Chapter 24: Letters

A/N: NSFW

Maura: Christmas Eve, Six and a Half Years Ago

Maura pushed herself off the bed for what felt like the 50th time that day. She rubbed her hand over her protruding belly as she made her way to the bathroom. She already felt huge, and despite everything she knew about the human body, she was having a hard time believing that there was any room left for the babies to grow, let alone for another twelve to fifteen weeks. She was twenty-five weeks pregnant, and the pregnancy had really started to take a toll on her physically over the past week or two.

Her first trimester had been extremely difficult as she dealt with morning sickness and mood swings all while trying to adjust to her new reality and make some of the most difficult decisions of her life. She had been able to negotiate a delay in the trial until after she gave birth. She refused to do anything to put her children in danger, and that included letting the Salvagio family find out about their existence.

She had felt significantly better – physically at least – throughout her second trimester, but now that she was nearing her third trimester, the exhaustion was significantly impacting her well-being. The loneliness was also starting wear on her; although, that part had been hard since the beginning.

This was the first Christmas in years that she would spend alone. She missed Jane every single day, but the holidays were even harder. It didn't help that she spent nearly all her time alone with nowhere to go. She had forced herself to maintain a strict schedule in order to maintain her physical and mental health, something that had been easier in the summer and fall when she could take long walks outside. Maine was beautiful, but it was also very cold in the winter.

Maura groaned as she lifted herself from the toilet. Part of her thought she should just stay there since one of the babies was bound to kick her bladder forcing her to return to the bathroom yet again within the next 15-20 minutes.

She sat on the edge of the bed, leaning back on one hand while the other rubbed over her bump. "You guys are really active today," she said quietly. "Do you know it's Christmas Eve? No, of course not, but it's a nice thought. Let's pretend that you're excited for Santa Claus to come tonight." Maura giggled when one of the girls gave a particularly hard kick against where she had her hand resting on her belly at the mention of Santa Claus.

"This will probably be our last Christmas together," she continued. "Next year, you'll be with Jane, and I don't know where I'll be. You'll be happy, though. You're gonna love Jane. She's going to be an amazing mom." Maura watched as her tears dripped down her face and landed on her bump, leaving a wet spot on her shirt. "She's going to love you so much, just like I do. You won't remember me, but I hope that, somehow, you will always know how much I love you both."

It was getting too hard to hold herself up with one arm, so Maura shifted so that she was sitting in the bed, leaning against the headboard. She decided that she needed to find something to distract her from her thoughts. Maybe there was a good Christmas movie on. She picked up the remote and started flipping through the channels. When she got to the movie Christmas Vacation, she paused. Jane loved this movie. She forced Maura to watch it every year, while Maura forced Jane to watch White Christmas. It was part of their tradition. They had a number of Christmas traditions, and her heart hurt every time she remembered another one – something else they would never do together. Jane always spent the night at Maura's house on Christmas Eve, and Maura wished that Jane were sitting next to her right now. She knew it was silly, but she couldn't help but wonder if Jane was thinking about her tonight.

Maura: June, Present Day

Maura closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then, she forced herself to move, dropping off the items that Jane had given her in the guest bedroom – which she was still having a hard time thinking of as her bedroom – before she went to use the bathroom.

Maura closed herself into the guest bedroom about fifteen minutes later after completing her nighttime routines. She sat heavily on the bed, staring at the iPad and box sitting in front of her. After a few moments, she moved the iPad to the side. It would probably be better if she just watched some mindless TV and tried to forget about everything. She knew she couldn't avoid it forever, but she could use a break. Still, the pull of the box Jane had given her was stronger than her desire to avoid her emotions.

She slid the box in front of her and stared at it as she continued to stall. It was a beautiful wood box, slightly smaller than a shoebox. Maura traced her finger around the edge of the box before finally taking a deep breath and opening the lid.

