Chapter 53: Family Dynamics

Trigger warning: difficult family relationships, adoption, grief, loss

Jane: September, Present Day

"Emma! Hurry up!" Jane yelled up the stairs.

"Coming!" Emma yelled back from her room.

"She's doing her hair…again!" Finn said knowingly.

"What was wrong with the way it was?" Jane asked.

Finn shrugged and made a face, making Jane laugh.

"Mama! I need help!" Emma pouted, finally coming down the stairs. Jane tried not to laugh at her daughter, who had managed to tangle her curls into a scrunchie that was only holding half her hair – and not the half she wanted.

"Um, what were you trying to do?" Jane asked, gripping Emma's shoulders and turning her so that her back was to Jane. She was confused because usually both Emma and Finn could pull their hair back into a ponytail without any problems.

"I wanted to just braid the top," Emma whined as Jane worked the scrunchie out of her hair.

"You don't know how to braid your own hair yet, though," Jane noted.

"Obviously!" Emma said dramatically, waving her hands at her hair. Jane snorted at Emma's reaction.

"Oh, what happened here?" Maura asked as she appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Emma messed up her hair," Finn answered first. Jane wanted to disagree, but since she was still disentangling the scrunchie, she couldn't argue with Finn's assessment.

"I didn' mean to," Emma whined, and Jane could tell that her daughter was nearing tears.

"Here, let me," Maura said, gently pushing Jane aside and taking over. Jane watched in amazement as Maura quickly removed the scrunchie, asked Emma what she wanted, and braided just the top half, leaving the rest of her curls flowing over her shoulders. "Done," Maura said triumphantly before she leaned over and kissed the top of Emma's head.

"Thank you, mommy," Emma said, turning around to hug Maura.

"Okay, let's go, or you're gonna miss the bus," Jane said, waving the girls towards the door. She gave Maura a quick kiss before following them outside.

Luckily, they hadn't missed the bus, and in fact, they actually had plenty of time despite the hair detour.

"Okay, remember, mommy is going to pick you up from school today. We have family therapy after school. She's going to pick up Harper and Sophie first, then you guys, and you'll all meet me at the appointment," Jane explained.

Finn's head whipped around to look at Jane. "No, I want you to pick us up," she said quickly.

Jane's eyes narrowed in confusion. "I don't know if I have enough time between work and our appointment," she said slowly.

"Please!" Finn pleaded.

"Why don't you want mommy to pick you up?" Jane asked just as she noticed the bus turn the corner.

"Please, mama. Please, pick us up from school?" Finn asked desperately.

"But…" Jane started.

"Please?" Finn repeated as the bus stopped in front of them.

Jane didn't know what to do. The girls had to get on the bus. They didn't have time right now for a discussion. "Okay," she gave in, even though she wasn't sure if it was the right response. "I'll pick you guys up, but you have to come right out, okay?"

"Thank you, mama!" Finn said, launching herself into Jane's arms before getting on the bus.

"Bye, mama!" Emma said, giving Jane a quick hug before following her sister onto the bus.

Jane waved as the bus pulled away. She couldn't get the desperately look on Finn's face out of her head as she walked back to the house. She hated not being able to talk to her daughter to find out what was going on. However, just as she got back to the house, she made the connection. It had been over a week since Finn's meltdown, but that had been the last time Maura was supposed to pick them up.

Jane's heart shattered into a million pieces as she realized that Finn didn't trust Maura to be there when she was supposed to pick them up from school. It didn't matter that someone had been there; it didn't matter that they had never not had someone there when they needed them. All Finn could see was that Maura wasn't there when she said she would be.

Maura, Harper, and Sophie were gone by the time Jane arrived home, so she quickly got ready and drove to work. She shot Maura a quick text letting her know that she would pick up Emma and Finn before their appointment. She hoped Maura wouldn't ask why – and luckily, she didn't question it; this was not something she wanted to tell Maura over text.

By the time Jane, Emma, and Finn made it to their family therapy appointment later that afternoon, Jane's mind was in disarray. Finn had given Jane a big hug when she picked them up from school, but no one had mentioned anything about the change in plans. However, Jane hadn't been able to get it out of her brain all day. She couldn't stop blaming herself for missing the cause of Finn's distress, and she was having a hard time letting it go.

Maura: September, Present Day

Since she was only picking up Harper and Sophie, Maura and the girls arrived early to their therapist's office. Maura was in a good mood today. Their family trip the previous weekend had been emotional but healing, she had worked and closed a case during the week, and she had had her first Friday lunch with her mother earlier today. She finally felt like they might be settling into a new, comfortable routine. She also had to admit that she loved doing Emma's hair this morning. So far, today had definitely been a good day.

