Chapter 20: Natural Family

Trigger warning: family acceptance, adoption, and loss

Hope: August, Four Years Ago

Hope stood silently in the door to the hospital room. She shouldn't be here, she wasn't sure if she was welcome here, and she wasn't sure what possessed her to come. She let her eyes roam over the sleeping woman in the hospital bed until her eyes came to rest on the infant sound asleep next to her.

Hope stepped further into the room and stopped next to the bassinet. She looked down at the baby girl without a hair on her head. The baby was gently suckling on air as she slept with her mother's hand resting protectively on her tummy. Hope reached forward and gently ran the back of her finger across the infant's soft warm cheek.

She stepped back quickly as tears flooded her eyes. Without a word, Hope turned and fled the room, trying to hide her tears.

The Next Day

Hope stepped off the elevator and onto the labor and delivery floor for the second time in twenty-four hours. When she got to her destination, she paused, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.

Jane looked up to see who was at the door. Her smile faltered only momentarily before she greeted Hope, "Good morning, Hope. Please come in."

"How are you feeling?" Hope asked, her voice emotionless.

Jane shrugged and looked down at the baby girl in her arms. Returning her gaze to Hope, who hadn't moved from the door, she said, "Sore, exhausted, in love. You can come closer, you know. We don't bite. Well, I guess I don't know if she bites yet, but she doesn't have any teeth, so…" Jane trailed off with a nervous laugh at her lame attempt at humor to cut the tension.

Hope took a few slow steps into the room and paused a few feet from Jane's bed. "Would you like to hold your granddaughter?" Jane said quietly, and Hope could hear the trepidation mixed with hope in Jane's voice.

However, Jane's words sent a rush of fear and panic through her body. Hope felt like the room was collapsing around her. Her breath caught in her throat, and her mouth instantly went dry. A cold sweat covered her body. "She's not my granddaughter!" Hope said coldly but firmly.

Jane's face fell in disappointment and hurt. Her shoulder's slumped, and her grip tightened on her daughter. Her defenses instantly rebuilt around her and her little girl. "Then you need to leave," she said, the coldness in her voice rivaling Hope's. "Only family is allowed right now."

Hope gave Jane a stiff nod before once again leaving without another word.

An hour later, Hope had locked herself in her office at MEND after letting her staff know that she would be unavailable for the rest of the day. She sat down at her desk and buried her head in her hands. Her body rocked with sobs as she let everything out. She grieved for herself; she grieved for her daughter; and she grieved for her granddaughters. All of them had been forever changed with Maura's disappearance. Hope's heart had been irrevocably shattered forty-three years ago when she lost her baby girl. The pieces of her heart had just started to mend – albeit not without imperfections – since Maura had found her and they had tried to rebuild their relationship.

But then…she lost her baby girl all over again only to find out months later that her baby girl had given birth to two baby girls of her own. Hope hadn't thought it was possible to love anyone the way she loved Maura and Cailin, but the second she held those two beautiful little girls, she realized she had been wrong. And now her greatest fear was that she would lose the little family that she had left. She would do anything to keep Cailin, Emma, and Finley safe and close.

What she didn't understand was why she was so emotional right now. She was angry, but she had been angry for years and especially over the past few months. She was angry at herself; she was angry at Jane; and even though she hated herself for it, she was angry at Maura. But right now, she was feeling more than anger; she was feeling so many conflicting emotions that she didn't understand. This baby wasn't her granddaughter; no, this little girl was just her daughter's best friend's baby – a baby that was going to take time, energy, and love that her granddaughters deserved. Even if Hope didn't think Jane was the best person to raise her granddaughters, Hope still believed that they deserved Jane's best.

The problem was, she didn't only feel anger, and she didn't know what to do with that.

Maura: June, Present Day
Wednesday, 11:57am

Maura took a deep breath as she paused with her hand on the doorknob of the front door of the café where she was meeting Hope. She was nervous, very nervous, and she really wished Jane were here with her right now.