Inside was a stack of envelopes, and on top of the envelopes was a piece of scrap paper with an email address and a password. This must be the login information for the email box that Jane had told her about a few days ago – the one that she sent stories and pictures to throughout the girls' childhood. Maura wiped away the few tears that had escaped her eyes off her cheeks as she placed the scrap of paper on the iPad for later.

She took the stack of envelopes out of the box and flipped through them. The envelopes were all the same. They were sealed with what felt like folded paper inside, but nothing was written on any of the envelopes. Maura was confused. She assumed they must be letters from Jane. Maybe Jane had written these until she switched to sending emails?

Maura's hand was shaking as she picked up the first envelope, it continued to shake as she gently unsealed it, and her hands were trembling so hard by the time she removed and unfolded the papers inside that she could barely focus on the words in front of her.

Dear Maura,

You've been gone five months, but not a day has gone by that we haven't missed you. I meant it when I said you were like a daughter to me, and I feel like I lost a piece of my heart. I miss having late-night tea in your kitchen. I miss hosting Sunday dinners in your home. I miss sharing knowing looks with you over our morning coffee while we listen to Janie grumble about whatever was bothering her that day. I miss the hugs you hated but tolerated because you knew how much they meant to me. I miss watching you fit in with my kids like you had always been a part of their lives. But most of all, I miss you. I miss my daughter.

You took me in when I was at my lowest point. You gave Tommy a home when he needed it most. You saved Frankie's life. And I can't even name all the things you've done for my Janie, my baby girl. You've saved her in more ways than I can count. You love her for who she is, and that's all a mother can ask for. You love her as much as I know she loves you. I may have lost a piece of my heart, but she lost a piece of herself. You make her whole in a way no one else ever has.

Wherever you are, whatever made you leave, I hope that you are safe and happy. I hope you know how much you are loved and missed. I hope you never forget what you mean to me and my family. We all move and miss you.

Love,

Angela

P.S. If and when you come home, you can call me Ma.

Maura set the letter to the side. She pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around her legs, and buried her face in her lap. She shook as she cried. She let her grief consume her until it had run its course. When she could finally breathe again, she wiped her face and picked up the next envelope in the box.

Hey Maura,

So Janie asked us to write you a letter for Christmas. You know I'm not really good with words, but since it's for you, I said I'd do it. We all really miss you, especially Janie. Sorry. I wish I knew what to say. I miss our games of chess. I miss just having you around. You're like the sister we didn't know we were missing. I guess I wish I could of told you that before you left. I'm sorry I hit on you so much when we first met. I mean don't get me wrong, you're hot and so smart and pretty much the nicest person I've ever met. I'm sorry because I hate that I ever made you uncomfortable. I should of told you that. A'ight now I'm rambling. Anyway, we all miss you. Me, TJ, Janie, Ma, everyone. We all miss you so much. Sending you lots of love wherever you are.

Tommy

Maura didn't even try to stop the tears as she picked up the next letter. Written in crayon on red construction paper was a letter from TJ. He also drew a picture of two stick people holding hands. He labeled the taller one with long yellow hair, 'Ant Maura' and the shorter one with short brown hair, 'Me.'

Marry Christmas, Ant Maura!

I love you and miss you so much! Wen you come home agan, I can't wait to show you my sience project from skool. Ant Jane helpd me make blood. Not reel blood tho. Ina big tub we put red beeds for red blood sells. wite balls for wite blood sells. little peases of sumting soft for platelets. And lots and lots and lots of water. Ant Jane told me to tell you tat its not a redish bwown stane. I dunno wat tat meens tho.

I love you!

Love, TJ

Maura smiled softly through her tears as she placed TJ's letter on her nightstand. She wanted to get that one framed.

She pulled out the next letter and unfolded it.

My darling Maura,

You asked me once if I would have still taken you if I had known who your biological father was. You've figured out by now that I did know that Patrick was your birth father. However, I've still always regretted that I didn't answer your question. Instead, I got defensive. I told you that your father and I are your parents because we raised you. What I should have said is that there is absolutely nothing that would have stopped me or your father from adopting you. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I was in love. You are my daughter, and you mean the world to me.