Harper and Sophie were sitting on the floor doing a puzzle as Maura watched. Maura looked up when Jane, Emma, and Finn walked in. Emma and Finn instantly joined their sisters on the floor. Maura and Jane shared a soft smile as Jane sat down in the empty chair next to Maura.

"Hey, how was your day," Maura greeted Jane quietly.

"It was okay," Jane replied, and Maura could tell that there was more to it, but since they were about to head into their appointment she didn't push. "How was lunch with your mom?" Jane asked, redirecting the conversation.

"It was wonderful," Maura replied. She had told Jane about her conversation with her mom once the girls fell asleep on their drive home on Monday, so she wasn't surprised that Jane asked about it.

"I'm glad," Jane said, offering Maura a genuine smile.

"Thanks," Maura replied. Before she could say anything more, their therapist opened the door to her office.

All four girls jumped up to greet their therapist, ignoring the puzzle on the floor.

"Hey, hey, hey," Jane said quickly. "Put the puzzle away, please." Then, turning to their therapist, she greeted, "Hi, Sarah."

Sarah laughed as the girls quickly stuffed the puzzle back in the box. "Don't worry," she said with a smile. "We won't start without you guys."

Maura followed Jane into the office, and they sat next to each other on the couch. As soon as they were done cleaning up, the girls hurried into the room. Finn sat next to Jane on the couch while Emma sat in the chair on Finn's side of the couch, and Harper and Sophie shared the chair on Maura's side of the couch. Sarah closed the door and took her seat across from them.

"So, it's been two weeks since I've seen you guys," Sarah said, speaking to the whole family. "How was your trip last weekend?"

"We went to the beach!" Sophie said happily.

"Yeah, I got to jump over the waves," Emma added. "Mama helped me."

"Me, too!" Finn interjected. Maura knew that while Emma had enjoyed playing in the waves for years, this year was the first time that Finn had partaken in 'wave jumping' as Jane called it. Jane admitted that she was glad that only one of them had been so brave when they were younger. Now that they were six, she felt comfortable holding one girl with each hand instead of feeling the need to use both hands to keep one kid safe.

"And I learned to swim," Sophie said quickly. Maura smiled. Saying she learned to swim was a bit of an exaggeration, but Sophie was so excited that Maura decided not to correct her. Besides, she had made huge progress in the water.

"Wow! That's great!" Sarah said. One thing Maura loved about their family therapist was that she genuinely seemed to enjoy interacting with the kids, and all four girls really liked Sarah.

"I built a sandcastle," Harper added.

"I helped!" Sophie said hurriedly.

Sarah chuckled. "Well, it sounds like you all had a wonderful trip," she said, and the girls nodded. "How about your moms? Did they enjoy the trip?"

"Yes!" Harper said confidently, causing everyone to laugh.

"Yes, we had a good time, too," Jane said. "But, uh, there were some hard parts, too."

Maura looked at Jane. She hadn't been planning on bringing any of the more difficult parts of the trip up in front of the girls; instead, she planned to discuss it with her own therapist. She couldn't help but wonder if Jane had a reason for bringing it up here.

"I, um…it really was a good trip. Don't get me wrong," Jane hurried on. "I just…I think there were a lot of reminders for all of us about what we lost…the years we couldn't vacation together as a family. It made me realize that maybe all of us still have some underlying…I don't know what to call it. I guess, maybe, it just showed me that things might not be as easy deep down for all of us as it sometimes feels on the surface."

"That's very observant," Sarah said. "Can you share any examples?"

"I don't really want to call anyone out," Jane said. "But there have been multiple things involving different family members over the past two weeks."

Maura watched Jane. It hurt to realize that Jane had been feeling this way but hadn't confided in her. She also wondered what she had missed over the past two weeks.

"I thought things had been going well," Maura said quietly, and her voice shook more than she had hoped it would when she spoke.

"They have," Jane said, turning to look at Maura. Jane grabbed Maura's hand in her own. She spoke directly to Maura when she added, "I'm not saying that anything bad has happened. It hasn't. I just…I don't want to ignore the gut feeling that I'm having."

Maura nodded vaguely but didn't say anything.

"And that's exactly why you all are here," Sarah said. "I have an idea. I can't imagine the kids are, but are either of you familiar with genograms?"

Jane shook her head, but Maura answered, "I am. It's a family tree, but it includes more than just biological connections. Pedigree – or biological relationships – is the basis, but then legal connections, emotional connections, psychological conditions, and medical conditions are often added in layers."

"Yes, exactly," Sarah said. "It's a common tool in family therapy to explore family dynamics. I think today is a great day for you guys to attempt to create one together as a family. We'll focus on biological relationships, legal relationships, and emotional relationships right now." Sarah paused as she stood and pulled out a few laminated posters with different symbols and lines. These were legends of the genogram symbols (e.g., circle for female, square for male, etc.), color and type of lines for biological, legal (e.g., adoption), and emotional connections.

