Chapter 58: Mama

A/N: The next two chapters will cover the same time period; first from Jane's perspective (chapter 58), then from Maura's (chapter 59).

Jane
Friday night

As soon as she left her and Maura's bedroom, Jane ran right to Emma and Finn's room. It's not like she thought they could have somehow disappeared in the short time since they went to bed, and despite what she yelled back at Maura about taking the girls, Jane knew Maura wouldn't just disappear in the middle of the night with them. Still, she had to see them.

Jane opened the door to their bedroom as quietly as possible, hoping not to wake them. Emma was already awake though. Her dark eyes instantly found Jane and a small smile crossed her face before she frowned.

Jane walked into the room, closing the door behind her. She kneeled next to Emma's bed, where both girls were sleeping (or attempting to). It was no wonder Emma couldn't sleep. Finn, who was sound asleep, had latched herself onto her sister like a koala.

"You okay, bean?" Jane asked, running her fingers through Emma's hair.

"My arm hurts a widdle," Emma whined. "And it's itchy."

"I'm sorry, sweetie," Jane said. "I can't give you anything more for the pain until morning."

"Can I sleep with you?"

Jane paused for a moment. She couldn't exactly bring Emma back to their bedroom after the fight she and Maura had just had. Jane didn't even want to go back to their bedroom.

"Instead of you coming to our room, why don't I sleep here with you and Finn," Jane suggested. "That way, we don't have to wake Finn."

Emma smiled as she looked down at her sister. "M'kay," she agreed, nodding.

Jane climbed over both girls so that she could lie behind Emma and wrap her arms around both girls. Emma seemed satisfied to be sandwiched between her two favorite people. Even Finn seemed to notice Jane's presence in her sleep. While she didn't let go of Emma, Jane felt Finn's grip loosen slightly.

"I love you, bean," Jane whispered, kissing Emma's hair.

"Wub you, too, mama," Emma mumbled, sleep already pulling her under.

Jane closed her eyes, willing herself not to cry. She wasn't sure how much, if any, sleep she would get tonight, but at least Emma was getting sleep.

Saturday morning

Jane, Emma, and Finn were all woken up by two over-energetic little girls. Harper and Sophie had apparently decided that they couldn't wait any longer to check on Emma and how she was feeling. Emma, who was loving the extra attention from her sisters, quickly climbed out of bed. Finn instantly cuddled into Jane's arms, and Jane held the little girl tight against her body. Finn always hated seeing people she loved hurting, especially Emma. It was one of the things that reminded Jane the most of Maura.

Eventually, Harper declared that she was hungry and that Emma should get to pick breakfast since she got hurt. Jane chuckled. Harper definitely loved her sister, but Jane also knew that Harper's suggestion wasn't entirely selfless since she knew Emma was likely to pick something sweet.

Jane tried not to think about Maura as she went downstairs with all four girls to start breakfast. Emma wanted to stir the pancake batter, which led to the first meltdown of the day when she found it too hard to do with her cast. Finn, who still refused to be more than five feet away from her sister (Jane briefly wondered if Finn was going to allow Emma to use the bathroom by herself), instantly stepped in to help Emma, and Jane's heart swelled with love. She absolutely loved how much the girls all loved each other. For a moment, she wished Maura were here to see the interaction, but her heart dropped back into her stomach at the thought of the other woman.

Jane pushed the thought aside as she helped the girls finish making the pancakes.

They were about halfway through breakfast when Harper's voice cut through the happy noise filling the kitchen. "Mommy!" Harper cried out excitedly. "Mama made pancakes. We saved you some!"

Jane forced herself not to turn around to look at Maura as she walked over to them. She didn't want the girls to notice the hostility between her and Maura, and she was afraid of how she might react if she made eye contact with Maura.

So, instead, she did her best to ignore Maura, and it mostly worked. They finished breakfast without incident. When the girls were ready to go play, Jane stopped Emma. "Em, I gotta give you your medicine," Jane said. "Let's do it by the sink."

Emma and Finn both followed her into the kitchen, and Emma took the medication without complain, only scrunching her face in disgust at the taste.

"Good job, bean," Jane said, leaning down to kiss her head.

"Can we go play?" Emma asked.

"Yes, of course," Jane replied, watching as Emma dragged Finn over to where Harper and Sophie were playing.

Jane was just about to leave the kitchen when Maura spoke. "Jane, can…can we talk?" Maura asked shakily.

