Chapter 40: Missing You

A/N: The second part of this chapter was inspired by Recekayla's comment (the first part from present day).

And…I'm still in the midst of my work's busy season, so I'm doing the best I can with chapters. Once I get through this, I will be able to post more regularly again. This is definitely not my best chapter, but I hope the next few will make up for it!

Jane: July, Seven Years Ago

"Maur?!" Jane called out as she walked into her best friend's Beacon Hill townhome. The house was unexpectedly quiet, puzzling Jane. "Maura?!" Jane yelled loudly as she bounded up the stairs. It didn't take long for her to realize that the house was empty. They were supposed to spend the day together, so Jane was concerned.

Jane sat at the island. She dialed Maura's number; it went straight to voicemail. She sent a text; it went undelivered. She repeated this pattern over and over, the time between attempts to contact Maura becoming shorter and shorter as more time passed and her anxiety increased. After 30 minutes, Jane text her mother to see if she had heard from Maura. After an hour, she text Frankie and Nina to find out if they knew when Maura left the Dirty Robber the night before. After two hours, she text Kent and Korsak. After three hours, she decided to head to BPD. After six hours, she broke the law (and quite a few BPD policies) for the first of many times during her search for Maura when she used BPD resources to track Maura's car (which she quickly found near the Dirty Robber) and cell phone (which appeared to be off but last pinged at headquarters in the early hours of the morning).

As the day wore on, her anxiety skyrocketed, but she was able to maintain a façade of calm as more people cut their weekends short to search for Maura. It wasn't till the next morning that Jane finally lost it. Exactly 24 hours after she first realized that Maura was missing, Jane tried to file a missing persons' report, knowing that this was the earliest she could do so. She exploded at the analyst who told her that she couldn't file a missing persons' report since Maura had apparently somehow notified the governor's office that she would be taking a leave of absence. Since Maura wasn't actually required to notify friends that she was leaving, this wasn't enough to file a report. However, Jane was far from convinced.

Jane didn't leave the precinct for the next 18 days, despite everyone's attempts to get her to go home, at least for a short rest and a shower. By day 3, Angela gave up trying to convince her daughter to go home and brought a few changes of clothes and toiletries so that Jane could at least shower at BPD and change into clean clothes.

Jane barely slept, only doing so when she fell asleep at her desk and Frankie carried her to one of the precinct cots. She barely ate; Angela basically had to force feed her, making sure to bring food to BPD three times a day. Even then, Jane only ate a fraction of the food put in front of her.

By day 18, Jane was a shell of herself. Three federal agents arrived at the precinct looking for Jane a little after 9am. To this day, Jane couldn't tell anyone what they said to her. The only thing she retained was that Maura was in witsec and that she – Jane – had to stop looking for her. Without saying a word, Jane walked out of the meeting with the FBI and witsec agents, grabbed her keys, phone, and gun, and walked out of the precinct, shocking everyone.

Jane locked herself in her apartment, ignoring everyone's attempts to contact her for the rest of the week (except for sending her mother the occasional text to let her know she was alive so that Angela didn't send in the cavalry). Finally having had enough, Angela, Frankie, Nina, Tommy, and Korsak showed up at her apartment that Sunday for what could only be described as an intervention.

"Janie, Maura wouldn't want you to do this to yourself," Angela said gently to her nearly catatonic daughter, who was curled in the fetal position on the couch. "What's Maura going to think if she comes home and you've lost your job?" Angela tried another tactic. "I know you miss your best friend, but this is no way to live."

"Ma, come on" Tommy scoffed. "This isn't how someone reacts to a friend leaving without saying goodbye."

Every face in the room whipped in Tommy's direction in shock.

"You're all thinking it. I just had the balls to say it," he added slightly defensively.

Frankie sighed and sat down next to his mother on the coffee table facing Jane. "Jane, Tommy might be an ass," Frankie said as gently as possible before shooting his brother a dirty look, "but he's right. Maybe it would help if you talked about how you're feeling. You're in love with Maura."

Jane tried to stop the tears burning her eyes, but she couldn't. "I never told her," she choked out before burying her face in her arms and finally letting out the tears she had been holding in for the past three weeks. Her entire body shook as sobs wracked her. Angela moved to the couch and wrapped her arms around her daughter as best she could, trying to hold together the broken pieces of her heart.

Everyone remained silent as Jane let everything go. Angela let her own tears flow freely but silently down her face. Nina furiously brushed at her eyes to stop the tears threatening to fall. Frankie stood up, pulled Nina into a tight embrace, and turned his face away from the rest of his family – only Nina was privy to the stray tears Frankie couldn't stop as he grieved for his sister and friend. Korsak stared at his hands in a futile attempt to hold his composure, and Tommy had to turn away, looking out the window, to keep calm.

