Chapter 45: Lunch and Learn

A/N: And here's the second half of the split chapter. The next one should be out soon, too, since it's almost done.

Maura: July, Present Day

"So how is this supposed to work?" Maura asked Jane as they took their seats on the couch. They had made sandwiches for lunch and decided to eat on the couch in order to be more comfortable for their first "lunch and learn."

Jane shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know," she admitted. "But, I mean, we did a pretty good job of talking to each other about the hard stuff when you first got home."

"True," Maura said thoughtfully. "Well, maybe it makes sense to pick up there, then. What I mean is that was the last time we really talked about Sophie and Harper's biological fathers. Maybe that's where we should start."

"Yeah, okay, that sounds good," Jane replied.

"I should go first because you're right, I haven't been as forthcoming as I should have been about my time away," Maura said.

"I know, but Maura, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel guilty about it. I just…I don't know. I guess I should have just asked instead of yelling at you in frustration," Jane said quickly.

Maura chuckled. "Well, probably, yes, but Jane, we're okay. Stop apologizing for last night. Let's just move on. I want to tell you, okay? I'm not just telling you because I feel guilty," she said emphatically.

"Okay," Jane said quietly.

Maura smiled at Jane before continuing, "I suppose I should start at the beginning. Like I said, I didn't date while I was in Maine. In fact, I didn't really interact with anyone outside my protection team or the doctors I saw during my pregnancy. Because I was testifying, I was required to follow very strict security protocols. I wasn't allowed to work. Any time I wanted to leave the house or apartment, I had to have prior approval. I-I…well, at first, while I was lonely and I missed you and all of our friends and family, but especially you…at first, I was okay because I was focusing on being healthy for the sake of my pregnancy – for Emma and Finn. I followed a set routine that included regular walks outside. When the loneliness really got bad was when the weather turned cold. Even though I hadn't really been seeing people on my walks, at least I was getting out. Now, I was couped up all the time, and I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable from my pregnancy."

Maura watched as Jane closed her eyes. She could tell that Jane was feeling her pain as she told her story. Just like Maura hated when Jane was hurting, she knew that Jane also hated seeing Maura hurting, lonely, or in pain more than she disliked experiencing those things herself. They were so alike in that way. Part of Maura wanted to shield Jane from the pain and loneliness she had felt all those years, but she knew that wasn't fair. She knew that they both owed each other the truth.

"Overall, I was lucky with both of my pregnancies. I experienced some morning sickness and some cravings, but I had very healthy pregnancies. Obviously, I was uncomfortable towards the end – both times, but especially with the twins – but it wasn't unbearable. The unbearable part was knowing I was going to have to say goodbye to them after they were born," Maura paused and took a deep breath. She hadn't realized until now that she was crying, and she saw her own tears mirrored on Jane's face as her friend listened.

"Honestly, I don't have many memories from the rest of my time in Maine after the girls were born. I was pretty severely depressed, and on top of everything I was feeling about giving up the girls, the trial was taking its toll as well."

"Can…can I say something before you continue," Jane asked weakly.

Maura nodded. "Of course," she said. "This is a conversation not a lecture." They both smiled slightly at the memory of all of Maura's "lectures" over the years.

"I think…I think you should try not to say that you 'gave up' the girls. When Emma and Finn were babies, I read a lot about adoption and raising adopted kids, and one of the things nearly every resource I read said was that language is important. I honestly had to train myself to use the correct language, but luckily, I had gotten into the habit of avoiding things like 'you gave them up' or 'you left them' or whatever. Even saying they were adopted instead of they are adopted because using the present tense makes kids feel like they will always be different," Jane said with a sigh. "I don't know. I just think it might help you too because the truth is you didn't leave them. You didn't give them up. You weren't able to see them in person, but you never stopped being their mother just because you were in a position where you couldn't parent them. You never stopped loving them. You never gave up on them. You kept them safe the only way you knew how, and that's what a parent does. And you did that despite the fact that it nearly destroyed you."

Maura was crying hard now, but she didn't take her eyes off of Jane the entire time she spoke. She had never thought about it that way, but hearing Jane say that – especially that she never gave up on them – that meant everything to Maura. Maura nodded as she tried to wipe the wetness from her face. "I-I…thank you," she stuttered through her tears. "I honestly never thought about it like that."