However, the biggest regret of my life is that I ever gave you a reason to doubt how much you were loved and cherished. I wish we had been around more when you were a child, I wish I would have told you how much you meant to me every single time I saw you, and I wish I would have hugged you and held you close. There is no excuse for my behavior. However, I hope you know that I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought we were doing what was best for you.

Nothing makes me happier than the fact that we have been getting closer over the past few years, but I should have tried harder. I should have visited more. I should have called you more. If I ever get the chance, I'll never make that mistake again.

Your father and I are so proud of you and the person you have become. I don't think you have any idea how extraordinary you are. Wherever you are, I'm sure you're kicking ass! (Please don't tell your father I said that.) My daughter, my light, my love, never forget how much you mean to the people who love you.

All my love,

Mother

Maura laughed as she finished her mother's letter. She had never heard her mother swear, let alone use a phrase like 'kicking ass.'

Hey Maura,

I wanted so badly to hate you when we first met, but you're impossible to hate. Okay, maybe that's not the best way to start this letter. But my point is, I'm glad we've gotten to know each other. Even if I make your life difficult sometimes, I hope you know that I love having a big sister. I still remember when you and Jane stalked me to that coffee shop on campus. I probably should have been creeped out, but I kinda just liked that you cared so much. I wish we'd had more time together.

I applied to medical school. I won't find out for a while where I got in, but I really wanted to call you when I finally pressed submit on my applications. I'm still not sure what I want to specialize in, but I don't think it will be pathology (sorry!).

I miss you, but otherwise, I'm doing okay. Mom's having a hard time, so I try to go home to check on her a lot. I swear she works nearly 24/7, but maybe that's better than sitting at home upset. Sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but since you'll probably never see this, I guess it feels better to pretend to tell you. She just misses you. We both do.

I hope you're okay, Maura.

Love,

Your sister, Cailin

Maura took a deep breath when she saw that the next letter was from Hope. It was short – shorter than any of the other letters.

Maura,

I have loved you since the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. I thought about you every day after I lost you the first time, and I know I will continue to think about you every day until the day I die.

I love you, my daughter.

Mom

Maura continued to read through every letter. There were letters from her father, Frankie, Nina, Vince, Kiki, Kent, and Susie, but the last one in the box was from Jane.

Maur,

I think this is the 23rd time I've started this letter. It seemed like a good idea when I asked everyone to write you letters for Christmas. I mean, I knew I couldn't get them to you, and I told them that, but IDK. Well, it seemed like a good idea until I tried to write mine. I don't know where to start, and honestly, I don't know where to end. There's so much I want to tell you. There's so much I should have told you before you left, and there's so much I've wished I could tell you over the past five months. I guess I should just start with the most important thing, the thing I should have told you years ago:

Maura Dorothea Isles, I'm in love with you. There, I said it – or I guess I wrote it. I love you so much more than I can explain, but I'm going to try. You deserve that at least. Well, you deserve so much more than that. You deserved to know the truth years ago because that's the thing. I've been in love with you for years. This isn't just something I realized now that you're gone. To be honest, I'm not sure when I first realized it, but when I look back over our friendship, I can see all of the times, I should have known. I should have seen it when I was willing to give up everything, including my job, when Paddy took you after you first found out he was your biological father. I should have seen it when it nearly destroyed me not to talk to you when we were fighting after the shooting. I should have seen it when I got insanely jealous that Tommy had the guts to ask you out before I did. I should have seen it when I wanted to kill Ian for breaking your heart even though I hated him (and was insanely jealous once again). I should have seen it when I wanted to keep TJ and raise him with you after he was dropped on your doorstep (although, I have to admit that Tommy's a really good dad, so maybe that wasn't my best idea ever). I did see it by the time I was pregnant and wanted to raise that child with you not Casey. I wouldn't say that was the moment I realized how I really felt about you, but it was soon after. I think being with Casey in general was what made me realize how I felt about you, and I'm sorry for that because you deserved so much better. But I realized that I sure as hell wasn't going to leave you to be with him. I realized that he often felt like a visitor who had overstayed their welcome when he was staying at my apartment, but I never wanted you to leave. It wasn't even possible for you to overstay your welcome because I never wanted you to leave. You were and still are the most important person in my life. I would do anything for you, even if that means living without you (I still won't be happy about it though). I have never and will never love anyone as much as I love you. You are not only my best friend, you are the love of my life.

