Chapter 52: Family in the Hamptons
A/N: I can't believe I've almost reached 500 comments! You guys are the best! I may be willing to take a special request from the 500th commenter! 😉
Jane: September, Three Years Ago
"Again! Again!" Emma squealed. "Again, Mama!"
Jane laughed, but she couldn't say no. She glanced up the beach to make sure that Constance, Finn, and Harper were still content. Finn was sound asleep on a towel under the beach umbrella and Harper and Constance were in the sand next to her creating some kind of art design with shells and sand. Jane wasn't sure which shocked her more – the fact that Constance was sitting in the sand or the fact that Harper had been engaged in one activity for so long. The one-year-old had never focused on anything for this long.
"Alright, but let's move back down the beach first," Jane said to Emma. She and Emma had been playing in the waves in the shallow water for a while now, and as always, the waves had moved them away from their beach site. Jane picked up Emma and walked her back and a few yards past where Constance, Finn, and Harper were sitting.
"Far enough, mama!" Emma decided, wiggling in Jane's arms until she was set back on her feet.
Jane took each of Emma's hands in hers. They stood together in the waves. As each wave rolled over their legs, Emma would jump, and Jane would lift her higher so that she felt like she was actually jumping over the waves. Emma was giggling and squealing in delight the entire time. Jane knew her arms would be sore tomorrow, but she couldn't bring herself to end Emma's joy quite yet. She'd go until she felt she could no longer safely hold onto Emma, regardless of how confident the three-and-a-half-year-old felt in the shallow waves. Jane knew how dangerous the ocean could be.
When Emma had finally had her fill (or at least realized that Jane had had her fill) of the water, the two of them returned to their beach site. Harper was now sleeping next to Finn on the towel, and Constance was sitting in a beach chair next to them, making sure they both stayed in the shade as the sun moved in the sky. Even though Constance had become much more relaxed around them over the years, it still sometimes surprised Jane when she was just nana. Constance was wearing a modest one-piece bathing suit with a sarong tied around her waist, and her hair was pulled away from her make-up free face. Jane was pretty sure that no one else, except Arthur, ever got to see her like this. She wondered how long it had been since Maura had seen her mother like this.
God, she wished Maura were here right now. Right now, in this moment, there was nothing Jane wanted more than for Maura to see her mother interacting with their daughters, to see Constance as nana, to see her family, together.
Maura: September, Present Day
"I wanna ride with nana and grandpa," Harper whined.
"Me, too! Me, too! Me, too!" Sophie added, jumping up and down in the entryway as she stood next to Harper, her eyes locked on her grandmothers.
"Oh, can I go with nana and grandpa, too?" Emma asked quickly.
"Hey, what about me?" Finn asked.
Maura loved hearing her daughters' excitement to be with their grandparents, but she wasn't sure how to decide who could go with Constance and Arthur, though, since her parents didn't have enough car or booster seats for all four kids. Maura realized that this might not be the first time this discussion had occurred, when Jane offered, "Well, maybe nana and grandpa can drive our car with you guys, and mommy and I can drive their car."
"That's a wonderful idea," Arthur replied with a soft smile down at his granddaughters. Maura's heart swelled with happiness at the loving look on her father's face.
It took a while to get all four girls in the car and buckled safely into their seats, but eventually, Maura and Jane were following behind her parents. The restaurant they were going to was over an hour away with traffic in Hampton Bays, but apparently it was a favorite of the girls. At some point during the drive, they got separated from the other car, but Jane appeared to know exactly where they were going.
"We usually try to go to Cowfish for the last dinner of our trip," Jane explained. "I don't really know how it became the kids' favorite, but it has a good mix of options for everyone. Have you been there before?"
"Not that I remember," Maura replied. "I actually don't think I've ever eaten in Hampton Bays."
"You seem tired," Jane pointed out, noticing that Maura wasn't saying much beyond answering her questions.
"I think it's all the fresh air and sun," Maura replied. "And maybe our activities last night," she added after some thought.
Jane laughed. "Okay, fair enough, but you're okay, right?" she asked more seriously.
"Yes, I've had a wonderful time this weekend," Maura replied honestly. "It's still hard to think about how much I've missed, and things like this make it more obvious. But, really, I'm okay, Jane." When they stopped at a stoplight, Maura leaned across the console and kissed Jane's cheek lightly. "But thank you for asking."
Jane turned to glance at Maura. "I love you so much," she said quietly.
"I love you, too, and I love our family," Maura said. "All of this…what we have now…this makes it worth all of the pain, all of the loneliness."
Jane nodded and returned her attention to the road as the light turned green. Maura watched her for a few minutes, studying the stress lines on her face. All she wanted to do was reach across the car and pull Jane into a hug. Yes, she was hurting, but she knew Jane was too. She just didn't know how to let Jane know that it was okay – that she didn't have to hide her own pain from Maura just because she thought Maura was hurting more or because she thought Maura's pain was more valid. They'd both been through a lot. The difference was everyone recognized and validated Maura's trauma. Very few people afforded Jane the same consideration, and they definitely didn't see how much Jane had done for their family over the years.