"You can draw your family tree on this dry erase board," Sarah continued, pulling a large board into the center of the room. "But while you create your tree, I'm going to enter everything you put on the board into my computer program. That way we will have a record of what you create for future sessions.

"You can ask me any questions you have, but otherwise, I won't step in or contribute unless things get out of hand. My recommendation would be to designate one person as the 'writer' to record your decisions on the board, but you should make sure that every family member is in agreement about the connection you are adding before it is added."

"Can I write?" Emma asked, raising her hand.

"No, mommy's gonna write, okay?" Jane said. "I think it needs to be her or me for a lot of reasons, but mostly because we're tall enough to use more of the board." Everyone laughed. "And she has better handwriting than I do."

"That's true," Maura said with a laugh.

"'Kay," Emma conceded.

"My other piece of advice is to remember that it's okay that family is complicated, so try not to get frustrated," Sarah said. That's an understatement, Maura thought to herself. "Maybe start with one side of the family; then, move to the other side, instead of doing it by generation. However, it's up to you as to how you want to approach the task."

They stood up and moved to the whiteboard. Maura looked over the cards with the legends before handing them to Jane. "Why don't you hold onto these?" she suggested. "We can discuss what type of relationship we want to model, and you can tell me the actual symbol I'm supposed to draw."

"Alright," Jane said, taking the cards. "I guess maybe we should do it in age order?"

"Yes!" Emma said. "Finn and I are oldest!"

"I'm older!" Finn said quickly.

"For the purposes of this, there's a symbol for twins, so it doesn't matter which one of you came out first," Jane said. "But let's actually start with mommy. Okay, so draw a circle because you're female; then, add your name below and birthday above the circle."

"Okay," Maura said as she did as Jane suggested, putting herself in the middle of the left side of the board.

"Then, you, mama," Finn said.

"No, actually, we have to do your biological father first," Jane said. "Um, maybe just put initials for all of their biological fathers," Jane suggested.

Maura nodded. "Do I draw a line between me and their biological father?"

"Yeah, but, uh, hold on," Jane said as she switched cards. "You weren't legally married, so I gotta find the right line type."

Maura looked over Jane's shoulder, locating the 'one-night-stand' option. "Okay, it's supposed to be blue, and it alternates between dots and lines," she said.

"Yeah, okay," Jane said. Neither one of them really wanted to say 'one-night-stand' out loud right now. "Okay, then from that line, draw two lines that meet in the same place on the line to indicate twins. Kinda like a triangle without a bottom. Then, somewhere between the lines, draw a connecting line to indicate that they are identical twins."

"What color?" Maura asked.

"Oh, black," Jane said. "No, wait, grey. Grey indicates biological connections."

"Can we at least draw ourselves?" Finn asked.

Maura chuckled. "I think that's fair," she said as she handed Finn the black marker. "Draw a circle at the end of this line. Then, write your name underneath and your birthday on top."

Finn followed Maura's directions before handing the marker to Emma to do the same.

"My turn, my turn, my turn!" Harper said, jumping up and down on her toes, holding her hand in the air. She grabbed the marker from Emma before looking at Maura for directions.

"Well, we actually need to add me, first," Jane said, taking the marker from Harper and handing it back to Maura. "And Harper's biological father. Um, connect us with a blue dotted line with a line through it. The blue dotted line indicates a short-term dating relationship, and the line through it means that the relationship has ended. Okay, then you can add a grey line for Harper."

Maura did this, and Jane handed Harper the black marker to draw her circle and add her name. Maura wrote in Harper's birthday since the only thing Harper really knew how to write was her name.

"Me now!" Sophie said happily.

"Well, first, your biological father," Maura said as she added a square for him and connected her own circle to his square by a dotted line with a line through it. She drew the grey line for Sophie before handing Sophie the black marker to draw her circle and write her name. Maura once again added her birthday.

"Um, should we do the legal relationships? Adoptions, I mean? Or should we do the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, first?" Jane asked.

"Let's do all of the biological relationships first, then move to the legal, then the emotional," Maura suggested.

"'Kay," Jane said, and together they quickly added the rest of the family, using a solid black line to indicate marriage, a red line with two slashes through it to indicate divorce, and a dashed blue line with a slash through it to indicate a committed relationship (one step-up from the short-term relationship) that has ended.

"Okay, is that everyone?" Maura asked.

"What about Stephanie?" Finn asked, and Maura's breath caught in her throat.

"What?" Jane asked.

"Well, you put the people you dated, right? Like Harper's dad. You dated Stephanie, too," Finn said. "She was part of our family, too, right?"