Jane froze. Just the sound of Maura's voice directed towards her caused anger and hurt to flood her body. Her mind quickly flitted through years of therapy on how to control her temper. The old Jane would have lashed out in this moment, but the new Jane…well, she could try to be better.

Without turning to face Maura, she answered, "I…I can't. I know we need to, but I can't do it yet. I'm too angry. I'll say something I'll regret. I still love you, Maura. Nothing will ever change that, but right now, I also hate you. I can't even look at you, let alone talk to you."

Jane could hear the tears in Maura's voice when she responded, "Okay," and it hurt her to hear. However, her anger returned almost immediately when Maura spoke again. "But Jane, I need you to know that I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean…"

"Stop!" Jane whispered harshly. "I can't do this right now, especially not with the girls twenty feet away." She needed Maura to respect her request because she wasn't sure she could keep her temper under control for much longer.

"I…yes…I'm sorry. I'll give you some space," Maura stumbled. "I…I'll find something to do today…out of the house."

However, despite her anger, Jane knew that Maura was hurting too. She also knew that Maura often struggled to know how to respond in these kinds of situations, so she couldn't leave her completely in the middle of the ocean. When she heard Maura start to leave, she suggested, "You could go see Cailin and Oliver." And after a moment's hesitation, Jane added, "Just…just please be home for dinner. Otherwise, the kids will be upset."

"I will," Maura promised, and this time when Maura turned to leave, Jane didn't say anything.

Saturday evening

Jane and Maura were able to maintain this pattern of polite avoidance for the rest of the day and throughout the evening. Jane pushed aside her worries in order to spend time with the girls, and she loved being able to spend the entire day with them, especially after everything that had happened.

While Harper and Sophie napped, Jane decided to brave Emma's first 'bath with a cast.' Luckily, it went better than Jane had anticipated – or more accurately, better than Jane's first 'bath with a cast' as a kid. But then again, Emma and Finn were always better behaved than Jane had ever been. Less reckless than Jane had ever been.

Jane squeezed her eyes shut as Maura's words flooded back into her mind. She was just about to lose it when Emma asked, her voice full of concern, "Mama, did you get soap in your eyes?"

Jane shook her head briefly to clear it. "I'm okay, sweetie," Jane replied, smiling at her daughter.

As promised, Maura returned near the end of nap time and well before dinner. After dinner, the kids requested a movie night, and both Maura and Jane readily agreed.

Maura found Jane in the kitchen after the girls were in bed. Jane glanced at her for what was probably the first time since their fight the previous evening, but she didn't maintain eye contact. Still, it was enough to see the pain and distress written all over Maura's face and in her body language.

"You should have your bedroom back," Maura said. "I'll sleep in the guest room. I can look into a hotel room tomorrow if you'd like, but can Sophie stay? I don't want…"

"No!" Jane almost yelled. Lowering her voice back to a normal volume, she continued, "I mean, yes to Sophie staying, but no to the rest. This is Sophie's house, and this is your house, and it's not my bedroom, it's our bedroom.

"Maura, I don't know what's going to happen. I honestly don't know if this is something we can get past, but if there's any chance, then I don't want the girls to know we're fighting. There's no moving out and then moving back in a few days or weeks later. I won't play with their emotions like that. We both know that that kind of action will have a much larger effect on them than it would on most kids."

Jane's anger was quickly ratcheting up, which is what she was desperately trying to avoid. "Besides, if you think I'm such a terrible parent, how could you possibly leave them with me?" she snapped. She chanced a glance at Maura only to see tears pouring down her cheeks.

"I don't think that," Maura said angrily, her voice thick with tears. "You're a wonderful mother, Jane. I…"

"You can't lie!" Jane hissed. "So, which is it? Am I wonderful mother or a was it a mistake to leave the kids with me?"

"You're an absolutely amazing mother, and I don't regret leaving them with you. I regret leaving. I will never regret you," Maura replied, anger and frustration evident in her tone.

"Why do I not believe you?" Jane said angrily, her voice dripping with sarcasm. Jane watched the frustration grow on Maura's face until suddenly, she couldn't take it anymore. "I'm not doing this right now," Jane growled. "I'm going to bed."

Maura didn't try to stop her, and she didn't follow her either. However, Maura did join her in bed an hour and a half later, for which Jane was grateful.

Sunday afternoon

Jane had never been as grateful for Rizzoli family chaos as she was this week. The hordes of family invading their house provided a much-needed distraction for all six of them. To her delight, Emma was once again the center of attention as everyone arrived, but after a while, everyone forgot about her injury as the kids fell into their usual shenanigans.

