Chapter 23: Hope

A/N: This chapter includes flashbacks to season three. Scenes/conversations from those episodes are obviously not mine.

Maura: Summer, Eleven Years Ago

Maura was surprised to hear a knock at her front door. She wasn't expecting anyone tonight, and if it were Jane – or any of the Rizzolis really – they would just walk in.

She was surprised when she opened the door to see Cailin Martin. "Cailin, hi," she greeted the eighteen-year-old. "Come in." Maura stepped aside to allow Cailin to enter.

Cailin immediately walked into the house, and Maura could tell she was upset. When Cailin got to the living area, she quickly turned back to Maura and asked, "Do you know at the name 'Cailin' means?"

Maura wasn't sure where the teen was going with this. "No," she answered.

"It means 'uncertain,'" Cailin said angrily. "That's the name that my mother picked for me. 'Maura' means 'great.'"

"Yes, I know," Maura said slowly.

"That's the name she picked for you," Cailin said, her voice full of emotion, and Maura finally understood why Cailin was here – she had figured out who Maura was.

"Cailin, please let me explain," Maura tried.

But Cailin wasn't listening. She had come here with a purpose. "Can you explain why you called my mother out of the blue with some bullshit story?" she snapped.

"This is very complicated," Maura tried again to get a handle on the situation. She could feel the tension in the room and for all of the improvements she had made in social interactions over the past few years, she was out of her depth now. Cailin was angry, and they were both emotional.

"She's trying to bond with me now, since I'm dying," Cailin continued. "You know, make up for all those years she wasn't there."

"You're not going to die," Maura said quickly, but she knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as the words left her mouth.

Cailin stepped closer to Maura, pointing her finger at Maura's chest as she mocked her mother's words, "'Don't…don't do what I did, Cailin.'" Cailin scoffed. "Right. Like I'm gonna have time to…fall in love…get pregnant…have a baby…hold that baby once before she dies." Cailin paused as she walked further into Maura's house. When she noticed the drawing of Hope crying at Maura's grave – the picture that had helped BPD catch Paddy Doyle – she asked, "You, um…you put it back up. I went snooping. I found it in the bathroom. I mean, it is my mother, isn't it? And that's…that's your gravestone…which is weird because…you look okay to me," Cailin said, her voice laced with contempt.

Please just let me explain," Maura tried to interject, but her voice sounded weak, even to her own ears. "I didn't mean for any of this to…"

But Cailin cut her off, "Do you have any idea what it's like to grow up in the shadow of a dead baby?! I was never enough!"

"You are more than enough," Maura said fiercely. If there was one thing she knew, it was that Hope loved Cailin. "She loves you. I know you think I should have told her…I should have told the both of you, but I…"

Cailin had had enough. "Yeah," she said dismissively. "Yeah."

"I want to help you," Maura said.

"I don't want your help!" Cailin screamed. "And I don't want your kidney, either." Cailin paused to take in Maura's reaction. "Yeah. Yeah, I…I thought that was you. You just…you don't get a match like that from a stranger." Cailin stopped when they both heard the sirens outside.

"Cailin, please, don't throw your life away because of what you think of me," Maura pleaded.

"I don't want any part of you living in me," Cailin sneered, and Maura could feel the hatred radiating off the girl.

The front door opened behind them and Hope came rushing into the house. "Cailin!" she exclaimed. Letting out a sigh of relief at finding her daughter safe and unharmed, Hope looked at the two women standing in front of her. She noticed their distraught faces and the tears shining in both of their eyes. "What is going on?"

"You followed me?" Cailin scoffed.

"Well, you took our car," Hope defended.

"So you called the police?!" Cailin said exasperatedly.

"Well…" Hope started, but Maura cut her off.

Stepping past Cailin, Maura spoke directly to Hope. "Hope…there's something I need to tell you. I'm Paddy Doyle's daughter."

"What?" Hope said, pulling Cailin close to her when the teen came to stand next to her.

"I'm your daughter," Maura said with a sign. "I know that must be strange to hear…"

"Don't say that!" Hope exclaimed angrily. "This is my daughter," Hope said, pulling Cailin even tighter against her.

