Chapter 44: A New Day
A/N: I wanted to get this next chapter out, so you get two shorter chapters instead of one longer chapter.
Jane: July, Present Day
Jane took one last look around to make sure she was completely alone before she hopped the fence. It was pitch black out, so she was pretty sure no one would notice her. Luckily, she knew exactly where she was going, or she never would have been able to find what she was looking for.
It took a little longer than normal to find it, but when she did, she dropped to the ground in front of it. Maybe she should be creeped out or uncomfortable; she was, after all, alone in a cemetery in the middle of the night. But the truth was, a gentle calm was finally settling over her body. She had been keyed up all night since her fight with Maura.
Jane had tried to calm herself without leaving the house, but after a few hours, she had given up and decided to go for a walk. She hadn't left with the intention of going anywhere specific, but somehow her feet had carried her here, to the Boston Cemetery, to Baby Maura Doyle's empty grave.
Jane used to come here often in the months after Maura's disappearance, but she stopped coming once Emma and Finn were born. At first, it was just because she was busy, but then, it felt weird to visit her daughters' mother's fake grave. Eventually, the koi pond in their backyard – "Maura's place" – had become her new place to feel close to Maura. Tonight, though, she couldn't bring herself to go to the koi pond. Instead, she had ended up here.
Jane read the tombstone for what was probably the 500th time. "Safe from all earthly harm," she read under her breath before scoffing (again, for not the first time), "yeah, right." Jane wished more than anything that she could keep Maura safe from all earthly harm while still keeping her here, healthy, happy, and alive, but she knew that was impossible. What she hated even more was when she – Jane – was the cause of Maura's pain, and she knew she was tonight.
Jane pulled her legs up to her chest, wrapped her arms around them, and buried her face against her knees. Sobs wracked her body, tears fell uncensored, and her entire body shook violently. She had almost let her fear get the best of her…she had almost tried to break up with Maura. That was one of the last things she wanted. The only thing she wanted less was for Maura to be hurt or unhappy.
When her tears finally slowed and her breathing calmed, Jane lifted her head from her lap to once again look at the gravestone in front of her. She had no idea how long she sat there, her mind traveling back through the past fifteen plus years – from meeting Maura in the café under awkward circumstances to their fight after Jane shot Paddy Doyle to Maura's kidnapping to Maura's disappearance and finally to Maura's return (and everything in between).
At this point, Maura was so integral to every part of Jane's life, and sometimes – like tonight – it scared her. They were both right; they didn't know each other the same way that they used to, and they had moved from not seeing each other for seven years to basically married with kids. That didn't mean Jane regretted it though, and it didn't mean that she wanted to take a step back. Maybe, though, they needed to be more intentional in getting to know each other. Jane rolled her eyes at herself. She never thought she'd be such a believer in the methods she'd learned in therapy.
Jane realized that she had been in the cemetery all night when she saw the first peak of sunlight on the horizon. She stood up, cleaned herself off the best she could, and snuck back out of the cemetery.
When Jane got home, she walked upstairs as quietly as possible. After poking her head into the master bedroom to make sure Maura was still there and asleep, she took a shower in the kids' bathroom.
Just before 6am, Jane crawled into bed next to Maura. She tried her best not to wake the other woman, but she was unsuccessful. Maura rolled over to face her, whispering, "Jane?"
"Hey," Jane said quietly. "I'm so sorry, Maura."
Maura blinked a few times before offering Jane a small, sad smile. "I was worried when you didn't come to bed," she admitted sadly.
"I know," Jane replied just as sadly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have stayed away so long. I just needed time to think."
Maura closed her eyes as tears burned behind her eyelids, threatening to fall. Maura covered her face with her hands in an attempt to hide her emotions. The look of distress on Maura's face before she hid behind her hands told Jane that her girlfriend had misinterpreted her words.
"Hey, not bad stuff," Jane said gently as she reached out to pull Maura's hands away from her face. "I'm not…I don't want to break up, okay?"
Maura's gaze locked with Jane's, and Jane could see the fear and uncertainty still swirling below the surface as she looked deeply into Maura's wet, hazel eyes. Maura let out a shaky breath of relief. "You scared me," she admitted so quietly that if they hadn't been only inches apart, Jane would have missed it.
"I'm sorry," Jane whispered as her own tears started to fall.
"Come here," Maura said lovingly as she opened her arms. Jane moved into Maura's arms and buried her face in the crook of her neck. Maura wrapped her arms tightly around her love, placing a soft kiss on the top of Jane's unruly curls. "It's okay. I'm sorry, too, Jane," Maura said into Jane's hair. "We both overreacted, I think."
Jane nodded against Maura's chest. "I ruined date night after you put so much thought into planning tonight," she mumbled.
"Oh, Jane," Maura cooed. "I don't care about date night. Of course, I wanted us to have a good time, but one night isn't what's important. What happened at the brewery isn't what scared me. What scared me was what you started to say when we got home. It's okay for you to be angry or upset with me, but please don't run from this, Jane.
"But just so you know, I wasn't going to let you get away that easily," Maura continued as she maintained her tight embrace around Jane. "I knew you needed time…we both did…but I refuse to give up on this, on us.
"Yes, I was looking forward to going on a real date with you. Yes, I wanted tonight to go well. But what I want most is to spend my life with you. I want the laughter and the fights, the smiles and the tears, the good times and the bad ones, too. I want to love you, and I want to be the person you run to not from. I want to be your safe place in the storm. I want to be your home. I want to be the person you know you can trust no matter what. Because you are all those things for me."