"Just something to think about," Jane said softly with a shrug.

"I'm going to work on that, but I guess my point right now is that I don't have much more to share about my time in Maine. I didn't work, I didn't make friends, I didn't date…I didn't do anything."

"I'm so sorry, Maura," Jane said, and Maura could hear the empathy and distress in her voice.

Maura shook her head. "Please don't feel bad for me," Maura said. Then, with a chuckle, she added, "I mean, I know that I'm never going to convince you not to hate what I went through. It's just who you are, but you – of all people – you don't need to apologize. The only reason I was able to survive this is because I knew, without a doubt, that my daughters were with you, that they were with someone who would love them unconditionally – and make sure they knew how much they were loved. They were with someone who would protect them at all costs. They were with someone who would give them a family."

Now it was Jane's turn to wipe furiously at the tears streaming thick and fast down her face.

Since Jane didn't seem able to speak at the moment, Maura decided to continue, "Once I was placed in Utah, I was able to live a more normal life – or at least as close to normal as possible given the circumstances. I still had protection, but with the exception of regular checks and the ability to contact them if I needed something, I didn't really see them. I was able to get a job, build a life, etc. Well, I was able to do those things from a safety standpoint. Emotionally and mentally, it wasn't that easy.

"So, I did what I always do, and I threw myself into work. It was nowhere near as fulfilling as my previous work, but it still felt…I don't know. I guess it still felt meaningful and important. I was still able to give families closure, just in a different way. My hours were more regular and my tasks more routine, but it was still medicine; it was still pathology. After I felt more settled, I decided to try dating," Maura said before pausing and laughing.

"Do you remember what my dates were like in the early years of our friendship?" Maura asked with a smile.

"You mean when you used to diagnose your dates with weird medical conditions," Jane said, a tinge of exasperation in her voice.

Maura let out a giggle. "Yes, so literally the first date I went on in Utah, I did that," Maura said, but as she finished her sentence, she paused, and the smile fell from her face. "Afterwards, all I wanted to do was call you and tell you about it," Maura added sadly. "I wanted you to tease me about it."

Giving her head a small shake in an attempt to pull herself from the memory, Maura continued, "Anyway, while I didn't continue to diagnose my dates, my future dates weren't a whole lot better." Maura paused. "I'm not proud of it, but after a few months, I stopped looking for dates and I started looking for one-night stands. I realized what I had always known, really; I realized I was never going to fill that emotional hole, but I could fill the biological need for sex. I'm not ashamed of having one-night stands. I don't believe that there is a problem with casual sex as long as both parties are consenting adults, but I'm somewhat regretful of how I went about it, I suppose. I'll admit that I didn't always make the best choices."

"What do you mean?" Jane asked quietly.

Maura tilted her head as she tried to decide how to explain. "I started caring less about the type of people I slept with – not that I have a great history of picking good people, especially guys. And I would often agree to things I wouldn't have before. Not in like in an 'I was coerced' way. I just didn't care. I had an IUD, but I would sometimes agree to foregoing a condom. It was foolish, but I was lucky, incredibly lucky. I never contracted a sexually transmitted disease – and I have been tested many times, so you don't need to worry that I might transmit something to you."

"I wasn't really worried about that," Jane admitted. "I know you would never have agreed to sleep with me if there was a chance you could pass something to me. I mean, I hate that you didn't care enough about your own well-being to be safe, but I don't know…I guess I know the feeling. For me, it manifested in other ways – like getting blackout drunk pretty regularly after you disappeared. I was able to stop once Emma and Finn were born. I guess, I was lucky, too, especially given my family history that my abuse didn't turn into full-blown alcoholism before I stopped."

Maura nodded. She had expected as much. "Getting pregnant with Sophie was what stopped my self-destructive behavior, too. I met her biological father through a mutual acquaintance – someone I worked with at the hospital. We slept together a few times, so I don't know exactly when my IUD failed, but he was one of the men who preferred not to use a condom. But honestly, I can never regret something that brought me Sophie," Maura added with a smile. "I would never say this to anyone else, but she saved me. I don't like to tell people that because I don't think it's fair to put that on her. My happiness and well-being were never and never will be her responsibility – or any of the kids' responsibility. I mean, I'll probably talk about it in therapy at some point, but you get the point."

