Chapter 55: Big Feelings

Maura: September, Present Day

"Okay, do you guys remember what Friday is?" Maura asked as she sat down at the breakfast table with the kids.

"Mama's birthday!" Emma said excitedly.

"We're throwing her a surprise party," Finn added happily.

"That means you don't tell mama," Emma said sternly, directly to Harper.

Harper pouted. "I know," she said dramatically. "I'm not gonna tell mama."

"I'm not gonna tell mama either," Sophie said proudly, sitting up straighter in her seat. "It's a secret."

Maura laughed. She was willing to bet pretty much anything that 1) Jane already knew about the surprise party, and 2) at least one of the girls would slip up and tell Jane directly before Friday.

Friday was Jane's actual birthday. She had somehow decided without anyone else's input that she wouldn't be having a party. She agreed that they could just celebrate during their usual Sunday dinner with a cake. Had she not really wanted to celebrate Jane's birthday with a big party like Jane made sure they celebrated Maura's birthday, Maura would have been impressed with Jane's finesse. Jane basically just acted as though it had already been decided, and before anyone else realized what was happening, they had all gone along with it.

So, of course, Maura had done something about it. She knew that including the girls in the planning meant that it most likely wouldn't end up as a surprise for Jane, but she also knew that Jane would never be able to say no to the girls' excitement. Besides, the kids were so excited to help, and that was what was most important to both Maura and Jane. Except, the girls weren't exactly subtle. However, Jane hadn't said anything – not even to Maura when they were alone – so the kids were convinced that Jane didn't know.

It was currently the Saturday before the party, and Jane was in the shower, giving Maura a chance to talk to the girls about the party without Jane around. Today was also the day that Maura and Jane would spend one-on-one time with Emma and Finn, and Constance was picking up Harper and Sophie after lunch.

"Does everyone remember their jobs?" Maura asked. Luckily, Friday was a workday for Jane, which meant she would be out of the house all day. Angela was coming over after lunch to help Maura set up, decorate the house, and cook dinner. Maura had helped all four girls create decorations during some of the random times Jane wasn't around over the last two weeks.

"Yes!" Sophie yelled.

"Shhhh!" Harper said, turning to her sister with her finger in front of her mouth in the usual shushing gesture.

Sophie threw Harper a dirty look, which Maura tried not to laugh at, before addressing Maura again. "When Emma and Finn go to da doctor, Harper and me are gonna decorate mama's birthday cake!" she said.

"Harper and I," Maura corrected automatically. "And yes, Thursday after naptime." Emma and Finn had their individual therapy appointments Thursday after school, giving Maura, Harper, and Sophie the perfect time to decorate the cake.

"Well, Emma and I already made the invitations," Finn said. Maura had had Emma and Finn work together to make an invitation, which Maura then scanned into the computer and sent out as a virtual invitation.

"Yeah, but, on the day of the party, we're supposed to help all the kids find hiding places," Emma added.

"Oh, yeah!" Finn agreed. "And nana's picking us up from school."

"Us too," Harper said, nodding.

"Good job!" Maura praised them with a smile. "Are you guys excited?"

All four of them nodded happily.

"Shhh! Mama's coming!" Emma whispered dramatically when they heard the door open upstairs.

They had a relatively lazy Saturday morning together as a family. However, by lunchtime, Maura noticed that Finn was becoming clingier to Jane, which she had honestly expected to start earlier.

Maura and Jane had come up with a list of things for each of the girls to choose from to do with Maura while the other one spent time at the park with Jane (also one of their favorite things to do). Emma had decided to get a mani/pedi, and Finn had asked to visit the bookstore. The four of them drove together to the park, where they dropped off Jane and Emma. Maura had fully expected Finn to beg to stay with Jane when they got to the park, but she remained silent. It made sense for Finn to spend time with Maura first (so that she didn't fret about it the entire time she was at the park) and for Emma to go to the park first (so that she didn't ruin her newly painted nails playing at the park).

Finn remained silent as Maura drove them to the bookstore, so Maura tried to initiate a conversation on a safe topic. "How are you liking second grade?" Maura asked as she glanced in the rearview mirror at Finn.

"I like it," Finn said.

"What's your favorite part?"

"Um, I like that we get to read chapter books," Finn said, still looking out the window. "In kindergarten, we only got to read little kid books in class, but Emma and I read chapter books during quiet reading time and at home."

"Is reading your favorite subject?" Maura asked.