Maura didn't know what to say. Logically, she was grateful to Stephanie for everything she did for their family, but emotionally…well, emotionally, the jealousy apparently wasn't completely gone. What hurt the most though, was that her daughter asked about adding Jane's ex-girlfriend before anyone remembered to connect Maura and Jane.

Maura could feel Jane looking at her, but she was avoiding Jane's gaze. She knew she shouldn't, but she could feel herself closing herself off from her family. She wanted to go cry by herself. Maybe Jane had been right about unresolved underlying feelings.

"Um, Finn, mommy and I have both dated quite a few people," Jane said slowly. "I don't think we are going to put all of our exes on our family tree. The only reason we included any of your biological fathers is because they were necessary for each of you to be born. It doesn't mean that Stephanie wasn't important to our family for a long time. It's just…we're drawing our currently family."

"But our dads aren't part of our current family," Emma said, clearly confused.

Jane looked at Maura for help, but Maura was still avoiding making eye-contact.

"They'll always be your biological fathers, though," Jane tried again.

"Okay," Finn and Emma said together.

"Why isn't there a line between mama and mommy?" Harper asked. "They're dating, right?"

"Yes, of course," Jane said as Maura nodded, still afraid her voice would give away her emotions if she tried to speak. Jane looked at the cards again. "Um, I think it should be this one," Jane said, pointing to one of the options. "Committed relationship. We're more than just dating, but…I don't know…I guess that's the one that feels right."

Maura swallowed hard. "Yes, I agree," she said, and she was glad her voice was steadier than she currently felt. "So, I should draw a solid blue line and a dotted blue line?"

"Yeah," Jane said. "Um, okay, now is that everything? Should we move on to the adoptions?"

"Okay," Maura replied.

"Okay, so adoption is indicated by a dashed blue line," Jane said. "That's kinda weird that it's the same…oh no, I guess it's a different kinda line…I was thinking it's the same line as a committed relationship. I guess, it's just weird that it's the same color for adoption as it is for dating."

Maura drew blue dotted lines between Jane and Finn, Emma, and Sophie.

"What about Harper?" Sophie asked.

"I'm not adopted," Harper said suddenly. Maura turned to see thick tears pouring down Harper's cheeks. Her face was bright red. She tried to turn to run – Maura wasn't sure where she planned to go – but Maura was faster. Maura grabbed Harper and picked her up, holding her close against her chest.

"Sweetie, you will be," she said as Harper cried hard against her shoulder. Maura's heart broke. She had thought that Harper had understood when they talked about this when Sophie was adopted, but Maura was realizing now that that was a lot to expect from a four-year-old. "I promise, okay?"

"But why haven't…why can't we go tell the people that we're family by choice?" Harper choked out.

Maura squeezed Harper tighter. "We will, I promise," Maura repeated. "It's just that there are some rules we have to follow. We have to live together for six months before I can adopt you. You know, I'm also going to adopt Emma and Finn."

"But you're their mommy by blood," Harper whined. "And why could mama and Sophie tell the people that they're family by choice?"

Maura and Jane exchanged a look. Neither one of them know how to answer Harper's questions in a way that a little kid could understand.

"Harper, look at me," Maura said gently as she used her thumb and forefinger to tenderly grip Harper's chin and turn her head to face Maura. When Harper was looking at her, she continued, "I know it's really hard to understand, but there are a lot of rules about adoption. It's really, really complicated. They have to make these rules in a way that works for most people, but that doesn't mean it works for everyone."

"Like how some pitchers don't bat?" Harper asked, causing Jane to snort in laughter. Maura had no idea what Harper was talking about.

"Actually, yeah," Jane said, stepping forward to rub Harper's back. "That's a really good example, note."

Maura decided she could ask Jane about that later. Right now, Harper was more important. "Yeah, but sometimes, the rules don't work for everyone," she repeated. "But they still have to follow the rules. That's what it's like for our family. If I could, I would have already adopted you…all three of you. Sophie's situation was a little different – not in any way that affects you guys on a day-to-day level – and that's why mama could already adopt her. That's very, very rare, though. But Harper, none of this means anything about how much I love you, or how much I love your sisters, or how much mama loves any of you girls. We both love all four of you more than you could possibly know."

"With all your heart," Sophie added quietly, looking up at Maura and Harper. Harper glanced down at her sister before looking back at Maura. Her tears had stopped, but she didn't look totally convinced.

"Yes, with all my heart," Maura repeated. "I love you, sweetie, so, so much."

"I love you, too," Harper said quietly, and she leaned forward to hug Maura. Maura closed her eyes and squeezed Harper tightly. She wished more than anything that she could explain everything in a way that the kids could understand, but she knew that it really was too complicated for them at this age. Eventually, they'd understand. Maura just hoped that Harper, as well as Emma, Finn, and Sophie, believed her and Jane about how much they loved them all in the meantime.