It was easy for Maura and Jane to avoid each other throughout the evening. Jane even thought that they had gotten away without anyone noticing that she and Maura weren't talking to each other. That is, until Frankie pulled her out onto the back deck as the evening wore down.

Frankie flipped on the outdoor space heater that Jane kept on the back deck during the fall and spring, making it comfortable to sit outside despite the chilly October evening.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Frankie asked, "You gonna tell me what's up?"

"Wasn't planning on it."

"Would you rather ma come poking around?"

Jane elbowed her brother half in amusement, half in annoyance. "You're an ass," she said, but her tone belied her amusement.

"Yeah, but ya love me anyway," Frankie said with a laugh.

Jane sighed deeply. "Do you remember when I shot Paddy Doyle?" she said finally.

Frankie snorted. "Literally everyone who knew you back then remembers, Janie."

Jane rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well, that was a playground scuffle compared to now," she said.

"What happened?" Frankie asked softly.

Jane couldn't say it. She couldn't repeat Maura's words out loud. So, instead, she offered a superficial answer, "Emma broke her arm."

"Yeah," Frankie prompted. "I mean, that sucks, but…I don't get it."

"Maura blames me," Jane added emotionlessly.

Frankie looked at Jane skeptically. "That…I dunno, Janie…I'm sure you guys were just upset after seeing Emma hurt. I doubt Maura blames you. You weren't even there."

"That's why she blames me," Jane snapped, cutting him off. "Because I let her go to the fair without us."

"So?"

"So, she…she thinks I'm reckless with their safety," Jane said, her voice barely above a whisper. "She thinks leaving them with me was a mistake."

Frankie's head fell back against his chair in shock. "She said that?" he asked after a few moments.

Jane nodded as she fought in vain against the tears threatening to fall.

"When?" Frankie asked.

"Friday night when we got home from the hospital."

"Has she said anything else since? Have you guys talked?"

"She said she didn't mean it, but…"

"You don't believe her?"

Jane shook her head and admitted "I don't know."

"What're you gonna do?"

"I don't know," Jane repeated. "I love her, Frankie, but I don't know if this is something we can get past. I just got her back. I thought we were good. I mean, we're still working through things. It's not like anyone would be able to get over what she's been through in only a few months."

"What all of you have been through," Frankie added quietly.

Jane nodded as she wiped away her tears. "I try to think about what options we have…" Jane paused and took a deep breath. "But it just hurts too much. The idea of losing Maura…and on top of that what would happen with the kids? God, the last thing I wanna do is go through some ugly custody battle, but Frankie, if she tries to take them from me, I'll fight. I mean, I think some sorta shared custody would be better for the kids, but I can't imagine not seeing them, being with them every day. Hell, I can't stand the thought of not seeing Maura every day."

"You have to talk to her, Janie," Frankie said kindly. "Don't let it get to that point."

"I know, but I can't yet," Jane admitted. "I just…I'm so angry. If we try to talk now…" Jane paused "If we try to talk now, I'll say or do something I'll regret, just like I did all those years ago when I made ma pick between us."

Frankie sighed. "Okay, then give it time, just not too much time," Frankie said. "And if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids – for your family."

Wednesday afternoon

The next few days went pretty much the same as the weekend with Maura and Jane doing their best to avoid each other. The few conversations they had – usually about who was taking the kids where – were clipped and cold. They lived in the same house, even slept in the same bed, but they could have been living on opposite sides of the world for how large the distance between them felt.

Maura had taken a case with the CME's office, so she spent most of the day out of the house. They spent the evening focused on their kids, and they spent the night in silence, only to do it all again the next day.

Just after lunch on Wednesday, Jane was sitting in her office when her phone rang. She started to panic when she saw that it was Emma and Finn's school calling. However, both girls were unharmed, just in trouble, something they had never been before. They were being sent home from school for fighting.

Jane was in complete shock as she quickly called the principal's office to let them know that she was leaving early and hurried to Emma and Finn's school. The school secretary who had called Jane hadn't been able to give her any information about what happened other than to say that none of the kids involved were hurt. Emma and Finn were not troublemakers, and they definitely weren't aggressive. Even when they fought with each other and their sisters, they didn't usually hit or push, and they never used physical violence of any kind on the few times they did argue with their friends. The only thing they had ever been reprimanded at school for was talking too much, and even that didn't happen often since they usually listened when their teacher told them to stop.