"I do," Jane said quietly. Then, with a soft laugh, she added, "I really, really do."

"Tom wasn't exactly happy to find out I was pregnant, but at first, I didn't want to give him an out. Tom is Sophie's biological father; I should have said that first. Anyway, he basically did the stuff I essentially required from him. He paid child support – well, sometimes – and he saw her occasionally. I was just so convinced that she was better off with a crappy father as long as he wasn't abusive than no father. It's not like she had anyone else besides me. And I think he loved her as best he could. He just didn't love her more than he hated responsibility and commitment.

"We fought about it a lot. I'm sure that it didn't help that while I wanted him to be her real parent, I also wasn't willing to let her leave my sight. I refused to let him spend time alone with her, not that he really pushed for it either. I know I told you this that first weekend, but you are literally the first person other than myself that Sophie has spent time with one-on-one. She went to a group daycare at the hospital while I worked, but other than that, she was never out of my sight. I knew it couldn't be like that forever, but I was irrationally terrified of something happening to her. I mean, I know that every parent is afraid that something will happen to their child, but…"

"I understand," Jane cut in gently. "You had already lost Emma and Finn. I think that's pretty common with parents who have lost a child one way or another."

Maura nodded. "Well, our arguing over his responsibility to Sophie increased significantly after her first birthday, which he missed. By the time she was a year and a half, I finally admitted to myself that she was better off without him. When I offered him an out, he took it. He hasn't seen her since she was about 15 months old, and I haven't talked to him since he signed the papers that September. To be honest, Sophie could have more half-siblings out there and we wouldn't know. I don't know if he's alive, or if he still lives in Utah, or what he's doing. And it's so much better that way. I wish I wouldn't have waited so long to get him out of our lives. I think I just hated having absent parents and not knowing my birth parents that I never wanted that for Sophie, but…" Maura shook her head as she paused. "She deserved to have a father that loved her and wanted her, but she didn't need it, especially not now. She didn't need him to be happy even when it was just the two of us in Utah, but now she has you…" Maura paused again as she got choked up. "She has two parents who love her unconditionally, and she has a big, crazy, loving family. She gets to grow up with sisters and cousins. And that's all I really ever wanted for her, for any of my kids."

When Jane silently opened her arms, Maura fell into the offered embrace without hesitation. They stayed like that for a few minutes before Maura pulled back to finish her story.

"I didn't date while I was pregnant with Sophie or during her first eight or nine months – honestly, I don't remember exactly. Is that bad?" Maura asked with a laugh. "But after that I tried dating again. This time, I was safer. I only dated people that I thought could potentially be someone I wanted to be with. Nothing worked out of course. I did sleep with a few of them, but nothing progressed far. I couldn't let myself trust anyone. Sure, some of the people were nice. A few of them even met Sophie, but most of them just sort of fell apart after a few dates. It probably didn't help that I would only go on dates during times I could leave Sophie at daycare late because I refused to leave her with a babysitter. Mostly, though, Sophie was my life, and I was learning to be okay with that. I wasn't necessarily happy with my life – more than anything, I felt guilty about the things I couldn't provide Sophie, mainly a large family – but I also wasn't unhappy with my life. I'm not sure that makes sense. I guess, once Sophie was born, I felt like I could survive the rest of my life in witsec if I had to – and I completely expected to – which is not how I felt before Sophie. I wasn't suicidal or anything," Maura added after seeing the look on Jane's face. "But the thought of spending the rest of my life like that gave me pretty severe anxiety before Sophie was born. Mostly, I just tried not to think about the future at all."

Jane nodded, unsure of what to say.

"I'm not sure what else to share. Is there anything you'd like to know or ask? You can ask anything," Maura said.

"No," Jane said slowly. "I don't…well, actually, do you have any pictures of Sophie from when she was little?"