Sophie pulled on Harper's foot, and Harper seemed to want to go down to her sister's level, so Maura put her down. "I love you, too," Sophie said as she wrapped her arms around Harper.

"Me, too!" Emma and Finn said in unison before joining Harper and Sophie in a group hug.

The girls lost their balance and fell to the floor laughing. Maura chanced a look at Jane, who met her glance, and they shared a sad smile. They both knew the issue wasn't solved, but maybe…just maybe, it was okay for now.

"Should we do emotional relationships now?" Jane asked.

Maura nodded as the girls got off the floor.

"Okay, um, well it looks like a bright red dashed line with two slashes through it indicates a broken relationship," Jane said. "I guess that's technically how each of the girls should be connected to their biological fathers."

Maura could hear the sadness in Jane's voice, but the girls didn't seem to care how they were connected to their fathers.

"Bright red is used for negative relationships, grey is used for indifferent relationships, and green is used for positive relationships," Jane continued. "Um, let's do each of the girls in order."

"Okay…" Maura started.

"No, Finn and Emma already got to go first to draw their circles," Sophie whined.

"Yeah, cus we're oldest," Emma said snottily, and Maura tried not to laugh at how much they sounded like arguing sisters right now.

"Yes, you are oldest," Jane said. "But there's no reason we have to do this oldest to youngest, so we're going to go youngest to oldest just because of how you talked to your sister."

"But I didn't do anything," Finn whined.

"Sophie, first," Jane said with finality.

Maura squatted down to the girls' level. "Okay, Soph. Would you say that you have a good relationship with mama, a bad relationship with mama, or you don't know?" she asked.

"Good!" Sophie said happily.

"I agree," Jane said, kneeling down to join them and giving Sophie a side hug. "Okay, so our line will be green. Then, you get to pick…um, let me think about how to put this…okay, you get to pick how good our relationship is. 1 is we like each other a little bit, 2 is we like each other a normal amount, 3 is we like each other a lot, and 4 is we love each other."

"Why can't I like you and love you?" Sophie asked.

"Well, you can," Jane said. "I was just trying to make it easier for you because they use words you don't really know like 'harmony.' Basically, you can pick between 1, 2, 3, and 4, and the higher the number the more we like or love each other."

"Four?" Sophie asked, unsure.

"Well, I love you a 4, but it has to go both ways," Jane said. "And there's no wrong answer. Even if you love me a lower number, that's okay, too. It's most important that you tell the truth."

"Four!" Sophie said with more confidence. "I love you a 4, too."

"Alright, that's a green line with a circle in the middle," Jane said, showing Maura the card, and Maura added the connection.

"Okay, Soph, what about your relationship with mommy?" Jane asked.

"I love her a 4, too…also…" Sophie said happily.

"Me, too," Maura said, giving Sophie a quick kiss on the top of her head before she added the line to the chart.

"Harper, your turn," Jane said.

Before Jane could give Harper the options, Harper said, "I love both you and mommy a 4!"

Jane laughed. "Same, note," she said as she ruffled Harper's hair, drawing an annoyed look from the four-year-old. Maura added the lines to the chart.

"Alright, Em, your turn," Maura said as she returned to squatting at the girls' level. "Let's start with you and mama," she suggested. She wasn't sure that Emma and Finn felt the same emotional connection to her as they did to Jane, so she didn't want to lump them together right off the bat.

"I love you and mama both a 4," Emma said, holding up four fingers.

Maura smiled and added the lines to the chart.

"And last but not least, Finn," Jane said with a flourish.

Finn looked back and forth between the chart and Jane a few times. "I don' wanna," she said, folding her arms protectively in front of her chest.

"Sweetie, you don't have to give the same answers as your sisters," Maura said quietly, reaching out to rub Finn's back, but Finn stepped out of her reach. "It's okay if you want to say something different."

Finn glanced at Maura before looking back at Jane, and the look in Finn's eyes shattered her. She wouldn't have been surprised if Finn or Emma rated their relationship with her lower than their relationship with Jane, but she didn't expect the deep look of distrust that she currently saw on her daughter's face.

"Finn," Jane said gently, but before she could say anything else, Finn exploded.

"NO!" Finn screamed, and she stepped forward and swiped her hand across the board, erasing half of the chart.

"Hey, hey, Finn, stop," Jane said firmly but kindly as she pulled Finn away from the board and into her arms.

"Hey! You ruined it!" Emma screeched, her face screwed up in anger.