"Mmm," Finn said, thinking. "Yeah, and maybe science. We getta grow our own plants and learn about photo-photos-photosynthesis."

"That's very cool."

"Yeah, we putted the lima bean in wet paper towel," Finn said, her voice finally taking on a hint of excitement. "And then we checked it every day until it had little sprouts. We hadda draw pictures of it every day, too. Then, we planted the bean with the sprouts, and now we check the pot every day, but mine hasn't popped outta the dirt yet." She paused before adding, "Maybe it'll happen this week."

"I hope so," Maura said genuinely. "You'll have to tell us when it does."

"I will," Finn said, and she fell quiet again as they pulled into the parking lot of the bookstore.

She didn't say anything as they got out of the car, but when she took Maura's hand to walk across the parking lot, Maura tried not to let her excitement show. She couldn't help the happiness that flooded her body even though she knew Finn was only doing it because she knew the safety rules. And Maura thought she might burst when Finn didn't drop her hand the moment they reached the sidewalk. In fact, she maintained her grip on Maura's hand as they walked through the doors of the store.

"Can we look at the kids' section?" Finn asked, looking up at Maura.

"Of course, sweetie," Maura replied. "This is your time. We can look at whatever you want to look at."

Finn smiled shyly before pulling Maura by the hand in the direction of the section she wanted to look at first. She didn't drop Maura's hand until she reached the bookshelves. They looked around for a while. Every once in a while, Finn would show Maura something, or Maura would ask Finn a question. Even though they weren't talking about much yet, Maura was still happy that Finn seemed content. She was going to let Finn look for a while before suggesting they stop for a treat in the coffee shop in the store so that they could talk. Maura knew that Finn was more likely to talk to Jane about the difficult stuff, but Maura was determined to make it clear to Finn that she loved her without a doubt – no matter how angry Finn got with her – and that she wanted to adopt Finn when Finn was ready.

Maura had been focusing mostly on Finn, so she hadn't noticed what books Finn was looking at. Without turning to look at Maura, Finn asked, "Mommy, do you ever have really big feelings?"

Maura was caught off guard, but she knew the answer right away. "Yes, sweetie, I do, and sometimes it's really scary because I don't know what to do with them."

"This book helps you understand big emotions," Finn said, holding out the book in her hands for Maura to see.

"Do you want to get it?" Maura asked.

"Can we look at it together first?" Finn asked.

"Of course."

"There're chairs over here," Finn said, leading Maura to a corner of the bookstore. Finn paused to let Maura sit down first. She looked at the open space in the chair before asking, "Can I sit on your lap?"

"I would love that," Maura replied, opening her arms to Finn.

Finn flipped through most of the pages quickly, but she slowed down when she got to the section on dealing with emotions. She didn't read every word, but she read at least part of each section – scared, anxious, jealous, etc.

"Mommy?" Finn said so quietly that Maura almost missed it.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"I'm sorry that I got mad at you last week," she whispered.

Maura glanced down at the page, which was called, 'I am angry.' She pulled Finn closer to her and wrapped her arms around the little girl. "It's okay to get mad at me," Maura said slowly. "You know that it doesn't make me love you any less, right?"

Finn nodded but she continued to stare at the book open in her hands.

"Do you want to see what the book says to do when you're really upset?" Maura asked, remembering that there had been a page that Finn had mostly skipped about 'Holding It All In.'

Finn nodded and handed the book to Maura, who flipped to the section, and the continued reading through the 'Talking It Out' section.

"I shoulda told you that I didn't like that you didn't pick us up instead of yelling at the therapy appointment," Finn said after a while.

"Well, you can always talk to me or mama," Maura said. "I always, always want you to be able to tell me when I do something you don't like, but I know that it might be easier for you to talk to mama sometimes."

Finn nodded.

"Can I ask you something?" Maura asked and Finn nodded again. "Did you know that you were mad that I didn't pick you guys up right away?"

"I don't understand."

"Well, mama said that you didn't know why you yelled at Emma that night, but I think we know now that you were really mad at me not Emma. I was wondering if you remember how you were feeling that night?"

Finn thought for a few moments. "No, I guess not," she said softly. "I knew that I didn't like that you didn't pick us up, but I also really like when mama picks us up. I didn't know why I was mean to Emma. I didn't know I was still mad until we did that family tree thingy."

"You know, it's okay not to know what you're feeling sometimes, but I think if you ever feel like that again, it might help to talk to me or mama. Do you think that would help?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Finn replied. "But if I was mad at you, why did I throw the book at Emma?"