In the end, they both fell silent, and eventually, the conversation picked up again with lighter topics. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, their car, which her parents and the girls had arrived in, was already parked, so Maura assumed that they were already inside. She and Jane walked into the front door together, and Maura looked around the room.
"Where…" Maura started, concerned when she didn't see any of them inside the restaurant.
But Jane answered her incomplete question. "Outside," she said, pointing out the back window. Maura's eyes followed her finger to see the six of them out at a large table on the back deck overlooking the water. Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion, but Jane led them out to the deck before she could say anything.
Maura's father had always been an enigma. She had never seen him eat at anything other than a five-star restaurant that had clean white table clothes. Yet, he also spent months at a time with isolated tribes of indigenous peoples in South America. Regardless, while he probably at outside in pursuit of his work, Maura had never seen him eat at a restaurant outside.
She didn't say anything, though, as she and Jane joined her parents and the girls. Eventually, she forgot about it as they sat together, enjoying dinner as a family. The evening was very enjoyable, and Maura hoped that she had many more like this to look forward to.
Hours later, long after they had arrived home and after everyone had gone to bed, Maura found herself unable to sleep. She quietly climbed out of bed, trying not to wake Jane, and made her way downstairs.
She snuck outside and curled into the corner of the swinging bench on the back deck with a blanket and a cup of tea. It was a beautiful night. A cool, salty breeze was coming off the water, and Maura could hear the waves crashing on the beach. The house was quiet behind her, and she couldn't see or hear another soul on the beach. It was peaceful. The antithesis of her overactive mind.
Maura was so lost in thought that she didn't hear the back door open. She jumped slightly when her mother entered her peripheral vision.
"May I join you?" Constance asked quietly.
Maura smiled and held up the blanket, allowing her mother to sit on the swinging bench next to her.
"You're up late," Constance said, glancing at her daughter.
"So are you," Maura deflected.
"I was painting," Constance replied by way of explanation. "You know how I get."
Maura laughed lightly. She did know how her mother could so easily get lost in her work, a trait Maura shared with her mother.
"So why are you still awake?" Constance asked.
"I was having a hard time sleeping."
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, of course," Maura replied. "I just have a lot on my mind."
"Anything I can help with?"
Maura remained silent for a few moments. She didn't know how to answer the question without lying but also without admitting the truth. Apparently, she was quiet too long.
"Maura?" Constance prodded gently.
"I…no…I mean…" Maura paused, already feeling her cheeks heating up.
Constance frowned as she watched her daughter squirm. "Did I do something to upset you?" Constance asked.
"No, it's not…no, you didn't do anything wrong," Maura said, stumbling over her words.
Constance contemplated her daughter's words, trying to read between the lines. "Maura, darling, you can tell me how you're feeling," Constance added.
Maura sighed. "I don't like how I'm feeling," she admitted.
Constance remained silent for a few moments, hoping Maura would continue, but when she didn't Constance said, "You know, whatever you're feeling is okay. You've been through a lot – more than anyone deserves to go through."
Maura stared at her tea, which she was resting on her lap. "I'm jealous," Maura admitted, speaking so quietly that Constance almost missed it. "I'm jealous of the relationship you have with Jane. It's not that I wish you didn't have a strong relationship with Jane. I'm glad that you like her and that you get along well, and I'm incredibly grateful that you've been so active in the kids' lives. All of which makes my jealousy confusing. It's not like you chose to have a strong relationship with Jane instead of me. I know that.
"It's just…you know her favorite beer, you know how she takes her coffee, she has a usual room here. And I've never known father to eat outside. Yet, tonight, it seemed like it was no big deal for him, indicating that this was probably nowhere near the first time he had done so. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset about any of those things. I just…" Maura trailed off.
"I wish we had that type of relationship before you disappeared," Constance said quietly. "I was terrified that I had missed my chance to have a strong relationship with you. I'm determined to make the best out of our second chance, but I too wish that we didn't need it.
"And of course, I didn't choose Jane over you. What should have happened was that you and I had a close, loving, and strong relationship since you were young. Then, when you met Jane, I would build a relationship with her because she became your family and therefore ours as well.
"Do you remember when I visited Boston years ago and met Jane for the first time? You and Jane came to my art installation," Constance reminded her.
"I remember," Maura said quietly, choosing not to mention that Constance had forgotten to put her on the guest list, and Jane had used her badge to get them through the door.
"When you stepped away to get drinks, Jane laid into me; she confronted me about how I had treated you, both that weekend – by not staying with you, by canceling dinner, and by forgetting to but you on the guest list for the installation – and throughout your life," Constance said.
"I knew she said something to you," Maura replied, her eyes glued to her lap. "But I never knew what she said."
"Well, I got defensive," Constance continued. "Don't get me wrong, I knew she was right, but I tried to say that I was respecting your time since I knew you were a busy and important person. She said…well, she said, 'that's very cat's in the cradle,' and I had no idea what she was referencing, but I understood her point. I told her that I was never a good mother, that I had missed so much. She asked me why I didn't just tell you that.