"Oh, it's okay, sweetie," Maura said, stepping towards Emma, but Emma had already followed Finn into her meltdown. Maura watched helplessly as Jane held Finn against her body and Emma wrapped herself around Jane's leg. Finn's whole body was shaking as she sobbed into Jane's chest, and Emma had her face buried against Jane's side. Harper and Sophie just stood there watching their sisters cry.

Maura had forgotten that Sarah was even in the room until the therapist stood up and started talking.

"Emma, I recorded everything on the computer, remember?" she said, turning the computer to show Emma her screen. "So, nothing was lost, and nothing was ruined." Emma looked at Sarah, but she stayed close to Jane.

Sarah stood up straight to address the family. "Why don't we sit back down and talk about how you guys felt while working on your family genogram?" she suggested.

Everyone returned to their previous seats, but this time, Finn was in Jane's lap, facing away from Maura. Maura hadn't realized that she was crying until Jane reached over to wipe her tears from her cheeks. She tried but failed to offer Jane a watery smile. The truth was, she felt terrible right now, and it was taking every ounce of self-control she had not to breakdown, too.

"Finn, can I ask you a question?" Sarah asked gently, but Finn shook her head and burrowed further into Jane's arms. "That's okay," Sarah said. "If you decide you want to say something, just let us know, okay?" When Finn didn't answer, Sarah moved to address Jane. "Jane, part of why I suggested this activity was because you mentioned you thought there were some underlying, unspoken feelings. Did the activity confirm your suspicions or were you surprised by some of the kids' reactions?"

"Um…" Jane stalled. She glanced at Maura quickly before turning back to Sarah. "Both, I guess. I, um, I didn't realize that Harper was upset about the fact that I adopted Sophie."

"No, I'm not upset you adopted Sophie," Harper cut in. "I want Sophie to be my sister."

"Oh, yes, I'm sorry, sweetie," Jane said to Harper. "You're right. I said that wrong. Sophie is your sister, okay? Regardless of who's been adopted. I just meant that I didn't know that you were upset that you hadn't been adopted by mommy yet."

"Just a little bit upset," Harper said, holding up her hand with her thumb and forefinger a few millimeters apart. "I wanna be adopted like my sisters, but mommy is still my mommy, and I love her."

Maura smiled at Harper and leaned over to squeeze her knee. "I love you, too, sweetie, and I promise, I want to adopt you just as much as you want to be adopted," she said.

"Harper, can I ask you something?" Sarah asked, and Harper nodded. "What does it mean to you to be adopted?"

"It means you're family by choice," she said confidently. "People can be family by choice or family by blood."

"Very good," Sarah said with a warm smile. "Are you and mommy family by choice or family by blood?"

"Family by choice," Harper said.

"Can you explain to me, then, how adoption different?" Sarah asked, and Maura realized what Sarah was likely trying to get at.

"I get to tell the people," Harper said.

"What people?" Sarah asked.

"I don't know," Harper said matter-of-factly. "The people in the pretty room."

Sarah smiled at Harper. Turning back to the family at large, she said, "I think Harper might be a little bit stuck on the label of 'adopted' instead of actually understanding how she's different from her sisters. You both seem to be doing a great job of explaining your situation the best you can at an age-appropriate level, but like you said, Maura, it's a very complicated situation. My recommendation would be to focus your conversations about your family on how you feel about each other. I'm not saying that you should avoid talking about adoption – not at all. The truth is you may already be talking about your family the right way. Over the next couple of weeks, just try to consciously think about the words you use when describing your relationships. We can revisit this, then. How does that sound?"

"Okay," Maura said, nodding.

"Yeah, that sounds good," Jane replied.

"Harper, is it okay if we talk about this again in a few weeks?" Sarah asked Harper.

"Yes!" Harper said happily.

Sarah chuckled. Turning back to Jane, Sarah asked, "Okay, so you didn't expect Harper's reaction, what part of today's activity did you expect?"

"It's not that I expected anything specific," Jane said. "I just…"

"Did you know Finn was upset with me?" Maura asked quietly, trying her best to keep her tone neutral instead of accusatory.

"No, not…well, I didn't suspect anything until today, and I didn't get a chance to talk to you between this morning when I took them to the bus stop and our appointment," Jane explained. Jane spoke directly to Finn in her arms, "Finn, bug, can I tell mommy and Sarah about what you asked me this morning?"

"Don' care," Finn mumbled against Jane's chest.

Jane sighed. "When we went to the bus stop this morning, I told Emma and Finn that Maura was going to pick them up from school, and…" Jane trailed off nervously.

"She didn't want me to," Maura said quietly.

Jane shook her head. "She begged me to pick them up," she continued. "I didn't know what to do. The bus was pulling up, so I said yes."

"Finn, why didn't you want mommy to pick you up from school today?" Sarah asked gently.

"Ermph," Finn grumbled, hugging Jane tighter.