Steeling herself, Maura pushed through the door. Her eyes quickly scanned the room, landing on her birth mother. Hope was sitting at a booth on the far side of the restaurant. Maura could tell that Hope was nervous. As she stared out the window, Hope's leg bounced under the table and her fingers fidgeted nervously with the napkin in front of her.

Hope's eyes found Maura's when Maura was a few feet from the table. Her steps slowed momentarily, but she didn't stop until she was standing next to the table.

Hope stood up slowly. Her eyes searched Maura's face for a few moments before she leaned forward and wrapped Maura in a tight hug. They held onto each other for a little longer than usual. When Hope pulled away, she gestured to the seat across from her. They both took their seats and sat in silence until the waitress came to take their drink order.

After the waitress left, Hope started, "It's so good to see you, Maura."

"It's good to see you, too," Maura said politely. "I-I've missed you," she added more warmly.

"I've missed you, too," Hope said, her voice cracking as she did so. The sadness in Hope's voice tugged at Maura's heart.

Maura sighed. "Maybe I should start with an explanation," Maura said. "Like I told you on the phone, I was in the witness protection program." Maura told her story uninterrupted over the next few minutes. She paused as she got to the end. "I found out almost four weeks ago that I was no longer in danger. I was given the option to return to Boston or to stay in Utah. Obviously, it was an easy choice. There was no way I wouldn't return as long as it didn't put me or anyone else in danger."

"You had to get back to your girls," Hope said, her voice full of emotion.

Maura nodded. She wanted to tell Hope that her experience gave her a much better understanding of what Hope had gone through when she lost Maura, but now wasn't the time. They could have that conversation once things were more settled, once Maura wasn't feeling so out of control emotionally. Instead, she said, "Yes, I've wanted nothing more than to see them again."

"They're amazing, aren't they?" Hope said with a smile.

Maura returned her smile. "They really are," she said softly. "I-I don't even know how to describe…" Maura ran her hand through her hair nervously.

"You don't have to," Hope said. "I understand. I really do."

Maura let out a nervous laugh. If anyone knew what she was feeling, Hope did.

Hope tilted her head in consideration before she asked, "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," Maura said, her eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

Hope paused when the waitress returned with their drinks and to take their lunch order.

Maura's eyes returned to Hope's, urging her to continue.

"Why didn't you leave the girls – your daughters – why didn't you leave them with family?"

"Wh-what?" Maura stuttered, unsure if she had heard Hope correctly.

"You have to have known that I would have taken them and raised them in a second, and if you wanted someone younger, Cailin would have loved to have raised them," Hope said desperately.

"Cailin was still in school," Maura said firmly, the anger in her voice rising, "but that's not the point. There is nobody in this world that I trust more than Jane. Jane is family."

"I know that you were close to Jane before you had to leave, but she can't replace your real family," Hope tried again.

Maura gave her head a small shake in attempt to clear her thoughts. She decided that she needed to steer the conversation away from this topic. She needed to talk to Jane before she could talk to Hope about this. "Well, Jane was the person I wanted to raise them if I couldn't," Maura said, and her voice left no room for argument.

Hope sighed. "I suppose it doesn't matter now," she said dejectedly. "What's done is done. All that matters now is that you're home."

Maura opened and closed her mouth a few times, still trying to get over her shock. "I-I…yes, I'm home now," Maura said blankly.

"Tell me about Sophie," Hope redirected.

Maura nodded absently. "Yes, okay, yes…well, Sophie is three years old. She's a few months younger than Harper. Her birthday is in January. She's very outgoing – completely unlike me – and she's very smart…"

"Just like you," Hope cut in with a smile.

Maura let out a light laugh. "She's very excited to be here. I think her favorite part is that she now has three sisters," Maura added with a smile, but her smile faltered when she saw the look on Hope's face.

