and Harper. I believe that she loves Harper deep down, but she refuses to feel it. She lost you twice, and she came very close to losing Cailin. I think her refusal to acknowledge and accept Harper, and frankly Jane as well, is really just an unconscious attempt at self-preservation. If they're not family, then she has less family to lose. That doesn't make it okay."

"I-I…" Maura tripped over her words. She brought her hands up to rub her face before she continued, "It still really bothers me, but what you're saying makes sense."

"My advice is to just give it some time before you try talking to her about it again."

"I'm not okay with her being in our lives if she continues to say these things, if she continues to treat Jane this way," Maura said firmly.

"I can also understand that," Constance said, "but don't make any decisions right now."

Maura nodded. "I don't understand why Jane didn't warn me," Maura said more loudly than she intended. "She didn't say anything. She knew I was having lunch with Hope today. Did she want it to go badly?"

"Maura, you know that's not true," Constance stopped Maura's rambling.

"I know," Maura admitted. "I still wish she'd told me, and I don't understand why she didn't."

"She probably didn't want to upset you. I think she wanted your lunch to go well, and she didn't want to say or do anything that might harm your relationship with Hope. Also, you have to realize how hard this must be for Jane."

Maura nodded again as tears burned at the corners of her eyes. She pressed her fingers against her eyelids in a futile attempt to stop her tears.

"Come here, darling," Constance said as she pulled Maura against her in a tight embrace. Her mother's action shocked Maura. Constance had rarely offered Maura physical comfort, even as a child, and here she was holding Maura while she cried. Maura remained tense in her mother's arms for a few moments before she finally gave into the comfort. She let herself melt into her mother's hug. She had craved this kind of affection from her mother for years, and her tears only thickened when she felt her mother's fingers in her hair.

They sat together in silence for a long time. When Maura's tears finally started to slow, she whispered against her mother's chest, "I'm not sure if you've ever held me like this."

"I know, and I regret that more than you know," Constance admitted sadly. "Honestly, Jane taught me."

"You hold Jane like this?" Maura asked confusedly.

Constance chuckled but didn't release her grip on her daughter. "No, I don't think Jane would let anyone except you hold her so close, but I hold the girls like this," she said. "I have to admit, at first, I was somewhat stiff with the girls, especially when they were around a year old. When they were infants, there were only so many ways to hold them, but once they were big enough to move around on their own, I didn't really know how to physically interact with them. Jane never said anything, but she would basically just put them in my arms the way she thought they wanted to be held. It's hard to explain, but it worked."

"I noticed immediately how comfortable you were with them on Sunday," Maura admitted.

"I wish it was something I was good at when you were a child, but I'm so grateful to have the opportunity with the girls."

"I'm so grateful for your relationship with them, too," Maura said through a yawn. She felt so warm and comfortable in her mother's arms, and within a few minutes, she was sound asleep.

A/N: Well, now you know what happened. The next chapter will explore this a little deeper.