"Sometimes when people are mad or upset, they direct that anger at someone who feels safe to them," Maura explained. "It happens to everyone, not just kids."

"What's a safe person?"

"I just mean the people you are closest to, the people you trust the most. For you, that's Emma and mama. There are a few reasons that someone might take their emotions out on their safe person. One might be just because the person they're actually angry at isn't there. Another reason might be because they're scared of how the other person will react if they get angry with them, so they try to hold it in until they're with their safe person. I think that night, you were doing it for both reasons.

"There is absolutely nothing that you could do that would make me not love you or not want to be your mommy," Maura continued. "But I think you need me to prove it a few more times before you really believe it, and that's okay. I'll spend the rest of my life proving to you just how much I love you if you'll let me. It's just like Sarah said about the school pick-up. Mama has picked you up lots of times, so if she has to ask someone else to pick you up once or twice, you don't really notice. My guess is that even if you don't really remember, you've yelled at mama or Emma lots of times whether because you were mad at them or someone else, but it's always okay eventually, right?"

"Yeah," Finn said quietly.

"You're going to get mad at me again, and that's okay," Maura said. "I'll keep showing you that I'll love you no matter what."

Finn leaned her head against Maura's chest as she processed Maura's words. "Who're your safe people?" she asked eventually.

"Mama's my safe person," Maura said with a smile.

"Have you been mean to her when you're really mad at someone else before?"

Maura laughed lightly. "Yes, many times," she admitted.

"I think mama is lotsa people's safe person," Finn added.

"I think you're right about that."

"I think you're mama's safe person."

"Yes, I hope so," Maura said. Then, realizing that Finn probably needed confirmation that she was understanding more than she would benefit from Maura being modest – not that Maura had ever been accused of being modest – she added, "Yes, I am mama's safe person. I think nonna is a safe person for mama, too, and probably a little bit for me, you, and your sisters."

"But mostly mama," Finn said.

"Yes," Maura confirmed. "You know, I hope that one day I'll be a safe person for you, too, but it's okay if I'm not. Even if you don't trust me or don't like me, I'll always love you."

"That's what mama says, too," Finn added.

Maura nodded and held onto Finn as the little girl thought about the conversation. Maura was surprised by Finn's next words, "I love you a four."

"I love you a four, too," Maura said, kissing the top of Finn's head.

"But I'm scared that you're gonna have to leave again."

Maura squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to stem the tears. "I'm so sorry, sweetie. I wish I could say that nothing bad will ever happen, but I hope you know that I will do everything I possibly can to stay with you and your sisters…and mama."

"That's what mama says, too," Finn said sadly.

"We both want to keep our family together more than anything. Both of us are doing everything we can to keep you guys safe, happy, and together," Maura tried to assure her daughter.

Finn nodded. "Can I get this book?" she asked.

"I think that's a wonderful idea," Maura said, realizing that Finn was likely done with their conversation, but she had to make sure Finn knew one more thing. "And I think you can pick out a couple additional books, but first can I talk to you about one more thing?"

"Okay," Finn said, shifting in Maura's lap to make eye-contact.

"You know how I still want to adopt you, Emma, and Harper?" Maura asked – purposely choosing to say 'want' instead of 'need.'

"Yeah, Harper has the paper chain countdown," Finn confirmed.

"Right, well, I just want you to know that I want to adopt you and Emma just as much as I want to adopt Harper. However, it's up to you when we do that. The earliest we can do it is December 5th, which is when Harper's adoption is going to take place, but if you're not ready then, we can wait. And you and Emma don't have to be adopted at the same time either, okay? It's completely up to you."

"Do I have to decide right now?" Finn asked.

"Absolutely not," Maura said. "When you do decide you're ready, it may take a little bit of time to get an appointment, but we'll do it when you're ready. And there's absolutely no time limit on how long you can choose to wait. I'm still your mommy. No matter what."

"'Kay," Finn said. "I'll think about it. Can I pick out more books now?"

"Sure," Maura said chuckling.

When they finished at the bookstore, Maura text Jane to let her know that they were on their way. When they got to the park, Finn ran ahead as soon as she saw Jane and Emma. Finn joined Emma on the playground while Maura walked over to Jane. Jane stood up to greet her with a kiss before they both sat back down on the bench.

"How'd it go?" Jane asked.

"Really well," Maura replied, and she couldn't keep the smile off of her face.

"I'm so glad," Jane replied genuinely, and Maura could hear the relief in her voice. "I kinda wanna hear how it went, but you and Emma should probably get going."