"Paddy told you that I died at birth," Maura tried again. "I am not looking to be your daughter. I…I have a mother and a father. I just wanted you to know…"

"Just stop!" Hope screamed at Maura. "I don't know who you are or what you want, but I've had just about as much as I can bear." Turning towards the door, she pulled Cailin with her. "Cailin. Honey. Let's just go." Hope and Cailin left without another word, but Cailin looked back at Maura one last time before she walked out the door.

As soon as the door closed behind her biological mother and sister, a choking sob escaped from Maura.

It was weeks before Maura heard from Hope again. When Hope showed up unexpectedly at the precinct, Maura was both shocked and unsurprised. She knew she should have expected this – Cailin still needed a kidney after all – but she wasn't ready. On Jane's suggestion, she asked Hope to make an appointment. However, when she found Hope waiting for her later that day, she knew it was no use to continue to try to avoid the inevitable conversation.

"Dr. Martin," Maura greeted coldly. "Didn't you get my message? I'm very busy today."

"Yes, I did," Hope said cautiously. "But I would really like to talk to you."

Maura sighed. She wanted to say no. She wanted to tell Hope to leave, but she couldn't do it. "What do you want to talk about?"

"When we met…I said that I felt a strange kinship with you," Hope started.

Maura found that to be a bit of a low blow given everything that had transpired since that first conversation. "You also said that conceiving me was the biggest mistake of your life," Maura reminded her coldly.

"I'm sorry that I said that," Hope pleaded. "Maura, I had no idea. Paddy told me that our baby died. And I visited the grave."

Maura looked down at her laptop while Hope was talking and pulled up one of the many news articles about her relation to Paddy Doyle. "You're really trying to tell me that you've never seen any of this? Paddy Doyle's capture was international news," Maura said as she turned the laptop so that Hope could see the screen.

"I closed the door on that part of my life," Hope tried.

"Well…at least your eighteen-year-old had the guts to confront me," Maura snapped. "You just denied your life. The Harvard girl who got seduced by the…the evil thug. And then you ran." Maura let out a humorless laugh.

"I'm…very sorry," Hope said weakly, knowing that it wasn't enough.

"I had this…this stupid little-girl fantasy…that when we met, you'd be…everything that you are. But you'd want me. You'd be very happy to know that I was alive," Maura admitted, the anger and hurt evident in her voice.

"I reacted badly," Hope weakly defended herself.

"'Badly'?" Maura scoffed. "You accused me of lying. You told me that I wasn't your daughter. I actually think that you asked me what I wanted from you."

"Yes, I did," Hope admitted.

"And now you're back," Maura stated. With another humorless laugh, she asked, "Do you see Paddy Doyle when you look at me? Do you see evil?"

"No," Hope replied firmly. "And I saw so much good in your father."

"Paddy Doyle's not my father," Maura interrupted.

"I loved him. And he was the…still is…the most complicated…intelligent, damaged human being that I've ever met."

"Why are you here?" Maura asked even though she knew the answer.

"Cailin," Hope said honestly, and Maura had to admit that her honesty was at least refreshing, even if it hurt.

"Well…I know what I should do…give you my kidney to save your daughter. But I'm your daughter, too," Maura said emotionally in an unspoken plea for Hope to accept her, to love her, to want her.

"I know that I have no right to ask you," Hope replied.

"You don't," Maura said, her voice hardening as she said it. "I think you should go."

Maura watched as Hope nodded and left her office before she sat heavily in her chair.

Maura: June, Present Day

Maura's eyes instantly landed on Hope when she and Jane reentered the gymnasium after looking at Emma and Finn's 'All About Me' posters. She had been angry when she first saw Hope when they arrived, but she was livid now that she saw Hope talking to Sophie and Harper.

In that moment, all the times she had felt rejected by Hope flooded her mind. Yes, they had made significant improvements in their relationship in the years before she left Boston, but she had never been able to completely let go of Hope's initial reaction to Maura telling her that she was her daughter. Maura had spent a lot of time thinking about both Hope and Paddy's situations all those years ago when she had been pregnant and given up her own daughters. After leaving Emma and Finn with Jane, she had a new appreciation for what her biological parents had gone through. She had to admit that she hated Paddy a little less for what he did, even though she would never fully forgive him. But she understood the pain and difficulty of keeping your children safe at all costs.