"Finn…" Jane prodded her softly.

"Cus she doesn't come!" Finn said, her voice suddenly loud as she turned in Jane's lap.

Maura closed her eyes, covered her face with her hands, and leaned back against the corner of the couch as realization hit her hard. She wanted nothing more than to disappear right then and there. Maura forced herself back into a sitting position and turned to Finn. "Sweetie, I'm so sorry," she said. "I made a mistake that day. I'm so sorry."

"Maura, can you explain what Finn is referring to?" Sarah asked.

"Last Wednesday, I started consulting with the chief medical examiner's office. I was offered a contract that morning, and I started working on my first case that day. I-I got a bit carried away. I was supposed to pick the girls up from school, but when another victim came in, I asked Jane if she could pick them up so that I could do the autopsy. I didn't get home until after the girls were in bed," she explained.

"Finn was upset that evening and threw a book at her sister, but she wouldn't or couldn't tell me why she was upset," Jane added. "I thought maybe something happened at school. It didn't occur to me until this morning that it was about the change in who picked them up from school. It hasn't happened often, but this isn't the first time one person was supposed to pick them up and another person did instead."

"But is it the first time Maura was supposed to pick them up, but someone else did instead?" Sarah asked.

"Yes," Maura answered.

"Sometimes, when things are going well, it's easy to forget that it does matter that Maura wasn't in the girls' lives for over six years," Sarah said gently. "I know you all with it could be different, but you can't change the past. The difference is, Jane has picked them up what hundreds of times between preschool, kindergarten, and second grade. If she isn't there one time of all those times – as long as someone is there to pick them up, it's not noticeable because she still has a long history of showing up. Unfortunately, Maura, you don't have the same track record. It's not fair, but it is reality."

Maura nodded as tears burned at her eyes. She hated herself so much right now. She had done the one thing she had promised herself she would never to do her own kids. How many times had her own parents failed to show up for her? She never wanted her kids to feel the same uncertainty about whether or not she would be there when she said she would as she had as a kid.

"Maura, I can tell that you feel bad," Sarah said. "But the most important thing is that all of you learn from this experience. You and Jane both said when you started family therapy that you knew it wouldn't always be easy. This is one of those times, and you have to remember that that is okay."

Maura nodded even though she didn't feel like anything was okay.

"We've gone over our time today, so I think we should leave this here for now," Sarah said. "We'll pick up where we left off next week. For this week, I'm giving you one thing to do as homework. I want you to sit down as a family and pick one day next week when Maura will pick up Emma and Finn. And unless there is a true emergency, once you've picked a day, no one can change it. That means that no matter how much Emma or Finn asks for Jane to pick them up instead, you don't change the plan. That also means that work or other family obligations don't change the plan. However, you also have to recognize that real emergencies do occur, and you can't beat yourselves up if that happens. How does that sound?"

"We can do that," Jane said quietly.

Maura just nodded. She wasn't sure if she would burst into sobs or vomit if she opened her mouth right now.

"Alright, I know today was hard for all of you guys, but you did really good work."

Jane: September, Present Day

Nobody said much on their drive home. Harper and Sophie talked a little bit while they ate pizza for dinner, but everyone was still really subdued.

Jane knew she had to talk to Maura about what happened today, but she wasn't sure if she had it in her. She had already worked herself up all day worrying about Finn. Then, everything that had come out during their family therapy had pushed her over the edge. She didn't think she could handle anything else today. She was emotionally drained. She wanted to be there for Maura; she recognized that this was probably even harder for Maura, but she just didn't know if she could be the strong one tonight.

Logically, Jane knew that she was just as at fault as Maura was for what happened today, but the emotional part of her was having a hard time not being angry at Maura. She knew Maura never wanted to hurt any of the kids. She knew Maura did everything in her power not to hurt the kids. But still, the kids were hurt. Their babies were hurting – and that hurt Jane, more than anything ever had.

Maura and Jane barely interacted with each other as they put the kids to bed. Everyone was exhausted, so the kids went to bed without much of a fight. When Jane stepped out of Emma and Finn's room at the same time as Maura stepped out of Harper and Sophie's, their eyes met. "I need time," Jane said quietly. She could tell that Maura didn't like that response, but she nodded anyway and let Jane walk away.

Jane let herself out of the house. Without thinking, she went to where she always used to go when she was upset – to Maura's place. She sat on the ground right in front of the fountain, folded her knees against her body, curled her arms around her legs, and rested her chin on her arms.

She couldn't tell anyone how long she sat there. She couldn't tell anyone whether she cried or not. She couldn't tell anyone what she thought about. She just got lost in her grief and pain, staring off into space without moving.

"Jane?" Maura's quiet voice broke through Jane's trance, causing Jane to jump slightly.