I love you with all my heart,

Jane

Maura gently placed Jane's letter on top of the others and put the stack of folded letters back in the box. She laid back so that her head was on the pillow and her legs were stretched in front of her, crossed at the ankles. She stared at the ceiling with her hands folded on her stomach. Reading the letters had taken a lot out of her, but it had also been cleansing in a way. It felt a bit like finally getting to have the conversations with everyone she cared about that she wished she could have had before she left seven years ago.

Suddenly, she sat up quickly. She wanted Jane, no she needed Jane. All Jane had ever done was take care of Maura, and Maura had pushed her away. No, she wasn't going to do this to Jane; she wasn't going to do this to any of them. Maura quickly cleaned up her bed. She put the email login information back in the box with the letters; she couldn't handle any more tonight. She'd have to look at the emails another time. She placed the box on her nightstand and turned off the lights in the guest room. She tip-toed down the hall. The house was dark and quiet. It was later than she had realized.

She couldn't see any light on under Jane's door. She stood nervously outside the door, trying to decide whether she should knock or just go back to her own room. She was still trying to make a decision, wringing her hands in front of her, and chewing on her bottom lip when she heard Jane's voice from inside the room, causing her to jump slightly.

"Are you going to just stand outside the door or are you going to come in?" Jane called, and Maura could hear the slight teasing in her voice.

"Oh, uh, sorry," Maura said so quietly she was sure Jane wouldn't be able to hear her. She placed her hand on the doorknob but didn't move to open the door.

"Mauraaaa," Jane whined in a voice so reminiscent of the way Jane had said her name hundreds of times throughout their friendship that Maura couldn't help but smile through her nerves.

As Maura opened the door, she heard Jane sit up in bed and turn on the lamp on her nightstand. Maura stepped into the room, still wringing her hands. "I'm sorry. I just…" Maura started, but before she could finish, Jane made an exaggerated show of pulling down the covers on the other side of the bed and gesturing for Maura to join her.

When Maura finally climbed in beside her, Jane shifted to lay on her side, facing Maura. Maura mirrored her position, pulling the covers up to her shoulders.

"I was hoping you'd come," Jane admitted softly.

"I'm sorry I pushed you away," Maura whispered.

"It's okay. I understand that you need alone time. I wasn't mad, and I wouldn't have been mad even if you stayed away all night. But I'm still glad you came. Even though you were just down the hall, I missed you." Jane reached out and rubbed her hand on Maura's upper arm.

"Honestly, I missed you, too," Maura said as she shifted closer to Jane. Maura slid her arm under Jane's and around Jane's waist, pulling her close. Jane responded instantly, wrapping her arm around Maura's shoulders, returning the embrace. Their lips met in a soft kiss.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jane asked when their lips finally separated, but they remained in each other's embrace.

"About Hope or the letters?" Maura asked, her eyes searching Jane's face.

"Either. Both," Jane said.

"There's not much to say about Hope. Nothing's really changed. She said that Harper started the conversation, that she brought Sophie over to introduce her. I believe her, but that doesn't change anything really. She can't be a part of our lives unless she made some major changes." Maura sighed. "I know you get a say in this, too, but I…" Maura trailed off.

"Hey, it's okay," Jane said, pulling Maura impossibly closer and resting their foreheads together. "It's not that I particularly want Hope in our lives. I was just trying to do what was best for the kids. We'll figure it out."

Maura nodded. "She wants to meet for lunch again," she continued. "I probably need to have a full conversation with her."

"You don't owe her or anyone else anything," Jane said.