"She knew, baby," Angela whispered into her daughter's hair. "She knew how much you loved her."

Jane: June, Present Day

Jane tried to fight the wakefulness that was trying to pull her from her peaceful sleep to no avail. Her consciousness returned but she refused to open her eyes as she pulled the warm, very naked body of her girlfriend closer to her.

Maura was curled in her arms as Jane spooned her from behind. Jane was thoroughly enjoying the skin-to-skin contact. She knew they'd have to get dressed soon or risk the girls banging on the (thankfully) locked door forcing them to scramble for clothes. However, she could tell by the lack of light permeating her eyelids that it was still early, so she just snuggled closer to Maura and buried her face in the crook of Maura's neck.

"Mmmm," Maura hummed. She didn't move other than to find Jane's hands and link their fingers together before pulling their clasped hands up to her chest.

"I like this," Jane mumbled into Maura's hair.

Maura chuckled before she rolled over in Jane's arms. She slid her arms around Jane and pulled her close so that their bodies were pressed together, and their faces were nearly touching. "There are many benefits of skin-to-skin touch," Maura said. "Actually, any consensual touch, even with clothes, has been shown to have many benefits to physical and mental health. Touch activates the body's pressure receptors, which causes the body to release oxytocin. This can reduce current stress as well as aid in future stress management. Some research suggests that intimate touch with a loved one may have more health benefits than orgasms."

"Well, we could just get the benefits of both, you know," Jane whispered seductively.

"Actually, to truly reap the benefits of both, you need to engage in both activities separately. Physical touch in pursuit of orgasm increases your heartrate and tension in the body more generally – in a good way, of course. This type of physical touch, such as cuddling or hugging, works by relaxing your body – reducing tension and heartrate. That's not to say that there aren't benefits of foreplay and post-coital cuddling…" Maura explained until Jane cut her off with a kiss.

"Thanks, google," Jane quipped when they separated. However, despite her teasing, she really had missed Maura's passionate and informative rambling.

Maura blushed slightly. "Sorry," she muttered as she buried her face against Jane's chest and held her close. "What I meant to say was I like this too."

Jane chuckled, and the feeling of Jane's laughter against her body sent a shiver through Maura. Jane left a soft kiss on the top of Maura's head as she ran her hands up and down Maura's back. They stayed like that for a while, just enjoying the feeling of being together.

It was Maura who broke the silence first. Without lifting her head, she said, "I've been thinking about our conversation yesterday, and I was wondering…" Maura paused before continuing, "Did you ever think about what it might be like if I came back?"

"Are you really asking that? I thought about you coming back all the time – probably pretty close to every day to be honest," Jane said, slightly confused by Maura's question. Did Maura really think that Jane didn't think about her coming home?

"Sorry, I know you thought about it. What I meant was, did you think about the worst-case scenario or the best-case scenario?" Maura asked. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, of course," she added quickly.

"I was terrified that something would happen to you – that you would be hurt…or worse," Jane admitted quietly. "My years of nightmares made that quite clear."

"I'm sorry, Jane. I didn't mean to bring up…"

"Nah, it's okay," Jane quickly cut her off. "I'm guessing that wasn't really what you meant anyway."

"No, I suppose I was asking within the context of me remaining alive, safe, and relatively healthy," Maura said.

"I didn't talk about it or think about it quite as systematically as you did," Jane said slowly. "But, yeah, I mean, I definitely thought a lot about the different possibilities, and I talked about them a lot with my therapist."

"You don't have to tell me," Maura said, misinterpreting Jane's hesitancy.

"I wasn't speaking slowly because I didn't want to tell you," Jane replied. "I was just thinking. I mean, you already know this, but my biggest worst-case scenario was that you were going to take the girls."

"Oh, Jane," Maura said quietly as she lifted her face to look at Jane. "I never…"

Jane shook her head. "It's more about my own insecurities than anything about you," Jane tried to assure Maura.

Maura brought her right hand up to push some stray curls behind Jane's ear before cupping her face and gently caressing Jane's cheek with her thumb. She used her left had to pull Jane impossibly closer to her. "Except the things I said about wanting to know my biological family …"

Jane cut her off. "No, Maura. It's not…please don't blame yourself. For weeks, maybe even months, I talked about that conversation in therapy. It took a while, but eventually, my therapist helped me see that I was just using that as a way to try to rationalize my feelings. It was much more about the fact that I'd already lost the person I loved the most – that's you in case you didn't get that – and I was terrified of losing the other most important people in my life," Jane explained emphatically. "And Maura, the last thing I want is for you to feel like you can't share your feelings with me because you're afraid of how it might affect me."