Maura smiled. "Yes, I do," she said. "Those are really the only pictures I have from my time away, but before we left, I downloaded them all onto a flash drive since I wouldn't be able to keep my laptop, phone, or tablet. I never put anything on the cloud for safety reasons. Do you want to see them? I can run upstairs and get it."

"I do, but I actually think that we should wait and look at them with the kids. Sophie's seen our photos and videos. I'm sure she'd like to see her own, and I think she'd like for her sisters to see them, too," Jane said.

Maura smiled again and wrapped her arms around Jane. "I love you," she whispered as she gave Jane a soft kiss on the lips. "I think that's a great idea." She loved that Jane thought of things like that.

They continued talking for the rest of the afternoon, only stopping when Angela text them to let them know that they were on their way. They talked a bit more about their dating history – although, neither woman had much more to share. They did laugh about a few of their particularly bad dates, though.

About half an hour before Angela text them, Jane changed the subject. "We can keep talking about this, but before we completely run out of time, can I ask you something?"

"Of course," Maura replied. "That is the point of this," she quipped with a smirk.

Jane laughed and rolled her eyes. "Be nice," she teased. "Anyway, I wanted to ask you more about what you said last night about feeling uncomfortable with people knowing who you are when you don't know them."

"Whom," Maura corrected automatically.

"Really?" Jane huffed good-naturedly. "A grammar lesson?"

Maura smirked but otherwise ignored her.

"I just hate that I did something that makes you uncomfortable. I mean, I heard what you said this morning that you liked that you weren't forgotten, but I still…I don't know. I guess, I can't change the past. I can't make them unknow you, but is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable now when you're meeting people?"

"To be honest, you've been pretty great, always making sure that I'm included in conversations, always introducing me…" Maura trailed off.

"What?" Jane said, not failing to notice the change in Maura's tone.

"It's silly," she obfuscated.

"I'm sure it's not, but even if it is, you can tell me," Jane replied steadfastly.

"I-I…really it's silly…I just…I guess it bothered me that you didn't introduce me as your girlfriend last night," Maura admitted.

"Oh," Jane said, genuinely surprised. She clearly hadn't been expecting that answer. "Well, that's easy to fix."

Maura laughed lightly. "I know it's silly…" she started, but Jane cut her off.

"No, it's not silly," Jane said kindly. "I honestly didn't put much thought into how I introduced you, and I'm sorry about that. I think I just tend to think about people I know through the kids in terms of everybody's relationship to the kids. Whereas if we ran into someone I know from work or something, I would have introduced you as my girlfriend, but I probably wouldn't have said that you were the girls' mom."

"Okay, that actually makes a lot of sense," Maura said thoughtfully.

"Where's my phone?" Jane asked suddenly.

"What?" Maura replied, surprised by Jane's quick change in topic – or what she thought was a quick change in topic. "It's there," she added, pointing to the coffee table. "Why?"

"I'm going to text Sarah and tell her you're my girlfriend," Jane replied with a classic Rizzoli smirk as she picked up her phone. "I don't have John's number, but I'll make sure Sarah tells him."

"Jane!" Maura said exasperatedly as she tried to pull the phone from Jane's hands. "That's not…please don't do that!" They were both laughing as they battled for the phone. After a few minutes of teasing Maura, Jane dropped her phone back onto the table.

"I'm just messing with you, but in all seriousness, I'll be more thoughtful about how I introduce you going forward," Jane said.

Maura tilted her head. "Actually – okay, now you're going to think I'm ridiculous – but your reasoning makes sense," she admitted.

"See, now aren't you glad you said something" Jane said, her teasing voice quickly returning.

Maura rolled her eyes. "You really enjoy being right," she retorted.

"Well, if I'm going to spend my life with you, I have to savor it when it happens," Jane added with a laugh, to which Maura responded with a playful slap.

They tried to schedule at least two "lunch and learns" a week through the rest of the summer, but they found that they were communicating better even outside of these conversations.

As July ended and they headed into August, Maura couldn't believe how fast time was flying. She couldn't believe that she and Sophie had been back in Boston – back with their family – for two months. It seemed like they had arrived on Jane's doorstep just days ago, but at the same time, it felt like they had always been here – always been a part of this family – and maybe in some ways they had, even if they didn't know it.