Jane lifted her head to look at Maura, not realizing until she tried to move how stiff she was.

"I know you said you needed time, but you've been out here for hours," Maura said. "I was getting worried."

Jane sighed and tried to untangle herself. "Oww," she whined as she stood up. "I'm officially old," she quipped, but Maura didn't answer or move. Jane could tell that Maura was afraid to upset her. "It's okay," she whispered, waving Maura over.

They sat together on the bench, but neither of them spoke for a while.

"Are you okay?" Maura asked quietly.

"No," Jane replied. "Are you?"

"No," Maura confirmed Jane's suspicion. "Are you angry with me?"

"I-I don't know," Jane conceded, too tired to hide it. "I know I shouldn't be. I just…I hate seeing any of the kids hurting, and I don't think it's your fault that they're hurting, but…"

"It is my fault," Maura interjected quietly.

Jane shook her head. "I think this is too complicated to be any one person's fault," she said. "We've all made mistakes. I'm not really angry with you. I just don't know what I'm feeling."

Maura nodded, but Jane knew she wasn't convinced.

"You know, there's one thing we didn't get to today during our session," Jane said.

"There are a lot of things we didn't get to," Maura said.

"Yeah, but I mean with the chart…gram…thing."

"Genogram," Maura offered.

"Yeah, that," Jane said with a small laugh. "We didn't do our emotional relationship."

"We had to respond to Finn's hurt," Maura said quietly.

"Yeah, I know," Jane said. "I just…I guess, I wanted you to know that I wanted to have a chance to tell you to draw the green line with two connecting circles."

"What was that for?" Maura asked.

"In love," Jane said simply, and she watched as a weak smile tugged at the corners of Maura's lips. After a few seconds, Maura's smile faltered, confusing Jane.

"Maybe it's good that you have more time to think about it before our next session," Maura said, her voice breaking half-way through.

Jane's heart broke. If it were anyone else saying this right now, Jane might think that they meant that they weren't in love with Jane, but Jane knew better. Maura was giving Jane an out. "Oh, Maura, no," Jane said quickly, pulling her love into a hug.

Maura instantly lost her battle against her tears when Jane hugged her. She held onto Jane like her life depended on it, and Jane never let go.

"Maura, yes, we're hurting," Jane whispered as Maura started to calm down after a few minutes. "All of us are hurting, but I love you so much. Please never doubt that. I'm so in love with you…I don't even have the right words to explain it."

"I know you love me," Maura choked out. "But I also know how much you love the kids. I would understand if you couldn't get past how much my actions hurt both you and the kids. And I'm not talking about one or two school pick-ups. I'm talking about the past seven years."

"It does hurt, but Maura, I know that you did what you had to do. I can never hate you for keeping our family safe. Besides, I know that everything that happened hurt you too, probably more than anyone else," Jane said. "We just…we need time…we need time to heal, but I want that to be together. I want to heal together. You and me…all six of us."

Jane pulled back to look Maura in the eye, gently cupping her face in her hands. "When I said I needed time tonight, I wasn't breaking up with you," she said. "You know that, right? I just needed a few hours alone." Jane's thumb gently wiped the tears from Maura's cheeks.

"I-I didn't think you were breaking up with me," Maura said quietly.

"But you weren't sure, were you?" Jane asked.

"I don't know," Maura admitted.

Jane pulled Maura into a gentle kiss. "I never even considered that for even a nanosecond," she said truthfully. "And I'm sorry I gave you doubts. I promise that I will be clearer in the future. I'll just say I need a few hours alone or something."

"I'm sorry, Jane," Maura said. "I know you're hurting, too, and I hate that you have to keep being the strong one."

Jane turned and leaned against Maura's side, resting her head on Maura's shoulder. "I'm not," she said quietly. "We both keep each other strong. That's why we work. Tonight, you were the one who was strong enough to come find me."

"I was worried about you," Maura said, wrapping her arm around Jane's shoulder.

Jane shrugged. "Still, you could have stayed away, assumed I was okay. Or you could have just come to look and walked away when you saw me sitting here. But you didn't. You started the conversation," she said.

"I don't feel very strong," Maura admitted.

Jane laughed lightly. "Yeah, well, neither do I," she said.

"I love you, Jane," Maura replied, turning to kiss the top of Jane's head.

"I love you, too, Maura."

A/N: For those of you familiar with AO3, you might want to check this chapter out there as I was able to include an actual picture of the genogram they created.

Harper's comment about pitchers who bat is in reference to the designated hitter rule in Major League Baseball. American League teams (including the Red Sox) have designated hitters, who bat in place of the pitcher.

Also, I didn't include Maura's half-brother Colin since I doubt Maura and Jane would have told the girls about him at this age.