"I don't feel like I owe her a conversation. I think I need it for myself. Otherwise, I think I'll have a hard time letting go," Maura admitted.

"Then, I think you should," Jane replied.

"In time, I will," Maura said. "But also, you're wrong."

Jane's eyebrows knitted together in her confusion, causing Maura to smirk at her. "I owe you everything," she whispered against Jane's lips before she captured them in a passionate kiss.

Jane moaned into the kiss and pressed her body against Maura's. Maura's body heated up quickly as she got lost in the kiss. Her hands gripped the back of Jane's t-shirt as her hips pushed against Jane's, seeking pressure and friction.

Jane rolled them so that Maura was lying on her back and Jane was straddling Maura's hips. Jane broke their kiss, but she didn't take her eyes off of Maura's face as she sat back and slowly slid Maura's top up her torso and over her head, throwing it to the side. A shiver ran through Maura's body as Jane's hands moved painstakingly slow. When Jane's hands finally found Maura's breasts, Maura's breath hitched and her back arched, pushing into Jane's touch.

Maura's hands fumbled as they searched for the hem of Jane's t-shirt while Jane's hands gently massaged her sensitive breasts. Maura tugged at Jane's shirt until Jane relented, removing her hands from Maura's breasts just long enough for Maura to pull her shirt over her head and discard it over the side of the bed.

Maura let out a loud moan and her hips bucked involuntarily when Jane pinched her hardened nipples. "Harder," Maura panted out with difficulty.

Jane smirked. "Dr. Isles likes it rough?" she teased.

Maura reached up and placed her hand behind Jane's neck, pulling her in for a kiss. "I like pre-ahhh!" Maura cried out when Jane gave her nipples a rough tug before returning to her massage – this time with more pressure. "…pressure. I like pressure," Maura breathed out. She enjoyed the feeling of Jane's hands on her body for a few moments. "So goooooddd," she moaned as Jane continued to play with her breasts while she kissed down Maura's neck.

Maura tugged at Jane's sleep pants. "Off!" she huffed out in frustration. Jane climbed off of Maura, pulling Maura's sleep shorts and panties with her before she removed her own, throwing them to the side.

She moved to return to her previous position, but just as Maura grabbed her face to pull her in for a kiss, Jane said, "Wait!"

Maura froze, and Jane must have seen the fear and hurt that flitted across her face. Jane smiled down at her and leaned over to give her a quick kiss. "I'm not suggesting we stop," she said quickly. "I was just gonna suggest we lock the door."

"Oh," Maura breathed in a sigh of relief. "Good idea," she added as she gave Jane a soft push towards the door. She leaned up on her elbows to watch Jane scamper naked across the room to lock the door.

"Like the view?" Jane teased as she climbed back on top of Maura, kissing her deeply.

"Yes, very much so," Maura said between kisses. "You're more beautiful than I ever thought possible in my fantasies."

"You fantasized about this?" Jane asked before wrapping her lips around Maura's right breast while her hand provided attention to her left.

"Ohhhh, mmmm," Maura moaned. "Yes, I've fantasized about us together many many times." Maura threaded her fingers through Jane's hair and held her close as she pushed her chest further into Jane's mouth.

Jane released Maura's breast with a pop. "Tell me about one of your fantasies," Jane said as she moved to take Maura's other breast into her mouth."

"Oh, god," Maura whimpered. Jane's words combined with the feeling of Jane's mouth, lips, and tongue on her breast was slowly driving her crazy.

Jane pulled her mouth away from Maura's breast, causing Maura to groan in protest. "Don't stop," she protested.

"Are you gonna tell me your fantasy?" Jane teased.

Maura tried to focus on Jane's question, but it was difficult when her body was burning with want. Her hands gripped Jane's arms tightly as she tried to ground herself. "I, um, I don't know," she whined. "There are too many." But this was the wrong thing to say because Jane's eyebrow shot up in interest. "Okay, okay," she said quickly. "Um, I want…I want to come together. I want to come with your fingers deep inside of me while my fingers are buried inside you, bringing you more pleasure than you knew was possible."