On the other hand, she had a harder time understanding Hope's reaction. Maybe (maybe – she really wasn't sure yet) she could understand Hope reacting poorly in the moment when Maura first told her that she was her daughter – she had thought that Maura was dead. Maura at least knew (for the most part) that her kids were not only alive but loved. However, she could never understand why it took Hope so long to apologize and try to build a relationship with her. Maura would do just about anything to have a relationship with Emma and Finn – the only thing she wouldn't do is put them, Sophie, or Harper in danger.

Maura marched over to Hope, pulling Jane along behind her. Maura stopped abruptly in front of Hope, who made the mistake of standing up while still holding Sophie. Never one to be left out, Harper reached out her arms for Jane to pick her up, and Jane did.

"Hello, Hope," Maura said coldly. "Could I have a word with you, privately?"

Hope nodded. Without asking, Maura took Sophie from Hope. She was trying with everything that she had to not let her anger, hurt, and discomfort affect the girls, and she knew she was failing. She whispered to Sophie, "Can you please stay with Jane?" When Sophie nodded, Maura handed Sophie to Jane, purposely avoiding making eye contact with Jane.

Maura led Hope to the far side of the room where she knew the kids wouldn't be able to hear their conversation.

"I didn't start the conversation with Harper and Sophie," Hope said quickly before Maura could say anything. Maura crossed her arms in front of her chest defensively but didn't say anything. Hope took the chance to continue her explanation, "Harper brought Sophie over to me and introduced us. What did you want me to do, ignore them?"

Maura huffed, and she closed her eyes as she squeezed the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. She wasn't sure what to think. She had been sure that Hope had purposely gone behind her back to meet Sophie. It hadn't even occurred to her that Harper had started the conversation. Maybe she should have expected it – Harper hadn't missed an opportunity to introduce Sophie to anyone they'd come in contact with. Still, this didn't fully assuage her anger.

"No, of course not," Maura relented.

"I didn't say anything you or Jane wouldn't like to Sophie or Harper," Hope said, and Maura noticed the contempt in Hope's voice when she said Jane's name. "I made a mistake at lunch yesterday. I understand that I shouldn't have brought this up so quickly after you came home. I just…"

"No," Maura said fiercely, "you shouldn't have said any of the things you said about Jane and Harper ever. It's not…I…I don't…I can't understand how you could even believe any of the things you said let alone that you thought it was appropriate to say them. Just…just please leave. We're not doing this here. This isn't the time or the place for this conversation."

Hope sighed. "Can we try lunch again?" she asked.

"I-I don't know," Maura tripped over her words. "I know we need to have an actual conversation, but don't think for a second that that means that I'm okay with any of the things you said."

"I just want you to hear me out," Hope said slightly desperately.

"You're not going to change my mind," Maura said firmly, "and you're not going to be in my children's lives, in my family's lives unless you make some major changes."

"Just a lunch, Maura," Hope pleaded. "All I'm asking for is one uninterrupted conversation at the appropriate time and place."

"Fine, but I'll text you when I'm ready," Maura conceded.

"Okay," Hope replied.

"But you need to leave now," Maura said. "I don't want you here, and I don't want you talking to my kids right now."

"Can't I just see Emma and Finn?" Hope tried.

"No," Maura said. "They know you were here. That's what matters. Please just do this for me. Please leave."

Hope nodded and turned on the spot towards the exit. Maura made her way back to her waiting family. Her emotions were still all over the place, but when she saw the four girls dancing happily with each other, she couldn't help but smile.

"You okay?" Jane said so that only Maura could hear her when Maura reached her.

"I don't know what I am," Maura said. "But now's not the time to deal with it. We need to get the kids to t-ball."

"Yeah, we're ready," Jane said to Maura. Then, she spoke more loudly so that the kids would here, "Come on, it's time to go. You guys have t-ball games this evening."

"But we don't have our stuff!" Finn said suddenly.