Maura nodded, but Jane wasn't sure if she was convinced. Jane kissed the tip of Maura's nose, causing a smile to tug at her lips.

Maura's thumb continued to stroke comfortingly across Jane's cheek as Jane continued, "I was also afraid that you would be disappointed in how I was raising them or that you would regret choosing me."

"I don't, Jane," Maura said gently. "Nothing could be further from the truth. I have a lot of regrets, but you will never be one of them. I do not regret leaving Emma and Finn with you, I do not regret that you are mama to all of my children, I do not regret a single moment of our friendship, and I do not regret becoming more than friends. And I never will."

Jane nodded, but the tears threatening to fall were making it too difficult to respond with words.

"You are everything I have ever wanted in a co-parent and a partner," Maura continued. "And you've raised three amazing little girls. Do you think I would have wanted you to become Sophie's mama so quickly if I was at all disappointed in your parenting?"

"No," Jane gasped out along with a teary laugh. "We are talking about what I considered to be the worst-case scenarios before you came home, though."

"I know, but I can also hear the uncertainty in your voice. Part of you is still concerned," Maura said kindly.

Jane let out a sigh as she leaned her forehead against Maura's. "I was also afraid that if you did come home, I would be too late," Jane admitted so quietly that Maura would have missed it if their faces hadn't been so close.

Maura's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "What do you mean too late?" she asked.

"I promised myself years ago that if I ever saw you again, I would tell you how I felt about you, but I wouldn't have done so if you had been with someone. I would never ruin your happiness. So, I guess, selfishly, I was afraid that you'd come home married.

"But honestly, Maura, my biggest fear, other than something happening to you, was that you wouldn't come home – that I would never see you again," Jane said as fresh tears began to flow.

Maura didn't respond. Instead, she buried her face in the crook of Jane's neck as she held on to the love of her life with everything she had.

Maura: June, Present Day

The next two weeks passed in a whirlwind of playdates at the park, trips to the library, and more than one shopping trip (to Jane's displeasure).

Everything was going wonderfully. All four kids were happy and healthy, Sophie was adjusting well, Emma and Finn were opening up more to Maura, and Harper was still over-the-moon to have another sister.

Maura and Jane's relationship was also going well. They hadn't had any major arguments, and they made love regularly – maybe not as much as Maura had in previous relationships, but alone time was hard to come by with four young kids.

Maura was happy – really, truly happy. And yet, she couldn't help but feeling like something was still missing. She couldn't put her finger on it. Every time she tried to determine what was off, she was at a loss. Yes, it was true that she hadn't reached out to Hope yet, but she really didn't think that's what it was about.

Whatever was missing, it was more central to her life than her relationship with Hope. Every time she tried and failed to figure out what it was, she ended up deciding that she must just be grieving the lost time with Jane and the girls. She had even mentioned it to her new therapist, but they hadn't gotten very far. She had only had a few appointments, and much of their time together was spent going over Maura's extensive history. Despite this, Maura was actually very pleased with the therapist that Jane's therapist had recommended – she seemed like a good fit.

Emma and Finn had also each had their first individual sessions, and they had all had one family therapy session. Maura was glad that Jane was not only open to family and individual therapy, but she was a big proponent of both.

At the moment, Jane was at therapy, Emma and Finn were having quiet reading time, and Sophie and Harper were napping, so Maura had a rare moment of quiet alone time. Maura brewed herself a cup of tea and sat down on the couch with her new iPad (Jane had insisted that Maura needed all the things…a laptop, tablet, car, etc.). She had decided that – in an attempt to figure out what might be bothering her – she was going to finally read some of the emails that Jane had sent to the email account she made. Maura had thought about the emails every day, but she still hadn't worked up the courage to look at the account until now. After typing in the log-in information, Maura was shocked to find that there were over 1,500 unread emails. Apparently, she wasn't going to get through all of them today. She decided to start at the beginning.

The first email was dated April 20th, one month after Emma and Finn were born. It was a picture of them cuddled together, sound asleep with their arms around each other. There wasn't any text in the first few emails other than to identify which girl was which in each photo. All of them contained ridiculously cute photos of the girls from the first three months of Emma and Finn's lives. It wasn't until June of that year that Jane started to write other things in the emails, but they were all stories of some cute thing the girls did that day or something they liked. One email complained good-naturedly about the number of diapers they went through. Another included each of their favorite songs – Emma liked Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star and Finn liked The Itsy, Bitsy Spider – and their favorite toys. She told Maura when they met certain milestones – when they rolled over, sat up, crawled, and walked.