"I tried to change, but I still never told you that. I suppose I thought I still had time…except, then, all the sudden…you were gone. I was terrified that I'd missed my chance," Constance said thickly. Tears were leaking from the corners of her eyes. Maura couldn't remember if she'd ever seen her mother cry. "I'd wasted so much time. I'd had nearly forty years with the most amazing daughter I could ever hope for, and I'd never prioritized our relationship the way I should have…the way I wish I had. I've loved you since the day I laid eyes on you, Maura. I would give almost anything to go back and be the mother you deserved," Constance said firmly, her voice infused with love and regret, her eyes locking on Maura's.
Constance let her eyes drop back to her own lab before she continued, "I was already aware of how much I'd missed, but I guess that part of me still felt like I could make up for it in the future…when you had a family. Even though, logically, I knew you had a dangerous job and that no one's future is guaranteed, I still naively thought we had time. When I found out about Emma and Finn…I wouldn't say it felt like a second chance because I also realized what I was still missing – supporting you through your pregnancy, watching you dance with your father at your wedding, being there for your life. But, I was determined not to make the same mistake with my granddaughters that I had made with my daughter.
"Jane and I didn't become close right away," Constance said. "I think – for both of us – it was hard to be around each other because we missed you so much. However, just as much as I didn't want to make the same mistakes again, I think Jane was determined not to let me. We developed a positive relationship that first year after the girls were born, but all of our interactions were still completely centered around the girls. And that was okay. I think, at that time, that was all either of us could handle. However, I spent more time one-on-one with Jane after the girls and your father would go to bed the first time they came to the Hamptons for a vacation. After that, I tried to reach out to Jane more, separate from just the needs of the girls. I invited her that Christmas to attend as my guest to the holiday gala for the Science Club for Girls."
Maura did the math quickly in her head, remembering the email she had read from Jane about telling their mothers that she was pregnant with Harper. She realized that her mother was talking about the same night as that email.
"Jane told me that night that she was pregnant with Harper." Constance paused, tilting her head to the side much the same way Maura did when she was deep in thought. "She said that she felt like I was her mother-in-law."
Maura smiled at the thought. Despite her current emotional turmoil, she did love her mother and Jane's relationship.
"I wanted to support Jane. I wanted her to know that she and Harper were our family, too," Constance said quietly. "And I wanted to experience the motherly things that I didn't get to experience with you…helping throw a baby shower, supporting a sometimes cranky and always hungry Jane, visiting the new baby at the hospital the day he or she was born. And I'm so glad that I got to do those things with her. I don't regret being there for Jane and your girls, but it never stopped hurting – and maybe made it hurt even more – to know how much I was missing with you.
"I love Jane, but Maura, she could never replace you, nor has she ever wanted to," Constance said with a renewed vehemence. "And you have to know, I never, ever wanted her to replace you, even if I did work on building my relationship with her because I missed you. I hope you can understand the difference."
Maura blinked back the tears that burned her eyes.
"I do understand," Maura whispered through her tears. "And I truly am grateful for your relationship with Jane."
"It's okay to be jealous, too," Constance cut in. "I've always been a little jealous of your relationship with Angela. That doesn't mean I'm not glad that you have her."
Maura nodded and the fell into a comfortable silence, the sounds of the ocean and the feeling of the soft breeze surrounding them.
After a few minutes, Constance spoke again, "Maybe we could do something about our feelings?"
Maura turned to look at her mother. She saw a vulnerability on her mother's face that she wasn't sure she'd ever seen before. It simultaneously broke her heart and warmed her insides. "What do you mean?" Maura asked quietly.
Constance met Maura's gaze. "We could get to know each other," she suggested, and Maura could tell that her mother was a little afraid that she might say no. "We could have lunch regularly, just the two of us. We could go out of our way to do things together."
Maura smiled warmly. "I'd really like that. What if we planned on lunch every Friday? We might have to reschedule some when the kids are off of school, but generally all four kids and Jane are gone on that day. And I can work it into my schedule as I decide what I want to do for work," she said.
"You don't need to plan your work around me," Constance said quickly.
"I want to," Maura said. "Hasn't that been the crux of our problem in the past? We both wanted a strong relationship, but we never prioritized it."
Constance returned Maura's smile. "You're right, as always," she said. "So, let's prioritize it now, at least over work. But I don't want you to prioritize me over Jane or the girls – not that you would."
"Thank you," Maura replied. "But building my relationship with you will only be good for both of our relationships with Jane and the girls. Besides, I'm fairly certain that even if I try not to let her, Jane will go out of her way to support us."
Constance laughed. "Yes, she will," she conceded.
Maura looked back out at the ocean, at the same time, leaning towards her mother so that their shoulders were pressed together while they sat together on the swing. Maybe one conversation wouldn't fix everything, but once again, life was showing her that allowing herself to open up – to be vulnerable and honest – with her loved ones was worth the risk.
A/N: I actually don't remember if the show referenced the song Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin, but if they didn't, they should have (so we'll pretend they did). If you're not familiar with the song, you should look it up!
There was some heaviness in this chapter, but just a warning, the next chapter will be really heavy. There will be a lot of processing.
I'm going to do my best to get it out soon, but this one may take some time to get right…and it's an important one to get right.