"I have all of your stuff in the car, so let's go," Jane said as she tried to herd the kids out the door.

Maura sighed tiredly as she followed her family out of the school. The kids were happy – that's what mattered most. She wasn't ready to deal with Hope yet. It was too much. Even though things had been going well with Jane and the kids, Maura was still feeling extremely overwhelmed. Her emotions had swung between the lows of her deep-seated fear of rejection to the highs of seeing her children healthy and happy and finally taking the next step with Jane.

Maura could feel Jane glancing over at her at every stop sign or stop light as they drove to the park for the girls' t-ball games. Maura hadn't said a word to Jane since they left the school, and she had only spoken to the girls when they had talked to her directly. Maura wasn't mad at Jane, not at all, but she didn't know how to articulate how she was feeling. She knew that she would only make it worse by shutting Jane out, but she couldn't help it. She didn't want to hide from Jane, but she could feel herself shutting down, and she didn't know how to stop it. The fact that the girls were in the car and they couldn't talk about it now only made it that much easier for Maura to rebuild the walls that Jane had so easily penetrated.

It was easy to avoid Jane throughout the evening. Even though the situation with Hope was eating away at her, she was still able to enjoy the evening with the girls. Sophie was beyond ecstatic to be able to play in and actual game, and she was extremely excited to watch Emma and Finn's game as well. When they went for ice cream with Frankie, Nina, and their kids, Maura watched as Sophie interacted with her sisters and cousins. It seemed like the six kids had known each other their entire lives. Despite the fact that Maura knew that Emma, Finn, and Harper were close to Michael and Bella while Sophie barely knew them, Sophie was never left out of anything. If you didn't know that Sophie had just met the five other kids, you would never be able to tell.

By the time they had bathed and put all four kids to bed that evening, Maura was exhausted, and she was too emotional and too ashamed to face Jane. Jane, who had finished saying goodnight to the kids first, was walking up the stairs as Maura closed the door to Harper and Sophie's room behind her.

"Hey," Jane said quietly and gently. "Can we talk?" Jane shifted the box she was carrying to her other hand as she leaned against the banister to talk to Maura.

Maura crossed her arms in front of her chest protectively. She hated herself for closing herself off emotionally and physically from Jane. None of this was Jane's fault. Jane deserved better.

Maura shook her head. "I can't," she said weakly as the tears threatened to fall. "I just…I just need to be alone right now. I'm sorry, Jane."

Jane's shoulders sunk, and her gaze fell to the floor. Maura knew she was trying to hide her disappointment and hurt. Maura's heart broke at the knowledge that she was the one doing this to Jane.

"Yeah, of course," Jane said with a small shake of her head. "Um, just wait here…" Maura watched as Jane quickly ran into her room. She returned still holding the box, but this time, she also had her iPad. "Here," she said, shoving both into Maura's hands. "There's no TV in the guest room…in your room…so if you want to watch something, it'll at least be better on the tablet than on your phone. The passcode is Emma and Finn's birthday."

"Thank you," Maura said, looking down at the items in her hands. "What's the box?"

"I forgot about it," Jane said. "I just went to the basement to put Emma and Finn's graduation certificates – it feels wrong to call them diplomas. Anyway, I put them in their boxes, and I found this," she said pointing to the box in Maura's hands. "It's just…well, I was going to show you, but you should just look at it. If you want…" Jane trailed off nervously.

"Thank you," Maura whispered.

"Uh, do you want to use the master bathroom? All your stuff's in there. I can, um, I can run downstairs to close up," Jane said.

"Thanks," Maura said, avoiding eye contact with Jane. "I'm just going to put these on my bed. I'll be quick. I promise."

"No hurry," Jane said, and Maura remained frozen in place while she watched Jane start going back downstairs.

"Jane," Maura called out when Jane was about halfway down the stairs. Jane stopped and looked up at her. "I'm sorry. I know we should talk, but I…"

"It's okay, Maur. Really. Just don't hide from me forever, okay?" Jane added with a sad smile, and without waiting for a response from Maura, she went the rest of the way downstairs and into the kitchen, out of Maura's sight.

A/N: A bit of a transition/uneventful chapter for your Friday night. More to come soon!