"See, was that so hard?" Jane quipped as she captured Maura's lips with her own once again. Their tongues battled for dominance for a few minutes while their hands roamed over exposed skin. Jane moved her kisses along Maura's jaw and down her neck, sucking gently on her pulse point. "And you know, if you tell me your fantasies, they might just come true," Jane whispered in her ear at the same time she thrust two fingers into Maura.

Maura cried out at the intrusion as she thrust her hips hard against Jane's hand. After allowing herself to enjoy the feeling of Jane inside of her for a few minutes, her own hand found its way to Jane's center. Jane's body jerked violently when Maura entered her.

"Fuck, I'm already so close," Jane moaned out as they found an easy rhythm, their hands and hips pumping faster and faster on every thrust.

"Me too," Maura groaned as she wrapped her other arm around Jane's shoulders and held her close, her fingers digging into Jane's back. She could feel Jane's panting breaths against her neck as they continued to move together.

Their movements were becoming more and more erratic. When she felt Jane's walls start to twitch and spasm around her fingers, her own body responded quickly. She could feel her orgasm threatening to explore. "Jane, I'm gonna come," she said thickly.

"I love you, Mauraaaaaaaa-ahhhhhhhhhhh," Jane cried out as her body froze, and every muscle in her body pulsed with her climax. Maura only had to head Jane's words and feel her walls clamp down around her fingers before she quickly followed Jane over the edge.

Their sweaty bodies pressed against each other as they rode out wave after wave of their orgasms together until finally, they collapsed into a boneless heap. Jane shifted off of Maura's fingers as she curled into Maura's side and removed her own fingers from inside of Maura. Maura whimpered slightly at the loss and turned to give Jane a slow loving kiss.

"Better than my fantasy," she whispered against Jane's lips in between kisses. "But next time, I wanna try one of your fantasies."

Jane smiled against her lips. "Deal," she replied before deepening the kiss. They made-out for a few minutes, but they didn't take it any further. Both women were too exhausted to do more.

Jane moved to pull the sheet over their bodies, but Maura stopped her. "Sorry, I have to use the bathroom," she said quickly.

"Actually, me too," Jane said and followed Maura to the bathroom where they took turns washing up and using the toilet.

When they got back to the bedroom, Jane handed Maura her pajamas before putting on her own and unlocking the door. "Personally, I'd rather sleep naked with you, but just in case one of the kids comes looking for us."

Maura smiled as she got dressed. When they climbed back into bed, Jane turned off the light before finding Maura in the middle. Maura wrapped her arm around Jane and gave her a soft, chaste kiss before saying, "Before we got carried away, I wanted to thank you for the letters."

"I honestly wasn't sure if you would want to see them tonight. I had completely forgotten about them until I was in the basement."

"When I first saw them, I wasn't sure if I could handle it or if it would be too much after such an emotional day – an emotional few days, really. But once I finished, I realized that it was exactly what I needed. They were beautiful, and I want to talk about them more, especially yours, but not tonight," Maura said.

"Okay, but just so you know, I don't really remember what I wrote. I've written quite a lot to you over the years," Jane admitted.

Maura smiled and gave Jane another kiss. "That's okay, but enough for tonight. We need sleep," she said.

"Yeah, suddenly, I'm exhausted," Jane said as she let out a yawn. "Come're," she said as she pulled Maura against her, and Maura settled into her favorite position with her head resting against Jane's chest and her arm wrapped around Jane's waist.

"I love you, Jane," she whispered. "Goodnight."

"I love you, too," Jane said with a soft kiss to the top of Maura's head.

A/N: This chapter was SO hard to write, but I'm happy with how it turned out. I know my grammar isn't always perfect, but jeez it's hard to write with especially bad grammar to try to write like all the different characters.

P.S. I think I mentioned it earlier in an author's note, but I'm pretending Susie didn't die because I like writing her character.