Jane barely kept herself from speeding on her drive to their school, and she nearly ran into the principal's office. Emma and Finn were seated in two chairs just inside the door, across from the school secretary's desk.

As soon as she saw Jane, Finn burst into tears, jumped off of her chair, and threw herself into Jane's arms. Emma didn't move.

"I'm so sorry, mama," Finn wailed. "Jack was being mean to Emma, and he wouldn't stop. I just wanted him to stop!"

"Okay, sweetie, let me talk to your teacher," Jane said, hugging Finn before standing and lifting her onto her hip. Finn buried her face against Jane's chest.

"You okay, Em?" Jane asked Emma as she ran her fingers through her daughter's curls.

Emma nodded but remained silent.

"Mrs. Kinsey is on her way down to the office," Janis, the school secretary, told Jane. "I just let her know that you arrived."

"Thanks," Jane said, keeping her hand comfortingly on Emma's head as they waited.

"Hi, Jane," Lynn Kinsey greeted Jane with a smile as she walked into the office.

"Hi, Lynn," Jane replied. She felt both Emma and Finn shift closer to her, presumably in embarrassment, when their teacher arrived.

"Let's step into the conference room," Lynn suggested. "The kids are in art class, so I have a few minutes."

Jane nodded and followed Emma and Finn's teacher into one of the conference rooms attached to the office. She carried Finn while Emma took her hand and walked with them into the room.

When they were all seated, Lynn started talking, "Finn, Emma, I was hoping that it would be okay if I talked to you guys and your mom about what happened today." Addressing Jane, she continued, "I'm still not sure how it started, which is why I'm hoping that Emma or Finn will tell me. The class was outside at recess, and there was a group of kids playing on the blacktop. I was scanning the entire playgroup when I heard the group getting louder. I started to run over there to see what was going on, but before I got to them, Finn shoved Jack hard onto the ground. He scraped his hands, but otherwise, he's okay. Neither Finn nor Emma would tell me why Finn did it. It's very unusual behavior for either of them, so I was concerned."

Jane sighed. "Finn," she said, shifting the girl in her lap so that Finn had to meet her eyes. "You know it's never okay to push someone. What happened?"

Finn crossed her arms in front of her and refused to speak.

"Finn, you know there will be consequences for pushing Jack, but if you tell us what happened, I can figure out what the best punishment is," Mrs. Kinsey said.

But it was Emma who spoke up first. "Jack was being mean," she said.

"Jack was being mean to Finn?" Mrs. Kinsey asked.

"No, he was being mean to me," Emma clarified. "He said I couldn't play four-square because of my arm, and he called me names. I kept asking him to stop, but he wouldn't," Emma whined.

"What did he call you?" Mrs. Kinsey asked kindly.

"He called me a loser, a nerd, a gimp, and one I'm not supposta say," Emma answered.

"You can say whatever it is in the context of answering Mrs. Kinsey's question," Jane said.

Emma glanced at Jane before looking back to her teacher. In a dramatic whisper that made Jane want to inappropriately laugh, Emma answered, "Stupid head."

"Thank you for telling me, Emma," Mrs. Kinsey replied.

"Is Finn still in trouble?" Emma asked. Jane knew that Emma had only answered the question in an attempt to get her sister out of trouble.

Mrs. Kinsey smiled kindly at Emma. "Yes, it's still not okay to push people, but since she didn't start the fight, she's in less trouble."

"Fine," Emma huffed, sitting back in her seat.

"What's my consequence?" Finn asked, finally turning to look at her teacher.

"You're going to have to stay inside for recess for the rest of the week," Mrs. Kinsey replied. "And you need to apologize to Jack next time you see him."

Finn just nodded as she leaned back against Jane. Jane kind of wanted to ask if Jack would have to apologize to Emma, but at the moment, she just wanted to go home.

Jane checked them out of school early, figuring they could use the afternoon to cool off. It wasn't until they got to the car that Jane realized she probably should have called Maura. Not willing to have the impending fight over the phone, in the car with the kids in the backseat, Jane took the coward's way out and sent Maura a text: Finn got in trouble at school for pushing a kid who was calling Emma names. I just picked them up, and we are heading home.

She didn't wait for a response as she silenced her phone and pulled out of the school parking lot. No one talked for the entire drive home.

A/N: I hope to post chapter 59 with the same time period from Maura's perspective soon. Stay tuned.