"Don't you think it might be confusing for her if you refer to Harper as her sister?" Hope said slowly.

"I'm not sure what's confusing about calling her sister her sister," Maura said indignantly.

"Maura, I know you know that Harper isn't Sophie's sister legally or biologically," Hope tried again. "Don't you think that you should focus on building Sophie's relationship with Emma and Finn?"

Maura could not believe what she was hearing. She must have misunderstood Hope's words.

"Okay, well, I believe that love is what makes a family," Maura said as politely as possible, her mind grasping on Jane's words from the other night. "Emma, Finn, and Harper are Sophie's sisters, and Jane and I plan to raise them as such – as sisters because that's what they are."

"Maura, I'm not sure that's the best idea…" Hope trailed off at the look on Maura's face.

Maura paused. She squeezed her eyes shut and rubbed her hand across her face in frustration. "Jane has always been there for me," Maura hissed fiercely. "She has been my biggest and most consistent support since we became friends. She was the person I called when you told me that you wanted nothing to do with me, and she is the person I wanted to raise my children if I couldn't. When I needed her most – when I needed someone to love and care for my children, she did so without hesitation. Not only did she love them as her own, which was more than I could ask for, but she also made sure they knew how much I loved them. Jane is Emma, Finn, Harper, and Sophie's mother, and Harper is Sophie, Emma, and Finn's sister."

Hope visibly bristled when Maura mentioned her initial rejection, but it didn't stop her from continuing. "Listen to me," Hope said, her anger rising to rival Maura's, "you need to stop letting your admiration or affection or whatever it is for Jane cloud your judgement. You are Emma, Finn, and Sophie's mother – their only mother, and you will regret it if you don't establish that fact now. Yes, Jane has loved Emma and Finn in your absence, but do you really think that Jane is good for them long term? What are you going to do – shuttle the kids back and forth like divorced parents? Besides, Harper's a bad influence. You're not going to want her around your children as they get older."

Maura shook her head in disbelief. She had so many things she wanted to say in response to Hope's monologue, but it was the last part that confused her the most. "What do you mean Harper is a bad influence?" she finally asked.

Hope sighed. Maybe she was getting through to Maura, she thought. "She's Jane's child," Hope said simply. "You know how reckless and impulsive Jane can be. Harper is the same way. It can be cute in a three-year-old, but in a teenager, it can be dangerous. What if she leads Sophie into trouble? What if she gets Emma, Finn, or Sophie hurt?"

"I can't believe what I'm hearing right now," Maura said in disbelief. "Harper is a wonderful little girl, and Jane is a wonderful mother and my best friend in the world. You know what? This lunch is over. I'm leaving." Maura quickly stood up and left the café without another word. She didn't stop until she got back to the car. As soon as she closed the car door behind her, the tears came hard and fast.

She sat in her car sobbing for a while. When she had cried so much that she was sure there were no tears left in her body, she took a deep breath. She did her best to clean up her face, but her eyes were still bloodshot and red-rimmed, and her face was blotchy. What was she going to do now? She couldn't go home. She couldn't face Jane. Jane. Why hadn't Jane warned her? Hope's feelings and opinions didn't seem to be new, so Jane must have known. How could Jane not tell her? How could Jane send her into lunch unprepared?

Maura rubbed her face again before she pulled out her phone. She needed to talk to someone, but who could she call? She scrolled through her contacts, and quickly came upon her mother's name. She knew instantly that her mother was the person she needed right now. Sure, her mother hadn't always been comforting in the past, but she seemed different now. More importantly, Constance, as an adoptive mother herself, could probably shed some insight on everything Hope had said.

Maura clicked on Constance's name, pulling up her contact card with the intention of calling her. However, when she noticed the Boston address listed wasn't far away, she decided it would be better to talk to her in person.

Maura pulled out of her parking spot and drove in the directions of her parents' Beacon Hill home.