It was when Jane wrote about their first words that she started to write to Maura directly. Both girls' first word had been 'mama,' which didn't surprise Maura. Even though Jane didn't say it directly, Maura could read a little bit of guilt between the lines of the email, but it was the last paragraph that made Maura's heart squeeze:

I tell them about you every single day. I want them to know their mommy (you're mommy and I'm mama if that wasn't clear). I tell them how amazing you are and how much you love them. I also tell them how much you mean to me. I want them to know that their mama loves their mommy. I wish I would have told you, but if I can't tell you, at least I can tell them. I love you, Maura.

Maura wasn't sure when the tears started, but they continued to flow freely as she continued to read through the emails. She could feel Jane's love, as well as her pain in every message she read. She probably would have read through every single email had the girls not woken up from their naps.

A few days later, their house was once again bursting with friends and family. Everyone had arrived for their 4th of July party (or as Jane liked to say, their 1st of July party). The kids were running around the backyard while the adults congregated in small groups both inside the house and on the deck. Jane and Frankie were trying to organize a game of whiffle ball with the kids, so having just refilled her drink, Maura sat on the deck stairs facing the backyard to watch.

After a while, Nina sat down next to Maura. "How are you doing?" Nina asked.

Maura smiled. "I'm so happy to be home," she said genuinely. "I think the past four weeks have been the best weeks of my life."

"It's not hard being home after so long away?" Nina asked. Had anyone else asked, Maura may have been slightly offended. However, she knew that Nina was only asking because she truly wanted to make sure that Maura was okay.

"It has been hard at times, for sure," Maura replied as she continued to watch Jane, Frankie, and the kids in the yard. "But the good has far outweighed the difficult parts."

Nina watched Maura silently for a few minutes, but Maura barely noticed as her attention remained on the group in the yard. She wasn't being rude; it was just nice to spend time together enjoying the afternoon. Therefore, Maura was slightly surprised by Nina's next statement.

"You still miss her," Nina observed. She had been watching Maura watch Jane, Frankie, and the kids, and she had noticed that Maura's attention seemed to continuously return to Jane.

"What?" Maura asked, surprised, as she turned back to face Nina.

"You still miss Jane," Nina repeated gently.

"I…I…yes, I do, but I don't know why," Maura said quietly, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion as Nina's statement sunk in. "I've been feeling like something is still missing, but I couldn't figure out what. Things have been going really well between me and Jane. She's been wonderful, absolutely amazing. She's been open and loving; she's been understanding; she's been my rock. So why do I still feel like I miss her?"

"Have you guys spent any time alone?" Nina asked.

"Yes, we make love frequently," Maura said matter-of-factly. "And we've had some time alone when the kids were at school or camp, as well as during their naps if Emma and Finn decide to read."

Nina chuckled at Maura's bluntness. "But you need to date," she said, deciding to sidestep the conversation about Maura and Jane's sex life to jump right to the point.

"I don't…" Maura started, but she trailed off uncertainly.

"Look, you and Jane have loved each other forever, but you skipped a whole bunch of steps. You essentially went from friends to married with kids," Nina explained.

"We're not married," Maura clarified before realizing that Nina did, in fact, know this. "But I think I get your point."

"You need to date. Ask Angela or your mom to watch the kids for the night. Go out to dinner and spend the evening completely focused on each other. Even married couples that followed a traditional path need to do this. Frankie and I still make sure to go on dates. But I think it's even more important for the two of you."

Maura nodded as she fell deep into thought. "We have put almost all of our energy into the kids and making sure they feel like we're a family, making sure that they have stability. I think because things have been really good between us, I didn't even realize that we weren't focusing on each other at all," Maura admitted.

"I don't think you guys have done anything wrong," Nina clarified. "But you've been apart for seven years; you need to relearn each other. I'm glad things have been good. I just don't want you guys to forget to take care of your relationship until you get to the point that things aren't good anymore. It's definitely easier to maintain a positive relationship that rebuild a broken one."

"Even if it wasn't, I have no desire to experience a broken relationship with Jane," Maura said quietly.

Nina laughed softly. "And I honestly don't think you ever will," she said.

Maura smiled at Nina before returning her attention to the (slightly chaotic) whiffle ball game going on in the backyard.

A/N: Hopefully, none of you are doing the math on the dates in this story. I realized that I calculated the time Maura was gone wrong in the first chapter…oops (I'll fix it eventually). Just so everyone knows where we are, Maura and Sophie returned the first weekend in June (went to Jane's on Saturday, June 3rd). This chapter started a little over two weeks later (Monday, June 19) and took us through the Saturday before the 4th of July (Saturday, July 1). Except for birthdays and holidays, I'll still continue to only identify the month – for birthdays and holidays, I'll include the date – but I figured it would help to orient everyone.

Also, we'll see more of the actual content of the emails in later chapters, so I hope you enjoy that part.