"You're already all those things for me too," Jane said into Maura's chest as she tightened her arms around Maura's waist.
Maura ran her fingers through Jane's hair. "I do want to get to know each other better," Maura added after a few minutes of silence.
"Me, too," Jane replied. "I'm sorry that I…"
"No, wait," Maura said softly. "Please don't apologize for not telling me about the drinking or for talking about me to your friends. I overreacted. Yes, it feels uncomfortable when people know me but I don't know them, but I should have talked to you about it differently. Please don't think I'm saying you did something wrong because you absolutely did not. In fact, you have no idea what it means to me that you didn't forget about me, that you didn't let the world forget about me. I just…I need help navigating this."
"I hate that I did something that makes you uncomfortable though," Jane admitted.
"I know that, Jane," Maura assured her. "But a lot of things make me uncomfortable. I think it's somewhat unavoidable," she added with a laugh.
Jane finally lifted her head from Maura's chest to look her in the face. "That doesn't mean I have to like it," she said.
Maura laughed again. "Fair enough," she conceded. "As long as you remember that you help me feel comfortable in social situations so much more often than you make me feel uncomfortable. In fact…" Maura paused, unsure if she should continue, "…I think…I, well, I think I regressed a bit in my social skills while I was away. You said that I haven't shared much with you about the time I was gone, and you're right. But it's not because I don't want to tell you. It's more so that there isn't much to tell. I'll do better though. I'll answer any questions you have…about anything…but especially about Sophie's biological father. His name was Tom Raymond, by the way, but I know that his name wasn't really the point. I'll make more of an effort to share my life from the past seven years with you. Please know, though, that I have shared the most important parts of my life from that time. When I think back over the years I was in Maine and Utah, everything revolves around my pregnancies and raising Sophie."
"I hate how alone you were," Jane said sadly.
Maura nodded as tears once again clouded her eyes. Their arms were still wrapped around each other, and they were so close that they could feel the other's breath on their faces. Maura's fingers were absently playing with Jane's hair where it lay behind her head. "It wasn't that different from my life before I met you, except this time I knew what I was missing," Maura whispered.
Jane kissed the tip of Maura's nose, drawing a soft smile from the other woman. "I want to be more intentional about getting to know each other again," Jane said.
"Me, too," Maura replied. "We've spent nearly all of our time focused on the kids. I don't regret that, but I don't want our relationship to suffer because we aren't putting enough effort into it. That was one of the big reasons I suggested the date, but I should have told you that."
"I'm still glad you suggested it, and I want to try again…and again, and again, and again," Jane continued with a smirk.
Maura smiled. "Yes, many, many times," she replied. "But let's not limit ourselves to just dates. Wait, limit wasn't really the right word. What I meant was that I want to plan other times and ways to get to know each other again outside of just dates."
"I agree," Jane said. "When I first started participating in therapy – I can't say 'when I started therapy' because I fought it for a long time – anyway, when I finally started to take it seriously, one of the things my therapist had me do was to schedule certain activities, even if it wasn't something I would normally schedule. At that time, there were two main things that I worked hard to schedule: self-care and what I called memory-making. I think we should do the same kind of thing: schedule times that we will focus on sharing about our past or talking about something that we're struggling with."
"I think that's a wonderful idea," Maura agreed. "We should actually put it on our calendars, too. In fact, we should make a shared family calendar that has all six of our activities on it. That way, we have it on both our phones."
"That's a great idea," Jane said, stifling a yawn.
"Also, can we schedule our first…what are we going to call our talks because I don't like the name 'talks,'" Maura added with a laugh.
"I mean we could call them dates since the purpose of dating is to get to know each other," Jane suggested.
"No, I want to keep dates separate," Maura said. "Of course, we will also use dating to get to know each other, but there's an element of romance implied in dating. I want our 'talks' to be pressure free in that regard…if that makes sense."
"Yeah, that makes sense," Jane said as she tried to think of possible names.
A silly smile grew on Maura's face. "Let's call them 'Lunch and Learns,'" she offered. "We don't have to always do them over lunch, but I'm sure we will usually have a snack or drink when we talk. Obviously, I don't mind if our friends and family know that we're trying to get to know each other better, but the ambiguous name does mean we can talk about our talks with others – for example, if we're trying to schedule something else – without necessarily letting the other person know what we are referring to."
Jane laughed. "You're still a nerd. That hasn't changed," she said.
Maura tried to mock annoyance, but she couldn't do it as she laughed at Jane's words. "Mmmm, yes, I am," she said.
"And I love your nerdiness," Jane said before giving Maura a soft kiss on the lips. "Also, I think that's a great name for our talks."
"Can…can we have our first lunch and learn today?" Maura asked, her tone becoming more serious and more timid after their previous joking.
"Yeah, I like that idea," Jane said. "Ma's not bringing the kids back until they come for Sunday dinner, so we have time. Let's also get a few more on our calendars before they get back."
"Thank you," Maura said with a smile. "Let's get a little sleep now, though. You haven't slept, and I barely slept."
"Good call," Jane said, letting out another yawn before rolling onto her back, pulling Maura with her.
Maura settled into her favorite position, and the sound of Jane's heartbeat against her ear lulled her to sleep within minutes. Jane wasn't far behind.
A/N: I don't know if "lunch and learns" are common outside the US, but for those who aren't familiar, the most common definition of a lunch and learn is a training, workshop, or presentation offered during the lunch hour by an employer. Depending on your type of employer, the company might provide lunch to entice people to come.
Their first "lunch and learn" will be in the next chapter.