"Yes, we should," Maura said. "I promise to fill you in tonight."

Jane smiled and they shared a chaste kiss before calling Emma and Finn over.

In contrast to how Maura and Finn started their one-on-one, Emma talked the entire drive to the nail salon, and she didn't stop talking pretty much the whole time. And Maura absolutely loved every minute of it.

When they moved to the dryers, Maura decided she needed to at least bring up the adoption before they got back to Jane and Finn, and she didn't really want to have this conversation while driving.

"Sweetie, I wanted to talk to you about adopting you," Maura started. "I talked to Harper on Tuesday, and I talked to Finn while we were at the bookstore."

"Okay," Emma said, seemingly unphased.

Maura was a little unnerved by Emma's lack of a reaction, but she plowed on anyway. "Well, first, I want you to know that I want to adopt you, Finn, and Harper very much. The soonest we can…"

"I don't understand why you have to adopt me and Finn," Emma interrupted.

"Oh," Maura said in surprise, but before she could decide how to answer, Emma continued.

"You're already our mommy by blood, so why are you gonna adopt us?"

"Yes, I am your mommy by blood, but do you remember what mama told you about why I couldn't see you guys for so long?"

"Yeah, you hadda hide because the bad man wanted to hurt you, and we couldn't be with you because then the bad man mighta wanted to hurt me and Finn to hurt you," Emma said.

"Yes, that is correct," Maura replied, impressed by how accurately Emma remembered the story. "Well, because I was hiding, no one knew that I was your mommy by blood." Maura really wasn't sure how to explain this in a way that Emma could understand.

"But I knew, and mama knew," Emma pointed out.

"True, but you know how Harper talks about going to tell the people in the pretty room that I'm her mommy by choice?" Maura asked.

"Yeah," Emma said.

"Well, those are the people who didn't know – and they still don't know – that I'm your mommy by blood."

"So, we gotta tell those people?" Emma said.

"That's a little bit oversimplified, but basically, yes."

"But we can't do it now?"

"No, we have to have lived together for six months."

"Which is around Christmas-time?"

"A little bit before, yes," Maura confirmed. "That's the earliest we can do it, but if you're not ready, we can wait. I want to adopt you, but I want you to want it too."

"Why wouldn't I want the people to know that you're my mommy?" Emma asked.

"Well, maybe you are ready, but I'm just saying that it's okay if you want to wait," Maura said. "It's also okay if one of your sisters wants to wait. You guys don't have to be adopted on the same day."

"Does Finn want to wait?"

"She's not sure. She's going to wait to decide."

"Why?"

"She may have some reasons that she isn't ready to talk about, but I think that mostly, she just wants to make sure that I'm really going to do the things I say I'm going to do," Maura answered.

"But you can't lie," Emma said.

Maura laughed. "Right, but you know that from mama telling you. I think that Finn wants to see it for herself," Maura explained. "You guys don't need to feel the same about this."

"Can I talk to Finn about it?"

"Of course!" Maura replied. "And you can talk to mama or we can talk about it again. The four of us can even all talk about it together."

"Mmkay," Emma replied. "I think I want you to adopt me right away, but I wanna talk to Finn and mama, first, okay?"

"I think that sounds good," Maura assured her with a smile.

"Are my nails dry yet?" Emma asked, pulling her hands out from under the dryer to look at them.

Maura felt her own nails, which were dry. "Yes, I think we're all set. Are you ready to go get mama and Finn and go to dinner?"

"Yeah!" Emma replied.

A/N: Okay, I know that I've been asking for a lot of input lately, but I have one more question (and I'll try to make it the last one – at least for a while). I asked at the beginning of the story whether people liked long or short chapters, but many people interpreted this as how much I would write rather than how I divide it up. So far, for this story, I've posted about 40k words per month (that does not include chapters posted for other stories, so my overall words per month is higher). I know it's not exact, but let's say that's 10k per week. That seems a bit high given that classes have started again, so let's estimate that going forward, I can write 7,500-8,000 words per week. Which posting schedule would you prefer:

A: Six chapters per month (three per two weeks) of around 6,000 words/chapter

B: Two chapters per week of around 4,000 words

C: Every other day posting of 2,000 word chapters

D: I really don't care as long as you focus on this story over your other WIPs

E: I like when you mix up which story you post a chapter for even if it means I have to wait a little longer for chapters in a particular story

Thanks for your input. And like always, I'll do my best, but life comes first, so no promises. ❤